Balzac Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 It was bound to be some lucky lady and that you'd feel badly. I look at it this way. Your human, it's normal. Don't beat yourself up. She's an adult. She's aware of your situation. Hopefully she's using a contraceptive. I just think a first time had to happen. Ya know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pasco08 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I don't know but now i know i need to end things i am not mentally ready for a serious relationship. I just have to end it and what ****ty timing. I hate myself i do i hate myself Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Well crap. Look, loss and grieving are messy. Stop striving for pertfection. Non among us has ridden this to the end avoiding pitfalls. You went for it, you're having feelings, stay w these feelings but try to lose the self hatred. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pasco08 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 But i should be better then this i have a son and i need to be a better role model for him and everything. God i feel horrible i haven't slept in 4 days either :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Your baby boy is a toddler who knows nothing of sexual desires! You're doing a fine job learning to solo parent. You are seeking relief from your pain and depression. It's normal to do so. The best way though is through the overwhelming pain and that means feeling it. Remind yourself that you're a mortal man. You are not a superhero. Booze and sex will only delay your journey. Nobody blames you for trying either route though. You must find a way to forgive yourself. You must view this as escape and not cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pasco08 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I just don't want to feel alone and thought being with her would help but it hasn't :/ Now i just feel worse and my escape became more pain . I just need to do better then this Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pasco08 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I want her back so badly its not fair we should of gotten the chance at a whole life together our son needs his mom Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I understand. What's happening is that the empty space that was of the presence of your Lover cannot be filled by another woman. In time you'll be able to carve out a new space for a new lover. In the mean time, you'll ache and long for adult intimacy. Some days not as much as others. These feelings do not make you a bad parent, less of a man or a worthless human. Your new lovely is an adult. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pasco08 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 Don't even miss intimacy i miss having a friend and a partner to unload on and rely on and help me Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I want her back so badly its not fair we should of gotten the chance at a whole life together our son needs his mom Nothing about your situation is fair. Yes, your son needs his mother. You both have been cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Sleep deprivation is a crazy-maker. Fixing that would be job #1 IMO. Docs can help. Cruise sounds like fun and you'll likely be in a different head space then. It's nice to have a companion and to feel desired. If such doesn't otherwise jeopardize your parental dynamic, it sounds like a good medicine to both satisfy your need as well as to show you a glimpse of how the future can go at some point. The lady is an adult and, if disclosed, is making the choice to participate, knowing the future is unknown. If it's OK for her, it's OK for you, for as long as you feel that way. Good luck and I hope you're successful in retaining full custody of your son. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Don't even miss intimacy i miss having a friend and a partner to unload on and rely on and help me Intimacy is sharing your thoughts n dreams. It's sharing as you've just described. Some of intimacy can be sexual but intimacy is so much more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pasco08 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I need to do something cause i can't deal like this. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 What do you suggest doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pasco08 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I don't know anything i do is unhealthy and just ends up makin me feel worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Look into support groups. It's hard enough to parent alone much less when you lost one from the team so tragically. You are grieving two losses IMO. Losing someone isn't something you ever get over. You just learn how to live w/ the pain in the background. You can learn how to cope with assistance from those who have been through their own losses. Start with your health plan or your primary care provider. Ask for some resources into support groups/classes. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I don't know anything i do is unhealthy and just ends up makin me feel worse. If you feel that way right now, look to your son for inspiration. Cherish how much right he does each day; how much joy he brings. How he makes things 'real'. It's very sad that the love of your life is gone; today is a new day and you and your boy are a team. Work together and you'll win. I have a little anecdote for you..... a few years back, a good friend lost his wife suddenly and tragically in a traffic accident. Ironically, she was test driving a newer, safer car because she was nine months pregnant and was killed just as she left the dealership by a young man who was street racing. In an instant, he lost his wife and his unborn son. Like yourself, he was overcome with grief and despair and, unlike being his normal in-control self, found himself flailing. Not too long after, he ended up being intimate with a female friend of his departed wife and experienced/shared many of the same feelings I'm hearing from you. A couple years later, that old friend and he would be married and he, with her, would have another son. Life goes on. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 You know Pasco, i read your thread from start to finish when i first posted, and i was a bit shocked that you showed not much emotion after going through losing your SO. I think your coping mechanism was at the time to go into 'taking care of business' mode, where you pushed back all that you felt to get through those dark times. I think these emotions that you bottled down are now ready to burst inside of you. As carhill suggested, i think you should go and talk to support groups. And tbh, it's not bat to cry over her picture ... when my dad died 2yrs ago i did not show much emotion apart from being in a state of utter shock. But later, in private i did cry a lot over his untimely loss, and i still feel guilty about the state of our relationships at the time of his death. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pasco08 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I don't need support groups i just need to deal with this and just trying. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Right, as you already have a support group here. Perhaps something more one on one would be helpful. Get much sleep last night? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pasco08 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I think 20mins or so of sleep Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I don't know anything i do is unhealthy and just ends up makin me feel worse. Then please make a Dr appointment and get something to help you relax and sleep. Maybe an anti anxiety med or light sleeping pill..Or even ask about Melatonin. 20 minutes sleep? No wonder you're not functioning and you're feeling awful. Emotional stress and not enough sleep is a bad combo. Do this in baby steps. See Dr and take this day by day. Hopefully soon you'll sleep better and with that might bring a fresh mind that will help you figure out what the next step is. I still think you'd benefit a lot from seeking grief counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pasco08 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 I suppose I just need to get some sleep but i can't ever fall asleep and stay asleep for long cause of nightmares. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pasco08 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Got six hours last night so a tad better Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Here's hoping that slumber time is ongoing. Link to post Share on other sites
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