Split Self Affair

[Moper]

What about the 'split-self' wife then? Or is this theory just about men who deny themselves?

 

"This pair lost the very essence of who they are in their efforts to 'do right' and they have to find themselves and determine their own definition of 'what's right for them' -- and that process of discovery may result in parting ways." Seems to me they're talking about both. Seems to me too that it isn't about "denying themselves" as much as losing themselves. That was the part that I related to, losing myself. I feel like I've lost myself. As I said though that may be depression more than "split-self." I don't feel denied, so much as lost. When one is depressed one doesn't see clearly. My therapist said it's like looking through distorting lenses.

[Anna-Belle]

What about the 'split-self' wife then? Or is this theory just about men who deny themselves?

 

I understand it to be mostly men who have Split Self affairs.

 

So since both spouses in these couples have Split Selves, and the man is the one who has the affair, the Split Self wives would be found among BSs.

[Owl]

Hardly official, but from the blog entry I posted in the OP: Rebuilding from a Split-Self Affair takes much longer than other types of affairs because in this type of affair the the marital problems are much deeper and long-standing. The foundation of the relationship, from the beginning, was set on an external standard of 'doing the right thing' and not based on a strong foundation of trust, respect, nurturing, closeness and intimacy. The therapeutic objective will be to help the couple identify their individual emotional needs and then determine if they are then able to get their emotional needs met within the marriage. It's a very tall order. Chances of recovery are very slim simply because turning toward each other for emotional responsiveness is something that has never been present in the marriage from the very beginning. This couple will likely experience therapy as process that throws them wildy off-balance as the anchor of their old approaches to their marital disharmony (focusing externally) are challenged and ignored in therapy. They may alternate between attempts to stay connected to the comfortable and familiar marital angst (which, though dysfunctional, helps them to feel secure and safe because it is 'the old familiar' dynamic) as they begin to slowly make very cautious attempts to master new territory in which they explore closeness, sharing and addressing their own and each others intimacy needs. Truly, they are now in a very foreign, exotic land where they have never been before. The therapeutic focus here is to redirect each from turning 'out there' to determine 'what's right' or 'what's wrong' and to focus instead on their own internal moral compass. How does it feel to do this or that? Therapy will work to move them from the impersonal and detached "what's right?" to the more personal "what's right for us?". Slowly, they will come to see that getting their own needs met does not hurt or harm another and that in chronically compromising themselves for another there is no way to have emotional connectedness. They need to come to terms with the reality that needs are neutral and to view them without judgment. The Split-Self Affair husband needs to learn to prioritize himself, learn to identify his need for closeness, intimacy, love, sharing, passion and appreciation. He needs to acknowledge the very severe price he pays when he denies himself and makes choices that please others but compromise himself. It would be crucial for this couple to look at familial patterns in early childhood in which each was not free to be 'children' but to examine where they prematurely became the adults, the caretakers and bore excessive responsibility for their families. This is the root cause of the Split-Self Affair and that core must be unraveled and explored. The therapist's task is also to help the pair get 'out of their head' and to let the actual and true feelings guide them. A reorientation from the 'macro' lens of society to the 'micro' lens of the inner world is essential to healing and treatment. This pair lost the very essence of who they are in their efforts to 'do right' and they have to find themselves and determine their own definition of 'what's right for them' -- and that process of discovery may result in parting ways.

 

If you look at the parts I bolded, it pretty clearly spells out why BS's tend to think of this as "bs".

 

So based on this...the entire marriage was based on a sham, with no true love, passion, or intimacy.

 

While I can admit that this does probably happen...it's pretty F'ing rare. IF this kind of marriage was indeed what was happening...then I'd agree it's probably a lousy foundation and not likey one to recover from. But far more commonly, I think that the 'conflict' is CREATED by the affair situation, not something that was created by the marriage and brought to light by the affair.

 

BUT...how in the hell does anyone truly, unbiasedly determine that the foundation and beginning of the marriage was indeed like this...and that both sides do agree that this is what it looked like. Given how prevelant the re-writing of marital history is in the WS's mind during and after an affair, I doubt the likelihood that this would be in any way easy to determine with a high degree of accuracy.

 

And reading those bolded points again...now you can clearly see why this is favored by WS/AP.

 

Because it invalidates the marriage...and validates the affair relationship as one where the 'feelings' are real, and not faked/forced.

 

And again...the 'treatment' has no focus on attempting to rebuild/repair the marriage...it works on the concept that the individuals need to STOP focusing on the marital relationship, and turn instead on focusing on what makes them feel good. Non sequiter in a situation already plagued by infidelity...on the contrary...in my opinion, that "focusing on what feels good" isn't a symptom of a split self situation, but rather a CAUSE of the greater problem of infidelity.

[Moper]

If you look at the parts I bolded, it pretty clearly spells out why BS's tend to think of this as "bs".

 

So based on this...the entire marriage was based on a sham, with no true love, passion, or intimacy.

 

While I can admit that this does probably happen...it's pretty F'ing rare. IF this kind of marriage was indeed what was happening...then I'd agree it's probably a lousy foundation and not likey one to recover from. But far more commonly, I think that the 'conflict' is CREATED by the affair situation, not something that was created by the marriage and brought to light by the affair.

 

BUT...how in the hell does anyone truly, unbiasedly determine that the foundation and beginning of the marriage was indeed like this...and that both sides do agree that this is what it looked like. Given how prevelant the re-writing of marital history is in the WS's mind during and after an affair, I doubt the likelihood that this would be in any way easy to determine with a high degree of accuracy.

 

And reading those bolded points again...now you can clearly see why this is favored by WS/AP.

 

Because it invalidates the marriage...and validates the affair relationship as one where the 'feelings' are real, and not faked/forced.

 

And again...the 'treatment' has no focus on attempting to rebuild/repair the marriage...it works on the concept that the individuals need to STOP focusing on the marital relationship, and turn instead on focusing on what makes them feel good. Non sequiter in a situation already plagued by infidelity...on the contrary...in my opinion, that "focusing on what feels good" isn't a symptom of a split self situation, but rather a CAUSE of the greater problem of infidelity.

 

I don't operate that way, even in depression. I don't expect an exact anything from psychology and I have good reason for that. Psychology is more of an art than a science, except perhaps the pharmacological part. That doesn't mean it's worthless. If one wants to get better, as I do, and one takes positive steps in that direction, one's mind is powerful. As for rebuilding or repairing a marriage, I don't know much. In fact I feel myself sinking lower and lower and it is freaking me out.

[waterwoman]

Are you on medication Moper? You are beginning to worry me. Do you honestly think this is situational?

[Owl]

I don't operate that way, even in depression. I don't expect an exact anything from psychology and I have good reason for that. Psychology is more of an art than a science, except perhaps the pharmacological part. That doesn't mean it's worthless. If one wants to get better, as I do, and one takes positive steps in that direction, one's mind is powerful. As for rebuilding or repairing a marriage, I don't know much. In fact I feel myself sinking lower and lower and it is freaking me out.

 

Not sure if you're interested in any advice or not. I am curious...and please realize this isn't a 'setup' or anything like that.

 

What are you doing to recover your marriage? What steps are you both taking, how long have you been working at it, and where are you at with the EA/PA? Still contact?

 

Again, if you're not interested, no problem. My thought is that if you're freaking out...there's a reason for it. Something not being addressed/dealt with appropriately. Or...it's still very early in your recovery, possibly. Or...you may simply have not had a marital relationship with enough intimacy to have a foundation from which to recover. It happens.

[Moper]

Not sure if you're interested in any advice or not. I am curious...and please realize this isn't a 'setup' or anything like that.

 

What are you doing to recover your marriage? What steps are you both taking, how long have you been working at it, and where are you at with the EA/PA? Still contact?

 

Again, if you're not interested, no problem. My thought is that if you're freaking out...there's a reason for it. Something not being addressed/dealt with appropriately. Or...it's still very early in your recovery, possibly. Or...you may simply have not had a marital relationship with enough intimacy to have a foundation from which to recover. It happens.

 

It is early in the process and I am having a panic attack. I'm sorry. I'm on my way to the doctor. I've never been unstable like this.

[Owl]

It is early in the process and I am having a panic attack. I'm sorry. I'm on my way to the doctor. I've never been unstable like this.

 

Understood. My wife suffered depression leading up to and during her affair, and it went untreated until after d-day and during the initial phases of our recovery.

 

Hope that the doctor can help you get things straightened out. Keep us posted, and hope things work out for you!

[Moper]

Understood. My wife suffered depression leading up to and during her affair, and it went untreated until after d-day and during the initial phases of our recovery.

 

Hope that the doctor can help you get things straightened out. Keep us posted, and hope things work out for you!

 

I am now sold on some meds.

 

I didn't actually have an affair. As you pointed.out my problem may not.actually be my marriage. I am out of control.

[waterwoman]

Good luck moper x

[Owl]

Seaview, I'm curious.

 

Are you a "BS only"? Only been on that point of the infidelity triangle?

 

Did your marriage reconcile?

 

If so...how did this "split self" concept aid you in reconciling?

 

I have to admit...if you are indeed "just" a BS, and not a former member reincarnated, you'll be the first "BS only" I've ever seen, both here and on other support forums, in the few years I've been aware of this "split self concept" to accept it.

[Owl]

My longtime experience on this forum, and others, as well as my own "real life" experiences in dealing with my wife's EA many years ago are all I personally can attest to...but with that said, in all that time on several forums that are centered around infidelity, I have only heard of the "split self" affair a handful of times, and quite honestly have never seen a BS post about it as part of their spouse's affair with the belief that this was what they dealt with.

 

The concept that the WS stays in the marriage as part of their "do the right thing" side of the "split self"...and then the desire for the OW/OM is the "do what is right for myself" idea is what the majority of BS's see as basically insulting, denigrating to the marriage relationship, and why I've never seen a BS who embraced the idea...up until you posted here.

 

Up until now, the only proponents I've seen for this "split self affair" concept have been WS's who have appeared to use this to rationalize their choice to have an affair, or OW who support the idea because it somehow makes the WS seem more 'noble'...sacrificing themselves emotionally to do the right thing, but then somehow "saved" from that sacrifice by the wonderful OW/OM who suddenly free themselves from those shackles because the affair partner has some mystical ability to grant them that superpower.

 

So...given that...I apologize for my suspiscion that you could be one of the OW here who have repeatedly come back and posted under several usernames in support of the idea. Given that pension for people to do, and the sheer fact that you're the only BS "only" that I've EVER seen to embrace this concept, I was somewhat skeptical of your authenticity.

Edited September 27, 2013 by Owl

[Owl]

Yes. Only a BS. Married 17 years with a 9 year old and 5 months ago tonight was D-day.

 

I think there is something strange in the phrase "buy into split-self".

 

Let me put it this way. Do you buy into sexual addiction talk? Do you buy into exit affairs talk? I believe they exist. They were not MY CASE, but I seriously considered EXIT AFFAIR to be what my wife was doing, because having got ALL the details, and I MEAN every single encounter that occurred, almost every email, every dinner, every date, every afternoon triste, mapped out, what was missing was: why didnt she leave? In an exit affair they leave. They want you to find out when they are ready to leave.

 

The FIRST thing I asked her, when she told me about the affair was: "Are you ready to END IT?" No answer. Right I said. You have nothing to say, Im leaving to talk with some friends who will. When I returned two hours later, and she asked about how I was, was I okay, etc. etc. I asked the same question: Are you ready to end it? And she said yes. And she did, and we did the NC letter the next day, and she did all the things you are supposed to do, and she kept me up to the minute, all the things one does to show they seriously want BACK in the marriage. We did it all, counseling, emails, details, all the stuff that is in all the books.

 

Then I had to find out WHAT kind of affair it was and none of them quite fit the slipper. A little of this a little of that. It wasn't until I read Brown that it all fit together. And when I showed it to her, she said yes, that was me.

 

Brown's explanation makes sense if I ask myself, fine, she doesnt give a rats ass about me, but our amazing daughter? And all the reasons she gave PREVIOUS to reading Brown, about how, why, the double life, etc. all of it we later see in Brown's description.

 

I get the impression that for some people here its like they think Brown is trying to win some competition of WHAT ALL AFFAIRS MEAN. But she is not that. As I said, the SPLIT-SELF affair is ONE of 5 of her "patterns" and that pattern just happens to fit OUR EXPERIENCE.

 

You will find too, that there is some INCREDIBLE FIT between Brown and Langley's extremely rich material on what she calls LIMBO. It would take me a while to build up that here, but I would be happy to discuss it only if I knew others had read Langley.

 

Did we reconcile: We are in the process of recovery. Before we even READ Brown, we were doing this. We both agreed that we had to recover the passion and connection (later we will work on "communication") that we lost in the past 10 years. We are doing this. In fact Brown doesnt tell us what to do, because she focuses her work on the role of therapists and therapy in the initial stages of discovery and dealing with affairs (all 5) But it doesnt take rocket science to realise that if my spouse is out getting her highs from a co-worker, I need to get OP out of the mix and fill in the gaps. And of course, by doing this IM GETTING STUFF I have been missing for years as well, only I was too lazy or too indifferent to see that I had downgraded my own emotional life and settled into a warm bath of marriage. I know I did this. I know I buried myself in my work, in my daughter, in my sports, in my movies. I simply chose a different route. She basically fell into an affair because someone came along who was interesting enough to rekindle her at this moment. Her is the thing. This guy always existed. Suddenly he existed for her in a new way.

 

Some of the things about Brown that are completely misunderstood is that it is NOT a requirement that if the WS suffers from SPLIT self that the BS does too. When BOTH DO the affair will come to which ever of the two encounters an solution (a safe lover) first. When I think back over the last year, I can remember having these urges too. My difference is I would never ACT on them. She never thought she would either, but there you go.

 

The SPLIT self does not aid us in the reconciliation. The fact is she explained herself, her ability to manage these two lives, by saying to me just that: I was like two people and these two people never spoke to each other. THIS IS PRECISELY what we later learned that Brown is saying. The WS is "doing the right thing" by the marriage, and is "riding the emotional high" of the affair. Yeah yeah, I know, doing the right thing means not cheating. But Browns point is that in the home space EVERYTHING SEEMS NORMAL. She functions perfectly, on outside. And this is point of her theory: couples are no longer exploring the inner aspects of each other, but see each other ONLY in terms of outward appearances. There is no interest in exploring deeply anything. Its all about getting things done.

 

Aside from that, IM not too interested in the areas where Brown goes into Family history. Maybe in another lifetime. My time is short and we are working on just killing the split.

 

If you use Amazon reviews as some kind of yard stick to Browns value, I think you will be disappointed, unless you READ who is doing the review. Generally therapists are quite impressed with what she says and what she does, but the BSs are all over the map with their pain calling her a farce who only wants to blame betrayed spouses for their cheating spouses leaving.

 

That's my take anyhow.

 

Here's the thing...that "I was two people, and they never talked" concept, that isn't the main issue that people disagree with on the "split self affair" concept.

 

That's simple compartmentalization...that's something that virtually EVERY WS uses to allow themselves to maintain an affair..."split self" or not.

 

It's the fact that the "split self" is the split between "doing the right thing" (by 'sacrificing their happiness to stay in the marriage because they're supposed to) and "doing what's good for me" (by exploring an emotional relationship outside the marriage) that virtually everyone BUT the OW/OM and the occasional WS seem to take massive issue with.

 

"Split self" is...according to what I've learned of Brown's hypothesis...far more than that simple compartmentalization of "I'm enjoying my time while I'm here in the affair, and not thinking of my spouse" and the "I'm back in the marriage/family life".

[Betterthanthis13]

Yes. Only a BS. Married 17 years with a 9 year old and 5 months ago tonight was D-day.

 

I think there is something strange in the phrase "buy into split-self".

 

Let me put it this way. Do you buy into sexual addiction talk? Do you buy into exit affairs talk? I believe they exist. They were not MY CASE, but I seriously considered EXIT AFFAIR to be what my wife was doing, because having got ALL the details, and I MEAN every single encounter that occurred, almost every email, every dinner, every date, every afternoon triste, mapped out, what was missing was: why didnt she leave? In an exit affair they leave. They want you to find out when they are ready to leave.

.

 

I don't "buy in" to the split-self affair theory.

 

I don't buy in to the idea of sex addiction, either, and I just spent 3 years with a guy who now claims his serial cheating was due to the fact that he is a sex addict.

 

I don't buy in to either of these theories for the same reason- I find them to be irrational after I study them. Could I be objectively wrong, not informed enough about the topic, or not seeing the truth because I am allowing my own biases to cloud my judgement? Sure, those possibilities are not out of the question. I am not always right, far from it.

 

If I heard an argument in favor of split self affairs or sex addiction that made sense, I would change my mind and accept their validity. I just never read a convincing argument, and when I ask clarifying questions, they do not get answered.

 

The definition for "Sex addiction" absolutely describes the set of behaviors my ex displayed. It describes his actions to a tee. However, accurately describing a set of behaviors does not give credibility to a theory. It is a good starting point, but not enough to make a convincing argument. Therefore, In my opinion, "Sex Addiction" is a justification, not an explanation or a valid theory. Hope that makes sense.

[Steadfast]

I view the split-self theory in the same light as being 'born gay'. To imply either is to suggest that one had no choice in the matter. To imply that goes against the very basics of human nature and/or the human condition. That's not to say the temptation (or pull) for certain lifestyles or actions isn't present, but to say one engages in a certain activity because they were born that way (or some other condition where the decision making process is kept from them) and have no choice means we live in a world where our nature is defined for us. It means we're not really free to choose. It means we live under the hand of control and are powerless to change if that's what we desire to do. What of the born murders? Pedophiles? No choice equals no personal accountability. Isn't that convenient?

 

No choice means no hope.

 

True happiness means not living under the guise of lies.

Edited September 27, 2013 by Steadfast

[Steadfast]

In split self the WS is happily living in both worlds. But if time goes by, will more likely than NOT choose the affair partner over the BS.

 

How are they able to "choose" later when they couldn't "choose" before? What irresistible force enters into a person to create two lives for themselves? Does the split-self sufferer enter in willingly? Unwillingly?

 

Still, I'm glad you admitted that choice does factor in. The rest is a side salad; different name, same ingredients.

 

The cheater living two lives is hardly a earth-shattering revelation. As I posted in this thread earlier, most people live two or more...depending on who they are with and what's at stake. This smells of excuse. Big time.

[Betterthanthis13]

You don't have to buy into any of this. At your own peril. For me, its more rational to think that there are different kinds of affairs, for different reasons, and for different intended outcomes.

 

Failure to come to terms with the evidence of 10s of thousands of affairs, the large majority of which can be explained by a descriptor (not so much a theory as a set of patterned behaviours) is less rational in my mind.

 

Finding a fit between what I have experienced and what experts claim are the patterns of behaviour for that kind of affair, seem to me to be enormously useful in terms of recovery. They shed light on the path.

 

To deny, outright, that sexual addiction is a ruse seems to me to be completely unhelpful in terms of coming to terms with human behaviour.

 

This is like saying dinosaurs never existed because it contradicts a world view that God put us all here and started with Adam and Eve. You can have that faith, but in order to do so, you are ignoring some pretty clear evidence to the contrary.

 

Well, for the record, I do believe in dinosaurs.... even though I have never encountered a live Tyrannosaurus Rex or a Pterodactyl, I have seen plenty of solid evidence at the science museum that they did, in fact, exist.

 

Is Sexual Addiction Real? | World of Psychology

 

I see plenty of experts who are way smarter than me agreeing that sex addiction is not a real addiction. It is not included in the DSM book for psychiatrists. It is not a real diagnosis at this point in time. So rather than just blindly accepting the concept of sex addiction being a valid pathology that could possibly explain cheating, I think it would be wise for me to investigate further.

 

I am happy for you that you find peace from the "Split self" theory... I really wish it was that easy for me to just chalk up my ex's actions to "sex addiction" and be done with it. But the evidence is just not there. The definition of "Sex addiction" does describe his behavior. I do not challenge that at all.

[Steadfast]

This is like saying dinosaurs never existed because it contradicts a world view that God put us all here and started with Adam and Eve. You can have that faith, but in order to do so, you are ignoring some pretty clear evidence to the contrary.

 

Mixing paleontology and theology to make your point? What of the Old Testament scripture that speaks of the 'great behemoths'?

 

Those who are led by fools become fools themselves. Much like this theory.

[Owl]

I agree entirely. Compartmentalization is part of the language of split self affair. My WS was beginning on just that journey: Stay in the marriage because the task of leaving it would be an admission of personal failure, kids were involved, and she frankly didnt want to have to watch her entire social status collapse around her. Because too the AP was equal in public status to her, she needed to protect both. The secret of abandoning the marriage slowly, and the secret of having an affair with someone who would make work unmanageble.

 

But...just because she used compartmentalization as part of her methodology to conduct the affair, that in no way makes it a "split self" affair.

 

The "split self" affair describes someone who is "split" between "doing the right thing" (which Brown appears to equate with staying in a loveless, unsatisfying marriage) and "doing what's right for me" (which she seems to equate to seeking a happier/healthier relationship with an outside person).

 

Tell me...do you feel that your wife really just relegated your marriage to being a loveless, unsatisfying relationship that she simply stayed in because it was the right thing to do? Do you agree with that...that it was indeed something that should have ended as it was loveless and the only reason it continued was 'habit'...was because you both were only there in the name of 'doing the right thing', and love had never been part of the equation?

 

Do you feel that your wife's love for OM was what she should have done for herself? That somehow OM was "saving her from doing the right thing (continuing on in that loveless/unsatisfying marriage)"?

 

That's why I call bullshyte on the "split self" affair.

 

What your wife engaged in was simply an affair. She wasn't "split self". She wanted both, simultaneously, and simply focused on compartmentalizing her focus to let her continue on with the affair. I doubt she had remained for any length of time in the marriage just because she was "doing the right thing". She only felt that way as a result of the affair...not as a result of some pre-existing condition. She engaged in a "normal" affair, like everyone else.

 

Your marriage was valid BEFORE the affair. It was worth having, and I doubt it was never a loving, fulfilling relationship prior to the affair...I doubt your wife had been somehow trapped for years there, just "doing the right thing". And then suddenly, mystically, OM awakened true love in her that she'd never felt before, that had been dormant for centuries.

 

But that's basically what this split self affair describes.

[velvette]

Thanks for typing that out Owl because those are my questions/problems re this theory also.

 

I believe some people do marry without love, without knowing what they are doing, too young and then they grow up/apart, etc. And, add societal/personal expectations or children to the mix and people can stay well past the expiration date.

 

But, if that's the case, why after having made that big a mistake would you continue dragging someone along with your split self into the infidelity abyss and then some convoluted therapy so you can reintegrate your long lost selves? Get a freakin divorce already.

[Owl]

Well, in the end all I can say is that I'm glad you were able to reconcile your marriage, Seaviews.

 

I doubt we'll agree on the "split self" concept...but we don't have to. We can agree to disagree, and move on.

 

Hope that all goes well in your reconciliation!