She cant explain why she wants to divorce

[petterr]

So basically you want me to right esdown everthing I said. Impossible! You need detail to grasp it. Perhaps I can understand that in a way. Ill give you one thing that I can think of.

 

I talked about my errors and mistakes when it came to taking full responsebility reguarding economy, home, children. It was my fault letting her withdraw from her responsebilitys alowing her to only fokus on her job and studies. I should have known that over time she felt like she didnt participate. Didnt contribute. That probably led to her feeling lost in some ways. No one could be satisfied with only work and studien neglecting everything else. I tried to tell her several times but she wouldnt listen. Thats her mistake but I just continued on " helping" her. You could compare my actions to that of a person living with an addict. If that person " helps" to remove the responsebilities. Then the addict can continue with what shes doing without reflecting on it.

[petterr]

2Sunny! Perhaps if you ask more specific questions that would help me understand what answers your looking for. Im not intentionally trying to hide or deny anything. That would just be stupid. Im trying to understand and I dont really. Thats why I started the post.

[2sunny]

I don't need you to tell me what I want to hear.

 

I have simply asked for your way YOU are participating... Yet you seem to move away from answering - and it's been very consistent.

 

You seem to avoid showing your action and words. Almost as if you would prefer to make it about anyone but yourself - that way you aren't to blame.

 

Then you act like you didn't understand the simple question.

 

I simply asked what - exactly did YOU say for that entire hour while she stayed mostly silent. It should be easy to answer - and easy to be really specific - since the mostly one sided conversation just happened today.

 

Yet you aren't forthcoming. It's too dang frustrating to help when it feels like pulling teeth to get YOUR info from YOU about YOU!

 

When most people do this consistently - its a sheer avoiding tactic... So they can't possibly be blamed for how they might be participating.

 

It's also a ton of wasted energy - on your part (by writing it) and my part by continuing to have to repeat and still NOT get any info from which to help.

 

YOU are completely road locking YOURSELF.

 

I suggest you get individual counseling to get rid of that approach - its only going to harm any relationship you intend to have now or in the future.

[Steadfast]

I'm reading right, this is what WGW was referring to about 'poster frustration' and advice/ad nauseam. It's counter productive. And while the OP (like many) is searching, it's the discussion that's therapeutic.

 

But only to a point. The danger is getting stuck in 'the story' which is very common. At some junction, action must be taken to move things along. It may be as simple as accepting what's happened and deciding not to remain in limbo. Many, many troubled people cycle through that for years.

 

Peter, re-hashing all the things you've done wrong is playing into her game. My advice is to acknowledge your position once, then move on. She knows you love her. She knows you wish you'd done things differently. Who doesn't? That's the reality for all of us and doesn't justify her actions.

 

I'd suggest not talking to her about your relationship and -one more time- judge her ACTIONS as something you want, or don't want in your life. If proof she is cheating will bump you off the fence, then get it. Trying to heal the relationship by talking (or typing) is a waste of time. If you're like most of us, you'll know when you'll have to make these hard decisions. It is your timetable. The only pressure is the pressure you put on yourself.

 

Hang in. Keep posting-

[Owl]

It sounds to me like he's made up his mind, and is moving towards divorce.

 

There's nothing left to discuss with the wife but the disposition of marital assets, funds, and debts.

[petterr]

Thanks guys!

 

I really dont see any other alternative then to move on. Its easier if I do focus on her ACTIONS! I have done all I can and if I tried to do more I would humiliate myself. At least now I will never think of myself as pathetic during our seperation. Strictly the kids from now on... If something turns up im sure Ill write about it! Thanks for everything!

[Ninja'sHusband]

petter, 2sunny will drive you nuts. Just let her do her thing, you don't have to respond. I've already explained wayyy too much for her sake.

 

 

And, hate to say it, but I've done a lot of reading, talking, and had experience with women's infidelity and it's not a cheap blanket explanation. It seem really really obvious to me that she found herself in an affair. You guys didn't have time to spend with each other. She probably found herself with someone else a lot, at work or school...and built a connection with them that she couldn't have with you. Not your fault, just fact of who she was around more. Women go off emotional connection..and you lost it. I've learned you HAVE to spend a certain amount of time together to maintain that relationship.

 

Sorry it worked out like this really really sucks.

 

Yeah she probably makes no sense at all right now. She's freaking out, telling lies probably, her own sense of who she is probably crazy and flip flopping all over the place. I haven't read the whole thread, just the beginning and end..but sounds like that's what's going on. Really familiar to me.

[petterr]

Thanks Ninja!

 

When it comes to an affair im still puzzled. Not being stupid but heres the facts. At work theres only one guy an hes ugly as... and not that bright so work I can tick of. And school Well... Shes only in school once every other week and its only woman in her class. Find it unlikely that shes stumblen on someone there. Not impossible but unlikely. But im not ruling anything out! Just tired of analyzing!

 

Thanks!

[2sunny]

I gues at this point - it's fruitless to figure out what she may or may not have going on since you've both decided now to divorce.

 

I'm sorry she's not very willing to explain specific to you that you could both learn from.

 

The outcome sucks - but moving forward I hope you will have a chance to heal and be happy in the future. You deserve more from a woman in your life than one who stays away.

[petterr]

Thanks! Still waiting for her letter though!

[2sunny]

petter, 2sunny will drive you nuts. Just let her do her thing, you don't have to respond. I've already explained wayyy too much for her sake.

 

 

And, hate to say it, but I've done a lot of reading, talking, and had experience with women's infidelity and it's not a cheap blanket explanation. It seem really really obvious to me that she found herself in an affair. You guys didn't have time to spend with each other. She probably found herself with someone else a lot, at work or school...and built a connection with them that she couldn't have with you. Not your fault, just fact of who she was around more. Women go off emotional connection..and you lost it. I've learned you HAVE to spend a certain amount of time together to maintain that relationship.

 

Sorry it worked out like this really really sucks.

 

Yeah she probably makes no sense at all right now. She's freaking out, telling lies probably, her own sense of who she is probably crazy and flip flopping all over the place. I haven't read the whole thread, just the beginning and end..but sounds like that's what's going on. Really familiar to me.

 

Wow - Ninja - that's no thanks for helping you sift through all the crap your wife was throwing your way.

 

Sheez, seems very ungrateful! Maybe you should stick around for 6 or 8 years and see if you see patterns with these situations... And IF you're willing to spend your time and energy caring enoughto try to encourage folks here to respect themselves and to sift through for answers they are seeking.

 

To criticize my style is mean spirited... Yes, I look at details... And I don't miss much.

 

But this isn't the first time you've criticized me. Why? Because I was right about your wife misleading you and I pointed out the obvious?

[2sunny]

Thanks! Still waiting for her letter though!

 

That letter may only be hurtful to you. I'm not even sure it's worth reading - since it won't change the outcome.

 

Hugs!

[petterr]

So! A short update as promised!

 

Will recive her letter on monday! Will meet her and her sister the week after that Will drop of kids on monday and check out her new apartment. She invited me!

 

This communication problem could be in an up and comming block buster.

 

Talked to her sister the other day! She believes that the ex is blocked from so many feelings that she cant handle it!

 

For me... Well im playing along so far. Midlife crisis really brought out the worst in her.

[2sunny]

Midlife crisis is just a formal way of saying she's being selfish and self serving.

 

What did her letter say? Be specific...

[petterr]

Met up at her apartment and it went well. She had a nice place but I wouldnt have expected anything else. She kept avoiding eye contact. We had a couple of laughs about things that happened during my week with the kids. Felt good! Find it so frustrating that it brought back memories of how good we were together as a family. Well, this was the adult way to do it. Avoiding conflict about how she has treated me works for her. Ill wait! Nothing I have done or said in this conflict has worked in my favor before. Ill wait!

 

No letter yet!

[Owl]

Avoiding eye contact is typically a sign of either lying...or guilt.

 

What do you think she was lying about, or feeling guilty about?

[petterr]

Well! The most logical would be guilt when it comes to how she has treated me. The other option of lying could only be one thing.

[Owl]

Does she seem remorseful in any fashion over how she's treated you? Has she demonstrated or stated that she feels bad for how things have gone and what she's done?

[petterr]

She said a couple of times that she feels bad for making me sad. The problem I have with that is that I didnt feel she really understood how hurtful her behavior was. Its like she understands that if a person all of a sudden informs her spouse that she wants a divorce he would be sad. But I have never yet felt that she really understand how the situation crushed me.

 

Those times she cried during the time we lived together was mainly because she had trouble getting an apartment and felt sad about it.

 

No matter what reason she has truly blocked her feelings for me. Of this im sure! Maby the one who leaves have to do so in order to be able to leave. I have no clue but it doesnt sound unthinkable. Problem is when, if ever, their shield will drop.

[2sunny]

What did her letter say?

[petterr]

Havent sent it yet! I promise Ill try to summerize!

[Jstub]

We are all waiting

[2sunny]

Just need bullet points about what she said in her letter to you.

[petterr]

Ok! Here goes!

 

The letter starts with her saying shes angry at me. Then she contionues saying that im also to blame for the way things ended up after the bomb was dropped.

 

Shes angry at my sister because she never contacted her asking her how she felt. Feels like she hates her. My sister didnt contact my ex because she blocked her from FB and then she saw how I was threated så she stayed clear of my exes path.

 

My ex explains that when we met she was " not that focused". During our years together she found a purpose and started educating herself. Her studies end at christmas.

 

She says that she needed me and that i have helped her alot in our relationship but somehow I took over. Making many of the decisions that she " let" me make.

 

She wants to be a good mother and find inner peace.

 

She says that sometimes in our relationship she has felt that I was more of a parent to her. Mind you I did help her alot when she made mistakes over the years like financial debt and so on. I did help her make alot of decisions that made her fell that she could get an education. Not because I was a parent because I loved her.

 

She felt that I took over her life. That she loves me but in a different way. That she now is strong enought to make it on her own.

 

Feel like a piece of **** right now. I helpt her to be strong enough to be independent of me. Insane!

 

It will never be her and I again she says. She hopes that we will have a good relation in the future.

 

I called her up and talked to her for an hour or so. She is still angry with me and when I trynto talk about us and my perspective she doesnt seem to want to understand. She has made upmher mind and sombe it.

 

She still doesnt understand how she treated me during our breakup and blames me for her behavior. Therefor I had no choice but to tell her that I only want minimum contact with her untilmthe day she really gets how she handled this whole situation and how much she hurt me. She says she feels good now. I congratulated her and said that thats all I ever wanted. I told her that I on the other hand dont feel so good.

 

But then again who would?

[elfman]

Ok! Here goes!

 

My ex explains that when we met she was " not that focused". During our years together she found a purpose and started educating herself. Her studies end at christmas.

 

She says that she needed me and that i have helped her alot in our relationship but somehow I took over. Making many of the decisions that she " let" me make.

 

She says that sometimes in our relationship she has felt that I was more of a parent to her. Mind you I did help her alot when she made mistakes over the years like financial debt and so on. I did help her make alot of decisions that made her fell that she could get an education. Not because I was a parent because I loved her.

 

She felt that I took over her life. That she loves me but in a different way. That she now is strong enought to make it on her own.

 

I told her that I on the other hand dont feel so good.

 

 

I understand why you are feeling like ****... She's basically saying she used you as a crutch to get strong enough so she could dump you. You helped her get her affairs in order and now she's walking out... that's just sick and cynical... and to have her say it outloud without any remorse just makes it feel all the more cold and dastard.

 

If you took over her life and it turned out that because of it she was allowed to study and have financial peace of mind, then she should be grateful, not bitchy about it.

 

I dont want to make it worse by saying this but it seems to me that she got what she needed out of you and now she's ready to move on, kind of like a parasite. I only say this because my wife is making me feel exactly the same way.

 

I am sorry bud, but you deserve better. The last piece of advice is not to tell her how she should feel or how you feel... makes you look weak... you cannot care for how she feels right now, and she certainly does not care about how you feel... if she feels GRRRRREAT like the toon-tiger from the cereal box then fine... (even though advertising it after treating you like she did makes her an evil bitch imo).

 

Stay strong bud... what goes around comes around, and what people like her cannot understand is that some of us feel awesome when helping other people out, it gives us a high better than any drug, especially if we love that person. She chose the worst way to repay you for your kindness... she doesn't deserve you.

Edited April 10, 2012 by elfman