GorillaTheater Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 You may have noticed my refrain of "you can handle it". I don't repeat it just for the hell of it, I repeat it because I know that sometimes it takes a while to sink in, because it did for me. There's NOTHING to be afraid of it. Even if there was, you can handle it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 Moving, You knowwhat! I just don’t know, and what more…. Have I just woke up to the fact that life is just one big sham. I mean, we feed these bodies and live for what? Is all just one big pointless game. It’s a stage show, a sham called life. We trust someone so implicitly, parents, wife, you name it, acting all our parts in life. And then someone says, enough of this acting, I quit. What of the show! It’s all I have known; I liked the show, and I loved the part I played….. Now the show is conceded. Shows over. I don’t like acting any more. I hate acting. But every one wants you to start another show…. “ The showmust go on” “let go of the old show” “start anew” But really must it! Who are we really? Am I really Tom, or is that my stage name! Who the #ucking hell is Tom. The shows over. And I don’t what to start another. But I don’t know what else there is. Is there an alternative? Tom ( who ever that is) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Hi Tom, I just read your above post. You're not alone in having such existential thoughts. You're in an existential crisis. You might want to check out Viktor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) Check out this guy on YouTube, he breaks stuff down... One of his links he gets you to sorta short meditation about blocking out future and past... My mind was silent was great. http://m.youtube.com/user/ActualizedOrg I went through everything is f&@ked, the world, the lot! Can't rely on anyone... ... It's not and you can rely on others, but ultimately it is down to us, only we can help ourselves... Stopped waiting for someone to pick me up and solve everything ... Only I am able to do it. Roll with it, talk/think positive, say it out load ...even if you don't atm believe it, it lifts you... Gets you out of the doom n gloom SS x Edited June 17, 2014 by Shocked Suzie Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted June 22, 2014 Author Share Posted June 22, 2014 Thanks, loads of thanks. Yep.... only I can do this SS. Is hard to wake up to, but I am slowly getting that. But from what I can tell, you can not correct, make sense, understand, let go, move on, etc etc WITH LOGIC. Logic is not enough. No matter how hard I try, I cannot think this one through. and so what next. If you cant use logic, what have I got. Questions, questions, question with no answers. Why, Why, Why, with no meaning. but logic can not solve this! May be there is not a solution to every problem. May be there is no answer to every question. may be, in the end you just stop asking. may be in the end you stop wondering why. Is that letting go?, is that moving on?. Tom Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 There is no answers, only the here and now that should be focused on... The past happened but is now in the past 'it no longer exists' ... The future hasn't yet happened and cannot be fully altered 'so not worth stressing about' What is important is the here and now, this moment... If you look as simply as that, It's pretty peaceful!!! as long as you are making the most of each 'moment' that's all that matters. Write down your wants, wishes and goals... Aim each 'moment' towards them. That's the plan anyway .. Ha ha x Try not to over think I did this so much!! I found it just hurt my brain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Hi Tom, I am in the same boat than you, except I don't have any problem to find new gf... but my libido has been knoked down, only visble sign of my internal distress... only the time will do its positive effect on us... after 23 years, I will say we need at least 3 years to pass over that crash...... but we will, and the worst is behind us.. Now it is recovery time... hang on and just take care of you and your kid... Link to post Share on other sites
OnwardandUpward Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 Hey Tom same boat here but i am female - i have done the try to stop emotions with logic - i have done the stage and show and noone can be trusted and i am now at 'who gives a crap' .. but even that stage is just a stage - i guess i will be healed when i am indifferent but i can't see how that will ever happen. I get up everyday - i have no contact now - i am getting better. I can not shop for myself as my back is really badly broken but today i went shopping - recovery was 5 hours laying on my side in agony. I did it. I became dependent on him when my back broke - all in all he ended the marriage - now i have to become independent and by golly i am doing it - each and every day i am doing it. You keep going too Tom - don't let this stop you. The world may be a stage and our lives a drama but each of our exes have chosen to no longer play a part - mind you i bet when you get a new leading lady your ex will be singing a new tune. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hayewils Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Hey Tom, Long time since ive been on here.. I know exactly how you feel about finding a new place to live. I moved 3 hours away, new job, got a 1 bedroom apartment that is 5 minutes from work. my new job keeps me extremely busy which is good. I moved here for the very reasons you mentioned.. Fear of running into her at the grocery store, at the gas station.. where ever. Even tho I moved away and have no friends, I have a new beginning. I do get out when I can to get myself around people. I have a couple of new buddies at work, weve met up after work together to eat and have some laughs. I just came home from visiting family who still lives where I moved away from. I still have my house there that I am getting ready to put on the market. once it sells, life will take off in a whole new direction for me and for the better. I couldn't wait to get away from there, it just bings me down. I didn't have any trouble last time I visited but this time bothered me pretty bad. I actually jumped in my car and came home late last night, I couldn't wait to get back to my new life.. You just gotta be strong man, make the jump. even tho it looks hard, it would be the best. the rest will be sorted out in time. Im living proof that it will get better, you just have to say im ready. drop everything and do what you have to do for "TOM"! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Everything is a process and time is on your side. There's no rush to 'get over it and move on with your life'. You got shafted! This wasn't supposed to happen, you never thought you'd be where you are now. The life you created and built with her is gone so you need to grieve that loss. It blows and I feel for you. This is how people get stronger and wiser though, living through tough times and building upon positive and better days. You'll learn more about you and find "Tom" again. Or Tom will be reborn into a wiser man! Just don't give up on life ... Or on loving someone else in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I've been in a new job now for few weeks and have to say I feel the change has helped me so much. I think apart from feeling unhappy in my last job, the fact that it held so many memories of my split. Now it feels like a bit of a fresh start and know othat my new coworkers have no idea what I've been through... It's soo nice. The new job/role also helps divert my mind. SS x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 To all of you, thank you. It seem to get worse not better. I cannot live with this much longer, and everyday I don't what to wake up. Thankfully I am seeing professional help. But what they ask at times is not possible. A year and 4 months of this is wearing. The house is not sold, but my boys have moved into their flat. I am now all alone in this house, and I hate it . Its frustrating that I am so very low, and it effect all I do. I don't seem to have any control, and yes "I feel sorry for my self" that's what my therapist tells me. OK, I accept that, but what do I do about it? She wants me to get out with people more, and I will, but you cannot do that 24 hours a day, I tired all the time anyway. Its the pointlessness of everything. The dammed meaningless of life that I know is a lie, because I didn't feel it before. But it remains very true at this time. Its catch 22: Need to go out and live, but cant. You cannot always learn without a teacher, I feel I need a teacher who will get my life working again. Because studying alone, with self-help books doesn't work. at least not for me. I need a push, to be accountable. On a daily basis, but who? Don't give up on me, For along time you have given your thoughts, and help, and I have not thank or replied as I should. I am so up my own ar## with this, I don't always notice your pain. That I am very sorry for. I do hope I will see this through. Its a sorry mess, and I hate it soooo much. Again loads of thanks. Tom Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Immediately after the break up of my marriage, I realized that I had to find some way of getting my mind off of her. I dove back into my hobbies, and then I tried some new hobbies. The idea was too distract my brain for a couple of seconds, then turn the seconds into minutes and later hours and days. As a long time bachelor I was a good cook. I decided to up grade my cooking skills, by learning to cook some gourmet meals. This was a triple payoff, they took more time to cook, less time thinking about ex, they were delicious, and once I hit the dating scene were a great hit. Which in turn lead into an even bigger payoff with my current lady. She is totally out of my league in the looks department. We have been together for coming up on 19 years, I do almost all of the cooking On have recently heard through the grapevine, that the Ex is alone, unhappy and very jealous of my lady 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) Hi Tom, I am terrified by the fact you are still blocked to the pain position... as 2.50 gallon said, you need to get new hobbies, of whatever could change your mind. For me, since my break up, I have been with 2 girls, still with the second one, go out with friends, and I got a hard time to stay alone. I am doing a lot of sport, jogging, tennis, ping pong, anything to try to get some endomorphin..., I have been with anti depressor for two months before to be with the second girl I am with now, but stopped them as soon as I felt some relief.. Am I happy. No... Do I use viagra because my head is not there where I am with my gfs. Yes.. But I am much better than 18 months ago.. We do have a similar story together... So please, don't stay alone... And try to change a lot in your life, even a gf, and sport, and on the top, don't be afraid by the anti-depressors, it can help a lot. It could take 3 years before we will feel relief. So it is just a matter of time... hang on... Courage Edited July 9, 2014 by Bluesandy Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 By all mean do more therapy, for you atm it's the right thing to do.... But continually dragging yourself over and over stuff will keep old wounds raw and open... Like picking a scab. There WILL come a time when you will begin to feel so bored of looking for answers that just can't be answered... Then you will decide to draw a line in the sand. Visualising actually doing this or setting a date, time, full moon, universe to off load, let go, throw away your thoughts... Sounds like hippy s!@t but it works! Make a date and a promise to yourself... And soon, very soon stop picking that scab. Keep yourself positively busy, don't make excuses.... Move if you have to, change jobs, go on holiday, visit out of state friends. Xxxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 (edited) So now have a buyer for the house, and things are ramping up fast. Sorted the consent order out, and that should be with the court any day soon. My boys are now well established in their own flat. But I still have no plan as to where I will live. Last weekend I went to stay with some friends as they offered to put me up for as long as I wanted, they didn't think I was safe on my own in the house. The truth is I wasn't safe, and have great problems with wanting NOT TO LIVE. It's a really nightmare way to exist. No matter how I try and think this, positive thoughts, talk my self that I will be OK. It make not a scrap of difference. I pine for her. I hate what my life is now, and what I see of it in the future. Its seems so meaningless. There is nothing I want to do, or what I can do. Because everything is through this fog of despair. I force my self to go out, see friends, go to church on Sunday to ring bells, have coffee with them all. I still go to work, play my piano, still learning the guitar. Because this is what I am told I must do. Fake it before you make it. But what a whole lot of pointless effort. Every single day, every single long minute I live in utter sadness. Every day, I think, what is the point of all this? What is the point of life. There is no much sadness to cope with. Everyday this THING is in my face. There is not a single moment that it is not there. How long will this go on like this? I have been told its a choice, You choose to not let it effect you. But if its a choice, its not me making it. I don't have any power to control it. Why am I so desperately sad all the time? She's not coming back.I really do know that. Never ever coming back. She is a cold hard faced person, who I clearly didn't know. I would not want that back. But oh how much I want her back as well. How much I want my life back, to not have the memory of this last year and a half. Surly there must be an answer to this, because I cant believe I'm the only one who has been here, and for so long. Tom Edited July 29, 2014 by Tom amoss Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 no your not the ONLY one that is feeling the way you do!!!! There are a `few` more ppl in this world that are going through a lot more than you I understand your pain, I know what you are going through (I really do) So What you gonna do????? You`re getting some great advice on here! I`m at an all time low in my ummm `mindset` but it`ll be ok:) the fact that you are on here is good Never give up like EVER aM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Watched a really interesting thing on tv about depression in men. You are infact doing all the right things... Soon enough it will lift, you just need to find your personal correct way to cope. It doesnt matter how long it takes as it WILL happen. Keep posting!!! You are doing better than you think SS x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Thank you aMguilts & SS I didn't mean why am I the only one feeling this, I know many people are going through hell in their lives, I didn't want to come across as some how special, It was more why I am so stuck, when other seem to bounce back. More that really. When you compare me with some of the orful things going on in this world, It puts my problems to shame. But in my world, they are big. And mostly unbearable. I do want to believe that this will end, one of the most difficult things is too build new friends, and feel so depressed at the same time. As my friend says, you need to build your own chimp troop. Put your chimp at ease that he belongs. I don't know..... just be patient I guess. I hope I find that personal way to cope. Just to have some peace of mind. Need to see out the house move, find a place to live, and get the divorce finished. I do thank you for your replys. Amguilt you hang in there too. I read that life is always looking to restore balance. And that a dark night is always followed by the dawn. Winter to spring, Life will flourish in the most most inhospitable places, because that's what life does, it lives. I'm looking for that! Tom Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 TRUST ME I still have low points 'I have chosen' not to talk "dwell talk" anymore as It drags me back down "re opening that wound"... Not saying this is what you should do as I feel you need to be open still because of your depression. But for me I decided to draw that line, as I felt I had given my ex enough thought and tears. By doing this I now find it really easy to pull myself out of bad thoughts when they pop into my day to day thinking I also think that once you have sold your home, got your divorce out of the way it will help you detach... These break away stages helped me heaps! I would never have coped as well if it wasn't for daily walking.. Used to walking crying my eyes out... It kept me together! If you need to make yourself do anything it's that with pumping music! SS x you are doing great Link to post Share on other sites
JamieHarris Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Hey Tom. Sorry to hear that but trust me when I say that time heals everything! There will be a time when it'll actually all seem normal and for the better. I went through such a situation - 4 year marriage down the drain but I was lucky I found a good divorce lawyer here in Toronto Toronto Divorce & Family Lawyer - Fine & Associates and you need to do the same. Start finding yourself a good lawyer immediately and good luck with everything. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 (edited) Thank you aMguilts & SS I didn't mean why am I the only one feeling this, I know many people are going through hell in their lives, I didn't want to come across as some how special, It was more why I am so stuck, when other seem to bounce back. More that really. When you compare me with some of the orful things going on in this world, It puts my problems to shame. But in my world, they are big. And mostly unbearable. I do want to believe that this will end, one of the most difficult things is too build new friends, and feel so depressed at the same time. As my friend says, you need to build your own chimp troop. Put your chimp at ease that he belongs. I don't know..... just be patient I guess. I hope I find that personal way to cope. Just to have some peace of mind. Need to see out the house move, find a place to live, and get the divorce finished. I do thank you for your replys. Amguilt you hang in there too. I read that life is always looking to restore balance. And that a dark night is always followed by the dawn. Winter to spring, Life will flourish in the most most inhospitable places, because that's what life does, it lives. I'm looking for that! Tom Tom you are doing ok in my book Look even `happy` ppl have `bad` days!! You have something called an `imbalance` in your brain I`ve got one too It`s NOTHING to be ashamed of !! stop looking for `life`!!! Tom Take a step back If you keep on looking for things that you think you need or want in your life You will never get them!! Step back You have a great ENERGY in you You may not see it Shocked suzie and Myself do thou aM Edited August 2, 2014 by aMguilts 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 ^^^^^^^^ This is true I was reading yesterday something that said if you set your goals real high...You set yourself up for a fall. I deep down want to be an artist BUT because I am to hard on myself I keep having mental blocks and don't paint... I should just enjoy it day to day 'without' the huge expectations. It's like learning to ride a bike when you was a kid.... Seemed a huge, impossible task but we all manage it eventually. I've had a pretty flat week myself, I could not control the tears all week! Try to look at it as a growth week rather than slipping into 'that' hole again. It's not easy having control over your thoughts...in all the stuff that I have read this is normal for everyone to do, its just learning how to deal with them (cause they are just thoughts) inner chatting that always happens in everyone. And I agree ..... you are doing better than you think SS x Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Hi 5 weeks ago my wife left me. Its permanent, no way to fix it. But I am so not coping with this. I’m a complete emotional wreck. 24 year of my life completely down the drain. How on earth do you cope with this pain. Please some one help! Many thanks Tom You don't...but if it makes you feel any better, a friend of mine told me that his parents are splitting after 37yrs. I mean you will think all the kinks will be worked out by then right Perhaps it's true that we get sick of the same things, and just want to try something new???? Which begs the question why some people still do it, thinking theirs will be perfect. The truth is, we live in different times now and we have brought up a new generation of kids that are self centered, and feel entitled to everything i.e. kids with cellphones that don't know how bills get paid These are the kids in the future that end up looking for spousal support. I do not plan to get married again ( I am in my 40s), and will rather just have a companion to do things with. I don't want to fall into that common law trap either Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 You don't...but if it makes you feel any better, a friend of mine told me that his parents are splitting after 37yrs. I mean you will think all the kinks will be worked out by then right Perhaps it's true that we get sick of the same things, and just want to try something new???? Which begs the question why some people still do it, thinking theirs will be perfect. The truth is, we live in different times now and we have brought up a new generation of kids that are self centered, and feel entitled to everything i.e. kids with cellphones that don't know how bills get paid These are the kids in the future that end up looking for spousal support. I do not plan to get married again ( I am in my 40s), and will rather just have a companion to do things with. I don't want to fall into that common law trap either sorry I disagree There is no such thing as a `bad` kid It`s the parents fault always period sorry for the thread wayward Tom hope your ok? aM Link to post Share on other sites
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