Wife left- Third Time 18 Years I'm OK

[dreamingoftigers]

Update 12 January 2013,STBXWW and her DD22 have officially gone off the rails!

 

I will post soon.It is hard to write.

 

REVITUP, just thought of you today.

 

You'll pull through this. You know it.

 

Don't let it pull you down too far.

 

Remember you aren't crazy don't let them try to drive you there.

[Gunny376]

And it does drive you insane? Remember! Don't suffer from it! Enjoy every damn minute of it!

 

Remember when your going through Hell! Just keep on going!

[revitup]

Ok,here it is.

 

MY precious DD14 was raped June 14th 2013.I didn't know until I had read the medical records from the hospital visit on Dec 21,2012.

 

You see,the Dr could not "tell me" what my own daughter had told him in confidence.The Dr knew however that I would request the records for our Jan 3rd 2013 psych Dr visit.The Dr told me "the records will be available the first day after the holidays,Jan 2 2013.That was the day before our Psych visit with my Dr.

 

Well,I read the records on the night before the Jan 2 appt.My heart fell apart as I read the story my DD14 had told the Dr.DD14 told the Dr that she was dropped off at her little 14 yr old girlfriend's house on June 14th 2012.That would have been here in NC and 2 months before STBXWW hit the road.DD14 went on to tell the DR that she was drugged (smoked something,she knew better than that) by the 14yr old girls 17 yr old brother and his friend and then raped.The other 14 yr old girl knew but didn't until after the fact.I did not know that he STBXWW had dropped her off during the day,neither did the parents of the 17 yr old and 14 yr old girl...they are very,very strict.My STBXWW must have just been on a mission.I never knew of this crime/nightmare and the STBXWW didn't know either.

 

I didn't do anything until the next day,Jan 3rd 2013.That was hard for me.There was a lucky group of people that night.I made the decision that it would be better if it came out in therapy.

 

The next day we went to the therapist and the therapist who had said "you adore your wife,you'll be together again" fell out.She thought I had "over reacted"in my voicemail scheduling the appt.The Dr spoke first with me and then with DD14.During the DD14 session it came out ( I brought the DR the records I had requested the day before) and the Dr asked her to tell me,she didn't want to and the Dr then called me into the session.

 

This DR was wise,very wise.She says " well you both have secrets and I think it would be wise to tell each other your secrets".DD14 wouldn't come out with it.Dr then says Mr REVITUP will you share your secret?I say yes.......I know about the rape.That's my secret,that I found out about the rape last night.

 

The Dr then asks DD14 why she didn't want to tell me about it.DD14 says "I didn't want to make Daddy mad,I thought he would be angry because I didn't tell him about it earlier".At this point I had been very understanding and supportive.Not angry at all.I comforted DD14 and made sure she knew this wasn't her fault in any way whatsoever.

 

Dr asks DD14 "is this how you expected REVITUP to react,in such a caring way"? DD14 says "no,I am so happy to have my Dad".

 

From there we have had many appointments for tests (stds and physical) all of which were fine and normal.

 

Fast forward to this weekend,the Protective services people who investigated the STBXWW,due to the DR sending them to investigate her,must have given her the excerpt from the medical records.She called me at the same time her DD22 called my DD14 on Saturday night.It did not go well.

 

STBXWW was angry that I hadn't told her about the rape earlier,I didn't know until Jan 2nd,it was only 9 days that I held that back from her.The reason that I held it back was that I had not filed the warrants on the rapist (alleged rapist) until Friday Jan 11th 2013.Nobody knew here,I certainly didn't want to tell the STBXWW before DD14 even knew.DD14 and the sister of the 17 yr old boy are best friends and love each other as friends.

 

I knew it would be awful for DD14 to lose her friendship due to the drama of this criminal act by 14 yr old friend's brother.We went to the local help office we had visited before and it was all reported.The Deputy they sent is a mna who we know very well.He and I coached the girls softball team together,our girls both are on that team.

 

Deputy was very understanding and explained to DD14 that he had no choice in the matter,he had to file the rape charges and the boy had to pay.DD14 took it very well.I had thought she might be angry in some sort of strange way because it would tear her friendship with her 14 yr old buddy apart.

 

Anyway,Friday night in the conversation,the STBXWW and DD22 are just ripping me and DD22 apart,piece by piece.They start to blame me and DD14 for this happening?STBXWW says "that happened while we were there in NC"!

 

She did this to place blame on me somehow because I was here?She is the one who took her there without the parent's knowledge and or mine.STBXWW then hangs up on me.

 

DD22 trashes DD14 in text messages,FB posts and voicemails.DD22 angers DD14 to a level I would never imagined,DD14 is in anger mode with both STBXWW and DD22.DD14 "unfriends"DD22.DD22 sends texts saying "do not contact me".DD14 has no intention of ever contacting DD22 at this point anyway.DD22 says "that boy will pay and be arrested,I'll see to it".DD14 sends text back (DD14 knows DD22 is just trying to be in control) saying "I know he will pay-I filed the charges"!!!!

 

Now for the bad part.DD14 knows the friend and her family have no clue as to the warrant and investigation at this point,the investigation is to be this week.The mother of PERP rapist receives a call from STBXWW Friday night!The mother doesn't talk to STBXWW but let's DD14 know her mom is trying to call her!DD14 and I are very angry and confused at the fact STBXWW is calling the mother of a bay who raped her own daughter.How does this make any sense?

 

Sat morning....I have my DD14 at the Salon for color and cut/style.I talked her into this because her mother had helped her color hair about ten different colors and it looked bad.I didn't know that it's $100.00 for professional color and styling for a girl!She is worth every penny though.Well we get a call on the DD14's phone while at the salon (we weren't answering STBXWW or DD22 all night) this call is from the mother of the 14 yr old friend and the 17 yr old perp.She asks to speak to me.

 

The perp mom says she has just received a disturbing call from STBXWW!!!!STBXWW used a different number and got through to her.Perp mon is very upset and confused.I don't want to talk to her at this point,but I keep it calm and just let her talk.The Deputy that I had just called to advise of STBXWW's interference from Friday night is now calling me on my phone.

 

I answer the deputy after telling perp mom I have another call.The Deputy says to avoid all contact with the perp mom,that I will get interviewed today (Mon Jan 14 2013).I knew that anyway of course.

 

Saturday night the STBXWW was sending more texts and vmails.She was all about the fact that she has done no wrong?She isn't guilty?I had better be careful?I am doing the wrong thing?She calls my brother and my SIL as well,all of which she left vmails.She tells us all that she had better get a phone call from DD14 in five minutes or she will send the Police to see me!Well the police do call me.They ask if I will have DD14 to call her mother so they don't have to come to my house and do a security check.I say NO!She is not calling her mother.The officer says why? I tell him that his investigator has advised us to avoid contact with the STBXWW.I ask if the officer would like to talk to DD14.He does and she tells the officer she is ok and isn't talking to her mom.

 

What the heck is STBXWW talking about?Is she somehow thinking she is going to jail for this?

 

I see this as follows....STBXWW has been outed as a bad mother and she has no place to hide anymore.The illusion of legitimacy that I created by providing her a real life and the legitimacy created by being a "single mother" has now been destroyed.

 

When she has to answer the "where is DD14" question,it's hard to explain how such a great woman who is the "victim" of an ass!@#$ like me,has lost custody of her daughter to an ass@#$% like me !!!!

 

You see ,the DD22 is just like her mother and is also in a pickle.They need the DD14 to do as they say.DD14 was their "safety shield".Their problem....DD14 is awake now.DD14 is gone with DADDY!

 

I believe the STBXWW knows she has ZERO control over me or DD14 any longer.STBXWW has nowhere to run anymore.Her family knows what has happened now and she is to blame.Her status as "victim" is now a known lie.

 

The truth has finally caught up with the STBXWW and her DD22.The grandma "crazy too" is probably going to be the next rabbit they send to destroy me and DD14.You see,they now have to destroy DD14's reputation or else she now becomes a witness against them,instead of a shield for them.This will pose a problem they don't want to deal with.It just keeps getting crazier with these idiots.

 

DD14 and I are just fine,angry but fine.She is so strong and happy now.I am a different man everyday.I get a little calmer each minute of the day.It's as if I am out of a no-mans prison.A place where you can never leave but know will kill you slowly if you don't!I will never go back to that prison again.

 

If it means never,ever being in a relationship again,I will never enter into anything, with any person ,who is even close to being BPD.

 

There is no future in helping a BPDr!I see now way any man or woman can overcome the BPDr's screwed up reality in their life.It doesn't matter how good you are,smart you are,wealthy you are,committed you are,educated you are or how prayed up you are.You will never win in the relationship with a BPDr.

 

I know that's hurtful to some here, who may be BPD....I really don't want to hurt you folks,I have came to the conclusion,it is better to hurt your feelings (a few) than to neglect the those who will be hurt and destroyed by your devilish behaviors if they don't wake up!

 

REVITUP

[Yasuandio]

This is so very sad, Revitup. You are a very strong man to handle this in such a patienct way. Your ability to keep your cool is truely amazing, and to be admired. I hope everyone continues to send collective prays to you and your DD14. Thank God she has you and the good doctors that are now caring for her. Yas

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Revitup,

 

Mercy is the word that pops in my mind after learning the update. You and DD14 are absolutely incredible, and are inspiring in dealing with events that would have broken most people.

 

Admittedly I have no children, but it is unfathomable that any mother's initial repsonse to this ordeal is to lay blame and finger point. DD14 is certaintly her daddy's daughter, demonstrating exceptional emotional strength and common sense moving positively forward. Hold true to each other, keep strict boundaries, pray, and continue the counseling...DD14 will have a long journey...and she will continue to shine.

 

As a true southern lady and respect to you all, I can not express my thoughts about STBWW and DD22 but suffice it to say: It would be some slow singing and flower bringing.

 

Praying for you both.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourselves. ~Mystery

[dreamingoftigers]

Hopefully the contact snaps between DD14 and STBXWW.

 

I can feel the craziness they are pushing on you and can relate.

 

Last year I was alone and gaining strength and centredness while my husband was living in the back of his car, completely addicted and unstable.

 

I grew calmer, more steadfast, more direct and it felt like the crazy couldn't touch me. I had God and a direction. I didn't need anything else.

 

Meanwhile, the one who always blamed me for how his life turned out, (some misdirected anger from the way his mother treated him, I am positive) he completely spun out. Went off the rails and had to smarten himself up in an awful hurry. He tried to ignore it for a bit. Tried to blame, push, threaten etc.

 

I was IMMUNE. You are IMMUNE too now. You can see the disease for what it is. You can see the demon now. I refused to let my husband back in my life in any meaningful way as long as he tried to hang out with his demon. He had to pick. He was the only one who could push it away. I am glad he made the right choice. I swore to myself I would never negotiate with his demon, our marriage was going to be him and me or I was going to be on my own. I wasn't going to share him with a force that was not trustworthy and would stop at nothing to consume everything in its path. (I mean this metaphorically)(I am not saying he was possessed or anything, I just mean that was the best way I could emotionally identify what it was that was poisoning our marriage and his self-worth. It's really a thinking pattern and set of behaviours, but you can't set that to some good "stay-strong and fight" music.)

 

I would let to congratulate you on not falling into the traps she lays out and the fits she has. I disconnected my husband's behaviours and fits from my life VERY quickly by not listening to them. BPD folk will move Heaven and Earth to get a spouse back under control. I know. I was diagnosed with it when I was in my early 20s.

 

I have no doubt that my father falls somewhere NPD/BPD but more on the NPD side. I watched the pattern, learned it and was wired for it from birth. However BPD is simply "layers of childhood PTSD." It is very ingrained and often misunderstood. The BPD sufferer does suffer as much as their "victims." It is the gift that keeps on giving.

 

I was lucky. I ended up going for trauma therapy instead of standard BPD cognitive treatment (which has been shown to have mixed results). The difference was night and day. I could _see_ the pain I was causing others. And it _mattered_ I wasn't feeling attacked or abandoned 24/7. I didn't have to lie awake wondering if I would be left or if I was truly loved anymore.

 

I can tell you straight-up that you can negotiate with STBXWW. There is no negotiating with BPD as much as there is no negotiating with addiction. It's a no-win. Unfortunately most people don't realize that there is an issue, they think that everyone else has the issue. Luckily, I KNEW that there was something wrong with ME because normal people don't get hospitalized THREE times in one year with suicide attempts. I also didn't buy the rhetoric that I was weak or cowardly. I knew that SOMETHING was BROKEN.

 

It is very hard to articulate the altered reality that your wife is living. The prefrontal cortex of BPD folks in unbalanced due to trauma on the right (which does not contain the brain's speech center!) Trauma also does not process through the hippocampus (context to memory portion of the brain). SO: she has trauma (or else she wouldn't be BPD) but she can't recall it AND cannot properly articulate WHY so it is EASY TO SEE why she doesn't think she's the problem. She thinks her environment is. She rises and falls with the waves.

 

IMHO the only real treatment to this (through personal, non-scientific trial and error) is EMDR. It brings up the recall of trauma and processes through the right front lobe, allowing connections to be made to the left, allowing for balanced thinking instead of increasingly divided thinking. Some of BPDrs outgrow their BPD traits when they are far enough away from the traumatic event because REM sleep processes similarly to EMDR but much slower, but a larger portion of BPDrs relive the pattern that gave them the trauma in the first place because their own brain doesn't understand the interaction between behaviour and environment.

 

I would watch DD14 very carefully over the next couple of years for BPDr traits. Those with BPD parents are six times as likely to have a BPD child and your daughter was already cutting herself and experimenting with a drug.

 

NOW, that being said YOU ARE A SUPPORTIVE PARENT which has a HUGE effect on helping her to develop healthier coping skills.

 

I can honestly say the pre-EMDR my world oscillated between the brightest days and the blackest, coldest, most bitter nights without warning or any cause that I could connect it to. I only felt whole with another person around. Otherwise it felt like I was empty or that parts of me were missing. Your STBXWW displaying her Craigslist numbers really spoke to that.

 

Post-EMDR, the world makes much more sense and my life heads off in a disciplined direction. Hopefully then DD14's life can too.

[Downtown]

Rev, I'm so sorry that your DD14 was violated so. I knew from your last post that something ominous had occurred but I had no idea it was this bad. You sure handled the situtation as well as possible by validating her and assuring her that it was not her fault.

 

As to your STBXWW, she apparently contributed to the disaster by dropping DD14 off in the middle of the day when the boys were not being supervised by a parent. This reminds me of the time she repeatedly left DD14 alone in the house that -- twice in the previous week -- had been broken into.

 

Like Dreaming, I share your concerns about the repeated cutting that DD14 did when she was living with her mother. What is scary is that such cutting is strongly associated with strong BPD traits. A 2004 study, for example, concludes that "the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder." See Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI. It therefore is very encouraging that the therapist seeing DD14 seems to be favorably impressed by her resilence and progress.

[revitup]

Thank you all Mystery...Tigers....Downtown...Yas,

 

Yes she is strong,very strong.She is also a child.This is where my heart is now.Certainly I would love to introduce the adults who have played a part of this torture to Mr Browning .380 right now.That of course,would only cause my DD14 to lose what I believe is her best chance of full recovery...ME!Her DAD.

 

I have no idea how I can be so calm now,it can only be God.The Lord has sustained me during this time.I feel that I was meant to be here for my daughter and that I have went through some tough battles in life in order to get tough enough to battle this demon.

 

I have not wavered and have been right on time in the decisions made thus far.I credit much of that to you here who have done more than you know for me.I have listened to and trusted the advise of many of you here.

 

I really had no idea as to this BPD crap.I thought it was bi-polar and just a screwed up childhood on her part.hat was a big mistake.This BPD is an awful and terrifying thing,only the very strongest of those who suffer will make any head way in recovery if they are the same as my STBXWW.I feel for you who can see the thing for what it is.You have a hard path to recovery.

 

For those of us who have "fallen" for a BPDr,we're screwed.We have no choice in what the BPDr's do to us.The good news is that we can leave them to their own demons.The power to walk away is the only card we hold.The BPDr I had was great at keeping leverage on me to stay in the toxic relationship she had control over.I was never in control of anything and she knew it.

 

The STBXWW was dealt a bad hand,I wish BPD was never her problem and can't fathom how it feels to be trapped by this thing.There is no bright spot for her at this point in life.She is actively making her life a living hell by not seeking some type of help.There is no sorrow from me now for her however.

 

Maybe it's a cold heart I have and maybe I just am not strong enough inside to care about her welfare anymore.It doesn't matter to at all.There is no compassion for her in any way from me and there never will be any.I actually would never speak to her again if that would be possible,never.

 

The "vomit" metaphor is just how I feel.The BPDr makes you sick to your stomach.Those who have been where we are know that the people who see any optimism of a future with their BPD partner are only prolonging the inevitable....pain,remorse,low self esteem,lack of ambition,loss of friends,diminished trust in humanity and a downright anger toward yourself.

 

I have blamed myself so much that it was almost too late to get out.I think I was just waiting to fall apart and into oblivion.The way a BPDr takes away your sense of worth is subtle and cunning.I equate it to Alcoholism or any other addiction.The addiction just wants to survive by any means possible....even killing the host in the end is acceptable.The BPDr I had was never in love with me,that's just how it is.I was hoodwinked from the beginning and I know there is some sort of weakness inside me that I have to one day find and eliminate from my character flaws.Today though,it doesn't matter.My DD14 is my reason to be strong.I will never let her down.

 

As the legal issues become real (Detective just left) it angers me more and more that STBXWW has tried to hurt me through my DD14.She last night was sending text's asking "what's going on down there,why is DD14 not answering my calls and texts"?How stupid is that for her to ask me?She then asks if I will tell DD14 to call her.I replied "I have never told DD14 to avoid your contact,she is doing that on her own".STBX replies "why isn't DD14 calling me"?

 

I text "Are you sending DD14's clothes and games etc as you have promised"?

STBXWW replies "I thought DD14 was just going down to visit"?She never answers the question (three times I ask if STBXWW will keep her promise to send DD14's stuff back here) as to the clothes being sent back.

 

STBXWW actually sends message saying "I have never kept DD14 from calling you,I am innocent,I've done nothing wrong".Well....she did keep DD14 from me,taking out a restraining order and no-contact (using lies and half truths) only three yrs ago.That's why I took STBXWW back...it was my only way to see my DD14 for a year.That no-contact order turned me from divorcing STBXWW to taking her back in only a month.I had made up my mind to be done with STBXWW and she pulled a stunt that blows my mind.It was like a Jedi mind trick.I fell for it,but planned for this very day.I planned well.

 

If you are in a "relationship" with a BPDr,you had better plan for the unexpected and awful experience you can fathom.You will see things that are so perverse that you will doubt even your own identity before it ends.They will do things that will entice and excite you today and rejoice tomorrow as they destroy your very foundation.The passive aggressive stabs and demeaning comments will destroy your belief in yourself sooner or later.

 

There will be no way to fight the comments,if I did try and question anything she threw at me,I was being self centered and uncaring...I was being "like everybody else who hurt STBXWW",that was according to her anyway.There was a sense of joy in her step and her attitude when I took a hit from life.It was like she relished in any defeat I endured.This is not what you expect from someone who gets the benefits from a happy and prosperous spouse,but it is the real way STBXWW felt.She would rather see me suffer,than to have a financial windfall from my success.

 

My joy was gone for years,she took it but I allowed her to do it.I will stand strong on all of my values and beliefs from this day forward,she taught me a lesson and it is a valuable one.I hope she one day knows she has helped me to be better in my 2nd half of life than in my 1st half.I hope it makes her mad to know she has prepared me for success by failing to destroy me.This is my dream.It really doesn't matter to me if she knows anything about me from now on.

 

DD14 and I are a FAMILY.We are proud of surviving this thing and becoming better people for having been through it together.There is only JOY here in my house now.

 

Last thing....This morning I got a great surprise.My DD14 has been under the weather with this bug of a virus,she slept until 2:30 pm yesterday (anti biotics).Well this morning-6:00 am (DD14 was up early) I walked from my bedroom and smelled my coffee,then I detected Turkey Bacon and Eggs with cheese.

 

DD14 had prepared my breakfast and had it ready at 6:00 am!!!!!!

 

STBXWW hasn't ever done that!

 

You have to know that I feel like the luckiest man in the world.

 

REVITUP

[2sunny]

You've both done a great job of standing firm, taking action, having a voice and speaking your truth of what has happened.

 

At this point, and with your W being so volatile and unpredictable (and not looking out for your D best interest) - the best way is to have no contact with her - and file a restraining order) - that way your D doesn't have to put up with abuse from Mom moving forward.

[revitup]

Update 1/16/2013

 

Last night the STBXWW was sending text messages to DD14.We (my brother,DD14 and myself) were attending a meeting and driving home last night.

 

STBXWW sends DD14 a message....

 

STBXWW says "Just so you know...I haven't done anything wrong and Daddy hasn't done a protective order"

DD14 says "I was with him and he said not to get the order,and yes you have done me VERY wrong"

STBXWW says "How?I talked to Police today and they told me he tried"

DD14 says "No! He was going to but he told them not to.How?I'll let you think about that one,if you don't know,then you you don't deserve a chance of me coming back!Now when are you sending my stuff to me?"

STBXWW says "call me i want to talk to u in person"

DD14 says "no I'm not letting you get in my head,how is it that you would be able to answer my question on the phone but not in text,you either text me or have no contact at all"

NO RESPONSE......

 

Today

STBXWW "DD14,I love u very much and my door is always open for you to come home"

 

DD14 "When are you sending me my stuff"?

 

CRICKETS!!!!

 

STBXWW will not answer a simple question,she can be gotten right off the phone with any simple question!We use this wierd action to get her off the phone when we want to go...works every time.

 

The thing is that DD14 is not biting on STBXWW's lies anymore.The hold STBXWW once had on us both is now gone.

 

I haven't done the restraining order for several reasons,one is that it involves a certain risk of being denied by a dingbat judge,that would hurt the case.

 

A second and the strongest is that STBXWW has to drive 5 hours to get here,and I was done this way before by STBXWW-denied contact,I hope they can always talk but these conversations are getting more and more strange by the minute.I walk a tight rope about denying the STBXWW contact,I don't want DD14 to feel I am playing games with STBXWW,like STBXWW did years ago with me.It would be best if DD14 could still call her mom sometimes,in my opinion.If it heats up anymore I will be forced to get the restraining order.

 

DD14 is strong and getting stronger.She had my breakfast ready at 6am (surprised me) when I got up Monday!Coffee,turkey bacon and eggs with cheese!Made me feel like a champ.

 

DD14 is quick to see through STBXWW's gaslighting as well.DD14 says she has seen it for years but now knows better than to believe STBXWW.

 

DD14 is telling my family and friends how "I'm shocked at how easy going and laid back dad is now,he is calmer than ever"!This is true,very true.I am the most relaxed and calm (even in the midst of STBXWW's drama) that I can remember.There was a sense of tension when STBXWW was here in the picture,it was worse than I could see at the time.Being away from her evil behavior and demeaning attitude and remarks has been a blessing to me.

 

It get's better and better folks.I'm sure when this all settles down more and DD14 is in school and we have a semi-normal schedule,I will relax and be even stronger.

 

REVITUP

[2sunny]

Why aren't you putting a stop to her abusing your daughter further? It's not okay for her to contact when she is filling your daughter ten loads of bs.

 

Your D has the right idea - but you must ask for protection for your daughter from her Moms evil ways.

[revitup]

Why aren't you putting a stop to her abusing your daughter further? It's not okay for her to contact when she is filling your daughter ten loads of bs.

 

Your D has the right idea - but you must ask for protection for your daughter from her Moms evil ways.

 

 

Great question,Simple answer is that in NC there has to be actual documented physical threats against me in order to get the Protective Order,It is not as easy for a man as it is for a woman.If I were to lose that battle it would set up a nasty situation for my case.

 

STBXWW knows that my DD14 would have to be drug through the mud all over again in order for me to win the restraining/protective order.STBXWW also knows I will not drag her into this courtroom fiasco.That is the only way to get "No Contact Order" here in NC.

 

What is happening now is that STBXWW sends a text today,saying "I love you DD14"

And DD14 sends back,"I love you too,When are you sending my stuff".

 

I think it's healthy for DD14 to be able to vent and also not be "controlled" by me telling her every move to make.Psych Dr has stressed the "control" issue and told me to tread lightly as DD14 has had "no control" in six months.

 

We will be in the Psych Dr's office in the morning and I will tell you that I am following the advise of my Dr in all that I a m doing.If the Dr tells me to get the order even if I have to sell the farm,I will.

 

All Law Enforcement here know what is going on with the STBXWW,as soon as she crosses the "legal" line I will pounce.It just has to be a sure thing.

 

Also,this is not about a "normal" woman or man here.This is about a disturbrd BPDr!!!!You may feel I am not doing the right thing in the context of a "normal" relationship,you're right.

 

Just know that I am doing my best with what I am working with.If you want to question me on that,go find some other thread......I just got rid of a woman who did enough of that to last me a lifetime.

 

REVITUP

[2sunny]

Change your daughters phone number TODAY! Do not allow your W to have it.

 

Allowing your W to manipulate and abuse your D for one more minute is unacceptable.

 

And there's no reason to respond to any of your Wife's calls/texts! Do not answer - do not respond.

[revitup]

2sunny,You are right.

I would like to apologize for going off the rails in my post a little bit.I have had a rough week.First there was the sinus infection followed by 7 days of antibiotics,followed by the worst sore throat I have ever had and then nasty wet cold weather and the flu bug from hades.

 

Include in this the nightmare of a BPDr and the stress of her bs on myself and my DD14 as we try to make several appointments with Dr after Dr and law enforcement and there you have it.

 

I wonder if it all is just now catching up to me.I am wore out and it is showing this week.It seemed as though everyone I spoke to was "out to get me".I was snappy and irritated about everything.This isn't like me at all.

 

I even hung up on a friend of mine and then sent a text telling them I hung up,so there would be no misunderstanding about it being accidental!

 

What the heck is going on with me this past day or two?I have been steady as a rock for months and yesterday just couldn't stand anybody.

 

Anyway today I am sending texts and apologizing to my friends and they are all just saying "it's ok,we understand the stress you have been under".

 

Also my DD14 and I have decided go "NC" together in respect to the STBXWW/MOM .There can be no good thing that comes out of having contact with this devil woman at this time and maybe even ever.

 

It effects you to even have a text from this joker,that seems petty but it really does drain you and draw you into a web of thinking about the wrong things.For all who do not understand "No Contact" and how it helps you....you are seeing it in me and my DD14.Just texting with her causes despair and agony!

 

NC is for the one that has been hurt,allowing them time to get their bearings back together without the crazy input of the offender complicating the situation.

 

Again,I apologize 2sunny.

 

REVITUP

[2sunny]

Did you change your daughters phone number?

 

Thanks for the apology - I didn't see your response as offensive - you're under pressure and I understand.

[revitup]

Today we will change the number.STBXWW sent another I love you text.Nothing wrong in it,just irritating.DD14 did not answer it or respond.She has made a decision on her own that we will not communicate with STBXWW.

 

My long time Dr (today) says that we should eliminate the STBXWW from contact.She also says the STBXWW should only get strictly supervised visitation..if any at all,and only after STBXWW has been thoroughly examined by a psychologist.We agree.

 

DD14 was strong today and more came out of it.Dr prescribed a low dose of Prozac,I can say that I really don't like that but it appears it is best for DD14.

 

DD14 says today that the reason she didn't let me know about the assault on her is that the boy is in a gang!He even tried to get his own sister into it.DD14 was fearful of the repercussions of this coming out,the boy is in an alternative school now.

 

DD14 also said that she didn't call before because her mom and sister would have surely shot me on arrival and she KNEW I would come asap.She was looking out for me.

 

Dr says DD14 is way beyond her years in maturity and intellect.I am a proud papa.

 

I am a different person now than last night.I was hungry,angry and tired,three of the triggers in the acronym HALT!I knew better.I'm just glad I wasn't lonely too.

 

Anyway,it appears we will be visiting with a homeless group tomorrow and helping to feed the homeless with the local church.I think it will take our minds away from our small problems and give us some perspective on things.DD14 is excited about helping them.

 

REVITUP

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Revitup! Like Sunny shared don't be too hard on yourself, this nasty divorce business demands a high toll. Futhermore, congratulations to you and DD14 on making all the right moves under pressure.

 

Absolutely brilliant of you to prevent STBXWW's free access to DD14, your young princess has been thru so much and she will need to harness all available energy to fuel her recovery. The direct benefit to DD14 is at least 3-fold: Reinforces that Daddy continues to protect, Allows her freedom to be just a child instead of dealing with adult issues, and Prevents further injury.

 

I proudly admit to the world that after STBXH said divorce, I made it clear that he could NOT directly contact me...but rather had to communicate thru my Dad. Why you may ask did a well educated independent woman married for 15 yrs demand this?!?!?!?......Simply STBXH's purposeful abandonment knocked me down so far that I needed my Dad to protect me until I could re-gain my balance.

 

Glad you could decompress and lean on others for support.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourself. ~Mystery

[revitup]

Mystery2Me,You are very insightful and have a lot of wisdom.You will go far and I believe you already have!

 

Stay strong.

 

Thank you.

REVITUP

[revitup]

Folks,I feel the best about life,love,joy,the future and anything else I can think of now,than I have felt in at least 10 years!!!!

 

Something has sent me into hyper happy mode!It is a great feeling to know that I am free from the grip of my STBXWW.

 

Today,I have been to a "Forensic" examination with my DD14,this was requested by Law Enforcement in the case against the 17 yr old boy.It was an awful feeling to have to subject DD14 to this examination.I felt terrible for DD14.

 

DD14 reacted like a champ,the psychologists and investigators are very impressed with DD14's ability to cope and her maturity level.She held strong.

 

DD14 also started High School again today.....3rd H.S. in 1st semester,same story,DD14 loved her first day back here at home.

 

I think it all boils down to the professionals saying DD14 is lucky to have Dad!!!!And that Dad is lucky to have DD14.The professionals have told me that DD14's only chance at a "normal" life rests on my shoulders.

 

It was made clear today that DD14 and I are not to have any contact at all with STBXWW!!! Talk about NC,this is hardcore NC.It feels good to know that we have been practicing good solid plans all along.This is in no small way attributed to those of you here,who have given your input and support to me from the start.Thank you.

 

I felt the need to write this tonight for two reasons...

 

1.It needs to be documented.

 

2.The NC and 180's work.This should encourage some here who may question the process.It doesn't mean that you "get the girl back" in the end.It means that you get something even better......yourself!

 

I am a better person and much stronger.I would love to go back in time 15 years ago and slap the s@#$ out of myself!!!

 

REVITUP-New and Improved REVITUP

[Downtown]

Well, hello, New & Improved Rev. Welcome to the LoveShack forum! I am so happy for both you and your DD14. It's about time that you two are getting some good experiences and good luck. If anyone deserves it, you two certainly do.

[Mystery2Me]

Congratulations Revitup.....what a blessing!

 

It is absolutely wonderful that both you and DD14 continue to heal and are enjoying life's sweetness. Loosening the death grip of the wayward spouse, I can imagine is extremely liberating.

 

I am so glad that you also have the support of the legal system that maintaining NC is warranted and needed to adequately protect your family from further injury.

 

Finally thank you for sharing the good times and joyfulness with us, personally I find it uplifting and inspiring to know that happiness is still possible. My world is a bit gloomy and exhausting right now since Friday's divorce petition filing and addressing the next series of uncomfrontable challenges in therapy.....so here's to hoping soon the sun will shine again.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourself and DD14. ~Mystery

[revitup]

Downtown and M2M,Thank you very much for your support.

 

Mystery,there is a better day coming to you very soon.You are in this to win and you will win.Change never feels good but it always happens.Embrace it and know that God will not allow you to endure anything he hasn't already given you strength and wisdom to handle.

 

And just remember...petite,PhD,intelligent and a great work ethic!!!!!!!!

Soon to be single and happy,very happy.There are many women who would be envious of your situation.Sometimes we just don't give ourselves enough credit.I recall years ago,thinking how old I looked.Now when I look at my pictures from ten years ago......I wish I could go back to that man!

 

I thought (years ago,not now) that NOT being a part of the STBXWW's life would mean failure or disappointment for me.I was wrong.I was simply fearing the unknown,I now embrace the unknown.You will too M2M,you are way too smart to be in a relationship that doesn't support your goals and needs.

 

Sometimes God "prunes" us because we would never have the heart to do it for ourselves.I think you know that something better is out there,it just isn't clear at this point as to what that may be.Your D is of course painful and it should be or else you weren't in the M for the right reasons.

 

Pain is for a night,but joy comes in the morning.Remember that it's winter in many ways now.The great thing is that SPRING is coming quickly.You M2M will soon wake up one morning and thank God for not answering some prayers!I know I thank him for not answering mine as to being back with STBXWW!!!!

 

Today I still feel like the luckiest person in the world,I woke up in the greatest country,protected by the world's finest military and able to openly worship the Living God of my choice.I have every available option open to me today,and daydream about the woman that will be in my life one day.

 

M2M,you have just been granted a Mulligan on life,it will be clear soon.You will be stronger (as many here know) than ever before.

 

Set a time limit on how long you will give this hurt a place in your life and when you give the mourning period it's due,leave it behind.

 

You go have yourself the wonderful day you would tell my DD14 to have!!!!!

 

A GREAT ONE!!!

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

I'm very glad to see you're doing well and have had some positive steps in yours and DD's life! You are an inspiration to her and to the rest of us around here.

[Mystery2Me]

Many thanks Revitup!!!

 

True, wise word of advice, and brilliantly put in perspective. I believe that I am making positive progress, and am just going thru yet another necessary but required painful phase.

 

Your are right I am blessed, and I do not take for one second take for granted that things could be far worse. Part of giving ourselves full credit I believe is also bravely acknowledging the need to grieve the loss of our dreams, so we can appropriately heal to embrace life's new opportunities.

 

While not pleasant, I am happy to finally accept the end of my marriage and release the pain it has caused me. It is time to clear away the clutter and make room for happiness.

 

Admittedly I am scared! It is taking a great deal of effort, prayer and therapy to believe in the possibility of peace of mind, love and even more challenging to believe in sanctity of marriage.

 

Take away all of my accomplishments...I am a old-fashion woman, who believes the husband is the head of house hold and family is all that matters.

 

But inspired by you and DD14, tomorrow I will again give it my best!!!

 

Enjoy the joy and have a wonderful evening! ~Mystery

[revitup]

Mystery2Me , The old-fashioned woman outlook is excellent.It's just rare.Very rare.

 

There are two books about that very subject that come to mind....Fascinating Womanhood for the lady and Man Of Steel for the guy.They are about exactly that old-fashioned and faith based outlook.I love them both.

 

Well,it appears you and MsOptimist are movin' on up and happily overcoming this week.Making plans and being happy.That is great news and very inspiring to see someone get back up after being knocked around.

 

Keep it up and have a great weekend.

 

REVITUP