yessy21 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 my brain can't process all of this, my life has become insanity. my husband who pursued me harder then anyone is no more. i am going bankrupt. i have to call an old friend in to work the business. the daughter i was never supposed to have is here and she needs me. my parents babysit for me. i bit someone. i nearly had sex tonight, someone was unclothing themselves in front of me and wanting to have sex with me that wasn't my husband WTF? WTF DID IT ALL GO SO SIDEWAYS why am i here by myself? why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why was is so important to hide a computer and lie and cheat and abandon the family? why why why? why have a family at all? why live that way? he said the only reason we stayed married is so that he wouldn't hurt me. can that be true? can someone do that? can someone only stay married not to hurt someone? Awwww bubas dont be upset..... im sorry... i really am.... dont worry i chased john around with a broom... in the end i laughed. its over and u know what i felt kind of uncomftorable when i tried to have sex with someone else and i was breaking up with him but the second time when i did do it... it was awesome. And please dont have sex with strangers.... u dont know who might carry what. IM here for u.....we all are!
hopesndreams Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 You want him. You don't want him. You love him. You don't love him. You are tolerant of his behaviours, you are not tolerant of his behaviours. You give him ultimatums. You look into ways of him being a better man. You make him choose your way or the highway. You need to make a decision and stick to it. Will he ever be able to change into the man you want him to be? Or, should you just accept you made the wrong choice in being with this porn addicted, cheating piece of scum and make sure he is no longer part of your life. That doesn't mean him not being a part of his child's life.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Yeah... you are going 95% of the way on this man DoT... while its commendable he doesn't really seem willing to go that 5%... he might pull through but don't put all your eggs in one basket. It might be best to just cut the losses on this one. You've already jumped through so many hoops for this man who has treated you so bad...
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 You want him. You don't want him. You love him. You don't love him. You are tolerant of his behaviours, you are not tolerant of his behaviours. You give him ultimatums. You look into ways of him being a better man. You make him choose your way or the highway. You need to make a decision and stick to it. Will he ever be able to change into the man you want him to be? Or, should you just accept you made the wrong choice in being with this porn addicted, cheating piece of scum and make sure he is no longer part of your life. That doesn't mean him not being a part of his child's life. This may not seem to make sense but it actually does: My husband: I love him, Since when have I been tolerant of any of that? I look into ways for him to be a better man The addict: I don't love that I am intolerant of the addictive behaviours I give ultimatums For the last two years things have shifted back and forth slowly between the two polar opposites. At one end the dedication to family and healing, at the other the addictive swill. At first when confronted with the addictive swill I only saw the tip of the iceberg and reacted rather poorly even to that. Now that I have been grappling with this issue for so long and able to understand that brain and body issues that go with it, I have been able to take a bigger step back and see that it is a health issue (with massive repercussions of course). Now knowing the size and scope of the monster that would need to be dealt with, it has clarified things greatly. Also seeing the larger sized weapons that could cut the monster down are very important pieces of information as well. I do plan sometime in the near future to discuss porn addiction and treatment options on a thread here. Now: the missing piece. The man himself. He has made the choice (enthusiastically actually) to go for the new treatment. Success is highly probable and deals directly with brain science instead of trying to cognitively change addictive behaviour which has a success rate of approximately 5%. EMDR greatly boosts those odds as well, but we thought we were dealing with a mosquito when we were dealing with a vampire. Truly I ask you: does it seem at all rational, in any way, at all, to choose to participate in irrational and damaging behaviours when they are destroying every other facet of your life? Not rational whatsoever = thinking disorder. I have been watching and waiting for a rock bottom to hit over a year. Finally after being tossed out etc. and seeing everything else disappear we finally have one. We have a weeping, unhappy man who wants to get well. Is finally saying more of the right things (and no I didn't hand him a script or ask any sorted questions) that seem congruent with being broken and unhappy. The therapist at the clinic where the proceedure is to take place is very confident that my H is ready to deal with this. Will everything be all better even if everything works according to plan? No. Not for a long while. There is after-care which will extend beyond the four sessions, there is MC, there is 12-step and there is all of my terribly hurt and dragged down feelings. Plus my anger too which has to wait for some time before it can be logically and properly addressed. There is also the distinct possibility that he will full-out welch or fail a polygraph more then once (a decent percentage of sexual addicts fail their first polygraph and pass their second, the general rule of thumb is that if they fail 3, then pack up). I will complete the family support part of the process and best I can, but I know that I will go no further then that. I have gone higher and further then anyone I know to save my family unit, and I feel comfortable with the line being drawn where it is. I cannot eve guarantee that I will for certain be able to deal with my own emotional fallout. Although in the last month I have experienced many different states and back and forth manouevers, the bigger picture has still remained the same for me: no stone unturned and then walk away. From day one of the diagnosis of sexual addiction, I cobbled together a list of options. That list grew shorter, and now it has one option left. That list had about a dozen options on it. I have had to have support to come this far. I have had personal counseling, church, friends, group, some family and this forum in a big way! I could not have survived through it or given myself enough hope to persevere without my supports. Now given that my decision has always been no stone unturned I finally hit my actual limit last week. One stone left and no co-operation. So it came down to my line instead of me being patient anymore. Was it selfish? Maybe it was about ****ing time to be. Everyone that has been my support that I thought would actually give me **** over the ultimatum actually praised me for setting the line. That actually surprised me. It has been a journey one way or the other, it has been incredibly tough and there is no question that after this treatment and through my own recovery that I have really done all that I possibly can. I can stay with no regrets and leave with none. I will have accomplished exactly what I said that I would do and for the most important reason. I have uploaded that reason in My First Album. I will truly truly know that I did what I could for her and for all of us. DuckDuck even though everything was very jumbled for me in the beginning, I had to learn the very hard way about taking responsibility for my own pride and happiness, as well as being responsible in a marriage as well as setting boundaries and sticking to them. This time, no matter the outcome has been invaluable to me. I have been able to (mostly) hold it together through ridiculous adversity, any other potential relationship woud be a cakewalk! I know better what holes to plug to protect myself (hah, I meant that metaphorically! Like protect myself financially etc.). I have learned that I am not my mother, I faced the issue head-on and quite frankly wouldn't let it rest and wouldn't let it make a stable home here. Addiction is not invited to my dinner table. I will not ever accept this treatment from him or another ever ever again. I could have gone through 34 years of it like my mother, making up excuses and living in fantasy-land day after day. She made every excuse in the book for why my father was allowed to be physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I am not allowing that to happen to my daughter. I clip the poor treatment now. If he wants to treat me poorly, then he can sleep in the cold. That is his choice. He will be 33 on Wednesday and he can embrace it. I may not have held all the answers or cards all of the time, but the basket I have put all of my eggs in is actually ME and my faith. Rock bottom came for me too, I realized that I have no control or responsibility over anything or anyone else in this life. (Obviously that does not extend to taking care of my daughter). I am not an expert in taking care of myself yet, but I know that I can and will for the rest of my life. I also know that I can carry things through a crisis. I also know now that wailing about everything doesn't help (although it does feel nice to get it out there). Hiding under a rock will get you..... a very nice shadow and not much else. As for cutting my losses right at the moment, I think that that is rather irrational. He is moving forward with treatment and has made massive strides to set things up today. There are a couple pieces missing and then it is set. For the couple of weeks the clinic will take and the couple of months of basic follow-up and disclosure, it would just seem so weird to cancel everything out in the face of massive progress. Either way, it comes to a close quickly if it must come to a close. It would seem very very, well, anti-climatic. I spend two years telling him that our family doesn't stand a chance without recovery and then he decides to go to recovery and I tell him that our family no longer has a chance anyways: surprise! To say the least it doesn't bode well with me. Although I will say that the fantasy crossed my mind to have my friends get together and throw him a surprise birthday party next week and then give him a bunch of energy drinks, Tim Horton's coffee, beer, porn DVDs and maybe a McHappy Meal and then serve him with papers right after. Just to be mean. We are actually going for a session of marital counseling on his birthday, he booked it and paid for it. Not cheap either $350, ouch. As per what has been advised to me in the last few weeks, I have not been giving in 95% anymore, even if I wanted to I wouldn't be able to. Without that 95%, he hasn't had the support in that he is used to, the changes in his reactions to me were so sudden it shocked me. Literally same-day for starters. Moralizing and rationalizing aside: I started this journey, I will damn well finish it and I know that I am about finished either way.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 Today marks two years of my being pornography free. LIfe is better without it. Spent the last few days purely with my daughter. She is so much fun! She yells "huck" (hug) and jumps on me! Greatest ever! She now sings all of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and she's only 21 months! So proud of her. (Of course it sounds like "Hinckle Hinckle" but that is still pretty amazing.) As well, she has had trouble going to bed without her Dad around so she has been sleeping in bed with me. Worst sleep companion ever! So determined to sleep sideways and dig into me. Got up and popped out of bed twice too, then in the morning took off outside the bedroom door. I have discovered that living alone (and with my daughter) isn't so bad and is actually fairly peaceful. It is hard to get things done when you are the only parent, but you also get all of the fun. I notice that I am more motivated to be cleaner since the last time I lived alone, and I am not as depressed. The finances are scary, but the circumstance itself isn't. It really wasn't as bad as I feared. ______________________________________________________________ Today marks two years since my husband was arrested and I found out about his usage. Today was also the first day where there wasn't ranking criticism or misery coming from him. He followed up on more treatment things. I haven't been asking him for info about it, he's just been really happy about the whole thing. He seems to have a lot of hope about the new proceedure. He says it felt pretty hopeless with the other options presented. We discussed Plan B if the proceedure fails. He seems present, haven't seen that in awhile, a long while. I have had some pretty mixed feelings. This morning I felt like it would be great if he didn't come back, even better. But then I realized I am just trying to avoid my own part in fixing things. Including my own addictive tendencies.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Just still trying to take things easy. I have heard a lot of difference in the way he interacts with me. It just seems way more like a friendship now. He is doing well and getting his stuff together to get to treatment. Wednesday is his 33rd birthday, he lined up a marriage counseling appointment for that morning, Happy Birthday I've just been getting more and more stuff done around the house but it isn't progressing as quickly as I had hoped.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 I just have time for one post tonight and a quick update. Marital counseling was explosive but we worked out a little plan. Often when addicts (esp sex addicts) seek treatment a funny little phenomenon happens: their spouse turfs them! Why? I have a few ideas, I can expand on that later. Needless to say that I have definitely been caught by that wave of emotion and reason. I completely completely understand it, it is like you come up from the bottom of the sludgey sea and then rise to the surface and instead of being in the dark, beneath the waves, you can see all of the pollution and garbage and crap and carcasses and you can also smell the stink. Then you think, I am not helping to clean this up, I am so out of here! But I did grip onto the fact that I did promise myself to leave no stone unturned. In fact we had a really ****ty day yesterday but managed to salvage it. We went for Ethiopian food. Happy 33rd, Honey. Last night it was open to sleep beside each other but I got that pit of my stomach sick feeling again so instead of fighting it lying beside him all night, I thought "**** this, I am just going to pop on the couch." No guilt, no BS, no games, I just needed some frigging sleep. Had a pretty good day today and realized something. I FINALLY LOVE MYSELF! It all started when I decided yesterday that I was going to pursue a hobby or go out one night a week and be purely indulgent to myself. The only thing I indulge myself with is internet time and food, both of which are addictive, and so not as much of an indulgence as a dependency. I went to Superstore with my friend and as I was shopping we passed the deodorant. There is a deodorant that my sister uses that smells really nice and I have wanted to get it after we use up all of the cheap stuff (it is also guy stuff). I finally decided "screw this," as if I am not going to spend like $3 on getting some feminine smelling deodorant, especially when my husband is spending hundreds on laptops! We have also had arguments over me buying my brand of dandruff shampoo which I must say has actually greatly improved my appearance and quality of life. Screw that too, when I am done my Wal-Mart anti-dandruff stuff I am going to get my Selsun Blue! I also bought myself a $8.49 tube of lipstick. Usually I won't buy myself cosmetics unless they are dollar store and lipstick is damn tough for me to colour match. I can't wear pink or brown tinted lipstick, have fun figuring that one out! I just don't buy purely purely indulgent stuff for strictly myself. If I did buy any beautifier, it was to impress my husband. Well he's too dumb to notice how pretty I am, so I am noticing. I found a bronze shade of lipstick, similar to the one I wore at my wedding. Then I went home and for some reason in the shower everything clicked: I have been raised to think that if I was not the center of a man's world (the emotional and sexual center) that I was unlovable. I realize that this is not the case, not only is my husband the real dummy in this case, but I have many other loveable qualities that make me special! I am dedicated, determined, and well-read. I am wonderfully committed to my family and to doing everything to making my family happy and successful. I also am able to reach out to some people that others have trouble understanding. (not 100%, but whatever). I am very loyal and very affectionate and I am a nice Mom who doesn't scream at her kid or spoil her ridiculously. I AM LOVABLE! And since I now love myself, I have decided that I love myself enough not to take this stupid garbage from my husband anymore. If he wants to return to his addiction, I love myself enough not to go through this anymore. If he is so stupid as to pick his addiction at this point instead of picking up a phone to a sponsor or other SA member when he is struggling, then he doesn't deserve someone like me. I am better then his stupid, selfish addiction and I really do deserve so much more and in that case I would rather be with someone who realizes how dedicated and loyal I would be to them. I love myself not to waste anymore time trying to fix someone else's problem. All of the traits that make me lovable are in me. He can't take those away by leaving me, emotionally and verbally abusing me, or by being a cheater. I am lovable no matter what he does, so he has no power anymore over how I feel about myself. He lost his ace to me. I got my winning hand!
yessy21 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 AWWWWWWWWWWWW ur great. i swear i read this and almost cried. im so proud of u! when u love urself others tend to see it adn love it more.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Omg, minor update. I think that the gas my husband had last night may very well be grounds enough for divorce. I am not sure if that seems fair but I had to grab that nice-smelling stick of deodorant and sit with it in order to counteract things. He let such a big bad one at 3:00am that actually woke me completely up! Nothing about this marriage is for the faint of heart.
Ross PK Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) I never realised you had a troubled marriage. I hope things can work out for you. Edited March 25, 2011 by Ross PK
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Thank you, and yes I do have quite the troubled marriage. I have been doing a ton of work in myself to change my own reality and perhaps improve my marriage. Often I look back and can't believe how bad things have gotten! No one would ever believe how wonderful the guest few years were in comparison.
yessy21 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Omg, minor update. I think that the gas my husband had last night may very well be grounds enough for divorce. I am not sure if that seems fair but I had to grab that nice-smelling stick of deodorant and sit with it in order to counteract things. He let such a big bad one at 3:00am that actually woke me completely up! Nothing about this marriage is for the faint of heart. ahahahhahahahahhaha omg ur too much! if u cant smell his nasty farts anymore... u dont feel the same way. hahahhaa.... u should have been able to sleep with it.... thats what my brothers wife says she does.,.. that shes so used to it that she loves it.
Ross PK Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Thank you, and yes I do have quite the troubled marriage. I have been doing a ton of work in myself to change my own reality and perhaps improve my marriage. Often I look back and can't believe how bad things have gotten! No one would ever believe how wonderful the guest few years were in comparison. I've not read through the whole topic, so this might be a dumb question, but do you think it's possible that the two of you can work through it?
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 ahahahhahahahahhaha omg ur too much! if u cant smell his nasty farts anymore... u dont feel the same way. hahahhaa.... u should have been able to sleep with it.... thats what my brothers wife says she does.,.. that shes so used to it that she loves it. No this has nothing to do with feelings. It specifically has to do with the fact that I didn't know a human being could produce that. I have no gall bladder and I can't make gas like that. I hope he lays off of the Taco Bell. The one that woke me up was like a minute long!
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 I've not read through the whole topic, so this might be a dumb question, but do you think it's possible that the two of you can work through it? There is a chance BUT it depends on how much I am not willing to suffer with his garbage and how much he is willing to stop dumping it. And vice-versa. Chances multiply for him to recover if he gets treatment. My own chances are simply based on my ability to enforce respect for myself and proper treatment of him as well. Basically, yeah there's a chance but it us going to be uphill and a lot if hard work.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 AWWWWWWWWWWWW ur great. i swear i read this and almost cried. im so proud of u! when u love urself others tend to see it adn love it more. Thank you, Since finding other lovable things about me, I am working on changing some more awkward things about myself. I think sometimes when I am out that I am terribly self-conscious, I don't fit in. I am overweight and in social situations I can feel awkward around a group and start biting my nails. I hate that. I have never been for a manicure or owned a pair of nail clippers. It is a terrible nervous habit. If I have no stress going on my nails will grow to be quite long. Some of my nails are down to the cuticle (sp?). I am not sure how to stop doing that, I have been doing it since I was a kid. I figure that part of the reason that I have stayed in this marriage (maybe 5-10%) is because I am overweight and my husband was one of the very few men that really accepted that and made me feel okay with it, even pretty. I didn't think I would ever find anyone else like that again. The truth is that I don't feel okay with it anymore. I don't want to be this weight, I don't want to role model it to my daughter and I want to feel pretty for real. He doesn't treat me like I am pretty anymore anyways so all of that is cancelled out. Even if he started, it wouldn't matter because I want to be healthier and feel more comfortable anyways. It is very hard to give up sugar and flour. I tried earlier on in the year and the stress coupled by the withdrawal brought me down. I think that I am ready to try again in the next couple of days, I just need to prepare to do better. Ironically enough, I tend to lose the most weight when he isn't around anyways. I always buy him crappy food because he likes it, and then I crave it too. He always buys me crappy food, even when I am on food plan. I wrote about this in other threads. My doing my own food thing just seems to work. I don't waste it either because I put the work into it. He has been away trying to make money again to get to treatment etc. I think he will make it. But as usual it depends on if he is actually trying.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Just found out that he is about 20% of the way to go to get to Treatment. Although the treatment itself is covered, he needsto bring up his portion of bills in arrears and pay some forward for basic expenses in order to go. He has about $600 so far and it seems that he is working fast to get there. I am proud of his efforts. It also seems that he has realized that he isn't the only person on the planet and actually listened and took note of the things I was talking about today. That tells me he is off of the porn for now too, he can't even fake giving a **** when he uses it. If there is one more incident (even before treatment) I am completely done. Finito. No more of this. I think he will go the distance though. Hopeful but cautious.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I just have felt so squashed and defeated by all of this. There was nothing specifically that brought this up. Just overall discovering and covering off with the treatment specialist today. I think the biggest thing at the core of my husband's addiction is an overall lack of empathy. An almost complete inability to get in the other person's shoes and see their pain. I have been expressing my pain to him for two years and it has produced little more then rage and frustration and guilt and shame. But no real understanding. It is as though I do not exist in his world. My feelings are not real except to "make his feel like a ****bag." His words. That is literally all he hears. He cannot hear that his actions have caused me immeasurable pain: he can see that they have, but he views it in a detached completely not understandable way. He gets annoyed and inconvenienced by it and I feel so drained. I fear that he will never "get it." Treatment or not. Just sit there and wail about not being "supported enough" through this. WTF? I don't give enough credit for him going to treatment. I recorded a 28 minute conversation between us just to see the patterns. And yes I push and don't give up. But he hits some sort of wall and then just placates me. I see it now more then ever. Like it is an intellectual exercise he just keeps failing at. That's all he sees. He doesn't "Get it." Able to intellectually acknowledge pain and damage but no sense of responsibility, remorse, regret, sorrow or any connection to it. I bring up an issue and I am told: "If there really are this many issues, then we shouldn't be in a relationship. So either there are and it is too much, or there aren't and you are just trying to make me feel guilty." Complete and total disconnect. Not "I didn't realize things hurt this much, OR I am so sorry that you are going through this, what would help?" No. Just the usual: "I don't want to hear it!" "Can we just drop it permanently, we already know I have a problem." How can one care? The answer is that they can't. If I am going to go through all of this pain and anguish alone, I might as well be alone. At this point is it an error in logic or decency to end a marriage so close to treatment? Or should I wait out the month to six weeks for the proceedure and then see about the aftercare? I've come this bloody far, it has been so long and so crushing. I don't know what the right path for me is anymore. I just know that being here sucks, a lot, and I hate it.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 It is also 2:30 in the morning here and today has been exhausting, maybe I am just drained?
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Feeling better and more hopeful today, off to take over the world (or help my friend move, whichever.) I expect ups and downs, the downs hit more sharply is all. H sent me the first bit of money which means something great. He sent me about 16.7% of the goal to get to treatment. Good for him | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |So he's this far in getting there! Honey if you are lurking, I'm proud! | | | | | | | | | |
Tiberius Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 He's been keeping a computer in the garage he bought a new one while we were going bankrupt. He hasn't been honest for one day. I hate porn, it poisoned my family. My daughter will grow up without her father. I hate life I wish I could just die. The end Porn does not end a marriage. A marriage is ended when either party files for divorce. Was he spending every waking hour in front of the computer?
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Porn does not end a marriage. A marriage is ended when either party files for divorce. Was he spending every waking hour in front of the computer? Every spare waking hour yes.
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Porn does not end a marriage. A marriage is ended when either party files for divorce. Was he spending every waking hour in front of the computer?You need to read the thread before posting crap. Her husband was arrested two years ago for wanking off to porn in a public place. Lay off.
Tiberius Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 You need to read the thread before posting crap. Her husband was arrested two years ago for wanking off to porn in a public place. Lay off. I am just saying it as it is. Marriage is ended by either party filing for divorce. His wanking in a public place does not end the marriage, she or he not wanting to be married anymore for whatever reason and initiating divorce proceedings ends the marriage. There are men who do not want a wife that does not have her own income. If you lose your job and your husband divorces your over it, then it wasnt the loss of your job that divorced you, it was your husband filing for divorce.
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I am just saying it as it is. Marriage is ended by either party filing for divorce. His wanking in a public place does not end the marriage, she or he not wanting to be married anymore for whatever reason and initiating divorce proceedings ends the marriage. There are men who do not want a wife that does not have her own income. If you lose your job and your husband divorces your over it, then it wasnt the loss of your job that divorced you, it was your husband filing for divorce.Okay, last reply. From what I can see, you've no interest in helping dot. Your point has been made of which has nothing to do with the price of rice in China, that they're still "legally" married. Now go wank off or something.
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