Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[troubadour]

Not at all.

 

Please don't mistake me for being weak. I choose to forgive not because I am weak but because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes.

 

That does not absolve her from anything she has done. That does not mean I want reconciliation.

 

Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.

 

The stupid neither forgive nor forget.

The naive forgive and forget.

The wise forgive but do not forget.

 

 

I think it would be wise to just end your marriage. Your wife doesn't want you as a lover. She needs you as a provider, she wants you as a father for her children, but deep down she looks at you as a cuckold husband. She doesn't respect you as a man anymore. I know it sounds harsh but this is the unfortunate reality of situation you are dealing with.

 

Just get divorced and find someone who will appreciate you more than your current wife. It'll be better for you and your children.

[Holyoak]

Not at all.

 

Please don't mistake me for being weak. I choose to forgive not because I am weak but because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes.

 

That does not absolve her from anything she has done. That does not mean I want reconciliation.

 

Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.

 

The stupid neither forgive nor forget.

The naive forgive and forget.

The wise forgive but do not forget.

 

So first I get tested for diseases from the dirty slut.

Dirty sluts don't make mistakes, they wantonly calculate, lie, fill a selfish need, take pleasure in your pain... I don't think you are weak, I do however strongly disagree with your:

 

"The wise forgive, but do not forget".

 

I could just as easily say "folks who are in denial/severely codependent/in the bargaining stage forgive and do not forget, which later bites them in the bum." Not saying this is you, or your situation, simply it could apply as well, as could a million other views on forgiveness. Folks can heal just fine without forgiveness, and that does not mean bitterness, anger, etc, it simply means "meh" about them. To me, compulsory, knee jerk "you gotta forgive", is akin to the same crap MC like to throw out; both people share the blame for the affair, and the BS needs to work on bettering themselves to win back the cheater... BULL****!

 

Just more of the "there are no losers, just last winners." mentality that pervades damn near everything, and never allows accountability, or consequences.

 

Forgiveness is for me, and to myself for all the crap I allowed myself to go through as an honest, decent, truthful Joe, while the monster stayed true to form and devolved. Some think they are wise (read IMO better/smarter), somehow more enlightened, and by virtue of that they forgive; me, I don't forgive emotional rape, constant lies/deceit/betrayals and the destruction of two families, all the while saying I don't regret it from the person I most trusted on this earth, sorry, no dice, and I sleep just fine with it. Best she will get is detachment leading to long periods of not thinking about her, wishing she could fade away when I do think about her. Some things in life are of such a magnitude of heinousness, that forgiveness by us humans is off the table, infidelity is one of them IMO, and the opinion of many others. YMMV.

[Try]

I choose to forgive not because I am weak but because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes.

There is a difference between mistakes, and a pattern of deliberate choices. In your own words you stated that over the last ten years she has cheated on you with "The next door neighbor, her trainer, two of her best friends husbands, one of our kids teachers, heck it might be easier to list the ones she hasn’t slept with." They were not mistakes, they where a chosen lifestyle. From her point of view the only mistakes that she made was allowing herself to get caught.

[Bryanp]

10 years cheating on you with lots of people and a next door neighbor putting your health at risk for STD's is not a mistake. It is a 10 year pattern of lies, deception and betrayal. If you wish to believe this as a single mistake then you are in major denial. Nevertheless it is your life and I wish you luck.

[2sunny]

Not at all.

 

Please don't mistake me for being weak. I choose to forgive not because I am weak but because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes.

 

That does not absolve her from anything she has done. That does not mean I want reconciliation.

 

Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.

 

The stupid neither forgive nor forget.

The naive forgive and forget.

The wise forgive but do not forget.

 

Forgiveness is earned - when a person sets things right - after what they've done to harm others. What has she done to set things right?

 

And stop calling it a mistake - it was all very calculated and purposeful!

 

What is your plan now?

[dreamingoftigers]

You're pretty early on this whole process to decide whole and complete that you forgive her.

 

Don't worry if later you change your mind.

[Artie Lang]

It is too early to make any decisions and I will not until much later but my feelings are so strong. I guess that is what comes from over 20 years together.

 

this is understandable. you have history with this woman.

 

 

the ball is pretty much in your court. if you feel you can get past this, then by all means..... give it a shot. you're the one has to live with this decision.

 

 

it's just inconceivable to many how you're willing to forgive such a betrayal. this isn't your run-of-the-mill affair. she was running around with a lot of people, many of whom were friends. it's just very hard to swallow(no pun intended).

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Not at all.

 

Please don't mistake me for being weak. I choose to forgive not because I am weak but because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes.

 

That does not absolve her from anything she has done. That does not mean I want reconciliation.

 

Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.

 

The stupid neither forgive nor forget.

The naive forgive and forget.

The wise forgive but do not forget.

 

Please understand that many of us have walked this path. In the craziness that follows d-day there is a method to the madness; a pattern so to speak.

 

What I am telling you (and other posters) is that you are still in shock; and rightfully so. There will a be day down the road where it will hit you. It will hit hard and furious. It might be tomorrow, next week, or next month. You will experience ups and downs. The downs will be low, and the ups will not be so good either.

 

I remember sitting in MC soon after D-day saying that I forgive her. I soon realized that it isn't that easy. Once I hit the anger phase, that cheap forgiveness was trashed because it is trash.

 

It's been my experience that forgiveness is not a one time decision. It was a daily decision that I had to make. Some days it was harder than others. As time progressed it got easier, and eventually it was no longer a daily decision.

[Artie Lang]

It's been my experience that forgiveness is not a one time decision. It was a daily decision that I had to make.

 

so true, B&S..... so true.

 

 

i don't think you truly get over such a thing; you only learn to cope with it.

[2sunny]

I do agree - your daughter is angry because YOU aren't angry ENOUGh! She's overcompensating for YOUR lack of anger!

 

Now YOU are affecting your daughters health - by NOT DOING ENOUGH to end this unhealthy dynamic!

 

You can't fix what your wife has done!

 

It took 10 years of her damage in full effect - expect it to take 10 years to earn your trust back - and that's ONLY IF she does anything and EVERYTHING to show evidence that she's a completely changed woman!

 

It takes 10 years to walk into the Forrest - it takes 10 years to walk out of the Forrest!

 

 

Unless your W is willing to do it all - there's absolutely nothing to consider.

 

If you stay - expect to feel that you have chosen to betray YOURSELF - and you should expect to be completely physically sick - just by carrying around that betrayal with negative emotions!

[2sunny]

You can forgive yes - and forgiveness can include leaving her with her own self to fix.

 

Just because you forgive - doesn't mean it needs to include staying! I can attest to that! I divorced - but I have forgiven my exH. We were M 20 years...

[lolablue17]

You can combine your willing to take her back (in the future), with your fear of her cheating again.

 

Tell her that if she wants to earn your trust, she has to prove it with actions and understand that her a second chance is under a serious supervision as described:

 

Tell your lawyer to prepare a contract for her to sign. in the contract she commits not to cheat - never, never never again. and she agrees now that if in the future she will cheat, she gives up all of your property, and she agree that you get custody & so... that means you will have full control off everything, and only you can decide.

 

If she refuse to sign, that means, she doesnt meen to her words.

[dreamingoftigers]

You can forgive yes - and forgiveness can include leaving her with her own self to fix.

 

Just because you forgive - doesn't mean it needs to include staying! I can attest to that! I divorced - but I have forgiven my exH. We were M 20 years...

 

What has she been doing to demonstrate her interest in keeping the marriage, being a functional partner and helping her children heal?

 

Your children are going to need a lot of help after this.

[troubadour]

You can combine your willing to take her back (in the future), with your fear of her cheating again.

 

Tell her that if she wants to earn your trust, she has to prove it with actions and understand that her a second chance is under a serious supervision as described:

 

Tell your lawyer to prepare a contract for her to sign. in the contract she commits not to cheat - never, never never again. and she agrees now that if in the future she will cheat, she gives up all of your property, and she agree that you get custody & so... that means you will have full control off everything, and only you can decide.

 

If she refuse to sign, that means, she doesnt meen to her words.

 

 

This contract woldn't hold up in court of law.

[lolablue17]

This contract woldn't hold up in court of law.

 

His lawyer will know how to write the paper.

 

for example, she must sign that she will compensate him for 1,000,000 $ if she gets caught. the only obstacle is the children thing, because the court wants their favor. but a good lawyer can figure it out.

[Jonah]

Not at all.

 

Please don't mistake me for being weak. I choose to forgive not because I am weak but because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes.

 

That does not absolve her from anything she has done. That does not mean I want reconciliation.

 

Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.

 

The stupid neither forgive nor forget.

The naive forgive and forget.

The wise forgive but do not forget.

 

Good to read that you have some depth to your soul Jack...

[AlexDP]

His lawyer will know how to write the paper.

 

for example, she must sign that she will compensate him for 1,000,000 $ if she gets caught. the only obstacle is the children thing, because the court wants their favor. but a good lawyer can figure it out.

 

It won't hold up in court, because the contract in itself would be illegal.

[2sunny]

What proof has your wife shown that she set right -ALL the wrongs she did through those years?

 

To you, your kids, and ALL the families she screwed over when she had sex with all those men?

 

If she hasn't yet - there's nothing yet to forgive!!!

[lolablue17]

It won't hold up in court, because the contract in itself would be illegal.

 

I'm no expert in the American law, but 2 people can agree between them to sign any contract they want as long as its innocent and represent both sides will.

 

That contract is not groundless because it expresses the man fears and distrust, against his wifes desire to have him back. so he has some conditions to have her back, and they both agree and the just draw it with writing.

And because by that he risks his health\sanity\peace, as well as his earning power, his ability to concentrate, and his honor, and dignity and so and so... he wants to make sure she compensates him for his pain.

so its Totally a legitimate agreement by all circumstances.

 

Of course, the real target of this agreement is to test the wife to see if she is honest.

[2sunny]

You state you're not being weak - id like to know what strength you are showing? And how you're showing her that you're strong?

[troubadour]

His lawyer will know how to write the paper.

 

for example, she must sign that she will compensate him for 1,000,000 $ if she gets caught. the only obstacle is the children thing, because the court wants their favor. but a good lawyer can figure it out.

 

You clearly don't know what you are "trying" to talk about.... it wouldn't hold up in court of law.

[Darth Vader]

Shaun-Drop, " Very few women in this world will be faithful to man. Those exceptions feel like they have more to lose, therefore they won't cheat.

 

Since women are able to take care of themselves more than ever, and they get a piece of the pie in divorce settlements, this grants them opportunity to stray whenever they grow bored of their spouse or partner.

 

And this is especially true for the most attractive women, which is why I just have my fun with them and move on. You should do the same after going through this nonsense with the skank. Retire from Mr. Nice Guy for good."

 

Uhhhhh, No...

Does anyone know how to spell the sneeze sound w/the word b*llsh*t in it?

I'm a hot successful W & I haven't, aren't & won't cheat. It's wrong.

 

Not to mention, she's got Morals! OMG! Morals? What's that?!:lmao:

[Darth Vader]

Because he's now taken to protecting her - and trying to cover up for her bad behavior.

 

And referring to her screwing many, many men - "a mistake"!

 

There was NO mistake! She was purposeful and calculating... All at your expense - AND your kids!!! There's no "mistake" in ANY of what she's done!!!

 

 

AMEN!!!!!!!!! IT WAS ALL INTENTIONAL!:sick:

[2sunny]

I disagree cominginhot - I know MANY women and men whO won't cheat!

 

I am one! Some people do have a moral code which they live by...

[jack_oneill_sg1]

This is not a direct reply to the below quote but I used that as a reference. There have been many posts with pretty much the same theme. This is a reply to all of them.

 

Just because you forgive - doesn't mean it needs to include staying!

 

I believe that is what I have been saying.

 

I thought this was clear

 

That does not absolve her from anything she has done. That does not mean I want reconciliation.

 

I am unsure why people are so against me forgiving her. I could understand the reactions if I was gong to reconcile immediately but I have made it clear that I am not interested in that.

 

She has wasted a lot of my time/life without me knowing. I am not going to volunteer more of my time to be wasted by being angry or plotting revenge.

 

We will sort out a mutually acceptable custody arrangement and we will remain civil at all times. We will sort out the divorce and I believe we can do so without trying to destroy each other. Carrying anger towards her is only going to drag me down and I am better than that.

 

I call it a mistake, others can call it a callous act of betrayal, it's really just semantics. At the end of the day what is done is done, it cannot be changed. There is no need to dwell on it and let it consume more of my life. Acting on the facts and taking appropriate actions is enough. Leaving and ending the marriage is enough.

 

I wish her well. She is the mother of my kids and I love her for that. She did me wrong and it has ended our marriage, we all suffer because of that. I did hate her initially and she deserved that hate but I have decided to be the bigger and better person because I deserve that. I am better than her and I will not be dragged into wasting more of my life on her.

 

So yes, I do forgive her. I do wish her all the best. I have no anger towards her. I don't wish her any ill fortune. But at the same time I have no desire to be with her. I have no desire to continue living the lie. I have known her intimately for a long long time and as a friend I will help her come to terms with all this if she so desires. But her and I are through.

 

I am sorry if my actions are offensive to others but I need to live my own life my way the way I know best. Holding on to the anger is not the best way for me.

 

I met with my lawyer yesterday and we have had progress on the custody/divorce front. I have no time now, I will endeavor to update later tonight.