24 years marriage - ended

[Tom amoss]

Hi tailSpin75

No card!,i was going to just do a "From Tom"

but I know what you mean.

 

In the scale of things ,today has been good, i hope thats not a sign that tomorrow will be bad.

but thats tomorrow worry.

 

Been reading about starting to love your self again stuf. Mine you its one thing to read and another to do it. but I am making a start.

 

Thanks

 

Tom

[MsOptimist]

I'm glad you've had a good day, Tom! That doesn't mean that tomorrow will be a bad day - like you said, don't worry about what tomorrow brings. Try to go into tomorrow with a positive attitude.

 

One of the things I've been working on since all of this divorce mess happened is to not worry about things I cannot control. Things may happen that we do not like, but we can control how we react. If it's something that I cannot change, I just try to make peace with that and recognize how I'm feeling about the situation.

 

I, too, am learning to love myself again and put myself first. As with all of these steps, some days are easier than others. Make a point to consciously be kind to yourself - you deserve it!

[TailSpin75]

Tom - I'm also happy to hear of a 'good' day today for you! Trust that there will be more of them buddy.

 

It's tough not to worry about tomorrow, yourself, or anything in your life right now really - I do understand that. It's easy to tell ourselves not to worry about these things but it's so hard not to. What I've done (in part by effort and in part by sheer survival instinct) - is to tune your inner voice; balance that 'worry' (which leads to fear and panic) - with your inner voice of reason - tell yourself that you will be okay (and listen to that voice). Emotional storms are very difficult and very painful to ride out and as you know they will continue to come. As they are inevitable (as unwanted as they are) - you can learn so much Tom about yourself and what you are capable of.

 

I too devoured 'self-help' books and you hit the nail on the head reading and understand are different than application of the new knowledge. Go easy on yourself though - any change about ourselves takes both time and persistence. This is a long 'journey' but it truly does get easier as time goes on. I've posted on here before that recovering from something like what we (and so many others) have had happened to us - is truly an amazing human experience. Like you said before - I would never wish this on anyone but for me... I have become a student of suffering, relationships, and life. There are lessons along this path that I am confident I would have never had an opportunity to learn.

 

I am proud of you Tom for how you are handling this (I truly mean that). I (and so many others here) know how unbelievably agonizing and difficult this is. Continue to stay strong Tom.

[Still kicking]

Hi Tom, hang in there buddy. 22 years of marriage, she pulled out, three kids, 11, 16, and 20. I'm 51 years old. Boy let me just say, it's been 8months, divorce is final. I'm better, but for months I lived in pain. Any moment my mind was occupied with something else, the divorce was all I could think about. I'm 51 I don't want to date and stuff. 2 months into it I realized that another woman would not fix this, so i pulled the dating ads and such and just kept to myself, it was hard but after 6 months i realized that i would and could live thru this, oh did i mention i wanted to kill myself everyday at first, yeah, there was that, the love i have for my daughters wouldn't allow me to go thru with it and I'm glad cuz it's starting to get better, I have a Greg little place, exercising, and I'm noticing now that I'm getting on with my life and exercising suddenly other woman appear to be noticing me more, this summer I'm buying a motorcycle, I'm excited about the pain completely being gone but the way it all went down left me a little bitter, that too is fading. So Tom, if I can live thru the hell of the last year, you too will survive this.

[Tom amoss]

Hi Still kicking

Thanks, I hope I get through this, but today has been a day of churning in all over again, and feeling really NOT GOOD. But just cant help my self.

I feel so sad and cant workout what really went wrong.

 

Not that it makes any differance now.

 

I wish these AD would kick in!

 

NOT A GOOD DAY AT ALL

 

Helped my Dad put up greenhouse, but my mind was so far way.

I miss her.

 

Tom

[Still kicking]

Hey Tom, I missed her for a long while, but worse I have 3 beautiful daughters that I was actively involved in raising, I rationalized that in the end i would have there love, wit, no somebody told me, dont worry your kids will always love you, and its true, they do even after divorce. You know my wife relocated ahead of our family by 2 months to another city for her career, it's always been about that, when the family was back together it was to late cuz she found another, she would never admit it of course but she never ever adimitted guilt or fault ever about anything so. Deep down when I think about my family life I realize if I'm honest she never really made me happy, and I loved her as much as a person loves another that they've been with longer than the birth mother lol. But still, somedays, I just want her, than I see her or talk to her and I realize I can live without this woman. btw, don't think I mentioned to you before but this is my second marriage TO HER, lol, crazy huh. Well after I pulled the plug the first time, I couldn't make it without my family, met another girl, wasn't nearly ready to be in that relationship so I walked after a year, ex wife was jealous of her, kept my kids away, etc. first son of trouble with the other woman who was also jealous of the ex, ad I hitailed back and here we were 2 years later marrying again. She stroked my neck like when we first met, the sex was great, she dressed up for me, scented the bed sheets with exotic oils and all that, I was like woah how could I have left this woman. Within 6 months she was back to her cold and selfish ways, I rationalized that I was here for the kids this time, stayed 7 more unloving years and focused on my daughters. After hearing us argue I realized I was doing more harm than good being with Married to her.

 

By now I realized she had someone, so I left. My daughters and I are rebuilding or relationships daily. My youngest is chilling in my loft as I type this. Life is good. Not perfect, but rebuilding is a process. My confidence grows everyday, do I miss her? sure, will I get over her? sure, will it be today? Probably not but I'm loving myself more each day and I refuse to continue making the same mistake over and over. Cheers mate. It's time to man-up a little and accept the reality of our situation.

[Tom amoss]

Thanks Still licking

 

Your absolutely right I do need to Man up

 

But these dammed emotions, or is the AD's I don’t know, just drop me dead.

 

I took a pill at 10:00 pm before bed, woke up feeling really bad, it stayed with me until 7:30 pm, thats 21 hours, i feel a bit upbeat at the moment.

 

but need the next AD at 10:10 again. A 3 hour ish break!

 

But taking it at night is a new thing from last night, which the doctor recommended.

 

My wife also put work before anything else, staying away in the week, or working late, very early mornings.

 

When she was home, it was more work for our business. Not the best really

 

So many things happed, and in the end insecurities set in, and I just lost my self, just waiting for her to come home, and not getting on with my life. I see it now, but not at the time, such regrets.

 

But now I have no choose, I need to find a new life, and THAT IS WHAT I WILL DO.

 

Doesn't fill me with a lot of joy, loneliness is a real killer.

 

The though of being on my own is awful.

 

I will in time think about a new relationship, but how you meet anyone is a mystery,online dating looks so depressing, and not to sure how it works. It looks very soul destroying.

 

Anyway bad day today, a good one tomorrow I hope

 

Thanks

 

Tom

Edited April 20, 2013 by Tom amoss

[Still kicking]

Day by day Tom, and yes the loneliness part is hard we just gotta work thru it. I want her back sometimes I think that's normal, ADs I don't do, but AD or no I feel like crap when I think of how it all went down. So I say that to say it feels like crap and that's a fact but less and less everyday, and now that I've found this support group, I'm gonna be ok and so are you.

[Shocked Suzie]

Thanks Shocked Suzie

 

 

 

I look forward to it getting better.

 

7 weeks today.

 

I hate seeing girls with similar hair styles to her, sends me into that panic feeling.

 

Or seeing other couples, even going shopping sends me into a spin.

 

 

or even seeing other cars that she drives

 

 

 

I have to have faith in what you have all said and IT WILL GET BETTER.

 

What I hate is that she seems to be getting out a lot,seemingly enjoying her self,

 

Throwing her self into work, and meeting our shared friends,

 

while I live minute to minute in agony.

 

 

Still one day I will I hope.

 

 

Tom

 

 

First there is the shock-panic then the numbness sets in....running through the recent events, looking at the past few months, looking at your whole relationship...the constant questions and questioning-the self doubt, blaming yourself for their actions and the situation... It's a full on Nightmare!

 

seeing other couples happy, avoiding places you've been together.... I even found it really hard doing a grocery shop! Shopping for 3 not 4, not picking up the stuff that he liked....my 'our' lives have changed, dreams, wants and wishes pulled from underneath your feet....it's so unfair!

 

Once things slowly start to settle and sink in you will begin to calm down, you also start to see things how they are....who they have become! You start to see that you really wouldn't want that person in your life anymore any way. After a lot of 'soul searching and time' I have now stopped being the victim, I've already gained positives from my situation and will continue to do so throughout the rebuild of ME. I have come to terms that mine and my kids lives are going to change in many ways over the next few months, most of the time I feel excited at the challenge...it's my journey now. As long as I have the love and respect from my kids and I'm moving in the right direction I will be content with this. From this I've realized that the most simple things in life are really what's important and enjoy moments I would have previously not noticed, I've bonded more with my children, I'm in control of my own finance, we have our health, we laugh and have set simple goals and aims

 

I feel lucky, I feel blessed and I'm feeling content.....3 months ago my life felt like it had ended....I takes time but it does get better, when your panic/shock/numbness lessens try to look at the positive that you have

already achieved on you path so far, because there will be some you are just too stressed to see them right now.

 

Take each day as it comes, small steps...allow yourself to grieve! Take each knock as it comes...it helps you get stronger

 

You will get there

Edited April 21, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[Tom amoss]

Thanks so much Shocked Suzie,

all you said is the same for me, I hate going to buy food,every thing I do has no meaning at all, I just mowed the grass, and cried doing that.

 

I though today was starting out fairly well, drove home from mum & dads and walked through the door, and felt ill.

 

I do hope I get a balance in all this soon, mean while I will just have to bare it.

 

I'm so so tempted to call her. I just want to talk with her, “PLEASE reconsider,can’t you please come back, and we work on it.”

 

But that would not work. I have tried that and it’s always a no.

 

I just can't understand why she's so different now, when it seemed so good just before she left.

 

How blind was I.

 

It’s a major loss for me, and it seems from here, to much to handle.

 

Hope, what I need is some HOPE.

 

I know you have all given me hope, in your posts, and I can't tell you how grateful I am, so so very grateful.

 

But getting that hope to sink in is hard.

 

From here I can't imagine a life at all without her.

 

I feel like a child, here I am in my late 40's and trying to man up.

 

24 years, I mean, who does that to a person!

 

It’s Sunday afternoon and what do I do now?

I need to go for a run. I will have to force my self.

 

Thanks for all your input; I look forward to your post all the time, coming to rely on it. Even if you repeat the same stuff, someday I will surly say, HA yes they were right.

 

Tom

[TailSpin75]

Hi Tom - what your describing is all part of the process. I know it does not alleviate the suffering you're experiencing but know that it's not you - your thoughts, wants, and reactions seem to be the norm when dealing with this sort of adversity.

 

I totally get what you say about feeling like a child (I've posted that to my thread before) - and still there are times when I want to bury my head in the sand (today being one of them for me). I also understand that battle you eluded to between what you want to do so desperately and what your mind (or experience) tells you not to do. Where your mind knows what's happening - it's something that you may not ever truly understand - and I know that doesn't stop the burning questions. The questions still come to my mind but most of the time they do not come with the same gravity as they did in the past.

 

Keeping 'doing' for yourself Tom rather than secluding yourself from everyone. I often wrote in my journal how there was no motivation to do anything and I wondered if there ever would be. That time does come my friend - but it's slow. The things you force yourself to do now - that you can actually do - will get easier to do and require less effort with time.

 

You're in a place right where things won't make sense - it's just not possible. You're suffering an emotional concussion from a bomb that was dropped in your life. It's understandable that you cannot answer the infinite number of 'why' question - be aware of that when you ask yourself why you can't.

 

For me... my STBX is not the woman in my mind's eye. It still doesn't make sense to me either - but I get it - she is not the one. I miss so much the woman I thought she was but not the woman she clearly is now. I'll never know why that transformation happened - what triggered it - or how the 'right choice for her' could be one that nearly destroyed me. But I do know enough to know that this... 'situation' is a reflection of her behavior, choices, and action. Her inability or outright refusal to 'talk' led us to be at completely different places when the marriage was declared dead - where it was the breath of life for me at that moment - it meant nothing to her. I know I did my part in the marriage (not perfect but who is... right?) but I know I did a lot better than most.

 

This ending is still not my preference Tom - and I cannot tell you how much I miss her (the one in my mind's eye) - but with this time apart - I can see the real her better now. I grieve the loss - but I also know that things can't be undone. Time does provide a different (and I believe more accurate) perspective on the situation.

[Tom amoss]

Thanks again TailSpin75

I really wish I could meet up with you and others here.

But I’m in the UK and god knows where you all are.

 

In the end I got her a small card and just put Tom X on it.

I could have added a whole load more, but to me that was small enough not to mean anything.

In fact I send it with no attachment at all. (Sorry if thats a fail)

 

Thanks for your comments on the WHY question.

I realise I’m still in denial about it all, in that I still think she will change her mind at some point.

Because it was so out of the blue, how can she be so certain?

But she acts so certain; I must be a fool to think this way.

 

I don’t know. I really don’t.

 

But if I hang on for her, I will never move on. And of cause she may be more than happy where she is, I really have to believe the last word she said. And that it’s over.

You know if only I could fall in love with someone else, right now, channel all that energy into someone else.

 

Of cause that should be me. Fall in love with me, channel all that energy into me, but I need to be with someone. I’m so lonely.

Errrr.

i realise that I keep posting the same old things time and time again, but this is how my mind is. SORRY,

 

I hope tomorrow is a good day,

 

See you all tomorrow

 

Tom

Edited April 21, 2013 by Tom amoss

[TailSpin75]

Hi Tom - do not consider the card a fail. It's amazing to me the things I was advised to 'steer away' from. And when I heard those things - I fully agreed at the time, but when the moment came - I did what I wanted to do... what I felt I 'needed' to do.

 

There were a lot of lessons from my actions that I've been reflecting on in the past couple of months. I never considered that learning the hard way - there are two paths and unfortunately neither of them is an easy path. I've resolved that we either do what we feel we must (a no regrets sort of approach) and get burned - or we abandon everything (which I could never have done at the time) and spend time wondering what if...

 

I think the important thing to remember is that there is a line - if not yours then hers. Do not cross that line and say... become a stalker (for example). But when we reach out an get burned -then do it again, and again, and again - we learn to stop reaching into the fire.

[Shocked Suzie]

Hi Tom - what your describing is all part of the process. I know it does not alleviate the suffering you're experiencing but know that it's not you - your thoughts, wants, and reactions seem to be the norm when dealing with this sort of adversity.

 

I totally get what you say about feeling like a child (I've posted that to my thread before) - and still there are times when I want to bury my head in the sand (today being one of them for me). I also understand that battle you eluded to between what you want to do so desperately and what your mind (or experience) tells you not to do. Where your mind knows what's happening - it's something that you may not ever truly understand - and I know that doesn't stop the burning questions. The questions still come to my mind but most of the time they do not come with the same gravity as they did in the past.

 

Keeping 'doing' for yourself Tom rather than secluding yourself from everyone. I often wrote in my journal how there was no motivation to do anything and I wondered if there ever would be. That time does come my friend - but it's slow. The things you force yourself to do now - that you can actually do - will get easier to do and require less effort with time.

 

You're in a place right where things won't make sense - it's just not possible. You're suffering an emotional concussion from a bomb that was dropped in your life. It's understandable that you cannot answer the infinite number of 'why' question - be aware of that when you ask yourself why you can't.

 

For me... my STBX is not the woman in my mind's eye. It still doesn't make sense to me either - but I get it - she is not the one. I miss so much the woman I thought she was but not the woman she clearly is now. I'll never know why that transformation happened - what triggered it - or how the 'right choice for her' could be one that nearly destroyed me. But I do know enough to know that this... 'situation' is a reflection of her behavior, choices, and action. Her inability or outright refusal to 'talk' led us to be at completely different places when the marriage was declared dead - where it was the breath of life for me at that moment - it meant nothing to her. I know I did my part in the marriage (not perfect but who is... right?) but I know I did a lot better than most.

 

This ending is still not my preference Tom - and I cannot tell you how much I miss her (the one in my mind's eye) - but with this time apart - I can see the real her better now. I grieve the loss - but I also know that things can't be undone. Time does provide a different (and I believe more accurate) perspective on the situation.

 

this is so true TS and perfectly written

 

....Tom after some time you will stop beating yourself up every moment wondering why, how and if....don't get me wrong you still have those thoughts but they aren't as frequent or as painful as those first awful few weeks. You begin to see that the path you haven't and would not have chosen can be ok and can be in some ways a better place...YOUR place, We have no choice but to make it work....and it will in time

[Shocked Suzie]

Thanks again TailSpin75

I really wish I could meet up with you and others here.

But I’m in the UK and god knows where you all are.

 

In the end I got her a small card and just put Tom X on it.

I could have added a whole load more, but to me that was small enough not to mean anything.

In fact I send it with no attachment at all. (Sorry if thats a fail)

 

Thanks for your comments on the WHY question.

I realise I’m still in denial about it all, in that I still think she will change her mind at some point.

Because it was so out of the blue, how can she be so certain?

But she acts so certain; I must be a fool to think this way.

 

I don’t know. I really don’t.

 

But if I hang on for her, I will never move on. And of cause she may be more than happy where she is, I really have to believe the last word she said. And that it’s over.

You know if only I could fall in love with someone else, right now, channel all that energy into someone else.

 

Of cause that should be me. Fall in love with me, channel all that energy into me, but I need to be with someone. I’m so lonely.

Errrr.

i realise that I keep posting the same old things time and time again, but this is how my mind is. SORRY,

 

I hope tomorrow is a good day,

 

See you all tomorrow

 

Tom

 

Its fine and ok to let it out, what you need to understand (this one took me ages) is that for her this decision has been going through her head for ages, she has done a lot of her grieving before you had any idea.

 

i thought the same, we was happily married...last year was our first year in 16 years that things were slightly strained, no major issues but a bit flat...for 4 months of that year he was having an affair...my questions were, how can he walk away from his family...why is this woman and her children more important to his own family...how can he be so sure of his relationship with this woman he hardly knows... why has he left me for her, our history together ....our kids .....its natural to ask these questions and you know what we will never know the answer, what my Ex has done is something i would never have done myself or thought possible he would do to us...But sadly he has, he seems so detached and sure of what he is doing, he has had months ahead of me n the kids to get his head around this.

 

i often think that btw wouldn't it be cool to meet these guys, everyone is so supportive I'm from the UK now in AU, many on here seem to from the US n UK i think. Also i felt real loneliness in the early weeks and would have quite easily tried to find a rebound relationship too....but now i feel quite settled and know when i do start dating i will have a clear head and know what i want out of a relationship

Edited April 21, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[MsOptimist]

The support just from sharing stories here is truly great - I appreciate all of you!

 

I, too, had trouble getting through the every day things, like grocery shopping, without crying or thinking of the exH at every single turn. Whether it be not having an appetite at all and wandering around the store aimlessly or "he likes cheese, I don't want any cheese." I still won't buy his favorite cookies because it's too much of a reminder.

 

I don't think the card was a mistake. I wished my exH a happy birthday on his birthday as well (via email) - you're human and you care. Showing that is not a mistake.

 

In the beginning I would tell myself every day (heck, I still do) things like, "you WILL be ok. This is for the best." Honestly in the beginning I didn't really believe it, but with time I started to believe the things I was saying. I advise you to do the same. To this day I still have post-it notes stuck on my bathroom mirror reminding me of things - for example, that I don't need external validation.

[aMguilts]

listen please???.. and please listen

 

 

you are accounting way too much on being on your antidepressants

 

whether you think they are going to sort your problems out or not i don`t know

you still need to work on yourself while on them

 

antidepressants or NOT the solution or indeed the `cure`

 

they are there to help you get through whatever it is

 

listen to me

i can see the ad`s are taken effect aready , by your posts

and you are already posting more posistivly than you have ever done

they make you feel tired?

lack of energy?

 

but you still feel down??

 

you are feeling the effects already

its not an instant `hit` like you would feel, like taking an aspirin for a headache

it will take longer

you know the best thing you can do?

is be patient

 

 

aM

Edited April 22, 2013 by aMguilts

[Shocked Suzie]

The support just from sharing stories here is truly great - I appreciate all of you!

 

I, too, had trouble getting through the every day things, like grocery shopping, without crying or thinking of the exH at every single turn. Whether it be not having an appetite at all and wandering around the store aimlessly or "he likes cheese, I don't want any cheese." I still won't buy his favorite cookies because it's too much of a reminder.

 

I don't think the card was a mistake. I wished my exH a happy birthday on his birthday as well (via email) - you're human and you care. Showing that is not a mistake.

 

In the beginning I would tell myself every day (heck, I still do) things like, "you WILL be ok. This is for the best." Honestly in the beginning I didn't really believe it, but with time I started to believe the things I was saying. I advise you to do the same. To this day I still have post-it notes stuck on my bathroom mirror reminding me of things - for example, that I don't need external validation.

 

I remember my first trip to the shops, I must have looked like a zombie ....i walked around in a numb daze! once I also drove up the wrong side of the road and many times been driving and realized im going to the wrong place glad to say im safer on the road now days lol

 

I think the card was ok too, it shows you have a heart

 

positive talk and thoughts does help even on the hardest days

[Tom amoss]

Yes be patient.

 

I need to lean that. This whole process has been one of utter panic!

 

Leaning to cope or not cope with my emotions, fear, and loneliness

 

And today has been good and bad in equal measure.

 

BUT today I did enroled in a yoga class this Wednesday evening.

 

That’s my first step in doing something different.

 

I have even done a little bit of work.

 

This weekend I am staying at home, so that will be another challenge.

 

Today has been a day of fear, fear of what my future wil lbe.

 

I find people difficult, I’m not good at socialising, and having a ex wife who was good at that meant I didn’t have to worry much about it, so doing anything with people is a major step for me. Well new people really, I’m ok with friends.

 

It’s down to self confidence which at the moment I lack in a major way.

 

 

Tom

[MsOptimist]

Yes be patient.

 

I need to lean that. This whole process has been one of utter panic!

 

Leaning to cope or not cope with my emotions, fear, and loneliness

 

And today has been good and bad in equal measure.

 

BUT today I did enroled in a yoga class this Wednesday evening.

 

That’s my first step in doing something different.

 

I have even done a little bit of work.

 

This weekend I am staying at home, so that will be another challenge.

 

Today has been a day of fear, fear of what my future wil lbe.

 

I find people difficult, I’m not good at socialising, and having a ex wife who was good at that meant I didn’t have to worry much about it, so doing anything with people is a major step for me. Well new people really, I’m ok with friends.

 

It’s down to self confidence which at the moment I lack in a major way.

 

 

Tom

 

Great idea about the yoga class! Physical exercise helps, and it's a great to calm your mind. Stepping out of the comfort zone is what this is all about.

 

It will be a way to meet new people if you're up for that - but don't go in thinking you have to be super social. Yoga is a very personal practice and it's perfectly normal to be focused on yourself. If you're feeling chatty before or after class, it's a great opportunity to make new friends. I've joined so many new running groups in the last several months and am making great new friends - it can be fun if you don't take yourself too seriously. And you'll get better at socializing the more that you do it.

 

I wish I could tell you that learning to cope with the fear of the future and fear of loneliness goes away, but even months out I still have days where I think about that often. As with everything else in the process, those times seem to be more fleeting as time goes on and you'll learn how to turn those thoughts into positive thinking.

[Tom amoss]

Err in need of some encouragement today.

woke up feeling really low, yesterday was a good day, felt on top of things for most part.

but today i'm feeling it,

Its my own fault, keep thinking she will snap out of what ever she is thinking and will come back.

"You cant just turn your back on so many years"

i know this is part of the what happens, but its hard when it does.

 

Thanks every one

 

Tom

[Shocked Suzie]

Yes be patient.

 

I need to lean that. This whole process has been one of utter panic!

 

Leaning to cope or not cope with my emotions, fear, and loneliness

 

And today has been good and bad in equal measure.

 

BUT today I did enroled in a yoga class this Wednesday evening.

 

That’s my first step in doing something different.

 

I have even done a little bit of work.

 

This weekend I am staying at home, so that will be another challenge.

 

Today has been a day of fear, fear of what my future wil lbe.

 

I find people difficult, I’m not good at socialising, and having a ex wife who was good at that meant I didn’t have to worry much about it, so doing anything with people is a major step for me. Well new people really, I’m ok with friends.

 

 

It’s down to self confidence which at the moment I lack in a major way.

 

 

Tom

 

This is where you will grow! this is now your chapter and in time you'll get little bits of excitement when you see positive changes within yourself

 

great with the yoga class ... loneliness was hard at the start for me, as i said before i could have ran into a rebound relationship as i thought that's what i needed to do, now i love my own company.

 

keep yourself busy, read or do a course when you feel more focused & stronger ... im so busy with nice stuff i forget about the bad

[TailSpin75]

Hi Tom - I'm sorry to hear of the heavy day today. You're right, it's all a part of the process - nothing about it is like flipping a switch, but the only way past it is to go through it my friend.

 

It absolutely sucks - for myself, I cannot imagine that I'll ever go through a more painful experience but, after 4.5 months it's not now what it used to be. While your mind may know that it does get easier I know it doesn't little to relieve the torture of the moment. But remember Tom - you are putting the time in - accumulating days, weeks, and months - no matter how you feel know that you are heading in the right direction.

 

Suzie is absolutely right too - you are in the process of both change and growth - whether you can 'feel' that or realize that now in time you will come to know this.

 

This process (at least for me) is such a balancing act. It's necessary to distract yourself - to take your mind off of it from time to time, but you must also feel the feelings to work through it. Remember to be mindful of what you expect from yourself. I believe we all feel that we should be further along than we may truly be but we cannot beat ourselves down for running over the same old ground in our minds.

 

I am coming out of a strong emotional storm that hit me hard when I woke up Sunday and only lifted a few hours ago (Tuesday morning). I must say I was miserable - life felt so bleak - and the future was a place I could not imagine as having anything good. But I weathered the storm - I worked Monday, did a lot of journaling, I didn't go out because I didn't feel up to it, and talked with friends about where I was. I knew it would pass and I dragged myself through life for the past two days when all I really wanted to do was lay down and die.

 

You continue to head away from the worse part of it my friend - the part where it plagues you constantly. In time - there will be moment of relief, peace, emotional stability; it's an ebb and flow process.

 

I understand (as you stated) the lows are so hard - and you're intelligent enough to know that they will come and they will go. When mine hit - I journal like crazy - just pour myself onto a Word document - an endless stream of consciousness. Whatever thoughts come to mind - make it to the journal - I say what I want to say and how I want to say. And other times when it hits me I get into exercise mode; I start cranking out push ups and sit ups.

 

Remember Tom - you'll have the opportunity to look back at this time in your life - the adversity you had to overcome, the pain that you experienced, and problems that you resolved. You will be a witness to yourself and what you're capable of.

[aMguilts]

Err in need of some encouragement today.

woke up feeling really low, yesterday was a good day, felt on top of things for most part.

but today i'm feeling it,

Its my own fault, keep thinking she will snap out of what ever she is thinking and will come back.

"You cant just turn your back on so many years"

i know this is part of the what happens, but its hard when it does.

 

Thanks every one

 

Tom

 

tom

as far as i can see you are doing ok

we`ve all been through what you are going through now

some of us (me included) are still going through it

 

one thing i will say to you thou is this

please stop thinking in HER world

she is this , she is that

you know nothing about what `she` is

 

All you know from now on is YOU...ok?

 

Accept what is in front of you.

be the better person in this

and by that you really do NEED , to stop thinking about her or the what if`s or anything

think about YOU, for a change

 

it will come in time

hard as it is for you now, it DOES get better

 

hugs to you

 

aM

[aMguilts]

tail ....we posted the same thing, give or take a few words at the same time

 

aM