Husband of 20 years cheated and is leaving

[whathesaid]

I am sorry for your pain.

 

But as a married man in love with his OW I feel compelled to reply.

 

Believe him when he says he does not love you anymore. To hold on to hope that if you get her out of the way he will somehow start to love you again is counterproductive for your healing.

 

No amount of 180 can make me love my wife again. If my OW were to leave my life today I will spend forever loving and missing her but it would not throw me back into the arms of my wife. I have been unhappy and empty for too long to turn back. I know what I want and I am going to get it, with or without my OW by my side.

 

I would suggest you seek medical advice about your depression and enlist the help of a good friend to come and stay with you for awhile and then ask him to leave. The sooner he is gone the sooner you can start to heal.

[BB07]

OH Lexi's Aunt........your post breaks my heart. Please read and read again Seren's post and BentNotBroken's response to you. There is a lot of wisdom there.

 

Girl........get mad as hell at your husband, and get your dignity and self respect back and stop begging him and saying you forgive him. You haven't and you shouldn't, you are just scared out of your mind right now and don't want to let him go. The truth is........he is gone. Will he come back, no one here can know that, but acceptance that he is gone will make you stronger and it will make you damn angry and you should be. Get mad........then you can start doing the 180 and start taking care of you. You can live without this man and yes you can be OK in time, but you have to start now, looking out for you. You will survive this! It won't be easy but you are stronger than you know and you are just pushing him farther away with the crying and begging.

 

Hugs........big hugs and YES you can survive this!

[WorldIsYours]

I am sorry for your pain.

 

But as a married man in love with his OW I feel compelled to reply.

 

Mmmm hmmm.

 

Believe him when he says he does not love you anymore. To hold on to hope that if you get her out of the way he will somehow start to love you again is counterproductive for your healing.

 

You're right. When cheaters cheat and says those hurtful words, best believe they don't love no one but themselves.

 

No amount of 180 can make me love my wife again.

 

Exactly. No one can do that for you. You're responsible for your own actions.

 

If my OW were to leave my life today I will spend forever loving and missing her but it would not throw me back into the arms of my wife. I have been unhappy and empty for too long to turn back.

 

And that is good news. Your wife doesn't deserve to be with someone who cheats and doesn't love her, no offense.

 

I know what I want and I am going to get it, with or without my OW by my side.

 

Yes you've demonstrated that quite clearly from cheating.

 

I would suggest you seek medical advice about your depression and enlist the help of a good friend to come and stay with you for awhile and then ask him to leave. The sooner he is gone the sooner you can start to heal.

 

Agreed.

[WorldIsYours]

Or someone else, but certainly not the person they say those words to.

 

But they don't love the other person they're cheating with.

 

You are correct, brother. I am responsible for my actions and I fully accept the responsibility which is why I explained that her action or inaction is unlikely to change anything.

 

Exactly because cheaters are unremorseful.

 

You are again correct. She and I both deserve better than what we have which is why I told her that I was in love with someone else before I acted upon my feelings in a physical way. Her choice in how to act upon that information is directly causal to my choice of reaction.

 

You told her that, which wasn't true, and just because you told her that before you got "freaky wit it" doesn't mean it's not cheating.

 

I think we all seek what we want at all times in our lives. I am certain that if your marriage was not something you wanted, then likely you would change the situation.

 

Correct. I did change the situation drastically. But it didn't involve cheating.

 

You choose to be married because it is what you want just as I choose to stay married in the now because it is what I want, though our reasons for doing so may be diametrically opposed. Yet we are both getting what we want. Seems logical to me.

 

I choose to be married because I wanted a faithful partner, not an unfaithful one. And our reasons are different, but your wants is taking a universal toll on you and everyone you claim to love because of your straying and staying in a relationship with someone you don't even love. Doesn't come close to logical.

 

Glad we could agree on so much, brother.

 

Yessir.

[KikiW]

Even if he stopped talking to this one, chances are he's done it before, and would do it again.

 

You need to look at his actions from outside yourself. He's lied and cheated and has no remorse for it. You love him because you've been loving him for so long, it's your comfort zone and you want that back. The problem is, your comfort zone was a sham. Whether you put the blinders on, he was that good of a liar, or a little of both, it will never be the way you thought it was.

 

Say he says he'll come back to you - do you really think you could trust him again? Every time he picks up his phone or goes onto his computer, you will get that knot in your stomach. Is he calling her? Is he emailing someone new? Do you think you could live that way for weeks, months, years, the rest of your life?

 

No, sweetie, you need to pull yourself together now. You need to protect your assets. You need to gather your family's support. You need to decide whether you want the house or if it will be too much of a reminder - if you don't want it - it must be SOLD unless he can buy you out completely (please trust me on this, dealing with my husband's ex ruining his credit because she dragged her feet and didn't refinance like she was ordered to).

 

You need to pack up heirlooms and store them somewhere else. You need to make sure your checking/saving accounts are separate from him. And you need to get legal advice - look for the best you can afford, nothing beats a fantastic attorney and the good ones are worth every penny.

 

I recommend being careful when confiding in friends. I have seen that backfire. Exposing is one thing, but just be careful exposing too much of your heart. Sometimes your friends aren't who you thought as well.

 

Get yourself a therapist to help you sort through things and give you guidance. This will not be easy, but you can do it. And nothing will show your husband just what he lost than by becoming the strong, indepedant woman you know you are. And by then it will be too late - even if he came crawling back, you will have seen through your pain just what kind of person he really is and you will never want him back in your life.

[Eve]

Girl, you need to clean your house from top to bottom and not let him back in.

 

It's over.

 

All this wailing is making you look silly. Where is your pride?

 

I think your husband really is concerned that you are going to do something to yourself and is trying to be honourable when he knows he needs to be elsewhere.

 

It doesn't matter if it works out with his lover or not. What matters is that he has breached your trust and wants to leave.

 

You have no right to keep him hostage with your tears.

 

Let him go.

 

Gosh woman!

 

Seriously, WTF?

 

A much as I adore my Hubby, I would let him go. He'd leave with a black eye though, lol.

 

Girl, fix yourself up. You need to go shopping and spend time with your girlfriends and those who love you. Eventually even, when you stop the crying, maybe you will even get to fall in love again... AND it will be better.

 

My Hubby went through something similar and got me.

 

Seriously if you don't change shortly, something is up with you. Go to see your Doctor for some happy pills in case this really is one of those true heartbreak cases that can kill a person. Seriously.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[TigerCub]

Even if he stopped talking to this one, chances are he's done it before, and would do it again.

 

You need to look at his actions from outside yourself. He's lied and cheated and has no remorse for it. You love him because you've been loving him for so long, it's your comfort zone and you want that back. The problem is, your comfort zone was a sham. Whether you put the blinders on, he was that good of a liar, or a little of both, it will never be the way you thought it was.

 

Say he says he'll come back to you - do you really think you could trust him again? Every time he picks up his phone or goes onto his computer, you will get that knot in your stomach. Is he calling her? Is he emailing someone new? Do you think you could live that way for weeks, months, years, the rest of your life?

 

No, sweetie, you need to pull yourself together now. You need to protect your assets. You need to gather your family's support. You need to decide whether you want the house or if it will be too much of a reminder - if you don't want it - it must be SOLD unless he can buy you out completely (please trust me on this, dealing with my husband's ex ruining his credit because she dragged her feet and didn't refinance like she was ordered to).

 

You need to pack up heirlooms and store them somewhere else. You need to make sure your checking/saving accounts are separate from him. And you need to get legal advice - look for the best you can afford, nothing beats a fantastic attorney and the good ones are worth every penny.

 

I recommend being careful when confiding in friends. I have seen that backfire. Exposing is one thing, but just be careful exposing too much of your heart. Sometimes your friends aren't who you thought as well.

 

Get yourself a therapist to help you sort through things and give you guidance. This will not be easy, but you can do it. And nothing will show your husband just what he lost than by becoming the strong, indepedant woman you know you are. And by then it will be too late - even if he came crawling back, you will have seen through your pain just what kind of person he really is and you will never want him back in your life.

 

Best advice Ever!

Op please take note of this, and please please, stop with the begging and pleading. You're stronger than this.

 

Hold your head high and maintain your dignity, no matter how much it hurts to let him go - in time you will see that it was for the best.

[lexi29]

Thank you to everybody. I know I should move on, kick him out but I just can't handle that right now. I thought that maybe since he's no longer talking to HER that things would turn around and change. To the man who said he's in love with his other woman and would never love his wife again- I hope you are not HER pretending to be someoene giving me advice!!! How can you honestly say you could never love your wife again and would spend your life missing someone else? Can I ask you if you cheated more than once? I ask because SHE told me that she is not the first time. That my husband met someone else about ten years ago. I did find emails at that time where he was saying he loved this other girl but he said it was just a friend thing and that nothing physical happened. I even called the girl and she said the same thing. I just NEVEr thought he could do this to me. Do you think he was unfaithful before?

 

I don't understand if he wanted to be with her so bad then why did he come back after leaving for one day? Why didn't he just stay with her? Also I don't know if they are still talking or not. I HATE her. She is a slut and if she would not have tempted my husband we might be ok today. I know he is to blame to but right now I just can't be angry at him. I don't want to lose the life we have. I know I should kick him out or leave but I am too lonely by myself and being alone scares me to death. But it is so hard to see him every day and he refuses to kiss me, hold me, tell me he loves me. I know I have to stop crying but everytime I think of my life without him I can't stop.

 

So no one thinks there is any hope that he will change his mind? WHY did he stop talking to her then? Or did he stop talking to her? Is he hiding it? WHY does he stay if he doesn't want to be with me????

[TigerCub]

I don't understand if he wanted to be with her so bad then why did he come back after leaving for one day? Why didn't he just stay with her? Also I don't know if they are still talking or not. I HATE her. She is a slut and if she would not have tempted my husband we might be ok today. I know he is to blame to but right now I just can't be angry at him.

Sweetie, she didn't lure him (I'm not saying this in her defense), but if there have been others, they didn't all lure him - he went out knowing what he was doing, he said the right things, did what he knew how to do and got involved with these women.

 

I'm not saying she isn't at fault here, she is - but HE is the one that betrayed you.

 

I understand that you don't want to be angry at him, but I think that once you get to that anger phase, you will get the strength to do what's best for you.

 

I don't want to lose the life we have. I know I should kick him out or leave but I am too lonely by myself and being alone scares me to death.

Reading that makes me so sad.

I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain and that you're facing so much uncertainty on top of dealing with being betrayed. I'm really truly sorry that you're going through all this.

 

So no one thinks there is any hope that he will change his mind? WHY did he stop talking to her then? Or did he stop talking to her? Is he hiding it? WHY does he stay if he doesn't want to be with me????

I'm a fOW, but I'm guessing that if he stopped talking to her, its probably because she stopped talking to him.

 

You say that he left for one day - chances are she sent him back to you to deal with everything and either end it or just stay with you.

 

If she truly loves him and wants to be with him (sorry, if its painful to hear that), but if that is the case, then she would want him to completely end it, instead of just going back and forth.

Again, I'm sorry if hearing that makes you sad, I'm just telling you my guess.

 

As for your question of why does he stay if he doesn't want to be with you? Only he really knows the truth to that.

I'm guessing he has worries that you might do something to hurt yourself.

He's probably feeling guilt at how such a long M can end on such a terrible note.

He could also very well be doubtful about what his next move should be and where he really should be.

 

I honestly don't know - I'm guessing former WS would be able to give you a better answer.

 

Again, I'm really sorry for all your pain. I'm sure that it will take time to digest all this info and really understand all the changes.

 

But please, don't beg him anymore, no matter how it turns out.

 

**HUGS**

[Snowflower]

Mmmm hmmm.

 

 

 

You're right. When cheaters cheat and says those hurtful words, best believe they don't love no one but themselves.

 

 

 

Exactly. No one can do that for you. You're responsible for your own actions.

 

 

 

And that is good news. Your wife doesn't deserve to be with someone who cheats and doesn't love her, no offense.

 

 

 

Yes you've demonstrated that quite clearly from cheating.

 

 

 

Agreed.

 

First of all, gentlemen, can you please save the debate for another thread? I think the OP of this thread needs a lot of support so please don't threadjack.

 

OP, I'm pretty worried about you. Are you reading and thinking about any of the responses that you are getting here? A lot of them are saying the same thing: you need to quit pleading with your H to stay with you. You need to figure out how to go on.

 

Look, I remember feeling the same way that you did. I think most BS can relate. It's normal. However, at some point you need to pick yourself up and look at the reality of the situation.

 

You can't love your husband back into the marriage. He is going to do what he is going to do. As you know, you can't control another person. What you can control is YOU. You can control how you react to this situation and you can watch out for yourself.

 

You asked if turning indifferent toward your H would just drive him into her arms. Don't think of pulling away from your H like that as a manipulation tactic. You need to disengage in order to save yourself. I think you can say to your H that you still love him and care for him but that you need to think about yourself now and figure out what you are going to do with your future since he says he is going to no longer be married to you.

 

You need to take your H at his word. He says he no longer loves you and wants to be with the OW. You can't stop him from doing this nor should you try.

 

Also, direct your anger at the OW toward your H. He is the one who is telling you he doesn't love you and no longer wants to be married, not her. While anger at the OW is perfectly normal, you need to direct it at him...because he is the one who did you wrong. Please understand this.

 

I'm worried about you. Please find a good therapist to talk to. Do this today. And then...call a divorce attorney. I know you don't want to think about divorcing the man you love but you need to protect yourself. Many attorneys will do an initial consultation for free or for a nominal fee. You need to know where you stand legally and financially, especially if you have assets/property and/or children together.

 

I've been where you are. You will survive this, I promise. Get strong!

 

Please make these calls today. (((hugs)))

[WorldIsYours]

First of all, gentlemen, can you please save the debate for another thread? I think the OP of this thread needs a lot of support so please don't threadjack.

 

I gave her support.

 

OP, I'm pretty worried about you. Are you reading and thinking about any of the responses that you are getting here? A lot of them are saying the same thing: you need to quit pleading with your H to stay with you. You need to figure out how to go on.

 

Look, I remember feeling the same way that you did. I think most BS can relate. It's normal. However, at some point you need to pick yourself up and look at the reality of the situation.

 

You can't love your husband back into the marriage. He is going to do what he is going to do. As you know, you can't control another person. What you can control is YOU. You can control how you react to this situation and you can watch out for yourself.

 

You asked if turning indifferent toward your H would just drive him into her arms. Don't think of pulling away from your H like that as a manipulation tactic. You need to disengage in order to save yourself. I think you can say to your H that you still love him and care for him but that you need to think about yourself now and figure out what you are going to do with your future since he says he is going to no longer be married to you.

 

You need to take your H at his word. He says he no longer loves you and wants to be with the OW. You can't stop him from doing this nor should you try.

 

Also, direct your anger at the OW toward your H. He is the one who is telling you he doesn't love you and no longer wants to be married, not her. While anger at the OW is perfectly normal, you need to direct it at him...because he is the one who did you wrong. Please understand this.

 

I'm worried about you. Please find a good therapist to talk to. Do this today. And then...call a divorce attorney. I know you don't want to think about divorcing the man you love but you need to protect yourself. Many attorneys will do an initial consultation for free or for a nominal fee. You need to know where you stand legally and financially, especially if you have assets/property and/or children together.

 

I've been where you are. You will survive this, I promise. Get strong!

 

Please make these calls today. (((hugs)))

 

I agree with this. Divorce is needed for this loser.

[in_absentia]

Hi Lexi,

 

I just wanted to chime in and say I'm sorry to hear your story, you sound like you're going through unimaginable pain right now. As many people have stated, you seem to be fighting a lost battle to get your husband back; it's not going to happen, and you would be better spending your efforts on regaining some dignity and starting to try and pick up the pieces and move on with your life. This w*nker doesn't deserve you (or any faithful, loving partner) and once this fog of desparation and sadness has lifted (and it will) you will see that. But right now you're hurting too much.

 

I mainly wanted to mention I noticed that you have said you feel suicidal at times. This is a serious issue and I urge you to go to your doctors asap and explain to them what's happened and how you can't cope and are thinking of ending your life. There is no shame in feeling this way but you need help with this, whether it's to be given counselling/therapy or anti-depressants to get through the worst of it. Please don't take it lightly that you're having these thoughts, it sounds like you've never had them before and nobody here, and nobody who knows and loves you in real life wants you to struggle alone with them and risk acting on them if things take a turn for a worse or it all gets too much for you.

 

In the short term, please call the Samaritans or the Befrienders, you can find their numbers with a quick internet search (depending on your country). You can talk to someone who cares about your pain in confidence who will not judge you and will give you the space to get things off your chest and discuss what options you have. Most of all it's a friendly voice and I think you really need that right now.

 

Please recognise that you have support here and make use of the support you have from friends and family.

 

Hugs.

[worlybear]

Lexi29 I am so sorry for your pain.

You are in the depths of hell at the moment and I truly remember what that feels like.

Go to the doctors for some counselling/therapy/meds as you will need to sleep sometime or you will spiral downwards into exhaustion.

I found that listening to "stress relief" CDS helped me.

He needs to leave.

You need space,time and distance between you.

Don't be afraid- you are trying desperately to hang on to the cliff by your fingernails but the cliff has already gone and you are in free-fall.

He wants out and no matter how much you cry, he's already checked out of your relationship.

I hear your despair- your post echoes my 1st post (27 yrs married)- the hurt, the lies, the dis-belief.

I truly thought I would die and wanted to.

But.... it passes.

If it did for me- it will for you.

You are currently holding on to an illusion. He is not the man you thought he was.

And the time will come when you will see he has "feet of clay."

Do not dwell on feeling humiliated- he is the one who cheated, he should be the one who feels the public heat.

Stand tall and walk proud - be dignified.

Tell him he must leave!

Get your finances sorted as of yesterday.

Do not trust any verbal financial promises he makes (they will not be upheld)- protect yourself.

And, for the record.... I agree entirely with your anger towards the OW.

She is equally culpable for your grief but made a decision to knowingly hurt another person.

But so did your husband......

Take care and keep posting.

Here for you.

Hugs:bunny::bunny:

[Carrot2000]

I know I should kick him out or leave but I am too lonely by myself and being alone scares me to death. But it is so hard to see him every day and he refuses to kiss me, hold me, tell me he loves me. I know I have to stop crying but everytime I think of my life without him I can't stop.

/QUOTE]

 

Lexi, look at how he's treating you; you're already alone in this.

 

No one expects you to get over the loss of a 20-year relationship quickly, but it's not right that you're holding on to this d*ckwad because you've invested 20 years in him. He clearly has no respect for you or the 20 years you've shared with him. It's high time you get angry with him and stop overlooking the fact that he is truly capable of treating you like dirt. You don't deserve his sorry ass or his foul behavior.

 

The next time you find yourself wondering "What will I do without him?", resolve to answer that question with positive things.

 

1. I will sleep peacefully instead of worrying about where he is and what he's doing.

2. I will travel to all of the places I've ever wanted to go, but he wasn't interested in

3. I will go back to school/change my career/get a new hobby

4. I will move to the city/country where I've always dreamed of living

5. I will spend my time with people who make me feel good

6. I will volunteer at an animal shelter/homeless shelter/hospital for sick children so I can help others and get a different perspective on what's important in life

7. I will learn how to bellydance, or start a regular yoga practice

8. I will lead a full and happy life with an abundance of health, wealth and love whether I am with him or not

[Fugu]

Thank you all for your support. Someone said my story was posted on another forum from HER point of view. It makes me sick that she might be using this web site as well. I am using my niece's account and she's in her mid twenties and the b*tch that slept with my husband is 30 I believe so she could be on here too. The thought makes me ill. This weekend was a nightmare. I had to work most of it but that didn't help. I just wondered if he was sneaking around with her. Every time he picks up his lap top I start crying because I think he is contacting her. There has been no phone activity between the two of them for a week. I don't know why he went from telling me there is no way I can stop them from talking to not talking to her. This gives me hope. But what kills that hope is that he STILL isn't acting any differently toward me. He will fix me something to eat (I don't want to eat) or things like that but he refuses to touch me or let me anywhere near him. I tell him I love him, that I will do anything to work this out. I try to bring up old memories of happy times and he just gets MAD.

 

I know everyone is saying to STOP crying and stop trying to win him back. But I'm terrified if I act disinterested that he will just run to HER and forget all about me. I can not comprehend how he can just throw 20 years away!!! I asked him if he thinks we will ever get back together, like we might meet up in the future and work things out and he just looked at me sadly and shook his head and said NO.

If he could have everything he's ever wanted with me, if I am willing to do anything he asks, I've already forgiven him for HER. I don't even care that he cheated. I just want him back. If I am willing to do ALL of that? Why in the world won't he give our marriage a chance?

 

If the sl*t that ruined my marriage was totally gone- wouldn't contact him at all anymore and he knew he couldn't have her- would he give me a chance? He told me he doesn't even know if she wants anything to do with him, but if that were the case I would think he would be upset. She tried to get him to come back to me and it lasted ONE day and all he did was mope around and when I asked him what was wrong he told me he missed HER. He isn't moping now. He seems normal, almost cheerful until I speak to him, then he gets mad or frustrated. I don't know how they could still be talking because it doesn't show up on his phone but he doesn't seem upset.

 

How can someone he's only known for 4 months be more important than our 20 years of history? He tells me that he was unhappy for years but he never talked to me about it. I told him I thought things were normal because thats just how "we" were. I told him I realized I took him for granted and never will again. I can't stop crying. I know I need to. But I just want my old life back. I don't know how to function without him.

 

Affairs are complex things. They rarely 'just happen'; it's usually something that happens over a long period of time, a process of first pulling away, and then either consciously or subconsciously seeking out something that helps fill a void, and then finally, the affair itself. It sounds like he had been doing the first two things for quite some time but you were not aware of it -- not your fault, either. You trusted him and had no reason not to.

 

I think that, for now, you first need to ask yourself, what do you want in a partner. What do you think you deserve? What kinds of relationships can you accept? What kinds of behaviors can you accept? What do you want out of the rest of your life? Start there.

 

Once you answer those questions, you'll know where your husband fits into all of this. You'll know if giving him a second chance is something you even want to consider. It might seem like the natural reaction now, but once you've had time to think, you might end up thinking it's stupid to go back to someone who's lied to you for so long.

 

Think about it. Come back here and post if you must. The one thing you should try to avoid is turning this into some sort of ego battle between you and the other woman. This isn't a contest that you win or lose. He is not the "prize." If you think of him that way you just feed his already bloated ego even more -- unnecessarily. Keep this a matter between you and your husband. Focus on whether or not he is fit to be your husband. Frame it that way.

 

Good luck.

[seren]

Hi Lexi, How are things now? I have been thinking about you and your situation. My thoughts have been around your wishing he would stay and that your marriage could get back to what it was and that your H could be the man you have loved and known for 20 years. It has struck me that even if he were to stay, the reality is that, he would very soon be off again. Could you trust him with your heart again? trust is so important when reconciling.

I say this having gone through the dammed hard work of reconciliation with a very remorseful and much changed husband and much changed marriage, all for the better if I am honest. But I still miss the absolute faith in what I thought our marriage for all those years was. I still find myself thinking that it wasn't what I thought and that makes me quite sad.

 

The reason I say this is that IF he were to stay, IF you both were to agree to work on it, at some point, when the dust doesn't swirl so badly, you would look at him and think Who Are You? you would never forget that he has done this in such a cold, unfeeling manner and you would remember that despite your pleading and showing him your pain and hurt, that he chose to not offer you comfort - not even for the memories of those 20 years. Then you would resent him and possibly even yourself. I am so sorry Lexi for the pain you are feeling at this moment, words cannot express pain clearly, but it comes through your writing.

 

I journalled like crazy, I wrote all my feelings out, about the A, about me about H. I found it the other day, it describes the early days after the A, spanned a 12 month period and I read how I went from despair and total lack of self esteem to hurt, anger, denial, name the emotion and it is all there. I shredded it and the reason I was able to do this is because my H and I have worked together to begin a new relationship, which relied on us both committing to our marriage. I don't think your H is going to do this, I am sorry.

 

It is easy for us anonymous people to say this, to say that you should kick him out, stop pleading, we are detached, BUT most of us have been through the pain of an A and while we can empathise and understanding the emotions, we aren't you and you might be thinking that no one understands, no one has felt such pain or dealt with it the way in which you are. I can assure you that most of us have felt these emotions. At some point I so hope you direct that anger you have for the OW full on back onto your H. Get angry, get demanding, but for you and your rights and feelings as a woman who believed. Get help and support, emotional and financial, have a plan, try to hold it together long enough to sit down with H and discuss the next moves. When the talk is over, drive somewhere and let it out, but he is just not feeling your pain. It's like he has put a shell around the part of his heart that is you, it doesn't sound like he is letting that out, to do so, means he has to look at his actions and who he is.

 

I agree with the anti depressants, I took them as I couldn't function properly after the A. They were for the short term to deal with the reactive depression most people feel when they have been hurt.

 

Sorry this has turned into War and Peace, but your post just lingered in my head. I hope you post often, vent often and that you have found some semblance of peace. Take very good care Lexi. Seren x

Edited March 16, 2011 by seren
added a bit, as if it wasn't long enough!

[OpenBook]

WHY does he stay if he doesn't want to be with me????

 

He may be protecting his assets? The one who leaves the family home is the one who "abandons the marriage" in a divorce settlement, and thus loses the assets. It depends on the laws in your state or jurisdiction. That's why it's crucial to consult with an attorney before you do anything. You need somebody powerful on your side. I am so sorry you're going through this.

[KikiW]

It is frightening to be alone sometimes - but come on sweetie, you KNOW that's just an excuse. You have family you can spend time with, I am sure you have at least one friend. Give them the heads up that you will be needing company. Then be with them. Just watch TV, cook them a meal... that sort of thing.

 

When I left my marital home, I was petrified. I hadn't been alone for almost 20 years. And it was an odd feeling. I had my cats, which helped fill the apartment with other living energies, but I quickly learned I was perfectly capable of handling things ALONE. I learned how much I actually liked it - I didn't have to pick up after someone else, I didn't have to cook anyone else food. I took care of MYSELF (and my daughter, when she was there). As strange as it sounds, as much as I was looking forward to my now-husband moving in, I knew I would miss some of that alone time

 

Your husband stays for many reasons - he may feel guilty on some level, he may honestly want to make sure you won't hurt yourself, or he may be staying because his little sweetie on the side decided he wasn't the kind of guy she wanted.

 

But don't be THAT woman. You know who I am talking about. The woman who threatens to hurt herself if he leaves. You have GOT to pick yourself up here and get your head on straight. You have GOT to take control of the things you CAN take control of, and the fate of your marriage isn't really one of them. It takes two for that, and he's apparently not interested. He rejects your advances, and cringes at your tears. That will not change - people don't look at sobbing, desperate women and think "ooh that's sexy, I can't believe what I was about to walk away from!" So wipe them up, reject HIM, and take care of YOURSELF.

 

Like I said before, and others have advised, get yourself a therapist - they will HELP you get through this. They will let you cry all you want, be angry, ask the questions, but they will also guide you out of the maelstrom you are swimming in and get yourself on track.

 

DO NOT WALLOW IN THIS. IT WILL NOT HELP YOU GET HIM BACK, NOR WILL IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

[KikiW]

And I agree with others... The other woman is receiving your anger, but while she is certainly not blameless, you need to remember it takes two to tango. She did not cast a spell on him, making him completely helpless. She did not slip him a roofie. She did not hold a gun to his head.

 

He is a grown man who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions, and he DECIDED to have an AFFAIR. She said he'd done it before? Do you think she really has a reason to lie about that? I mean, she's rejected him, so it's not like she lied in order to get you to toss him out so she could have him. Dollars to doughnuts she actually told you the truth.

 

Which means he has a history of it, and chances are he'd do it again.

 

Time to get angry at HIM now, honey. Get thee to a lawyer and PROTECT YOURSELF.

 

And get yourself tested for STDs. Better safe than sorry.

[mbm69]

Lexi, I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

 

You have gotten such great advice here and support already, there is nothing much more I can add.

 

I can see how depressed you are right now and I think you might be in denial. You are going through the grieving process. Anger is part of that process also... and as mentionned before this anger is not necessarily directed towards the right person right now.

 

I have to reiterate that you need psychological support right now. A therapist, a doctor. You might need some anti-depressants as a temporary measure to get you through the extreme sadness. Getting you through that means you will be able to get back some energy that will help you do what you have to do.

 

You need to get mad at your H. He needs to get out of the house. You need to have someone close come stay with you until you feel brave enough to be on your own.

 

But first, get to a doctor/therapist, and contact a lawyer.

 

And know that you will always have support, compassion and understanding at LS.

[yessy21]

OMg. Im sorry. I almost feel like going to ur house and helping u. I want to kick the crap out of him and that bitch! how dare she. shes a liar! and hes just obsessed with her.

 

want to know a secret. He didnt come back because she made him. he came back because he does love u. but hes being selfish. shes new ass.

 

get out of the house. pack only what u need and get rid of everything that reminds u of him. change number. ect... ect... concentrate on urself. and meet people. if he tries to communicate with u hang up on him or tell him to leave u alone.

 

my daughters father he cant spend no more than a month without knowing what im doing or how im doing. and weve been over for two years. he wants u on the backburner as a friend. just in case. shes going to do to him what he did to u. guaranteed. this is just a school boy crush he has not love. but u need to let him go. its over. he can go F*** himself when that slut is gone.

[lexi29]

Thanks again everyone. I am so exhausted. Yesterday he was late coming home and then he started yelling at me saying I'd written a nasty email to HER threatening her and that she was going to get a restraining order against me. I told him I wanted to take him out to dinner and he'd ruined everything. I started crying again and he was accusing of me other stuff like going thru his car. I finally asked him why he is staying if he doesn't want to act like my husband. He said he thought we could live together until I felt better about things and wasn't devastated and then he would move on. He said he's afraid for me. I asked him why he doesn't love me and he said he does love me still it just is a different type of love and that it isn't activated. like its on pause or something- that last part is my words not his that its on pause. I was crying but I was mad too. I DON'T understand why he would rather be alone than try to work things out with me. He said he just doesn't see our marriage ever working out and doesn't want to try anything. He said we can be friends and he will always be there for me, anything that I need. Again he sugggested that I will feel better if I find someone else.

 

How can my own husband want me to be with another man?? I told him I could have someone else right now but I want HIM. I asked about HER. he said they only saw eachother once this week and it was in a parking lot somewhere. He said he's not leaving because he has someone else. I started crying and screaming at him then why is he leaving me? What can possibly be so bad that he just wants to leave? He then got mean and said fine I'm leaving you for someone else is that what you want to hear? He said it like he was being sarcastic. He said he's trying to make this easier on me. But how is REFUSING to work on things easier?? I finally told him (still crying but mad) that if he wants to stay in our house he needs to act like my husband not like a stranger. Gave him an ultimatum. That he can work on the marriage and stay here or he can get the hell out and go be with her. I know HE wants to be the one to stay in the house with our dogs so I thought he would NOT want to leave. But he didn't say more than two words to try to talk me out of it. he looked me straight in the eye and told me he doesn't want to work things out. Then he walked out the door (didn't take any clothes or anything) I'm sure he went to HER house. I haven't heard from him all day. I cried and begged him not to go. I know I shouldn't have. But... I thought he would stay.

 

He didn't take any clothes yet so that is a good sign. I threatened to sell the house, to get rid of his stuff, to never let him see our dogs. And he still walked out. WHY????? I couldn't even sleep last night. I keep thinking he will be back today and change his mind. He didn't take any of his stuff so that is a good sign right? Do you think he will get sick of her (if that is where he went) and realize what he has at home? I told him I don't want our old marriage back because obviously something was wrong and it wasn't good. But that we can have a great new one. Why is he so hung up on leaving?

[donnamaybe]

Oh, honey, you have got to stop trying to overthink every little thing he does or doesn't do. It sounds over. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's what I feel when I read your posts. Remember - the truth shall set you free. You don't want a "mercy husband." You want a man who wants you completely, and you can have that. Be strong now and take charge of what you can do to salvage your life. Don't be kind during the divorce. That doesn't have to mean you go at him tooth and nail, but don't be concerned with how he feels when it comes to fighting for yourself in terms of the home, kids, finances, etc. This is down to you taking care of you. You can do it!

 

Have a good cry, then get up and put on the boxing gloves. Change the locks on the house - immediately. Get a good lawyer. You owe it to yourself to do everything in your power to prepare your future.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you'll get past it. Once you are, you'll wonder why you were so upset at the onset. Truly.

[yessy21]

No nO no no... ur not listening. change the locks or leave it all behind, he doesnt want to be with u. thats all. point blank. stop begging. hes a dumb Fu**.

[jthorne]

I certainly don't blame the OP for wanting to save her marriage, but I will be really really really happy the day she finally realizes what a COWARD her H is.

 

Staying till she feels better? Coward!

Wanting her to find someone else? Coward!

 

Something that hasn't been discussed, but has occurred to me- it doesn't matter if things work out with this OW. At this point, he's suffered no consequences for cheating. None. He's basically been rewarded for bad behavior. So, even if things don't work out with OW and he comes back, cheating will most likely always be an option for him.