Cheating Wife (twice) Plus Bastard Kid

[Nickster1]

I have a feeling after so much buildup and everything else the end result will be lackluster and uneventful.

 

I feel given the way you write so disassociated you're not giving us the full picture, only the 50% you want us to see... it's all focused on her, what she's doing and done and the 'big event'. Anybody who has studied psychology enough can pick up on it through your entire thread. The whole thread is missing YOU unless you are explicitly called out by someone and then you seem very self deprecating. It's almost as if you're watching yourself in 3rd person through a piece of glass, or like in a movie. It's like focusing on the situation is your way of not focusing on its affect on you, is actually not a good thing.

Well, 1st I'm not a professional writer nor do i have experience in such situations. But, I understand what you mean. I think I'm talking all the time about her and me as 3rd person is a way to shield me from that nightmare. I'm not hiding from it, I know I'm in this mess, but it feels easier to describe the situation this way.

What do you mean by thread missing me? what kind of info is missing that is needed to understand the plot better?

[Nickster1]

First, "the kid". Is he your son (by attachment) or just some spawn of some kind? I find this description of him disturbing. 2nd, I wouldn't assume anything. He might be delighted that he gets 2 knock up your wife and you'll raise his child for him. There are plenty of deadbeat dads out there. He might just be another one.

No, no no...The kid is my son. I love him like there's no tomorrow.But today after knowing what i know, my bio son will always be ahead, at least that is how i feel.

 

Your reasoning escapes me here, and your plan doesn't make any sense.

Let me explain. OM1 is probably the place where she will go (if I throw her on the street) if she doesn't go to OM2. These are the options.

As I've telling here, she is in touch with OM1 although not as much as before as she is very busy with OM2. I also know the OM1 does love her (actually tells here over the phone that he loves her, compared to OM2 that can't say that even if my W begs him to say that...)

I also know the OM1 know my W wants to stay with me...so he is ok with that in that capacity. However, I believe that if he finds out that my W is screwing another person, OM2, he would be furious about that.

 

Like I said before, that kind of thing happens and more often than you think. If you focus your efforts on punishing people you may be surprised that they aren't helpless 2 retaliate in a similarly vindictive manner. I've been a member on marriage builders and other discussion forums for almost 10 years now, and I can think of about a half dozen si2ations where a cheating wife has had the betrayed husband thrown out of his own house by the police on trumped up domestic violence charges.

Well, I hope not. Also the fact that i can control the information and whether I'm going to share it and with who...can probably put her into control.

 

Like it or not, infidelity isn't illegal. Many people - including some here - will congra2late your wife for following her heart and finding happiness and true love.

Following her heart and finding happiness...She could/should have separated from me, and then left to find happiness by all means.

To me, she was sometimes complaining that i don't spend enough time with the kids, to much computer time, not helping her with the house but never about sex. From her actions, the OM doesn't help her with the kids, he doesn't clean the house...only provides her Sex. (the only area that she was not really complaining...)

 

Your plan is 2 be vindictive and punish your wife and whoever happens 2 be her OM du jour....maximize the shock effect of busting them for doing what you already know more than you need 2 know ...Don't screw up your and your kids' fu2re by winding up in jail or a hospital because you, your wife, or her boy-toy for the night can't control their temper....

I'm not violent, and I'm not planning to become one. Hopefully, I'll have my backup that will serve as peace officer and photographer (video-YouTube?)

She is not worth it for me to be in jail/hospital, and sure not her scumbag OM .

 

And btw: if she wants to make fun of me for taking so long to find out...It's fine. Everybody will see me as a naive fool/blind that was in loved. Everybody will see her as a lying bitch, whore, prostitute that was dumb enough to give her body to strangers and no money in return, destroy her family and possibly future of her kids, and simply be a bad person.

If I was her future boy friend or something, I would think twice before I marry such a person that is very likely to cheat on me, have kids with different dads...

[stillafool]

Tomorrow my friend, tomorrow...they are going to meet...Bu BOOOOM!!

 

 

Well tomorrow is today now. So I guess the next post from Nickster will be or should be that he busted his wife.

[Owl]

That's the only thing that's going to change the situation.

 

I'm holding off on trying to offer anymore advice until something changes the equation. Perhaps once that happens, I'll have something useful to the OP. Until then, I think any advice we can offer is pretty moot.

[2long]

Me 2.

 

Nick still misunderstands my posts, and is still focused on drama, on winning some kind of "best parent" contest, and not enough on his own values and issues (like needing 2 retaliate for rather than detaching from the wrongs done 2 him and his kids).

 

-ol' 2long

[Chi townD]

Zzzzzzz.......

[sadcalifornian]

Zzzzzzz.......

 

This is such a bad novel, you know that, right?

[rowell2024]

This should be the morning after the big confrontation at the hotel.

[stillafool]

Hey, what happened????? I had my coffee all ready to read the news.....

[Chi townD]

This is such a bad novel, you know that, right?

 

Nah, I just know that there's no other advice I (or anyone else) could give at this point. Kind of at a stalemate until he confronts. So, I'm taking a nap on this thread until he ACTUALLY does something productive so we could continue with giving advice. Besides, if he went through with his plan to bust them at the hotel (to which, most people advised against) he's probably in lock up waiting to be arraigned. Now, if you'll excuse me.

 

Zzzzzzzz.....

Edited October 12, 2011 by Chi townD

[Nickster1]

Well, I found out that they are going to meet in my house, so i went there as fast as I could, got through the main door. I caught them together she was going down on him. She jumped out and started crying. she was in complete shock and was white as snow. The OM jumped out very quick, he was also in shock, i asked him on why did he do that? what kind of man was he that he couldn't get a woman and had to take somebody's else W that has family and kids. He was mumbling something...i told him that he is a pussy scumbag if he can't answer me...he run for the door and to his car. I acted the smart way and didn't think he was worth it for me to be violent with him. He is pretty physical guy so he must have been scared or humiliated enough to run.

So my W started crying the begging me to forgive her..

I sat he down and started asking her on what's going on? She said that he just came in and they were kissing. I asked how often did she see him since i know this guy was working in our house a year ago...she said only now. I asked what else did she do with him she said just kissing....nothing else..

I had to milk her for her to confess. Had to turn couple of tables and knock a wall (got my hand pretty sore). She would not admit **** unless i was able to prove that I know...Amazing. I told her during that "milking of info" that i can't handle it that i caught her in the act, and she still cannot come clean with me and confess about everything...i even got to the point where i asked her how come she didn't care about risking her life and my life by possibly getting us some STD. She replied that he never finished inside her...I knew it was a lie. I told her about a testing that i did to one of her tampons that revealed other mans DNA. Took couple of minutes, then she admitted it happened couple of times...

So I got a lot of information on her relationship with this OM. It was very exhausting day, and i crashed early. I felt that i cannot drop the super bomb of the little kid. She still insists that she only made out with OM1 and only kissed and he only went down on her AND that all that stopped when i caught them 5-6 years ago. She also swore that there was no other man other than OM1 and OM2 in their respective capacities...

She said that she cannot see herself without me, and that she is in loved with me. The OM (current) is just someone she loves but not like me.

Of course she was amazed on how i was able to find her in the hotel? Again, she first denied that she was there, then she said she just came to bring him something...then said that they ate together...that he was simply in the hood, and nothing happened...I was able "to prove" that i know that she did him full course in that place until she admitted...

Later I told her that i want her to talk to her family and brother...and tell them everything. She said no way. I told her this is my condition to consider to reconcile with her...She said she would rather leave and not do that. I told her that it would be better if her family finds out about this from her and not from others... She keeps saying that it would only hurt her family and why I'm so mean that i want to do that as her family was always nice to me...I told her that she did that not me, and needs to come clean and that will help her in the future. She's saying if they find out, she could not look at them in their eyes, and she would disconnect from her family and be alone...She begs me to punish her but not tell this thing to her family. I told her that without this she would not improve. Then she said that if they find out, she might become evil and might continue to do what she did before...i.e. screwing other guys...

Lastly, I told her that i think she is still hiding from me (the little kid) and i give her till the end of today to come clean, otherwise, it will be very bad.

More later...

[Chi townD]

Zzzzz....

 

Huh...WHAT!!!......Confrontation!!!! YAY!!!! Well, at least it's good that you're not in jail. But, why the hell didn't you tell her about the DNA test?

 

Oh, and don't let her strong arm you into not telling her family by threatening to sleep with an entire football team. I mean really? That proves to me that she's more upset with getting caught than cheating on you.

 

Okay, so you know that she won't tell her family. So, you need to do it. Don't tell her that you're going to do it, just do it. Don't give her an opportunity to come up with a story that's going to turn you into a monster.

 

She knows the jig is up and she's still trying to hide stuff. SHe doesn't know EXACTLY what you know so you have the advantage here. Don't blow it!!!

[drifter777]

You've heard this many times, but you are a fool for staying with this whore. Kick her out, now! It's not the child's fault that your wife is a cheating slut and I'm sure you love it like your own so I would hope you continue to be a father to both of your kids.

 

I, for one, don't want to read any more of your story until you get the balls to end this charade of a marriage. Anything else from you is just whining and hollering at the rain.

[stillafool]

I agree. I don't know how you can even think of a reconciliation when you saw the other man's d--k in her mouth. Why is it so important that she tell her family? So you can receive sympathy from them? There's something really sick about this now.

[Nickster1]

Maybe there's a (small) part in me, that believes that I caused her to do that. I'm not sure if i had said that here, but I did lack in giving her the attention that she deserved. Even back 5-6 ago. I spent tons of time not with her but with my daily chores, work, taking care of bills, news, online, etc. I was not a perfect husband. She simply wanted to have perfect life, and as such needed her "attention" and as she admitted, she wanted to have fun. She did.

 

Now, she also spoke to another brother of her that she feels very closed to. He's probably the only one that "knows" about the 1st cheating too. I say "knows" because even to him, she didn't tell the whole truth, only what she told me. She did NOT tell him about the little kid real dad, and insisted that she didn't sleep with OM1...Wow... So if she was in shock before...and now she wants me to talk to this brother (not the one that visited us).

The most unbelievable issue here is not the cheating itself. It is the fact that she will not admit/come clean, period. She only admitted to me and her bro' the things that i know or that I was able to find out myself. Not 1/1000's of an inch more.

[Chi townD]

Her cheating on you is NOT your fault! You had nothing to do with that, so don't take the excuse, "I cheated because YOU didn't pay enough attention to me." Did she even consider talking to you about it when she thought it was a problem? Nope! She slept with other men.

[Owl]

So...what are your plans NOW?

[Bryanp]

You know that there is probably a lot more that you don't know. I really think you would have to be out of your mind to stay with her. Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? Even when caught she continues to lie to your face.

 

How in the world could you ever trust her again or believe anything she ever tells you now and in the future? Are you proud that she is your wife? If you knew then what you know now would you have still married her? She is been playing you for a total fool for the past year and clearly has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[2011aug]

You know she has been lying to you for ages, and she's still lying.

 

I watch in awe at your tolerance and angst.

[country_gurl]

Well, I found out that they are going to meet in my house, so i went there as fast as I could, got through the main door. I caught them together she was going down on him.

 

I'm confused here. He and she were going to meet in YOUR HOME? So is that where they were when you busted them? (or where were they?)

[turnera]

The most unbelievable issue here is not the cheating itself. It is the fact that she will not admit/come clean, period.

She can never stop cheating unless she does come clean. It's a psychological thing; she has to reach total humility and admit she has a problem; otherwise, it just stays in hiding til the next temptation comes.

 

She HAS to see the reproach in her parents' eyes or she will never stop cheating. And please stop ASKING her to tell them. You have the initiative here, the momentum. Pick her up, drive her to their house, march her in, and say 'she has something to tell you.'

 

And if she refuses, tell them yourself.

 

Or...just divorce her.

Edited October 12, 2011 by turnera

[2long]

Begging your pardon, Nick, but...

 

 

...what are you, nuts???

 

 

Why didn't you tell her what you know? You don't have 2 tell her how you know - let her think that it could be common knowledge, or someone who knows you both told you, or whatever.

 

She's no different from any wayward who's been caught. She's only admitting 2 the things you "prove" that you know, the things she's caught doing. Not the whole story.

 

There's NO REMORSE here, she's only sorry that she got caught.

 

Man... I would have sent her off with the OM. Let him deal with her.

 

Now, expose! 2 her family, 2 her OMs' families. Make sure you explain that you are exposing because they deserve 2 know why you are divorcing. You are divorcing this person, right?

 

You aren't causing them harm by exposing the truth. She's the one who caused the harm. Now she has 2 live with the consequences of her actions, while everyone else - you and your kids in particular - are going 2 have 2 figure out how 2 live with the fallout of those actions.

 

If I'd been in that si2ation, knowing that OMs had been in my house or shagged in my own bed, I'd sell the house and torch the bed on the front lawn.

 

I predict that it will take you a while 2 come 2 the realization that there is no one here 2 still love. This woman was never who you thought she was, and so there's no relationship 2 recover because what you thought was a relationship was a big fat lie. Nothing more.

 

There's really no reason for you 2 get more confessions out of her. You know what you know, and any "admitting" she'll do after this will be incremental and designed 2 placate you and try 2 get you 2 accept her on her terms so she doesn't have 2 change her lifestyle.

 

-ol' 2long

[Circular]

I have a feeling after so much buildup and everything else the end result will be lackluster and uneventful.

 

I feel given the way you write so disassociated you're not giving us the full picture, only the 50% you want us to see... it's all focused on her, what she's doing and done and the 'big event'. Anybody who has studied psychology enough can pick up on it through your entire thread. The whole thread is missing YOU unless you are explicitly called out by someone and then you seem very self deprecating. It's almost as if you're watching yourself in 3rd person through a piece of glass, or like in a movie. It's like focusing on the situation is your way of not focusing on its affect on you, is actually not a good thing.

 

I won the betting pool!!!!!!!!!! Woohoo this and my other post about him reconciling.

 

Nick, when I wrote about you being disassociated and this thread is missing YOU what I meant is that you're telling this like it's a story in a book, like you're a narrator, almost like this isn't happening to you but to someone else. This is a deep seated internal issue of yours. Usually people who are very disassociated cannot get in touch with their true feelings, emotions, etc... they can only really feel extremes and everything else feels very vanilla. That's what I meant about this thread is lacking YOU.

 

Go read all the other BS threads, they are full of emotion about what is happening to them, how could their spouse do it to them, the pain they are feeling, the gut wrenching, the feeling sick to your stomach, etc... how will they ever get over it? The months and months of pain, years and years, and all the triggers associated with it.

 

This thread sounds more like a clinical science experiment. Even your 'busting' them is a narrative, lacking any true sense of personal emotion, or at least the type of emotion one would expect from such an event. You seem very controlled and this whole situation is now an extension of that need to control everything. You will reconcile, because you believe that gives you the greatest leverage and control and it allows everyone to see you as having this control. What you don't see is that this is an illusion, on the contrary you will not have any control.

[Nickster1]

...How in the world could you ever trust her again or believe anything she ever tells you now and in the future? Are you proud that she is your wife? If you knew then what you know now would you have still married her? She is been playing you for a total fool for the past year and clearly has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

I probably could not trust her again.

I'm sure not proud that this is my wife.

Sure I would NOT marry her back then had i known she is capable of doing that (cheating, screwing other men, etc.)

 

When i mentioned to her about the fact that she didn't have respect for me...she simply answered that at that moment, she only thought about herself. She said that she didn't think about me.

[Nickster1]

I'm confused here. He and she were going to meet in YOUR HOME? So is that where they were when you busted them? (or where were they?)

No, they were planning to meet in a hotel at evening time. But she wanted him to also come to the house during the day (when I'm at work). I found out about this, so I got there and busted them. I said to myself and also here, that I was fed up with seeing them again with no action on my part.