I Don't like my husband's son

[Shelly72]

Oh he's shocked, I don't think he saw this coming. He's been telling me no one will ever love me like he does, and can't believe I'd do this to him after all the things he's done for me. I'm stupid if I think there's anything better out there, because there's not.

 

Then he told me I can't leave him, he needs me. He won't let me leave, he'll do anything to make sure I don't. I'm his end of story, he won't let me be with anyone else...

[pink_sugar]

He's been telling me no one will ever love me like he does, and can't believe I'd do this to him after all the things he's done for me. I'm stupid if I think there's anything better out there, because there's not.

 

He said you're stupid or you're saying that about yourself? And yes, do NOT sell yourself short. If he loved you so much like he so desperately claims, he wouldn't have cheated, much less gotten another woman pregnant and continue to sleep with her under your nose. For him to say basically you won't find anyone else who loves you more is like saying you don't deserve better than a cheating husband. There is many, many men out there who will treat you right. This is emotional abuse right here. You want him to be happy, but he doesn't wish the same for you.

 

Then he told me I can't leave him, he needs me. He won't let me leave, he'll do anything to make sure I don't. I'm his end of story, he won't let me be with anyone else...

 

You need to get out of there, Shelly. This man is sick and trying to control you. I am afraid to know what he'll do if you try to leave him.

[Leigh 87]

You need to show him that your a quality women, who deserves a man who will not cheat.

 

Plain and simple - you need to tell him " I am leaving, because there are men who will not cheat on me. YOu may not think that I am good enough to attract a decent man, but I am, and I will"

 

 

 

 

Go for walks, lose some weight, be a quality women who is active, fit, and try to look for work and save up so you can further your skills. If you have no skills, you will live on welfare... You need a way to get skills, so you can earn money and have some dignity. You have to TRY to move forward, towards and end goal.

 

 

You have turned into a women who is not demanding that a guy has to treat you well. Your ACTIONS to this bully, are telling him that your a low quality women who cannot find a man who will treat her well; so he isn't.

 

The other women is in law school. Maybe she is better looking then you. He probably thinks she has more things going for her, and respects her more than he respects you. It sounds like your husband was your whole world for years, and you have forgotten to make YOURSELF a good women. You only depended on your husband and family.

 

I believe, that if you stop challenging yourself and your partner, by learning new things such as a laguage, a new skill, or just generally talking about issues that you have an opinion on - if you are STAGNANT, and remain the same person, people tend to lose respect for you one way or another.

 

Basically, it sounds like you sat around just feeling happy to be this wife and mother of his children.

Why don't you show YOURSELf, that you too can be a women who is busy finding skills so YOU TOO can get a job and even career?

At least get a basic low wage job if studying or furthering your career at your age is not appealing - You CAN live with respect in a low wage job - just work out, be active and look afte ryour body well so you look and eel great, join meet up groups so u always try to meet new people and new friends, learn a language or instrument, etc.....

[turnera]

Oh he's shocked, I don't think he saw this coming. He's been telling me no one will ever love me like he does, and can't believe I'd do this to him after all the things he's done for me. I'm stupid if I think there's anything better out there, because there's not.

 

Then he told me I can't leave him, he needs me. He won't let me leave, he'll do anything to make sure I don't. I'm his end of story, he won't let me be with anyone else...

Shelly, ALL of this is straight out of Abuser Handbook 101. ALL of it.

 

Do this: pack a bag of necessities for you and any kids still living at home. Keep it in your car. Keep your keys in your pocket at all times, even sleeping. Keep your purse by the door. Google the nearest Women's Shelter to you and print out directions to their place and keep that in your purse.

 

That way, if he DOES try to 'prevent' you from leaving, you have a safe® way out.

[Shelly72]

He said you're stupid or you're saying that about yourself? And yes, do NOT sell yourself short. If he loved you so much like he so desperately claims, he wouldn't have cheated, much less gotten another woman pregnant and continue to sleep with her under your nose. For him to say basically you won't find anyone else who loves you more is like saying you don't deserve better than a cheating husband. There is many, many men out there who will treat you right. This is emotional abuse right here. You want him to be happy, but he doesn't wish the same for you.

 

 

 

You need to get out of there, Shelly. This man is sick and trying to control you. I am afraid to know what he'll do if you try to leave him.

He's been saying all this to me.

[bentnotbroken]

You need to show him that your a quality women, who deserves a man who will not cheat.

 

Plain and simple - you need to tell him " I am leaving, because there are men who will not cheat on me. YOu may not think that I am good enough to attract a decent man, but I am, and I will"

 

 

 

 

Go for walks, lose some weight, be a quality women who is active, fit, and try to look for work and save up so you can further your skills. If you have no skills, you will live on welfare... You need a way to get skills, so you can earn money and have some dignity. You have to TRY to move forward, towards and end goal.

 

 

You have turned into a women who is not demanding that a guy has to treat you well. Your ACTIONS to this bully, are telling him that your a low quality women who cannot find a man who will treat her well; so he isn't.

 

The other women is in law school. Maybe she is better looking then you. He probably thinks she has more things going for her, and respects her more than he respects you. It sounds like your husband was your whole world for years, and you have forgotten to make YOURSELF a good women. You only depended on your husband and family.

 

I believe, that if you stop challenging yourself and your partner, by learning new things such as a laguage, a new skill, or just generally talking about issues that you have an opinion on - if you are STAGNANT, and remain the same person, people tend to lose respect for you one way or another.

 

Basically, it sounds like you sat around just feeling happy to be this wife and mother of his children.

Why don't you show YOURSELf, that you too can be a women who is busy finding skills so YOU TOO can get a job and even career?

At least get a basic low wage job if studying or furthering your career at your age is not appealing - You CAN live with respect in a low wage job - just work out, be active and look afte ryour body well so you look and eel great, join meet up groups so u always try to meet new people and new friends, learn a language or instrument, etc.....

 

 

I know you are trying to be helpful but this is these are some of the most sexist words I have read in awhile from someone who says they are educated. She doesn't need to do anything other than kick his azz out the door and then get some help for her issues.

[pink_sugar]

He's been saying all this to me.

 

I hate to say it, but you went from an abusive childhood to an abusive husband. It happens all the time. It's the reason my H doesn't have any contact with his mother, it's because of his stepfather. I'm glad you're not letting this become you.

[Leigh 87]

I know you are trying to be helpful but this is these are some of the most sexist words I have read in awhile from someone who says they are educated. She doesn't need to do anything other than kick his azz out the door and then get some help for her issues.

 

 

I agree - she is with an abusive partner, and she needs to realize she deserves better, and to kick his @ss out the door asap, and get help for her issues.

 

However, the point I was adressing, was that it looks like she has used all her energy and a lot of her time, in pleasing her husband, rather than establish a lief for herself.

 

She seams like the one who wants to make a loving relationship work with her husband - and in the process, forgotten that she should also work on herself, and on how she can be happy WITH or WITHOUT her husband.

 

What I am saying is very true: a LOT of women that sound like Shelly, tend to forget themselves, because they are so focused on making things work with their partners.

They do not think ' hang on, maybe I should do things to build my own confidence so that I am happy on my own, regardless of wheather my relationship with my husband do not work out"

 

Lastly - ENOUGH jabs at my education!!!!!!!!!!!! It is extremely snobby.

I am average in terms of intelligence. At least.

I have college educated friends, and I can talk to college educated people with degrees, without it being the least bit obvious that I am " below them" in terms of my vocabulary.

You really need to get out and see that most people are not college educated, and cannot craft eloquent, essay quality replies on here.....

[pink_sugar]

I agree - she is with an abusive partner, and she needs to realize she deserves better, and to kick his @ss out the door asap, and get help for her issues.

 

However, the point I was adressing, was that it looks like she has used all her energy and a lot of her time, in pleasing her husband, rather than establish a lief for herself.

 

She seams like the one who wants to make a loving relationship work with her husband - and in the process, forgotten that she should also work on herself, and on how she can be happy WITH or WITHOUT her husband.

 

What I am saying is very true: a LOT of women that sound like Shelly, tend to forget themselves, because they are so focused on making things work with their partners.

They do not think ' hang on, maybe I should do things to build my own confidence so that I am happy on my own, regardless of wheather my relationship with my husband do not work out"

 

Lastly - ENOUGH jabs at my education!!!!!!!!!!!! It is extremely snobby.

I am average in terms of intelligence. At least.

I have college educated friends, and I can talk to college educated people with degrees, without it being the least bit obvious that I am " below them" in terms of my vocabulary.

You really need to get out and see that most people are not college educated, and cannot craft eloquent, essay quality replies on here.....

I don't think anyone is nesicarily looking fo essay replies, but you kept saying women (plural) when talking about the OP instead of woman. I was a little confused when reading that post.

[pureinheart]

My kids and I talked about it and they both understand I have to do this for myself and for them. My daughter is more upset than my son who seems almost relieved.

 

My husband on the other hand, didn't take it well at all... He's yelled, thrown things, punched the wall, and now he's crying and telling me I can't go.

 

Seriously, he sounds like a spoiled rotton little BRAT, and sounds like a bigtime control freak...he needs to grow the hell up. You'll find Shelly, that the older you get, the less adult temper tantrums and drama will be tolerated...life is wayyyyy too short.

[Leigh 87]

I don't think anyone is nesicarily looking fo essay replies, but you kept saying women (plural) when talking about the OP instead of woman. I was a little confused when reading that post.

 

 

 

Well plenty of people on here make spelling errors and are not the best at putting together replys, yet I am the one who is always bloody picked on for" my lack of education" when people in my real life think I am quiet clever, or certainly not STUPID, or below average...

 

And I do belive that Shellys predicament is something that many women can relate to ( sadly...).

Come on, Shelly has probably invested a lot of her time in her relationship - she must want to mae it worth, even though he cheated on her.. The relationship is obviously so important to her, that is superceded life in general.

I had a theory: that there was a correlationn between women who stay with cheating and bad husbands, to women who give too much of their soul to bad relationships and do not focus on their own lives, independantly of their partners

[bentnotbroken]

I agree - she is with an abusive partner, and she needs to realize she deserves better, and to kick his @ss out the door asap, and get help for her issues.

 

However, the point I was adressing, was that it looks like she has used all her energy and a lot of her time, in pleasing her husband, rather than establish a lief for herself.

 

She seams like the one who wants to make a loving relationship work with her husband - and in the process, forgotten that she should also work on herself, and on how she can be happy WITH or WITHOUT her husband.

 

What I am saying is very true: a LOT of women that sound like Shelly, tend to forget themselves, because they are so focused on making things work with their partners.

They do not think ' hang on, maybe I should do things to build my own confidence so that I am happy on my own, regardless of wheather my relationship with my husband do not work out"

 

Lastly - ENOUGH jabs at my education!!!!!!!!!!!! It is extremely snobby.

I am average in terms of intelligence. At least.

I have college educated friends, and I can talk to college educated people with degrees, without it being the least bit obvious that I am " below them" in terms of my vocabulary.

You really need to get out and see that most people are not college educated, and cannot craft eloquent, essay quality replies on here.....

 

 

 

Firstly, when I jab...you and everyone else will know it. Secondly, your view was very sexist and skewed toward thinking being a SAHM mom and pleasing her husband are something to be ashamed of. This situation is unhealthy but you posted about looks (assuming she was anything other than attractive). As I said I understand you were trying to help....your words were offensive not only to me but some others. And I said so.

[Leigh 87]

Firstly, when I jab...you and everyone else will know it. Secondly, your view was very sexist and skewed toward thinking being a SAHM mom and pleasing her husband are something to be ashamed of. This situation is unhealthy but you posted about looks (assuming she was anything other than attractive). As I said I understand you were trying to help....your words were offensive not only to me but some others. And I said so.

 

 

I am not ashamed of anything. I am a good person, I enjoy giving to charity, am lovely to get along with, and am friendly, happy, positive peoples person. I treat my friends and people I love very well. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

I did not allude to her not being attractive, or any bad type of person or wife.

 

My only point is: it must be an all consuming effort, to try to keep a husband who is in love with another women and who cheated.... Therefore, she may not have much energy left for herself.

 

What on earth is wrong with that?

 

That is literally all I meant by what I said.

 

 

And I always tell people to improve their own confidence, and try to improve their OWN lives, as I believe this can help a little bit.

[BetheButterfly]

5 years ago my husband cheated on me with some tramp he met, she ended up getting pregnant. We almost got divorced, but we were able to work through it.

 

This girl is in her final year of law school and has had to study for a lot of tests lately. I'm not sure if I believe that, but my husband says it's true. She's been leaving him with us when she studies and he's been here for what seems like forever.

 

When he talks to me I don't even want to respond, I can't stand him. He cries constantly, makes a mess of my house, and just plain gets on my nerves.

 

Yesterday I was reading a book on my couch in our living room while my husband was running errands, he left his son here with me and he played in the next room. All the sudden he ran into the room and put his head in my lap. I told him to sit up and never do it again. Why did he do that? I'm not his mother.

 

My husband keeps telling me it's not his fault, but for some reason I can't get over it.

 

What should I do?

 

Children normally sense when someone doesn't like them. I feel for the kid.

 

What I personally think you should do are the following:

 

1. Learn to love this child. Talk with him. Ask him what he likes... dinosaurs, star wars, cars, legos, animals, whatever?... and then spend time playing with him.

 

Right now you are just thinking of yourself. That is not only hurtful to you, but it's hurting this little child too. Children need love, support, and attention. Who cares that he's not your biological child? The fact is that he is a human being who needs love, and you have the opportunity to make a positive difference in his life, or a negative difference. Your choice. I hope you choose wisely.

 

2. Spend time tutoring this child. Does this child know how to read? If not or if he is learning, read at least one good child's book with him per day, and help him recognize/practice words. That will help his future. Going over simple addition is also a great thing to do at that age, as well as going on nature walks and finding impromptu science lessons, like identifying trees.

 

3. Remember this child is a human being who needs to be loved and educated.

Instead of focusing on yourself, why not focus on making this little kid's life better? If you do so, I bet you will feel better too.

 

By the way, the reason the child put his head in your lap is because

1. He needed/craved love and attention.

2. He wants to love you and be loved by you, like hopefully his mom loves him.

 

Please please please for the sake of this child's future, please get rid of your resentment towards him and instead love him It will make a positive difference. Too many children have issues growing up because they have felt resentment against them from others. Please be a good influence in his life? I think if you are a positive role model in his life, that will greatly benefit his life and yours as well.

[BetheButterfly]

My kids and I talked about it and they both understand I have to do this for myself and for them. My daughter is more upset than my son who seems almost relieved.

 

My husband on the other hand, didn't take it well at all... He's yelled, thrown things, punched the wall, and now he's crying and telling me I can't go.

 

 

Well, I understand your wanting to leave your husband, if I understand you correctly?

 

I do feel so sorry for this little child though... I imagine it would be very difficult to have a father like that. Children with unstable home lives have a much more difficult time in life.

[turnera]

was that it looks like she has used all her energy and a lot of her time, in pleasing her husband, rather than establish a lief for herself.

Leigh, I think that some may have taken umbrage to your words because, well, they sound like the perspective of a 25 year old, and Shelly is 39 (I think). Talking about getting tight and wearing hot clothes and stuff isn't really what's going to get her feeling better; it's great for someone in her 20s but at 40, we may need to focus on other things to (1) get proud of ourselves and (2) get ahead.

 

Otherwise, you are spot on.

[turnera]

Children normally sense when someone doesn't like them. I feel for the kid.

 

Bethe, it may help to read the whole thread before replying so you don't have to amend your posts; you'd have read that the husband is abusive, is still carrying on with the OW, and that Shelly is filing for divorce.

[BetheButterfly]

Bethe, it may help to read the whole thread before replying so you don't have to amend your posts; you'd have read that the husband is abusive, is still carrying on with the OW, and that Shelly is filing for divorce.

 

I think that is for the best, because the way she thinks and is treating the child is not helpful to the child. I consider hating a child to be abuse too (emotional abuse), because children can normally feel hatred against them. It also sounds like the father has issues too, and hopefully he does not take his issues out on the child. So, it is good that Shelly no longer is around the child she "hates" if she is not going to learn to love him. Ideally, it would be wonderful for the child to have all the adults in his life to be kind and loving to him. Being hated just hurts people.

[BetheButterfly]

Shelley has 2 threads going... and it makes for distressing reading.

Basically, she's feisty and opinionated here, but in truth, is a doormat/victim for her husband to walk all over, while he continues to entertain his mistress, and favours this child above his own children with Shelley....

Shelley claims her H 'rescued' her from an abusive background, but in fact, perpetuated that atmosphere.

 

It is sad how abuse triggers abuse, and how many abused people end up with abusers.

 

That negative cycle is sadly strong, but it is possible to break the cycle, with love. (not the mushy gushy emotional feeling, but rather the action of caring for another and not treating the other badly).

 

My sister works at a women's shelter, and she sees so many cases of women who were abused as kids marrying/having boyfriends who are abusers. It is like they go from the fire into the frying pan and their kids are affected too.

 

In Kansas City, a mom was recently found to have locked her older child in a closet for years, mistreating her. Why? I have no idea. However, I suspect it was because the Mom was abused and selected that daughter (she has 2 younger ones who she treated very well as far as anyone knows) to be the one she abused.

 

Love is the only way to cure a family from the cycle of abuse. Hating a child to me is incomprehensible, but maybe it is because of the abuse she endured as a child, and then being married to an abuser?

[BetheButterfly]

It's not because I'm jealous at all, I loved watching them together. He was so happy, when we went home it was all he could talk about. Seeing him like that is the best thing ever. Him being happy has been my number one priority for years, it's more important than anything in the world.

 

It's obvious he doesn't love me anymore, although he was all over me last night. I mean he went and slept with someone else the other night.

 

I never want to make him have to stay with me when he doesn't want to. That's not not fair to him. If he's not with me he can be with her and their son. Our kids are old enough that they don't need him around all the time.

 

His son deserves what my kids have had. A daddy that's around and loves them more than anything. He really is the perfect dad. I'm doing this for him.

 

Shelly,

 

I am glad to hear that you believe his son deserves what your kids have. However, I also hear a lot of pain in this. Reading more into your posts, I understand why you have wrestled with hate, because of the pain and lack of true love in your own childhood.

 

Please don't say that this guy is perfect. He's not. Nobody is perfect, actually.

 

It is hard when a person is a cheater and emotionally abusive, as well as physical abusive at least once. Please go to a women's shelter and see if there's free counseling, because sad to say it's such a horrible cycle that many women who have been abused in the past go through, getting into relationships with people who are abusers who negatively affect them as well. It wouldn't be good to leave this marriage and enter into another relationship with someone who is an abuser and could hurt your kids.

 

Please be careful and please get help, because hatred just hurts you too. You can let it go and enjoy a wonderful life with your own kids, and leave the past behind with help and support!

[turnera]

I think that is for the best, because the way she thinks and is treating the child is not helpful to the child. I consider hating a child to be abuse too (emotional abuse), because children can normally feel hatred against them. It also sounds like the father has issues too, and hopefully he does not take his issues out on the child. So, it is good that Shelly no longer is around the child she "hates" if she is not going to learn to love him. Ideally, it would be wonderful for the child to have all the adults in his life to be kind and loving to him. Being hated just hurts people.

Oh believe me, we were all telling her the same thing at first, until it became clear what the real story was. Now the boy won't have to be harmed any further.

[sally4sara]

Leigh, I think that some may have taken umbrage to your words because, well, they sound like the perspective of a 25 year old, and Shelly is 39 (I think). Talking about getting tight and wearing hot clothes and stuff isn't really what's going to get her feeling better; it's great for someone in her 20s but at 40, we may need to focus on other things to (1) get proud of ourselves and (2) get ahead.

 

Otherwise, you are spot on.

 

I don't think it was a conscious effort to insult for Leigh. She is at that age where she still focuses on her exterior and pours all her worth into that because its the easiest thing to affect and how we look is the most noticeable change to others. The need for approval of others is so much easier to get than the internal approval we (hopefully!) end up giving to ourselves because so many people walk around having grown quite use to hating themselves. Shelly seems to be one of those people so maybe some of Leigh's advice might help kick start that process. Gotta start somewhere right? But you are on point with how it might not be as applicable. Best to work on improvement in the areas where the worth of it doesn't rely on something as fickle as the opinions of others.

[nofool4u]

Just helping her with their son.

 

While he's around I'm going to try to be better towards him. Ive been thinking about if my kids were in the same situation and it's not right. He's supposed to come over tomorrow so I'm going to make an effort to have a better relationship with him.

 

I like the change in attitude here. Just remember, the little guy wants to be loved. Its not his fault that this situation happened.

 

I think if you open up your heart to this little man, you would fall in love with him. You can still be pissed at his dad and the ho of a mother he has, but this little guy is innocent.

[turnera]

Shelly, I just want to say I've seen a lot of growth and introspection in your posts. Keep it up.

[irin]

i would like to congratulate you on your divorce, you can finally be free of this monster that emotionally manipulates you, cheats, has hit you. verbally abuses you and disrespects you.

 

from now on you need learn to be HAPPY. with both of your kids, get him out of your life. your children are grown if they wish to see their dad its up to them you dont have to take them to him!

 

 

i hope you find REAL LOVE.