24 years marriage - ended

[GorillaTheater]

Do you have any kids, Tom?

 

And Buckeye! Great to see you. A band? Great way to meet women, man.

[buckeye]

Well Gorilla, we shall see. That would be nice. I want to thank you, The Gunny, 2.50 & WGW for helping me as you have so many others. You guys are great! Tom, these guys do a great job of helping guys like us. 20+ years is a long time to be with someone and healing will take some time. Just hang in there, buckeye

[MsOptimist]

I am so very sorry you are going through this - I am, too, like many others here. You have gotten very good advice. I echo what the others have said - this WILL pass, really it will.

 

Finding yourself again is the best thing to do. In the beginning you really do need to force yourself to get up and get moving for the day. I actually found that workdays were easy because I at least knew that I had to show up - sure, some days I just sat at my desk in a daze and read posts on here all day, but it forced me to get out of bed, get dressed, and sometimes interact with people.

 

Weekends and days off weren't as great - I'd want to lay in bed all day, but I forced myself to do SOMETHING, even if it was going to the grocery store to get some kind of comfort food or coffee.

 

I kept running and training, as I normally do, and having those goals was extremely helpful to have so that I at least had something to work towards.

 

I am almost 8 months post-separation and my divorce was just finalized a few weeks ago - things are immensely better already. I still have a lot of healing to do and a ways to go, but I can feel happy again and I can find joys in the little things in life and learn more about myself.

 

You will get there, too. Have faith in yourself and your strength, and be kind to yourself and make even a tiny step of progress each day. Even if that progress is going out for a coffee without crying in the coffee shop. Baby steps.

 

I never thought I'd wear mascara again because I was crying so sporadically every single day. Then one day, about 2 months post-separation, I had a nice dinner with a girl friend and was feeling good and put it on. I laughed and made it through the whole dinner without crying and felt good - that was my little step of progress that day.

[Gunny376]

Back int tha' day, back before the Internet 23 years ago, back before there was a Loveshack? Skip Ewing and his songs were one of the artist that helped. OK Skip and many a bottle of Black Velvet Canadian Whiskey, (Highly NOT RECOMMMENDED way to deal with this.

 

Damn good thing I had him on CD ~ if it had been on an old 72 vinyl record I would have worn the damn thing out running the needle through it!

 

 

But yes its most definately the Little Things that make the difference. And its very much a case of where "a little means a lot" which can be a hard concept to wrap around one's head.

 

I use to run this little jingle through my head each morning when I woke up ~ just to get myself up and out of the bed.

 

"Got to get up and get tha' get down feelin' ~ got to get up and get it on!"

 

And I would do that over and over as I stubbled to the coffee pot. You want to get and keep yourself Super occupied. Now is the time to get down on your hands and knees and clean the gout in the bathroom tiles with Q tips (I"m being serious here ~ do whatever is necessary to keep yourself from sitting around like a bag of potatoes vegged out in front of the tv, secluded, shut off from the outside world ~ feeling sorry for "Poor Me!"

 

Go ahead and allow yourself one and only one pity party to last no longer than exactly 24 hours and no longer!

 

Past that point get off your azz, get your head out your azz, get your head and azz wired backed together.

 

Its very much about getting up and about, and rubbing a little sunshine on your face each and everyday even if its a little liquid sunshine that finds you out dancing in the rain!

[Tom amoss]

Hi

just came back from my friends where I stayed then night.

Back to this house which is too full of memories

Yes I have two kids 19 and 21.

Would like some thoughts on what I do with our business.

Having to work with her, be it via email, is just too hard, all I want is for her to come back.

If a No Contact is ever going to work for me, then i guess its time to shut the business down.

I'm so torn, on the one had it gives me freedom with my time, on the other having to deal with her pins me down emotionally

Then of course I would have to get a job, but in my state I’m no good to anyone.

Off to another friends for tea tonight.

WOW what a life!

 

Tom

[Gunny376]

Its all relative? Yea! It hurts, and I'm talking about getting down on your ever loving knees, crying your ever loving eyes and soul out kinda of hurt!

 

Coming to Jesus kinda of hurt!

 

Beggin' and pleadin' for just some kind of relief from the angony, hurt, pain of hurt!

 

But me? Myself and I?

 

I've been WAY up in tha' ****!

 

And this is my grid azimuth point of reference.

 

 

All YOU got to do? Is get your happy dead azz OUT of here! And forever the rest of your Life? Its never going to be nothing but pure gravy!

[Tom amoss]

I'm being thick, what does that mean?

"It will shock you how much it never happened" is this a thought I will have in time?

Just started anti depressants (Citalopram) today, was really trying not to take those, but the doc was very insistent.

ERRRRRRR

Thanks for all your posts, I love reading them, its a comfort just knowing I'm not alone in this,

Off to watch a friend sing in a recording studio tomorrow, there’s also a grand piano there, so will have a little go on that

I know its going to be a really effect to go, BUT DAM I will do it

Thanks all

Tom

[Tom amoss]

I can feel the rising panic in me now.

starting to get those really dark moments.

I HATE this time. I'm going for a walk.

 

Tom

[redhat]

I would have another think about ssri's like citalopram, because although they can help shut off feelings, they also delay the grieving process. All that pain your feeling has to brought out of you like a poison otherwise it could transfer and affect other aspects of your life.

What I found helpful was trying to understand why everything fell apart starting from her childhood and mine all the way up to the breakup. This helped ground my fear and anger by allowing me to know her motives better then she did. Believe it or not this kind of behaviour is predicatable, once I came to that conclusion, I came to look at her like a child trying to satisfy their needs.

One day at time;)

[Summer Skin]

First time poster, long time lurker....

 

Tom, hang in there man, my parents split up in Aug. of 2011 under the exact same circumstances as you said in your original post. They were together 22 years. If you want to throw me a PM I would happily reply with the experience I've gained watching this happen over almost 2 years now.

 

You're not alone, and know that it does get better Tom (how original, right? it must ring a little true )

 

-Mike

 

edit: I'm the same age as your eldest

Edited April 14, 2013 by Summer Skin

[Tom amoss]

Hi

 

I went out to the recording studio, but could only stand it for 1.5 hours, really had to fight the emotion i was feeling, it's feelings like "who am i going to tell of my day." who cares.

BUT I DID IT, and went for a run.

 

I miss her so much.

 

I hate this journey, but know that I have to go with it, as its MY LIFE, and I’m dammed if she going to take that away.

 

These intense emotions are debilitating, they just pin you down so much.

Tomorrow I have to go for a small operation; "piles" that’s going to be another lonely time.

 

Tom

[Gunny376]

Its part of the M.O. Tom.

 

Even the 'Little Things' in and of your life balloon and swell from what was once everyday inconsequential and insignificant to 900 pound gorillas sitting in your life.

 

Its a 'process' that we go through when we go through the divorce. There's a definite methodology to it all, with a beginning, and middle and and end (Well at least to some degree) that is unique individually, yet strangely similar to that others at the same time.

 

A really good 'read' on the subject that is in paperback, that showcases case studies from across the social - economic strata is the book "Crazy Time" I think by reading it? You will gain a lot of insight to the process of divorce as you progress ~ and will help you to at least see a glimpse of the light at the proverbial end of the tunnel.

 

Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Revised Edition: Abigail Trafford: 9780060923099: Amazon.com: Books

[Steen719]

Hi Tom,

I have been reading your posts and can almost feel the pain, as I did when I read WGW's post to you about he felt afterwards. 2 years in October will be 2 years since my divorce and in one month, it will be 2 years from Dday. I won't go over the story, but if you are interested, you can read my earliest posts. I did want to say, however, that I was married 22 years and had a 20 year old son (at the time) when the divorce was final. Some similarities.

 

I can remember waking up very early each morning and it was the first thing I thought about when my eyes popped open and then I would cry. At the time, I only worked from home and my first 2 hours were spent almost paralyzed and crying. I moved out and at first, the only advantage was that I could cry freely. I spent day and night crying and sometimes sobbing. God, it was awful! I would close the drapes against the sun. Then the roller coaster started and I would feel better for a little and then awful again. Slowly, I got better, but for quite a while, I was so damn sad that my life was gone. Our plans to retire and travel; the life I worked for all of my life was gone. My XH was off in a new life and didn't even look back. I was like yesterday's newspaper, only history. He did not really even talk to my son much.

 

I tell you this so that you can see how really awful I felt. I started working a second job; this one with disabled children. (That will give you a reason to be grateful) Anyway, I am so, so much better. I wouldn't say that I am 100%, but maybe I will be one day and in a different way. I can't really remember the last time I cried. It has been a while, though. I sleep good, I exercise 3-4 times a week, I feel good and I can see how far I have come, despite some financial difficulties ahead. If you had asked me last time this year, I would not have predicted I would feel this good.

 

(I didn't turn to someone else, as I thought this would impede true healing. I'm not saying it is right or wrong - just not right for me)

 

You will feel better. You may think it will never come, but it will. I walked and walked my dogs. I went anywhere that anyone asked me to go. I didn't have a good time at all the places, but I did it anyway. I called friends and family A LOT! I read a lot about healing, I cried whenever I felt like it and I started feeling better. Hang in there. I know it's hard and people say "it will get better, but it takes time". It is true. Save the decision about the business until you are stronger.

 

**Side note** The XH & gf are no longer together and he tells me daily how sorry he is and he asks me back. Not going; that is another thing that happens - you don't feel the same. It is coming, Tom, those better days are on the way. Hang in and here are some hugs coming your way.:bunny:

[Caldespair]

Gunny im going to get the book you mentioned above.

Tom

As you know Im 4.5 months into seperation, Im very similar age to you and with my two kids a bit younger.

The emotional thing - last couple days, were great. I felt OK and was able to go out friday night to listen to some live music with a friend, and Satarday I went gofling with a group of guys for a birthday party. I was occupied, able to enjoy myself. Today, im a wreck. I dont know exactly why, but I feel suddenly very sad about the ending of my long term marriage. I think I have been prety good to not dwell on it however I actually broke down sobbing today. It just reminds me that I cannot control my feelings and I guess I must feel this for the time being.

It really is like a death however this is more difficult then when I lost my brother 10 years ago, and also more difficult then cancer scare (doctors said get your affairs in order) I had 5 years ago.

So whatever your feeling, I guess we just have to own it and know things will get better.

[Caldespair]

Summer skin -

You are about my kids age and I was wondering how the divorce effected you and what, if anything can a parent do to make it easier on the kids?

My 18 year old is away at college and I talk to her almost daily. But my 16 year old is the one I am concerned about.

She lives at sbxws house and though I want to see her more, I dont want to push it with her. She has sports after school, boyfriend and big social life. We are close, but I remember being 16 and the last thing I wanted was to be with a parent.

Any suggestions from your vantage point as your parents went through divorce?

[Tom amoss]

So So very low.

Its all jsut too intence today

I want her to come back, there must be a way to fix all those years.

But she isn't having it.

It make no sence, I'm panicing here........

 

Tom

[Gunny376]

So So very low.

Its all jsut too intence today

I want her to come back, there must be a way to fix all those years.

But she isn't having it.

It make no sence, I'm panicing here........

 

Tom

 

You'll just have to take from someone who's been there!

 

[worldgonewrong]

Tom amoss: If she's not putting a high value on those years, then you shouldn't either. It's an imbalance that can't be corrected, even if you are the more appreciative of those years.

You have BETTER years to come, I swear. You can't see it now, but you do.

[Gunny376]

Tom amoss: If she's not putting a high value on those years, then you shouldn't either. It's an imbalance that can't be corrected, even if you are the more appreciative of those years.

You have BETTER years to come, I swear. You can't see it now, but you do.

 

ABSOLUTELY!

ITS THE END OF YOUR MARRIAGE!

NOT YOUR LIFE!

There very much indeed Life after divorce!

[Tom amoss]

Just forced my self to have a positive hour.

played music load, and tidyed my office.

 

YES she has garn.

She really has.

 

Today she moved into her flat. all her stuf is out now.

Today i make a start on my new life.

I need help, but I am going to make this.

I promise to you all that I will do this.

I may have some days that are not as high as others, and I will come here.

 

BUT TODAY IS THE START OF MY NEW LIFE.

 

TOM

[Tom amoss]

Well not feeling so upbeat as I was.

but that’s OK, its 8:00 in the evening and I have wore out my friends.

Did anyone else find that, you go to friends and you can’t stop talking about your loss etc, in the end you just have to stop talking about it.

Its 6 weeks since she left, and I just want to talk talk talk to anyone who will listen.

But at some point you have to stop, don’t you?

Tom

[Caldespair]

it is all part of the process we go through. I was the same way. I would talk about the divorce, how unfair it was to anyone who would listen. I had that phase and there waz a lot of energy in it.

Now 4.5 months since seperation, I have calmed down somewhat.

Im more of, now what?; and how to a start this new life. I am still trying to untangle myself from sbxw, but it is not easy.

I also had to/ am still getting used to being alone. Thats a new one and it takes some time.

I can only work so much, play tennis, see friends so much, then its alone time. I must admit, it has been very tough lately. I feel as Ive crashed from my steady upward progress.

Be aware that you may forget things, appointments, obligations. I went through a phase in first 2 months where I would forget appointments. It was like I did not have enough band width to process the life changing event and other routine things of everyday life.

How are your kids handling things?

[TailSpin75]

Hi Tom - I've been following your thread and am so sorry for your loss. I'm about 4.5 months since she declared divorce and wanted to let you know it does get better. I feel for you my friend - it's not an easy path by any stretch of the imagination. I understand that none of this 'feels' right - not what happened and not how your emotions react to the situation.

 

You have no doubt heard that it's something that takes time to process and work through. For me... those first 6 weeks were the worse time of my life... no contest. The details to my story are on this forum but they don't really matter - like you things were great until that one day - 20 years just gone. It meant everything to me and apparently nothing to her... still makes me shake my head.

 

I was told from the beginning that this situation was going to change me - that I was going to come out of this a better, stronger, and more confident person. Words that sounded nice at the time but carried no weight - truly did nothing to ease the suffering at the time. But after around 6 weeks - that emotional fog began to lift (just a little). My greatest fear had always been to lose her - and after 6 weeks of genuine suffering I realized my greatest fear was to never get past this. So (as best as I could) I put my rational mind in the drivers seat and began to work on perspectives.

 

I considered others who have been through divorce - others who have also endured such emotional trauma; we can see that recovery is possible. I want(ed) to get from 'here' to 'there' - but there's no way to fast track that. So since I couldn't go around it - it seems the only way to get past this is to go through it. For me (as it may be for you as well) this... 'experience' is like a collection of the hardest days of my life every day. We get by one day at a time - but I notice that each week is better than the previous. I also tried to imagine myself a year from now - when the emotions are not so strong - the up's and down's not so violent - and a range of perspectives that actually stick around.

 

Journaling has really helped me... to purge, vent, and dump. To say to her what I want to say - to describe the suffering - to boast about the moments of where I do feel strong. And yes, my friends do grow tired of hearing about 'this situation' - I know they care for me but truly lack the ability to understand this experience (through no fault of their own of course). Journaling, therapy, and someone who can walk this road with you (for me it's my sister - on the phone every day, twice a day).

 

So 4.5 months in and (if I'm being honest Tom) it's still a struggle but it is a million times better than it was in those first 6 weeks. I have been disciplined though - communicating by email primarily (only seen her face to face 3 times this year - we have 2 children... the only tie that binds us). My emails are polite, kind, and cordial - I refuse to let this situation turn me into a monster (though my journal is a witness to rage that resides within me). I cry - not everyday - but not many days go by where it doesn't 'catch' me. They're often brief short lived episodes but it does need to come out. And when I'm at my lowest these days - I know that I'll be okay - I know that enough progress has been made that I will be fine.

 

I can maintain composure 99% of the time - even when I feel like I'm dying inside. Sometimes when I smile or laugh - it's genuine. Most of the time when I look at the past - it doesn't crush me and when it does - I've learned to stop looking. The same is true when I look at the future - if it seems so bleak (being alone, dating, happiness, etc) I stop looking. It's amazing really how those perspectives appear so different when our mood is up rather than low. Mental acceptance is quick (as evident in your first post) but emotional acceptance is the root of the struggle. I've learned (and take comfort in) that there are no wrong feelings and (as far as progress) - you're right where you need to be. (When I was seeing a therapist) He asked me 'have you ever been happy' and I said 'of course'. He asked 'are you happy now?' and I replied 'no'. His point being nothing related to how we feel lasts forever - including the suffering you endure now my friend.

 

True grieving is an incredibly painful experience - it's an emotional suffering that few, if any, situation can compare. You must know that what begins as a constant agony - turns into an emotional endurance challenge. We all want to be farther along than we are but we learn that it will take however much time it takes; my aim has been to not put myself in a position which extends that timeline. Rational mind over emotional impulse or reaction... not easy (nothing about this is) but it can be done.

 

So my perspective has settled into this... She is not who I want her to be. I thought she was - she certainly acted the part right up until that day. But in reality - she is not that woman for me, no matter how much I want that to be true.

 

Keep doing your best Tom! Ponder what you will - you will eventually grow tired of heading down certain paths as you know what's down there, but we all go through it. (I hated hearing people tell me what I shouldn't be thinking - I truly couldn't help it). But I did get tired of running over the same old ground - at times I can go down those paths and just shake my head. Other times I recognize when it's dragging me down and I step back. My point is, don't beat yourself up over what you're thinking or what you're feeling. I wish you the best my friend!

[Tom amoss]

Thanks TailSpin75

 

Thanks Caldespair

 

Like you, she also acted the part right up till she left; we were even making love days before.

It’s really hard, I think I’m going mad sometimes. and its so true about band width in your mind, I forget what i did yesterday, every thing is a blur.

but as you say, i just have to go through this.

Taking the ups with the many downs.

Today i have to do some work. This is my aim today.

If I can get 2 hours done that would be good.

It’s a shame I have to still work with her (we run a small business together, email only, but its still communication.

Not slept well, been up since 2:00, when I lay down, my mind is a law unto its self.

Manic sets in about what I have lost, what my future will be, and the sheer loneliness of everything.

And the panic of what on earth i am going to do to fill time.

I look at things like dance classes, art courses, etc, and it fills me with utter dread, because I don’t want to do anything, I have no hobby’s, i hate TV always did.

Added to this two weeks before she spite we decided to quit drinking, We were quite heavy drinkers, every night, but I have kept to this, even through this crap time. Drinking fills time.

So much to adjust to!

When I get very low, dark thoughts are there, and I just what life to end. I hate it.

I'm hoping the Anti Depressants with help. I know so many advise not to take them, but if I don’t I will lose my business , and I won’t get another in the state I’m in.

To think this process will take 1-2-3 years fills me with more panic, but I have to accept this now.

My aim this week is to work, and if i can to try and accept she's not coming back.

Thanks for your reply, I read them hungrily, even if you end up repeating the same advice, reading them means i'm not on my own.

 

Thanks again

 

Tom

[2sunny]

I'm sorry you're stuck in the painful stage.

 

I suspect she's cheating - have her followed... You'll find out what she's never going to tell you.

 

Get busy living!!!

 

Life doesn't stand still - so kep moving forward as best you can each day!