24 years marriage - ended

[aliveagain]

Tom, no matter how grim things may appear now there will be a time in the very near future when you will look back at this and ask yourself the question, "Who the fu*k does she think she is that she could take up this much space in my head, what reputable man would want her cheating a$$ anyway, she no longer measures up to my standards, fu*k off." Just like that it will be over and you will start to use this opportunity you have been given to do the things you want.

 

New amazing things will start to happen to you because you will be attracting good and positive things to you, the evil that took up so much of your everyday thoughts will be gone, women will notice this. Start your bucket list and start planning, save all the money you can for the first item on that list. Your mind will now be on that item and not her and the reward is you get the item.

[Bluesandy]

"What is the point of life. There is no much sadness to cope with.

Everyday this THING is in my face. There is not a single moment that it is not there."

 

Hang on Tom, the point of life is to take care of your kids and yourself.... This THING will fade away as the time will fly by.. And there is a girl waiting for you in the dark, nicer and prettier than you ex, who will love you for what you are, waiting to come to your life when you will be ready to accept her, which is apparently not the case.. So meanwhile.. work on yourself as you do, continue to see your freinds, make new friends, new activities to be able to meet new people, and dont forget the meeting website.. It has been an incredible role in my recovery...

Just to reminder, I got the exact same story than you, same time, Breakup february 2013, 23 year and 3 girls.. I am not 100% right right now, but I can tell 80%.. I have been a couple of month wih antidepressor, I have been with several girls since my break up, so my self esteem is much better now and more than anything, I have discovered that these girls got qualities that my ex didn't have ;-))).. So you will see, it is not a matter to try to find a clone of your wife, but someone who can be even nicer to you ;-)))))

Courage TOM

André

Edited August 19, 2014 by Bluesandy

[OnwardandUpward]

Everyday i sleep Tom - I am 49 - everything is gone - home husband and kids - i sleep and i paint - trying to heal from loss on top of medical crisis.

 

I will never be the same - in many ways i will be better - and in many ways my heart will always carry the burden of such a huge loss - i know how you feel

 

6 months for me since he ended our marraige - big hugs Tom

[Tom amoss]

A huge thanks to you all who have commented. Its really is a boost to get them.

Even though the house isn't sold, I am living with friends. Been there for a month now, and it has made a big difference.

 

Its been a month of talking and crying, and then just being with a family who seem to care.

I cook a few night for them, do jobs etc, and its been really good.

I know it can't continue, but its giving me a chance to clear my head, sort my life out, and prepare to live in my new house once the sale goes through.

 

 

You lose our wife, and then your kids move out into a rented flat, your home is empty and is put up for sale, and all that you have known is destroyed. Its a huge event, and I have not coped with it well.

 

 

Add the fact that life seems so hopeless, that any form of “Moving on” just seems more of the same, doesn't give me much motivation.

But the house I hopefully have bought is nice, small, but OK.

 

I can think about it, and sometimes get a glimmer of hope. But that is easily swamped by other thoughts. So looking forward a bit to the completion.

 

Its hard going, but if I look back to the early months of this, its better than it was. Just need to stop the not wanting to live thing. That is a easy mind trap to fall into, and its not good.

 

 

Girls.... Yes I would like to meet someone, and it would make a difference I am sure. But no one will touch me like I am now, sort of a chicken and egg scenario.

But plan to do that when I have moved. New house, new start, date!

Well that's the plan, ready or not.

 

 

Tom

[Shocked Suzie]

That's it Tom!!!! This is how it happens ... How it slowly starts

 

So glad you are seeing some light glimmers!! ... Don't forget you'll still have those steps backwards, we all do! But those steps forward get much stronger

 

SS x

[aMguilts]

one step at a time

 

 

you`ll be ok tom

 

 

aM

[Tom amoss]

I am now divorced.

 

My house goes on the 3rd Oct, and for a few weeks I will be homeless until my mortgage goes through and I can buy again.

I think by the end of oct/nov this will all be over.

 

But then in many ways the hard work starts. I have to find a life to live.

That prospect bothers me a lot.

 

I struggle with the point of what has happened, why it happened, and the whole concept of love.

 

 

I don't know how many people have thought about life, and its purpose. But when you wake up to the reality that there is no meaning, no purpose, when your brian chemicals dictate, or at least mask this, its hard to ignore.

Hope seems to be the balance to the despair of life.

Even my belief in God, seems to be a alternative to hope, but at the moment its a constant battle.

 

 

I worry that once you believe there is no reason to live, that switch will never turn off.

I cannot see what sort of life, how I will fill it, people, events, etc will ever be worth while.

And its people, events, doing... that fills the time. Its all you can do.

Wake up, have breakfast, go to work, lunch, have dinner, go to bed again. Fill the gaps with stuff.

 

I did all that. Doing it now.

 

But is there an alternative? I cannot see one. However you look at it, every living thing has to do very much the same. We are just more evolved in how we do that.

 

 

I imagine there are whole books about this, and people far more in the know have thought about this in great detail. I would not want to read them.

 

But for now I have to get through the rest of Sept and Oct, move into my new house, and see what happens.

 

 

I have only my trust in God that I can make it work.

 

 

Tom

[Mr. Lucky]

I have only my trust in God that I can make it work.

 

 

Tom

You might want to delve deeper into religion, spirituality and/or philosophy. If you're not motivated to read, many courses you can take and lots of stuff online to watch and consider. Some people look for answers, some make their own and many find reward and solace in the journey itself.

 

If you figure it all out, please post the answers here ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RonaldS]

Tom, I understand how you're feeling. It sucks. I know that feeling of bleak hopelessness. You can bottom out from it.

 

But bottom of out is the best thing for you. Don't worry...you won't stay there long. But once you've gotten down there, you'll see how much meaning there truly is in life. Not just the grandiose and life-altering....but the little things. Taking a few extra minutes at the coffee shop to sit and enjoy your coffee. Sitting on a bench in the sun. A fun evening with a cute lady that is just perfectly contained within itself and doesn't have to lead to something huge and doesn't have to save us. It can just be a few hours with smiles and laughs and that fun buzz a cute girl can give us. And maybe a little more.

 

Like any other currency, life has more value when we lose it and have to work to get it back.

 

I used to be a really hard worker. 'Motivated', I guess. Now, having bottomed out, I see that we miss out on so much of what makes our day to day existence meaningful. We don't have time for it. We stress over things we can't control. We battle our own instincts in order to set ourselves up to need much more than we actually do, to set ourselves up for dependency so that we can have an easy, convenient definition of who we are. Dependency on materials, on possessions, on purpose, and dependency on love. One actually doesn't need any of those things to survive.

 

And in the process of all that, we miss out on a lot of the good stuff.

 

You'll get there, buddy. Trust me. And when those curtains open and the sun hits your face and you look through the window at all of the possibilities for your life, you'll probably take a minute to reflect on those moments you feel mired in now and how you're happy that you went through them.

 

(Sorry....I've had like 4 cups of coffee)

[JoeCool]

Just chiming in quick with some encouraging words. While one part of your life may be over, YOU have a new life. Find some time to focus on what you want and no longer what you had, or your X's life. Studies show men have a harder time moving past the loss of a wife in death. I can only assume it holds true in divorce. We lack that emotional bonding that women grow up being trained to use in their lives.

 

 

My personal suggestion before jumping into a house would be look at who you were before you met your X. Ask yourself am I the person I wanted to be? Do I have the life I dreamed of? If not why? From the sounds of some of your posts somewhere along the line you lost YOUR identity. You are no longer your marriage. Take this opportunity to throw caution to the wind. You have the perfect opportunity to focus on your life, be selfish, very selfish. Pursue a dream or passion and become the person you as a child wanted to be; instead of person you as a child may have disapproved of. FIND who you are, and who you want to be before making another major commitment.

 

 

(Personal)

I am currently separated from my wife and kids. I am soul-searching and trying to discover who I want to be. I have made only one promise to myself. I will never live my life again, like I have for the past 20 years. I may reconcile with my wife or divorce. Honestly, I don't care at this point which it is (I just want what is best for my kids). I have hated my life for 20 years. I will not compromise my life and dreams for any woman for a very long time. I will only compromise my life for my kids, and no one else. I lost my identity and drive; my health suffered, my mental well-being has suffered. This is MY fault not my wife's. I have power and control over my life, and I will/am exercising it.

[Bluesandy]

I am now divorced.

 

 

 

I struggle with the point of what has happened, why it happened, and the whole concept of love.

 

 

Tom

 

Hi Tom,

Sorry to see how you are still affected...

The concept of love is two people loving each other.. And in your case as it was the case of mine, we were married to the wrong people.. For any reason, they had personal problems and they avoid them to be 100% in the relationship. What I found out is there are pleinty of other girls ready to love us, ready to love you for the right reasons...

Just try to pass over your actual pain and when you will be ready to receive, you will see that there are girls ready to receive your soul and ready to love you as you deserve.. But give them a chance to love you and move on with you life. How ? just be angry to your ex about the false love she gave you.. That helped me a lot to get away for the feeling I had for her and for the love I thought she had for me at that point.

I am 80% better in my life now... Weirdly enough, I have now 3 wonderful girls who want to go with me and apparently in love with me ;-) I met them in some dating site and know them all for more than 3 months.. ... I have to make a choice, now and it is hard... . 19 months ago, I was so helpless when my 23 year of marrriage ended up... Don't look behind, force yourself to dirty the past and it will help you to progress...

Courage

 

Good luck...

[Tom amoss]

Thank you all very much. I really do appreciate your thoughts, and comments.

1 more week and the house will be sold.

That whole side of my life will be over.

May be another 2-3 weeks and my I will be in my new house.

 

 

Thanks again.

 

 

Tom

[GreatDadAlways]

This is very similar to my story and all too common. It's going to be hard and you will have extreme highs and miserable lows. The best thing I ever did (and many disagree) is start dating immediately. Not to find a relationship but to meet new people who had no connection to my circle of friends. I was going by myself about an hour away to meet people. It was an escape from the horror I was feeling.

 

To my surprise, I met wonderful woman who were intelligent, engaging and were interested in me. It's incredible how your perspective changes when an attractive, kind woman takes interest in you for who you are. While I we call it dating, the reality is it was building a new circle. Many of whom are still in contact today.

 

Three years later I have found myself in a relationship that I never saw coming. As my closest friend said ... "She is intelligent, attractive and employed. What more could you want. Your ex was none of those". Leave it to a close friend to shoot it straight.

 

Keep your head up and get out there!

[frigginlost]

Wow Tom. Your story brought back so many memories and feelings I experienced with my divorce. I was married for 17 years and 2 days after that 17 year anniversary, my ex wife told me she wanted a trial separation. It was completely out of the blue. I had no clue. The next 90 days I have for the most part blocked out. But to give you an idea of the utter obliteration I went through, have a listen. 30 days after her wanting a trial separation and on Thanksgiving she told me she wanted a full blown divorce. No working on it, no nothing.

 

The very next day while I was at work, she packed up just about everything in the house we had built for us and moved out. The only thing she left was her wedding dress hanging in the closet.

 

Two weeks later, she met up with me to give me the divorce papers. I signed those damn things in a parking lot. Since my ex worked at a court house, she physically walked those papers up to a judge to be signed. This was two days before my 43rd birthday. I received a text while sitting at a stop light in my car from her stating "Hi, just wanted you to know that the judge signed the decree and we are divorced". My world that I had known for the previous 21 years collapsed. I can't put into words the pain I felt, but I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about.

 

For the next year and a half I can't tell you how many times I thought life was just not worth living. But slowly, I started to climb out of the hole. It's been close to 3 years, since the divorce, and I'm 100% my old self. I promise you, you will get there as well. Be strong and learn about yourself. Feel and acknowledge every emotion you feel. Allow yourself to process.

 

Stay with it buddy, I promise it will get better.

[Bluesandy]

This is very similar to my story and all too common. It's going to be hard and you will have extreme highs and miserable lows. The best thing I ever did (and many disagree) is start dating immediately. Not to find a relationship but to meet new people who had no connection to my circle of friends. I was going by myself about an hour away to meet people. It was an escape from the horror I was feeling.

 

To my surprise, I met wonderful woman who were intelligent, engaging and were interested in me. It's incredible how your perspective changes when an attractive, kind woman takes interest in you for who you are. While I we call it dating, the reality is it was building a new circle. Many of whom are still in contact today.

 

Three years later I have found myself in a relationship that I never saw coming. As my closest friend said ... "She is intelligent, attractive and employed. What more could you want. Your ex was none of those". Leave it to a close friend to shoot it straight.

 

Keep your head up and get out there!

 

That's exactly what I have done, and right, met some girls surpringly very attached to me... I think that was the right move to do, at least to try to decrease the horrible pain... But like Tom, that's only 1 year and a 8 months, not 100% yet recovered, but I bet hitting the 3 year duration will give me a full relief.... Matter of counting the months now...

[Bluesandy]

Wow Tom. Your story brought back so many memories and feelings I experienced with my divorce. I was married for 17 years and 2 days after that 17 year anniversary, my ex wife told me she wanted a trial separation. It was completely out of the blue. I had no clue. The next 90 days I have for the most part blocked out. But to give you an idea of the utter obliteration I went through, have a listen. 30 days after her wanting a trial separation and on Thanksgiving she told me she wanted a full blown divorce. No working on it, no nothing.

 

The very next day while I was at work, she packed up just about everything in the house we had built for us and moved out. The only thing she left was her wedding dress hanging in the closet.

 

Two weeks later, she met up with me to give me the divorce papers. I signed those damn things in a parking lot. Since my ex worked at a court house, she physically walked those papers up to a judge to be signed. This was two days before my 43rd birthday. I received a text while sitting at a stop light in my car from her stating "Hi, just wanted you to know that the judge signed the decree and we are divorced". My world that I had known for the previous 21 years collapsed. I can't put into words the pain I felt, but I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about.

 

For the next year and a half I can't tell you how many times I thought life was just not worth living. But slowly, I started to climb out of the hole. It's been close to 3 years, since the divorce, and I'm 100% my old self. I promise you, you will get there as well. Be strong and learn about yourself. Feel and acknowledge every emotion you feel. Allow yourself to process.

 

Stay with it buddy, I promise it will get better.

 

Yep... coming from an out of the blue situation is so disturbing, and right, the first months are so horrible to live... But another case of a three year recovery time... Congratulation... Can't wait to reach it....

 

So hang on Tom.... the blue sky is in front of us ;-)

[ralfgarnett]

Hey Tom I have just come across your story mate and my heart goes out to you, below is my story from another website, this was posted in early August and the entire discussion is still going on, since I posted this it seems my wife of 17 years is going through MLC, anyway I hope this is allowed but anyone that wants to can read my full story hear all 20 pages of it and no I'm not coping just surviving and it feels like hell, im happy to carry on the discussion on here though so any views are welcome, oh btw before anyone says it there is nobody else involved either side

Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

 

 

August 2014

My wife and I separated just over 4 weeks ago and it has been awfull as it just came out of no where, we have been together 20 years and very happilly married for 17 year, however early July my wife left for work as normal we kissed, told each other we love each other and see you later, however she came home that evening and said she had been crying all day and we needed to talk, she told me she loved me but wasn't sure if she was in love with me any more and needed space , obviously this blew me away I couldn't of been more shocked, anyway she has been staying at her mums and from time to time we spoke or mailed each other, before anyone asks neither of us have been cheating we don't do things like that we think its disgusting, however this past week or so we have communicated really well since a couple of times by phone and a few times by e-mail, we spoke yesterday and both agreed that we love each other but are not in love with each other, to me it makes no odds love is love to me you can twist it any way you want, we are meeting up in the week for a coffee and to discuss where we go next, we have both said we want to stay friends for life and even take trips together to places we both have mutual interest and interest in such as Flanders, The Somme, and Malta so that can only be a good thing, it will of course be separate rooms but that doesn't bother me one bit, maybe I'm get old or just wiser but there is more to life than sex, I prefer good company and friendship and if she and I can have that together for life then that is honestly fine by me, we have been married 17 years and we have both said divorce isn't even an option neither of us want one or need one, we have always been close and even at the moment while we are both hurting we are being kind, understanding and gentle to one another, we have never been a couple for Jeremy Kyle style arguing, name calling, sleeping around, domestic violence or any of that filthy kind of stuff those human rats go on about on that vile programme, instead we just like to be quiet and calm around each other and talk and listen to each other the best we can at this difficult time in our lives we are even going to set out some ground rules about the time we spend together do's and don'ts that kind of thing we are both working on the rules and we are looking to agree on what we both feel is important I know it sounds a bit cold and structured but I think its very important to know where we both stand and she agrees with me, but I am feeling happier and a bit more confident that some time some how we can have some kind of future together in some way, Im not being unrealistic she is not moving back in now or even any time in the future but who knows how things will work out in time, and in my opinion the current situation seems quite positive but of course I would value any feedback or opinions that any of you can have and share with me but please be honest I need to hear honest opinions not just things to make me feel better, I wanted to add we are both in our 40's my wife thinks he might be going through the change, her dad died a few years ago and she has never grieved properly, she is also under a lot of stress at work.

 

Many thanks

RG

[Bluesandy]

Long time no see.... How are you Tom ?