Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 3, 2011 Author Share Posted May 3, 2011 Blah, can't believe that I am still so stinking sick. At least I made it out for an EMDR appointment yesterday. Didn't get to tell h about that though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 3, 2011 Author Share Posted May 3, 2011 Today is one if the most hardest, grinding days I have had with trying to stay positive. I am so sick that the place is still messy from when the little kids stayed over and there is some food peels out from me barely having energy to move. I just feel so embarrassed about having garbage anywhere. I have a pile of Kleenex beside my bed and I have been coughing and sneezing up a storm. My head feels so hazy and to top it all off I got sick so suddenly that I puked the bed and my hair. There isn't any IRL friend I feel like I can talk to because both of my IRL closest friends that live nearby have their own families and issues etc. My parents suck. The only one I would have wanted to talk to was my H because he would have come up with some light-hearted stuff etc. But it just seems like he totally resents me now. Since my tenants moved out and I got sick I gave been sleeping alone here and since EMDR yesterday I had a really terrible dream too. Arg. The stress has just really gotten to me. I just want a nice friend to talk to to understand and encourage me and a nice week-long getaway from my life. Preferably on a frigging beach. With no pukey bed! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 I finally hit my wall today and just found my coping skills weren't shining through today. A combination of 1. Being quite sick and worn out 2. Greatly missing my little girl (she's been at my folks since I got ill) 3. Being isolated and alone at my place 4. Revenue Canada coming for assessment on Monday 5. Missing work 6. Calling it quits with H last night 7. Having H's therapist write my in-laws a letter about how negative I being about the whole process and having them forward it to me (I wrote a 75k email in response. Lord help the woman, she may not be able to leave her desk for a week). 8. Being alone in my house and physically alone for days with the exception of my dog and my neighbour wanting to borrow $20. The dog sleeps a lot. 9. Having had no medication and then popping a dexedrine today. Ugh. 10. Having had an EMDR session on Monday which always sets me on a flight. They are known for emotional side-effects. I have had two very vivid traumatic dreams in the last week. I found that I hit my limit and just felt completely unreasonably overwhelmed to the point where I set myself to get checked into the hospital. I called my neighbour to look after my dog. Then my husband called. He just sounded "okay" and I asked why he was calling me. He said he wanted to know how I was doing. I told him I actually wasn't doing too good and that I was embarassed to say this but I am going to the hospital because I can't deal with everything and might need to check myself in but not to worry because I wasn't thinking of "doing anything" or anything like that, I just want to do the responsible thing. Then I had a little breakdown and he sat and listened for about 10 minutes and then I asked him why he was listening at all because "you never listen to me." He said because he loves me. I said "okay well...." (I figured he's listening might as well vent away) "There's this, and that and that and this and maybe if you ever listened before to me there wouldn't be half this!":laugh: And I told him I didn't know why my coping and staying optimistic wasn't working and then he pointed out the EMDR processing and I think he is right. I was having grief and stuff but I didn't go back for a tuneup because I thought the worn out/overwhelmed was more circumstantial. I should have gone back in. We talked more and laid out some more plans for the structure of being separated and managed to keep things very civil, even friendly. I have noticed historically that he treats me far better when he can play the hero. He hasn't been able to in so long because I have needed really far away from the villan in the scenario whose kneecaps I keep kicking. Coincidentally Mr. Hyde's kneecaps belong to Dr. Jekyll as well. I hope that this story ends a little better. We agreed on stabilizing things, and then separate places, including enough counseling to keep us awake until the end of time. But I felt a lot better. At least something feels dealt with and it isn't nagging at me and I don't have to feel guilty. :bunny: They need a :phew: emoticon. Link to post Share on other sites
change Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 I don't have a response other than this: *hugs* I hope you're starting to feel better, DOT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 My husband is back from Phase Obe of treatment in a couple of hours. I don't feel too much really. He has been writing me these really positive texts all day and it's nice. I am just going to hang back for awhile. Like maybe until 2015. I think that may be good enough. The agreement we've made is that we are getting separate places. Pretty much a full Healing Separation. I have some very heavy boundaries that I am not going to relax on no matter what emotionally abusive bull**** he might throw my way. I am not going to let this person ever push me around again. Ever. Divorced, married, separated or from beyond the grave. I don't care what the consequences of that are. I have already been to where he does push me around and it can't be any worse then that. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I give you a lot of credit for staying in the game and not just erasing him. That kind of love, care and mindset doesn't come often nor easily. I hope it works out for you Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Thank you very much. That means a lot. Especially coming from someone whose opinions I respect. I either have a decent character, am completely beyond co-dependent or I am insane. it may be a bit of a combo of the three. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I certainly hope so. I can equate with all three. All the best, hun. You know I'm with you in all this. Inasmuch as I can be. Link to post Share on other sites
change Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I give you a lot of credit for staying in the game and not just erasing him. That kind of love, care and mindset doesn't come often nor easily. I hope it works out for you Agreed on all counts. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Agreed on all counts. I totally agree too.. i wish my exw cared about me and our family the way you do. This could've been worked out months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I am not going to let this person ever push me around again. Ever. Divorced, married, separated or from beyond the grave. I don't care what the consequences of that are. I have already been to where he does push me around and it can't be any worse then that. good for you!! bravo. i like that way you said that: I am not going to let this person ever push me around again. Ever. Divorced, married, separated or from beyond the grave. I don't care what the consequences of that are. dont allow it. but stay in control. happy are those who are slow to anger. but you DONT have to put up with crap quote: I have already been to where he does push me around and it can't be any worse then that. and him pushing...no matter what...is unacceptable. always!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Sounds like you're getting it together there, DOT ! Good for you ! * hugs * Link to post Share on other sites
change Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 How are things, DOT? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 It was a wonderful week, we had a great time and some amazing bonding moments. It's over now. It is completely over and I am in too much pain right now to talk about it. I cannot put myself through any more. It is just too much and just too far and always has been. Being alone isn't worse then this. It will be hard being a single parent. But it is harder being the partner to someone who still insists on staying out all hours despite the trauma triggers and what it does to me. I can't do it. I can't do the character slander that he does to me. I just can't do this stuff anymore. Being with him is just too painful and stressful and it wore me out. I need my energy back. I need to have a life before it is too late. He didn't love/respect me enough to come home. Link to post Share on other sites
change Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Oh, DOT -- I'm so sorry. But I'm also so glad that you respect yourself enough to make this decision and to know that it is the right one. You CAN make it on your own and you will be an excellent mother -- single or otherwise. I have no doubt of your ability and strength to preserver through this. *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Don't take this the wrong way, but I am so relieved for you. I really am. E-NOUGH. All my love DOT, and ((((((hugs)))))), always. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 I just feel so alone and in so much pain for letting him in partway again. Last week we talked about how I felt he wouldn't be there for me when I got old or sick and he said he understood why I felt that way but that he lived me and that he had made all of these changes in treatment and wouldn't put me through that anymore. Now he's out again and our little girl is in the next room. My god my heart feels like explosive lead. I can't believe he would do this her family. I feel sick. I hate this. I feel partially responsible but I know I'm not. This is just so ****ing inappropriate and ****ing sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 Don't take this the wrong way, but I am so relieved for you. I really am. E-NOUGH. All my love DOT, and ((((((hugs)))))), always. Thanks. I just don't want to have to go through this. I didn't ask for any of this. My H's response to that earlier today: "well you got it." My response "well I don't have to keep it." Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 This was such a selfish, cowardly way to quit a marriage. Our fifth anniversary was coming up on the 27th. He told me he just wanted time to go out and not feel like **** anymore. Staying out all ****ing night the week after treatment and just springing it on me is just such a slap in the face. Link to post Share on other sites
change Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 After all of you've done for him and all of the work you've put into his recovery, I can't fathom why he'd do this -- but he obviously doesn't deserve you. You're better than him, DOT. Know that. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 it was actually easier for me to get happy when i didn't have someone dragging me down every time i wanted to be happy... to let go completely when something obviously isn't working - is easier to do than forcing it to try to work - when it seems like it's never going to work out. i liken it to swimming upstream against the current, which is always a battle - as opposed to swimming with a current that works in your favor and helps you out, makes life simple and easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 I was happier by myself when he was in treatment then I am right now that us for sure. I cry like an animal when I sob and this us one of the last nights I ever want to go through that. I can't ****ing believe this. I just can't ****ing believe this less then a week out of ****ing treatment. Apparently his therapist recommended that we end because of "my negative attitude." WTF. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 I really did try my heart out. I really did. I totally fail at life. This is just a symptom of it. I am so ****ing scared for my kid. I sm always do scared for my kid and what kind of childhood she is going to have. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 you aren't good for anyone - IF you're not good to /for yourself FIRST. your happiness should never be contingent upon what someone else is or isn't doing. stop focusing so much on him and focus on getting good for yourself. you have a child to consider- this is top priority. do you drink? it my be wise not to be drinking when you're obviously depressed about this. alcohol is a depressant - it will make things worse... try not to drink, ok? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Stop. Stop, stop stop. Breathe. I mean it, BREATHE. Look at the life you have given your kid, thus far. you have brought her up the best way any mum could. you've devoted your time, love, attention and consideration to her in every way possible to her advantage. You do not Fail At Life. You make a difference, DoT. people here look up to you, respect you and love you heaps. We respect you so much for every effort you've made, everywhere. you're educated, intelligent and eminently capable of holding your own and running the show. This WILL pass. Grip onto that and hold on for what you're worth. I wish every kid had a mum like you. You have no call to question this - it's a given. She WILL be just fine. Believe me. And you ARE worth it, and more.... Link to post Share on other sites
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