One year separated, he wants me back, now what?

This time he really means it. He said all the things one would need to hear to even consider going back: "I will do whatever it takes...", "I can't live without you", "I royally screwed up", "I'm so sorry..." etc. and he was even on his knees begging me, (but within reason, not desperate but with utter genuineness and clarity, something he normally lacked).

I can hear his sincerity and see humility. I am blown away by how he is being respectful of my boundaries and giving me space to think about it. Mind you, he came to me a month after he filed for divorce. He's tried to come back throughout the year we've been a part, but it was always in a half-a@@ed-sort of way, which I promptly disregarded and went go back to NC. THis time it was very different...

He seems like a different person, like he's really matured. I see the man I fell in love with but much older and wiser. I just don't know if I could ever be with him again after all the horrible things he did leading up to leaving.

Anyone else been in this situation? What would be the steps to take to even consider opening the door to see if I would want to reconcile? I think I've moved on, but we were together for 15 years and we have a very strong bond. yes i love him, but I've done too much work on myself in this last year to go and mess that up...

suggestions? your experience? thanks in advance

I think you need to express your concerns about it. I am not saying make him feel guilty, unleash bottled up anger, and point fingers at him, but just express to him that you are a little weary of reconciling because you were deeply hurt and don't want to go through what you did again. If he is genuine he should understand that you feel this way (I don't know your situation with him in the past, but this is assuming he really hurt you and such). If you find it within yourself to let go of the past and really want to start new, then give him a chance, but take things very slow. Make him prove to you that he has really changed and isn't just saying things to butter you up. Hope all goes well for you

Hi PF459

It's been about two weeks since this happened, and the most I could say to him about any of this was that I just needed some time to think about it, i'm really still in shock over all of this...it's just waay too much to process. I really had let him go and was moving on.

ONe thing I have already concluded concurs with what you wrote:

"but take things very slow. Make him prove to you that he has really changed and isn't just saying things to butter you up."

If i decide to see him again, i already know it would have to be a very long, and slow process, several months to give it enough time to allow our real selves to be revealed once more.

Here's an added twist: he is out of the country until Feb. He showed up at my door early one morning 2 weeks ago to deliver his urgent message (about wanting me back) than left the next day to finish a job assignment overseas. That was annoying, but typical of him...

I've been avoiding having much contact with him because I am unable to really gauge whether he's 'changed' until we can be face to face and I dont' want a fantasy thing to build over the phone and online, and have it blown by reality when we see each other. But yesterday, I did speak with him and started to reveal some of my feelings, concerns, like how I don't know if I could ever go back to him after all that has happened, how i think we are two different people now. things like that, and he listened to me and said he understood, but that "we love each other and we can work this out" and went on how he is totally devoted to seeing it through (another shocker..).

I did have a moment where I got angry and I told him that I am still very angry and I'm not sure if these feelings can be reconciled...

basically, i just don't know:confused:

PF459, forgot to add: thanks for your reply and well wishes : )

How are you doing? This seems to be a sticky and frustrating situation with all the mixed feelings in the air whether you want him back or just isn't sure. You guys have a long history and I can tell you miss the old guy you fell in love with and with him saying all the right things just leaves you confused. The best thing you can do is what you said to really have the conversation face to face that way you can observe him more closely. Facial gestures and body gestures can tell a lot about how someone feels. Give yourself more time to make a decision. And if you come to the decision that that you want to give it a second try then do so but you must tread carefully because you do not want to run into the same problems. But even so i do not know the whole situation in the past but you have to do whats best to you. When you get to meet him face to face just have fun and when you feel the time is right ease your way into getting him to get into how he feels and what caused him to change. Go from there because you don't want to get suckered in because he's been saying all the right things and if you get back together it changes. If I were you i would want to know what cause to change? I would like to know reason of why i should take him back. Get inside his head and find out whats going on up there to give yourself time to think about what will be the best choice for you. I hope this helps you some keep us posted best of luck!

Your post just struck a massive chord with me..and you know what...I think I prefer the 'Slipper Syndrome' than change... it really freaked me out!

TBH, I am not totally sure I would know WHAT to do if my ex did what yours have...I KnOW I would be blown away...but beyond that...errr....I guess I would say I am scared... illustrate the fact that we have both changed..and I guess I would need to re-evaluate things. I KNOW what I expect from ANY man...loyalty, trust, etc...but we have so many other obstacles in the way too... I really don't know.

I anticipate being in your situation very soon...I will keep an eye on your thread to see how you progress things...

I guess..I'd be thinking..what are your boundaries Wind? What do you want from life...and kinda look at that question as if life could end imminently....what would be your regrets either waya...I don't know...

I apologise for not being able to provide more support

Best of luck and much love

Zabs xx

Hi cblunt09,

Thanks for your response. I have asked him what made him change, or more realistically, made him come to his decision to come back. He said in essence that no matter what he was doing, no matter who he was with, no matter how amazing an experience he was having (he traveled to se asia at one point) he was always searching for me; all these experiences he had while away felt empty without having shared them with me. that i was always there in his heart and he cannot fathom going on for the rest of his life miserable and lonely without me....

he also said that he has since learned that certain behaviors he had while with me, that I would call him out on and say are unacceptable, were met in kind by others. he realized that he was wrong to have treated me or expected certain things (unhealthy co dependent stuff), that he was crossing boundaries- he couldn't get away with said behaviors with others also.

it's things like that he's saying that have just left me speechless and unable to respond. it is so hard for me to comprehend the self reflection that is taking place in his brain, lol.

thanks for your support and suggestions!

Hi PF459

 

It's been about two weeks since this happened, and the most I could say to him about any of this was that I just needed some time to think about it, i'm really still in shock over all of this...it's just waay too much to process. I really had let him go and was moving on.

 

ONe thing I have already concluded concurs with what you wrote:

 

 

If i decide to see him again, i already know it would have to be a very long, and slow process, several months to give it enough time to allow our real selves to be revealed once more.

 

Here's an added twist: he is out of the country until Feb. He showed up at my door early one morning 2 weeks ago to deliver his urgent message (about wanting me back) than left the next day to finish a job assignment overseas. That was annoying, but typical of him...

 

I've been avoiding having much contact with him because I am unable to really gauge whether he's 'changed' until we can be face to face and I dont' want a fantasy thing to build over the phone and online, and have it blown by reality when we see each other. But yesterday, I did speak with him and started to reveal some of my feelings, concerns, like how I don't know if I could ever go back to him after all that has happened, how i think we are two different people now. things like that, and he listened to me and said he understood, but that "we love each other and we can work this out" and went on how he is totally devoted to seeing it through (another shocker..).

 

I did have a moment where I got angry and I told him that I am still very angry and I'm not sure if these feelings can be reconciled...

 

basically, i just don't know:confused:

Hmm one thing that makes me think he is being sincere is that he took the time out of his busy schedule to show up at your doorstep and confess his feelings for you. He could have done it through phone or some other impersonal way, but the fact that he went out of his way to do it in person already says something about him.

I can tell you are still kind of confused and overwhelmed however, so I think you just need some space so you can really think about what you want from all this. If he really means it when he says he understands and is devoted to making it work, he will give you this space and wait for you to think things through. Give it time, take things slow, and gather your feelings together. Since he is out of the country, you should be having some space at least to collect yourself. Maybe when he gets back you guys can start seeing each otherr again, if you want, and discover if you have truly changed as people and grown far apart. Only time will tell. Best of luck, keep us posted We are always here to help

Zabs, thank you so much for your support and insights, i really appreciate it and everyone's responses. it helps me to gain perspective.

I'm not sure I know what the 'slipper syndrome' is. Irregardless, this change of events has not freaked me out so much as put me in a tailspin (something he has always been good at). It is this new found steady nature of his and his dedication to me (and us) that is so perplexing because he has always been an airy, flighty sort and now he really knows what he wants (me) and is going for it (in a respectful and patient way). In addition, he used to come across as having a 'split'- his actions were counter to his words. I don't see that now in him now, i see them as working in sync, which completely disarms me. it was easier to move on when i would see him in all of his confusion and contradictions, i don't see any of that now (granted we have only spoken in person once or twice since he went back to europe, and a few times over skype).

You bring up a very valid point about what i see as me wanting in the longterm, this is something I'm questioning myself in that he is in a field that is very different than what i'm getting a higher degree in- we used to be working partners in the creative sector, but since he left i've been pursuing a degree in another one altogether. i don't know if our lifestyles are compatible anymore. and quite frankly, i don't mix well with a lot of the new crowd he hangs with, though he would have me believe that going out and partying are no longer a priority, that having a stable home life and productive work life his wish.

sigh, glad i have some time to sort these feelings out and not feel rushed to start seeing him. one thing that is bothering me is i'm finding myself reaching out to him emotionally already, something i've learned NOT to do this last year + since he left. Granted, i do not act on this emotional reaching out by calling him, but i have been finding myself thinking about him more than i think i should. he was a scoundrel at one point, completely overcome with GIGS. now that he's had his fill he wants to just come back home? how will i ever trust him again?

and there is another thing, i've since found that I really like living alone. I can't imagine living with him again!

good luck with your situation, let me know how yours progresses too!

Hmm one thing that makes me think he is being sincere is that he took the time out of his busy schedule to show up at your doorstep and confess his feelings for you. He could have done it through phone or some other impersonal way, but the fact that he went out of his way to do it in person already says something about him.

 

I can tell you are still kind of confused and overwhelmed however, so I think you just need some space so you can really think about what you want from all this. If he really means it when he says he understands and is devoted to making it work, he will give you this space and wait for you to think things through. Give it time, take things slow, and gather your feelings together. Since he is out of the country, you should be having some space at least to collect yourself. Maybe when he gets back you guys can start seeing each otherr again, if you want, and discover if you have truly changed as people and grown far apart. Only time will tell. Best of luck, keep us posted We are always here to help

ya, i was in total shock when my doorbell rang at 7am and it was him (i thought he had already left for europe). he says, "hi, it's me, i really need to talk with you. i brought you some bagels". I'm heeing and hawing, and say through the speaker phone, "are you kidding me?" then he says, "look, I just spent $900 to say this to you, will you please just let me in to do that and I'll be on my way".

So, i let him in and he immediately gets down on his knees and starts to spill his guts, crying, while holding a bag of bagels, LOL. it was shocking to say the least. something i had hoped for for many months but had given up on.

after talking with me for some time later that day, he sent me an email which completely and succinctly outlined his intentions (he never could do that before, always left things vague for an out of some sort). he also made it clear he will respect my need for space and that i can take all the time i need. that from here on out, he is re-committed to me and us and is going to see it through. if i decide that i can't see him anymore, he will make sure that i am properly provided for because he wants to see me succeed in the best way possible

what am i supposed to do with all of that? isn't that sort of thing something everyone dreams of happening? someone said to me upon hearing all of this: ' this is a case of too much, too late....i think i might have to agree.

Oh my, this makes my heart smile. Bagels, giant rings of love. lol.

Well I know my dad kind of sort of did the same thing to my mom, but it was 6 months after the fact but mom has always maintained that too much hurt had been done by that point. She still cries and says she loves him to this day 14 years later.

This is a tough one. Perhaps you could tell him you guys could start off dating again and see how that goes? This is uncharted territory for most of us lol.

Please keep us posted.

Oh my, this makes my heart smile. Bagels, giant rings of love. lol.

 

Well I know my dad kind of sort of did the same thing to my mom, but it was 6 months after the fact but mom has always maintained that too much hurt had been done by that point. She still cries and says she loves him to this day 14 years later.

 

This is a tough one. Perhaps you could tell him you guys could start off dating again and see how that goes? This is uncharted territory for most of us lol.

 

Please keep us posted.

yes, it all does seem all so romantic, but i'm not feeling that very much...i got past that point when we filed for D in sept

the part about your mother still crying over him after 14 years! oh my, that really tugs on my heart! i can totally relate! despite everything that has happened, in deepest recesses of my being, i still love him immensely and i miss him a lot- sometimes. i just don't know how i will ever get past the feelings of betrayal. and yet, intellectually, i can understand why he had to leave. 15 years is a long time to be with the same person, and he is a lot younger than i am...

the thing the scares me the most is whether we have the ability to move beyond our disfunctional behavior. isn't it true that some things will never change? i know i have since he left, and i've done a lot of inventory of myself and of how my behavior contributed to the disfunction. one thing i know for sure and i need to continue working on, is the shame and remorse i feel for having stayed with someone for so long who exhibited clearly abusive behavior. that's a hard one to get over. and he also has some tendencies that go beyond mere borderline regarding his mental state. that does not change in a year, or can it?

if I were to even consider the possibility of trying a second time, I already know (and he knows too) that we would have to date and take things slowly. we sorted tried that back in Jan and he failed miserably in that department. I went nc many times throughout our separation. he finally got the message that I have boundaries and conditions for setting up a scenario of how to begin a new relationship.

i guess one of the problems right now is he is on another continent so we wouldn't even be able to start dating until he gets back in Feb-talk about a delayed response.... I figure if he is not really sincere he will lose interest by then. or, it could be a case of having me while he's on one continent, and having another while he's there. not something i care to have, too much like how his father set up his life

thanks for your response

I believe things can always change if it (or they) put in the work and thats where most people fail... putting in the work.

I can pull to mind 3 instances off the top of my head of people I know who were either physically abusive, alcoholics or drug addicts (or all three in one case) and how they have changed their lives around... but they put in the work.

I suppose given the distance between you two, if you were toying with the idea of a reconcile, I would tell him you will give him an answer in Feb when he gets back, so you both can re-evaluate your feelings... but again, thats like being in limbo.

Whatever decision you make, don't second guess yourself, don't "what if". I wish you the best of luck.

I believe things can always change if it (or they) put in the work and thats where most people fail... putting in the work.

I can pull to mind 3 instances off the top of my head of people I know who were either physically abusive, alcoholics or drug addicts (or all three in one case) and how they have changed their lives around... but they put in the work.

 

I suppose given the distance between you two, if you were toying with the idea of a reconcile, I would tell him you will give him an answer in Feb when he gets back, so you both can re-evaluate your feelings... but again, thats like being in limbo.

 

Whatever decision you make, don't second guess yourself, don't "what if". I wish you the best of luck.

thank you. i don't want a 'what if' to come around in 10 years. i have to be sure, one way or the other.

a key point i forgot to mention, is for a year leading up to the separation, i said to him he was a case of 'having your cake....". of course he denied it completely and repeatedly. one of the things he came clean about is how i was right regarding that and how he too now believes he was having a mid life crisis. he has said other things that genuinely demonstrate a sense of self reflection and honesty. wowohwow, that is something.

your message gives me some hope and another perspective, thank you so much!

This seems like a good turn around but you have to remember its all about whats best for you. He's showing all the demands of doing whatever it takes to get you back. Perhaps the break up made him realize that you were the best thing he's ever had and will do whatever it takes to be with you. The phrase "You Never Know What You Have Until Its gone" has completely settled in. And its perfectly natural to seem to be thinking about him more than you think you should. The reason being because he doing everything that you've wanted him to do in the past but gave up on. You are seeing the man who you fell in love with the first time so its hard to get him off your mind. set demands for him to follow and go from there. If he's saying he will respect that you need space take advantage of it and when your ready try to set something up like dinner and a movie. Start off slow dating and see how it goes. He's already admitted that he was wrong and that he is miserable without you. Trust is something that takes time to get back. I feel that if you really want to give it a second time you guys are going to have to work together and are devoted to making it work. There have been case where the second time around works out better because having time apart give one another to work on themselves and correct the problems within one's self. Keep us posted im praying that everything will work out for the best.

How many times have you rejected him?

cblunt09, ahhh, thank you for the well wishes. we'll see. i'm the one on the fence now after living with indecision by him for so long..

i've never really heard any happy stories about second time around, quite the contrary, which is another reason why i'm so reticent- i simply could not handle another break up, this last year has been hell

Wave..Slipper syndrome..is a term used to decribe staying in a painful situation becuase you know it well as opposed to change..

Thanks for your kind words...meansm much to me xx Er...well, you do have big questions...you are now in unfamiliar territory but as I soon will be too..I think you are best guided by what you want in the long term...

Plus... I see Joe posted on page two and you answered a previous poster...Speaking strictly for myself...I think that Joe always pinpoints on salient issues...however, the fact it is a direct question to which your response could be 'many'...are you frightened to answer it in case his response isn't what you want to hear?

Just a though...

Mlove

Zabs xx

Zabs-

i can relate to the 'slipper syndrome' -stayed in a decaying situation far longer than i should have at the expense of my own self worth...

i didn't see EgoJoes response.... please keep me updated on your situation

EgoJoe:

How many times have you rejected him?

thank you for your response.

rejected in what sense? we were together for 15 years. in the last two he rejected me repeatedly on many levels. this is something that i will have a very difficult time reconciling if we were to reconcile