Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[Bryanp]

I do not believe that your wife has any concept of what the words being in love with you mean. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes how she really felt about you and your marriage. How could it be otherwise?

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Well what a difference a week and a half makes.

 

I just don't know what to do now or how to make this disaster work.

 

My wife, ex-wife, slut, whatever you want to call her is pregnant. It's apparently mine, at least that's what she's saying and the lie detector test we did a while ago confirms she has been with no man in this time frame. Well that's just ****ing great.

 

So I will now have another child. It's quite obviously going to be with it's mother so I miss out on all the good times growing up. I really don't know what to do, maybe just getting back together is the easiest.

 

Just as we were cutting ties and I was becoming comfortable with being alone I am now drawn back to her. Why me? Seriously, I be the faithful husband, the provider, the good dad and then she screws me over. I do the hardest thing I have ever done and walked away and now she has me by the balls if I want a close relationship with my (yet to be born) child.

 

I have been wondering whether a leopard really can change its spots? Maybe she has changed? Maybe we can make it work? But then I don't want to be known as the cuckold husband who let is wife get away with the unforgivable.

 

Anyone want to swap lives?

[2sunny]

No one could keep you from being an nvolved Dad if that's what you choose!

 

She lies - you know this. Do nothing without a paternity test. The woman sleeps with many men.

 

Going backwards is never a solution. Especially when the betrayal is that huge.

 

Going back to her is rewarding her bad behavior.

 

If you consider it - I'd question why you would torture yourself?

 

She will continue to lie and cheat.

[Radu]

jack, i'm gonna be a bit cold right now.

 

You already have kids with this harpy, the damage is already done, i'm not talking of the latest possible addition.

Don't think for a minute that this just happened, fell out of the sky.

What are the chances that this happened while she saw you moving away, out of her life, her support giving away ?

She is using this pregnancy to get you back jack.

She planned this as well, maybe not fully conciously, but in these cases, they sometimes think/feel that a baby will tie you together.

 

So tell her you will be there for your baby, that you want a paternity test, but you have no interest in her.

Or better yet, go and talk to your lawyer, continue in the same direction.

There are some chances that she will abort if she realises that she can't get you back.

Unless she's a complete loser and wants to play the SAHM in poverty card with the state, her parents and anyone who will listen.

 

PS: And don't rely too much on the lie detector test.

You can pass it with some practice.

[BetrayedH]

Good lord. Sorry, brother. My situation was pretty damn messed up, too but I can't imagine how a new child in the mix would have confused things even moreso.

 

My gut instinct is to say that it is unwise to stay just for the kids, and I think that includes the one that's not yet born. If you're going to end up as miserable roomates instead of a loving couple, it's not a great example to set for them.

 

That said, your wife seems remorseful. I'm pretty amazed at her willingness to take the polygraph even with little or no hope of you staying with her. That doesn't mean she's truly remorseful but at minimum, it seems to indicate her willingness to do the heavy lifting to repair what she's done. Some marriages do successfully recover after infidelity. But it requires her to be truly remorseful and for you to be truly forgiving. In most cases, the waywards aren't sufficiently remorseful and keep lying, or worse, cheating. In your case, I think the larger question might be your ability for forgive. I think you have been pretty consistent about not taking that route so I would certainly have great pause about whether that has changed.

 

Speak to your lawyer and I think a paternity test is wise. I understand that they can do them before the birth.

 

I think your best bet is to co-parent. I don't recall your agreement with her about that but I almost always think 50/50 custody is best.

 

One last question...are you sure she's pregnant? She wouldn't be the first to claim pregnancy in order to save a relationship. The pattern that I've seen is that they later claim a miscarriage. It's a desperation move but she seems a prime candidate for that kind of thing.

[Bryanp]

Pathological liars have a much more easier time passing a polygraph.

 

Do not believe anything she says. PLEASE GET A PATERNITY TEST DONE!

[jack_oneill_sg1]

One last question...are you sure she's pregnant?

 

This whole mess blew up mid March. Apparently she was about 4 weeks pregnant at the time (but didn't know it). For obvious reasons she has not mentioned it since. She told me yesterday and has asked me to come to the 12 week scan with her.

 

I am confident she is legitimately pregnant.

 

That said, your wife seems remorseful. I'm pretty amazed at her willingness to take the polygraph even with little or no hope of you staying with her. That doesn't mean she's truly remorseful but at minimum, it seems to indicate her willingness to do the heavy lifting to repair what she's done.

 

I can honestly say that from the moment this has all come out into the open I cannot find even a single lie or deception from her. She has done and said everything "right" but from my end it was all too late.

 

I am however starting to question myself. If she truly has changed and is once again the woman I loved and married then maybe, just maybe, we could make it work. I'm not even sure I want to try but I keep pondering this when I am alone.

 

The pregnancy has thrown a huge curve ball. I don't know what I should do. My head says look after the child but stay away from her. The only thing I can gain from being with her is future pain.

 

My heart tells me that I do still love her and I do still want to be with her. I know how absolutely terrible that sounds after all that has happened but I just feel that she and I are soulmates. I feel that who she is right now is the person I love. I have not forgotten the past, she is not getting a "free pass" for that, but right now, today, she is the person I fell in love with.

 

I don't even know if that makes sense? Maybe having her close by, seeing her all the time with all the responsibilities of co-parenting is just clouding my judgement.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

PLEASE GET A PATERNITY TEST DONE!

 

Yes I will be doing that. Someone mentioned you can get them done before the child is born. I didn't know that but I will look into it.

 

I was originally going to test paternity on all of our kids but I decided against that because they are my kids no matter what. I raised them, they are mine.

 

This is a little different so I would happily proceed with the test. I do believe the child is mine though.

[Bryanp]

The reason you test all of the children is also for their own good as well. The children must know their health and genetic makeup down the line in case of an illness. They must have this information Jack as well as you.

[BetrayedH]

This whole mess blew up mid March. Apparently she was about 4 weeks pregnant at the time (but didn't know it). For obvious reasons she has not mentioned it since. She told me yesterday and has asked me to come to the 12 week scan with her.

 

I am confident she is legitimately pregnant.

 

 

 

I can honestly say that from the moment this has all come out into the open I cannot find even a single lie or deception from her. She has done and said everything "right" but from my end it was all too late.

 

I am however starting to question myself. If she truly has changed and is once again the woman I loved and married then maybe, just maybe, we could make it work. I'm not even sure I want to try but I keep pondering this when I am alone.

 

The pregnancy has thrown a huge curve ball. I don't know what I should do. My head says look after the child but stay away from her. The only thing I can gain from being with her is future pain.

 

My heart tells me that I do still love her and I do still want to be with her. I know how absolutely terrible that sounds after all that has happened but I just feel that she and I are soulmates. I feel that who she is right now is the person I love. I have not forgotten the past, she is not getting a "free pass" for that, but right now, today, she is the person I fell in love with.

 

I don't even know if that makes sense? Maybe having her close by, seeing her all the time with all the responsibilities of co-parenting is just clouding my judgement.

 

I think it all makes perfect sense. The whole damn thing is a curveball and it's completely normal to vacillate from one moment to the next.

 

One thing that comes to mind is how you view your wife. I think it's important to acknowledge that who you thought she was simply wasn't accurate. We tend to project our own thought processes and beliefs onto others; it's natural to think that people would think and act in a similar fashion as we do. But clearly your wife doesn't think and act the way that you do. That "woman I married" never existed. That's who you thought she was. She was someone else. I think the question becomes, who is she now? And, would you marry that person? It can take a long time to figure out who she is. She may not even know herself. This is why individual counseling is such a critical thing for her. If she can really dig deep into why she had these affairs, maybe she has a chance of avoiding the use of that coping mechanism in the future. Maybe she would change altogether. I suspect that she isn't who you thought she was, nor is she any longer the "slut" that she was. Some would disagree and say that past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. But I think that assuming all you would have in your future is "future pain" is not very likely. What you would have is 2-5 years of hard work and a very different marriage than the one you've known. It's certainly easier to walk away from all that when there are no kids involved. Divorcing with kids involved may help you heal faster but co-parenting is no walk in the park either; you never get fully detached.

 

Hard choices in front of you, my friend. Maybe making no major choices right now might be a prudent thing to consider.

[HotRod1963]

Well what a difference a week and a half makes.

 

I just don't know what to do now or how to make this disaster work.

 

My wife, ex-wife, slut, whatever you want to call her is pregnant. It's apparently mine, at least that's what she's saying and the lie detector test we did a while ago confirms she has been with no man in this time frame. Well that's just ****ing great.

 

So I will now have another child. It's quite obviously going to be with it's mother so I miss out on all the good times growing up. I really don't know what to do, maybe just getting back together is the easiest.

 

Just as we were cutting ties and I was becoming comfortable with being alone I am now drawn back to her. Why me? Seriously, I be the faithful husband, the provider, the good dad and then she screws me over. I do the hardest thing I have ever done and walked away and now she has me by the balls if I want a close relationship with my (yet to be born) child.

 

I have been wondering whether a leopard really can change its spots? Maybe she has changed? Maybe we can make it work? But then I don't want to be known as the cuckold husband who let is wife get away with the unforgivable.

 

Anyone want to swap lives?

 

This is one of the most effed up situation I have read on this site and that is saying a lot. There a number of people who have posted on this thread that has given you solid advice, please follow it:

 

 

jack, i'm gonna be a bit cold right now.

 

 

She is using this pregnancy to get you back jack.

She planned this as well, maybe not fully conciously, but in these cases, they sometimes think/feel that a baby will tie you together.

 

So tell her you will be there for your baby, that you want a paternity test, but you have no interest in her.

 

PS: And don't rely too much on the lie detector test.

You can pass it with some practice.

 

Good lord. Sorry, brother. My situation was pretty damn messed up, too but I can't imagine how a new child in the mix would have confused things even moreso.

 

Speak to your lawyer and I think a paternity test is wise. I understand that they can do them before the birth.

 

I think your best bet is to co-parent. I don't recall your agreement with her about that but I almost always think 50/50 custody is best.

 

I am going to state the obvious.

 

 

• Your wife does not want to lose you. She is desperate to keep you by any means necessary.
  
• She still loves you (I think deep down inside you still love her but that is my opinion)
  

She would be all to happy that she is pregnant with your child, she knows this would make it easier to soften your stance so you need to answer this question for yourself to make sure.

 

 

One last question...are you sure she's pregnant? She wouldn't be the first to claim pregnancy in order to save a relationship. The pattern that I've seen is that they later claim a miscarriage. It's a desperation move but she seems a prime candidate for that kind of thing.

 

With that said, I re-read all of the post and I got to tell you it seems that she is really remorseful. She has been way to cooperative to just be acting. It seems to me that she willing to do what it takes to get her family back and keep it. Also, this pregnancy (I am only assuming that she’s pregnant) is her lifeline to you… do not even entertain the thought of an abortion. It’s not going to happen.

 

Good Luck

[2sunny]

You don't think she's been lying for now - but you didn't see she was lying back then either.

 

 

I knew you'd consider going back to her - it was obvious the minute you have the title of this thread changed/softened to have her viewed in a softer light.

 

Well guess what - she's still the whore you opened the thread with - now you just plan to sugar coat who she REALLY is!

 

Why would she need to defend herself? YOU do enough of it for HER bad behavior.

 

Go ahead - stay - you are truly co dependent and lost without your wife who cheats.

 

I doubt you ever intended to divorce her. You don't respect yourself enough to get rid of her trash.

 

You take her back - you'll always be wondering which neighbor she's banging - which teacher she decided to screw - and what diseases she may bring to you.

Edited May 10, 2013 by 2sunny

[Shocked Suzie]

I do not believe that your wife has any concept of what the words being in love with you mean. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes how she really felt about you and your marriage. How could it be otherwise?

 

This whole mess blew up mid March. Apparently she was about 4 weeks pregnant at the time (but didn't know it). For obvious reasons she has not mentioned it since. She told me yesterday and has asked me to come to the 12 week scan with her.

 

I am confident she is legitimately pregnant.

 

 

 

I can honestly say that from the moment this has all come out into the open I cannot find even a single lie or deception from her. She has done and said everything "right" but from my end it was all too late.

 

I am however starting to question myself. If she truly has changed and is once again the woman I loved and married then maybe, just maybe, we could make it work. I'm not even sure I want to try but I keep pondering this when I am alone.

 

The pregnancy has thrown a huge curve ball. I don't know what I should do. My head says look after the child but stay away from her. The only thing I can gain from being with her is future pain.

 

My heart tells me that I do still love her and I do still want to be with her. I know how absolutely terrible that sounds after all that has happened but I just feel that she and I are soulmates. I feel that who she is right now is the person I love. I have not forgotten the past, she is not getting a "free pass" for that, but right now, today, she is the person I fell in love with.

 

I don't even know if that makes sense? Maybe having her close by, seeing her all the time with all the responsibilities of co-parenting is just clouding my judgement.

 

 

Do really feel for you, your situation was hard enough without this little added curve ball.... You've done well with regards to taking some control back with regards to your work.... Thing is you was prepared to separate before... I mean with children etc... Just because she is pregnant what's the difference from this child to your others?? What your wife had done to you all is unforgivable ... It doesn't matter if she " might" change.... You will never be able to trust her, why would you put yourself and your kids through that? She doesn't deserve anything from you ...

 

You need space from her... Her from you.... You need some head space

[BetrayedH]

You don't think she's been lying for now - but you didn't see she was lying back then either.

 

 

I knew you'd consider going back to her - it was obvious the minute you have the title of this thread changed/softened to have her viewed in a softer light.

 

Well guess what - she's still the whore you opened the thread with - now you just plan to sugar coat who she REALLY is!

 

Why would she need to defend herself? YOU do enough of it for HER bad behavior.

 

Go ahead - stay - you are truly co dependent and lost without your wife who cheats.

 

I doubt you ever intended to divorce her. You don't respect yourself enough to get rid of her trash.

 

You take her back - you'll always be wondering which neighbor she's banging - which teacher she decided to screw - and what diseases she may bring to you.

 

This was really unnecessary. If the man has angst over leaving his wife and children, it's a reflection of how much he loved his wife. He doesn't deserve to be belittled for that.

 

Make your point but don't be so f ucking rude about it.

[HotRod1963]

Thing is you was prepared to separate before... I mean with children etc... Just because she is pregnant what's the difference from this child to your others??

 

Here is the PROBLEM if she is pregnant and it is his child (OP believe this is the case) then that is more years that he will have to interact with this woman. So yes he was prepared to separate with a known date were he did not have to deal with her anymore well that just got EXTENDED.

[beenburned]

Jack,

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you!

 

You have been given good advice on this thread. From what I have read, paternity tests done before the baby is born are expensive, and not as accuarate as the ones done after the birth.(also dangerous for the baby)

 

What behaviors/morals did your wife learn from her family of origin? It is critical to look at the big picture to learn if this is a lifestyle learned habit or a brief lapse of good judgement. It sounds like the chances of true long term change for her is not good even with much counseling.

 

You stated you travel a lot for your job so I don't see how 50/50 custody of the children would work for you without hired help in your absense. That would also be expensive! I would suggest a very liberal visitation schedule when you are home and on holidays and vacations.

 

Keep us updated, as we care very much what happens to you!

Edited May 10, 2013 by beenburned
misspelled a word

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Jack,

paternity tests done before the baby is born are expensive, and not as accuarate as the ones done after the birth.(also dangerous for the baby)

 

I will wait until after the birth. Regardless of whether or not it is mine there is no reason to put any undue stress on the baby.

 

The problem is that (if it is my baby) I want to be there for all the scans, appointments etc. That means the next 6 months or so I will have to deal with my wife fairly closely.

 

What behaviors/morals did your wife learn from her family of origin? It is critical to look at the big picture to learn if this is a lifestyle learned habit or a brief lapse of good judgement. It sounds like the chances of true long term change for her is not good even with much counseling.

 

Not sure you could classify it as a BRIEF lapse but I do believe she is remorseful and wanting to do anything to "fix" things. What I don't know is what her reasons are behind wanting to stay together. The lie detector test suggests she does love me but as others have stated they are not infallible.

 

Her family situation was far from perfect but neither was mine. If anything mine was far worse with my parents both cheating on each other multiple times. Her dad just had a mistress (that her mum knew about) for many years until her mum finally had enough and left.

 

Her counselor is going through all this with her.

 

You stated you travel a lot for your job so I don't see how 50/50 custody of the children would work for you without hired help in your absense. That would also be expensive! I would suggest a very liberal visitation schedule when you are home and on holidays and vacations.

 

I have transferred to another job within the company that now no longer requires travel. My boss has been fantastic and she even kept me on the same pay rate even though it should have been a significant decrease. She has also told me to put the kids first so I am allowed in late or to go early if I need to drop off or pick up kids or anything like that as long as I make up the hours working from home.

 

The kids live with me and we are managing. Cooking is a bit of an issue as I didn't even know where the kitchen was and now I have to make a bunch of ingredients into something edible. I think I will need to apologise to my kids when they are older about my cooking skills.

[Steen719]

I think I will need to apologise to my kids when they are older about my cooking skills.

 

I think that when you kids are older, they will be very grateful for what you gave them - stability, love and the confidence to become adults. Don't you worry one little bit about that.

 

You don't have to change things right now or make any big decision about the new child. This doesn't really change what your wife did, so look at that way. You will still be there for the new child, should he or she be yours.

 

Continue to be with your kids and thank your lucky stars that you have them with you and that you have such a great boss.

 

Good luck.

[2sunny]

Your wife has an odd way of loving you.

 

You may be used to it... In that case a healthy R won't seem right to you if you don't seek help.

[Guildford]

I want to give the following advice to jack oneill sg1: use the conception of this child as a sign or reason (your choice of term) that you should reconcile with your wife (or is it now x-wife).

 

It is clear that the child is yours. While your wife has her faults, she has always spoken the truth when she told you something. She would not lie about the paternity when that is so easy to check when the child is born. Make your decisions on the assumption that it is your child.

 

When there are children involved I am in favor of reconciling if that is possible. You cannot explain things to a new born, he needs to see that his home life is secure and that means two parents, preferably his biological parents. Actually I would not mention the possibilityof reconciliation to your older children until you are ready to try it; you do not want to get their hopes up when there is no hope.

 

It is evident from your posts that your wife loves you and you love her, but you cannot get past the sexual odyssey that she has taken for the last ten years. If you decide to reconcile that is simply something that you will have to live with. You should explain to her that if you reconcile that you will never fully trust her again and that you have the right to check up on her activities.

 

Remember that it easy to find a sexual relationship, but finding love is more difficult. The lady at work you were seeing was not interested when she learned that you wanted emotional support, but not sex at that time. So for what it is worth, I believe that you should explore reconciliationwith your wife.

Edited May 11, 2013 by Guildford

[Shocked Suzie]

Here is the PROBLEM if she is pregnant and it is his child (OP believe this is the case) then that is more years that he will have to interact with this woman. So yes he was prepared to separate with a known date were he did not have to deal with her anymore well that just got EXTENDED.

 

i know that ...kids are a lifetime connection, one more wont change that

 

Jack i hope your ok, your situation sucks!!! i hope you stick to your gut feelings and not your heart!

 

you deserve better...more importantly your kids deserve stability from a stable person.. which is YOU

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Great !!! <sarcasm>

 

Twins.

 

It just keeps getting better and better.

 

On a note that I'm sure will please many here I told my wife that I will do whatever is needed to support her and the babies but that does not and will never include us being together again.

 

I'm not sure that was the right thing though as her sister tells me she is in a pretty dark place right now. I may not want to be with her but I wish her no harm and more importantly right now consideration has to be given to my twins.

 

She is not the sort of person that would self harm, but I don't want her drinking to taking up smoking or worse whilst she is pregnant. I can't expect her sister to play babysitter, she has her own life to lead but for me to do it I would have to let my wife move back home. Doing that though sends the wrong message to everybody.

 

It's just a mess. I don't think it matters which way I turn or what I do someone is going to end up suffering. I just have to protect the kids as best I can.

[Shocked Suzie]

Great !!! <sarcasm>

 

Twins.

 

It just keeps getting better and better.

 

On a note that I'm sure will please many here I told my wife that I will do whatever is needed to support her and the babies but that does not and will never include us being together again.

 

I'm not sure that was the right thing though as her sister tells me she is in a pretty dark place right now. I may not want to be with her but I wish her no harm and more importantly right now consideration has to be given to my twins.

 

She is not the sort of person that would self harm, but I don't want her drinking to taking up smoking or worse whilst she is pregnant. I can't expect her sister to play babysitter, she has her own life to lead but for me to do it I would have to let my wife move back home. Doing that though sends the wrong message to everybody.

 

It's just a mess. I don't think it matters which way I turn or what I do someone is going to end up suffering. I just have to protect the kids as best I can.

 

 

OMG! Recon in a few years time you'll be able to write a book!!!

 

I think you have made the right choice and you 'under VERY difficult' circumstances have thought pretty clearly! Being and saying you will be there for her is enough and more than you owe her (although i fully get you) you've been a rock! You will make your kids proud still a tough path ahead, I wish you strength!

[Shocked Suzie]

Just wanted to give you a book that I'm reading which is good, it's called rebuilding when your relationship ends, by Bruce fisher. Not sure if your into reading much but it's a simple read that helps highlight the process of moving forward healthily... Just thought you've had a lot to digest and you don't often talk about how 'your' feeling in all this, just about whats actually happening.

[road]

Great !!! <sarcasm>

 

Twins.

 

It just keeps getting better and better.

 

On a note that I'm sure will please many here I told my wife that I will do whatever is needed to support her and the babies but that does not and will never include us being together again.

 

I'm not sure that was the right thing though as her sister tells me she is in a pretty dark place right now. I may not want to be with her but I wish her no harm and more importantly right now consideration has to be given to my twins.

 

 

She is not the sort of person that would self harm, but I don't want her drinking to taking up smoking or worse whilst she is pregnant. I can't expect her sister to play babysitter, she has her own life to lead but for me to do it I would have to let my wife move back home. Doing that though sends the wrong message to everybody.

 

It's just a mess. I don't think it matters which way I turn or what I do someone is going to end up suffering. I just have to protect the kids as best I can.

 

 

At the time of ovulation a women can release two eggs. There have been cases where the OM soldier nails one and the BH soldier nails the other.

 

Ever wonder why some twins do not even look like siblings?

 

Now you know.

 

What are you going to do if that happened?

 

I remember being introduced to some kids and their mom. I was 12. Other kids and moms around.

 

"This is Mrs Hoe (fake), and her twin sons". Those boys looked so different that no one would think they were brothers.

 

Being there were lots of kids and many kids did not use filters back then. There was verbal expression of what their eyes were seeing. Twins? No. Not even brothers.

 

There was something about the mothers response that I could not pick up on back then. As if she was about to get caught. But caught at what a 12 yo old mind asked. So the matter was laid to rest. Though when the right stimulus happenes the story is recalled.

Edited May 18, 2013 by road