A Greater understandng of GIGS.....

[ZimboGon]

and yeah, doesn't the love you develop for the person mean anything after the break up? It doesn't matter if you find them attractive.

[smokey bear]

that wasnt my point, isnt there attraction if you love someone? maybe not physical attraction but its still some sort of attraction

 

No your thinking of attachment, not attraction.

[smokey bear]

and yeah, doesn't the love you develop for the person mean anything after the break up? It doesn't matter if you find them attractive.

 

Of course it does but it doesnt make sense to them in cases of gigs, remember this is a gigs thread, read the post, understand it, its all there for you.

[ZimboGon]

Yes sensei!

[gibson]

My advice...

 

Read all the GIGS threads by homebrew (whose advice I followed), smokey and wilson. I sum them up a couple of posts back in this thread.

 

I am in the process of reconciliation with an ex from two years ago who had a major case of G.I.G.S.

 

Quick Stats:

 

We dated 3 years.

She was 22 when we broke up (close to 25 now).

Talked a handful of times during break up.

Saw each other once during the break up.

She dated a lot.

She did a lot of fun / cool things.

Tried to enter into two LTRs that didn't work out.

Partied.

Etc.

 

She called me up Friday and ask to see me. We spent a lot of time this weekend together, mostly her talking, apologizing, explaining, etc.

 

Today, she asked me out on a date for this Thursday & Friday (two separate events) and below are some of the text messages and emails I received from her as well (NOTICE: She is pursing me!):

 

I look forward to our sweet future together! xoxoxo

 

Do I need to pull out all the stops to win you back? You know I going too!

 

My schedule is wide open so let me know when you want to go. xoxoxo

 

I can't wait to make new memories with and try new things with you. We are going to have such an amazing time together. I can't wait!!!!!!

 

This is from the same women who broke up with me, said there is no way we would get back together, partied like there was no tomorrow, dated a lot and didn't have a care in the world, etc.

 

Two years later... She is pursing me, taking me on dates and wanting to spend forever together.

 

I'm telling you... Follow homebrew's advice and methods, they work! I'm living proof!

[smokey bear]

My advice...

 

Read all the GIGS threads by homebrew (whose advice I followed), smokey and wilson. I sum them up a couple of posts back in this thread.

 

I am in the process of reconciliation with an ex from two years ago who had a major case of G.I.G.S.

 

Quick Stats:

 

We dated 3 years.

She was 22 when we broke up (close to 25 now).

Talked a handful of times during break up.

Saw each other once during the break up.

She dated a lot.

She did a lot of fun / cool things.

Tried to enter into two LTRs that didn't work out.

Partied.

Etc.

 

She called me up Friday and ask to see me. We spent a lot of time this weekend together, mostly her talking, apologizing, explaining, etc.

 

Today, she asked me out on a date for this Thursday & Friday (two separate events) and below are some of the text messages and emails I received from her as well (NOTICE: She is pursing me!):

 

I look forward to our sweet future together! xoxoxo

 

Do I need to pull out all the stops to win you back? You know I going too!

 

My schedule is wide open so let me know when you want to go. xoxoxo

 

I can't wait to make new memories with and try new things with you. We are going to have such an amazing time together. I can't wait!!!!!!

 

This is from the same women who broke up with me, said there is no way we would get back together, partied like there was no tomorrow, dated a lot and didn't have a care in the world, etc.

 

Two years later... She is pursing me, taking me on dates and wanting to spend forever together.

 

I'm telling you... Follow homebrew's advice and methods, they work! I'm living proof!

 

 

I freekin hope its true i want my ex back lol. I miss him and i tell you, thats the first time ive missed him in a month or two

[BoredAgain]

I believe you were compiling posts here, so I thought I'd add one. The following is a post made by a guest account back in September of 2006.

 

Ok, long story short. When I was 15 I dated a guy (lets call him A) for three years, and he was my first love. He meant the world to me, but I ended it because I wanted to see what else was out there, and I was going off to unibersity etc. He took it very badly indeed, but about 6 months later he was dating someone else. We had agreed to stay friends, but a few months after he met this girl he said that he didnt want to talk me anymore. And I've since learned that that was down to his new girlfriend. They had a kid together who is now 1 years old. They broke up around Xmas but continued to live together for a while, and to be fair, he is still not over it completely.

 

Ok. Then move on to my situation. I started dating a guy nearly two years ago (lets call him B) . In the first year he was a complete idiot towards me. He lied about people he's met on the internet, he kinda cheated on me when we were in this on/off situation, which - after taking a year of his crap and already being depressed - resulted in me taking an overdose. Yes I know it was stupid, but thats all in the past now. So since July we having been living together. He gave up all his friends in the town where he went to uni, and came to live with me in a town about 45mins away. Now I do really care about him. Yes he was stupid in the past, but thats all done now.

 

So a couple of months ago I randomly emailed A, not expecting a response as Ive done it before and never had one back. But this time he emailed back, and we ended up meeting up for a drink about a week ago. We both really enjoyed seeing each other again, because when we were together we were SO close it was impossible to separate us, and we decided we wanted to meet up again. Long story short, we got drunk, I ended up sleeping with him. I have no idea how he feels about it, but I dont regret sleeping with him, but i do regret cheating if that makes any sense?

 

But this made me realise a few things...I have always known that me and B were not forever, even though I love him. And me cheating has just kind of pushed that to the forfront of my mind. I really do like A, but the situation is complicated, and I dont know if it could ever work, but it might. But then again, I dont even know how he feels about it yet.

 

So now, I'm left with this sick feeling in my stomach, knowing that I'm going home tonight and I have to face B, but I am already resolved not to tell him. I just don't know where to go now...Do I break up with him? I mean, I think its gonna happen sooner or later, but we are living together in a 1 bed flat which we have a fixed term contract on for another 9 and a half months! And neither of us could afford to pay the rent on our own...This situation just sucks.

[ZimboGon]

Do you guys think it matters how generally happy the person is with their life?

 

My ex was out all day with a group of my friends yesterday, and apparently she seemed to have a pretty good time. Although, there was very little interaction with the rebound guy, she had a lot of fun with my friends.

 

So, it seems she's going out and having fun a lot lately since we broke up. That could stop her from missing me? I mean, i've been doing the same and i've been 'happier' but i still want her back and miss her.

[smokey bear]

Gigs recon in the making.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t310703/

[smokey bear]

Found a really good gigs recon story

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=307265

[smokey bear]

Here's another.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t305234/

[smokey bear]

Im not good at writing guys, explaining things, i just post the info and let others word it correctly, im going to pinch a post from the famous Homebrew and run it with it my research.

 

Homebrew posts gigs in a way that people can understand and relate to, i post the research and understanding behind it, with human mind and body study.

 

So now im going to run them together, hopefully when i post facts and research Homebrew or Wilson will come along with great words to put into context for people to understand, im not good with words.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3791191#post3791191

 

 

 

Romantic attachment

 

How people form an attachment to a romantic partner is one of the most studied topics in the relational sciences (please note, this section is adapted from the work of Bowlby, Ainsworth, Shaver, Hazan and Zeifman's work on attachment theory).

 

A romantic attachment (also called pair-bonding) is a deep emotional bond to another individual. The tendency to form a deep emotional bond to another individual is an universal feature of human life.

 

The attachments we form to our romantic partners are designed to keep people together. When we form an attachment to a romantic partner – we want to be near that person. And we tend to feel safe and secure when our partners are around. Overall, forming an attachment was designed to help create stability.

 

Not only do we form attachments to our romantic partners, but the loss of a partner can be devastating. If you are attached to someone and the relationship comes to an end, the sense of loss can be overwhelming – including feelings of uncertainty, fear, and despair.

 

Humans are designed to form a strong attachment to a romantic partner because human offspring are born extremely immature (unable to care for themselves). Individuals who formed a deep attachment to their sexual partners were better equipped to raise offspring. And over millions of years of human development, evolution favored people who formed a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner. As such, people living today are all the descendants of individuals who formed an emotional bond to their romantic partners in the past.

 

Not only are humans designed to form a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner, but the process by which we do so is very similar to how infants form a bond to their primary caregivers.

 

Human infants universally form a deep emotional attachment to the person who provides the most care (usually a mother). This attachment is designed to keep infants close to their caregivers, which ultimately helped ensured an infant’s survival. When infants form a deep emotional attachment to their caregiver – children feel safe and secure. For infants, attachment figures (caregivers) provide a sense of security and comfort. When separate from their attachment figure, infants will stage a protest (crying and screaming) designed to get their caregiver's attention.

 

How do infants know who to form an attachment to?

 

Infants form an attachment to the caregivers based on the nature and amount of physical contact they have with others. Infants form an attachment to the person who provides the most physical contact – the most kissing, cuddling, caressing, and so on.

And adults do the same when it comes to forming a romantic attachment. Adults form a deep emotional attachment based on intimate physical contact – kissing and cuddling, etc. If you have repeated intimate contact with another person, you will most likely form a deep attachment to that person. Once an attachment is formed – people want to spend more time together, feel safe and secure in each other’s presence, and they will experience loss when the relationship comes to an end.

 

Again, romantic attachments are designed to keep people together because over the course of human evolution people, who stayed together, had an easier time raising offspring than people who only came together for the purposes of sex.

 

While attachments help create stability, there is a downside. Attachments are less concerned that you are happy with your partner and more concerned that you stay together. In fact, many people form an attachment to someone who they do not like as a person. It is quiet possible to form a deep bond to someone who is less than an ideal romantic partner – this happens everyday.

 

Not only that, but it can be difficult to end a relationship, even a bad relationship, because people experience tremendous loss when attachments come to an end – including situations where people are attached to someone they dislike. Loss is loss, even when it occurs in a problematic relationship.

 

The lesson to be learned? Be careful about whom you have repeated intimate contact with – you are likely to form an attachment to that person. And once an attachment is formed, it can be very difficult to break.

 

So, going slow at the start of a relationship, especially when it comes to sex, is important. It is good to learn as much as you can about another person before you become heavily involved. Many relationship problems could be avoided, if people did not rush into forming an attachment with someone.

 

 

Relationships are often governed by competing emotions. And in your case, two separate issues might help explain what is going on – understanding the difference between "being in love" and "attachment."

 

 

Love is a strong emotion which typically involves passion and desire – a need to be physically and emotionally intimate with another person. Love is designed to bring people together.

 

 

Attachment, on the other hand, is the sense of security, stability and comfort which people derive from their relationships. Attachment is designed to keep people together (see, forming attachments).

Because we form attachments to each other, when relationships come to an end, people suffer tremendous sense of loss.

 

The loss of an attachment partner takes away one's sense of security and stabilty As such, the loss of an attachment partner is one of life's most negative experiences.

 

 

Again, love and attachment do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. It is possible to be in love with one person, but have an attachment to someone else.

[smokey bear]

Avoiding answering questions....

 

 

 

When trying to make a case for some position or idea, we frequently encounter questions which challenge the coherency or validity of that position. When we are able to adequately answer those questions, our position becomes stronger. When we cannot answer the questions, then our position is weaker. If, however, we avoid the question altogether, then our reasoning process itself is revealed as possibly weak.

 

 

It is unfortunately common that many important questions and challenges go unanswered — but why do people do this? There are surely many reasons, but a common one may be a desire to avoid admitting that they might be wrong. They might not have a good answer, and while “I don’t know” is certainly acceptable, it may represent an unacceptable admission of at least potential error.

 

Another possible reason is that answering the question might lead one to the realization that their position isn’t valid, but that position plays an important role in their self-image.

 

For example, someone’s ego might be dependent upon the premise that some other group is inferior to them — in such a situation, the person might be strongly inclined not to directly answer questions about the justification of that alleged inferiority, otherwise they might have to acknowledge that they aren’t so superior after all.

[wilsonx]

Avoiding answering questions....

 

 

 

When trying to make a case for some position or idea, we frequently encounter questions which challenge the coherency or validity of that position. When we are able to adequately answer those questions, our position becomes stronger. When we cannot answer the questions, then our position is weaker. If, however, we avoid the question altogether, then our reasoning process itself is revealed as possibly weak.

 

 

It is unfortunately common that many important questions and challenges go unanswered — but why do people do this? There are surely many reasons, but a common one may be a desire to avoid admitting that they might be wrong. They might not have a good answer, and while “I don’t know” is certainly acceptable, it may represent an unacceptable admission of at least potential error.

 

Another possible reason is that answering the question might lead one to the realization that their position isn’t valid, but that position plays an important role in their self-image.

 

For example, someone’s ego might be dependent upon the premise that some other group is inferior to them — in such a situation, the person might be strongly inclined not to directly answer questions about the justification of that alleged inferiority, otherwise they might have to acknowledge that they aren’t so superior after all.

 

this is a very good post.... This explains GIGS Dumpers self talk where you know that they are lying to themselves about something such as not loving you anymore when you can see it in their physical mannerisms

 

This is why GIGS dumpees have that confusion aspect of what is going on, shes saying one thing and doing another, this explains it right here

Edited January 5, 2012 by wilsonx

[smokey bear]

Burnout.......

 

 

Burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed and unable to meet constant demands. As the stress continues, you begin to lose the interest or motivation that led you to take on a certain role in the first place.

 

 

Years ago, a magicaI moment whirled me in a mystical web. I was consumed by the path of "academic flashdancing." I succumbed to the "burnout tango."

 

Now let me not just walk the talk, but deromance the dance: "Burnout is the gradual process by which a person, in response to prolonged stress and physical, mental and emotional strain, detaches from work and other meaningful relationships.

 

The result is lowered productivity, cynicism, confusion...a feeling of being drained, having nothing more to give." Whether at work or school (or even in a marriage), to prevent it you must get it.

 

To provide a framework both for understanding and, hopefully, inoculating against future burnout, let's begin with "The Stress Doc's Vital Lesson of the Four 'R's":

 

 

If no matter what you say or what you do, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming, and you can't mean "no" or won't let go...trouble awaits. The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness and despair

 

 

The Four Stages of Burnout

 

 

1. Physical, Mental and Emotional Exhaustion. Maybe you are still holding it together at work (or school). Still, can you relate to this sequence? As soon as you get home, you head for the fridge, get out the Haagen-Dazs or Ben and Jerry's, turn on the tube, collapse on the sofa and you're comatose for the rest of the evening?

 

Doing more with less, having plenty of responsibility but not enough authority, or juggling an unmanageable schedule is taking a toll. (For those grappling with all three stressors...automatically proceed to stage two, if not three.)

 

 

Normally, you pride yourself on doing a thorough job, a high quality performance. Now you are looking for shortcuts, if not cutting corners. And this gnaws at your self-esteem. There may even be pangs of guilt. A case of the "brain strain" is developing, accompanied by an energy shortage and feelings of exhaustion. If stress levels continue unabated, you may be ripe for the second stage.

 

 

2. Shame and Doubt. Perhaps this scenario is familiar. A supervisor (or professor) asks you to take on a new assignment. You want to...but this voice inside silently screams, "Who are you kidding!" So what's happening?

 

You're not feeling confident about the future; and you're feeling pretty lousy in the present. Not surprisingly, you may even start discounting your past accomplishments. Beware...This is not a logical process; it's a psychological one. Now you wonder if colleagues, friends or family members will detect that something is wrong. While projecting a competent image has been the norm, now this voice inside is relentlessly shouting, "Impostor!" "Impostor."

 

 

And then you catch yourself emitting heavy, labored sighs. (When do people often engage in deep, labored breathing or sighing? Other than when calling those 1-900 numbers. When experiencing a deep sense of loss and change perceived as uncontrollable.) Is chronically grappling with a profound sense of vulnerability or uncertainty anyone's favorite state? Certainly not mine. No surprise then that some folks will "progress" to the third phase: "Cynicism and Callousness."

 

Are you starting to feel I've been looking in your window? Or, as a reader recently emailed: "Have you been a fly on the wall in my house?" Let's not be premature. We still have two more stages to go. And next, we'll check out your "tude."

 

3. Cynicism and Callousness. In response to that prolonged feeling of insecurity or vulnerability, some folks feel there's only one thing left to do: put on the heavy armor. They develop an ATTITUDE: "Look out for # 1." "Cover your derriere." "No one's getting to me." And, in the short run, the strategy often works. You become sufficiently abrasive or obnoxious, people start avoiding you. But this hard exterior can eventually become a burdensome, self-defeating strategy.

 

 

Here's an example. Years ago, I was leading a workshop at a construction industry conference. There was a guy, I'll call him Joe, who was head of a large plumber's union. Now Joe was basically a down to earth, nice guy...who found himself becoming increasingly bitter, with that hard attitude. And it was scaring him! Now granted, Joe was in a position that pulled him in all directions - compelling demands, favors, complaints, bribes! Still, what do you think was Joe's biggest stress trap? That's right, this "good Joe" was such a "nice guy." What can't nice guys and nice gals do? They can't say "no!." Nor are they confident establishing their boundaries.

 

They have difficulty with authority - being one or interacting with one. These nice folks tend to avoid conflict; they don't want to hurt others' feelings.

 

They are not comfortable with anger, or don't know how to express their frustration or displeasure in a focused manner. Their personal mantras are being "fair" and "accommodation" (while feeling deep rejection when other's aren't fair or accommodating).

 

 

These accommodators, despite having a full workload plate, when asked to take on new work will just smush their peas and bread into the mashed potatoes and allow others to pile on more stuff. Hey, being a team player doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your integrity or health.

 

 

There's an option: "Sure I'll help you with this new demand and deadline. But for me to give the assignment the attention it deserves, we'll have to renegotiate my priority list and timelines." (I'm not saying there aren't extra-ordinary and emergency situations. But there is a difference between urgent and important. When everything is urgent, nothing is important!) Setting realistic limits is not a negative reflection on your work ethic or your ability to to go the extra mile.

 

Without boundaries, that mile often morphs into a marathon. Remember, someone once said: "Burnout is less a sign of failure and more that you gave yourself away."

 

 

Joe was really worried. He thought he was going through a split personality process - going from Dr. Jekyl into Hiding. I had to reassure him that there wasn't any genetic transformation occurring. Without realizing it, he had been sucked up by the progressive burnout whirlpool.

And there's another reason for paying attention to this process. Burnout doesn't just facilitate a hardening of the psyche. When your stress starts to smolder into frustration and anger; then turns to suspicion and mistrust as you enclose yourself in embattled armor or a crusty shell...This is not just how you harden an attitude, but it's a formula for hardening the arteries, as well. Cardiovascular complications, high blood pressure, even premature heart attacks can ensue.

 

Which is why, usually, I'd rather people hit the fourth stage of burnout, than linger in the third. Of course, "Failure, Helplessness and Crisis" sounds terrible. But consider this: "hitting bottom means there's no more downward spiral." And, if you can reach out, there's no where to go but up. Hold on. One more lap to go.

 

 

4. Failure, Helplessness and Crisis. Being caught in a familiar "Catch-22" often signals the final phase: "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." "Damned if you stay, damned if you leave." Your coping structure seems to be coming unglued. Next stop...the psychiatric ward! Probably not, however, the crisis smoke signals are billowing big time. Why is that?

 

 

Burnout is like trying to race a marathon - full speed, nonstop. Can anyone race 26 miles full speed, nonstop? Of course not. Even Olympic marathon runners must pace themselves. If not, the body parts will break down. And with burnout, over time, the mental apparatus also wears out.

 

 

In fact, one reason the fourth stage is so disorienting is that a person's psychological defenses have worn down. Cracks start appearing in the defensive armor. Painful memories and old hurts normally contained by your emotional defenses are leaking through the cracks. A slight or an emotional bump can set off an overly sensitive and personal reaction. Now a mate's occasional, somewhat annoying behavior really irritates as it reminds you of a mannerism of your father. Or, jealousy towards a colleague reeks of sibling rivalry

[smokey bear]

Hey, before throwing up your hands, remember...burnout is not for wimps. A lot of other folks would have jumped ship much earlier. Many of you reach the farther stages of burnout because of your tenacity and dedication.

 

You have a strong sense of responsibility and don't like being deterred from reaching your goals. All noble qualities...unless compelled by rigid perfectionism and "there's only one right way" thinking. Then, pursuing your goals takes a back seat to proving others wrong and overcoming humiliation. You are chasing (maybe, also, being chased by) ego-driven egoals. Especially in times of overload, uncertainty and major change, "driven and rigid responsibility" can quickly transform a performance benefit into a personal and professional liability.

 

 

Also, these folks are usually not just responsible, they often are quite responsive to others. People lean on them for support. Are you a pillar of strength for those around you? If so, will those dependent upon you be quick to notice when you are feeling shaky? That you may need a shoulder?

 

Often not, as their sense of security is contingent on your always being strong and available. Are you buying into this "superperson" role or hiding behind a heroic mask? Maybe you always had to help mom with (sometimes raise) the other kids.

 

Or you're the emotional sponge in the office, frequently absorbing your colleagues' complaints. Can you hear that screeching, scratching sound? That's the stress knot twisting and turning tighter and tighter about your neck.

 

 

On the Edge

No wonder people start jumping out of jobs or school, out of relationships, sometimes just jumping. And for those not into jumping, you may be into swinging by the fourth stage. Mood swinging, that is, between short highs and/or prolonged depressive lows. Okay, the existential question: Is it Miller Time or Prozac Time? From my perspective, it's way too late for the former (though, clearly, many people disagree with me) and a decision on the latter requires expert opinion.

 

But that's exactly the key for transforming a danger into an opportunity. Fourth stage burnout is the crisis point, it's crunch time. Are you ready to step up to the plate and reach out for the help and resources you need? A person recovers and expands his or her strengths and possibilities through a crisis when:

 

 

1) getting proper and sufficient support; someone trained in crisis intervention and loss,

 

2) confronting denial, false hopes, cynicism or helplessness,

 

3) grieving past and present losses while turning guilt, hurt, anxiety and aggression into focused energy and

 

4) acquiring and applying skills and technology for turning new problem-solving options into productive attitudes and actions

[smokey bear]

http://www.healmylife.com/articles/counselling/nervous%20breakdown.htm

[smokey bear]

EMOTIONAL MATURITY

 

The mature person has developed attitudes in relation to himself and his environment which have lifted him above "childishness" in thought and behavior

 

Some of the characteristics of the person who has achieved true adulthood are suggested here

 

1. He accepts criticism gratefully, being honestly glad for an opportunity to improve

 

2. He does not indulge in self-pity. He has begun to feel the laws of compensation operating in all life

 

3. He does not expect special consideration from anyone

 

4. He controls his temper.

 

5. He meets emergencies with poise

 

6. His feelings are not easily hurt

 

7. He accepts the responsibility of his own actions without trying to "alibi.

 

8. He has outgrown the "all or nothing" stage. He recognizes that no person or situation is wholly good or wholly bad, and he begins to appreciate the Golden Mean

 

9. He is not impatient at reasonable delays. He has learned that he is not the arbiter of the universe and that he must often adjust himself to other people and their convenience

 

10. He is a good loser. He can endure defeat and disappointment without whining or complaining

 

11. He does not worry about things he cannot help

 

12. He is not given to boasting or "showing off" in socially unacceptable ways

 

13. He is honestly glad when others enjoy success or good fortune. He has outgrown envy and jealousy

 

14. He is open-minded enough to listen thoughtfully to the opinions of others

 

15. He is not a chronic "fault-finder

 

16. He plans things in advance rather than trusting to the inspiration of the moment

 

Last of all, we think in terms of spiritual maturity

 

1. He has faith in a Power greater then himself

 

2. He feels himself an organic part of mankind as a whole, contributing his part to each group of which he is a member

 

3. He obeys the spiritual essence of the Golden Rule: "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself"

Edited January 9, 2012 by smokey bear

[smokey bear]

http://www.mysticgames.com/mysticgames_cfmfiles/tests/showtest.cfm?TestID=24

 

 

 

Emotional maturity quiz lol

 

I got 83% quite impressed lol

[smokey bear]

7 Steps to emotional maturity

 

 

1. Eliminate Magical Thinking

 

Magical thinking is believing that something will happen without any real effort on your part.

 

This is normal thinking in children, but self defeating in adults.

 

People often can get stuck in magical thinking if a significant event happened to reinforce it in childhood.

 

For a dramatic but not uncommon example, consider the child who's parent has a heart attack. If that child had been angry with the parent that day and though angry thoughts about them, they would probably magically think that they themselves had caused the heart attack.

 

That child as an adult may find it extremely difficult to confront others, especially others who are perceived as frail.

 

2. Learn to Tolerate Your Anxiety

 

Suppressing your anxiety causes it to continue - "what you resist, persists".

 

Then you start fearing the anxiety, a state referred to as anticipatory anxiety.

 

It's sort of like working out with weights - when it is heavy and your arm gets tired, youíre natural impulse is to put down the weight, but you know to strengthen your muscles, you continue.

 

Its the same with anxiety. Your tendency is to avoid it and seek immediate relief.

 

But to become stronger emotionally, take the time to look at your anxiety, learn about it, and work with it.

 

3. Learn to Recognize and Appropriately Express Your Anger

 

People who do not express their anger are usually afraid of what will happen if they do. They have distorted fantasies - fearing the floodgates and being out of control.

 

They may have lacked family role models of appropriate anger expression.

Discharging of anger by screaming or hitting pillows used to be recommended, even by therapists.

 

But now most professionals believe this just keeps the nervous system on alert and does nothing to address a constructive plan of action.

 

Instead, learn to put your anger into words.

 

If you're unsure how to do this, consider an assertiveness training course.

 

It will teach you the difference between passive, assertive, and aggressive expression of anger.

 

4. Learn to Cope With Pain and Hurt

 

Pain and hurt are natural consequences of life because of the simple fact that life involves change and loss.

 

To never feel hurt is to be deadened.

 

Our emotions are vulnerable but they are not fine china - overprotecting yourself leaves you vulnerable because you fail to develop strength and resiliency.

 

Moderate exposure to pain and loss is often what creates opportunities for developing coping skills.

 

Are you someone who thinks of themselves as a victim whenever you experience pain or loss?

 

If so, what are you getting from this stance?

 

5. Facing Your Guilty Feelings

 

We all make mistakes and we all behave selfishly and meanly at times.

 

Some guilt is based on reality and facing it helps us become better people.

 

Rationalizing away this guilt is harmful, and leads you to make the same mistakes again.

 

Take responsibility for mistakes, verbally express your regrets and take action to make amends.

 

6. Learn to Live With Your Failures

 

You can't avoid doing wrong, because perfection does not exist in humans!

 

But forgiving yourself does not have to be limited to mental attitude.

 

Action is what helps us live with our failures.

 

Be of service to others, and have a positive attitude.

 

Being useful to others and being part of the solution to problems around us is extremely therapeutic.

 

7. Put Your Feelings in Perspective

 

Strive to see that life is gray, not black and white.

 

Tolerate ambiguity.

 

Avoid words like never and always.

 

Realize that the world is a vast place that we can never completely understand and certainly never "master", whatever that means.

 

Feelings are messy, mistakes are made, relationships are complex, and life is ever-changing.

 

Any one feeling or event is but a piece of the big picture.

 

And there's surely nothing you will ever experience and no pain you will ever feel, that has not been felt and survived by others.

 

If you doubt this, take a look around you and reach out.

[smokey bear]

Emotional maturity means, in essence, controlling your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you. That does not mean we should hide or repress our emotions, though we can use muscle relaxation, yoga, guided imagery and other relaxation tools to reduce their intensity. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist, I believe our thoughts, in conjunction with our environment, create our emotions. Fortunately, we can control our thoughts by becoming aware of our negative and inaccurate beliefs and ideas.

 

 

 

Dr. Martha Starks (Modes of Therapeutic Action) defines psychological maturity as "being able to accept the reality of people and things as they are, without needing them to be other than that."

 

 

Our brains will believe anything we tell them. If you tell your brain that you are in danger (physically, emotionally or psychologically), it reacts as if you are sliding face first down a mountain. If you replace negative, irrational, self-limiting thoughts with accurate, empowering and more adaptive thoughts, your emotional control will improve dramatically. What does that mean? It means that your relationships improve, you feel in control and happy, you like yourself more, and you are more likely to reach your life goals.

 

How do you recognize emotional maturity? An emotionally mature person will have many of the following traits:

Knowing what one wants and making it happen

 

Thinking before acting and having control over one's behavior

 

Self-reliance and the ability to take responsibility for one's life and actions

 

Patience

 

The ability to connect with others in a cooperative and positive way

 

Genuinely caring about others and demonstrating that ability

 

Honesty and living by one's principles

 

Having moderation and balance in all things

 

Having the ability to follow through, even when it is difficult

 

Humility and the ability to say, "I was wrong. I am sorry."

[Art_Critic]

Dude.. stop spamming your own thread...

Show some emotional maturity...

 

Please....

[smokey bear]

Cognitive Maturity

 

Maturation of the teen brain

 

 

Implications for parents, mentors, and society

How do we decide when a young person has developed adult judgment? Auto rental companies do not rent to drivers under age 25. The risk of damage and destruction of property is too great for the companies to expose the vehicles to younger immature drivers. So, what is maturity and how and when does it happen? Maturity is completeness of growth and development. There are three components to this process: physical, mental, and what might be called cognitive.

 

Each of these has its own separate timetable of completion. Physical and mental maturity is fairly obvious to an outside observer, and can be measured—physical by weight and height, and mental, by memory and technical or artistic work. Both of these are usually complete by the end of the teen years.

 

 

Cognitive maturity is less well-understood and, until recently, its time of completion has been undetermined. As you will see, though, in this paper, understanding of adolescent cognitive development has huge implications for all of society, and recent breakthroughs in neuroscience will forever change our understanding of adolescents and the role adults play in their lives. It is important to differentiate the terms "adolescent" and "teenager" from each other. The adolescent years are the period of time during which a person grows from puberty to cognitive maturity.

 

This period extends well past the teen years. In fact, most college students are still adolescents. The purpose of this paper is to discuss the data proving that—of physical, mental, and cognitive maturity—it is cognitive maturity that develops last, usually not reaching completion until the mid-twenties.

 

 

Physically most people become mature as teenagers, some startlingly so. LeBron James, of the Cleveland Cavaliers basketball team, straight out of high school, can run circles around some highly experienced NBA players.

Mentally, teenagers achieve great maturity of intelligence—their ability to calculate, memorize, and create is sometimes startling. The movie "Amadeus," about Mozart, graphically illustrated this. Despite his youthful mental prowess, because his cognitive maturity lagged behind, Mozart's capacity for making decisions that required judgment was strikingly immature. The primary message of recent groundbreaking neuroscience is that cognitive maturity develops last, after physical and mental maturity, for all adolescents. This research shows that cognitive maturity occurs in the mid-twenties, and includes the following:

• Mature judgment
  
• Seeing into the future
  
• Seeing how behavior can affect future
  
• Associating cause and effect
  
• Moral intelligence
  
• Abstract thinking
  
• Seeing what is not obvious
  
• Planning and decision-making
  
• Rational behavior and decision-making
  
• Rules of social conduct
  
• Understanding rules of social conduct
  

Most individuals have never thought about when these abilities develop or where they originate. Ancient writings often say they come from the heart—clearly separating them from just the ability to think. Perhaps, in concept, they were not far off. Neuroscientists, led by Jay Giedd, MD, Chief of Brain Imaging at the National Institute of Mental Health, are showing us that these capacities primarily reside within the pre-frontal cortex of the frontal lobes of the brain. MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) is a technology that uses strong magnets to take pictures of body parts. New MRI studies of the developing brains of normal adolescents clearly show that the physical development of the pre-frontal cortex is not complete until the mid-twenties.

 

 

Before recent research revealed this startling new information, adolescent specialists had assumed that adolescents acted the way they do because of raging "hormones," heredity, bad or good environmental factors, or a host of other reasons, all hopelessly commingled into a stew of influences that could probably never be understood. It is not that these other factors don't influence adolescents; they do. The issue is that underlying all of this—the overriding influence—is an incompletely developed pre-frontal cortex that limits the ability of adolescents to independently make mature decisions.

 

 

Adolescents' ability to make totally mature judgment calls based on abstract thinking, i.e., seeing how current behavior affects future outcomes, is limited. Therefore, their failures in this area are not necessarily moral. Quite literally, they do not have the brain cell connections to "do" judgment calculations. This means that, if parents, mentors, and the rest of society fails to give adolescents guidance (and, if necessary, discipline), if we fail to help them make the best decisions for themselves and for society, we abandon them to guidance by their own brains—brains which are incompletely developed and that are incapable of the truly mature judgment.

 

 

Surprisingly, incomplete cognitive development of the brain lasts well through college years and, therefore, has enormous implications for the responsibility of parents and university administrators to that group. We fail young persons when we give them "just the facts" and say "you decide" without guiding them to and supporting them in making the best decisions. We fail them when we expect them to control their impulses and avoid risk behaviors, when we abandon them at critical decision-points to their own minds—minds with a limited capacity for abstract thinking.

 

 

In considering how his research has shaped the way he parents his own children, Dr. Jay Giedd says it has made him comfortable with the fact that giving guidance to his children, even through their college years, is not "butting in." He points out that trial and error and mistakes and successes are all a part of the process of brain molding that is supposed to happen. Parents need to understand this and take it into consideration as their adolescents mature, intervening to help prevent "irreversible" mistakes whenever possible. Parents and mentors and all of society have a responsibility to adolescents. This new information allows adults to comfortably help our children develop wisdom, avoid dangerous risk behaviors, and have the brightest futures.

[smokey bear]

Dude.. stop spamming your own thread...

Show some emotional maturity...

 

Please....

 

 

 

LOL its for my own reference at a later date.

 

If i save it on my computer and it crashes its lost forever, it can float about out in the internet until i need it again.

[chelsea2011]

http://www.mysticgames.com/mysticgames_cfmfiles/tests/showtest.cfm?TestID=24

 

 

 

Emotional maturity quiz lol

 

I got 83% quite impressed lol

 

Great little quiz! I got 84.5%.