Split Self Affair

[Anna-Belle]

It does sound like everything is working out Perfectly .

 

Indeed it is.

[Mr. Lucky]

And thus from there she made decisions about her own life.

So really you did her a favor. And in fact, you might say you and her WS did all the heavy lifting, removing the burden of an unhappy marriage from her life. I'm sure that she was grateful to be presented with such a turnkey opportunity, all those pesky choices such as whether she wanted to actually work on the marriage already made for her. And thus from there she made decisions about her own life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[findingnemo]

I don't know where you are getting your information from since it seems to differ from what I have read.

 

IMO her default position (if any) seems to be reconciling the marriage through IC for both the WS and the BS. She goes into detail about IC for both spouses but barely mentions the OW other than to speak of her plausible FOO issues. She concludes that the probability of divorce is "above average" unlike for the exit affair where it is stated as being "extremely high". She concludes best outcome for the Split Self affair is "revived marriage or divorce" whereas worst outcome is "empty shell marriage or divorce".

 

Anna-Belle, you read her books? A good point you have made is that we don't actually know what we are talking about until we have read her book or found a way to know exactly what she thinks. Judging her by the article doesn't make sense.

[findingnemo]

It's been a very straight forward path since Dday. No throwing the OW under the bus, no hysterical bonding, no wavering, no yo-yoing, just the MM standing his ground. The BS has thus benefited from understanding the situation and thereby being able to make her own decisions. She too has been very decisive and so far the two of them seem to be as "happily" separated as you could expect. They are cooperating well as parents and have started to split their assets.

 

The counselor also supported the WS in disclosing the entire truth. Given the two months of counseling prior to Dday they had already formed a counselor-client relationship and she was thus helpful throughout the process.

 

It is one thing to say things are going well for you but you really should try to understand what happened from the BW's point of view. If it were me, I would also act "happily separated". It's called having some pride.

 

You do realize, Anna-Belle, that the BW in your situation was played, right? I am concluding that based on your posts. First her H has an A meaning he has a secret partner with whom he shares his life. Then he goes for counseling where he now gets a therapist on his side and together all three plot on how to best extricate WH from his M. All the while the BW has no idea.

 

Can you imagine waking up one day and your H just walks out the door? As you are trying to figure out what the hell happened you find he has an apartment, a new gf and he has moved money around or opened separate accounts? The question you'd ask yourself as his W is "When did all this happen? How is it that I didn't know?"

 

So the path may have been straight-forward for you. No being thrown under the bus, no hysterical bonding. But for her, her H seemingly woke up and walked away from her and their life. I hope the BW has a good therapist because I wouldn't be surprised if she suffered serious psychological trauma during this time.

[SidLyon]

It is one thing to say things are going well for you but you really should try to understand what happened from the BW's point of view. If it were me, I would also act "happily separated". It's called having some pride.

 

You do realize, Anna-Belle, that the BW in your situation was played, right? I am concluding that based on your posts. First her H has an A meaning he has a secret partner with whom he shares his life. Then he goes for counseling where he now gets a therapist on his side and together all three plot on how to best extricate WH from his M. All the while the BW has no idea.

 

Can you imagine waking up one day and your H just walks out the door? As you are trying to figure out what the hell happened you find he has an apartment, a new gf and he has moved money around or opened separate accounts? The question you'd ask yourself as his W is "When did all this happen? How is it that I didn't know?"

 

So the path may have been straight-forward for you. No being thrown under the bus, no hysterical bonding. But for her, her H seemingly woke up and walked away from her and their life. I hope the BW has a good therapist because I wouldn't be surprised if she suffered serious psychological trauma during this time.

 

I really do hope Anna-Belle does come to realise this, even thought she is obviously happy with the outcome so far. As for Moper, the OP in this thread, split-self or not, I hope he doesn't see this as an appropriate course of action to take.

[findingnemo]

Maybe I'm reading too much into this but I've been doing some googling on Split Self. The idea behind it is that in the case of a cheater, he/she started from day one making the wrong choices. He chose the safe option rather than the kind of woman he loved when got married. As with BPD, NPD and all the other disorders, does being diagnosed with them really make a difference to those who are hurt?

 

BPD and NPD aside, let's suppose a MM discovers he is having a Split Self problem, what then?

 

1. He realizes he was making decisions on auto pilot.

2. He realizes he may want something else all together.

3. He maybe signs up for therapy.

 

What does he tell the W at this point? If we imagine we were told that we have this issue, it would be devastating. I can't imagine learning that I have lived my life on auto pilot for years. Wouldn't it mean that many of my decisions don't really reflect what I want? Most cheaters I have known actually do care about their spouses. Many, from what I've read, still love them. Cheating on its own is a lot to cope with as a BS. Adding on this Split Self issue by way of explanation even if true presents immense and insurmountable problems, IMO.

 

If xMM had to tell his W that he never actually loved her, it would not only be a major psychological blow to her, it would also be quite untrue.

 

Just thinking out loud.

[Anna-Belle]

It is one thing to say things are going well for you but you really should try to understand what happened from the BW's point of view. If it were me, I would also act "happily separated". It's called having some pride.

 

You do realize, Anna-Belle, that the BW in your situation was played, right? I am concluding that based on your posts. First her H has an A meaning he has a secret partner with whom he shares his life. Then he goes for counseling where he now gets a therapist on his side and together all three plot on how to best extricate WH from his M. All the while the BW has no idea.

 

Can you imagine waking up one day and your H just walks out the door? As you are trying to figure out what the hell happened you find he has an apartment, a new gf and he has moved money around or opened separate accounts? The question you'd ask yourself as his W is "When did all this happen? How is it that I didn't know?"

 

So the path may have been straight-forward for you. No being thrown under the bus, no hysterical bonding. But for her, her H seemingly woke up and walked away from her and their life. I hope the BW has a good therapist because I wouldn't be surprised if she suffered serious psychological trauma during this time.

 

This thread is not about my situation. So I won't go into this other than to say that most of what you said above does not apply to our case, not to the BS in our case and certainly not to the counselor my MM is going to. You're filling in the blanks from what little I have said and you are filling them in incorrectly.

Edited August 13, 2013 by Anna-Belle

[findingnemo]

This thread is not about my situation. So I won't go into this other than to say that most of what you said above does not apply to my situation, nor to the BS' in my situation, certainly not about the counselor my MM is going to. You're filling in the blanks from what little I have said and you are filling them in incorrectly.

 

My apologies if I am incorrect. I did say I based that on the posts you made in this thread especially the one in which you said everything is going smoothly saying that the BW is happily separated and dividing assets. But as you said, the thread isn't about you. You were simply giving your situation as an example of how therapy based on the Split Self theory works and you can't go into detail about it.

[Anna-Belle]

My apologies if I am incorrect. I did say I based that on the posts you made in this thread especially the one in which you said everything is going smoothly saying that the BW is happily separated and dividing assets. But as you said, the thread isn't about you. You were simply giving your situation as an example of how therapy based on the Split Self theory works and you can't go into detail about it.

 

I said: "as "happily" separated as you could expect"

 

The word happily being within quotes means it should not be taken literally. "as you could expect" puts an additional damper on the word. It should be obvious to anyone that it takes time to grieve the discovery of your husband having had a relationship with another woman for years behind your back and to grieve the marriage you thought you had. We're 5 months post Dday. There is a long road to travel yet for all of us.

[janedoe67]

Wrong thread

[rumbleseat]

I said: "as "happily" separated as you could expect"

 

The word happily being within quotes means it should not be taken literally. "as you could expect" puts an additional damper on the word. It should be obvious to anyone that it takes time to grieve the discovery of your husband having had a relationship with another woman for years behind your back and to grieve the marriage you thought you had. We're 5 months post Dday. There is a long road to travel yet for all of us.

 

 

You really have no idea about how she is thinking or feeling. You shouldn't presume to speak for her. Speak for yourself and ow you feel, but not about her.

[Anna-Belle]

You really have no idea about how she is thinking or feeling. You shouldn't presume to speak for her. Speak for yourself and ow you feel, but not about her.

 

I've been the BS myself for many years, so I do have an idea of how she feels. You shouldn't presume that just because I have recently been an OW it means I don't know how it feels to be a BS.

 

If I understood your thread correctly, you are not a BS yourself?

[Anna-Belle]

This describes me almost to a T:

 

A Comprehensive Examination of the "Split-Self" Affair* - *111 Quimby Street, Westfield NJ 908.403.9300

 

"This pair lost the very essence of who they are in their efforts to 'do right' and they have to find themselves and determine their own definition of 'what's right for them' -- and that process of discovery may result in parting ways."

 

Anyone else see themselves here?

 

I had read a slightly different version of the article earlier here:

http://ezinearticles.com/?A-Comprehensive-Examination-of-the-Split-Self-Affair&id=7540002

 

It's written by Terri DiMatteo, and this is the information given about her on ezinearticles.com:

 

"Terri DiMatteo is a New Jersey Licensed Professional Counselor and owner and founder of Open Door Therapy in Westfield, NJ. She works with individuals, couples, families and groups. She utilizes the Interpersonal Approach to Counseling and when working with couples, Emotionally Focuse Therapy (EFT). She is especially adept and working with couples who are struggling with acts of betrayal and issues of infidelity."

 

Some of what DiMatteo states is IMO not in alignment with what I've read by Emily Brown. Either I'm wrong or it's her own interpretation and/or experience of Split Self MM. Or it may be true for some Split Self MM but not all. Perhaps it's true for the Split Self MM who does not go to IC?

Edited August 13, 2013 by Anna-Belle

[glindathgood]

I didn't read all of these. I'm just sad taht anyone would betray a person they supposedly loved. I don't care what their reason is.

[Betterthanthis13]

Split self affairs

"Doing the right thing" vs getting my needs met

 

A summary of the good observations in the article and the good sounding advice (based on bad logic that is causing my peeps on LS to remain a state of dull aching pain in my opinion) followed with fixed logic applied to split self affair problem if you agree with my assessment

 

The affair felt good because you felt loved for you, not for your role as H, father, lawyer, whatever. It also gave you the opportunity to be vulnerable and show love.

 

You felt guilt because you are so used to doing what's "right" and denying your own needs. That creates conflict. So you flip flop between "doing what's right" and "getting your needs met".

 

Your wife is probably similar to you but maybe not. (Idea that BS also has a "split self") She "does what's right" at the expense of getting her own needs met. Your marriage is probably not horrific though there has been friction. You have had what you have thought was love at times. Now you know-It is empty. Too good to leave, too empty to stay. It's hopeless to work on. There is nothing to work on. Or some version of that.

 

The article gives you something to think about. It describes you.Your choices seem to be:

 

1.Do I do the "right thing" and sacrifice my "needs"?

2.Do I make an attempt to do the right thing and, through MC, begin a real relationship with my wife where we can both start having our needs met?

3.Do I do the wrong thing, live with guilt, and do a new scary thing- love and be loved- with AP?

 

*option 4 inspired by one of my favorite LS posters, not the article

4. Do I try to have it all? Continue doing the right thing, pursue the new scary option of love and be loved, and protect everyone by making sure nobody finds out what I am doing. I am concealing my affair out of love. I am labeled a cake eater- I accept that label as technically correct- however it does not fit what I am actually doing.

[Finally Settled]

I agree with the above post.

Yes, life is hard and a lot of people struggle in relationships and actually feel lonelier in them than they would be if they were single.

 

I just recently went through a break up.

Things were bad, there was distance and I actually felt lonely for the first time in a really long time (and that was after we moved in together)

 

But I didn't use that to justify cheating on him.

Instead we broke up, we ended it in the most honest way we can.

 

Yeah life sucks and things are hard for people, but to actually go on and try to find something to justifies the cheating so that you can still be noble is really reaching.

 

I don't think that people who cheat are necessarily bad people, but cheating is a bad thing - and there really are no 2 ways about it.

 

I was involved in cheating before (I was cheating with a guy that had a gf - long story). I could argue that I was going through a tough time, I had a bad childhood, I was vulnerable and he manipulated me (you know what, some of that may be true) - but it doesn't change the fact that I felt conflicted throughout, I always knew throughout this whole thing that what I was doing was terrible. I loved him, but I knew I was doing wrong and there really isn't anything that can change the fact that I CHOSE to do wrong.

 

 

 

I love that quote.

Yeah, it was my duty to be loyal...until someone walked into the picture that made it ok to forget about that duty.[/QUOTE]

 

 

Taken in context, I was stating how both my exwife and I were raised. Above anything you remain loyal. Where I have taken full responsibility for the actions I took, so has my exwife. We had a very pivotal moment a few months after I filed for divorce. We were doing various counselling sessions for ourselves and our family and during one session my oldest son asked her why she didn't attend counselling with me when I'd requested. He had been livid with me for having the affair and now he was livid with his mother for not realizing she was leaving the marriage vulnerable. Both the counsellor and I were firm that she was not to blame for my actions. It was a kneejerk reaction which did affect my exwife. At our next private session she spoke of how she finally understood her actions mattered and that the affair did not happen in a vacuum.

 

We both fully expected to be married all of our days and we both were ill equipped with how to deal with changes and growth that we each required. As much as I love my other woman, I can honestly say if somehow my exwife and I had found a way to work together and through these hard times we would probably be together still.

 

Even though this sounds absurd. To me, my loyalty was to stay in the marriage at all costs. Leaving would have been an act of disloyalty. While I was in the marriage and faced with leaving or having an affair, my twisted view of loyalty allowed the affair be the best option.

 

I've not had an opportunity to re-read this post, so I will apologize in advance for typographical errors or fractured thoughts.

[Realist3]

Hey! I saw that!

[Betterthanthis13]

Hey! I saw that!

 

Haha good- is my summary of the potential choices the article inspires the person who identifies themselves as having had a split self affair accurate? Did I miss anything?

[Realist3]

I thought it was a very good synopsis.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been the BS myself for many years, so I do have an idea of how she feels. You shouldn't presume that just because I have recently been an OW it means I don't know how it feels to be a BS.

Mind blowing. I guess it's like child abuse, where the victims often go on to become the victimizers...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

*option 4 inspired by one of my favorite LS posters, not the article

4. Do I try to have it all? Continue doing the right thing, pursue the new scary option of love and be loved, and protect everyone by making sure nobody finds out what I am doing. I am concealing my affair out of love. I am labeled a cake eater- I accept that label as technically correct- however it does not fit what I am actually doing.

What label or description fits what you're actually doing?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Anna-Belle]

Mind blowing. I guess it's like child abuse, where the victims often go on to become the victimizers...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No, it's not. It's about dysfunctional families of origins where you may end up at any position in the EMR triangle.

 

A victim requires a perpetrator. There are no perpetrators in EMRs. EMRs are not done to someone. They are a relationship with someone.

[Anna-Belle]

The article gives you something to think about. It describes you.Your choices seem to be:

 

1.Do I do the "right thing" and sacrifice my "needs"?

2.Do I make an attempt to do the right thing and, through MC, begin a real relationship with my wife where we can both start having our needs met?

3.Do I do the wrong thing, live with guilt, and do a new scary thing- love and be loved- with AP?

 

MC is not recommended in a Split Self affair, not unless extensive IC has been done first, and preferably IC for both spouses.

Edited August 13, 2013 by Anna-Belle

[Mr. Lucky]

No, it's not. It's about dysfunctional families of origins where you may end up at any position in the EMR triangle.

Here's the part that you continue to overlook, I guess because it's expedient for you to do so. Your MM and you didn't "end up" as two points of the "EMR triangle" (talk about glossing over the very real impact!). You made choices that broke a contract to which he was bound in equal parts legal, moral and spiritual. The moment, while married to her, that he hooked up with you he became a cheat, a fraud and a liar. That he delayed telling his wife also makes him a coward. You can cloak his actions in all the new-age speak you want, doesn't change what he's done.

 

I'm sure he'll treat you and your relationship with him much differently ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Anna-Belle]

Taken in context, I was stating how both my exwife and I were raised. Above anything you remain loyal. Where I have taken full responsibility for the actions I took, so has my exwife. We had a very pivotal moment a few months after I filed for divorce. We were doing various counselling sessions for ourselves and our family and during one session my oldest son asked her why she didn't attend counselling with me when I'd requested. He had been livid with me for having the affair and now he was livid with his mother for not realizing she was leaving the marriage vulnerable. Both the counsellor and I were firm that she was not to blame for my actions. It was a kneejerk reaction which did affect my exwife. At our next private session she spoke of how she finally understood her actions mattered and that the affair did not happen in a vacuum.

 

We both fully expected to be married all of our days and we both were ill equipped with how to deal with changes and growth that we each required. As much as I love my other woman, I can honestly say if somehow my exwife and I had found a way to work together and through these hard times we would probably be together still.

 

Even though this sounds absurd. To me, my loyalty was to stay in the marriage at all costs. Leaving would have been an act of disloyalty. While I was in the marriage and faced with leaving or having an affair, my twisted view of loyalty allowed the affair be the best option.

 

I've not had an opportunity to re-read this post, so I will apologize in advance for typographical errors or fractured thoughts.

 

Thank you for sharing this, Finally Settled. This gives true insight into the mind of a MM.

Edited August 13, 2013 by Anna-Belle