Wife left- Third Time 18 Years I'm OK

[revitup]

Oh yeah,the excessive use of the word "I" in my previous post was intentional.

 

Before now,it was intentionally limited and censored,here and in my conversations with STBXWW.

 

Today,it is all about me.....finally.

 

Jake

[Downtown]

There are thousands of articles but I need a little guidance in where I need to learn now....I would appreciate any and all insight into ...sites and support groups that would give the quickest bang for the buck so to speak.

Jake, my usual advice for reading and support groups includes the following resources. I apologize if any of it duplicates what I've already suggested in this thread. For anyone divorcing a BPDer, I recommend the book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It was written by the same author who wrote the best-selling BPD book, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

For insight on codependency, my favorite article is Shari Schreiber's DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?. Schreiber explains how we got to be excessive caregivers during our childhood. For a book on this issue, I like Codependent No More. Because codependency is not defined or mentioned in the APA's diagnostic manual, it is defined dozens of different ways online -- with the result that it is difficult to find reliable online information about it. CoDA, for example, doesn't even try to define it but, instead, simply provides a grocery list of traits that includes everything but the kitchen sink.

 

As to a BPD support group to supplement LoveShack, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. It offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Leaving" board and "Parenting after the Split" board.

 

I also suggest that, while you are at BPDfamily.com, you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorites are articles #9 and #10 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

 

Finally, for a distinction between BPD and bipolar-1, I suggest you read my description of 12 differences between the traits for those two disorders. It is provided in my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd-14.html#post4754080.

[revitup]

Downtown,

 

Just did these earlier today including registering at BPDFamily.

 

Also read everything you suggested earlier as well.It's amazing to see much you overlook at first in your quest as a BPD survivor and maybe codependent.

 

I am now growing faster than at the first.I think the base line of knowledge helps to understand the new information much better and more efficiently.

 

It helps to be "out of the fog" as well.It is really hard to see what has happened when you are fighting yourself and the thoughts that have built up over time,ruminating is the word I see now.

 

Downtown I thank you so much for the knowledge and insight you provide,I know it is a time consuming process on your part.I think I will do the same for others as I get better at this.

 

Again,I thank all of you for just being here.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

July update

 

Another great time was had by DD15 and I at Topsail Island this past weekend.We are getting closer each week and I am settling in as a single parent,the days of me being too lax on her are over.I am now being a dad and setting boundaries without fear of her wanting to go to STBXWW's as rebellion (I was afraid of being the bad guy at first with all that DD15 has been through).

 

It is all about parenting and my self examination at this point,no more digging to find something on STBXWW. There is no more trying to "figure STBXWW out".It is what it is.I am seeing that I had to have handed my personal power over to STBXWW or else she could not have taken it!

 

STBXWW still calls/texts DD15 and myself about once every two weeks,we don't answer.STBXWW still calls my SIL and my brother wanting to know what I am doing about filing the divorce papers. STBXWW knows I can't file for a few more weeks.It used to bug me and set me back every time I heard she had called,not anymore.It really does not matter why she does what she does.It will never make sense anyway.

 

It seems so nice now to just be happy and have joy.The most simple things

are important now.DD15 just got a new bikini -I am gonna have a hard time with boys! All of a sudden (15yrs old) things are showing up that weren't as pronounced before.She looks like a young lady more and more each day.It is awesome to see her grow but also a little bit painful to see "Daddy's little girl" is that little anymore.

 

DD15 will now be driving (permit) and we are making goals and plans for trips (we are at the beach almost weekly) to exciting new places that she can drive me to now! We are setting goals for her first car and what she has to do in order to earn the money for it.

 

In other words,life is great and healing is happening.

 

Thank you all.

 

Jake

[bentleychic]

NM replied not realizing this thread was started so long ago! lol

[Downtown]

Jake, thanks for giving us another detailed update. I was wondering how you two are doing. It seems like you make great strides in healing nearly every week. As to your DD15, I would be more concerned about the driving than the boys. I still shudder to think that our country allows 15 year olds to drive on the highway. Best of luck with both the driving and her teenage boyfriends.

[revitup]

Yet another good time was had by DD15 and myself at the beach this weekend.We went offshore yesterday (Sunday) and it was a blast.DD15 laughed and smiled all weekend.We saw dolphins all the way out to the grounds and they played and rode the waves in the wake of the boat.DD15 loved it.

 

We seem to be happier no matter what we are doing now.It can be simple like walking on the beach or an offshore adventure.It really is great folks.we are fortunate to have had the opportunity to spend so much bonding time together this year.DD15 is grateful and it shows.

 

I wanted to add that STBXWW evidently sent a text (yesterday) to DD15....saying "I saw a heart shaped image in a mowed lawn and it made me think of you,I love you"? This really makes me sick to my stomach and it is not fooling DD15.We saw this hoovering with STBXWW's mother as well.She hoovered the STBXWW just before every holiday,only to smash all of us at the coming of the holiday.It is just a way of "keeping you hooked".It is not working on DD15.

 

DD15 had just written a letter "out of the blue" on Friday to her mother (she has not decided if she will send it or not).It was extremely well written and to the point without being mean.It was harsh but not mean spirited.I see it as healthy and part of healing.

 

My focus has been on what my character flaws are that would cause me to close my eyes and "settle" for this relationship 18 years ago.It appears that I let down all my personal boundaries when it came to STBXWW.I am reestablishing these boundaries along with my values and beliefs.

 

Long story short....

 

We're growing up.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

Good morning all,

 

I just went back and reread my first posts and the response from all of you.It is amazing to see it all play out exactly as you said it would.

 

1.Gunny said I wasn't going....I was already gone! Gunny was right

 

2.I was told that one day I would be a better person and I would see things differently.....I do.

 

3.I was told the 180's and NC would lift the fog and improve me...they did.

 

4.I was told that one day I would no longer be available if STBXWW was to try and come back,she hasn't yet.....but I am no longer available for her at all,ever.

 

5.I was told STBXWW would trade down.....she did,bottom of the barrel down.

 

I'm posting this because I have been reading other posts that boggle my mind.There are some who do not understand the wisdom of following the sage advise of those who have already seen this movie before.They just want to "do it their way" in spite of the advise they are getting from the veterans here.

 

Why would someone ask you for advise and then do what they please in spite of the advise?Would these people benefit from MC or IC if they will not follow anyone's "free" advise? I think not.

 

I guess we all have to learn the hard way sometimes.I am glad I was silly enough to follow the advise I got here.It worked and I am the best for it.

 

Thank you

 

REVITUP

[Gunny376]

Why would someone ask you for advise and then do what they please in spite of the advise?Would these people benefit from MC or IC if they will not follow anyone's "free" advise? I think not.

 

There's a name for these kind of people! They're called "Askholes" And then don't take it advice for advice and then don't take it!

 

I don't claim to have any and all of the answers to all of the questions nor all of the solutions to all of the promblems. I known a lot about a alot of different things, and then there's a lot I've got to learn?

 

And the single most important thing I need to 'man-up' and learn? I've still got a lot to learn!

[vla1120]

Wow. Just. Wow. Your journey was a fascinating read. You've been through so much and are an inspiration, Rev. You always give the best advice out here. I'm glad I found this site. My situation is different than most. The years that I went through my turmoil and strife have already passed. I wish I'd had this site for support back then. I might not have let myself spiral down into depression and low self-esteem, but I'm glad I found it now.

[revitup]

vla,thank you.The reason I recovered so fast (apparently fast) was because of Gunny,Downtown,Yas,2Sunny and many many more here.Even the ones who run off the rails and come back are inspiring.

 

Gunny,it's great to see you back,I was worried a little.

 

DD15 and I have been at the beach so much this year (my brother's vacant Topsail Island beach house is free).I don't post every little trip here as I once did.I think we are growing so fast that the small things are just to be expected these days.I mean things like bike riding,beach walking and offshore trips.

 

It seems so good for the best things in life to once again seem NORMAL to us.

 

We just now finished a bike ride....myself and two 15 year olds,DD15 and her 15 yr old friend.Now for the rub!!!

 

The only thing I (50 yr old Jakester) and these 15 yr old kids have in common is...............None of us have ridden a bicycle since the 5th Grade!!

 

The Jakester crushed them kids,they could not keep up with my slowest speed.I am not kidding.We went 5 miles and back.The first 1/2 mile almost gave me a stroke when all of a sudden the competitor came out in me and I smoked them young 'ens .The burn was awsome,I feel great and it's good to be here and hopefully give some sort of insight to anyone who asks.

 

Again,thanks to you all.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

I just noticed, while doing a little prep work for a 4pm atty meeting (another issue altogether,not STBXWW) that it's my wedding anniversary today!I really had forgotten it!

 

 

Haha .....It makes me laugh out loud!

[2sunny]

Her drugs of choice and using will never allow you to understand the "real her".

 

An active users behavior and choices will never make sense to the one not using.

 

Unless you really know - you can't really know.

 

I have the opportunity often (after the druggies get sober) to understand the twisted world they created - and it's designed to never make sense to the ones closest to them.

 

I hope you (and your daughter) don't take things personally. She's altered - she's out of her mind - she's a complete druggy!

 

You can't do anything to make that ok...for her!

 

You CAN continue to eliminate her from your life and keep on MOVING FORWARD!

 

Glad you've been doing well! Glad you're watching out for your daughters best interest.

 

 

From my experience - your D is best served never seeing her Mom again - unless she shows EVIDENCE that everything about her has changed!

[revitup]

I'm definite about allowing nothing but supervised contact between STBXWW and DD15 at this point.It will be a requirement that STBXWW undergo a psych evaluation and drug screening before any court ordered visitation.

 

Currently there is no contact between DD15 and STBXWW because DD15 does not want it and STBXWW has not asked to see her.

 

It seems extreme to take these measures but I have witnessed the aftermath of drugs.It gets ugly as they go downhill and they do not care who they take with them.They only get better when they hit bottom,rock bottom.

 

Even if STBXWW was to get sober,she would then be faced with the BPD and other issues which are going to take years to overcome if ever.This go-round STBXWW will not have REVITUP there as a caretaker.

 

REVITUP

[Gunny376]

Gunny,it's great to see you back,I was worried a little.

 

I haven't had the time to do much more than lurk these days as I've been touched by the Curse of the Beast. Six, six, six ~ six in the evening until six in the morning ~ six days a week. That's on my off and slow week, this week is six to six ~ seven days a week at work. I started out where I work at a your basic grunt, ~ assembly tech, moved up to another position, and then another, and then to QC ~ quality control, and then up to my own department to which they added another department. I fired half, shook up the other half, and drove half of their lazy azzes off. Things really started looking up once I got their attention. They want me to go salary ~ but I told them I couldn't do it as I'm currently on the clock and would actually being doing the same job ~ working the same job ~ for less money. And being retired Marine Corps ~ money is all they've got to offer me?

 

I plan to stay at it in-so-long as its a win~win situation, and it suits me, my goals, etc? I'm doing it more for the intellectual challenge, and stimuli' than anything else. When it ceases to be a challenge and a project, I'll probally move on to other things.

 

I like creating something that once was nothing, and that others can't or have failed to do? Which where I'm at isn't hard, as they're accustomed to people sub-standard preforming, don't give a ****, lazy, worthless, self entitled.

 

But I really enjoy team building, organizing, leading, managing, developing, creating, being a trainer, a leader, being a mentor to others. I don't ever plan on completely and fully retiring. In so long as the Good Lord gives me the strength and ability to get up and get vertical I'm going to find me something to get up to and go do each and everyday!

[revitup]

Gunny!

 

Yup,been there with the "excitement program" . They offer you the "President Chairman Emeritus The Magnificent" Gunny title.....if you will only accept the "salary" position.This way they get people like us (they know we stay late and come in early no matter what we are paid) to work for 16 hours a day and be paid for 40 hrs a week!They know we don't stop until we have completed the mission.

 

Also I see we think alike in the team building and workplace environment dept.I would go into a failing business and start day one to blow out all of the dead wood.Then I would bring in newbies that would learn quickly along with trusted professionals I had trained myself and had proven trustworthy over the years.I had no problem firing every single person there and doing their jobs myself until I hired new ones.

 

I do really thank you Gunny,in the beginning of this mess I got the talk I needed from you.I appreciate it.

 

Life is good today and I am gonna go out this door and ride bikes now!

 

Have a great day Gunny!

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

Great day today followed up with some positive conversation with DD15 and myself.

 

We biked for hours this morning (no beach this week,but Offshore tournament next weekend)!It was all good and then we went to the movies and came home.

 

DD15 came to me and let me know some feelings she is having and the following is what is going on (I copied it from the abuse side).

 

 

My STBXWW has been sending texts to DD15 more recently.Now she sends them almost every week.I had originally blocked her but allowed the 90 day block to fall off.

 

The texts are not anything really bad on the surface.The one last night (STBXWW usually sends a text to DD15 every other week) was "When does school start ? I love you and miss you".

 

It causes more damage in DD15 than it is worth,DD15 and I just went to the movies and when we returned home she told me she has written STBXWW a letter.This letter is brutal but concise as well as totally accurate.

 

I am allowing DD15 to send the letter.I feel it will be part of DD15's healing. DD15 has been holding back her tears lately and our talk tonight was excellent.She is at the acceptance stage at this moment and has really opened up to me.

 

My plans are to block all texts coming from STBXWW again and keep her out of DD15's head.STBXWW has some agenda in mind by sending these texts to DD15 from time to time.It is not helpful to continue allowing the texts to happen.DD15 suggested stopping the texts as well.STBXWW needs to hit bottom and then apologize before she has any right to contact my daughter.

 

I just wondered if any of you had any opinions on these seemingly harmless texts and sometimes a (rare) card in the mail to DD15.I see them as "hoovering and holding on".I see them as no good for DD15 at the moment.DD15 also sees them as causing her pain.

 

Note: Therapist also says to cut off STBXWW's contact to DD15.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

Today is a day of STBXWW craziness.I took DD15 to get her drivers permit,they had to have the originals of her birth certificate and S.S. card and I have certified photocopies only.They said to get the originals.

 

The problem is that STBXWW asked for the documents after going wayward last year and I sent them to her.It was for my DD15's benefit as DD15 was living there in S.C. with STBXWW.

 

Well,I had to suck it up today (NC for months) and send her a text, asking her to send the birth certificate and S.S. card.This proved to be a nightmare.

 

STBXWW answered the text five hours later (DD15 is excited and wants her permit) upsetting both DD15 and myself with a non-answer.STBXWW sends back "are you filing the D, is it uncontested still and how much Child Support will you accept"?

 

WTF...I send back "are you sending her birth certificate and S.S. card"?

 

STBXWW sends back "I can just file the D on Friday"

 

REVITUP- "go ahead,I will have my attorney notified"

 

STBXWW- "you are still doing uncontested...right"?

 

STBXWW- "do you want to be divorced or not"?

 

REVITUP- "are you sending the BC and SS card"

 

STBXWW - "class is starting (6:00 pm) will you be up at 10:00 pm"?

 

REVITUP- "yup"

 

7:00 pm STBXWW - calls me twice and I do not answer ( I guess class let her out) not!

 

10:00 pm STBXWW sends "I am out of class" (ironic thing is she is right on this one) she is OUT of CLASS.

 

I then send back " cool,are you sending the BC and SS card tomorrow?

10:03 I get two calls (I do not answer)

 

Then STBXWW sends a text asking if I will take 150-175 per month and no contest!

 

This is her problem,I am no longer under the anesthesia she applied to my happy azz.This woman doesn't know I received a copy of her "voluntary" child support agreement today.In the document it says STBXWW is telling them she is not working now (she is for herself and dope/sex dealers) and that she is moving to Miami?She even gave them the address of her new "employer".

 

STBXWW lived within two miles of there in her youth after leaving her family's home in VA (20 yrs old,she ran away from home leaving a newborn with her crazy mother) and that is the same area that STBXWW worked as a stripper and escort in order to supply her and her bf's crack addiction.This was two yrs before I met her.

 

In this temporary agreement she gave them it stipulates a 90 day period for her to provide an employer pay stub to reevaluate the amount of Child Support.It sets the temporary amount at $187.00 per month (ironic that 187 is a code for homicide-STBXWW planned to shoot me last August).This sickens me as STBXWW received more than double that amount for her DD21 by her baby daddy,while I raised and supported the little girl.

 

Now this jerk wad of a woman dares to tell me she needs it to be light as "she needs all the money she can get to go to school" ! WTF......I do not care about her education (she will not finish anyway).She never does.

 

I really don't care for her money (the DD15's boat STBXWW stole was worth 3x what STBXWW will pay for the two years @187.00)

 

STBXWW thinks I haven't received the child support papers yet.Wow she is gone.

 

DD15 is so angry about the stupidity and lack of concern.STBXWW never said a word to DD15 about moving to Fl.

 

I really don't want to speak to her again.I am a strong man and still it screws with your head when an idiot acts like an idiot.

 

For you non-BPD victim newbies,this is classic hoovering combined with some kind of testing as to my resolve.She failed,I am pissed but not at all out of control or taking any garbage from this childlike spasm she is having.

 

My take is that STBXWW is running and out of control,lala land is asking for rent now and the tail isn't enough to pay the bill anymore.That's not my problem,never will it be my problem again.STBXWW made her bed,slept with many men in it and I will not clean it up nor sleep in it again.

 

The STBXWW never actually ANSWERS any real question DD15 and I ask her!Never! STBXWW did the same thing months ago when DD15 asked by phone if STBXWW was sending DD15's personal things her to her.STBXWW never answered,she just diverted the question with another question of her own.This is actually pretty funny to watch her wiggle around the questions and not get the satisfaction of having me or DD15 bite this time.We have wised up.

 

I am ordering the Birth Cert and SS cards in the morning.I have no intention of ever asking STBXWW for anything again.

 

Lesson learned.....a dog who doesn't learn her lesson.....returns to her vomit.

 

We are one lucky family (DD15 and REVITUP).

 

REVITUP

[Downtown]

Yes, smart decision, Jake. Just order new originals from the government.

[Misadventure]

Rev, I am so amazed at how strong you are in this. And you are. Even though I know you are upset..I can see in your words, you are strong and you are a good Dad. You are right..she is OUT of class.

[road]

She is banging this guy.

 

3rd time this happened means 3rd OM.

 

Her mom is Bi pole, she is Bi pole.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Rev:

 

Your daughter gets that her mother is toxic, your therapist gets it. You get it. It's ok to keep her from contacting your daughter.

 

 

Try not to assign mothering behaviors to her that don't exist. She is a whack job, there is no telling what she will do.

 

Cut her out of your daughters life and tell your daughter that if she is ever interested in reaching back out to let you know.

 

You are an awesome dad.

[revitup]

It gets even better..............Narcissistic 101

 

STBXWW late last night sent the following-

 

"I think that you should accept $150.00 per month in child support as I am in school at night and also have bills to pay,also I think the custodial parent should agree in the D to drive the child to the other parent each month for visitation"!

 

I just sent back "I think we will let the lawyers handle this" I also will never send another text nor answer the phone from her again,never.

 

Woweeeeee,I really have never seen anything this crazy in my life,even from this Nazi woman.STBXWW does not know ,that I know ,she is moving to FLA but even so....STBXWW actually thinks that I should get $150.00 per month to support my DD15 and also drive either 5 hours to S.C. or 12 Hours to Miami from here in NC so she can see DD15?

 

It appears to me that she has boarded the Crazy Train and driving that thing harder each day.This is down right foolish.

 

This (for those like Downtown and myself) is expected behavior from a Narcissistic BPDr folks.It seems whacked to anyone else.

 

This is the child like stage I am seeing today,STBXWW thinks she is actually in control and that she is so worthy and wonderful that I should just allow her to have her way no matter what she does.That is exactly what she is expecting,that I will (as before) just be all over bending over and taking her abusive behavior.STBXWW thinks she is talking to her parent or authority figure who should only care about HER needs and disregard all other personal responsibilities.

 

I see this as "testing" again as well.STBXWW really wants to know if she has a place to land when she runs out of fuel and she is sucking fumes now!

 

Miasadventure-You are seeing what happens when a man or woman wakes up from the FOG.Thank you for your comments,I am stronger and more relaxed today than in several years.It is wonderful to laugh at the childlike texts and foolish behavior of this woman.I may appear to be angry sometimes but it is really just funny now!If I could not laugh about this I would be as crazy as she is.

 

Downtown-yup I am getting the documents from the Gov,I knew better but got a little weak and perhaps just wanted to have a peek back at the crazy train I was riding with STBXWW.I won't do that again.

 

To all the others who support me in these days,I thank you all.It means alot to have someone who actually appreciates something about me,I haven't had that at home in many years.

 

REVITUP

[Downtown]

STBXWW actually thinks that I should ...drive either 5 hours to S.C. or 12 Hours to Miami from here in NC so she can see DD15?

Sounds reasonable to me. And, while you're at it, would you mind picking up a leather Chesterfield sofa for me in High Point and delivering it to my front door? I live six hours north of you.

[bentleychic]

I haven't been able to read this entire thread, but since it sounds like the ex is a sleazy low life (sorry!) and has your DD's social security card, I would strongly suggest doing a credit check, etc. on your daughter to be sure that your ex hasn't used your dd's name and ss# to sign up to credit cards, loans, etc. and anything else that you can think of.