Owl Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Peterr, you've indicated that all of her friends and family indicate that she's acting like a totally different person. That's precisely the point. What caused/prompted the change in her behavior/mindset/morals/attitude/actions? That's the crux of this...people do not change without reason. They often don't bother to think about the reason for themselves...but people only change to get away from something they don't like...or closer to something they want. Your job is to figure out which of these it is...and take appropriate action based on that information. Either find a way to meet her needs within your relationship, or remove the outside influence that's pulling her away. Simple. Not easy...but simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
macmillerpwnz Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 I wish I could have been as cool and confident as petter seems to be right now in my separation.. after 4 months I am just now able to be that way.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 Dont feel so cool or confident but I can tell you this... I no longer let my feelings control me. If I did I would be a wreck. Thats what I was the first three months and looking back I didnt like who I became. Just met her for 20 min when switching kids. She tried her best to be normal but she looked tired and run down. She couldnt stop messing with her hands and they looked like they had been in the sun for weeks, dry and narley. She was nervous even though we only spoke about practical stuff. She cried when I told her that if she ever needed help with the kids she just had to ask! Well that was our first meeting! Felt ok! Will NEVER give her a reason to dislike me. Thats her department! Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 Owl! I think your absolutely right! Durin our time together after the bomb I never felt like it was me she wanted to leave. Strange feeling. The reason I didnt feel it was because of her strangeness and the fact that she couldnt explain why. It felt like she fled for her life, for her own survival. I know... It coul be that she ran to something or from something. But I get the feeling she tried to run away from her life, from herself. If Im right it could by the reason shes feeling so down today. That she slowly realises it wasnt the solution. Just different! Talked to her about my " bad" sides... Said that I didnt know I had such bad sides that it would lead to this. She told me I dont... WTF! So confused by her reasoning! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 My wife's "motivation" in having her EA was as much to "run away" from her responsibilities and pressures of being a mom to four teenaged kids (at the time) was half of the problem, the other part was her running TO the OM. Removing OM from the picture allowed the other half of her fantasy to collapse, and eventually led to our reconciliation. Now you know why I keep suspecting another influene in your situation. Women almost never run away unless they've already lined up where (to whom) they're running to FIRST. That's why I see all the big red flags that there's another man in the mix. She's running TO someone as much as she's running away from you (her issues). Remove the TO, and you can then focus on what she's running away from. Try to focus on what she's running from, and you'll still leave that other motivation dangling out there...she won't truly focus on fixing things with you. I've been there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
macmillerpwnz Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 how is he supposed to find out who the OM is? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Do a search on this forum (or the infidelity forum is better) for "snooping 101"...you'll see several threads that can help with ideas on how to learn the truth of what's been going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 Ok Owl! Now things get interesting. Lets for argument sake say that I find out theres another envolved. Whats the next step. Thats the hard one right! Cant kill him or make her change her mind by telling her shes being stupid or made a mistake, right! What to do if thats the case! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Well, my first response is "let's not put the cart in front of the horse". Don't focus on solution when you've not even identified cause. But, if it IS another man, there are a number of steps you can take. I'd suggest that you start by picking up a copy of "His Needs/Her Needs", and "Surviving an Affair". Both spell out a number of things that need to happen in that event. You could also jump over to marriagebuilders website and read up on their free material..."plan A", "plan B", "emotional needs", "the love bank"...all of these contain excellent information on how to recover a marriage from an affair. But don't spin your wheels yet. Step #1 here is gathering the appropriate intel. Have you reviewed her phone records, credit card reciepts, email/IM/facebook for indications that she's spending a lot of time talking with another man? Affairs take TONS of communication, and that's how they're usually busted. I'd start with that first, and see what you find or don't find. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 Thanks Owl! Guess the only place left is Facebook but theres no way of getting access to that. At least not that I know of. Well, reading the stuff you recommenden wouldnt be a waste of time even though she isnt cheating on me. Have read tons of books about this phenomenon already. Thats one way of coping with what happened I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 So you've had access to her email/IM's, and she's not chatting with another man frequently? You've reviewed her phone usage, and there's not been a large number of calls/texts to a specific person or area code that don't make sense to you? You've gone through the finances and there's nothing odd (like dinners for two, expenses at Victoria's Secret, or gifts that would be meant for a man that you never received)? Her time has been pretty much accounted for, and no indicators that she's spending a lot of time someplace you're unaware of, or that she could be using as a cover for an affair? No indication that she's spending an inordinate amount of time at work, or hanging out with "work" friends? No "girls nights out" where you're in the dark about what's gone on, and are positive you got the right info? No new and enticing clothing articles that she never wore for you? No new jewelry or expensive items that may have been gifts from someone other than yourself? You really feel you've done all of this research, and there's nothing left to check, and no indications whatsoever there's another person in the mix? If so...maybe you're right, and maybe there is another explanation. We've just not seen anything in your thread demonstrating that you've explored all of these avenues already. If you've not explored all of this...well...there's your next step. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 Well! Only thing not accounted for is FB. She was staying with a friend every other weekend when this started. Thats something. But before this all started there was nothing. I have done alot of these things but as I said before dead end! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Then I would suspect drug/alcohol use, or mental illness. That's the only other thing I could think of to account for an unexplained, suddenly abrupt, massive behavioral change. I'm not an expert...but it's my personal opinion that you cannot have or recreate a healthy relationship with someone suffering from either of those issues. I certainly don't have the expertise to advise you further if that's the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Mental illness is possible! Se takes alot of different medicin because she has five differen kind of fysical problems. A year ago she started with some heavy drugs because of one of these. I have checked the side affects of those but nothing implies any mind altering things. But there is no question about... But who knows! The simple reason is that she stoped loving me. But again yesterday I aksked her why she thinks she cant say that she doesnt love me. She says she just cant. Not really fair, right! Link to post Share on other sites
Black Jack Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Mental illness is possible! Se takes alot of different medicin because she has five differen kind of fysical problems. A year ago she started with some heavy drugs because of one of these. I have checked the side affects of those but nothing implies any mind altering things. But there is no question about... But who knows! The simple reason is that she stoped loving me. But again yesterday I aksked her why she thinks she cant say that she doesnt love me. She says she just cant. Not really fair, right! Saying "she just can't" is not a reason. Dig deeper. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Cant think of anything else to dig for and how! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Thanks for your latest post! Yes I have every right to know. Thanks for your tips reguarding trying to find evidence! Checked her phone but no secret spy program or PI! No, Im not the least afraid of learning the " truth"! In fact if she was cheating that would perhaps give me the peace of mind I think I need. And of course change the game plan completely. Facts are: getting information from friends and people around her. Even her sister whom I spoke to today. They all say shes a completely different person and some of my friends even say that she needs professional help. Just thinking out loud here! If she was cheating an now a " free" woman livinng by herself, wouldnt she be happy! At least not depressed, right! I hear you but I have no idea where this is going to end. Frustrating! She's. Heating! A woman that doesn't want to admit what happened while separated and wants you to overlook it all is DEFINITELY telling you she cheated! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Saying "she just can't" is not a reason. Dig deeper. It's usually the reason when a spouse is cheating. She's not gonna tell you. But she is telling you - she's just being really sneaky about it! And she moved out for good reason - it makes it easier for her to cheat! Go over there...drive over unannounced... Every night - see if she's alone. I dare you. She IS cheating! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Cant think of anything else to dig for and how! No no - wouldn't want to find her truth now, would you? Don't look - you may ind something! Denial... It's just soooo amazing! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Read my posts again! Your comletely wrong about me. Denyin nothing! Feels like an "I told you so, stupid!" gives some guys some kind of energy! Well, well! I promise Ill give you the facts if there are any new! It's more that you aren't doing things by being proactive to find out exactly who she's seeing. Stop defending her - at least long enough to see what evidence there is. Put a voice activated recorder in her car and under her bed and in her kitchen! A gos in her car. Get the content of her texts and cell phone records. Start doing more! Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Hahaha! How old are you! I appriciate your advice! Not your sarcasm! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 I'm old! Seriously... Go read the thread by jstub He didn't think his wife was cheating either. He's got a healthy approach. Read! I was trying to show you that you need to stop being so passive and start doing something - anything and everything to find what's true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Ok! Thanks! I guess... But passive is something i havent been if you read my posts again. But theres probably more I can do. There always is! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Ya - I've read your posts. You are passive. You keep saying you can't do anything else... Ya, I can guarantee YOU CAN! You're not helpless...yet you act like you are. I don't think you want to know what's really happening - because if you did - YOU'D be finding out what she's REALLY doing! She's cheating! And you are just closing your eyes and saying "oh that's all I can do now" bs - you can find out if you want to. You know she's cheating and you don't want to admit it because then you might actually have to DO something about it. No woman does all the things she's doing and all the stupid Ies she's telling unless they are cheating! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Did you drive over to her house? I bet not! Have a friend come over every night your wife doesn't have the kids - I bet you find a car in her driveway that you don't recognize. Follow her. She's spending time with someone - and you need to find out who it is. Get her cell records! See if she has an extra phone. Tap into her computer. There's a million things you CAN be checking - yet you act so helpless. Link to post Share on other sites
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