Husband of 20 years cheated and is leaving

[dreamingoftigers]

Alright.... seriously!

 

See that face ^^^^^

 

:mad: <-------------and those ones.

 

Those are angry faces because you are throwing yourself under the bus and not listening!

 

If you want to or don't want to save your marriage the path to getting yourself going in the right direction actually starts the same.

 

You need to stop making any kind of pathetic move towards him. THE END.

 

If you don't want to save your marriage anymore then you pick yourself help, do things to make yourself happy, kick his ass to the curb and deal with the emotional fallout yourself. He doesn't enter that equation.

 

If you do want to save your marriage then the path looks very similar. You pick yourself up, stop pursuing his uncaring ass, don't ask him about her or how things are going or where he has been or why he doesn't love you or whatever.

 

You start really taking care of yourself. Contact Divorcebusters for some extra support on this (don't tell him you are doing that or ask him to do it with you, don't be an Idiot!). So that when he does inevitably come around he sees a happy, self-confident woman that doesn't give a crap if he comes and goes, that's when he starts to wonder what's up.

 

180. You deal with the emotional fallout for now.

 

Stop acting like you "need" him on an emotional level. He has the emotional IQ of a squid and he is conflict-avoidant, that's how he ended up in an affair.

 

You take away the conflict part of your marriage (including your raging and crying) and then he is left with the other relationship to polarize on top of the fact that he is a douchebag and the OW must be beginning to realize that, and voila. Things start to crumble.

 

By the time that happens you probably won't want him back anyways, that doesn't mean stay pathetic and needy. That means get happy because life is too damn short.

 

Honestly I think the fact the he is so disconnected and rude means he can't process jack ****, it a weird way also a good sign.

 

QUIT OVERFUNCTIONING EMOTIONALLY FOR THIS GUY.

 

Call them, read The Dance of Anger, read Divorce Remedy.

 

STOP SOBBING AND TRYING TO GET WITH HIM, AT THIS POINT THAT WILL COST YOU THE MARRIAGE FASTER.

 

Truly I think you should leave but that is a totally personal decision that you may not be ready for.

[BB07]

Lexie's aunt........some people are going to say I have no business responding to your post because I'm a XOW but your story is breaking my heart.

 

 

I get that you are mad at the OW but damnit.......get mad at your sorry ass cheating husband and for pete's sake stop saying you already forgive him. As twisted as it sounds at least your husband has a better grip on how you are going to feel in a few weeks/months then you do. Yes you are going to be angry, sad, and very resentful and oh yes you deserve to be so stop being delusional and saying that you won't feel like that. You are human hon and you aren't a saint and humans feel those emotions when they have been ****e upon and yes you are getting ****e upon badly. Now fight BACK.....at your husband, stop being a pitiful begging mess. The only chance you will ever have of getting him back requires you to get a backbone and you need to do it, not for him but for yourself or else you are going to end up in the crazy house.

 

You've gotten some excellent advice from people who have walked in your shoes, please listen and take heed. See a lawyer.....get mad. I don't care if you get mad at me and pretend I'm the OW in your situation, just get mad and then you can channel that anger into taking some action.

[Carm]

I feel really bad for you and I have been exactly were you are BUT trust me when you step back and look at your life one or two years from now, you will wonder why YOU didn't kick his ass to the curb. He is nothing more than a lying cheater and in the process he used you, abused you and played you for a fool.

 

The one thing that I'd like to say is why put so much blame on her? He is your husband, the man that is supposed to protect you, love you, be in your corner. Who is she to you? She doesn't know you, love you or even really care about you. I would really think twice about cutting him so much slack on this, he is at the end of the day to blame for hurting you and letting you down.

 

The one thing that helped me get through this 2 years ago was to recite the Serenity prayer out loud (and I'm not religious) but it helped me cope and say it often....

 

'God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference'.

 

The first step in getting through this is to accept that he is not coming back...

Edited March 22, 2011 by Carm
wrong wording

[thomasb]

If I, for even one second, had treated my wife the way this so-called man is treating you, I would have lost all respect for her for having me back, let alone begging and pleading for it. You may not think so now, but you deserve to be treated with courtesy and consideration for your feelings. This man is incapable of either.

Pick yourself up...dust off your self worth and carry on. Like the other poster said, it will amaze you in a couple years you ever thought you would be unable to live without him. I do not see how you can possibly continue to live with him!

[Hanther]

I know its not all HER fault but most of it is. if she wasn't willing to sleep with a married man this woudlnt have happened.

 

TO the person who said it was an exit affair- you mean he went looking for someone because he wanted out? Why didn't he ask for a divorce and then go find someone? because if he would have talked to me i could have fixed everything. i keep thinking if I let him stay in our house while I"m still there that he will get over HER and realize what he has at home. Do you think they are still together or talking? Nothing shows up on the cell phone bill. i check it every day.

You deserve to be left. Seriously. You have blown ANY chance you had at getting your husband back.

 

You've been given great advice and done the opposite every time. Your husband doesn't want to be with you. He would have left with or without this girl. It is not her fault. It's his.

 

One day, you're gonna wake up and realize that you should have listened to the people here. Until then, no one can help you.

 

[seren]

Lexi's Aunt - The power to change things is in your hands, you have responsibility for your future, your happiness. I hope you can realise this. What you write sounds so different from many of the BS stories on LS that I don't know if you will have any others to compare with. Get angry (at WS not OW) get legal advice, get the locks changed and then take a breath and get a plan in place and realise that no one should stay because they feel pity, I hope you have moved on from that.

 

Please try not to plead, beg or any of those things, it is never the right thing to do. If someone loves you, they will be with you. Whether you are a BS or OW. Excuses are just that, they mean nothing. Stop making excuses for him and try to stop with the begging and pleading, it will achieve nothing and rob you of self respect. If he wants to stay then it will take a lot of hard work, but he sounds such a piece of work I am not sure I would even want to share air space with him.

 

Excuse my asking this, but I have to ask, is this for real? If it isn't hmm, if it is then I apologise for asking, and hope you find peace.

Edited March 22, 2011 by seren
Asking a not nice question

[Roadlesstaken]

Big hugs (((lexi))). I know what you are going through. I know it is hard, but pick yourself up and be good to yourself. I know that you may not see this now, but he did you a favor by letting you go so that you are free to eventually meet a nice man who is honest and will respect you. You deserve better than a liar and a cheater.

 

He may have another phone. My ex did. I didn't know until after he left the house about this phone.

[dreamingoftigers]

Big hugs (((lexi))). I know what you are going through. I know it is hard, but pick yourself up and be good to yourself. I know that you may not see this now, but he did you a favor by letting you go so that you are free to eventually meet a nice man who is honest and will respect you. You deserve better than a liar and a cheater.

 

He may have another phone. My ex did. I didn't know until after he left the house about this phone.

 

Oh he totally has another phone!

 

Quit being a spectator in his life, it is like wasting all of your time watching bad tv.

[Roadlesstaken]

Lexi always remember that "you can't fix stupid because you are not the jacka@@ whisperer" when it comes to your husband. Let him go and work on healing yourself.

 

In my darkest hours soon after I found out that my ex husband had been having an affair and also right after he left, I never thought that I would get over it. I thought I needed him. After going to therapy and working on myself, I realize that I am a much stronger person now than I have ever been. You well get to this point to eventually, but it is a process.

Edited March 22, 2011 by Roadlesstaken

[PhoenixRise]

Lexi's Aunt - The power to change things is in your hands, you have responsibility for your future, your happiness. I hope you can realise this. What you write sounds so different from many of the BS stories on LS that I don't know if you will have any others to compare with. Get angry (at WS not OW) get legal advice, get the locks changed and then take a breath and get a plan in place and realise that no one should stay because they feel pity, I hope you have moved on from that.

 

Please try not to plead, beg or any of those things, it is never the right thing to do. If someone loves you, they will be with you. Whether you are a BS or OW. Excuses are just that, they mean nothing. Stop making excuses for him and try to stop with the begging and pleading, it will achieve nothing and rob you of self respect. If he wants to stay then it will take a lot of hard work, but he sounds such a piece of work I am not sure I would even want to share air space with him.

 

Excuse my asking this, but I have to ask, is this for real? If it isn't hmm, if it is then I apologise for asking, and hope you find peace.

 

 

Seren I am wondering the same thing.

[dreamingoftigers]

It easily could be, I was an early "begger, pleader and forgiver."

 

Abandonment issues, histrionics and no sense of self.

 

Never ever thought that I would react the way that I did.

 

I thought if anything ever happened, that I would drop-kick him to the curb.

[Baroness67]

Wow, first of all I just want to thank Lexi's aunt for this thread. Without having just gone through all these (I've been off LS for a while) posts, I don't think I would have realized just how far I have come since the hell that was my 2008-2009. I could have written the OP. Thank God I know I am not there anymore.

 

I did all the things you're not supposed to do. After my husband admitted he had an affair (and was still going out, supposedly in "groups" and then perhaps not with the woman he worked with), I cried, I groveled, I accused, I made hollow threats, I plotted, I didn't sleep, I shopped too much, I drank too much, ate too much or too little, cleaned the house, could not get out of bed, made special dinners - I pretty much turned into the crazy lady that anyone sane would want to get away from. And get away from me he did! Every chance he could. He even "moved out" for several days, not sure where he was.

 

Best thing I did was to find this forum and, as everyone says, get a good therapist. There was actually one magic moment I remember when my therapist finally asked me, after 2 years, if I realized that I hadn't brought up my husband once in months. When, in starting therapy, she could barely get me to talk about myself at all, so focused was I on the minutiae of my husband's existence. It was hard for me to accept that I was once so absolutely obsessed with everything from whether any of his socks were missing to reading his every word like it was a tea leaf.

 

Unfortunately despite the good advice, you are literally/figuratively "blinded" by your emotions at this time. You cannot see straight. Lexi's aunt, you may just have to flail against the wind until you exhaust yourself. No one could really talk sense to me, either. And wow, did I also hate HER (and you do notice you keep putting 'her' in capital letters, right? Like she's got some magic power?).

 

I simply could not be made to believe that my husband wasn't going through some bit of madness he would snap out of. We were best friends! We had children! What could make him turn on me like that? He was telling me I was ugly and had let myself "go" when I was looking all over at couples on the street holding hands - you name it, there were some crazy looking people, and yet they were there, with someone to love them. What was so wrong about me? It wasn't like my husband looked like he did at 20, either!

 

Well, as I suspect will be the case with you, none of the crazy behavior worked for me. He did what he wanted. What a reward - he cheats and he gets both a girlfriend and a wife who loves him even MORE !! Special dinners, offers of sex ... wow, I really was quite the doormat. *shaking head*

 

Fortunately I did have my head on straight in a few places. I knew enough NOT to leave my marital home, and you should know it as well. Whatever he does, make it clear you are NOT leaving !!! He might do everything in his power to get you to leave - call you names, ignore you, generally make your life hell. Don't give in to it. Instead, if you can, take a hard look at that person who is calling you boring, old and unlovable - and picture what you would do if this was someone else's husband. That helped for me, to take the circumstances and pin them on strangers and see what I would think then - 100% of the time I was horrified at what I was subjecting myself to. The problem was that my emotions were still tied to him.

 

It took a long time, but I was finally able to realize my emotions were not attached to the guy who was in front of me - but to the guy in my head that I thought I was married to. But who really didn't exist. It's kind of like what you think you weigh doesn't matter - the scale won't lie. You can tell yourself anything you want about your marriage - it won't change what your marriage actually is.

 

Personally, Lexi's aunt, I think your husband is a horrible coward, not fit to lick boots. I'd bet anything that the OW doesn't think he's fantastically great shakes, either, unattached from you and a free man. Otherwise I would think she'd have him at her house and not living with you ... unless their strategy is to get you to move out so THEY can have the house. In which case I hope you will get it into your head and say HELL no, it's your house and SHE is not going to get your house! (If nothing else will motivate you, the important thing is that you not leave the house!)

 

The most amazing thing for me is that by the time my husband started to "come around" and stop acting like an alien had invaded his pants and his common sense, I had changed my own attitude enough so that I didn't even feel grateful. I just thought, 'whatever' because in my mind I had already given up on him. I wasn't going to kick him out (he was the father of my children and I would not do that to them), but if he left out the front door, so be it. After two years I knew I would just feel sorry for him that he had done something so horrible to his children that he would never, ever be able to take back. And, he never left.

 

Gradually we have become friends again. Have even had sex. It is not the same as it was - but you could not pay me to go back to what it was. It was not real. This, at least, I know is "real" because the only reality that counts to me is mine. If he leaves me in the future, I now know I will be fine - if I got myself through the past 3 years, I can get through anything. Even if he died tomorrow, I know now that I will be fine.

 

Oh, one thing that also helped me - I have a friend who is currently an OW. It sounds paradoxical, but I have gained a lot of insight from my friendship with her. Her self-esteem is practically bottom-feeding and I learned from her how much power the "wife" actually holds from her perspective. From her side, she has nothing, she is the victim, and the wife holds all the cards. The friendship has been worth another year of therapy in and of itself to remind me that I am one of the good guys - and that cheaters are not good guys.

 

They are often far more mixed up than the ones they cheat on.

 

Good luck and hope you get through this.

[KikiW]

According to the OP we are now about six weeks past D-day. Most (if not all) of the posters here have tried giving her good, solid advice... get a lawyer, get a therapist, stop transferring your anger to the OW, stop blubbering and begging. It seems to me the OP is not listening - not to anyone here (who are giving her excellent advice), not to her husband (who is telling her to stop trying because it's over), not to the OW (who told her he had done this before).

 

I hate to sound like Dr. Phil, OP, but how's that all working out for you? Is the denial, the transferred anger, the pleading getting you what you want?

 

PLEASE read what people have said here - no I mean REALLY read it, don't just skim through for some phrase that you can latch onto that gives you false hope or something.

 

You may THINK he hasn't seen a lawyer, but how do you know? You following him around all day? As others have said, he may very well have a second phone. It's not that hard to get one, cheap. He can call attorneys, whatever girl he's got on the side, his bar buddies, whatever on them and he knows you can't track it. Heck, that would be what I'd do if I were him - last thing I need is my hysterical, desperate wife getting more ammo to be a puddle of tears, screams and wails about.

 

PLEASE pay attention here. There are others who have gone through THIS VERY SITUATION. Listen to them, they have been there and done that and can tell you what helped them and what hurt them. Right now I guarantee this is all just hurting you.

[yessy21]

I see where all of you are coming from and I know I should take a stand. I don't think hes consulted a lawyer yet. he hasn't talked about divorce. he said we would have a separation. I know its not all HER fault but most of it is. if she wasn't willing to sleep with a married man this woudlnt have happened. And now she KNOWS how much hurt she's caused and if she is still with him or evne talking to him how DARE she!!! she's nothing more than a slut. I want to ruin her life the way she ruined mine. If she would just leave him alone I KNOW my husband would come back and try to work on things. SHE is the only thing standing in the way. Iknow you all think I am crazy because I want him back but I"ve been with him for all of my life since I was a teenager. I didn't realize I was taking him for granted and now I can fix all of that. How can someone fall for someone else in just a few months??? That kills me. I know Ishouldn't want him but I know my husband is in there somewhere and if he'd just give me a chance everything would be fine.

He says I would be happy at first but after that wears off I would be very angry and suspicious and hurt about what he did with HER. But Ive already forgiven him so I don't think that would happen.

 

TO the person who said it was an exit affair- you mean he went looking for someone because he wanted out? Why didn't he ask for a divorce and then go find someone? because if he would have talked to me i could have fixed everything. i keep thinking if I let him stay in our house while I"m still there that he will get over HER and realize what he has at home. Do you think they are still together or talking? Nothing shows up on the cell phone bill. i check it every day.

 

Nothing is going to change. He probrably has another phone. U need to stop.... If he did this to u now. later on IF he gets back with u because he feels sorry for u or she wont take him back... hes just going to do it again... with someone else. He cares for u but isnt In love with u. its hard to hear and understand. but u need to stop. and by the way... hesounds like he doesnt want to loose the house. he might just not want to leave the house. he wants u to leave. ha. this guy is a real *******. i should go over there and show him a thing or two.

[WorldIsYours]

Lexie's aunt........some people are going to say I have no business responding to your post because I'm a XOW

 

It's true.

[BB07]

It's true.

 

 

What happened to your other name (distant78)? Did it get banned?

[WorldIsYours]

What happened to your other name (distant78)? Did it get banned?

 

Don't know who you're talking about. Just stating the truth like you said.

[lexi29]

Big hugs (((lexi))). I know what you are going through. I know it is hard, but pick yourself up and be good to yourself. I know that you may not see this now, but he did you a favor by letting you go so that you are free to eventually meet a nice man who is honest and will respect you. You deserve better than a liar and a cheater.

 

He may have another phone. My ex did. I didn't know until after he left the house about this phone.

 

 

I do read everything everyone writes and thank you for responding. I DO try to take the advice- sometimes I feel strong and want to tell him off and I did the other night because he didn't want to take a shower with me andI blew up on him that I think he is still in love with HER. But I hate being alone and it is so hard to be at our house without him there. I have done stupid things like texting him that I love him and hope he comes home at night (I know SHE used to text him all the time and he liked it) and I bought new clothes and he noticed and thought I was going to go out ( he actually seemed hopeful that Id meet someone else which hurts!) and I told him i bought them for him to see me wear and he seemed uncomfortable.

 

but as far as the ohter phone. he DID have another phone (a disposable cell) and that is how i found out about HER. I found his phone hidden in his car with all these texts he sent saying he wanted to make love to her all day and love yous from her and to her etc. There were naked pics on the phone too. i smashed it to pieces so he doesn't have it anymore. They were talking on his regular cell and he told me he wouldn't stop and it used to show up online all the time. I blocked her number so he couldn't call her but he got mad. He doesn't talk to her anymore on his phone cuz it doesnt show up. I asked him and he said he doesn't talk to her just emails once in awhile.

[lexi29]

According to the OP we are now about six weeks past D-day. Most (if not all) of the posters here have tried giving her good, solid advice... get a lawyer, get a therapist, stop transferring your anger to the OW, stop blubbering and begging. It seems to me the OP is not listening - not to anyone here (who are giving her excellent advice), not to her husband (who is telling her to stop trying because it's over), not to the OW (who told her he had done this before).

 

I hate to sound like Dr. Phil, OP, but how's that all working out for you? Is the denial, the transferred anger, the pleading getting you what you want?

 

PLEASE read what people have said here - no I mean REALLY read it, don't just skim through for some phrase that you can latch onto that gives you false hope or something.

 

You may THINK he hasn't seen a lawyer, but how do you know? You following him around all day? As others have said, he may very well have a second phone. It's not that hard to get one, cheap. He can call attorneys, whatever girl he's got on the side, his bar buddies, whatever on them and he knows you can't track it. Heck, that would be what I'd do if I were him - last thing I need is my hysterical, desperate wife getting more ammo to be a puddle of tears, screams and wails about.

 

PLEASE pay attention here. There are others who have gone through THIS VERY SITUATION. Listen to them, they have been there and done that and can tell you what helped them and what hurt them. Right now I guarantee this is all just hurting you.

 

 

I do read it all but I feel so hopeless. like my husband is the only thing I have and I need to do whatever it takes to keep him. The thing is- he will leave but he keeps coming back. in my mind because he hasn't filed for divorce or even taken his stuff and he keeps spending nights at home- I keep thinking he will change his mind. He doesn't call me names or insult me. he just refuses to hold me, kiss me, touch me, let me hug him or tell me he loves me. for awhile he was telling me he loves HER and was still talking to her etc but now he just avoids the subject and he says they aren't talking. When I told him I want to ruin her life because she ruined mine he told me they don't even talk and he doesn't even know if she wants anything to do with him so to leave her alone. So I keep thinking since he is at home and since he isn't talking to her anymore maybe he will come around and want to start to work on our marriage.

[Carm]

I do read it all but I feel so hopeless. like my husband is the only thing I have and I need to do whatever it takes to keep him. The thing is- he will leave but he keeps coming back. in my mind because he hasn't filed for divorce or even taken his stuff and he keeps spending nights at home- I keep thinking he will change his mind. He doesn't call me names or insult me. he just refuses to hold me, kiss me, touch me, let me hug him or tell me he loves me. for awhile he was telling me he loves HER and was still talking to her etc but now he just avoids the subject and he says they aren't talking. When I told him I want to ruin her life because she ruined mine he told me they don't even talk and he doesn't even know if she wants anything to do with him so to leave her alone. So I keep thinking since he is at home and since he isn't talking to her anymore maybe he will come around and want to start to work on our marriage.

 

Many of us that have responded have been where you are right now and even though we've been gentle because we understand the hurt you are in, you are still not really getting it. I can breakdown every line you just wrote and give you an explanation for why he is doing what he's doing but the bottom line is that he is manipulating you so as to not cause any damage to this new love.

 

The more and more you stay in denial, the longer it'll take you to process what has happened to your life.

 

This guy needs to be so out of your life, he needs to be so far in your rear view mirror. I guarantee you, you have not caught him in every lie possible, but for every rat you see there are so many more you don't. You have to start being honest with yourself and say to yourself that you have married a guy that is a liar, he is dishonest, he is not worthy of your companionship and you need to get out of this.

 

You are grieving for the loss of the man who you wish he was, you are not grieving for the man he really is. You thought he was this wonderful man, you thought he was kind, giving, committed and plugged into your relationship but clearly he is not any of those things.

 

You need to validate your value and respect yourself enough to walk away.

[PhoenixRise]

I do read it all but I feel so hopeless. like my husband is the only thing I have and I need to do whatever it takes to keep him. The thing is- he will leave but he keeps coming back. in my mind because he hasn't filed for divorce or even taken his stuff and he keeps spending nights at home- I keep thinking he will change his mind. He doesn't call me names or insult me. he just refuses to hold me, kiss me, touch me, let me hug him or tell me he loves me. for awhile he was telling me he loves HER and was still talking to her etc but now he just avoids the subject and he says they aren't talking. When I told him I want to ruin her life because she ruined mine he told me they don't even talk and he doesn't even know if she wants anything to do with him so to leave her alone. So I keep thinking since he is at home and since he isn't talking to her anymore maybe he will come around and want to start to work on our marriage.

 

 

Lexie's Aunt

 

This is really broken thinking.

 

I get how you feel I really do. I think anyone who has been hit by infidelity can understand how you feel. I can understand having a moment or even a few days where you are crazy emotional out of control. But I don't understand why you are doing what you are doing. I don't understand having so little pride.

 

I don't understand why you are ok with being your H's default choice. You seem to be ok with the fact that he is there only because right now, his OW isn't talking to him.

 

IMO

 

A woman with no standards who never draws a line in the sand is not an attractive choice to any man worth a damn. A woman who will instantly claim to forgive and excuse horrific treatment and betrayal because she so afraid if she doesn't, the person dishing out the horrific treatment will leave HER will never have a relationship that is worth a damn. The only kind of man who will be attracted to such a woman is an abuser looking for a victim.

 

Think Lexie's Aunt..

 

If you get him back this way, by begging groveling and debasing your self this way, what kind of marriage will you have? What kind of husband will you be left with?

 

You will be left with a husband who knows beyond any shadow of a doubt that he can crap all over you and YOU will beg HIM to stay.

 

He will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he can reject you in the most dehumanizing ways and you will still beg him to allow you to show him affection.

 

He will know that he can cheat, flaunt his affair in your face, tell you outright he loves the OW and wants to leave you and you will be clinging to his ankles as he walks out the door.

 

AND Most of all Lexie's Aunt, he will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the working on the marriage that you keep talking about is absolutely NOT NECESSARY. He will know that he doesn't have to do a damn thing in order to stay in the marriage if he chooses. Because while he is treating you like $hit you are begging him to stay.

 

 

AND I will go even farther and say the that if it is true that the OW has distanced herself and he is no longer sure she wants to be with him, then SHE is looking more and more attractive to him by comparison.

 

You need to get control of your actions even if you can't control your emotions Lexie's Aunt because what you are doing now guarantees a lose lose situation for you.

[Baroness67]

Hi again from me as well, Lexi's Aunt,

 

And let me please have the privilege of sharing some of the $$$ benefits of my therapy, which I swear to God I wish I'd been able to know earlier.

 

Lexi's Aunt, I grew up in a broken family. One parent cheated on another, we kids were left alone all the time - pretty bad. We moved a lot. All I wanted growing up was stability, and I thought I found this by creating my own new life with my husband, whom I met when, like you, Lexi's Aunt, I was an older teenager.

 

Cue the part where I thought my life was set, and I let my guard down.

 

Let's cue again forward to the big "revelation" that I didn't actually solve all my life's problems marrying someone who was going to "take care of me" ... and boom ... there I was, really and truthfully, living out once again, all the drama and horror that was the trauma of my parents deciding their own happiness was more important to each of them than staying to be my parent.

 

No JOKE. Fortunately my amazing therapist made me see that my husband's affair was bringing up all these old traumas - (the one you love most is the one that betrays you - talk about an earthquake) - and what I would have done differently had I been my own parent. I decided, I would have not have done what my parents did, I would want to have done the thing that put my children as the priority. And so I did.

 

Sad for me emotionally as a woman? Absolutely. Can I go to my grave peacefully, though, knowing I have shifted my priority to being a parent? Yes, I think so. I've given up being a love object and the hope of being a partner in a loving relationship. I mean, it still might come - my husband and I are not entirely through this by any means and who's to say what will happen, 3 years is not necessarily enough time for a true resolution. However, I think ultimately, many of us have to choose. We are not all presented with perfect circumstances. I chose my children. Once I consciously did that, for some reason, the stuff with my husband calmed down. I'm still not entirely sure of the dymanics behind that, whether I changed, he changed, or what. But, it's easier.

 

And if we were in the ocean drowning - strangely, 10 years ago I would have saved my child, and I'd still save my child.

 

Anyway ONCE AGAIN back to you - it's so hard not to unintentionally go off on our own stories - but my therapist let me see that I was using the affair to work through some delayed work on my own parents and their divorce. I had a ton of *** to wade through. Was I lovable? Was I causing people to leave me, was I damaged?

 

I was finally made to sort through my memories of thoughts of my parent leaving - they were my only parent! I only got one! Did they not love me? Even though they had me? Even though I was their blood? They were all I had? Could they not think of me all the time? They would be back, right?

 

My parent never did come back. Their happiness was more important and they always used to tell me, "I knew you would want me to be happy. I could not be a good parent to you if I wasn't happy myself." RIGHT.

 

Time passes, and my parent is OLD now. They call and email and are all old and stuff ... and I am like, you know what, I have my own &*& to deal with.

 

Lexi's Aunt, your husband may actually not be a piece of crap, but he is acting like one, and he is treating you like super poo.

 

You might feel blindsided by all this because you thought you could let your trust down, but if you had a bad childhood and detached from your parents, you have not actually been blindsided ... actually you have been preparing for this your whole life. And you are stronger than you think you are. If you can detach from your parents, you can detach from your husband who is treating you just like you felt your parents treated you. Let me know if I am off base, but I just have a feeling you are re-enacting an experience you might have had with your parents?

[dreamingoftigers]

Goddammit Lexi's Aunt!

 

He does not want to hear that you love him, he does not want to see you in new clothes, he doesn't want to shower with you.

 

Why? Because it shows him the ****ty things he did everyday and he wants to escape the guilt and shame while justifying to himself why he did these things in the first place!

 

You are a walking reminder of what an ******* he is! As long as he feels like an ******* at home, he won't go within 10 feet of you.

 

It's pretty clear that you aren't going to toss his ass out the door. So fine....

 

You need to show him that you are the queen of your home and your life.

 

If your identity is so damn dependent on him, then show him your best. Are you a queen or a beggar?

 

Men work on supply and demand, supply yourself less and it will increase demand.

 

He is still in the house because he feels like you need him, he gets no chance to miss you or evaluate what he really wants to do. The biggest favor you could do for him is make yourself very happy, increase your confidence, hit the gym and don't be so ****ing available all of the time. And hey, you may recover your mental health as well!

 

Lexi's Aunt, if you keep this up even another couple of weeks, prepare to LOSE and for NOTHING. Don't just sit there and cry because you read this. Enough crying. You are FIRED FROM CRYING. That's it, pack up your kleenex box, you are DONE CRYING! FIRED FROM GUILT TRIPS TOO!

 

You are also fired from SPYING ON YOUR HUSBAND. Three reasons: 1. You aren't very good at it, maybe you are better at hairstyles or something. 2. You are NOT just a SPECTATOR in his life. 3. You are not the PENIS POLICE! IF HE IS GOING TO PUT IT IN HER, THEN HE IS GOING TO FIND A WAY TO DO IT! You have a household kingdom to run, GET TO IT!

 

I say this with love.

[dreamingoftigers]

I suggest this: Lexi's Aunt you are flailing about, doing the crying and guilting and forgiving and loving this guy thing, and.....it sucks.

 

Go do one thing for yourself right now and post back what it is, one small thing that doesn't involve the King of Doofus.

 

Put down the mouse and the kleenex and do something small and nice for yourself.

 

Or I will..... something...... yes......"something":eek:

 

I say this with love.

[Rose1977]

Goddammit Lexi's Aunt!

 

He does not want to hear that you love him, he does not want to see you in new clothes, he doesn't want to shower with you.

 

Why? Because it shows him the ****ty things he did everyday and he wants to escape the guilt and shame while justifying to himself why he did these things in the first place!

 

You are a walking reminder of what an ******* he is! As long as he feels like an ******* at home, he won't go within 10 feet of you.

 

It's pretty clear that you aren't going to toss his ass out the door. So fine....

 

You need to show him that you are the queen of your home and your life.

 

If your identity is so damn dependent on him, then show him your best. Are you a queen or a beggar?

 

Men work on supply and demand, supply yourself less and it will increase demand.

 

He is still in the house because he feels like you need him, he gets no chance to miss you or evaluate what he really wants to do. The biggest favor you could do for him is make yourself very happy, increase your confidence, hit the gym and don't be so ****ing available all of the time. And hey, you may recover your mental health as well!

 

Lexi's Aunt, if you keep this up even another couple of weeks, prepare to LOSE and for NOTHING. Don't just sit there and cry because you read this. Enough crying. You are FIRED FROM CRYING. That's it, pack up your kleenex box, you are DONE CRYING! FIRED FROM GUILT TRIPS TOO!

 

You are also fired from SPYING ON YOUR HUSBAND. Three reasons: 1. You aren't very good at it, maybe you are better at hairstyles or something. 2. You are NOT just a SPECTATOR in his life. 3. You are not the PENIS POLICE! IF HE IS GOING TO PUT IT IN HER, THEN HE IS GOING TO FIND A WAY TO DO IT! You have a household kingdom to run, GET TO IT!

 

I say this with love.

 

 

What she said. LOL, DOT is better at tough love than I am. You have got to pick yourself up! You have to. Plenty of people have been thru this and survived. My grandmother lost my grandfather and swore she wanted to die. We dragged her out, taught her to drive, taught her how to use a bank and write checks. She lived another wonderful 20 years and died with more friends than you could count and involved in so many activities, I couldn't even keep up with her. Women all over the world do it for a variety of reasons. You can and will do this. If he is leaving, he is leaving. Show your strength. And watch Waiting to Exhale :-) Just don't burn all his s%%% it might be a felony where you live. Get out there and LIVE LIFE!!!!!!

 

I also say this with love. I have walked in your shoes, as has DOT, as have most of us here. We know you can do it because we did it too.