24 years marriage - ended

[aMguilts]

burning me up what's shes doing tonight on her birthday.

Makes me cry.

 

Can't wait for tomorrow

 

Tom

 

in bold

 

 

again you are thinking about her, what SHE`s doing

 

what are

YOU doing tonight?

to make tommorrow a better day like you felt last night?

 

 

aM

Edited April 25, 2013 by aMguilts

[Caldespair]

I am with blue sandy on the dating thing.

I'm 4.5 months separated, doing lawyer dance wasting money.

The dating thing has made my life bearable. I still miss my old life, my wife, my house, my pets, but having companionship with a new women, has helped ease my suffering. I'm not saying sleeping with, it did happen once, but texting in the evening, having dinner on Friday night with.

I've done therapy, exercise until I've lost 20lbs, mediated, but nothing compares to being distracted by another women. It brightens my mood when I think of our talk to these women. But to be sure, I was feeling so low today, I came home, and balled my eyes out for a bit. I miss my old life and my sbxw.

[Bluesandy]

Hi Tom,

About dating another girl, I know it looks weird when the only thing you have in mind is how to get back your wife and your old life, but believe me, that's the best thing you have to do... When I found that new girl who was completly different from my wife (I didn't want to go to the same pattern), I choose her because of her physical aspect, for sure (we are men lol), but especially because she is a world of affection... I didn't need sex with her for sure, (I was so destroyed in the inside and my body was just telling me no, you are cheating your wife lol), just cuddling to feel a warm body close to me... But for sure.. she will need more of you... so for a while, just to give me a boost, I must admit I cheated using some blue pills, at least to give her a bit of what she expected.. after showing her I was able to do something normal, I stopped after 2 weeks taking the blue pills (she never knew about the pills part lol), and obviously, my libido started to be rock and roll, meaning I wasn't able to perform everytime.. but explaining the situation,she fully understood.. So we still make love like twice a week, when I can, which is more that I was doing with my wife after 23 years anyway, but still less than she is expecting. But nevermind.. We see each other everyday, kissing like crazy wherever we are.. I can tell you I got less and less down, after only 2 months since my separation, including a month with her, I have made a lot of progress. I feel much better, I have stopped the psychotherapy I was doing, and I feel the connexion with that girl growing everyday... We already said each other that we love each other, and that's true.... I never felt so much magnetism with a girl.. may be it is the situation which increase your level of pure emotion.. not sure of that part... but the time being with her is amazing...

As a matter of fact, I still love my wife, but I have discovered a whole new world with my new date.. Honnestly, even if I still love my wife for sure, not sure what I would do now if she would like to come back... the connexion with that new girl is so amazing, hard to remember such a connection with my wife.... Life is weird sometimes....

You know, in the first weeks of my separation, when I was still alone, people was telling me that I had to restart a new life with another girl, and at that time, I was so bad, I couldn't believe them... Now I know it is possible..

 

May be I got lucky to meet that girl so fast, but I made the move to look for girls through that dating site the very same day after my separation, because something in me was yelling out that it was my only way to survive and especially to move on faster.

 

By the way, I choose her after having met several girls on the dating site. I didn't choose the first one, but the more compatible one..

Now, I know I have done the right choice...

 

Hope it can help you in your decision...

 

By the way, can you tell me what happened last nite for her birthday.. Just curious....

Courage

André

 

Ps: caldespair is a good example of success...

Edited April 26, 2013 by Bluesandy

[stillafool]

Hi Tom and welcome to LS. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Unfortunately I am with the others who think your wife is involved with another man. Did she ever tell you she was unhappy? Did she explain her issues with you?

 

You might try eating yogurt and drinking low sodium chicken broth to help your nervous stomach. I've found prayer helped more than anything when I was getting over a breakup. Also church is a great place to meet nice people. I like the idea of journaling what you are feeling because you can write down things you may never say to other people. We are here to listen and give opinions so post as much as you feel.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am also from the school of getting back into the dating scene as soon as you can.

 

Immediately after the breakup I was at the bottom of a black hole of emotional despair. There was no laughter, joy or happiness

 

Fortunately after about a month a pretty face looked down at me and asked if I wanted to come out an play. In a flash, I was back flying with the eagles, there was still of life of laughter, joy and even happiness.

 

By pure luck, the Ex and her new BF came by our old complex the next day to BBQ with the next door neighbor, and she once again came by to visit with her babies, our cats. Actually it was to flaunt her new BF. When she spotted an MT champagne bottle in the trash she ran to the bedroom and seeing the way the bed was screwed up knew that I had had company. She did a total 180, crying, crawling on her knees begging for a second chance. She even went so far as to go outside and yell at the top of her lungs so the whole neighborhood could hear, what a loser the BF was in bed.

 

She moved out of his life that night, and began a campaign to win me back.

 

It was the start of my recovery, as soon as the lease had run out, I moved into a large apartment complex of almost all singles, and I was back on the path to being a real person again

[Bluesandy]

@2.50 a Gallon

Yeah.. that's the ideal case scenario, and now your only problem is a question of choice. ;-)

[Tom amoss]

Hi all.

I here all that you say in the dating thing, and i can tell you its very tempting.

 

and looking at Match.com (UK) there certainly girls in my area, but how lucky I would be in getting a repy……I bet there are more men than girls. but...

 

After 24 years with a girl, and 24 years of loving that girl totally, to the point of losing my self in her, I find that I don't really know who I am.

 

If I want to find my self, would I not need to do this single?

I don’t know that answer, just throwing it out.

 

To find my self again, and at the moment do I care ( I want to, No, I DO) I need to live a life with no support from anyone, at the moment I can't get through the day without crying, and going to see a neighbour.

 

Today has been the start of a weekend by my self, I have something’s planned, and tonight I went to see another old friend.

 

Spending an evening by myself is unthinkable at the moment.

 

I miss her. I really do, dam this feeling I hate it.

 

But I am still determined to build my life, bit by bit.

 

I'm not sooooo impatient as I was, and seriously need to put on some weight,as I look like a starved War prisoner.

 

That all said, dating is still tempting.

 

Tom

[Shocked Suzie]

Hi all.

I here all that you say in the dating thing, and i can tell you its very tempting.

 

and looking at Match.com (UK) there certainly girls in my area, but how lucky I would be in getting a repy……I bet there are more men than girls. but...

 

After 24 years with a girl, and 24 years of loving that girl totally, to the point of losing my self in her, I find that I don't really know who I am.

 

If I want to find my self, would I not need to do this single?

I don’t know that answer, just throwing it out.

 

To find my self again, and at the moment do I care ( I want to, No, I DO) I need to live a life with no support from anyone, at the moment I can't get through the day without crying, and going to see a neighbour.

 

Today has been the start of a weekend by my self, I have something’s planned, and tonight I went to see another old friend.

 

Spending an evening by myself is unthinkable at the moment.

 

I miss her. I really do, dam this feeling I hate it.

 

But I am still determined to build my life, bit by bit.

 

I'm not sooooo impatient as I was, and seriously need to put on some weight,as I look like a starved War prisoner.

 

That all said, dating is still tempting.

 

Tom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me personally ...I think going Straight into dating is the last thing i need, I want to find out who I am again. Yeah if I met someone randomly at a BBQ or something yep I'd go on date, but I really feel I need to sort my head out a bit before I make dating my next life's mission maybe it's just me?? Lol

 

I feel totally head screwed, not a greatest catch ATM...I want to have some fun sole searching first

[TailSpin75]

Hi Tom - I gotta agree with Suzie on this this matter. I'm not opposed to dating but you said it - there's a part of this (a huge part of this) that's about finding yourself.

 

I've thought about it like this (keeping in mind that I was not a big fan of being alone either) - if I met someone - hit it off then things ended - I would be right back to square one with a compounded set of problems. My goal has been to be content with being alone and it didn't take as long as I thought it would. I was terrified and strongly opposed to the idea initially but now - there's a lot I enjoy about the time I get to myself.

 

I created an online dating profile and have interacted with a number of women (in all cases they've initiated contact). It's nice to have that interaction and I've met up with a couple of them. I don't operate with any sort of agenda - I'm more or less still 'feeling' my way around this new single life, but it's nice to meet with people who do not have a clue who I was as a married man. There's no way I would have been comfortable doing this any earlier that several weeks ago and I still move through this at a pace that's slower then some who know me feel that I should. But I'm just fine with my pace and the interactions I have.

 

This whole experience has been about me being true to myself and determining what I want for me. It's so much easier to answer what I want in the short term rather than the long term. Eventually (of course) I think I'd like to be in a long term relationship but for now I'm just out to meet new people and remain open to good chemistry.

 

Keep that determination to build your life bit by bit Tom but move at your pace my friend and not the pace of others.

[Shocked Suzie]

To me sleeping regularly with random people would sound off some serious alarm bells and personally I wouldn't touch u with a 10ft pole!!! Also if emotionally you are not repaired how lonely would meaningless sex be!!!!!! Yuk! Find yourself, give your brain some needed head space and then mingle in natural way.... Picking girls off one after the other isn't nice n a total turn off! means you are emotionally detached and just skim over the service of peoples feelings!

[Shocked Suzie]

Hi Tom - I gotta agree with Suzie on this this matter. I'm not opposed to dating but you said it - there's a part of this (a huge part of this) that's about finding yourself.

 

I've thought about it like this (keeping in mind that I was not a big fan of being alone either) - if I met someone - hit it off then things ended - I would be right back to square one with a compounded set of problems. My goal has been to be content with being alone and it didn't take as long as I thought it would. I was terrified and strongly opposed to the idea initially but now - there's a lot I enjoy about the time I get to myself.

 

I created an online dating profile and have interacted with a number of women (in all cases they've initiated contact). It's nice to have that interaction and I've met up with a couple of them. I don't operate with any sort of agenda - I'm more or less still 'feeling' my way around this new single life, but it's nice to meet with people who do not have a clue who I was as a married man. There's no way I would have been comfortable doing this any earlier that several weeks ago and I still move through this at a pace that's slower then some who know me feel that I should. But I'm just fine with my pace and the interactions I have.

 

This whole experience has been about me being true to myself and determining what I want for me. It's so much easier to answer what I want in the short term rather than the long term. Eventually (of course) I think I'd like to be in a long term relationship but for now I'm just out to meet new people and remain open to good chemistry.

 

 

Keep that determination to build your life bit by bit Tom but move at your pace my friend and not the pace of others.

 

Perfectly written and said! ... as usual

[Shocked Suzie]

To me sleeping regularly with random people would sound off some serious alarm bells and personally I wouldn't touch u with a 10ft pole!!! Also if emotionally you are not repaired how lonely would meaningless sex be!!!!!! Yuk! Find yourself, give your brain some needed head space and then mingle in natural way.... Picking girls off one after the other isn't nice n a total turn off! means you are emotionally detached and just skim over the service of peoples feelings!

 

 

Surface not service lol

[Tom amoss]

Hi all.

 

Well got through the weekend, today was a positive day, only because I'm in the mind set that I need to work on my self, sort myself out, and fix the problems that caused the marriage breakdown.

 

Only thing being I need to motive myself to do it for my self, and not because I want her back. But in the back of my mind I can't shift the idea that she may come back if I can show that i'm strong and independent.

 

It’s a difficult one.

 

Either way, I have to do, less I go down the tubes for a long time.

 

I want to keep this feeling forever; I don't need any more really bad days like Saturday.

 

Tom

[Shocked Suzie]

Hi all.

 

Well got through the weekend, today was a positive day, only because I'm in the mind set that I need to work on my self, sort myself out, and fix the problems that caused the marriage breakdown.

 

Only thing being I need to motive myself to do it for my self, and not because I want her back. But in the back of my mind I can't shift the idea that she may come back if I can show that i'm strong and independent.

 

It’s a difficult one.

 

Either way, I have to do, less I go down the tubes for a long time.

 

I want to keep this feeling forever; I don't need any more really bad days like Saturday.

 

Tom

 

 

I'm glad you are feeling more positive and yes the self improvement must be for you not with the thought of her coming back.

 

 

Deep down for me I suppose I hoped that my H would see the light, but really do I want a person who did what he did and I'd do what he is doing now... No way!

 

Long and dumpy road ahead! But sure we'll get there

[aMguilts]

Hi all.

 

Well got through the weekend, today was a positive day, only because I'm in the mind set that I need to work on my self, sort myself out, and fix the problems that caused the marriage breakdown.

 

Only thing being I need to motive myself to do it for my self, and not because I want her back. But in the back of my mind I can't shift the idea that she may come back if I can show that i'm strong and independent.

 

It’s a difficult one.

Either way, I have to do, less I go down the tubes for a long time.

 

I want to keep this feeling forever; I don't need any more really bad days like Saturday.

 

Tom

 

tom

i`ve highlighted 1 word on purpose

 

show

 

listen,

you can SHOW her whatever

you can show her you are strong

you can show her that you are independent

 

but...BIG but here...... sorry for saying this

but until you ARE `strong and independent`

she will see nothing but the opposite

she will see you like a plane of glass

 

and another thing...get it out your head that YOU are the main reason for the breakdown

your not, she has 50% in it too

Glass is half full, not empty, ok?

 

tommorrow, get up off your as s and do something

anything, even if its just to walk to the shop and buy a paper

then read it( thats another half hour)

 

get her out your head

the sooner the better

it will come

 

head high as you walk

 

aM

[Bluesandy]

I agree with amguitlts... the keyword is to avoid to have any kind of thoughts... The breakdown wasn't your fault.. She was expecting something and you weren't the solution, because what she was expecting was different.. As said amguilts, you can change everything on you, she always will always see something different.. Check out if there isn't another guy in the map, cause it will change all your expectations...

Nothing is eternal, and people might come back sometimes together, but right now, the focus must be on yourself... What ever is the solution. If you are really strong, stay alone and work on who you are really.

If not, the support of another girl could be precious.. very precious.. I am not tallking about laying down with a lot of women as have said suzie, but really to try to find a relation with someone compatible with your taste and to be with you at least during this bad part of your journey... (can be more if really compatible)... That's what happend in my case... I am falling in love deeper and deeeper with that girl I have found on the dating site.... same pattern than me, cute, generous, wounded as well by her past separtion, and for that reason, we are on the same level of emotion.. that's fantastic..... I have less and less bad toughts about my wife and her new man, and thinking about my new date more and more... I am glad I took this path 5 weeks ago, because after only 9 weeks after my separation, I would be a total wreck now... It helps you a lot to be able to share the life of someone who give you back a lot of affection...

Courage Tom.. I know how hard it could be... I am in the same boat, 23 years of marriage in the garbage (she disappeared from my life suddenly, explaining to everyone it was because she was unhappy with me and my fault, and was a move to be alone, but after 2 weeks, we discovered that it was just to jump into her lovers'bed...), very family oriented, and my 3 girls decided to stay with me... how lucky I am ...

Edited April 29, 2013 by Bluesandy

[Shocked Suzie]

@2.50 a Gallon

Yeah.. that's the ideal case scenario, and now your only problem is a question of choice. ;-)

 

ha ha for a minute there i thought you was a player

 

Im glad you have found a new GF and that she understands you too as she has experienced the same, I'd like that too.... im starting to look forward to the relationship possibility in the future too...although i find the thought a little daunting as well just gonna take my time, have some me time and if someone comes along then great...got lots going on atm so just feel that a relationship isn't the right thing for me personally just yet

 

..hope she's the one

[Tom amoss]

I am at a loss to what to do.

 

I really don’t seem to be getting anywhere in all this.

 

Yesterday I was bad, didn’t do any work, today is bad too

 

I don’t seem to be able to get my mind off her.

 

I have no will power.

 

It doesn’t help working from home all by my self, I HATE IT

 

I'm so lonely, I miss my old life soooo much

 

This new HELL is a nightmare

 

I hate this feeling; I haven’t the strength to fight it anymore.

 

So tired

[BlackGoaty]

Hey Tom, I have been following your thread. Can you get out to some cafes with wifi to work rather than cooping up at home? The outside environment will definitely do you good. No matter how much you feel like staying in and feeling shi**y, just get washed, wear something nice, go bring your work to a nice cafe and just do your work from there.

[TailSpin75]

Hi Tom - I understand too... missing the old life. For the first couple of months I couldn't shake the feeling that I woke up in someone else's life - with all of my memories from the old. I wondered how I would accept this change and adapt to this new life. What became apparent after some time was that the new life was impossible to see through the emotional fog. It was tough to not compare what I had (or thought I had) with what I was given - but do your best to remember (when you are low) that time changes perspective.

 

I am sorry you're struggling Tom... motivation was (and at times is) something that I continue to wrestle with as well. Think about your Yoga class - stepping outside your comfort zone and deciding to do it. You didn't wait until you felt like you wanted to do - you trusted that you could go and just see what happened. Turned out to be a positive experience for you!

 

The nature of this recovery process will be a balancing act... pushing yourself to 'do' at times when you don't feel up to it with taking the time to 'feel the feelings' and be able to let them out. It's not about running away from the feelings but it also cannot be about being consumed by them.

 

Keep doing the best you can Tom - one day at a time my friend.

[Bluesandy]

ha ha for a minute there i thought you was a player

 

Im glad you have found a new GF and that she understands you too as she has experienced the same, I'd like that too.... im starting to look forward to the relationship possibility in the future too...although i find the thought a little daunting as well just gonna take my time, have some me time and if someone comes along then great...got lots going on atm so just feel that a relationship isn't the right thing for me personally just yet

 

..hope she's the one

 

Yeah.. I must be very lucky cause for now, our passion between each other is just growing day after day.... not sure how I would have cope with less passionnated girl... But I am definitively like Tom.. I was so lost I couldn't stand to stay alone... I felt so depressed... so this girl took me out from the hole where I was digging deeper and deeper.. Hard time to get back onmy feet by myself.. I still have my low, especially when I get in contact with my wife for any reason, like the kids, the budget or whatever, like I was yesterday nite.. But I called my new girl, cried a little bit and she supported me all along my low... I felt much better afterwards... She told me it was normal to get low, and she told me she got hers, and was sure that I will support her when she wil have her lows.. So sweet.... and supportive....Hope she is the one as well ;-)

[Tom amoss]

Hi All

 

I made a great effert not to think about the whole thing today, and it works.

Had a much better day. Its time to move on now.

Had a gut full of feeling really low, off to yoga again tonight, so hope its as good as before.

 

Thanks you everyone

 

Tom

[2.50 a gallon]

At first the way it works is every day you get a little better, but it is so small you don't realize it, it is only after weeks and months that you really begin to notice how your feelings have changed.

[GorillaTheater]

Tom, you have plenty on your plate just taking care of yourself at this point, but do you have any plans or at least thoughts on divorce and/or splitting the business?

[aMguilts]

Tom, you have plenty on your plate just taking care of yourself at this point, but do you have any plans or at least thoughts on divorce and/or splitting the business?

 

ahhhh gorilla.... come back and start posting more!!!

 

aM