24 years marriage - ended

[Tom amoss]

there’s no man, that I’m sure about.

 

But even if there was, its not her, is me that has the grief, and loss and emotion that I can't handle.

 

Really trying this morning to work, its so hard.

 

In the end, its just chemicals in my brain. If I could change that balance I would be cope.

 

ITS ONLY IN MY HEAD all this....................

[TailSpin75]

Tom - you weathering an emotional storm of a lifetime. Like you - I had no interest in 'doing' anything and work... forget about it. In the battle between the mind and the emotions - the emotions are winning right now - because a bomb exploded in your life.

 

Take the meds and don't put stock in what others tell you otherwise about that. I'm sure they mean well (as I'm sure you can appreciate) but you've got to get through the dark times.

 

Also - I do not agree with having her followed - that is a no win endeavor my friend. There is nothing that you will find that will bring you peace - in fact it will likely only cause more pain. There are things that you will continue to wrestle with for awhile (and again it does get easier with time) - what has worked for me has been to stay away to resist every urge or impulse to contact her or find out anything about her. I was not very good at this early on - and I took an emotional beating for it.

 

It sucks that this process takes so much time - do your best to not look toward the future. You must find the faith that as time continues and it gets easier your struggle will not be the same as it is today. I can see the effort you are make through your words - time and persistence my friend.

[Tom amoss]

errrr just had to speak to her because of work.

that was so hard, I was nice and to the point, but it makes me miss her so much.

 

i hate this

 

Tom

[Tom amoss]

Hi TailSpin75

 

Please keep looking at my posts, you really seem to know what this is all about, I love your replys.

I have no intention of following her, i really hate seeing her, talking, emailing, see her car in town etc

It so makes things worse.

I wish I didn't live here, but i have no choise in that, I have to take care of this house and my kids, being 19 and 21 they are independant, but I still cook.

I still find it hard to except she has really left, i love her, well I love the girl I thought i knew, the girl out there is not the same.

 

 

Time goes so slow

 

Tom

[Tom amoss]

4 times she has called today, all querys about work, the last time was just to say how things went, more chatty than anything. Pisses me off really as it's like "look at me i'm OK getting on with life just fine"

WELL I'M NOT

[Tom amoss]

just paniced that I have no life, theres nothing I want to do, I'm just turning into a sad nonactive man.

Errrrrrrr

Its seem so sad that you end up looking around for things to do, dance classes, art classes etc, WHAT AM I DOING, why would i want to do that!

 

And if i did do anything, who do you share that with, who when you come home will care!!!!!!!!!!!!

[aMguilts]

just paniced that I have no life, theres nothing I want to do, I'm just turning into a sad nonactive man.

Errrrrrrr

Its seem so sad that you end up looking around for things to do, dance classes, art classes etc, WHAT AM I DOING, why would i want to do that!

 

And if i did do anything, who do you share that with, who when you come home will care!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

hi Tom

 

sorry you are going through what you are.

 

Have you started taking the anti dep`s.??

 

aM

[Tom amoss]

Hi aMguilts

 

yes about 5 days now, but they wont kick in for about 3-4 weeks

i hope they help

 

Thanks

 

Tom

[2.50 a gallon]

From what I have read of your situation, I am beginning to suspect that she is having a mid life crisis type thing. You might Google it to see if any of the symptoms match.

 

A lyric from "Sweet Caroline": "And when I hurt, hurtin runs off my shoulder, how can I hurt while holding you"

 

Boy was I there! And then to have her become my enemy and the source of my biggest hurt, and not having her there to hold or talk to totally messed up my life.

 

At first my mind was totally obsessed with her, she was all that I could think about.

 

That is until I got back into my hobbies, and gourmet cooking. The idea was that every second that I distracted my brain away from her was a victory. The goal was to turn those second into minutes, then hours and days.

 

I had always wanted to try raising tropical fish, and with the breakup and the beginning of my new life, I saw my chance and gave it shot. The once I chose were rare and hard to take care off. Meaning that it took time to keep the water conditions right, and to get them to spawn, it took time to collect the fry, it took time to raise the cultures that provided food for the fry.

 

The same thing with the gourmet cooking, it took time and concentration, and I was rewarded with a great meal. Which in turn encouraged me to try another recipe.

 

It didn't happen right away, but it seemed like the more time I spent on my hobbies, the quicker the seconds turned into minutes and hours.

 

I see that you have mentioned music more than one time, go there to begin with, and search that little boys heart that still lives inside of you for something that maybe he wanted to do but never got a chance to try. Like model trains, RC cars, airplanes, boats, snakes, kite flying, making your own candy bar.

 

Why not buy that little boy a popsicle or an ice cream cone see what he wants to try

 

Anything you can do to get you mind off of your situation is a victory

[Tom amoss]

Thanks 2.50 a gallon

Yes I have been trying. May be I will get somewhere soon, with ideas.

 

 

Its really dawning on me that this is for real, she has garn.

It hurts tonight

 

Tom

[aMguilts]

Hi aMguilts

 

yes about 5 days now, but they wont kick in for about 3-4 weeks

i hope they help

 

Thanks

 

Tom

 

hey tom

 

they will help, they will help you a lot.

you should start feeling the benefits soon, it wont be as long as 3-4 weeks:)

just remember they aren`t a cure all, unfortunately there will still be down days, but because of the anti deps they wont be as bad as not being on them.

 

keep yourself as busy as possible to take your mind of things

 

best wishes

 

aM

[notbroken]

Tom,

 

Sorry for what you are going through. Been there (26 years, similar situation).

 

Feeling down and all the thoughts you are having are normal. The sooner you embrace your pain the sooner you can move on. The most important thing right now is YOU. Be good to yourself. Join a gym and go. Seriously - just go. 3 days a week. Walk, run, lift weights, anything. Rediscover music. Listen alot. Read alot - and not just about divorce. Stay away from drugs (not the antidepresants) and the bottle - though an occassional Friday or Saturday night out may be ok. A DUI right now won't help you so be very careful of that.

 

The woman you were in love with is gone. She is not the same and never will be again. As hard as that is to accept, the sooner you can the better you will be. She is either in the midst of a serious mid life crisis, cheating, or both - but it is all irrelevant honestly. Fact is, she doesn't want to be married. It takes two to be married and even if you got back together it is hard to undo the last several months (most likely impossible).

 

Journaling is a great idea. Keep contact with your wife to an absolute minimum. Ask yourself what will happen if you don't send that email, don't call, etc. Most likely nothing - don't send it unless absolutely necessary. NO CONTACT = good.

 

I personally would work very hard to get away from your business relationship - however you need to do that. It seems too painful to continue.

 

What you are going through right now has been referred to as 'crazy time'. You have been shellshocked and are probably not thinking clearly. Don't get paralyzed but avoid making any major life decisions either (new house, new car, etc). Don't date seriously if at all until after you are officially divorced.

 

Divorce asap. Staying separated any longer than necessary just delays your recovery. The sooner the better. Don't argue over petty things but don't fold either. Get a fair settlement for all concerned. It can be harder to work things out as the anger stage settles in for both parties. Draft a proposed settlement that you think is fair and see if she will agree to the basic terms then have a lawyer draw it up. Explain you want what is fair for everyone, you'd like to avoid spending both your money on attorneys more than necessary, but you definitely want what is fair for you (and her).

 

Don't do anything to harm yourself. You will work through this and find happiness again. You will. Either find a good friend that you can literally call 24/7 or get someone you can (PM me if you don't know anyone and I'll volunteer).

 

Don't blame yourself. Things are hard enough on you without you being even harder. Spend some time reflecting on the causes, accept your part, know her part, forgive yourself and move on. Forgive her when you are ready (not for her, but for you).

 

You'll get through this. Brighter days ARE ahead. In fact, you will most likely wake up one day feeling happier than you have in many years. Seems impossible now, but you will.

[Tom amoss]

Thanks you notbroken.

 

There is quite a lot there and I will reread it in the morning, I am so verytired from lack of sleep.

 

But just wanted to say that I really appreciate your offer of help.

 

I am very lucky in that I have my Mum & Dad sister, brother, and somegood friends. and what has amazed me is how fantastic my neighbours havebeen.24/7 help.

 

The hardest part is the continued contact, I would like stop all contact,but quitting the business, and trying to get a job in my state would beimposable.

 

I have to use it, it may not be there in 6 months – 1 year as she will moveon, and quit her self. I think she is in the same boat as well.

 

 

 

Good night.

[Tom amoss]

Ohhhhhhhh

 

i dont have the strengh to do this.

May be its the pills but this mornng is the worst I have been

what am i going to do?

how much mental effect am i meant to give to this, i have non left

 

HELP

 

Tom

[Tom amoss]

a little better now, HOW MUCH LOWER CAN I GET!

The mornings are so hard, I wish I could sleep better.

Sleeping Pills dont work that well.

 

When you are really low, was there anything that helped anyone, a thought, running, finding some one.

I call my sister, Mum & dad, etc, but it doesn't help, i just have to go through it.

I really want to Man Up on this, but my love for her just gets in the way.

She walked out on me, i should be mad, but instead i'm sick.

 

What The!

 

Tom

[GorillaTheater]

The anger will come, sooner or later, so you'll want to be ready for that phase as well. You'll probably also find yourself stepping in and out of various stages of confusion, anger, and sadness as you heal.

 

Are you exercising and working out? So many benefits as far as sleeping, energy levels, and just feelings of well-being. Can't hardly emphasize that enough.

 

Gunny has made recommendations befotre on natural sleep aids, but I can't remember what he said. Hopefully he'll be back soon to give you some advice on that.

 

And NotBroken's post was excellent. I'd reread that one again and again.

[pcplod]

Thanks TailSpin75

I'm hoping the Anti Depressants with help. I know so many advise not to take them, but if I don’t I will lose my business , and I won’t get another in the state I’m in.

 

Hello Tom

 

I apologise for butting in but feel compelled. About the anti-depressants.

 

Anti-depressants can help. I take them and I know they help me, even though, for a variety of reasons I would like to stop taking them. Personally, I don't believe that they "make you dead to the world" or "like a zombie". Far from it. I mean, do you feel detached right now? I'll bet you don't. And I am willing to bet you won't. There's a good chance they will bugger your libido and even cause ED but I'm guessing that is the least of your worries right now.

 

What is worse for you right now? Depression or anxiety? Both often go hand-in-hand, but which do you feel has the upper-hand, is controlling you more at the moment? Do you find it almost impossible to sleep? Are you constantly aware of blood pounding around your system. Do you feel as if your head could explode any moment, the tension within you is so high?

 

The problem is that anti-depressants are good at treating depression; it is a matter, usually through nothing more than trial-and-error, over both type and dosage, to get something that works for you. And what you are looking for is a balance between over-dosage and under-dosage with the objective of re-creating a baseline psychologically for you that enables you to function and give you time to seek other possibilities, nothing more.

 

I take a SNRI, not an SSRI, called venlafaxine. It is an AD but I take it for acute anxiety. It was the 6th different drug (or more) that I was prescribed between a family physician and a psychiatrist. I am convinced that general physicians are not equipped to prescribe psycho-pharmaceuticals and I had a very good one who tried to draw on his own personal experiences as well as his professional ones. Although they seem to prescribe them like sweets these days, they simply don't have the time nor the infrastructure to adequately monitor and evaluate what works and what does not.

 

Above all, what you need is time, time to see some possibilities and opportunities beyond the catastrophe (see catastrophic thinking), to entertain things that you would not have had the opportunity to entertain otherwise and that you understandably cannot envisage right now.

 

Exercise, friends, volunteering, meditation, mindfulness, music, yoga, pilates, these are all things worth considering in order to augment and replace your use of drugs right now. I am sure you and others will be able to suggest other things. Some find it in religion, however, it is not for me.

 

PS. About sleeping pills. From experience. They have a very short half-life ie before the beneficial effect starts wearing off. Maybe 3, 4 hours. So you take them to get to sleep, but you wake up in the early hours and are no further forward. Worse than that, you work up a physiological resistance to them very quickly, a few days at best. In both those respects, they work very much like alcohol. This is something that is universally recognised and accepted by the medical fraternity. Yet some will readily prescribe them if asked, others will resist it.

Edited April 17, 2013 by pcplod

[aMguilts]

a little better now, HOW MUCH LOWER CAN I GET!

The mornings are so hard, I wish I could sleep better.

Sleeping Pills dont work that well.

 

When you are really low, was there anything that helped anyone, a thought, running, finding some one.

I call my sister, Mum & dad, etc, but it doesn't help, i just have to go through it.

I really want to Man Up on this, but my love for her just gets in the way.

She walked out on me, i should be mad, but instead i'm sick.

 

What The!

 

Tom

 

it` s the grieving stage your in, don`t worry, the anger staage will come sooner or later

 

aM

[Tom amoss]

I can’t thank you all enough for your posts.

 

The AD's are really messing with my emotions at the moment, after an hour of taking it my stress levels go through the roof, but I am told to keep going,its only 6ish days.

 

Whenever I think on it, I get so panicky, my blood rushes like hot liquid,but it passes.

 

I'm trying to run, but the AD make me sleepy, work is so hard at the moment.

 

I'm trying to think about me more, trying to be kind to myself, even love myself.

 

The future still looks bleak, but I have looked to see what yoga/dance/running clubs are about.

 

Once the AD have taken effect, I will go for it.

 

What a thing this is, heck would not wish this on anyone.

 

also trying not to get worked up over what happened,

 

THERE NOTHING I COULD ABOUT IT ANYWAY.

 

Thanks

Tom

[Shocked Suzie]

a little better now, HOW MUCH LOWER CAN I GET!

The mornings are so hard, I wish I could sleep better.

Sleeping Pills dont work that well.

 

When you are really low, was there anything that helped anyone, a thought, running, finding some one.

I call my sister, Mum & dad, etc, but it doesn't help, i just have to go through it.

I really want to Man Up on this, but my love for her just gets in the way.

She walked out on me, i should be mad, but instead i'm sick.

 

What The!

 

Tom

 

 

 

Tom it does get better, I'm 3 months in and really starting to feel myself again, I can laugh and feel glimmers of hope and light ahead. I found a early morning power walk the best thing ever, on the odd days I didn't go my mental health slipped. Not sure if its possible but keep contact email only as you have to speak due to work..... Seriously I and others fully understand, but it will get better!!!

 

 

Sending positive thoughts your way, hang in there! X

[Shocked Suzie]

I can’t thank you all enough for your posts.

 

The AD's are really messing with my emotions at the moment, after an hour of taking it my stress levels go through the roof, but I am told to keep going,its only 6ish days.

 

Whenever I think on it, I get so panicky, my blood rushes like hot liquid,but it passes.

 

I'm trying to run, but the AD make me sleepy, work is so hard at the moment.

 

I'm trying to think about me more, trying to be kind to myself, even love myself.

 

The future still looks bleak, but I have looked to see what yoga/dance/running clubs are about.

 

Once the AD have taken effect, I will go for it.

 

What a thing this is, heck would not wish this on anyone.

 

also trying not to get worked up over what happened,

 

THERE NOTHING I COULD ABOUT IT ANYWAY.

 

Thanks

Tom

 

I had full on tiredness in the first two n half months it was unreal, seriously a simple brisk morning walk or exercise really helps... Most of my early on stage walks I used to do in tears! ....but I knew it helped my mood for the rest of the day

[Tom amoss]

Thanks Shocked Suzie

 

 

 

I look forward to it getting better.

 

7 weeks today.

 

I hate seeing girls with similar hair styles to her, sends me into that panic feeling.

 

Or seeing other couples, even going shopping sends me into a spin.

 

Or even seeing other cars that she drives.

 

 

 

I have to have faith in what you have all said and IT WILL GET BETTER.

 

What I hate is that she seems to be getting out a lot,seemingly enjoying her self,

 

Throwing her self into work, and meeting our shared friends,

 

while I live minute to minute in agony.

 

Still one day I will I hope.

 

 

Tom

Edited April 19, 2013 by Tom amoss

[TailSpin75]

Hi Tom,

 

You had mentioned earlier today - that your "blood rushes, like hot liquid" when you think of 'it' and stated, "but it passes". Do your best to remember that when feeling the panic - I was pleased to read that you acknowledged that it does pass.

 

Even for myself - there are times when I cannot 'take it out' to look at it without it causing me to having feelings of panic. But as time goes on - it gets easier (not easy - but easier) to know when I can and cannot think about things. For the first 2 months - I could not stop thinking about it - and it is exhausting, but it does not stay that way.

 

Another thing I encourage you to keep in mind - you are grieving (an incredibly painful process of a tremendous loss you are suffering). The grieving process is not linear, we do not move from one stage to the next until we have completed all the stages. The shock and disbelief is part of the denial stage - and trust me that this is actually a positive thing. It's the minds way of protecting itself from absorbing too much too quickly. As the mind contemplates what happened, is happening, and will happen - that stunned feeling aids us in moving through it in more manageable doses.

 

It is absolutely possible to be in more than one stage at a time. As I continue my way through the grieving process - I often find myself feeling ambivalent - a mix of sadness and anger.

 

I suspect that this loss for me will always be a sad thing when I look at it. But it does amaze me how differently this situation of mine looks and feels now compared to the first 6 - 8 weeks. I continue to feel your pain brother but have no doubt that you are on the right track. You will know when you're ready to start implementing more of the active healing process (and I believe you're closer than you think) - but in the mean time, passive healing - letting time pass will bring you there.

[Tom amoss]

TailSpin75

 

Your post made me cry, in fact I still am.

 

Thank you. Your words are so encouraging.

 

Thank you so much.

 

I’m so glad you recognise the hot blood thing, at least I’m normal in that.

 

I had a better morning and did some work, but this afternoonis a lot harder.

 

Its her birthday in a few days time, not to sure if I should get a card or what?

 

Staying with mum & dad for the weekend helps a bit

 

Thanks again

 

Tom

[TailSpin75]

Tom - my advice is no card. I look at it like this - the more ties that bind 'her and I' - the more pain and suffering I experience. In the past 4.5 months many of those ties have been severed or have withered - but there are so many that it takes such a long time.

 

My advice is to not get a card - you'll likely have some subconscious expectations that will make you feel like crap when unfulfilled... a lesson I learned at Christmas.

 

When I take 'action' or 'do' something related to her I do my best to let logic drive me and not the emotions. It is tough. I had to send her a simple text last night about the kids and it took me a good half hour to finally 'figure out' what I wanted to say. Had I sent it on impulse (emotionally driven no doubt) the text would not have been as brief, cordial, and on point.

 

I hope there is some light in your weekend brother!