Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[jack_oneill_sg1]

You are a BETTER person than I!

 

No, I am not better than anyone. We all have our positives and our faults.

 

This may still not all work our but I have my fingers crossed she sticks to her word and doesn't fight and we can all move on amicably.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

I do wonder if there were never any signs of her being unfaithful since your "wife" cheated for so long.

 

We had out fights like any couple. I am sure I did many things that may have not been perfect.

 

She did express on more than one occasion that she was bored and lonely when I was away. What she never expressed was that she wanted me to chuck in the job and stay home (which I would have done). She wanted her lifestyle as did I and I worked to achieve that goal, what I didn't expect was that her boredom and loneliness while I was away would turn into a series of affairs. Foolish now that I look back but I wont dwell on it I will just learn so it doesn't happen again.

 

I wish you strength and the love of a good woman when you are ready to date again.

 

My secretary whom I mentioned much earlier in this thread has always had a thing for me. I could not work with her with the constant flirting and had her transferred nearly three years ago. She has heard what has happened and got back in contact and said she wanted to meet up.

 

It is way too early for me to even consider that but it does wonders for ones self confidence when you know that you are not on the scrap heap just yet.

[CantgetoveritNY]

We had out fights like any couple. I am sure I did many things that may have not been perfect.

 

She did express on more than one occasion that she was bored and lonely when I was away. What she never expressed was that she wanted me to chuck in the job and stay home (which I would have done). She wanted her lifestyle as did I and I worked to achieve that goal, what I didn't expect was that her boredom and loneliness while I was away would turn into a series of affairs. Foolish now that I look back but I wont dwell on it I will just learn so it doesn't happen again.

 

 

 

My secretary whom I mentioned much earlier in this thread has always had a thing for me. I could not work with her with the constant flirting and had her transferred nearly three years ago. She has heard what has happened and got back in contact and said she wanted to meet up.

 

It is way too early for me to even consider that but it does wonders for ones self confidence when you know that you are not on the scrap heap just yet.

 

Holy cow! Have your fun with that secretary and whoever else is on the menu for you but as far as a relationship goes, seriously? She was after you while you were married? You know she is as toxic as your WW right? Happy hunting though. But please, don't poach. Stay away if she is an MW. Even if she wants you an MW should be off the menu. You of all people should understand that.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

as far as a relationship goes

 

As far as a relationship goes she is not even on my radar.

 

She was after you while you were married?

 

As I mentioned in an earlier post she often traveled with me and made it clear that she would be ready and willing it I was to want it.

 

But please, don't poach. Stay away if she is an MW.

 

She is 12 years my junior and is happily single (unless things have changed from three years ago).

[Shocked Suzie]

Holy cow! Have your fun with that secretary and whoever else is on the menu for you but as far as a relationship goes, seriously? She was after you while you were married? You know she is as toxic as your WW right? Happy hunting though. But please, don't poach. Stay away if she is an MW. Even if she wants you an MW should be off the menu. You of all people should understand that.

 

 

Agreed 'toxic'!!! Why anyone wants to come onto a married man/woman with kids is lowest of the low...makes my blood boil!

[troubadour]

Killed his wife? I never suggested that!

 

She is left with her actions representing who she is - the kids have a right to feel what they feel...

 

If that means they are angry at her for what she's done - then that is for her to repair.

 

 

No, you didn't suggest that but you seem to be so angry that you were hardly rational in your previous post:

 

 

"My hope is that your kids don't have to be exposed to the slut that she really is.

 

And you should be sure they don't have to be around her if she's up to her old tricks - which she will be.

 

I can't see how that would be a good influence on them."

 

 

She did what she did but I can assure you that OP's children still love her and they need and want her in their life. Her moral compass is clearly broken but she is the person who was taking care of them every day and they love her for that. When they look at her they see their mom.... you see a slut only.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

When they look at her they see their mom.... you see a slut only.

 

Words of wisdom

[chucksagent]

The most unforgiveable thing to me is that she went 10 years being a common whore and just ALLOWING you to be the good and moral husband. You missed out on 10 years of life!!! That is SUCH a long time, and what she did, to me, is borderline criminal. Robbing someone of 10 years of their life while she is out parading around town being the village potato chip bag.

 

Let's call it like it is...and that's how it is. Kids or not, she deserves NO SYMPATHY! NO FORGIVENESS! NO UNDERSTANDING! She was evil. Bottom line.

[troubadour]

The most unforgiveable thing to me is that she went 10 years being a common whore and just ALLOWING you to be the good and moral husband. You missed out on 10 years of life!!! That is SUCH a long time, and what she did, to me, is borderline criminal. Robbing someone of 10 years of their life while she is out parading around town being the village potato chip bag.

 

Let's call it like it is...and that's how it is. Kids or not, she deserves NO SYMPATHY! NO FORGIVENESS! NO UNDERSTANDING! She was evil. Bottom line.

 

 

There is no guarantee that OP's new romantic interest won't cheat on him. Actually, the chance of the same thing happening to him again is about 50%.... this is the reality we live in today.

[2sunny]

No, you didn't suggest that but you seem to be so angry that you were hardly rational in your previous post:

 

 

"My hope is that your kids don't have to be exposed to the slut that she really is.

 

And you should be sure they don't have to be around her if she's up to her old tricks - which she will be.

 

I can't see how that would be a good influence on them."

 

 

She did what she did but I can assure you that OP's children still love her and they need and want her in their life. Her moral compass is clearly broken but she is the person who was taking care of them every day and they love her for that. When they look at her they see their mom.... you see a slut only.

 

You have no idea what I see - so stop putting words in my mouth and defining how I feel.

 

You couldn't be more wrong about me.

 

I was working from the words the OP typed himself.

[2sunny]

Usually an initial reaction is the true emotion. Now - after digesting it - the OP is no longer wanting to use his original word to describe his serial cheating wife.

 

He doesn't yet have years of proof that she will no longer cheat again.

 

So we don't know if she's yet truly going to change - or not.

 

Time will show what she does or doesn't do to make change happen.

[2sunny]

Any update?

 

Did you decide to take your W back?

[AnotherRound]

I guess the title says it all. I am the classic naive guy who thought everything was great. Great wife, great family, great sex life… you know the drill.

 

I just found out that I am the laughing stock of our area. While I am out working hard to provide my wife is home playing housemaker….and slut.

 

The next door neighbor, her trainer, two of her best friends husbands, one of our kids teachers, heck it might be easier to list the ones she hasn’t slept with.

 

I’ve left, moved out, my life in tatters. I’m scared for my kids now this has all come out. I’m embarrassed to face my family and friends.

 

I don’t even know why. She herself says everything was great. Well I do know a reason if you can call it that, she says she just likes variety. Well that’s just great, 19 years of marriage, 4 wonderful kids, a bright future all gone in a flash.

 

I’ll give her credit though, once caught she didn’t try and hide it, she didn’t spare my feelings, she told me it all. Well I hope all, I couldn’t take any more. Ten years this has been going on, ten years I have been a fool, ten years some of these people have been friends and looked me in the eye every day.

 

So what do I do now? Living in a hotel, being a recluse, no friends, no one I can trust. She has the kids, she’ll get the house, she’ll get part of my paycheck and she’ll keep being a slut. I did nothing wrong and I lose everything!

 

It just doesn’t pay to be the nice guy. I mean over the years I’ve had opportunities but always knocked them back because I was a loving, caring, trustworthy guy. And while I’m away on a business trip knocking back advances from my secretary she’s at home ****ing any one of a dozen people. What sort of a fool was I?

 

So first I get tested for diseases from the dirty slut. Then a paternity test for all the kids. Then fight tooth and nail to keep whatever I can from her.

 

Anything else?

 

Saying "that sucks" seems like such an understatement here. I agree with other posters - move back in, keep the house. Are you in a fault divorce state by any chance? I know it doesn't always play out fair, even in those states, but if she cheated, and you can prove it, and you are in a fault divorce state - you might be able to salvage some.

 

I'm really sorry - I totally understand not wanting to give up what you have earned bc your spouse didn't hold up their end of the bargain... ugh. Hope it works out for you...

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Any update?

 

Did you decide to take your W back?

 

I have made it clear there is no marriage any longer, I have even briefly posted about our very preliminary discussions regarding settlement. Why then, would you ask if I had taken her back? Do you think I will do that?

 

As for the update, things are progressing slowly. Not much has changed really except that she is accepting more and more each day that the marriage is over and there will be no reconciliation.

 

The kids understand (as much as they can) what has happened and that mum and dad wont be living together anymore. They are not all happy about it but they are accepting.

 

I quit my job so I would no longer need to travel but the company wouldn't let me go, they offered my a change of position to a job that did not involve traveling, I knocked it back. They then offered me a job where I could work two weeks from the office and two weeks from home with a very minimal pay cut. I do lose the company car though. I thanked them and took up this offer. So now I will be always home for my kids.

 

I have gone on a couple of dates with my ex secretary. She is very supportive and a great shoulder to lean on. We are just friends, nothing has happened, she has made it clear that she is willing when I am ready but I am not even close to being ready just yet. My wife knows about these dates and is not very happy about them (according to her sister). I know it's not very nice, but I sort of feel good that she doesn't like it. I know that's childish but it's just how I feel.

 

I will endeavor to update this through to it's conclusion in the hope that it may help anyone in a similar situation reading it one day.

[Try]

There is no guarantee that OP's new romantic interest won't cheat on him. Actually, the chance of the same thing happening to him again is about 50%.... this is the reality we live in today.

Your 50% adultery statistic is way too high and based on sources that are not in line with the norm. Most studies put the number for males at just over 20% and for females at just under 20%, with females closing the gap in recent years. I know that it makes many who have been cheated on feel better to believe the higher numbers when they seek reconciliation, but that does not make it true.

 

There are lies, dam lies, and Internet statistic not backed up by major university data. I do not doubt your honesty, just the sources of your data. There are no major universities studies in the last 20 years that support the overly high numbers sometimes thrown around on the Internet that 50% of men will cheat during the course of their marriage. Sites often arrive at these highly inflated infidelity numbers ones of three main ways. They quote from other sites without verifying the validity of the data; thus false data spreads like a virus throughout the Internet. They quote old and discredited data. Or three, they misquote data from other studies. An example of this third way is that although one university study did show that 50% of men admit to being unfaithful during their lifetime, these men are including such things as kissing another girls while having a girlfriend; once you look at just the married data in this same study, the percentage drops dramatically. Below are two major university studies done in recent years that support the far lower married infidelity numbers. These universities are major well respected research centers.

 

University of Chicago:

How many men and women have ever cheated on a spouse? That number is just 15 to 18 percent.

The numbers interviewed: Close to 15,000 since study began in 1988.

The source: The latest information compiled and reported by the National Opinion Research Center (NORC) at the University of Chicago in November 2009.

Infidelity Fast Facts, Love: fewer than 20 percent ever cheat - National Love and marriage | Examiner.com

 

Indiana University:

Researchers from Indiana University in Bloomington reported that 19 percent of women and 23 percent of men reported cheating, statistics that seem to reflect a closing of the cheating gender gap.

Women Cheating About As Often As Men, Says Study - ABC News

[HotRod1963]

 

University of Chicago:

How many men and women have ever cheated on a spouse? That number is just 15 to 18 percent.

The numbers interviewed: Close to 15,000 since study began in 1988.

The source: The latest information compiled and reported by the National Opinion Research Center (NORC) at the University of Chicago in November 2009.

Infidelity Fast Facts, Love: fewer than 20 percent ever cheat - National Love and marriage | Examiner.com

 

Indiana University:

Researchers from Indiana University in Bloomington reported that 19 percent of women and 23 percent of men reported cheating, statistics that seem to reflect a closing of the cheating gender gap.

Women Cheating About As Often As Men, Says Study - ABC News

 

Unless they did polygraph test do not trust those numbers. People tend to forget their misdeeds and this is the shocker; "will lie". While I don't buy 50% the 23% and 19% does not pass the eye test of what I have seen, what I know and what I have heard. I am not buying it.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

I have gone on a couple of dates with my ex secretary. She is very supportive and a great shoulder to lean on. .

 

As I recall from your previous posts that secretary is a skank. You said so. Do what you want to have comfort with a skank but please don't think that bc you had such a horrible wife you should settle in with a skank of a secretary. You can and should (for your kids and yourself) do better.

[2sunny]

It would be wise to process the pain and shock of the M ending before considering dating. And give yourself time to grieve what is gone.

 

 

Can you wait until the D is final to "date" further?

 

And yes, I thought that since you took steps on the board to change words to soften the reality of what your W did - that maybe you got soft and was considering taking her back...mainly because there wasnt much of an update... My bad - glad you're staying strong.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

"date"

 

I think I may need to choose my words more carefully.

 

I called it a date but it was just two friends hanging out. What do you call that? There was no romance, we never kissed or anything like that but I am aware that she would be open to such moves.

 

From my side at least, I am just enjoying time with someone whom I have many similar interests. I resisted previously because of her interest in me but now am free to explore those similar interest. I have no intention of pursuing this relationship romantically but see no reason not to explore the friendship side.

[wifehurtheart]

I have made it clear there is no marriage any longer, I have even briefly posted about our very preliminary discussions regarding settlement. Why then, would you ask if I had taken her back? Do you think I will do that?

 

As for the update, things are progressing slowly. Not much has changed really except that she is accepting more and more each day that the marriage is over and there will be no reconciliation.

 

The kids understand (as much as they can) what has happened and that mum and dad wont be living together anymore. They are not all happy about it but they are accepting.

 

I quit my job so I would no longer need to travel but the company wouldn't let me go, they offered my a change of position to a job that did not involve traveling, I knocked it back. They then offered me a job where I could work two weeks from the office and two weeks from home with a very minimal pay cut. I do lose the company car though. I thanked them and took up this offer. So now I will be always home for my kids.

 

I have gone on a couple of dates with my ex secretary. She is very supportive and a great shoulder to lean on. We are just friends, nothing has happened, she has made it clear that she is willing when I am ready but I am not even close to being ready just yet. My wife knows about these dates and is not very happy about them (according to her sister). I know it's not very nice, but I sort of feel good that she doesn't like it. I know that's childish but it's just how I feel.

 

I will endeavor to update this through to it's conclusion in the hope that it may help anyone in a similar situation reading it one day.

 

I applaud the steps you have taken to be there for your kids. They are caught in the middle of this mess through no fault of their own, and anything you (and your WW) can do to keep their worlds as safe and stable as possible should be a number one priority.

 

Regarding your "dates" with your ex-secretary, you are going through a very traumatic experience right now that you never expected to go through. Please take a little time to mentally confirm to yourself your worth as a human being and as a father before you look for validation from others.

 

"Revenge" affairs usually don't do much of anything for anybody.

Edited April 21, 2013 by wifehurtheart

[troubadour]

Your 50% adultery statistic is way too high and based on sources that are not in line with the norm. Most studies put the number for males at just over 20% and for females at just under 20%, with females closing the gap in recent years. I know that it makes many who have been cheated on feel better to believe the higher numbers when they seek reconciliation, but that does not make it true.

 

About 6~8 months ago I had a disscussion with my former girlfriend and her female friend, both successful, Chicago based psychiatrists, about procentage of married people who cheat today. Based on their experience they estimated (sophisticated guess) that about 40~50% married people between age of 18 and 50 have been involved in some form of infidelity that ranges from having a full blown affair to light make up session with a co-worker in parking lot after a few drinks.

 

They both were perfectly aware of the "official" statistics but dismissed them as way too low.

 

Based on my own experience I agree with both of them. I gave up getting involved with married women a long time ago but I can see how many of them are loking for some adventure on side.

 

Just my $0.0199.

[firemanq]

About 6~8 months ago I had a disscussion with my former girlfriend and her female friend, both successful, Chicago based psychiatrists, about procentage of married people who cheat today. Based on their experience they estimated

 

Just my $0.0199.

 

I would say that the experiences of your lady friends would be skewed because of their work. Most of us will never see a psychiatrist, or a counseler, until we have a trauma that causes us to seek mental or emotional support.

[Try]

About 6~8 months ago I had a disscussion with my former girlfriend and her female friend, both successful, Chicago based psychiatrists, about procentage of married people who cheat today. Based on their experience they estimated (sophisticated guess) that about 40~50% married people between age of 18 and 50 have been involved in some form of infidelity that ranges from having a full blown affair to light make up session with a co-worker in parking lot after a few drinks.

Your psychiatrist friends are not seeing a random sampling of married people. By definition, happily married people do not seek MC. Look if you want to believe anecdotal numbers, over the many university researcher studies involving thousand of people that consistently show similar numbers at approximately 20%, so be it. My own anecdotal numbers would put it at under 10%, but then again since we tend to hang around happy couples, I know that what we see (or know about) does not give us the full picture.

[BeholdtheMan]

I have made it clear there is no marriage any longer, I have even briefly posted about our very preliminary discussions regarding settlement. Why then, would you ask if I had taken her back? Do you think I will do that?

Most posters here mean well...

 

They're afraid in a moment of weakness, you'll cave in

[jack_oneill_sg1]

We had the lie detector test yesterday.

 

To my surprise she passed every question. Well it was inconclusive on one.

 

To summarise, basically she has cheated and cheated a lot (but we already knew that).

 

She has not slept with another man in over a year and a half and they were only a "few" times a year (between 3 - 5 times) when she was doing it.

 

She has had continuing encounters with women though continuing right up until she was caught out. And we are talking a lot, 30 - 40 times a year.

 

She has never met a couple or had multiple partners at the same time.

 

She never met anyone else while I was home, it only ever happened while I was away.

 

She was asked if she loved me and if she was in love with me and passed both of those questions.

 

The question that came back inconclusive was "In regards to the men we have spoken about, did you always use condoms for penetrative intercourse?"

 

So it looks like she is finally telling the truth. Not that it matters, it too late, but at least I don't need to wonder how many others there are out there that I didn't know about.

 

More importantly, the kids are doing well. I spoke to their counselor and she says they are well adjusted and are dealing with what has happened as well as could be expected. She thinks that if my wife and I stay civil she cannot foresee any long term negative effects on the kids.

 

Oh, and you were all right about my ex secretary. She wasn't there for me, she just wanted sex. She kept hassling for it and when were alone together would strip down etc. We are no longer in contact. I don't have the time nor the energy to devote to someone who is demanding right now.