She cant explain why she wants to divorce

[The Blue Knight]

It helps to get everyones advice. It really does. Problem is:

 

She didnt invite me. She asked if we should do it thogether at my place. Its bigger.

 

She can ask this and almost expect it because she doesnt understand how much she hurt me. For her its just a divorce.

 

If I dont do it it has nothing to do with ex. It would be because everytime im in contact with her I take two steps back and it takes me weeks to feel good again. Its too soon. It will be completely different in a year.

 

I too want a "good" relationship with ex as she wants with me but there is a huge differense. She needs me to pretend that nothing happened. I need her to " get" what happened.

 

Will never stand on the sidelines in the future. Feels like I sacrificed christmas when wife had D. She has decided everything and I have been stupid enough to play along. THAT has almost broken me. Never again!

 

If I do not participate this once and if NC helps me then its high time to continue my journey on my terms.

 

Havent decided yet. You all have good points!

 

On another note!

 

Her older sister called me today. She said shes stepping back because she knows her sisters really doesnt get her own behavior and talking wouldnt help at all at this point. She told me she also misses her sister. That just goes to show that everybody sees the changes in her. Her sister told me that she really cant understand why ex is mad at me. Shes leaving me not the other way around. She ended the call by saying that she waits until the day her sister truly understands what she has done. Comming from her sister it feels good to know im not alone in seeing her so different from the woman she used to be. Think shes ashamed of her!

I get what you're saying Pete. Maybe change the venue if that helps. Take the party somewhere else or just tell her you'd prefer she hosts.

 

Maybe if it's really just too painful, you just don't do it. But it's about your little one and that's what's important.

 

But the truth is you'll have lots of future contact with the ex over the kids.

There's no way around it. And I'm not sure she'll ever "get what happened" because she seems emotionally isolated from the entire marriage.

[petterr]

Havent refused anything yet! Thats why I posted this. To get advice before I decide. Thanks for your post. As for being a crappy father putting my feelings first instead of my D. Well, its obvious that you dont know me but I do understand your point. My ex has no problem doing this because she doesnt think shes done anything that bad. She is emotionally detached, cold an unaware of her behavior. Its easy to set aside things then.

 

This is not a power struggle between H and W! Im just so tired of beeing hurt.

[petterr]

Thanks Jstub!

 

Her sister acctualy said tO me that it was time to get angry and switch her of. I told her I did last Monday and she said good! Doesnt sound like she has alterior motives. Just wanted to show me that she cared about me one last time before she took herself out of the mix.

[petterr]

Thanks Blue Knight!

 

Still need some thinking... Have five weeks untill its time. Hopefully I feel stronger then. Her letter changed everything for me. Remember I was at her place last Monday and things went fine. The letter screwed things up again. She knew it would. Even her sister warned her about being to harsh with what she wrote. Still she sent it without making any changes.

 

Time is my best friend right now!

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks Blue Knight!

 

Still need some thinking... Have five weeks untill its time. Hopefully I feel stronger then. Her letter changed everything for me. Remember I was at her place last Monday and things went fine. The letter screwed things up again. She knew it would. Even her sister warned her about being to harsh with what she wrote. Still she sent it without making any changes.

 

Time is my best friend right now!

Hang in there pal. I know this sounds like a line you've heard from me and others, but over time, it gets better. There will actually come a time when you'll look at her and try to recall why you married her. But there is some processing to go through before you reach that state.

 

As soon as this is finalized, get out there and find a female who treats you right. They are out there. Just make sure you filter out the detached, unemotional, loveless, sexless, and mentally-ill ones so you don't end up back where you started buddy.

[jwi71]

As for being a crappy father putting my feelings first instead of my D. Well, its obvious that you dont know me but I do understand your point.

 

You're right I don't know you.

But I do know that when a father chooses to skip his daughter's party he's a crappy father. You'd better be on the operating table, deployed or dead. Otherwise, a crappy father.

 

My ex has no problem doing this because she doesnt think shes done anything that bad. She is emotionally detached, cold an unaware of her behavior. Its easy to set aside things then.

 

So? So freakin' what? Who cares what your xW does or says?

How does HER behavior justify YOURS?

 

This is not a power struggle between H and W! Im just so tired of beeing hurt.

 

Been there, done that.

I remember it well (vividly,not well as in good)

Sucks. Hurts. Depressing. Angry. Rage.

Yup, knew 'em all.

 

IC helps with those. Go. You'll be grateful down the road.

Also go the party. Take it from a single dad whose xW was banging her boss. He took the house. The kids for half the time. Who called the cops on a bogus charge to bolster her custody case (no charges filed because cops aren't stupid).

I've dealt with plenty of bat**** crazy from my xWW.

 

I NEVER let it affect my role as father to my two kids - who were younger than kindergarten at the time. It's a huge massive mistake.

 

Get your kids in family therapy too. It'll help them.

 

I guess I can't figure how you would choose to miss an event when you haves shared custody. Every chance to see them is gold. Don't miss it.

 

Or miss it.

 

Your life, your choice.

Your consequences.

[petterr]

Just an update!

 

Nothing has happened this week! Absolutely nothing!

 

Sorry! But nc makes me feel sooo good!

 

P

[2sunny]

Just an update!

 

Nothing has happened this week! Absolutely nothing!

 

Sorry! But nc makes me feel sooo good!

 

P

 

That's good to hear!!!

[Jethro]

I'm learning that too! NC is the only thing that has allowed me to sleep a full night- one out of the last 40. NC is the only way I'll be able to start healing.

[petterr]

 

Guess the best thing about it is that you only have your own thoughts. And even though they sometimes get a bit too much, thinking of everything that has happened, theres nothing new that makes your mind spinn.

 

Sooner or later you get tired of processing the same old stuff over and over again. It is what it is! And it was what it was!

[petterr]

Update!

 

She called me yesterday. Wanted to talk about us. To explain. She tried and I understand how she feels now but I disagree with her version on several points.

 

She felt trapped in our relationship. I asked her why. I asked her if i ever stopped her from doing anything. She didnt answer.

 

She told be she felt that she had to report to me when doing somthing. She gave me one example. One time when she was at a friends place I texted her about something. Neighter one of us remembered what it was about. She told me she felt stressed about it. I told her ok! How could I know she felt that way? She couldnt answer.

 

She told me that I took over when it came to our children. I told her that I didnt really have a choice. She studied and didnt spend enough time with them.

 

Everytime we have talked during this crisis she hasnt been able to answer my questions. She told me yesterday that it was because she didnt have any answers to my questions.

 

She told me theres nothing more to say at this point. Guess shes right. I have no chance to reach her if she doesnt have the answers.

 

For me it feels like she only follows her feelings and has left her brain somewhere in the past.

 

Now she it two persons. The party animal and the super mom. Nice combo!

 

Told her I only want contact through text from now on. Guess that was the last time we talked about our relationship. Mixed feelings. Both happy and sad! A month untid D-day! Ill continue on with NC. She can live her happy life on her own and in time so will I.

[Jstub]

Not much different than her letter. She pretty much said the same things in different "nicer" words? Good luck to you my friend.

[2sunny]

She doesn't even realize that her "not answering a question" is an answer.

 

She doesn't want to own how SHE participates. She likes to blame you instead.

 

Sheez, I wonder who she will blame next when you stay out of her life? It can't possibly be her she's gonna blame!

 

A perfect passive aggressive - conflict avoider! No one can make her happy... But she needs others around to have someone/ANYONE to blame...anyone but herself.

 

Don't play THAT role for her. She will find a new victim quickly - she needs that "someone else" to blame it on.

[petterr]

Thanks!

 

Did get calls this last week from both of her sisters. And this is a really good one! Her older sister told me that she thought I should know that she too misses her sister. That she cant talk reason with her and therefor she doesnt try to. No use at this point, she says.

 

Got all the moral support from friends and family and you guys. Thats enough for me.

 

I do believe that ex will crash and burn sooner or later. Its nothing I feel happy about. Kind of sad she wasnt the one I thought she was.

 

Guess life isnt about winning or losing. Its about learning and keep pushing forward to try to be the best one can. When you think you know it all you come to that point a lot of times in life when you realize you really know nothing at all.

 

Wonder whats next?

[petterr]

? Dont get it? What do you mean?

[jaymz]

I do believe that ex will crash and burn sooner or later. Its nothing I feel happy about. Kind of sad she wasnt the one I thought she was.

 

Best thing is: if it does happen, you will have moved on. Look at the update from Steen, she sees what a mess her exWH is in and feels neutral towards him.

[petterr]

Yep! Steen is to be admired!

[petterr]

Nc question!

 

Because theres no way of understanding ex I really need your confirmation that im doing the right thing.

 

I keep my answers short and to the point when she texts me. This irritates her and she always sends an angry reply about my answers. I really dont care about being more then polite and to the point with her. Friendly but short is all she deserves. Why does this upset her?

[worldgonewrong]

Why does this upset her?

 

because it's about control with her.

[petterr]

Well then I guess she has lost it Worldgonewrong. I dont care about how she reacts anymore. Im still kind of interested in what makes her tick, thought. I have come to the point that it really doesnt matter what I do. She still finds ways to get angry at me. Could it be that in time she will realize that shes lost me and not the other way around. If it was up to her we would be " friends". Kind of stupid to think that way after att the s..t shes put me through. NC is great!

[Chi townD]

Nc question!

 

Because theres no way of understanding ex I really need your confirmation that im doing the right thing.

 

I keep my answers short and to the point when she texts me. This irritates her and she always sends an angry reply about my answers. I really dont care about being more then polite and to the point with her. Friendly but short is all she deserves. Why does this upset her?

 

Because, when you give calm and to-the-point answers, you give her nothing. She has no idea where your head is at. If you're angry or sad. If your happy and moving on. If you're happy to hear from her or if you're indifferent to the whole thing. She doesn't have a clue, so it pisses her off that she can't read you.

[2sunny]

She's mad that YOU aren't there to feed her ego...

[petterr]

 

Well if your right that means that im in some sort of control now. Not reguarding her. Dont care about her feelings. But in control of how I want to continue our relationship.

[Owl]

 

Well if your right that means that im in some sort of control now. Not reguarding her. Dont care about her feelings. But in control of how I want to continue our relationship.

 

You are.

 

The person who cares least about the relationship has the greatest control over it.

 

At this point, you have less concern over the future of your relationship than she does...so...you got da' powah!

[Steadfast]

Guess life isnt about winning or losing. Its about learning and keep pushing forward to try to be the best one can. When you think you know it all you come to that point a lot of times in life when you realize you really know nothing at all.

 

When it comes to what's going on inside someone else's head, it's all guesswork.

 

I'm proud of you Peter. Not just because you're keeping NC/LC but because you are being so honest about your feelings. I hate it when people try to put on a false front. It's exhausting. And when exposed? Embarrassing.

 

That said, we all must train ourselves away from someone who's not treating us well, breaking promises, or otherwise changing the rules in the middle of the game. We can't condone it, we can't change it. What's left? What you're doing Peter. Figuring out your role, learning something from it and moving on. It's no fun, but you'll come out a better person for it.

 

Good to read your posts. You are being very strong, but don't be afraid to post if you're not. There's help and council for you here. Good job-