A Greater understandng of GIGS.....

[smokey bear]

Ok so the next part.....

 

I have a true understanding of gigs now, but the theory, patterns etc seem to show that the ex comes back to you after all of this.

 

My next question now is how does this link to them coming back.

 

During this stage emotion seems to elude them then when they come back, its light a lightbulb moment, the love had just vanished but it seems to just reappear too and hits them intensly.

 

 

I need help figuring this bit out now guy,

 

 

Leoc1973, can't thank you enough for posting that post, any help on this next bit would be appreciated.

[chados]

Ok so the next part.....

 

I have a true understanding of gigs now, but the theory, patterns etc seem to show that the ex comes back to you after all of this.

 

My next question now is how does this link to them coming back.

 

During this stage emotion seems to elude them then when they come back, its light a lightbulb moment, the love had just vanished but it seems to just reappear too and hits them intensly.

 

 

I need help figuring this bit out now guy,

 

 

Leoc1973, can't thank you enough for posting that post, any help on this next bit would be appreciated.

 

 

 

 

personally my ex was probably feeling pushed into a decision. i think she might have regrets. but i doubt it will be a reconciliation anytime soon. its to fresh.

 

another personal experience i had with a date.. i did let her go because something felt wrong. well i was thinking about her for 6 months after we stopped dating. i didnt love her or anything. but who knows, if we had continued the dating for maybe just 1 month the story could have been different. there will be people in your life that gives you something to remember,

 

even if youre not sure what it really is. you cant choose what to feel. if i fell inlove with that drugaddict on the subway. well i can choose not talking to her, i can choose not to date her. but i cant change my feelings towards her

[ZimboGon]

Hey, smokey bear... Could i get your opinion on my situation? I have 4 threads... Its a lot of reading, whenever you get the chance... I'm pretty young, and i'm not sure if GIGS applies in my situation or not or if i even really understandit.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t310153/ -First three

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t310348/- My most recent one.

[chados]

Hey, smokey bear... Could i get your opinion on my situation? I have 4 threads... Its a lot of reading, whenever you get the chance... I'm pretty young, and i'm not sure if GIGS applies in my situation or not or if i even really understandit.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t310153/ -First three

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t310348/- My most recent one.

 

 

 

ive read some other treads from you.. i would find it very likely that she could come back, she's young and doesnt know what she wants. but dont sit around waiting. thats always the worst thing you can do if you ever want to reattract her.

[smokey bear]

Ok i think im getting it, Ive read the whole report and the bts in bold are the terminolgy they use, ive tried to re word it so its more understandable and you dont have to read paragraphs of bumf.

 

ok before someone goes through gigs, they are at stage 4 in cognitive developement.

 

Stage 4

 

that takes place from age 12 (given sufficient IQ, education and stimuli) to adulthood, is Formal Operations. This is a more objective way of perceiving the world with the ability to focus simultaneously on several aspects of a problem - this is 'decentration.' Even adults, before they obtain the full abilities of formal operations - or if (as is common) they do not develop that far - continue with a centrated, single-minded point of view, intolerant of alternatives. Adult centration is the rule rather than the exception. The centrated person has tunnel vision when it comes to the world of ideas; the decentrated person is open to considering new ideas from all directions.

 

So please note, some people actually a large percent of the population do not progress past this point, in every day life how many times do we come across single/narrow minded people, hell ive even seen it on this forum.

 

After gigs they are stage 5

 

 

Cognitive maturity includes the following abilities:

• Mature judgment
  
• Seeing into the future
  
• Seeing how behavior can affect future
  
• Associating cause and effect
  
• Moral intelligence
  
• Abstract thinking
  
• Seeing what is not obvious
  
• Planning and decision-making
  
• Rational behavior and decision-making
  
• Rules of social conduct
  
• Understanding rules of social conduct
  

How does it affect emotion.....

 

 

Once a person has reached the level of Postformal Operations, there is an integration of Emotion and Cognition. Postformal operations include the evaluation of the contextual relevance of emotional information when decision making. Along with the increase in Metacognitive Intelligence that accompanies Postformal operations, there is an increased ability for Introspection. Most people have some capacity for introspection, to look inward and reflect on one's self and one's own thoughts, but this capacity increases dramatically when a student attains the stages of Formal and Postformal Operations.

 

 

So it seems during this stage 5 gigs process emotion etc is not a focus, it is ignored. At stage 4 they had love for the dumpee, after stage 5 they can now look within themselves and fully understand that love rather than just feeling it without an explanation before, i think this is where we get unconditional love..... wait i can expand on that more.

 

Social intelligence has also been identified as a critical factor in personal development, as to be successful one needs to be able to relate well to others, to present oneself with clarity and authenticity, and communicate empathetically. An important aspect of social intelligence is Emotional intelligence: the ability to perceive, understand and regulate emotion in the self and others.

 

So if cognitive developement develops last, then the development of emotion etc could not be at its final stage until the gigs sufferer had faught the superego and reached cognitive maturity. Only after cognitive maturity has been developed can it be applied to other areas such as emotion, social etc. Does this make sense?

 

 

Obtaining a meta-view of one's own mental functions is a result of adult intellectual development. Ego strength and maturity enable an objective understanding of cause and effect that enhances the multiple intelligences that are not strictly cognitive. BINGO answer to above question.

 

 

 

The good news is that metacognitive growth continues after the age of twenty and certainly continues until, at least, the age of thirty. The bad news, however, is that it tends to become more Domain Specific during the adult phase of development. This is because the metacognitive processes, as they develop, are becoming progressively more dependent on Intermediate-Term Working Memory and specialist knowledge. In short, an adult has a higher level of meta-intelligence than a teenager, but it tends to be in several specific domains rather than Domain General

 

I dont understand this, does it mean domain specific, ok the source of love before stage 5 was the dumpee, after stage 5 it returns to the dumpee through our working memory. It stays domain specific, hence why they try for years and years to get back the gigs dumpee victim, i dont know if im understanding this paragraph correct.

 

 

 

Ok

 

here goes again.

 

From the artificial intelligence field, researchers have discarded the idea of a General Problem Solver in favor of knowledge-based expert systems. This is because no amount of processing power can achieve real-world problem solving proficiency without an extensive set of domain-relevant knowledge structures. This cannot be accomplished alone, it requires a process of Distributed Cognition. Not all of one's intelligence occurs in one's own head; it needs to be combined with external resources of knowledge and understanding. This latter, external and distributed type of cognition is termed Extelligence. Like Metacognition, this is an important aspect of Crystallized Intelligence.

 

 

In terms of love, figuring it all out, we the dumpee's are the extelligence, specifically for cases where its long term 5 years or so or the first love, we might be the only memory source of this.

 

We are the outside source used to solve the problem of the greater understanding of love that is seeked after stage 5 cognitive development

 

This is why when homebrew said we are the measuring stick, its correct we are.

 

Hence why the dumper also needs to go and date others after they are normal, stage 5 otherwise they may leave again doubting their decision once they've reached this new maturity.

 

 

Levels 1 & 2 correlate with Formal Operations of cognitive ability. A person needs to have developed some level of detachment before he is able to see himself as part of a system. This detachment only comes with Formal Operations, even if the only goal is to conform. Until a person has the ideocentric viewpoint that comes with attaining the lower levels of Formal Operations, his effective Systems Intelligence is zero. Before a person has reached the level of Formal Operations, he is running on automatic, he can only conform to simple systems like the family, and he is not aware that he is part of a larger system.

 

ok real mumbo jumbo unless you've read the marathon paragraph, ill sum it up.

 

The dumper has to have some level of detachment before he can see himself as part of the problem, Even if the goal is to be together at the end, until the dumper see's his part in the problem which is retained through detaching from the problem he has no understanding of it. Hence why to go nc. Until the dumper see's his part he will run on automatic he doesnt see himself as part of the problem.....

 

Awareness is only part of the solution, the dumper has to reach stage 5 before he can have an impact or change the problem. ie change for the better.

 

The dumpers tend to first form an opinion, ie their not happy and then look at the evidence supporting that opinion which seems to be the dumpee. If evidence to the contrary is presented ie we try to talk them out of not loving us, the party lifestyle etc, The dumper either downplay it or outright ignore it.

 

Hence why they go cold, run away, avoid us, cant answer questions.

 

After stage 5 the dumper has a increase of emotional intelligence, Which is why i think they feel the love again so intensly. So while going through gigs they are on auto pilot, they downplay or ignore emotion, feelings for us because it conflicts with the theory they have of being unhappy. After detaching from the situation and working out their own part in the problem through stage 5 cognitive maturity they then have an increase in emotional intelligence as well. the original problem is gone so is the downplay and ignoring of emotion and Feelings are free to resurface because they are no longer confused.

 

 

Did i explain it ok?

[smokey bear]

Social intelligence has also been identified as a critical factor in personal development, as to be successful one needs to be able to relate well to others, to present oneself with clarity and authenticity, and communicate empathetically. An important aspect of social intelligence is Emotional intelligence: the ability to perceive, understand and regulate emotion in the self and others.

 

After reading the article i gather that emotional intelligence is discoved alongside cognitive intelligence aka GIGS or after Gigs, i very much doubt its possible to form it without going through that process described earlier.

 

Here's the last bit.

 

 

Emotional Intelligence - intelligence of the heart - has its roots in the concept of 'social intelligence,' first identified by E.L. Thorndike in 1920. Psychologists have been uncovering other intelligences for some time now, grouping them mainly into three clusters:

1. Abstract intelligence (the ability to understand and manipulate with verbal and mathematic symbols).
   
2. Concrete intelligence (the ability to understand and manipulate with objects).
   
3. Social intelligence (the ability to understand and relate to people).
   

Thorndike defined social intelligence as, "The ability to understand and manage men and women, boys and girls - to act wisely in human relations." And Gardner includes inter- and intrapersonal intelligences in his theory of multiple intelligences. These two intelligences comprise social intelligence. He defines them as follows:

• Interpersonal intelligence is the ability to understand other people: what motivates them, how they work, how to work cooperatively with them. Successful salespeople, politicians, teachers, clinicians, and religious leaders are all likely to be individuals with high degrees of interpersonal intelligence.
  
• Intrapersonal intelligence is the ability to understand oneself. It is a capacity to form an accurate and truthful model of oneself and to be able to use that model to operate effectively in life.
  

Emotional Intelligence (often given the acronym EQ, the emotional-intelligence equivalent of IQ) encompasses social intelligence and emphasizes the affect of emotions on our ability to view situations objectively and thus to understand ourselves and other people. It is the ability to sense, understand, and effectively apply the power of emotions, appropriately channelled as a source of energy, creativity and influence. It includes a person's ability to understand their own emotions and those of others, and to act appropriately using these emotions. Balancing and integrating the head and heart, channelled through the left and right brain, is the mission of personal growth work in the domain of emotional intelligence.

EQ includes such things as: 


• Identifying your feelings and needs, through body-awareness.
  
• The ability to read others’ feelings, and to listen to others with empathy.
  
• Knowing how to express your feelings with words and/or body-language.
  
• Choosing when to contain (not repress) emotion, and when to communicate emotion appropriately.
  
• The ability to process and let go of emotion when necessary.
  
• The willingness to give ourselves time to feel, and to enjoy the depths of our ‘selves’ through feeling.
  
• The ability to lead wisely or follow with grace.
  
• The ability to honor our own limits, as well as to celebrate our talents.
  
• The ability to give and receive love.
  

A rich and colorful tapestry of emotion gives meaning to our lives, and depth to our experiences. Even when we are not consciously aware of emotion, it motivates our behavior, and drives our every gesture and choice. Many of us have learned early in our lives to hide or ignore our feelings, and that is why relationships can become stunted and dull. Relationships cannot be truly intimate, nor can they grow, without a sharing of our emotional inner worlds.

 

Emotions are the primary source of human energy, aspiration and drive, activating our innermost feelings and purpose in life, and transforming them from things we think about, to values we live. The key factor is the way that we interpret our circumstances, based on our prior experiences and belief system, to either respond reactively like a stimulus-response machine with an emotion that is outside our control and may be inappropriate and self-defeating, or to respond proactively with self-determined responsibility - and freedom of choice.

 

Only part of our success in life is attributable to intellect. Other qualities: trust, integrity, authenticity, creativity, honesty, presence and resilience, are at least as important. These 'other intelligences' are collectively described as Emotional Intelligence.

 

There was a time when IQ was considered the leading determinant of success. Based on brain and behavioral research, Daniel Goleman argued in his ground-breaking book, 'Emotional Intelligence,' that our IQ-oriented view of intelligence is far too narrow. Instead, Goleman makes the case for emotional intelligence (EQ) being the strongest indicator of human success. He defines emotional intelligence in terms of self-awareness, altruism, personal motivation, empathy, and the ability to love and be loved by friends, partners, and family members. People who possess high emotional intelligence are the people who truly succeed in work as well as play, building flourishing careers and lasting, meaningful relationships.

 

The good news is that EQ can be learned or developed, it's not something you're stuck with. We can develop in ways that can improve our relationships, our parenting, our classrooms, and our workplaces. Our temperaments may be determined by neurochemistry and long-established patterns of behavior, our genetic and cultural programming, but we can recover control. We could turn society on its ear if we learned to recognize our emotions and control our reactions; if we combined our thinking with our feeling; if we learned to channel our flow of feelings into creative expression, an expression of love.

 

Emotional intelligence plays an integral role in defining character and determining both our individual and group destinies. It involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use the information to guide one's thinking and actions. In short, to embrace the power of emotions intelligently. It involves abilities that may be categorized into five domains:

1. Self-awareness:
   
   
   Observing an emotion as it happens; realizing the prior ideas and conceptions that underly an emotional response; being open to intuitive insights; emotional honesty - a developed sense of integrity and authenticity.
   
   
2. Emotional maturity:
   
   
   Facing up to fears and anxieties, anger, sadness and discontent and expressing that energy constructively, whilst retaining spontaneity.
   
   
3. Self-motivation:
   
   
   Channeling emotional energy in the service of a goal; openness to new ideas; the ability to find breakthrough solutions and to make sound decisions; resilient optimism based on competence; sense of responsibility and personal power to get things done in accordance with what is needed and wanted.
   
   
4. Empathic understanding:
   
   
   Sensitivity to others' feelings and concerns and willingness to respect their perspective; valuing the differences in how people feel about things; the capacity to trust and be trusted, to forgive and be forgiven.
   
   
5. Quality communication:
   
   
   Managing emotions in others through communication based on empathy and understanding, to build mututal trust; social skills, including constructive handling of disagreements and the ability to create and sustain friendships; leadership effectiveness
   
   

Ive fried my brain for tonight, id like to hear anyone's opinions they have on this.

Edited December 18, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ZimboGon]

ive read some other treads from you.. i would find it very likely that she could come back, she's young and doesnt know what she wants. but dont sit around waiting. thats always the worst thing you can do if you ever want to reattract her.

 

Thank you for your input

 

I'm not sitting around waiting, per say. I'm living my life in every way and improving, except i'm not going to make any strides romantically with other women. Otherwise, i think i am doing well for myself.

[chados]

Thank you for your input

 

I'm not sitting around waiting, per say. I'm living my life in every way and improving, except i'm not going to make any strides romantically with other women. Otherwise, i think i am doing well for myself.

 

its not about rushing into a relationship, dating is innocent if its stays at just dating.

[chados]

hi smokey let me ask you. is there any studies on this topic?

[smokey bear]

hi smokey let me ask you. is there any studies on this topic?

 

 

That whole page of posting i just did was the study!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

There's a bit ive forgot that sums up why sex/another relationship is involved ill post it tomorrow im off to bed.

[chados]

That whole page of posting i just did was the study!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

There's a bit ive forgot that sums up why sex/another relationship is involved ill post it tomorrow im off to bed.

 

well if my ex got this feelings, it would be great

[wilsonx]

Good luck holding out until shes 25 or so...

[ZimboGon]

Good luck holding out until shes 25 or so...

 

You think it'll take that long?

[thepedestrian]

Zimbo, it might take forever. Move on brother, you'll be happy you did. She might come knocking at your door one day but no one knows. You'll have the power to take her back... IF YOU EVEN WANT HER BACK then!

[smokey bear]

The common time frame is the age 18-26, yes 26 not 25 and it can affect you up to the age of 30 if the person chooses to educate themselves and seek a broader understanding of themselves.

 

The change is common to happen around mid twenties and can start from 18 so for some it could last years, the only way to judge how long it will last is to look at the person and see if you recognise any of the maturity factors taking place but it also says that some can get stuck in this process.

[chados]

The common time frame is the age 18-26, yes 26 not 25 and it can affect you up to the age of 30 if the person chooses to educate themselves and seek a broader understanding of themselves.

 

The change is common to happen around mid twenties and can start from 18 so for some it could last years, the only way to judge how long it will last is to look at the person and see if you recognise any of the maturity factors taking place but it also says that some can get stuck in this process.

 

 

 

i doubt that the chance of reconciliation is going to happen 5-6 years later. al though i believe that you could realize a lot of mistakes after a time like that. i just think that the gigs part where youre starting to miss a person will often happen much faster then that.

[smokey bear]

i doubt that the chance of reconciliation is going to happen 5-6 years later. al though i believe that you could realize a lot of mistakes after a time like that. i just think that the gigs part where youre starting to miss a person will often happen much faster then that.

 

 

Did you not read the post, the gigs part is going through maturity, its nothing to do with missing you!!!!!!!

[chados]

Did you not read the post, the gigs part is going through maturity, its nothing to do with missing you!!!!!!!

 

i did answer zimbo's post.. cause im preety sure thats what he wants to know, and since it looked like you were answering him. yes you will probably grow up when your 25-26 and realize many of your mistakes.

[smokey bear]

i did answer zimbo's post.. cause im preety sure thats what he wants to know, and since it looked like you were answering him. yes you will probably grow up when your 25-26 and realize many of your mistakes.

 

 

Sorry i misread that post, in answer to missing someone....

 

 

relationship book by a well-known psychologist (Dr. Bonnie Weil). Very interesting! She says that during the first few weeks of a breakup from a VIABLE long-term relationship (one year or longer) where feelings seemed to have changed, the "dumper" feels mostly RELIEF (they've had a difficult decision hanging over their head for some time, but now they've made it and the pressure is off) and GUILT for hurting the "dumpee". To help themselves get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision. They need to convince themselves of this. If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

 

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE. It's only after about two months that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision. This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

 

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages.

 

 

 

I think it happens even slower if they rebound. I would say 6-8 months in these cases.

because with a rebound they have someone to comfort them and mask the reality of their f***ed up decision and they wont begin to feel any remorse until they are alone. Then months would have gone by and You would have been moving on with your life while they just begin to feel the effects of both break ups. They either come back to make up of go for a 3rd rebound

so

they don't have to face the real word again

[gibson]

its nothing to do with missing you!!!!!!!

 

If you were dumped due to GIGS, they don't long for you, they don't pine away for you and they rarely miss or think about you.

 

They dumped you because they want to be single, date around, have fun, experience new and different things, etc. Also their mind, they believe, think and feel that there is something better.

 

They don't have the maturity level, life experience or care about how special you are, how great your relationship was or anything like that. They have stars in their eyes, are going to take the world by storm and have a better life waiting out there that doesn't include you.

 

It's only after they have had enough time (SEVERAL YEARS) for life, their choices, their actions, the people they date, their new "friends", etc. before they grow up, want more and understand who / what you were and how special the relationship is.

 

If you are a jealous person, don't respect their decision to do what they think is best for them, take the break up and their GIGS life to personal, if you don't move on, pursue and date others, you have ZERO chance of getting a GIGS person back, ever.

 

GIGS reconciliations work out when both parties have moved on, experienced both good and bad things, dated others and reconnect at a much later time and choose to rekindle things for a whole host of reasons. Mainly because you both like each other as people, have fond memories of one another and enjoyed the relationship you once had.

 

Neither one of you will care about the break up, who / what happened during that time away or anything else for that matter. It's not some intense or grand event, fireworks don't go off, the angels aren't going to sing, etc. You both just are open to dating, take it slow and things just fall into place and it's even better than the first time because both of you have learned a great deal about yourself, dating, relationships, love, etc. Before you both know it, you are in love and making light and laughing about the time you spent apart.

 

Leave on a good note, wish them well, heal, move on and a couple of years from now, don't be surprised if they show back up in your life. At that time, if you are single and have any interest in them, you will. Otherwise, you share some memories, some laughs, are grateful you two had the opportunity to catch up and go about your life.

[chados]

Sorry i misread that post, in answer to missing someone....

 

 

relationship book by a well-known psychologist (Dr. Bonnie Weil). Very interesting! She says that during the first few weeks of a breakup from a VIABLE long-term relationship (one year or longer) where feelings seemed to have changed, the "dumper" feels mostly RELIEF (they've had a difficult decision hanging over their head for some time, but now they've made it and the pressure is off) and GUILT for hurting the "dumpee". To help themselves get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision. They need to convince themselves of this. If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

 

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE. It's only after about two months that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision. This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

 

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages.

 

 

 

 

 

I think it happens even slower if they rebound. I would say 6-8 months in these cases.

because with a rebound they have someone to comfort them and mask the reality of their f***ed up decision and they wont begin to feel any remorse until they are alone. Then months would have gone by and You would have been moving on with your life while they just begin to feel the effects of both break ups. They either come back to make up of go for a 3rd rebound

so

they don't have to face the real word again

 

 

 

 

this does sound realistic.. sounds logical that it could take around 6-8 months, and maybe a shortterm relationship. but i have to say, i really dont believe its that hard to reattract a person if you know how to do it. but 99% dont

[smokey bear]

this does sound realistic.. sounds logical that it could take around 6-8 months, and maybe a shortterm relationship. but i have to say, i really dont believe its that hard to reattract a person if you know how to do it. but 99% dont

 

 

I dont think gigs cases lose attraction, all the cases i know, after the initial anger etc calms down the sexual attraction is still there. Its the freekin love thats gone!!!!!!

[chados]

I dont think gigs cases lose attraction, all the cases i know, after the initial anger etc calms down the sexual attraction is still there. Its the freekin love thats gone!!!!!!

 

 

yeah but isnt love attraction?

[smokey bear]

No!!!! Attraction is attraction, when you met your ex for the very first time, it wasnt love that made you date them!!!!!!!!!

[chados]

No!!!! Attraction is attraction, when you met your ex for the very first time, it wasnt love that made you date them!!!!!!!!!

 

 

that wasnt my point, isnt there attraction if you love someone? maybe not physical attraction but its still some sort of attraction