Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[jack_oneill_sg1]

As has been touched on by a few posters I am struggling between my head and my heart.

 

My heart is telling me that I still want my wife. A mistake had happened, a huge one, but our love can get us through. I feel she is now being honest, she has come clean with much more than she needed to. She seems remorseful, she seems to want to reconcile, everything she has said since that day has been true as far as I can tell.

 

Of course that is my heart, my head is telling me I’m being an idiot if I even consider staying. I am a passionate person and it would be fair to say I would normally be ruled by my heart. I am finding it hard to stay strong at the moment.

 

As you are aware I have moved back home and she has moved out. She came over last night with a dinner she had cooked for all of us. She didn’t stay, she just dropped it off but she did give me a hug and kissed me on the check as she left. I pushed her away but I really, and I mean really , wanted to hug her back.

 

I cannot justify logically any of these feelings I have. I should hate her but I just don’t. I vary from being scared that I am going to be weak and cave in and reconcile with her to hating her guts then to actually wanting to reconcile.

 

It is too early to make any decisions and I will not until much later but my feelings are so strong. I guess that is what comes from over 20 years together.

 

Divorce lawyer tomorrow. She has organized counseling for us for tomorrow night which I won’t be going to but have been debating it with myself. My counselor has been moved to Friday. My wife has gone ahead and organized counselors for the kids for Saturday. She seems to be doing everything right. Maybe her indiscretions are behind her.

 

I am really concerned for my eldest daughter. While her anger is certainly not misplaced it is really over the top. Some posters mention about not bad mouthing the kids mother in front of them. I can tell you the things that have come out of my daughter’s mouth in the last few days would make a sailor blush. She is openly hostile to her mother. She has apologized to me on a few occasions for her not realizing what was going on so she could tell me. That just breaks my heart.

 

To those asking about paternity tests: Have decided against this, these are my kids no matter what. If a divorce gets ugly and knowledge of paternity is needed then I may go down that path. Right now, the kids are mine, they always will be. I cannot see any good in learning that one or more may not be biologically mine.

 

To the person that mention car accidents: The woman that attacked me, the one whose husband my wife slept with had a car accident. She has a broken arm and a few broken ribs. I am not sure whether it was related to what she is going through but I found it interesting when I read that post.

[Shocked Suzie]

No matter what you decide to do is up to you, but what you need to do is tell your wife to have some respect and back right off!!!! You need head space! And so do your kids....tell her she need to prove herself to you by respecting eve request you ask. By giving yourself some distance fro her you can then decide what it is that YOU want...not what she has decided is now what she wants!

 

I'm glad you've moved back home because that is where YOU should be not her...your kids need you, the person with stability and standards, not her. DO NOT move out of that house...ever!!

 

She is showing remorse because she has been caught no more no less...I'd be telling her to go to hell if it was me, life is too short for a person like this in your life....10years! And those other lives she has effected.

 

You need space and her to show you respect by giving you space...give yourself breathing space, your moving too fast.n

[ComingInHot]

Sg Jack, (by the way, love LOVED Stargate*)

 

I feel like I was close in my assessment of what you're struggling with and want you to know it could take years to figure out what you want to do. You DO have time to decide if your W stays or goes. From here on out, everything goes according to YOUR time frame (at least it Should).

 

After read in your last post, maybe just maybe, you have the strength and heart to reconcile. I hadn't considered R as an option from your earlier posts, but now, maybe.

 

The good news is you don't have to decide right now, or tomorrow, or next week or next year. You decide, when you know.

 

I'm glad she's doing all the right things!

Please know that time is your friend, at least w/this as you can work through your emotions and your W, well, anyone can be "good" for a while but if it's not sincere, well she'll eventually Show her spots again.. or not*

[Shocked Suzie]

Allow your daughter to vent too, this is what she needs to do... she also needs an adult away from this situation to chat to when she feels ready, just be there for her...hear what she needs to say and don't bitch about her mother, be honest with her but tactful too

[ComingInHot]

Shaun-Drop, " Very few women in this world will be faithful to man. Those exceptions feel like they have more to lose, therefore they won't cheat.

 

Since women are able to take care of themselves more than ever, and they get a piece of the pie in divorce settlements, this grants them opportunity to stray whenever they grow bored of their spouse or partner.

 

And this is especially true for the most attractive women, which is why I just have my fun with them and move on. You should do the same after going through this nonsense with the skank. Retire from Mr. Nice Guy for good."

 

Uhhhhh, No...

Does anyone know how to spell the sneeze sound w/the word b*llsh*t in it?

I'm a hot successful W & I haven't, aren't & won't cheat. It's wrong.

[Shaun-Dro]

Shaun-Drop, " Very few women in this world will be faithful to man. Those exceptions feel like they have more to lose, therefore they won't cheat.

 

Since women are able to take care of themselves more than ever, and they get a piece of the pie in divorce settlements, this grants them opportunity to stray whenever they grow bored of their spouse or partner.

 

And this is especially true for the most attractive women, which is why I just have my fun with them and move on. You should do the same after going through this nonsense with the skank. Retire from Mr. Nice Guy for good."

 

Uhhhhh, No...

Does anyone know how to spell the sneeze sound w/the word b*llsh*t in it?

I'm a hot successful W & I haven't, aren't & won't cheat. It's wrong.

 

Okay, so you're one of the select few, if there's any truth to what you say.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Just FYI

 

I have had the name of the thread changed from "My wife is a slut" to "Wife has been cheating for last 10 years"

 

I felt the use of slut was a little inappropriate.

[ComingInHot]

Shaun-Drop,

No worries. All is forgiven*

I'd question what it is that has happened to you to see All women in such a poor light but I'll just check out your past threads so as not to thread jack

 

Sg Jack,

You hang in*

[2sunny]

Just FYI

 

I have had the name of the thread changed from "My wife is a slut" to "Wife has been cheating for last 10 years"

 

I felt the use of slut was a little inappropriate.

 

It didn't seem inappropriate since your evidence shows your wife slept with most men she met... Quit minimizing her crappy behavior.

 

Your daughter seems on target - everyone should be blazing mad at your wife - especially you!

 

I'd suggest you stay in your home with your kids - since you didn't cheat! Make your wife settle into the rental you have.

 

Make her work too! You need her earning money so your support money isn't as big to her!

 

And I'd cut her off from accessing the family money! Make her earn what he intends to spend! Make her unfer for what he's done!

 

You were out earning money - and she was seeing a trainer then banging him - and YOU paid for that!

 

Jesus Christ - she's just as low as people get! Treat her as such!

[AbeNormal]

Just FYI

 

I have had the name of the thread changed from "My wife is a slut" to "Wife has been cheating for last 10 years"

 

I felt the use of slut was a little inappropriate.

 

 

OK. Why did you feel compelled to do that? Really, ...

[seibert253]

Jack I think you're doing great. Stay on course and don't be distracted by things your WW does, like bringing over dinner, and attempts at affection. Remember, your WW cheated we anyone and everyone.

 

Sometimes the damage is too great to be repaired.

[2sunny]

OK. Why did you feel compelled to do that? Really, ...

 

Because he's now taken to protecting her - and trying to cover up for her bad behavior.

 

And referring to her screwing many, many men - "a mistake"!

 

There was NO mistake! She was purposeful and calculating... All at your expense - AND your kids!!! There's no "mistake" in ANY of what she's done!!!

Edited April 7, 2013 by 2sunny

[Holyoak]

I call my wife a whore, and to her face... I'll be damned if I'm going to sugar coat EXACTLY what she is, by her own actions she has confessed to. Maybe hybrid the title:

 

"Wife had been a cheating slut for 10 years."

 

Call it like it is friend, and keep her feet to the fire.

[Lostinlife4now]

Just FYI

 

I have had the name of the thread changed from "My wife is a slut" to "Wife has been cheating for last 10 years"

 

I felt the use of slut was a little inappropriate.

 

 

 

Oh Jack...my heart goes out to you and your kids....

 

DO NOT TRUST HER NOW OR EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

 

No need to change the title....SLUT....Call it like you see it.

 

Why Why would you forgive someone who has deliberately set out to destroy you and your family?

 

Love......NOPE.....

 

Her selfishness......YES..... She needs THERAPY!!!!!

[Try]

I am really concerned for my eldest daughter. While her anger is certainly not misplaced it is really over the top. Some posters mention about not bad mouthing the kids mother in front of them. I can tell you the things that have come out of my daughter’s mouth in the last few days would make a sailor blush. She is openly hostile to her mother. She has apologized to me on a few occasions for her not realizing what was going on so she could tell me. That just breaks my heart.

I think I know what is going on here. My oldest brother was the one that told my mother about my dad's affair, but out of fear he kept his suspicions bottled inside for a long time before finally telling our mom. His fears were well founded in that his telling our mom eventually lead to divorce and my dad being a jerk and trying to blame my brother for the divorce.

 

Your eldest daughter is probably feeling guilty because she saw suspicious activity perhaps noticing something between your wife and neighbor. When she saw this suspicious activity she was confused and afraid and did not know what to do. Now she feels guilty that by her silence she betrayed you in some way. You need to reassure her that no matter what, you love her and do not blame her for anything.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

Because he's now taken to protecting her - and trying to cover up for her bad behavior.

 

There is at least reasonable doubt that calling your wife and the mother of your chidren a slut, on a public forum, is a good idea when you could be in court batting for custody. It might be ok. It might not. It might be an accurate description of the women but him saying it in public might not be in his best interests. Caution is advised at this point.

[2sunny]

I think I know what is going on here. My oldest brother was the one that told my mother about my dad's affair, but out of fear he kept his suspicions bottled inside for a long time before finally telling our mom. His fears were well founded in that his telling our mom eventually lead to divorce and my dad being a jerk and trying to blame my brother for the divorce.

 

Your eldest daughter is probably feeling guilty because she saw suspicious activity perhaps noticing something between your wife and neighbor. When she saw this suspicious activity she was confused and afraid and did not know what to do. Now she feels guilty that by her silence she betrayed you in some way. You need to reassure her that no matter what, you love her and do not blame her for anything.

 

Or it's just possible that the daughter is justifiably angry that mom has been a tramp with her actions for at least 10 years - and the D has every right to feel angry.

[Try]

Or it's just possible that the daughter is justifiably angry that mom has been a tramp with her actions for at least 10 years - and the D has every right to feel angry.

Although I agree with you as to why the daughter is angry, I was not commenting on the daughters anger toward her mom. I was commenting on what I had bold which was "She has apologized to me on a few occasions for her not realizing what was going on so she could tell me." Thus your comment on my post is off target since it addressed her anger, but did not address the topic of my post which is why the daughter felt the need to apologized. Edited April 7, 2013 by Try

[Darren Steez]

As has been touched on by a few posters I am struggling between my head and my heart.

 

My heart is telling me that I still want my wife. A mistake had happened, a huge one, but our love can get us through. I feel she is now being honest, she has come clean with much more than she needed to. She seems remorseful, she seems to want to reconcile, everything she has said since that day has been true as far as I can tell.

 

Of course that is my heart, my head is telling me I’m being an idiot if I even consider staying. I am a passionate person and it would be fair to say I would normally be ruled by my heart. I am finding it hard to stay strong at the moment.

 

As you are aware I have moved back home and she has moved out. She came over last night with a dinner she had cooked for all of us. She didn’t stay, she just dropped it off but she did give me a hug and kissed me on the check as she left. I pushed her away but I really, and I mean really , wanted to hug her back.

 

I cannot justify logically any of these feelings I have. I should hate her but I just don’t. I vary from being scared that I am going to be weak and cave in and reconcile with her to hating her guts then to actually wanting to reconcile.

 

It is too early to make any decisions and I will not until much later but my feelings are so strong. I guess that is what comes from over 20 years together.

 

Divorce lawyer tomorrow. She has organized counseling for us for tomorrow night which I won’t be going to but have been debating it with myself. My counselor has been moved to Friday. My wife has gone ahead and organized counselors for the kids for Saturday. She seems to be doing everything right. Maybe her indiscretions are behind her.

 

I am really concerned for my eldest daughter. While her anger is certainly not misplaced it is really over the top. Some posters mention about not bad mouthing the kids mother in front of them. I can tell you the things that have come out of my daughter’s mouth in the last few days would make a sailor blush. She is openly hostile to her mother. She has apologized to me on a few occasions for her not realizing what was going on so she could tell me. That just breaks my heart.

 

To those asking about paternity tests: Have decided against this, these are my kids no matter what. If a divorce gets ugly and knowledge of paternity is needed then I may go down that path. Right now, the kids are mine, they always will be. I cannot see any good in learning that one or more may not be biologically mine.

 

To the person that mention car accidents: The woman that attacked me, the one whose husband my wife slept with had a car accident. She has a broken arm and a few broken ribs. I am not sure whether it was related to what she is going through but I found it interesting when I read that post.

 

Don't understand you mate. 10 years is not a mistake. Thats 120 months. 480 weeks. 3360 days. Not with 1, not 2 but many people. Those are choices not mistakes. Those are carefully planned. meticulous duplicity. That's many encounters that not only put her at risk but you also. What if you had caught an STI, what about your kids? What about you?

 

Reconciliation is ultimately your choice. I wish you luck.

[2sunny]

I see - I misunderstood...

 

How could the D know when she didn't know?

 

All the more reason for her anger = Mom is a master liar.

[dreamingoftigers]

Although I agree with you as to why the daughter is angry, I was not commenting on the daughters anger toward her mom. I was commenting on what I had bold which was "She has apologized to me on a few occasions for her not realizing what was going on so she could tell me." Thus your comment on my post is off target since it addressed her anger, but did not address the topic of my post which is why the daughter felt the need to apologized.

 

Kids in general will take fault that belongs to their parents. They will feel like "they missed something" or "didn't do enough."

 

As for the "over the top" anger.

At 15 I would've exploded in an even bigger way.

 

As it was I found out at 26, two and a half months after my daughter was born.

 

My parents had to come to Ottawa for the birth. (uninvited) I told my mother that it was too late, I had already gone into labour. However, with my luck. I ended up in labour for three days. So they had enough time to hop a flight from Calgary.

 

As irritating as it was having my belligerent, narcissistic father in the same hospital, much less the same city, I tolerated it well but did not allow them in for the actual birth (duh).

 

Anyhow, right after the birth, my father, seemingly more or less not interested in the infant I brought into the world decided to start blabbing to each nurse about his "great accomplishments." How much money he made last year, about the 'thief' employee he caught (who later turned out to not be a thief at all, but she was already fired), how much his shirts and cologne cost.

 

My mother wanted to spend time with my new daughter and was fussing over her. As soon as the nurses were done, my father has no interest in staying and rushed my mother and sister back to the hotel.

 

The world revolved around my father for 30+ years. Everyone always had to be in tip-top shape to not set him off. And even still, it didn't work. He was self-absorbed, abusive and labelled himself the victim while he victimized others.

 

Anyhow, when I found out about the adultery, I spit in his face and whipped him with my metal dog leash. We ended up in quite the physical fight(I knew that would happen). Granted, I am some years older and wouldn't handle it at all the same way. In fact, my temper in general is very understated, not overstated. Any outbursts of temper have been recorded on Loveshack, LOL. (I am, in general, with the exception of two incidents, (the one with my father and the one time I caught my husband cheating) against violence (especially domestic) in ANY form.

 

I just could not stand that my father, who had made a trainwreck out of my family since the beginning. My mother had been his biggest supporter, tongue point of trowing myself and siblings under the his on many occasions. I was very angry at my mother for years about this.

 

But the adultery was just the last, stupid, ignorant selfish thing the was left for him to do to utterly destroy my mother and family. I snapped. And to be completely honest, I raged for a few weeks. I hated him so much and wanted him sentenced to a life of getting urinated on daily, with no shower available. He had treated EVERYONE I loved like crap since day one. He drove away my friends often. He isolated my mother, abused us kids (especially me), financially ruined me at 18, right out the gate by using credit in my name. He absolutely cratered my self-esteem growing up (and beyond). And when I was 16, he tried to kill me.

 

The adultery though was really the tipping point.

 

It showcased the ultimate selfishness at the expense of my family and it disgusted me how he flaunted it and then told everyone to shut up and take a hike. Especially my mother who had tried to help him clean up his emotional mess for 30+ years.

 

Unfortunately the family dynamic was so dysfunctional that my mother called me to take care of business and get mad where she couldn't. I did. I got very mad and blasted my Dad. I found out many details pertaining to the affair. I tracked his records down to two hotels. I found out about a car he had leased and insured for her. I found out about how she wanted him to buy her a car, (outright) and how he was planning to.

 

I even met his mistress. I let her know that "my mother was a very forgiving person and wished her no harm." I also told her that my mother was encouraging her to get tested because my father "had previously cheated, contracted herpes and brought it back to the family."

 

I told her that's where his psoriasis also came from (he has a really bad case of it). It was BS, but at least it got her freaked out.

 

I cracked his Facebook and deactivated it.

 

All of this of course was totally crazy. At the time I saw it justified. Honestly, my Dad is such a weirdo that the scorched-Earth approach actually made him proud. (just how screwed up is that?)

 

Truth be told, I would NEVER at this point repeat it. After a couple of weeks, I had it. I felt just weird. Like why couldn't my mother deal with her own mess? Why was I only "useful" or "good enough" when she needed someone to lean on because her main pillar gave way? Why couldn't she just be mad herself?

 

I had been away for many years and had barely any contact with them. I felt better that way than in the storm, raging on behalf of my mother toward my father. I stopped immediately. And decided that not only would I not draw the line at not being his victim anymore, I would never get involved between them again. If my mother wanted him to get hit with bricks, she would have to supply them. Not instruct me to do it so she could keep her hands clean to keep her "sainted" position.

 

I'm glad to say that my father actually did go to Amen Clinics for a brain scan. He was able to start reversing the alcohol damage he did to his brain. As well as get EMDR therapy, to help with the shame overdose that caused his NPD. he's one of the few NPDs I have even heard of going got treatment and sticking at it. But it was presented like, "wow how amazing you are that you did all of these great xyz things even though you had this brain trauma that you were a VICTIM of. Once you get rid of that brain trauma, you'll be even GREATER."

 

Well, his vanity couldn't turn that down. So he actually stuck with EMDR and has made a lot if great improvements. He isn't "healed" or "healthy" or "normal" by any stretch BUT he is actually a pretty good grandparent. Much better than he ever was a father.

 

As for your daughter and your wife, my family dynamic sounds much more extreme BUT your daughter is much younger AND either looked up to her Mom or is just sick to death of her selfishness.

 

Either one would give a strong case for raging anger.

 

If she really looked up to your wife, she would feel just as betrayed if not more by her actions. Your wife threatened the very foundational family that your daughter grew up in. It's disgusting to think about. Plus parents typically present themselves as moral guidance to their children. It makes your wife a pretty bad hypocrite to a kid who may not have discovered parents "humanity" by then.

 

However if your wife was consistently vapid, selfish, narcissistic etc. She could just be sick to death of watching that level of emotional/psychological abuse aimed at her, you, siblings, whomever. This could very well be her breaking point as well. Plus, if she sees you as emotionally injured and vulnerable, and you have had a close relationship with her, shell see your wife as akin to a predator to her Dad, whom she lives and who has historically protected her.

 

I know my story was quite long and may not apply at many points. I hope illustrating it might have given a glimpse into what your daughter might be going through.

[ComingInHot]

On topic no matter how "grey" just waned to say what an amazing example Dreamingoftigers is to Everyone!!

Dreaming you don't come across as a victim or survivor but a conqueror and overcome of many situations!

Just Wow!

[AlexDP]

On topic no matter how "grey" just waned to say what an amazing example Dreamingoftigers is to Everyone!!

Dreaming you don't come across as a victim or survivor but a conqueror and overcome of many situations!

Just Wow!

 

I'm not saying that it's not true, but I'm hesitant to believe people when their stories essentially make them the good guys.

 

Again, DOT, I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just hesitant to praise you.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm not saying that it's not true, but I'm hesitant to believe people when their stories essentially make them the good guys.

 

Again, DOT, I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just hesitant to praise you.

 

Um, AlexDP....

 

I was actually pretty embarrassed to tell that story because I don't think it made me "the good guy (girl)" at all.

 

I went nuts and flogged my Dad.

And even kind of stalked him.

 

My family dynamic is completely screwy and I still try to navigate that and keep my head above water.

 

The only thing I ended up realizing was that it was never going to make up for anything. I'd been raised with the "hit em' hard and take revenge" philosophy. (By him).

 

My mother, on the other hand, crumpled over pretty much everything, a portrayal of weakness.

 

I find myself in adulthood struggling to navigate that healthy middle ground DAILY. (not being pushed over but not pushing over others)

 

I just MIGHT understand where this guy's kid is coming from and that it's going to take her just as long, if not longer than everyone else to process and heal from it. She might NEVER forgive her Mom.

 

My father and I still do not talk in anything other than short greetings and complete superficialities. And to be quite honest, even if he changed into someone totally okay, I still wouldn't be interested in restoring anything.

 

We just don't have a bond and it took actualt trauma therapy to get through the childhood that my Dad was largely responsible for screwing up. I'll guard myself against his potential behaviour to some degree for the rest of my life.

 

But I'll never interfere with him like that again, no matter how many times he's tried to mess with my life, even in adulthood.

 

I especially would never interfere post-adultery if he were to attempt it again.

I feel like my mother manipulated my emotional state and kind of used me to fight her battle. Then when I wouldn't keep after my Dad, she gave me crap/guilt over it and then even critincised what I did even though she told me when and where to find my Dad's mistress.

 

To be honest, remembering that whole thing grosses me out a little. For many reasons.

 

1. I didn't want to be involved at all. I just had my baby and the employee my Dad fired kept messaging me on Facebook about where my Dad was screwing the mistress. Because the mistress was her former friend, so she knew all of the details. I even asked her to stop (not aware of "blocking" feature at the time, has been useful since). but I couldn't just ignore when she gave the exact location where they were meeting and when. That made it concrete.

 

2. In behaving so crazily, it was almost like I took on the position of "betrayed wife." this wasn't my husband, this was my FATHER. I didn't want to know anything about his sex life. And honestly I heard WAAAAY TOO MUCH from both my mother and the ex-employee.

 

3. I should've just been able to enjoy my new baby, but I had to deal with the news of my father's adultery and then he subsequent suicide threats on two occasions where I called the police and BOTH of my parents gave me SH*T over it! Unbelievable!

 

4. Three weeks later I dealt with the discovery of my husband's further infidelities, and within weeks his diagnosis of Sexual Addiction and the fallout from that.

 

It was like I discovered just how messed up I and everyone else was in my family. I already knew we were messed up, but it was like it was 10x worse than I initially thought. I also felt trapped by my own crazy emotions and the crazy acts I and everyone around me were doing.

 

I barely slept for two years. But that was largely because of my husband's activities.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Because he's now taken to protecting her - and trying to cover up for her bad behavior.

 

Not at all.

 

Please don't mistake me for being weak. I choose to forgive not because I am weak but because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes.

 

That does not absolve her from anything she has done. That does not mean I want reconciliation.

 

Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.

 

The stupid neither forgive nor forget.

The naive forgive and forget.

The wise forgive but do not forget.