24 years marriage - ended

[MajorOak]

Tom the last thing you probably want to hear is thank you for this thread; you wished you never had to post it, I know.

Your thread has generated a lot of great advise and highlighted I may not be alone in this world right now.

My wife left me yesterday after 27years for another guy. The pain is unbearable, I cant breathe,

I'm in the same dark place.

Edited January 10, 2014 by MajorOak

[Bluesandy]

Hey Majoroak... welcome to the club.... after 10 months and one relationship since then, I feel much better now... Far from ok, especially in the sex departement, but ok. Mine flew away with her boss letting me and my three daughters behind after 23 years.. but he beat her badly only 4 months after... pathetic... they are separated now

[Debanked]

I find the OP's writing style very curious. You can clearly see the vortex he is stuck in. Jump to any page, early or late, and the emotions and tone are constant. Some of the later posts are very calculated, line by line, almost like poetry.

[Tom amoss]

Hi

 

It has not been an easy ride. There were two shocks I have to deal with; the first was the loss of my wife, who I love/loved so much.

 

The second was the effect it had on me.

 

And if I am honest, the second is the most frightening.

 

Dealing with myself has been very painful.

 

Maybe for the first time in a very long time, I have looked at my self, and not liked what I saw.

 

 

 

MajorOak the people on LS are very kind, they have supported me through all this, and continue to do so. For me it has been a safe place to express how I have felt over the last 10 months.

 

Not sure what you see there as “almost like poetry”, but thanks, I think Debanked!

 

Thanks to you all. No doubt I will be here again, as this nightmare plays out, which hopefully will lead to dreams, then I awake whole again……. Oneday

 

 

 

Tom

[handymelnz]

Hello, I have just recently found this site and this journey of Tom's.

I was with the same lady for 34 years.

After I lost my job, had back surgery and then a minor stroke.

She gave me the " I haven't loved you for 7 years" fairy tale.

She the proceeded to tell me " you're old, no use to anybody and have no future"

It was very hard to understand and to cope with someone you had been with for that long saying these things , it's been a nightmare.

I found out later , she had a 'man' friend who helped her through the tough times.

I read this story and could almost see parallels .

I'm not going to say I know or knew how you felt Tom, everybody is so different yet the same.

I refuse to talk to her. We talked for 3 hours once and if I hadn't recorded it, I would have thought she was coming back. I heard only the good things, not the bad.

I have good and Bad days, hours etc.

But I have taken back control of my life for now.

No phone calls.

No just popping in.

It's been 7 months and if she wants to contact me, I only accept e-mails.

A text message if she is polite, if not, no reply, ever.

I have had the e-mail only option going for 2 months, I've had 2 e-mails.

Reading Tom's story has given me even more belief in what I'm doing.

Thank you.

I am still unemployed, I'm 54, had back surgery , couple of minor strokes, not good employment candidate.

I now do volunteer work, annoy the hell out of 2 very good friends and have started playing golf again.

I don't know how life is for you, but pass on any anything that you believe helped, others will want to know.

Thank you again.

Mel

[Tom amoss]

Thanks Mel for your post, you have been through a lot that’s for sure.

 

I never know if what I write is of any help, as the advice others give is so very wise. But I am on a journey and what I write is now it is for me.

 

Without doubt we define ourselves by the ones we love, and being with someone for 34 in your case is a very long time.

 

But if it a good thing or not, and you can not see it at the time, somewhere in that we lose ourselves.

 

I can only speak for myself, and I can honestly say that I had no idea I was lost.

 

I didn’t see how dependant I was.

 

So when I lost my wife, I was left with nothing.

 

I had utterly lost my soul.

 

 

 

In the months that followed I was literally a fish out of water, and I flapped about and was dying.

 

At some point in all that flapping, I made a decision, and one which has I am very glad I did.

 

I would connect back to my spiritual self.

 

Although I was advised to get back into the game, date etc by some, I knew that I was empty as a person, and if I was ever going to stay alive (and I mean that that) then I had to find myself.

 

That I can assure you it has not been easy.

 

I have to ignore my thoughts that would drown me in despair, and have to care for my grief like a child.

 

But what I do know is this, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith” Galatians 5:22

 

 

I have immersed my self in books that help me connect with my spiritual self.

 

Whether they are from a Christian, Buddhist whatever faith, what I have found is that they all teach the same thing, in that we all have a spiritual side.

 

And I CAN HEAL.

 

I can find myself again, learn to love myself, and come out of this a greater person.

 

I have too look deep within, and find it.

 

I am coming up to 11 months soon, and yes I have my dark days, but they are not as long or intense as they used to be. Maybe time is healing, maybe it’s my efforts to reconnect, but whatever, I will gain something out of this, I will use my pain to create a better me, one which will alternately forgive, and be thankful for the things I do have.

 

There are a lot of references in many faiths that talk about a second half of life, and through trauma we often get thrown into it.

 

Seeing the event 10 months ago as that, and using its effects in a positive way, well I cannot think of a better plan.

 

Even if it is very stereotypical that one falls on faith to find meaning, I don’t care.

 

In fact I was fighting for my life, I was drowning, and I was thrown a bit of driftwood, that has begun to grow into a log, and is growing each day.

 

Tom

Edited January 24, 2014 by Tom amoss

[Oberfeldwebel]

This is the progress Tom. Before you can make anyone else happy you have to be happy with you. One of the most important thing that attracts a man to a women is his confidence in himself. A man that is needy couldn't get a woman to run away faster if he chased her with a stick. A strong confident man will find female companionship. The other person that you had become is probably no the real you at heart anyway, but someone that you became out of desperation. Find things that you are interested in and invest time (golf, diving, photography, etc). Also make a goal to be a better read individual, start with the classics. Spend time helping others through volunteer work, this takes the emphasis off of your problems and helps someone truly in need. Take care of your health, job and finances as well. All these things make a person that woman will be interested in and so the fact that a specific person decides they don't want to be part of your life, then that is there loss.

[JamesM]

Tom, than you for taking the time to post this thread and to keep it updated. There is no question that it will help others who come here in a similar situation.

 

I am the same age as yourself and have been married about 24 years. While my wife and I do not plan to separate or divorce, there have been some tough times that I have posted about freely here.

 

It is entirely possible that one day we...or rather I may be where you are. As of now, it does not appear to be so.

 

I cannot say I enjoyed reading your thread, but I can say that it was enlightening and revealing about the pain that separation and divorce can cause.

 

It sounds like you have some hope for your future. Hopefully, it only gets better.

[Jash12]

I cannot say I enjoyed reading your thread, but I can say that it was enlightening and revealing about the pain that separation and divorce can cause.

 

First let me say Hello to everyone. I've lurked for the past year and have followed this thread as it relates to my situation as well.

 

I decided to reply to JamesM's post because, although I feel he meant well, he is missing what Tom has gone through. Yes, divorce and separation are terrible, but a lot times mutual. You can prepare yourself for what is to come.

 

What Tom and many of us have gone/going through is an unexpected, complete blind side, life altering smack down. Our best friend, lover, companion, the one we stood at an alter in front of family and friends and repeated vows to each other has decided selfishly on their own to end and split up a family. Without any respect for the marriage and what has been shared between the couple, what was thought to be soul mates, and in some instances half of someones life, doesn't give you any choice. It's over. They have decided on their own, leaving you without any recourse at saving the marriage. Then they say they haven't loved you in "X" amount of years, which even drives the knife deeper. I can go on, but if you read this thread throughout, it is painfully clear what we have endured, through the eyes of Tom. This all added on top of divorce and separation.

 

What helped me after the shock and awe stage, was I took half of the garage and created a mini man cave. I made my golf cart priority #3, after myself and my kids. Notice I didn't say my job. I still feel as though I am not doing my job as I should and did in the past, but it's all about baby steps. Back to the golf cart; I have/still doing a complete tear down and remake of the golf cart. From rewiring the entire electrical system to upgrading every accessory. I ordered all the diamond plate and floor materials and made my own rocker panels, etc.. The point being, exercise is important, but it doesn't kill enough time. A hobby forces you to put in time. It makes you read and have to understand what needs to be done, which in turn takes your mind off of thinking about the situation.

 

There was a time when there wasn't even a faint glow at the end of the tunnel. Complete darkness. But now I can at least see what appears to be the end of the tunnel. What was once a helpless and scared feeling, is still those feelings, but now a weird excitement of a new adventure has entered my brain. What is next? The feeling of "what am I going to do" has changed to "what do I want to do"?

 

Hang in there Tom. Just believe it does and will get better. It truly is baby steps.

[handymelnz]

I was lucky that my neighbour had been through this years earlier. She even told when when the X would visit and would be crying her eyes out. Her man-friend dropped her.

She kept telling me, no-one but you will know what you feel and how you feel but everyone will have an idea that could help.

As with Jash12, you have to have something to focus on.

I am unfortunately unemployed and that makes my days very long, I spend it looking for and finding things to do.

After 33 years of being together, I have to put in a lot of getting over things time.

After 7 months ,I'm starting to learn where to begin.

Thank you all those people with all that advice, I'm beginning to like people a lot again.

[2sunny]

How the no drinking going Tom?

 

Alcohol is a depressant - and I have found that life without it is much happier and I have more clarity.

 

Are you going to any AA meetings? Have you sought counseling at all yet?

[yorkie]

wow Tom can i say i relate to all your posts how you feel etc im 5 n half months break up and ex moving in with new guy she says she only just met. i am angry with her still and we dont talk. i do miss her dearly well the woman that i used to know anyway! im sick of thinking about her! im sick of feeling love for her yet i do i cant explain it tbh. it hurts so bad!

[Tom amoss]

Hi

 

Yorkie it’s going to hurt, and for a while longer too. There is no running from it.

 

You can search all you like on the internet, and you will find nothing that stops that hurt.

 

But, the only thing you must know is that the grief and hurt is actually healing.

 

And it says a lot about who you are too. How much you felt about someone. etc

 

If I can give any advice at all, then it would be to realise that you are not your thoughts, and feelings.

 

You mind is a great thing, but it does not help when it’s thinking all about her.

 

So you must stop. It’s not easy, but thoughts about her are forbidden territory.

 

But I do know how you feel; it’s the most traumatic thing that anyone has to go through.

 

I am now just over 11 months and tonight I am in more pain than usual as I know she is away this weekend, with whom, I have no idea.

 

But it doesn’t stop me feeling it.

 

I to must not go there, as it leads to despair.

 

The person we knew before is now dead.

 

The person out there we do not know. We don’t ever what to know.

 

Now is all about you. Me. No one else.

 

You are in recovery, just as if you had major surgery. Because you have had the very soul ripped out of you. That takes some repairing.

 

But you will get better. You will make it through this. Stronger, wiser, and altogether a much better person.

 

Meditate.

 

It’s a great tool to focus on. Do it morning and evening,trust me, give it time, but it will have a very profound effect.

 

Exercise.

 

Completely knacker yourself out doing it. Simple but effective.

 

Hang in there.

 

Submit to the pain. Not on the thoughts, but the pain. Accept it, by accepting it you are not fighting it; fighting what’s happened will only give more pain. Don’t resist what is. Don’t resist the agony you are going through. It sounds all words, but you will see what I mean when you try it.

 

Don’t drink.

 

Without doubt it does not help when you do. So I gave up completely.

 

I drink cold fizzy water by the pints.

 

If you just cant see a way to stop, just think of it as if a doctor insisted on it, that or die from it.

 

Because drinking to num the pain is a very bad choice.

 

All these things I have talked about are not going to stop the pain, but it gives you a much better chance to heal. It gives you the tools to cope, and live through it.

 

And that’s the thing; you need to get through this valley.There IS an end in sight. There IS light at the end, just give yourself a chance to make it through.

 

I know how much you hurt, I really really do.

 

But you will be OK

 

Tom

Edited February 6, 2014 by Tom amoss

[dumped2013]

Tom,

It takes some people more time and some people less to get over the pain. I'm glad to see you posting. Just hang in there and it will all be ok. Time is on your side.

[Tom amoss]

Hi All.

Well on Monday I went to the solicitor and started divorce proceedings.

 

I know it’s the right thing to have done, it means I will know where my finance stand, and begins the start to the end in this story.

But.

I feel absolutely terrible.

Today she will have received the first letter from my solicitor,so will know that I have started divorce.

Today I have even thought that she may what to reconcile, hoped she may change her mind, and that just stupid, because there is no way she would.

Trying to ride this wave, but it’s not easy.

 

Tom

[Tom amoss]

Tomorrow is one year since she left me.

 

Tomorrow is celebration day because I am still alive.

 

I have made it a whole year, and can still breathe and walk.

 

See, hear, and am in good over all health.

 

Granted that’s all I have, but it’s a start.

 

A Year ago tomorrow, and the weeks and month after were hell on earth.

 

But today I am still alive, still walking through hell, but may be if I look really hard I see some light.

It’s tiny, and it comes and goes, but its there.

 

A year from now that light WILL be brighter.

 

Please pray that will be so!

 

Tom

[dumped2013]

It will Tom. I guarantee it. It slowly gets better. Just keep watching for that light. Get out and try to have some fun. Take a vacation by yourself or with some friends. I went to an island the last 2 years and I actually had a blast and made some lasting friendships. Get out there and live. Have a great weekend.

[JamesM]

Glad you are alive and well. You know you have friends here who will support you...even if we are virtual to you.

[Tripz]

I just found this thread and the plethora of information and heartfelt advice. I'm phasing out of the angry stage (I think) and have struck up some chat with a couple nice gals on Zoosk. I don't really need a face to face date or even want that, but having live communications with someone that "might" be intersted in you for more than just chat, is kindof exciting. It certainly helps keep "her" out of my head.

[hurts1968]

Tomorrow is one year since she left me.

 

Tomorrow is celebration day because I am still alive.

 

I have made it a whole year, and can still breathe and walk.

 

See, hear, and am in good over all health.

 

Granted that’s all I have, but it’s a start.

 

A Year ago tomorrow, and the weeks and month after were hell on earth.

 

But today I am still alive, still walking through hell, but may be if I look really hard I see some light.

It’s tiny, and it comes and goes, but its there.

 

A year from now that light WILL be brighter.

 

Please pray that will be so!

 

Tom

 

 

Hi,

 

Been following your thread for a good few weeks now but finally plucked up the courage to post and reply to some messages.

 

Your posts give me something to aim for and a knowledge that the future might not be as bleak as it looks right now!

 

6 weeks ago my W told me things were over, completely out of the blue...thought we had a great marriage with a fantastic 3 year old daughter, now a week ago she filed for divorce!

 

I am completely and utterly in love with my W, not seeing a way through but your story helps!

[Shocked Suzie]

Hugs Tom xxxxx

 

SS x

[VeronicaRoss]

Everyone's advice about self-care is fantastic.

 

I wanted to comment on your not knowing why she left. That's got to feel terrible.

 

It's very possible she tried to communicate her displeasure a long time ago and gave up. Men and women frequently are speaking past each other. When women leave like that its frequently because they tried best they knew and have given up hope. I highly recommend the small little book called 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' by John Gray. Cheesy but explains practically how these things happen. It might open up some good conversation. I'd advise you though to focus on your behavior, not telling her what she is doing wrong.

 

She may not be great at communicating. You may not be great at listening. Or both. Either way, after time you will probably find out more about what happened.

 

I have a friend who went through something similar and she recognized why he lost interest in her about 10 years after he left her for someone else. She needed to be mad at him for a long time. But then she started realizing she had some unsavory aspects to her character and worked on them with a counselor. Then she was able to tie it together why he left her and completely agreed with his desire to leave. Of course his inability or unwillingness to confront her was part of a problem he has.

 

Later she saw him in a public place, asked for some time to sit on a bench and she apologized for her part. She said it was done in less than five minutes, he really didn't say much. But she felt much, much better afterward.

 

I agree with everyone else, take care of yourself now so you know at least YOU are on your side! Get through the days best you can. The pieces will come together.

[Tom amoss]

Oh boy, it’s a Roller Coaster all right.

 

The Easter weekend was a very low point for me. Even had those really DARK thoughts.

 

So trying to get my self back, but I really miss her somuch.

 

In the next few weeks the house will be put up for sale.This is a very hard hurdle, as while I’m in this house I see it as a chance forher to come back, even though I know she won’t.

 

I’m really finding it hard to let go. It’s a year and 2months since she left, and thoughts of her being with another man hurt me.

 

She was with me for so many years, and getting her out of my system is proving extremely hard.

 

And where did all my friends go? Dropping like flies!

 

At this rate I will become a hermit, a very hurting hermit at that.

 

Its not fun.

 

 

 

Tom

[roger136913]

Tom

 

I am right there with you, Wife left me 6 weeks ago.

 

I am on day 6 of NC, have not been to sleep in 36 hours. Yea I have sen the dark places also.

 

5 days after we celebrated our 24th anni she said she wants a divorce.

 

She says one thing then says another then says she did not say it.. Drives me crazy.

 

Life seems senseless without the one you can share your feelings with. Been with for 28 years, then one she was gone. Sucks spending more then half your life with someone to see it all gone.

 

I can't tell you what will feel better, or what to say.

 

I am getting angry as I have to sit back and wait if any response happens. I would rather walk on glass for a mile bare foot then do any waiting.

 

If you find a way to cope please pass it on, I really need it.

[hurts1968]

Oh boy, it’s a Roller Coaster all right.

 

The Easter weekend was a very low point for me. Even had those really DARK thoughts.

 

So trying to get my self back, but I really miss her somuch.

 

In the next few weeks the house will be put up for sale.This is a very hard hurdle, as while I’m in this house I see it as a chance forher to come back, even though I know she won’t.

 

I’m really finding it hard to let go. It’s a year and 2months since she left, and thoughts of her being with another man hurt me.

 

She was with me for so many years, and getting her out of my system is proving extremely hard.

 

And where did all my friends go? Dropping like flies!

 

At this rate I will become a hermit, a very hurting hermit at that.

 

Its not fun.

 

 

 

Tom

 

 

Not sure what I can say to help you...wish I knew the words!

 

I'm only 12 weeks in and it's a living hell.

 

Love to get my x out of my system, it's all the memories, the photos, the great times...they all seem pointless now!

 

But I'm still here and so are you, your friends were never really friends if they aren't still there.

 

Get out and join a club, join a dating site....anything that will mean your not just sat in the house.

 

My house is very strange at the moment, wife gone, daughter gone..big house with just me in it!