aMguilts Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I am at a loss to what to do. I really don’t seem to be getting anywhere in all this. Yesterday I was bad, didn’t do any work, today is bad too I don’t seem to be able to get my mind off her. I have no will power. It doesn’t help working from home all by my self, I HATE IT I'm so lonely, I miss my old life soooo much This new HELL is a nightmare I hate this feeling; I haven’t the strength to fight it anymore. So tired tom i can relate i know you`re tired when your down , remem,ber the high you was on last sat? it`s a rollercoaster up, down, up, down i`m going to say this as a , well maybe not a wake up call to you but hopefully it will make you think a bit when you are down , think about the ppl that are going through more than just a separation/divorce the kids with cancer, the old man, freezing in his own home the parent that lost their child to a drunk driver of all the things that that got me to where i am now was something along the lines of ` think you have it bad? go take a walk around a cancer unit and then look upon what you are feeling sorry for yourself about... and then think again` i`ve seen you on your way up tom you will learn to see the pattern too when your down, there`s only 1 way to go isn`t there? strive for it i know you miss her learn to ACCEPT hugs aM 2
Bluesandy Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) Hi Tom, I wish you to overpass this awfull stage... for me, it has been now almost 10 weeks since the split and I am recovering pretty well... Still a lot of unanswered questions forever, and yes, like you, we were making love almost till the end.. But that's a new reality... I am still very surprised she got nobody in her life.. be careful, it could be somebody she met on the internet, and so she can see him still very rarely.. My wife successed in hiding the OM pretty well for a month, and even to her closest colleagues, and it was her boss.... so nothing is impossible... I cannot give you another advice than be ready to redo your life with another mate... For me, as you know it as been magical for my recovery to find a great girl.. Am I cured? Not yet.. I am still waking up everynite in the middle of the nite thinking about what I have lost, but at least, the rest of the day, I am pretty normal, and her face fades away cause I am avoiding absolutely all physical contact with her.. I can't avoid email, but I stay very cold, colder than her.... And yes, the first month, I remember telling our story to all of my friends... That's where you will find out where your real friends are, the ones who listen to you and give you advices... We are all wounded, but right, we will all recover.... I got no doubt about it.. It is just a matter of time and a matter of how each one of us will deal with the separation... Courage André Edited May 1, 2013 by Bluesandy
Author Tom amoss Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Thanks for all your replies I continue to keep the business going with her, at the moment it gives me flexibility with my time which I need. I hope in time to be able to cope more with emailing her about business, but I admit its very hard. It also keeps us in contact which I hope may be a way back together (although I’m not that hopeful), I know you all think me mad. BUT I do have to work on my self FOR my self, and that’s what I am doing. But keeping the thoughts at bay is hard. Yoga was Ok, glad I went. I hope there isn't another man, I really do. I really couldn’t face that as well. Tom
Shocked Suzie Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Thanks for all your replies I continue to keep the business going with her, at the moment it gives me flexibility with my time which I need. I hope in time to be able to cope more with emailing her about business, but I admit its very hard. It also keeps us in contact which I hope may be a way back together (although I’m not that hopeful), I know you all think me mad. BUT I do have to work on my self FOR my self, and that’s what I am doing. But keeping the thoughts at bay is hard. Yoga was Ok, glad I went. I hope there isn't another man, I really do. I really couldn’t face that as well. Tom There is nothing wrong in hoping...but you must change and do things for yourself that way you might win her back .....or you'll be ready to start your new life chapter
TailSpin75 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Hi Tom - That hope is an interesting animal my friend. Personally I do not think you mad for having that hope - I'm one (who through my own experience) believes it's a natural 'feeling' and one that is completely reflective of the love you have for her. It's clear that your rational mind understands the 'work' you'd like for yourself - but as humans we are susceptible to be driven by emotions (at times) and unfortunately - every interaction, thought, or encounter with 'her' will provoke emotion from within you. It's an ebb and flow process my friend but remember the 'good' and know that when they are not present - they will return. People seem to get themselves in trouble when they 'act' on their emotions. I think a fair number of people on here may claim there's another man - I know I'm not one to say in your case; all our situations are unique and the readers here only know what you divulge. However, an ending is an ending in my opinion... it's the loss we grieve and the changes that we fear. As always my friend, I continue to encourage you to do your best. 1
Author Tom amoss Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Bored Bored Bored! Its one thing dealing with the emotions, then it get to after work,(Work from home) and I have nothing to do. Can't keep seeing the same set of friends, so what the heck do you do with time. Been on my own all day and crave company Tom
TailSpin75 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Hi Tom - time is both the saviour and in the case of your previous post - the tormentor. I took to reading and play chess on-line... in fact if you have a Yahoo! account - there are many games on-line that serve as a useful way to simply pass time. On the reading side - I consumed a fair amount of 'self help' books and articles on-line and also some books which were of interest to me (non-fiction science stuff). I also tried to eat up small chucks of time by going for a walk or taking shower.
aMguilts Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Bored Bored Bored! Its one thing dealing with the emotions, then it get to after work,(Work from home) and I have nothing to do. Can't keep seeing the same set of friends, so what the heck do you do with time. Been on my own all day and crave company Tom your bored because you aren`t dealing with your emotions they are dealing with you go for a walk, buy a bike and ride like there`s no tomorrow( cos 1 day there wont be) Go to your nearest animal rescue centre and buy a dog take it down the beach, take it to the park. ah the ammount of ppl i meet taking my dog out is unreal! plus you will be saving a dogs life , you get out, you WILL meet new ppl and you will be getting exercise:) it`ll be a win win win win all round aM 1
aMguilts Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 i reckon it`ll be easier making friends on a dog walk than in, say a bar or pub(as us brits call them ) and as you work from home, its perfect go get a dog it`ll be more faithfull than any human ever could sad to say that , but its true aM
Big Jim Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Hi 5 weeks ago my wife left me. Its permanent, no way to fix it. But I am so not coping with this. I’m a complete emotional wreck. 24 year of my life completely down the drain. How on earth do you cope with this pain. Please some one help! Many thanks Tom Hey Tom 10 months ago my wife of 18 years told me she was not sure she wanted to be married. I was completely blind sided. I told her i would change and I wanted to remain married. I even quit drinking. Then a month later she told me she was thinking of pursuing another relation ship. I was devistated. We tried marriage counseling, marriage retreat, marriage bible study and various other things. This whole time she has been having an emotional affair with a co worker. I am completely in love with my wife and I find her the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever seen. We have 3 wonderful kids. I have not been coping well my self. It has been a 10 month nightmare. I have lost my mind, heart and soul. I have lost 30 lbs and I am now around 155 lbs. I feel your pain. I also am not sure what to do. I think it is time for me to consider defeat. I am so scared to live without her. Every second of every day all I can do is think about her. I have spent 10 months trying to win her love back, it is not working. The pain has been indescribable. I pray every day and I will pray for you. We are not physiacaly seperated yet but emotionaly she is done with us. Anyways dude if you need to talk respond. I know what you are going thru.
2sunny Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Bored Bored Bored! Its one thing dealing with the emotions, then it get to after work,(Work from home) and I have nothing to do. Can't keep seeing the same set of friends, so what the heck do you do with time. Been on my own all day and crave company Tom You get BUSY LIVING - or you get busy dying! Stop handing HER so munch of YOUR POWER! You deserve to be happy - get busy finding new things that bring happiness to your daily life! Play golf, tennis or anything! Join a book club. Join lots of clubs. Sign up for classes! 3
Bluesandy Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) You get BUSY LIVING - or you get busy dying! Stop handing HER so munch of YOUR POWER! You deserve to be happy - get busy finding new things that bring happiness to your daily life! Play golf, tennis or anything! Join a book club. Join lots of clubs. Sign up for classes! Hey Tom, I agree with all of above... Plus try to make new friends and especially, try to meet new girls.... Give you the ability to move on, even if your brain is still mourning your wife... Been there, done it... And thankfully it has worked for me... If you are really stressed, beside the yoga and the therapist session, try acupuncture, it is very efficient for the stress as well as certain massages.. But don't forget, if she left you it is because she didn't love you enough... If you change, making effort to be another man, may be she could review her position (although, being another man, and having met other great women, you won't take her back, that's what happend with me...), and willing to get back with you. But to continue hoping she will be back as is now is pointless..... Courage, I can tell there are a lot of people in this website who want to help you.... Your happiness is not that far, and it is closer than you think.... André Edited May 3, 2013 by Bluesandy
Author Tom amoss Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Hi all, and really thanks for all your messages. I can tell you how grateful i am. It’s so frustrating not being able to do anything with ME. Its like I have given so much to my marriage, I loved too much, gave too much, and now I have nothing left, I feel I am dried out as a person. Some how I have to start loving my self, build my self esteem, but feel like a little boy screaming out HELP ME, HOW do I do this..... OK, she's not coming back... Ok start to live life, BUT DO WHAT! Time I have, money some of, and not a thing to do, or want to do more like! And it’s very sad, and actually I'm really angry about it. I can’t fix my marriage, and I cant fix my self, WHAT A STATE to be in. I need purpose, a hope, a vision, I need a plan to get me through this. I WANT TO BE inspired. Ranting here, and have shouted a lot to day. I coudn't date even if I wanted too, would't have a clue even how to begin. Tom
Shocked Suzie Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Hi all, and really thanks for all your messages. I can tell you how grateful i am. It’s so frustrating not being able to do anything with ME. Its like I have given so much to my marriage, I loved too much, gave too much, and now I have nothing left, I feel I am dried out as a person. Some how I have to start loving my self, build my self esteem, but feel like a little boy screaming out HELP ME, HOW do I do this..... OK, she's not coming back... Ok start to live life, BUT DO WHAT! Time I have, money some of, and not a thing to do, or want to do more like ! And it’s very sad, and actually I'm really angry about it. I can’t fix my marriage, and I cant fix my self, WHAT A STATE to be in. I need purpose, a hope, a vision, I need a plan to get me through this. I WANT TO BE inspired. Ranting here, and have shouted a lot to day. I coudn't date even if I wanted too, would't have a clue even how to begin. Tom You are doing what I did in the early stages....still do it now a bit, try to take each day as it comes...each hour if you have to!!! Your emotions will go up and down....you will try to look deep into them, but you get know where and wear yourself out trying. I try 'it doesn't always work' to focus on what positives I do have and ignore the rest...they will get sorted out in time
TailSpin75 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Hi Tom - I am sorry for the things you wrestle with at this point and (as best you can) please know this is a part of that process. You mind is so much father ahead of your emotions (in terms of accepting the major changes in your life) - that at times I'm sure it feels as though it threatens to tear you apart. A perspective that a friend of mine shared with me in the first couple of months - was that this process is not unlike a physical injury. He said - if you were a distance runner who suffered a horrible car accident - you would need your body to heal before exercising, training, and running again. The emotional damage we received from the bombs that were dropped in our lives - is extensive - it's traumatic and it's going to take time to heal. Trust that those moments of strength will come more frequently and that the perspectives you have now (which I'm sure continue to change rapidly) will begin to settle into place. Keep doing the best you can Tom
Author Tom amoss Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Why oh Why did I do it! I have sent her a email, just saying I would love to take her in my car with the roof down in the sunny weather. Stupid, because all i'm waiting for now is a reply, which wont come. I have had a really bad weekend, and is bank holiday monday today, the sun is out and I hate this life I have been given. All I want is her back in my life, and I dont know how to go about it! Tom
mandy6979 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Hi Tom I feel your pain as I'm also in a similar position. My husband of 23 years left me 6 weeks ago after what was an amazing marriage. As far as I was concerned there were no problems and we were so happy together. We'd returned from an amazing Caribbean cruise 6 weeks before and were planning where to go for our next holiday. Unbeknown to me, he'd already started seeing a work colleague behind my back. He works abroad for 4 weeks at a time, so this was quite easy for him to do in secret without me knowing. He'd already had a previous affair with another foreign woman 18 months previously, but I'd forgiven him and our marriage was stronger than ever. He was my soulmate and best friend and I'm so lost without him :-( He's now living abroad with his new GF while I'm left at home to get on with things and its a daily struggle. I find the prospect of starting from scratch again a very scary experience and can't imagine anyone wanting a 43 year old woman like me :-( I've lost all my self confidence and hate myself so much right now. I hate him for what he's done to me and my daughter and I hope his new life crumbles apart.
HeavenOrHell Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Hi Tom, my partner left after 18 years, nearly 4 years ago, I'll be honest with you it gets easier in some ways but not in others, for me anyway, spent the first 6 months wailing and in deep depression, how do you cope when your soul mate leaves... I thought I'd never be with anyone again, at 43, I thought that was it, I'd lost the person I was going to grow old with. The thought of being with someone else repulsed me. I threw myself into my work and social life, had to force myself to do it as I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep and not wake up. I went to Relate, which was helpful. Went through so many horrible emotions around and around for months. Got to the point I knew I was the only one who could stop this pain and going around and around and crying etc etc, had to do it myself or could be in that pit forever and that scared me. I got stronger bit by bit from that point, met someone else after 7 months, which amazed me, he was in a similar position, which helped, when we met online at first we both wanted out ex's back, we helped each other through. I've been in an LDR for 3 years now. I feel very lonely at times, the bed still feels empty, but it's bearable now, most of the time, do still have the occasional night I cry for what I lost. I'm not crying for him as such as it was right to split up, I haven't wanted him back for a long time, but I miss the companionship, someone always being there sharing everything with. He ended up with an ex friend of mine, which I knew would happen. Me and him were never the marrying type, but now all of a sudden he is and she and him are getting married, that got to me recently. We are still friends, was never any animosity between us, but I stopped seeing him a few weeks ago, (we were still meeting up twice a month), as it kept me in the past too much. I'll probably just see him now and again if it feels right. So, things on the whole, get easier, but I still have my moments. You'll get there. One thing which did not help me was seeing a lot of him after we split, neither of us were coping well with splitting up, but seeing him kept me hopeful that we'd get back together. In the end I stopped seeing him for a few weeks, so I could let go, and then I met someone else. I thought I wouldn't survive it, but I did, and trust me if I can then you can too
Bluesandy Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 OK, she's not coming back... Ok start to live life, BUT DO WHAT! Time I have, money some of, and not a thing to do, or want to do more like! And it’s very sad, and actually I'm really angry about it. I can’t fix my marriage, and I cant fix my self, WHAT A STATE to be in. I need purpose, a hope, a vision, I need a plan to get me through this. I WANT TO BE inspired. Ranting here, and have shouted a lot to day. I coudn't date even if I wanted too, would't have a clue even how to begin. Tom Hi Tom, Don't stay alone, talk with friends and family the more you can.... A vision? not that easy since you have to do a recallibration of yourself due to 24 years of adaptation with your other half.. I know it cause I am quiet in the same situation than yours. You can't date cause you don't have a clue how to begin? Simple.. register to a Dating site.. You can select your criterias, and you will be surprise how many people are there in the same situation than yours and looking for the same thing.... Give it a try, it doesn't cost a lot (I tried it for a month)... Nothing like the contact of someone who starts taking care of you to give you some confidence.. It is not perfect.. 10 weeks since my split and 6 weeks since I met that wonderful girl I have met through that dating site.. I think I would be so down now if I wouldn't have make that move.. I still have my down (the worse is that recurrent question.. why did we come to that split), especially when alone, like this morning, after a wonderful week-end with her.. but at least, I know that when I'll see her, everything bad will vanish, at least for the time being with her... Please Tom, give it a try, I know it is not that easy, but it is one of the best solution... Courage André
HeavenOrHell Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I put all my spare time into helping others, keeps me sane and it's so fulfilling, and takes me away from my problems. 1
Author Tom amoss Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) I so wish i could meet up with one of you lot. I don’t think anyone is in the Oxfordshire UK area. I have to make some decisions about my future, I can’t continue as it is. The main one being the business. I can’t keep working with her even if its just email, it not working well, and she want us to have tel contact, or even face to face contact. She keeps saying we could just be friends..... HOW can you do that? Its too emotional for me, it tares me apart, and it just over 2 months now, and I feel no way forward. mandy6979 your story is sad, but 43 is better that 48 which is were I find my self:), but its still cr#p I know. HeavenOrHell you have found someone else thats good, your lucky. Thanks TailSpin75 I feed of your replys so much. I did look at dating websites, and sent 10 emails and got no replies. Not a very happy start. Tom Edited May 7, 2013 by Tom amoss 1
Author Tom amoss Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 You know what my problem is ....... I Just can't let her go! 24 years and you just can't stop loving a person, even when they leave you. I need to let her go. BUT HOW DO YOU DO THAT? Tom
HeavenOrHell Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 It will take longer to let go if you're still in contact with her, you are right I don't think you can keep working with her. You can't be friends when you are still in love with her, I tried it and failed miserably, even now nearly 4 years on I can't work out if it's best that I never see him again. I definitely should not have stayed in touch immediately after we split, everyone on here kept telling me that, because it kept me hoping for more, unable to let go. I got to the point it was more painful to keep seeing him than to walk away, as I knew by then he did not want me back and was getting interested in other women, that was 6 months after we split, so I cut contact for a weeks which helped, then we met up after on another footing and it was easier. You will find a way forward but it does take time I've found someone else, but 3 years long distance is doing my head in, I'm not happy, spent another lonely night last night crying myself to sleep. I don't feel lucky right now, I'm depressed and exhausted, but still more sane than I was after ex left. I think it's too early to look at dating sites while you still want her back, I couldn't look at another man for at least 6 months. I'm in the UK too I so wish i could meet up with one of you lot. I don’t think anyone is in the Oxfordshire UK area. I have to make some decisions about my future, I can’t continue as it is. The main one being the business. I can’t keep working with her even if its just email, it not working well, and she want us to have tel contact, or even face to face contact. She keeps saying we could just be friends..... HOW can you do that? Its too emotional for me, it tares me apart, and it just over 2 months now, and I feel no way forward. mandy6979 your story is sad, but 43 is better that 48 which is were I find my self:), but its still cr#p I know. HeavenOrHell you have found someone else thats good, your lucky. Thanks TailSpin75 I feed of your replys so much. I did look at dating websites, and sent 10 emails and got no replies. Not a very happy start. Tom
HeavenOrHell Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 By accepting that she has moved on. By stoping contact with her, for now at least. By giving yourself time to grieve and heal. It takes a lot of time and effort... You know what my problem is ....... I Just can't let her go! 24 years and you just can't stop loving a person, even when they leave you. I need to let her go. BUT HOW DO YOU DO THAT? Tom 2
HeavenOrHell Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I mean I cut contact for a few weeks so I could try and let go. Keep posting, let us know how you're doing....
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