Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[todreaminblue]

Yes. I guarantee 100 percent that it will have zero effect. It's the immediate aftermath, he's on an internet forum, it isn't aimed directly at his wife and his children aren't reading it. His lawyer will make the case that he needed to vent and chose an appropriate outlet: by choosing this forum he hurt no one and was very considerate towards his exwife, who had just hurt him tremendously.

 

Zero effect.

 

 

how do you know his children wont read it......and not be upset, how do you know someone who knows his wife wont read it?....and recognize that is his wife.......maybe you're right and i am just being overly cautious.....but custody is huge ......children being with the best parent is huge, i know the op is hurt,and has a right to be ropeable, i just think its a risk not worth taking.......you dont see the risk and you could be right, it only takes a distraction though to leave a page up when you are hurt and angry for someone to read it...happened to me not long ago actually....not clear the history.......thats all i am saying......you can guarantee that it wont happen....i can't guarantee that it will or it wont.......so maybe you are right because you guarantee it, its just a vent after all.....i wouldnt put the kids on the line to prove a point...but that is me saying that as a mother who has full custody against a cheating ex..i didnt have to go to court...deb

[AlexDP]

how do you know his children wont read it......and not be upset, how do you know someone who knows his wife wont read it?....and recognize that is his wife.......maybe you're right and i am just being overly cautious.....but custody is huge ......children being with the best parent is huge, i know the op is hurt,and has a right to be ropeable, i just think its a risk not worth taking.......you dont see the risk and you could be right, it only takes a distraction though to leave a page up when you are hurt and angry for someone to read it...happened to me not long ago actually....not clear the history.......thats all i am saying......you can guarantee that it wont happen....i can't guarantee that it will or it wont.......so maybe you are right because you guarantee it, its just a vent after all.....i wouldnt put the kids on the line to prove a point...but that is me saying that as a mother who has full custody against a cheating ex..i didnt have to go to court...deb

 

The risk is nonexistent. And even if they did read it, the judge would still say he chose an appropriate outlet. He also didn't name her by name anyway..

[todreaminblue]

The risk is nonexistent. And even if they did read it, the judge would still say he chose an appropriate outlet. He also didn't name her by name anyway..

 

 

I have known judges who let ice whores have their kids unsupervised..is their justice in that..judges have bad days.....just like we do.i also know of another case where twins were left to starve to death in a cot unfed to me thats murder but insanity was pled...i know for a fact the mother who let those twins starve to death had just decided she didnt want them...the insanity plea stuck....and was believed, justice was not done by those kids..judges are not infallible..i wouldn't place faith in a judge to make the right decision or discount anything said done or written from being used..court gets ugly....sometimes its right and sometimes it is very wrong, one reason i gave up chasing a law path.....

 

 

the op needs good family law representation we can agree on that..deb......

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Why have talk now that could throw you off balance.

 

I can't give a logical answer to that question.

 

I guess I am just defaulting to what I know. We got together young at 19, married 4 years later. Been together 23 years, I don't know any other way.

 

Look honestly I miss her. I remember the good times we had and although much of it looks like it was clouded with a backdrop of deceit they are hard to just dismiss.

 

I have even played out the scenario in my head of reconciling. If she truly is remorseful, passes a lie detector test with no more revelations, then maybe I could keep my family together. Then I think 10 years!! This wasn't a get drunk and oops, sorry. This was 10 years!! I don't know whether I am a big enough person to put the past behind me and only look forward.

 

Right now I hate my wife but I don't want to hate her forever. She is the mother of my kids, she is a good mother apart from her lack of morals. She has been a good wife, I could never fault her, but again I was stupid and didn't know the truth so who am I to judge?

 

I think the days of monogamous marriages are numbered. All this pain and upheaval because of what she has done. If it wasn't so socially taboo maybe we could have discussed this before it happened. Many relationships seem to be more open than what they used to be. I thought ours was rock solid and we didn't need that outside stimulation but I guess my wife felt differently.

[BetrayedH]

I don't know Australia law but from what you describe, it sounds a lot like most states in the US.

 

I would reconsider on the frozen bank accounts. Everything you own, all the money in the bank, etc are probably considered marital assets. Regardless of her working status, she has a right to those assets as much as you do. Restricting her access to them paints you in a negative light.

 

If you want to do the right thing, set up your own account somewhere and split your paychecks with her. Once she has half of the money, request that she reimburse you for half of the expenses for the children (insurance, school lunches, etc). Keep receipts for everything. Don't bill her for your fun day trips to amusement parks, etc unless she has agreed to pay half in advance. And honestly, offer her 50/50 custody of the kids while you are separated. Most courts won't view her as an unfit mother unless she is a demonstrable danger to the children. You don't have that. You have proof that she's an unfit wife. It's her responsibility to find and pay for a place for them to stay overnight.

 

As for talking to her, I recommend only discussing the children, shared finances, and logistics of the separation/divorce. Politely refuse any conversations of a personal nature. Keep emotionally detached. You're not in a position to decide on reconciliation or divorce right now. Personally, I recommend delaying any decision on that for at least six months. Reconciliation is possible but you can ot forgive until you see true remorse (and that takes a long time to verify). Successful reconciliations are rare but they do happen. When it does, it takes 2-5 years. For now, wait and see and find out your options from your lawyer.

[Decorative]

I can't give a logical answer to that question.

 

I guess I am just defaulting to what I know. We got together young at 19, married 4 years later. Been together 23 years, I don't know any other way.

 

Look honestly I miss her. I remember the good times we had and although much of it looks like it was clouded with a backdrop of deceit they are hard to just dismiss.

 

I have even played out the scenario in my head of reconciling. If she truly is remorseful, passes a lie detector test with no more revelations, then maybe I could keep my family together. Then I think 10 years!! This wasn't a get drunk and oops, sorry. This was 10 years!! I don't know whether I am a big enough person to put the past behind me and only look forward.

 

Right now I hate my wife but I don't want to hate her forever. She is the mother of my kids, she is a good mother apart from her lack of morals. She has been a good wife, I could never fault her, but again I was stupid and didn't know the truth so who am I to judge?

 

I think the days of monogamous marriages are numbered. All this pain and upheaval because of what she has done. If it wasn't so socially taboo maybe we could have discussed this before it happened. Many relationships seem to be more open than what they used to be. I thought ours was rock solid and we didn't need that outside stimulation but I guess my wife felt differently.

 

Don't lower your expectations to match her poor behavior.

 

Monogamous marriage is not on the way out. People have always cheated. There has always been infidelity. It's a wrong decision and harmful to many people.

 

I know you are in pain, and what happened is horrible. It is.

 

But you can and should expect a person to be faithful and loving to you.

[Fugu]

I’ve left, moved out, my life in tatters. I’m scared for my kids now this has all come out. I’m embarrassed to face my family and friends.

 

I know it must be really a trying time right now, but do your best to keep your ego out of it. You don't need to feel embarrassed. You trusted, and someone violated your trust. That happens to just about everyone at one point or another, at least in some form. Not everyone gets cheated on, but everyone gets cheated somehow. Learn from it. Think about what you can do to spot the warning signs of this type of personality and move on.

 

So what do I do now? Living in a hotel, being a recluse, no friends, no one I can trust. She has the kids, she’ll get the house, she’ll get part of my paycheck and she’ll keep being a slut. I did nothing wrong and I lose everything!

 

You don't have to lose everything. You will definitely lose a lot, though, and I guess that's the risk we take when we take the plunge into married life these days. You just need to take time to figure out your next move. Move at your pace, not anyone else's, including hers.

 

It just doesn’t pay to be the nice guy.

 

Don't be one anymore. Don't be mean, but don't be nice, either. Don't just give up the kids, either. Work out the arrangement that you feel is fair and in the best interests of your children.

[2sunny]

Does your wife drink, do drugs and/or prescription medicine?

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Does your wife drink, do drugs and/or prescription medicine?

 

I don't see the relevance here. Getting drunk or stoned and doing something stupid may account for a one night stand but that is not what has happened here.

 

For the record though, in case I am missing the relevance, we both drink, we both have used recreational drugs (infrequently) and neither of us use any medication.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Monogamous marriage is not on the way out. People have always cheated. There has always been infidelity. It's a wrong decision and harmful to many people.

 

That is what I have always thought but I am questioning that right now.

 

It seems to me that if my wife was willing and able to discuss her desires some compromise could have been reached or at the very least I could have walked away before it happened.

 

Because society has deemed open relationships as "wrong" this sort of communication is not wide spread.

 

I am not sure how I woyld have reacted had my wife approached me, not very well I suspect, but I least I would have had my eyes open and could have made informed decisions rather than being decieved for the last 10 years. And if not for the pure luck that one of her conquests started dating another family member then I may never have known.

[2sunny]

That is what I have always thought but I am questioning that right now.

 

It seems to me that if my wife was willing and able to discuss her desires some compromise could have been reached or at the very least I could have walked away before it happened.

 

Because society has deemed open relationships as "wrong" this sort of communication is not wide spread.

 

I am not sure how I woyld have reacted had my wife approached me, not very well I suspect, but I least I would have had my eyes open and could have made informed decisions rather than being decieved for the last 10 years. And if not for the pure luck that one of her conquests started dating another family member then I may never have known.

 

So are you saying that you're willing to lower and or compromise your moral standards to adapt to her slutty behavior?

[jack_oneill_sg1]

So are you saying that you're willing to lower and or compromise your moral standards to adapt to her slutty behavior?

 

Well I am not prepared to do anything with her now, it's all too late.

 

What I am saying is if the taboos of discussing these sorts of issues were removed then my wife would have come to me to discuss.

 

I would probably have walked away right there and then but at least I would have had the choice instead of living a lie for the last ten years.

 

Having not actually been in the situation I am only hypothesizing. Who knows I may well have agreed to some form of open relationship.

 

I know too many people that have had marriages ruined and miss seeing their kids all because of a cheating spouse. I know in at least some (I am not saying a majority) of those cases the betrayed spouse would have been willing to discuss the opening up of the marriage.

 

I guess I am just thinking too much, trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

[Decorative]

Well I am not prepared to do anything with her now, it's all too late.

 

What I am saying is if the taboos of discussing these sorts of issues were removed then my wife would have come to me to discuss.

 

I would probably have walked away right there and then but at least I would have had the choice instead of living a lie for the last ten years.

 

Having not actually been in the situation I am only hypothesizing. Who knows I may well have agreed to some form of open relationship.

 

I know too many people that have had marriages ruined and miss seeing their kids all because of a cheating spouse. I know in at least some (I am not saying a majority) of those cases the betrayed spouse would have been willing to discuss the opening up of the marriage.

 

I guess I am just thinking too much, trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

 

Don't judge the state of the world by a liar's action.

 

Seriously. Your wife made horrible decisions.

 

An open marriage wasn't going to change the kind of destruction your wife set out on.

 

Look- betrayal is awful. I have had awful things happen to me- and this was the hardest to get over. Nothing else was close.

 

Give yourself some time to process this. And just know- nothing, nothing, nothing you did caused her to do this. This is her choice. You could not have accommodated or loved her away from her choices. She is damaged.

[2sunny]

Well I am not prepared to do anything with her now, it's all too late.

 

What I am saying is if the taboos of discussing these sorts of issues were removed then my wife would have come to me to discuss.

 

I would probably have walked away right there and then but at least I would have had the choice instead of living a lie for the last ten years.

 

Having not actually been in the situation I am only hypothesizing. Who knows I may well have agreed to some form of open relationship.

 

I know too many people that have had marriages ruined and miss seeing their kids all because of a cheating spouse. I know in at least some (I am not saying a majority) of those cases the betrayed spouse would have been willing to discuss the opening up of the marriage.

 

I guess I am just thinking too much, trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

 

 

You may not be thinking clearly - I hope you will seek counseling to help sort things out and gain clarity.

 

I think you seem full of fear and now are too willing to lower your standards. That's not a healthy approach to her bad behavior.

[Bryanp]

If this has been going on for 10 years wouldn't it be wise to get paternity testing on your children?

[2sunny]

Well I am not prepared to do anything with her now, it's all too late.

 

What I am saying is if the taboos of discussing these sorts of issues were removed then my wife would have come to me to discuss.

 

I would probably have walked away right there and then but at least I would have had the choice instead of living a lie for the last ten years.

 

Having not actually been in the situation I am only hypothesizing. Who knows I may well have agreed to some form of open relationship.

 

I know too many people that have had marriages ruined and miss seeing their kids all because of a cheating spouse. I know in at least some (I am not saying a majority) of those cases the betrayed spouse would have been willing to discuss the opening up of the marriage.

 

I guess I am just thinking too much, trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

 

It all went wrong because her moral compass is completely broken! That's NOT your fault! But choosing to stay NOW would be all on you - and a horrible choice to make.

 

Open your eyes and get busy taking action - you have much work to do!

[road]

Mandatory DNA paternity testing. WW lie. For all you know WW could have been cheating since you started dating her.

[chucksagent]

I am so sorry to hear about this brother...it's a scary world and I have some stories I've seen lately that would make your head spin...very similar to what you had happen...

 

I'm a VERY analytical person and I take stock of EVERYTHING I read and see...

 

Let me tell you something...

 

I know for a 100% fact about a man who is a sex kingpin...Has 1000's of emails, texts, messages, voicemails, that he played for a friend of mine in confidence (friend broke it and told me), my buddy said CRAZIEST stuff he ever saw...

 

This SEX KINGPIN...is a 49 year old MUSIC TEACHER and is about the most AVERAGE looking dude you would ever see....He is married...he has MULTIPLE children...and he's been sleeping with TONS of all kinds of women on the side.

 

Nobody...and I mean NOBODY has any clue. IMAGINE his poor wife ever found out?!?! I'm not close to either one of them at all and not near their age (friends of a friend of a friend kinda thing)...

 

I've seen a girl I went to HS with...married a guy 10 years older...have 2 kids...a colleague of mine has a brother who works with her...at their office shes slept around, screwed guys in the parking garage, in broom closets, at happy hour in the bar bathroom...and you would NEVER guess this from this girl!!! I've known her since 2nd grade and if you asked me and put a gun to my head I'd of said NEVER would she be capable of this...

 

Whats the moral of the story??? The world is a CRAZY place...and my buddies and I'm sure lots of you would say "These are small isolated incidents." And I would say to you, of people I know, I think I can say MORE have divorced AND/OR cheated on husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend (and nobody find out) then people I know STILL married and happy....so WHAT does that tell you?!?!?!?

 

OP - let me ask you...

 

Your wife...

 

1) Is she hot and does not like confrontation?

2) Did she USED to be heavy/undesirable and become more desirable as an adult?

 

Because they can BOTH be indicators for behavior like that.

[Artie Lang]

your wife's been busy.

 

this is truly one of the most horrible stories I've read..... and that says a lot!

 

 

i really don't see how you take her back given the gravity of the situation, especially since everyone knows now. it's your choice though.

 

 

i suggest you move back into the home and se if you're able to continue with the marriage, as this is what you want, right?

 

 

horibble..... just horrible. i can't believe there are people like this amongst us. by this, i mean people who'd be willing to betray a "loved one" in such a way. not only that, but to betray you with friends..... to betray her own friends.

 

she's NEVER gonna live this down- NEVER!

Edited April 5, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Holyoak]

your wife's been busy.

 

this is truly one of the most horrible stories I've read..... and that says a lot!

 

 

i really don't see how you take her back given the gravity of the situation, especially since everyone knows now. it's your choice though.

 

 

i suggest you move back into the home and se if you're able to continue with the marriage, as this is what you want, right?

 

 

horibble..... just horrible. i can't believe there are people like this amongst us. by this, i mean people who'd be willing to betray a "loved one" in such a way. not only that, but to betray you with friends..... to betray her own friends.

 

she's NEVER gonna live this down- NEVER!

 

Very much agree, and wish the OP the very best!

[CantgetoveritNY]

Not recommended in your wife's case.

 

Those machines are quite expensive. If your wife is hooked up to one, she will literally blow it up in about ten seconds. Then you will have to pay the examiner for the cost of the ruined equipment.

 

Seriously? You have the sensitivity of a stone. This guy is hurting and you want to take this opportunity to show how stupid and immature you are? Nice.

[Jonah]

I don't see the relevance here. Getting drunk or stoned and doing something stupid may account for a one night stand but that is not what has happened here.

 

For the record though, in case I am missing the relevance, we both drink, we both have used recreational drugs (infrequently) and neither of us use any medication.

 

How much alcohol? Alcohol is a mind altering drug. My call is that it was a factor in my marriages demise. It was my choice to have those substances in our lives thus when it all fell apart I could connect the dots, take the blame, hold no fault.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Your wife...

 

1) Is she hot and does not like confrontation?

2) Did she USED to be heavy/undesirable and become more desirable as an adult?

 

Because they can BOTH be indicators for behavior like that.

 

I would consider my wife hot but then what husband wouldn't? She has never been 'heavy', in fact she is quite petite.

 

I don't think drawing a line between looks and morals is quite the way to look at it though.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

I think, with time, you'll recognize the signs from years ago when you've had time 2 take another look at the his2ry.

 

There is an event that happened around the time this all (apparently) started. I am far from a counselor but I can't connect the dots from that event to cheating.

 

Her twin sister and older brother died in a car accident. As terrible as that was and as hard as it has been to deal with I can't see how you go from that terrible grief to ongoing systematic cheating for ten years.

[AbeNormal]

Perhaps I have the sensitivity of a rock...

 

I think you need to move away from the "my wife is a slut" and towards ....

 

 

"my ex-wife is a slut".

 

Edit: Didn't see you last post before I sent this. But don't know whether it matters.

Edited April 6, 2013 by AbeNormal