24 years marriage - ended

[worldgonewrong]

A recommendation (for you and others): read Ram Dass's "Remember Be Here Now".

 

One of the many lessons in that book is that emotions are like waves - they come and go. You see a painful one emerging about to sweep you up, then you're in it, and that wave recedes to the shoreline and disappears.

[Shocked Suzie]

TS AND AM are right, in the early days its 'really hard' to focus on yourself and not on them....i still do it now! as you will see on my 3 months on post....lol im that confused at times that its not even 3 months its 4 :laugh:

 

you doing really well xxx

[Tom amoss]

hi

 

Thanks you every one.

 

Another penny has dropped today

 

She doesn't love me.

 

If she did, this wouldn’t be happening.

 

so I’m pining for a girl who may as well hate me.

 

I wonder what I fear the most now.

 

I think it’s the realisation that I don’t have a clue how to start a newlife.

 

I having nothing to do, Yoga, i ask you!

 

Meeting new people scares me.

 

Loneliness scares me.

 

Having to work in this house by my self scares me.

 

BUT, what I fear the most is who I am.

 

Today is going to be better than today, but not yet

 

Tom

[Shocked Suzie]

hi

 

Thanks you every one.

 

Another penny has dropped today

 

She doesn't love me.

 

If she did, this wouldn’t be happening.

 

so I’m pining for a girl who may as well hate me.

 

I wonder what I fear the most now.

 

I think it’s the realisation that I don’t have a clue how to start a newlife.

 

I having nothing to do, Yoga, i ask you

 

Meeting new people scares me.

 

Loneliness scares me.

 

Having to work in this house by my self scares me.

 

BUT, what I fear the most is who I am.

 

Today is going to be better than today, but not yet

 

Tom

 

 

It's ok to feel like this, it's normal.. Give yourself time, go for a walk. Think of things you've fancied doing or wanted to do n never have just so you have simple goals! Keep yourself busy x

[2.50 a gallon]

What you are experiencing is normal

 

At first nothing makes sense. Even though after a month, when she wanted to reconcile and I knew it was impossible to ever trust her again, and I was determined to never go back, there was still a big part of me that wanted to find a way to put humpty dumpty back together.

 

Mornings were by far the worst, especially right after I woke up. Two or three months along the trail, I still kept having to rediscover that she truly was no longer in love with me.

[Shocked Suzie]

What you are experiencing is normal

 

At first nothing makes sense. Even though after a month, when she wanted to reconcile and I knew it was impossible to ever trust her again, and I was determined to never go back, there was still a big part of me that wanted to find a way to put humpty dumpty back together.

 

Mornings were by far the worst, especially right after I woke up. Two or three months along the trail, I still kept having to rediscover that she truly was no longer in love with me.

 

I found mornings really bad too! When u wake up and it floods over you the moment your eyes open! ... Also and at times I still do, I used to wake at 4am too. I personally found going to sleep not an issue just from the mental exhaustion :-/

[worldgonewrong]

 

BUT, what I fear the most is who I am.

 

DON'T.

 

That's not 'fear' - that's just a feeling of shock, of facing yourself for the first time in maybe a long time. I went through the same thing. You are finding what your 'self' is like without the ego-connection of your wife; you're not seeing your reflection anymore through her eyes; you're seeing yourself within the focus of your own neglected lens. It's scary but ultimately liberating.

[Tom amoss]

DON'T.

 

That's not 'fear' - that's just a feeling of shock, of facing yourself for the first time in maybe a long time. I went through the same thing. You are finding what your 'self' is like without the ego-connection of your wife; you're not seeing your reflection anymore through her eyes; you're seeing yourself within the focus of your own neglected lens. It's scary but ultimately liberating.

 

thanks, i need that.

 

Boy oh Boy this is some journey.

Been up and down, this morning I was so low, yes Shocked Suzie me too, always in the morning, but has got better as the day went.

 

Still finding the idea that she doesn't love me a hard one, and didn't love me for quite a while. (years)

Sound like a teenager when I say that, but its still the truth.

 

Been trying to tell myself there will be someone out there who will love me, but at the moment I have to deal with the hurt, and loss, and all the other things.

Keeping my mind off the subject is near impossible, even when I do something.

Off to Yoga tonight, now that is outside my confort zone.

 

Tom

[TailSpin75]

hi

 

Thanks you every one.

 

Another penny has dropped today

 

She doesn't love me.

 

If she did, this wouldn’t be happening.

 

so I’m pining for a girl who may as well hate me.

 

I wonder what I fear the most now.

 

I think it’s the realisation that I don’t have a clue how to start a newlife.

 

I having nothing to do, Yoga, i ask you!

 

Meeting new people scares me.

 

Loneliness scares me.

 

Having to work in this house by my self scares me.

 

BUT, what I fear the most is who I am.

 

Today is going to be better than today, but not yet

 

Tom

 

Hi Tom - to echo the words of our friends here Tom - what you feel and the experience you are having is a normal response to the adversity you are facing.

 

So consider this... as you know this is a process that takes time. And you're probably also aware that it's possible to do things that will delay the time it takes to move through the process. I'm not reading about you in constant interaction with her - I'm (we're) reading about the battle you face in finding yourself, surviving the emotional torture, and learning things that will inevitably allow you see a future that is not visible at this time.

 

The process itself is simple - and what I mean is that it requires time, patience, and endurance. Dealing with the emotions (fear, anxiety, pain, etc) is the real challenge - but you have done this for 2 months now - it's not been 'easy' but you continue to prove to yourself that you can (and are) moving through this.

 

At times we become our own worse enemy - getting upset with how we feel or some of the thoughts we're having. We discourage ourselves, we panic, we feel as though we are going mad, and we cross the line and start asking ourselves 'what's wrong with me'. There's nothing wrong with you Tom - or what you're feeling or what you're thinking.

 

As you continue to move forward through both time and this process - the many questions you have about yourself and your future will be answered. Think about it like this - a child learning math can only perform operations which they have learned. They learn the basics and build from there - once they reach a certain 'level' they are able to take on other branches of mathematics with the tools they have spent time acquiring.

 

Our lives have taken a sudden, shocking, and undesired turn - we have been cast in a direction that we would not have chosen for ourselves. As we move in that direction we learn, grow, and acquire the tools that allow us to branch out into areas of life that we may have never thought we'd explore. But like a child cannot be expected to perform math operations for which they lack the tools - nor can you at this time expect to have a full understanding of this new life. It is a learning process which fosters growth and as much as we would all love to get from 'here' to 'there' as fast as we can - it takes time to learn and to adapt to such a massive change.

 

Continue to do the best that you can Tom and keep putting in the time. A lot people here are keeping up with your story and are looking forward to the many (many) breakthroughs and epiphanies that you will no doubt have along the way.

[aMguilts]

hi

 

Thanks you every one.

 

Another penny has dropped today

 

She doesn't love me.

 

If she did, this wouldn’t be happening.

 

so I’m pining for a girl who may as well hate me.

 

I wonder what I fear the most now.

 

I think it’s the realisation that I don’t have a clue how to start a newlife.

 

I having nothing to do, Yoga, i ask you!

 

Meeting new people scares me.

 

Loneliness scares me.

 

Having to work in this house by my self scares me.

 

BUT, what I fear the most is who I am.

 

Today is going to be better than today, but not yet

 

Tom

 

tom

 

once again you are thinking of your situation,from HER point of view

 

you have no idea what she is feeling or thinking

 

for all you know she may be putting on an act that she is ok when inside she is as just as frightened by the future as you are

you dont know,

 

think about what you can do to change the way you are feeling into something a little more posistive every day

tiny steps for now, but make those steps

 

hugs

 

aM

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Tom,

 

I hope that it helps you somehow to know that, in posting here, you are helping another wounded soul. We share almost identical stories. I am 12 days into my separation from my wife and the pain, fear, loss, confusion is all the same for me. Your stories make me realize I'm not alone and the great support and advice you've received has given me some hope.

 

I know I will get through this but that actually saddens me more because that means I will have given up a woman who - on paper anyway - is everything I ever wanted.

 

What I fear the most - today - is that I'm still attracted to her. I can't even look at her when we're together. I fear that physical attraction will never go away and I will be tortured my entire life whenever I see her (we have 2 small boys to share).

 

She moved out - leaving me in the house for now which you'd think was a blessing but, in reality, is more of curse. Its a constant reminder of her. I've taken down literally everything on the walls (pictures, kids art).

 

At night my crying echoes from room to room. It feels like more of an asylum than a home.

[Tom amoss]

Well just come back from yoga

 

I had a really great time, for once I didn’t feel any anxiety.

 

I even chatted to a couple of people.

 

I am on a high tonight. Can’t believe it, WOW

 

I hope I can keep some of that high for tomorrow.

 

But just to say a good time, something positive for once.

 

Your posts so give me hope, I am so grateful, all of you.

 

If there was flicker of hope today then the yoga class hasproved it’s there, and I was so negative about going.

 

I’m sending this post now, just in case tomorrow is not sogood, just to prove to my self and tell my self and you that I had a good time.

 

See you in the morning

 

 

 

Thanks again

 

 

 

Tom

[Tom amoss]

hi

 

As I look on last night high, which of cause didn't last this morning, but I still draw hope from it a bit.

 

This morning is now all about her, and what I have lost.

 

What a loss that is. It’s her birthday today, and I sent her a text."Happy Birthday"

 

I got a “thanks”, then minutes later a work type text, all mater of fact. (We run a business together only via email, as I can’t talk to her)

 

It hurts there is no tenderness left, no love. NOTHING

 

All I wanted was a chance to make things better, just one single chance.

 

WHY didn't she at least give it a go, we could have sort help or something.

 

I wish I could turn my love off. Flick a switch to OFF

 

I can feel that burning feeling in my blood, rising up, it really doesn’t pay to send texts, I hate email from her about work. BUT I have to work, or else I’m in a worse mess than now.

 

I have to see work as a tool for me. Remember its half mine.

 

It buys me time; it makes my NEW life flexible. I hate working from home,adds to the loneliness of every thing.

 

But does nothing for the No contact rule. That’s my additional burden in allthis.

 

TailSpin75, worldgonewrong, ShockedSuzie, aMguilts all who have posted!

 

What would I do without your support. Not be this far on that’s for sure.THANK YOU I really mean that.

 

I want to hate her, get angry, but its just not there.

 

But I miss my old life so much.

 

 

 

Tom

Edited April 25, 2013 by Tom amoss

[Tom amoss]

LIFE.GOES.wrONg

 

Oh no!

 

yes my house feels the same, its not good is it.

 

I re-did the bedroom very early on, but it’s still the same house.

 

Oh I wish I could say something for you, the posts that other have made have made such a difference for me. But at the end I know its all down to me, and my mind, my thoughts, and to work on me.

 

Working on me, (you), I’m convinced is the key to all this. We have to find that inner strength from somewhere, to rebuild self esteem, our love for our self’s,to find inside an independence that we love.

 

Quite how that’s done I’m still working on. But I went to yoga last night,and it was a positive step forward. I proved to my self that I can do something way outside my comfort zone and surprised myself how well I did.

 

Your 2 weeks I’m 8 weeks this Friday.

 

I’m thinking of you

 

We will walk this together. Your not alone mate.

 

Tom

[Shocked Suzie]

Tom,

 

I hope that it helps you somehow to know that, in posting here, you are helping another wounded soul. We share almost identical stories. I am 12 days into my separation from my wife and the pain, fear, loss, confusion is all the same for me. Your stories make me realize I'm not alone and the great support and advice you've received has given me some hope.

 

I know I will get through this but that actually saddens me more because that means I will have given up a woman who - on paper anyway - is everything I ever wanted.

 

What I fear the most - today - is that I'm still attracted to her. I can't even look at her when we're together. I fear that physical attraction will never go away and I will be tortured my entire life whenever I see her (we have 2 small boys to share).

 

She moved out - leaving me in the house for now which you'd think was a blessing but, in reality, is more of curse. Its a constant reminder of her. I've taken down literally everything on the walls (pictures, kids art).

 

At night my crying echoes from room to room. It feels like more of an asylum than a home.

 

 

It awful isn't it, you will find in time that when you look at her you won't see the woman you loved n married ...you will see the new her, you'll end up feeling very little....I don't feel much when I see my Ex now, maybe a bit of sadness if I see him from a distance, when I see him up close, seeing his body language/attitude I see a stranger...makes me feel nothing!

 

Try not to see her, I know it's hard but it is possible and it makes the early days less painful with minimal contact

[Shocked Suzie]

hi

 

As I look on last night high, which of cause didn't last this morning, but I still draw hope from it a bit.

 

This morning is now all about her, and what I have lost.

 

What a loss that is. It’s her birthday today, and I sent her a text."Happy Birthday"

 

I got a “thanks”, then minutes later a work type text, all mater of fact. (We run a business together only via email, as I can’t talk to her)

 

It hurts there is no tenderness left, no love. NOTHING

 

 

All I wanted was a chance to make things better, just one single chance.

 

WHY didn't she at least give it a go, we could have sort help or something.

 

I wish I could turn my love off. Flick a switch to OFF

 

I can feel that burning feeling in my blood, rising up, it really doesn’t pay to send texts, I hate email from her about work. BUT I have to work, or else

 

I’m in a worse mess than now.

 

I have to see work as a tool for me. Remember its half mine.

 

It buys me time; it makes my NEW life flexible. I hate working from home,adds to the loneliness of every thing.

 

But does nothing for the No contact rule. That’s my additional burden in allthis.

 

TailSpin75, worldgonewrong, ShockedSuzie, aMguilts all who have posted!

 

What would I do without your support. Not be this far on that’s for sure.THANK

 

YOU I really mean that.

 

I want to hate her, get angry, but its just not there.

 

But I miss my old life so much.

 

 

Tom

 

Yes your post helps myself and many others, we're all in the same boat..your post highlights how much I've moved forward so that in its self gives me strength.

 

I'm still yet to feel real anger for my Ex, I've had the odd day where I could happily punch him in the face lol but I've not experienced real hate....I'm more disappointed.... Ummmm more like what planet Is he on...what an idiot....frustration is what I feel!

 

It's so natural to analyze yourself, the situation, her ..... The list is endless, it gets better

 

Working from home will make it hard...must be hard to get motivated! I really think you need to get up and out every working "morning" for a good walk, with some hills to get your heart rate going. I cant express how much this helps me! (Must have hills or stairs) when I reach the top I feel the weight lifting off my

shoulders, you feel pumped it's good. There are days I get back and hit a low...but most of the time I don't, if I don't walk I notice a huge flatness

happen

[Tom amoss]

Thanks Shocked Suzie

 

errrrrrrrrrrr, so hard today.

I know why, birthday, not that I am thinking on it, just thinking.

Can't get a grip.

 

My poor neighbours have seen me 4 times today, I don't know what I would do without them.

So greatful for their support.

I hope they don't get fed up with me.

 

But i'm so aware that it can get hard for them.

 

But patience,patience,patience, ride it, keep carm. errrrrrrrr

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

Tom

Edited April 25, 2013 by Tom amoss

[TailSpin75]

Hi Tom - I've been a big pusher of journaling as it's something that works for me... at the same time I'm aware that it's not going to work for everyone. Have you tried this yet?

 

I've seen in several of your posts now some concern about bending the ears of others too frequently. Believe me - I think we all feel that way for awhile, it's truly 'all consuming'. For me, the journaling allows me to get out some of the thoughts and feelings and lets me figure out which ones may be more persistent - those are the ones I talk about.

 

I had never journaled before 'this' - but it's something I've done everyday for the past 5 months. It's just a method to help cope, vent, and purge. You can be honest, unedited, raw - a written snapshot of your thoughts, feelings, and 'current mood'. I still look back at mine from time to time - I'm a witness to my own progress.

[Bluesandy]

Sorry about my acccent, I am from France initially..

Hi Tom, sorry for you, same thing happened to me after 23 years of marriage last february, 3 beautiful daughters, and my wife left the house the very same day I was coming back from a 10 days business trip to Europe. Her explanation ? She felt miserable, wanted a change in her life and needed to rethank her whole life, so didn't know if she was coming back or not, but the chance were pretty slim... She even told me she didn't love me anymore for years, which was very srprising, because we had plan for the future and had fun as usual for years... My girls and me were shocked, but we let her leave for a girlfriend's place...She said she had nobody in her life, I even talked about her boss I knew they were very closed but told me there were nothing at all and it wasn't the reason...After one month of emotional rollercoster where she kept telling she was living on her girlfriends places moving all the time, we discovered little by little that she actually left to live in an hotel with her boss who had left his family as well... hugh... another punch in the stomach, but which explained a lot why it was such a hurry after 23 year of wedding to leave the house.. And the month before the split, she was still telling me she loved me and we made love even before I left for Europe... She hit 45 when I was in Europe(for what I discovered, her boss invited her for her birthday and give her a nice watch %$?%$?%$?), and I guess, she was very disturbed by the age thing.. plus her boss pressured her for months to leave me, keeping complementing her about how she was exceptional and so on (I discoved that afterward as well).... That something you use to neglect avec 23 year, so I could not compete at the same level.....

Sad, but reading all these posts for month, I discovered that what happened to us, Tom are not really isolated cases....

However, I must admit that the very next day she left the house, I registered to a dating website (cause I didn't want to stay in that destroyed mod), and after searching for a couple of weeks, started to date an amazing redhair lawyer, and even if it was pretty hard in the beginning, the fact she was so different for my wife, so beautiful, so full of emotion, cause she passed through a divorce as well, and the pain we passed through is so intense that usually, it looks like we connect more easily with our new mates in term of affection and emotion. I am dating her for a month, and I can tell you, I am every evening with her, fooling around and more... for sure, after the tsunami, I am less into a sexual trip (even if we do it sometimes at least lol) than a fully emotional adventure, but that's what I needed for now (she might be a little frustrated for now, but understand the situation and is very patient...).. I think the sex will come later on when my brain will get more washed from my wife, so in a few months , but for now, I am on a cloud with my new mate... In a lot of aspect, physical and emotional atraction, she brought me so much more than when I was with my wife that she is curing me day after day... For sure, my kids doesn't want to see neither the boss of my wife, nor my new mate, but I have to respect that..So I neeed to go to her place instead of her going to my place, but nevermind, I am feeling so good in her arms.. we keep kissing for hours, even in public lol It is like the lack of true desire and affection of the end of my marriage plus the tsunami which came after let us with a huge hole of emotions........

That's my experience Todd...... So my advice, take your courage, and try to find a date which will fullfill your huge lack of emotion you have right now... Whether your wife has left alone, of for someone, which could be highly possible, do it for your self......

Courage...

André

Edited April 25, 2013 by Bluesandy

[Tom amoss]

Hi André

 

Thanks for your story, it's sad.

But what you talk about in the dating thing,

I don't know, I really don't.

I'm married and take that seriously.

 

I suppose "What if there is a chance that she will not enjoy this new life she wants so much", How long do i wait, 6 months? one Year ?

Don't wait just go out dating as you say?

Does this sort of out come even happen.

 

I wouldn't want to jeopardize that if it's possable.

 

yes it would fill the loneliness.

 

I don't know!

 

Tom

[Tom amoss]

Hi Tom - I've been a big pusher of journaling as it's something that works for me... at the same time I'm aware that it's not going to work for everyone. Have you tried this yet?

 

I've seen in several of your posts now some concern about bending the ears of others too frequently. Believe me - I think we all feel that way for awhile, it's truly 'all consuming'. For me, the journaling allows me to get out some of the thoughts and feelings and lets me figure out which ones may be more persistent - those are the ones I talk about.

 

I had never journaled before 'this' - but it's something I've done everyday for the past 5 months. It's just a method to help cope, vent, and purge. You can be honest, unedited, raw - a written snapshot of your thoughts, feelings, and 'current mood'. I still look back at mine from time to time - I'm a witness to my own progress.

 

 

 

Thanks

 

I haven't but I know you said about it before, I will give it a try.

 

I guess I’m using this forum for it in a way.

 

I keep talking about it to friends and neighbours all the time, but it must be very wearing for them. I hope this doesn’t happen here.

 

Tom

[Bluesandy]

Hi Tom, I was sliced in piece with the same remorse.... I was scared that if she would have discovered my relation with my date, it would have ended for ever any chance of return.

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT

1. When I discovered she was with someone, I knew it was hopeless to wait, at least for several months and even years... And even if she split with her boss in the future, she might not return anyway.... And the fact she would hear about my mate was pointless cause if she is with another man, meaning she is better there and don't really care what I would have done or not...

2. If your wife has left for nobody, what I highly doubt (and even if it is the case), may be she is in love with someone, who may be don't know about it, or still don't have left his family, explaining why she live alone, so it could be be a married man.. if not, they would stick together all the time)... If she is really not with someone, I have seen that case with a friend of mine, they had no hurry to split, they stayed together till the final separation of goods which took about two months. They stayed separated for a year, she was still alone, my friend falled in love with someone else and warned her and she said again to him she didn't care about his date, and she wants only his hapiness (hard to hear), so he dated this girl for 4 months and had a lot of fun... then she began to be more nervous, and after 4 months, asked him to come back because she was missing him (may be she was scarred their relation would be over for ever without any possibility of coming back) so she came back with him, and he left his date. And they are reunited for six months now... So you see.... she didn'tcame back because he stayed alone, but because she realized she could lose him for good... So don't have any remorse... She won't come back if you stay alone.... no point.... she left you because your relation wasn't satisfying for her... and she came back because she felt he changed and moved on....

So please.. my advice is whatever you think about preserving your marriage, you don't have any interst to stay alone...

Finding a new date will give you the affection you need deadly actually, and the strength to pass through this hard time .... Please... I stil love my wife, but I am falling in love with this new girl... weird feeling... But I can handle the situation much more better now... I think I would still be so down if I didn't have met this girl.... Follow my advice, stop thinking she is coming back to you because you stay attached to the value of your marriage... she is definitively in another mood.....And you can't help her staying as the guy she has left... Move on... I know it is hard.... especially in the first weeks of my new relation, I kept thinking about my wife, and even now, when I am alone without her, I am getting so down.. But less and less...That's the beauty of life... You are certainly someone who deserve better than wait forever something which might never come back....

Edited April 25, 2013 by Bluesandy

[Tom amoss]

burning me up what's shes doing tonight on her birthday.

Makes me cry.

 

Can't wait for tomorrow

 

Tom

[TailSpin75]

Thanks

 

I haven't but I know you said about it before, I will give it a try.

 

I guess I’m using this forum for it in a way.

 

I keep talking about it to friends and neighbours all the time, but it must be very wearing for them. I hope this doesn’t happen here.

 

Tom

 

Hi Tom - I do not believe that will happen here - we all understand (as best we can) what the emotional roller coaster is like.

 

I recommend journaling because it helped me to cope without involving others; just an approach that I took on and found to be a benefit. I have learned enough now to know that 'these moments' pass but when I'm in them - I'm usually in my journal.

[Bluesandy]

Just hope for you that she is not doing for her birthday what mine has done with hers ;-(

I second the journalism things.. several people told me that, but I rather prefered the real new girl thing.. everybody is different... I prefer cuddling than writing lol

Edited April 25, 2013 by Bluesandy