StarChick Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Lawyer up, lexi's aunt. Know your rights. Just consulting with someone may give you a feeling of power when you feel so helpless and lost. I'm so sorry you're going through this. P.S. I hope you get a shark for an attorney. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 All I can say is "Don't". Don't let your husband define you. Don't spend all of your energy trying to fix him. Don't convince yourself that there's something you did that was wrong. Don't think you can change anything. Don't think that he is all there is, because he's not. You have you, and that's more important than you know right now. Don't beg Don't cry Don't threaten Don't be there for him Don't expect him to be there for you Don't ask him to hold you Don't ask him to do ANYTHING for you Don't tell him you'll do ANYTHING to fix the marriage (the reality is that you won't - no one would) I feel so terribly bad for you, and wish I had the words to tell you how to make this all go away. But I don't. Please DO this, though. Find a counselor and find one quickly. You need more than this board to help you through this. And DO either get him out of the house, or get out of the house yourself. You should not be spending any time around him as it is not good for you. Hugs to you. You really will get through this. It only feels right now like you can't. Link to post Share on other sites
mbm69 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 I tend to agree with the others that the marriage is over. But I also understand that OP is probably in denial or is in the bargaining phase of grieving. But Lexi, even though I think the chances are pretty nil of reconciling, I think if you are HOPING for reconciliation, you are going about it all wrong. This quote came to mind: “If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.” You have been begging, pleading, crying, etc... Is it working??? Nope it isn't. Change your strategy... the 180 like everyone has been telling you about. If there is ANY hope of recovery, that is how it's going to have to work. And, if it doesn't work (which in this case it probably won't), at least it will help with YOUR process of moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Linda9999 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 I threatened to sell the house, to get rid of his stuff, to never let him see our dogs. And he still walked out. WHY????? Because he KNOWS you won't follow through. You need to grow a set of balls and quit blubbering at him. Seriously. Until you do, he is just going to keep doing the things he's doing. PLEASE. move on. Link to post Share on other sites
trios Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Lexi, I know it hurts I am going thru a similiar pain at this moment...I thought about begging and asking him back....I have to fight with myself not to do this....I realized He just doesnt want me anymore....I was not worth it to him....So i must let go....its hard...but it has to be done....You can and will make it....I just got a book called the BOUNCE BACK book by Karen Salmansohn just started reading it and it is really good....I know you can make it....The old saying is true...Time heals all wounds...you might not want to hear that right now....but it will be ok...in the mean time we can hurt together...Best wishes Lexi and I Know we will both pull thru this..... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 He is acting this way because he needs to justify everything to himself and you are helping every step of the way. I did it too, it doesn't work. He is leaving you because he wants to, because when he is with her, he doesn't have to deal with marital conflict and your emotional state. If you honestly want to make it all the more appealing to him, remove both. And yes, he will test the **** out of you. Contact divorce busters asap and speak with a coach. You are in a highly agitated state right now and aren't acting in ways that will be constructive or solve anything. It is clear that for whatever reason you are not ready to let go of this relationship. That's your business, but if you want it to work, you have to do things that are going to work. Right now the King of ******* Land is just going to sit back and say to himself: see she's crazy, she should want me to leave and be kicking me out and now I have to take care if her at my own expense. If he is going, you don't want to be that woman, if he is staying you don't want to be that woman either. You want to portray yourself as a woman with options that is not dependent on his choices. That will, oddly enough, be a much bigger attention-getter. It will also be scarier for him to lose a confident spouse that he spent 20 years with then a nervous wreck that he wants to get away from. Get yourself moving in a direction that doesn't involve him for now. He may act all cold-hearted and ****, but these married guys in affairs don't have a plan. That's why they can't pick between A and B to begin with. Right now he has all of the power cards and you both know it. He knows he's got OW on ice with his "good intentions" and he's got you on ice in case he decides to "work it out." Appear to take away Option B, it reduces his power over the situation. I have a feeling that you come from a background of abandonment like I do, being left freaks us out more then anything else that can happen in a relationship. My husband disappeared 3 times. You know what? The last two times weren't half as bad as I thought after a few days. Unplug the damn phone from the wall if you have to. Let him know what losing you is like, you have more power in this then you realize. Men are never as emotionally prepared to lose a mate as they think they are. There are needs that we take care of that they don't notice until we stop taking care if them, then they try to press those needs on OW and ka-boom. Take back your relational power, and seriously speak to one if the coaches. They are great! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 By the way Lexi, he hadn't filed for D yet has he? If not, he isn't solid, he's all talk. Don't push him to it but I heard a lot more separation talk and drivel from my husband, he's even left, but when it comes down to the wire they tend to act like this because they are overwhelmed and figure the marriage is ****ed anyways. Don't tell your h otherwise. Just realize that you have as much time as you want and he is going to feel like such a ****ing moron, especially when he loses both women. I am telling you that unless his stuff is gone and you have D papers in the mail, you still have a chance to pull it together if you straighten yourself out first (despite the deep limbic injury that the bonding center of your brain must be experiencing right now). Time is on your side, get some time to yourself, cool down, treat yourself nice and put him on ice for awhile. My guess I'd that you've been taking care of this guy for 20 years and that is a huge investment. If he is cheating then he isn't regulating his own emotional needs properly and he us around you still because there is still something emotionally dependent going on with him. If it was all about "not hurting you" he would not be around to torment you like this, he would be back trying to work on his ****, or he would be giving you space to work out your own ****. He's not being ****ing altruistic. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 My M is still quite cloudy with a chance of get the **** out. But it is 150% better then the last six months have been. About ten times the input from my H then before. The investment may be lost and all, and lexi's aunt's marriage may have turned to nothing but diarrhea BUT if she isn't ready or doesn't want to let it go just yet, then either way she may as well hit the gym and work out some other independent things to strengthen her through this one way or the other. I wasn't independent enough to prepare for the collapse so I have been financially cratered by it. I won't make that mistake again! Link to post Share on other sites
Carrot2000 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 I threatened to sell the house, to get rid of his stuff, to never let him see our dogs. And he still walked out. WHY????? Because his freedom is more important to him than his stuff. I'm not trying to be mean when I say that, but your husband has made it clear that he's done with your marriage. No amount of histrionics on your part is going to change his mind. For your own peace of mind, let go! Link to post Share on other sites
kuma Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Lexi, I'm sorry for your pain... His OW told you he's cheated on you in the past. I think you should believe her. He's an unremorseful serial cheater. He's not worth your tears. Please seek support from your family and friends, and go see a therapist. Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Rose1977 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Lexi, once again, I am so sorry for what you are going through. You DO have some power here, and it has to be your choice to exert it. Right now you need to kick him out. You have to. He is playing games because he can and it is affecting your health and ability to think clearly. Tell him you want him out, pack his stuff and send him off to her. Then file for D. That is the only way to make this insanity stop. It's going to be heartbreaking. You will cry, you will feel awful, you will feel saddness like you have never felt in your life. And then slowly but surely you will start to feel empowered. YOU NEED TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW. I understand the way you're acting because I did it myself. I know te desperation and fear you feel. No fear - you have to just do it. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and just do it. It makes me sick the games he is playing with you. Once he sees that you are actually doing things to protct yourself and to save your own sanity, he will not know what hit him. Take care of yourself! Join a gym! Kicking the s### out of a bag helped me (and Ilost weight ). Get your hair done, hang out with girlfriends, make new friends, join a book club or a club in your church/synagogue/ or whatever. Keep yourself busy. Take it from those of us that have been there, he will not know what hit him. Right now YOU and YOU ALONE are #1 priority. Crying and screaming is getting you nowhere. Once you have lived through this and survived it, you will find strength you never knew you had. I am thinking of you, as is everyone else here who cares about you. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 I wonder if there is going to be an update? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lexi29 Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 So the update is nothing has changed... He was gone for five days. He came back home when I wasn't around to get some clothes each day I guess and take care of our dogs. But he was gone before I got home and didn't call me or anything. It was so hard to be in our house alone!!! All I can do is cry and miss him. I know he had to be with HER. He came back on saturday night and said he was staying home and that he wanted to take me out to eat the next day because we need to talk. I thought there was HOPE. Thought he'd been gone and realized what he was missing. He took me to breakfast and we talked and he was trying to be nice and to be civil. I asked if he had talked to HER and he said they haven't talked except for once. I asked where he stayed and he just told me to drop it... So we went shopping and to eat and he still never touched me or anything. Just asked what my intentions were. I told him he said I could stay in the house and he would pay the mortgage. He said no not indefinately. He then told me (after we got home) that he plans to stay in the house and I can stay there if I choose but he is NOT going to act like my husband. That we are done. He told me he was going to take a shower and I asked him if he wanted company and he made this disgusted sound and shook his head no and then he wouldnt' even go take a shower. He slept on the couch! I blame everything on HER. IF I could just eliminate HER from the picture he would want me back. He wouldnt' want to be alone. Its not fair that he has someone to fall back on. He actually had the nerve to say to me that when I was crying (I grabbed his hand and wouldn't let go) that when I was holding on to his hand all he could think of is how much he loves HER. He said he doesn't even know if she will have him and that him wanting out isn't her fault. That he wants out even though he doesn't know where he stands with her. I asked him if he's done this before (cheated on me) and he swears up and down he hasn't but back when I found those messages between him and another woman years ago he acted this SAME way. So I don't know what to believe. I told him I think he wants to stay because he has no where else to go. That made him mad. I am so upset because I felt like he tricked me. I thought he wanted to go out to eat to tell me he wanted to work things out, that he came to his senses but nothing has changed. I'm devastated. Link to post Share on other sites
Linda9999 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I am really sorry you are going through all this, but have you read ANY of the advice you've been given in this thread?!?!?! Seriously. It isn't HER fault, it's HIS fault. He has two women after him and he's loving every minute of it. You need to grow a backbone here and STOP 'holding his hand and not letting go' and asking him things like will he shower with you. PLEASE!!!! I can't bear to read any more of this until you do!!! Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I am really sorry you are going through all this, but have you read ANY of the advice you've been given in this thread?!?!?! Seriously. It isn't HER fault, it's HIS fault. He has two women after him and he's loving every minute of it. You need to grow a backbone here and STOP 'holding his hand and not letting go' and asking him things like will he shower with you. PLEASE!!!! I can't bear to read any more of this until you do!!! I agree. Woman you need to start your healing process from that pathetic excuse of a husband and that skanky other woman, and get your life back on track. You keep this up and you'll lose your sanity. This guy is showing you in every possible way he cares nothing about you or his marriage and you need to do the same by cutting this idiot out of your life. Don't even let that trash back into your home. Throw his stuff out and lean on your friends and family. If nothing has changed then you need to do something about it. Don't let this loser take over your mind no more. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 So the update is nothing has changed... He was gone for five days. He came back home when I wasn't around to get some clothes each day I guess and take care of our dogs. But he was gone before I got home and didn't call me or anything. It was so hard to be in our house alone!!! All I can do is cry and miss him. I know he had to be with HER. He came back on saturday night and said he was staying home and that he wanted to take me out to eat the next day because we need to talk. I thought there was HOPE. Thought he'd been gone and realized what he was missing. He took me to breakfast and we talked and he was trying to be nice and to be civil. I asked if he had talked to HER and he said they haven't talked except for once. I asked where he stayed and he just told me to drop it... So we went shopping and to eat and he still never touched me or anything. Just asked what my intentions were. I told him he said I could stay in the house and he would pay the mortgage. He said no not indefinately. He then told me (after we got home) that he plans to stay in the house and I can stay there if I choose but he is NOT going to act like my husband. That we are done. He told me he was going to take a shower and I asked him if he wanted company and he made this disgusted sound and shook his head no and then he wouldnt' even go take a shower. He slept on the couch! I blame everything on HER. IF I could just eliminate HER from the picture he would want me back. He wouldnt' want to be alone. Its not fair that he has someone to fall back on. He actually had the nerve to say to me that when I was crying (I grabbed his hand and wouldn't let go) that when I was holding on to his hand all he could think of is how much he loves HER. He said he doesn't even know if she will have him and that him wanting out isn't her fault. That he wants out even though he doesn't know where he stands with her. I asked him if he's done this before (cheated on me) and he swears up and down he hasn't but back when I found those messages between him and another woman years ago he acted this SAME way. So I don't know what to believe. I told him I think he wants to stay because he has no where else to go. That made him mad. I am so upset because I felt like he tricked me. I thought he wanted to go out to eat to tell me he wanted to work things out, that he came to his senses but nothing has changed. I'm devastated. You shouldn't just blame her. He is the one acting like a donkey to you. He is the one treating you like you aren't a human being with feelings. If you don't find your anger and use it, he is going to destroy you. Fight back...please. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Lexie's Aunt STOP throwing yourself at your Husband. Just Stop. He doesn't want to shower with you. He doesn't want to be with you. He didn't mean it when he said he would let you live in the house while he pays the mortgage. The only reason he came back is because he is hoping to make you miserable enough to just leave and let him have the house and the dogs etc. If you won't protect yourself losing your husband will be the least of your worries. I get it that you love him. I really do. I get it that you are afraid to be without him. But the longer you stay in denial about what is going on in your life and marriage, the more damage you will do to yourself. I am not one who thinks the AP has no blame in the affair. But you are putting ALL the blame on the OW here because you can't face the fact that your husband is a grown man and nobody is putting a gun to his head to make him want to leave you. NOBODY is making him treat you like a subhuman. HE is choosing to tell you the marriage is over. He is choosing to treat you badly. AND you are choosing to allow it. NOTHING will get better for you until you lose the idea that getting rid of OW saves your marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. Getting rid of OW doesn't change the fact that your H doesn't respect you. Nothing will get better for you until you accept that the marriage is over and start to behave like the marriage is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 he has been to a lawyer who has informed him that IF he leaves YOU, he has abandoned you and your entitlement to assets is greater. He would also HAVE to pay maintenance for you and the home as you wind your way to divorce. So he has come home as a "roommate" to torture you with his affair, in the hopes you will leave him! I do not know where you live, and if these laws are true there, but I would: Change the locks next time he goes out. Hire a locksmith. Expose his affair to the world! her too! I would call to meet with a divorce attorney immediately. Forget love! As much as this is devastating you, you need to protect yourself financially! Do you want him to drive you out, give you nothing, and have her move into your home someday? Are you getting angry yet? They have a plan, and it does not include having to give you any money! That is why I believe he has moved back home. He HAS spoke to an attorney who told him to do so! Get going before you are out on the street fercryin'outloud! Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I wanted to add.. For your own well being if you aren't already talking to a trusted confidante about this situation then find some one to talk to IRL ASAP! Talk to a trusted friend. Talk to a religious counselor. Go to IC. Do whatever you need to do to get your bearings. Don't think to yourself that if you can just get your husband to "see" what he is walking away from then you will be ok. He is NOT going to "see". He is not back in the house for your benefit or for the benefit of your marriage. See a lawyer ASAP. Find out what your rights are. Protect Yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
lizwashere Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Ask yourself this - is your husband's behavior and actions those of a person who genuinely loves and respects you? Of course not. Please stop focusing your energies on blaming the other woman and on trying to throw yourself at him and start thinking about your well-being. I totally agree with another poster who said that in all likelihood the only reason he moved back is because he's already consulted a lawyer - you must follow his lead and do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 he has been to a lawyer who has informed him that IF he leaves YOU, he has abandoned you and your entitlement to assets is greater. He would also HAVE to pay maintenance for you and the home as you wind your way to divorce. So he has come home as a "roommate" to torture you with his affair, in the hopes you will leave him! I do not know where you live, and if these laws are true there, but I would: Change the locks next time he goes out. Hire a locksmith. Expose his affair to the world! her too! I would call to meet with a divorce attorney immediately. Forget love! As much as this is devastating you, you need to protect yourself financially! Do you want him to drive you out, give you nothing, and have her move into your home someday? Are you getting angry yet? They have a plan, and it does not include having to give you any money! That is why I believe he has moved back home. He HAS spoke to an attorney who told him to do so! Get going before you are out on the street fercryin'outloud
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