He chose the addiction

[dreamingoftigers]

He got his stuff when I left to do some banking.

 

He left our daughter a bubble wand that makes extra large bubbles.

 

I know that he loves her so much.

 

I broke down, my heart is so broken.

 

His treatment person talked to me today, she said I put too much pressure on him to drop his addiction before treatment. She said the fact that he was honest with me about it was a big step. It doesn't matter I can pretty much guess that he won't talk to me for as long as possible. I am irritated that he is so angry with me for not wanting to be treated so third class in our marriage anymore. It's just such crap, I really do deserve better especially after what I willing to put in. I think most guys out there think that they are doing their woman a favor if they were to divorce under circumstances like these. I think that us crap. There is such a stigma against divorced women and single moms. The real man works out his issues and does right by his wife instead of abandoning his family and trying to abandon his problems.

[dreamingoftigers]

Someone posted on another thread asking me why I don't leave.

 

I couldn't figure it out either.

 

Until I really thought about it.

 

Here is my theory:

 

It is known that our templates for love are set early on in life by our caregivers for the most part.

 

My example was abandonment in the first 3 months followed by another at 7 years old (the peak of self-esteem development). This nicely solidifies the abandonment issues.

 

Aside from that, the male-female template I had was my father emotionally bashing the crap out of my mother and myself night after night and her being cold and bitter and sometimes with angry spurts after being pushed far enough.

 

To me I think that my love template is extremely off.... whenever there is intensity and conflict in a relationship, it feels like love to me. We used to be intensely happy so that worked well, but then upon the arrest a switch flipped and we became intensely unhappy and conflictual. Still satisfied the template for me.

 

Unfortunately my husband's template is set to run or do something addictive when there is too much intensity.

 

I think he is done.

 

When he runs, I pursue like a madwoman trying to strangle that intensity back out of him because that is exactly how "someone who loves me" would react to me running. I contact him multiple times a day, via text, email etc. I am a stalker. I scare myself.

 

Unhealthy. I will never be able to have a healthy relationship as long as I allow this template to operate. I will never be able to have someone in my life on a consistent basis if I depend on the high of the intensity. And things just keep getting worse, it is not sustainable.

 

I am going to start trying new things. Like not contacting my husband when I get that crave. And trying my best not to respond to or create instensity. I will have to work out more strategies in the future but for now there must be some way to slowly reset my template to respond to something healthier.

 

I have in the past done intense self-destructive things when I could not get that intensity from a partner. I refuse to do that to myself anymore.

 

The intensity is killing my family, physically, emotionally and psychologically. I will start to monitor when that is happening and maybe even do a mini-meditation to calm myself. Maybe call my sponsor.

 

I also think that the intensity is part of why I am attracted to LS so much, reading others intense stories and trying to help etc. provides me with a (sick, I guess) relief.

 

I am embarassed to admit these things but perhaps it will help in the long run.

 

1. Stop pursuit of contact with husband. Immediately.

2. Meditate when feeling like pursuing husband

3. Find healthy ways to get the high or curb the cravings for it like exercise.

4. Pray

5. Do not accept contact from my husband except when I can be calm and rational

6. Do everything to remain calm or walk away from intense situations.

7. Do everything I can to healthily bond with my daughter.

8. Learn to grow in the discomfort of being alone.

9. Limit myself to ten posts a day on LS, and if I cannot handle that, then five.

10. Learn techniques to not procrastinate on other things so that they do not become intense situations.

11. Avoid intense situations at all costs (I am so used to intense situations that during emergencies I can call 911 for people and not even be phased.)(I have gotten in the middle of fights etc in the past, that is messed up).

[dreamingoftigers]

Weeeelllll I sawy husband off at the airport for treatment. He was supposed to be checked in 90 mins before the flight but was running late so I helped do the automated check in while he returned his car and got his bags.

 

I ended up walking out with his ID and so when he went to board, he got bounced to the next flight :laugh:

[dreamingoftigers]

1. Stop pursuit of contact with husband. Immediately.

2. Meditate when feeling like pursuing husband

3. Find healthy ways to get the high or curb the cravings for it like exercise.

4. Pray

5. Do not accept contact from my husband except when I can be calm and rational

6. Do everything to remain calm or walk away from intense situations.

7. Do everything I can to healthily bond with my daughter.

8. Learn to grow in the discomfort of being alone.

9. Limit myself to ten posts a day on LS, and if I cannot handle that, then five.

10. Learn techniques to not procrastinate on other things so that they do not become intense situations.

11. Avoid intense situations at all costs (I am so used to intense situations that during emergencies I can call 911 for people and not even be phased.)(I have gotten in the middle of fights etc in the past, that is messed up).

 

I have been working on the above list since I posted it.

 

I have not initiated contact with my husband. He texted me yesterday saying: "Had my first session today. It went well."

 

I didn't see the need to respond as it just seemed like he was keeping me posted about his time there.

 

I am on an eating bender right now and that is ceasing tomorrow, guaranteed. I will start tackling the sugar addiction and withdrawal across the weekend. (Yes there are physical withdrawal symptoms if you are hooked on sugar and cease eating it).

 

I have not been meditating or praying.

 

I have been doing well alone, it is nowhere near as scary as I thought it was. I guess growing up the only times that I was alone was because someone abandoned me and/or someone had just abused me.

 

Now it is somewhat comfortable. But I'll see what do when it comes to the eating sugar/flour etc.

 

I have been avoiding tense situations, but what I have learned is that that is when they want to come at you so the only thing to do is just work through them.

 

As for bonding with my daughter, that has been wonderful!:love:

 

She is such a little athlete now, so agile! Climbing up the slide all by herself and dancing to her musical toys!:love:

 

I have got to start taking daily pictures of her again!

 

I realized today that I have taken 10% of my daughter's childhood and tried to use that to save my marriage. The reality is if that my husband doesn't want our marriage then my time is far better invested in improving the bond between my daughter and myself instead of trying to fix up the other factor in our family.

 

There is such a ways to go for my own recovery. It is staggering to me but I am looking forward to it.

[dreamingoftigers]

I spoke with my husband tonight. He dumped out and went off of his medication a few days ago.

 

You are really not supposed to cold-turkey Dexedrine and he was on a pretty high dose.

 

He sounded awful, just very run-down.

 

I feel like an idiot for talking with him as long as I did.

 

I need to get out more often. Twice this week I missed church activities due to work.

[2sunny]

get out. enjoy the beauty of the world around you. stay in the MOMENT. do not think ahead or about the past. do only TODAY.

 

meditation is extremely helpful... take the mind away from the body. empty the mind of any thoughts... you may get clarity!

 

get some hobbies you enjoy.

 

hugs

[dreamingoftigers]

Very wise advice,

 

It seems like there are all of these little things that help and I keep not remembering all of them.

 

Must meditate....

Must let go of whether or not I want to even remotely try with this marriage....

Must let go of husband's narcissistic tendencies ...

Must let go of criticism and anger from him

Must let go of resent towards him and realize that he is in no mental state to be caring or make rational decisions

 

Must embrace work

Must embrace little daughter:love:

Must embrace health

Must embrace friendship

Must embrace a cleaner house

Must embrace forgiveness and hope

 

I hate how easy it is to get lost down dark paths sometimes

 

Must embrace light

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay so me and husband were put in our timeout corners until he is done treatment.

 

The RN/psych supervising it said that I am stressing him out too much and that he is triggering me/stressing me out too much and making too many plans on his and his daughter's future waaaayyyy before he is ready to show to himself and everyone else that he isn't a risk to her, himself or anyone else.

 

She has put us on NC until at the very least he leaves treatment and says that he should break NC at a counselors office with me to try to plan what we should do next regarding anything.

 

If he pressures me too hard about T then I will have to take it to the next level. I don't want to do that but I know that he doesn't have a leg to stand on if necessary.

 

It's hard being here but I am now ultra-focused on my own healing and at least I won't get railroaded by mine and his conflict for the time-being.

 

We still sent each other nice texts tonight. His SA meeting was right off of Tillicum Road. Just one of those little tidbits he felt the need to share with me. I thought that was cute of him to send.

 

I feel better not having the pressure on so hard. Now I only have to worry about myself and T.

[dreamingoftigers]

Blah I just went back on meds and ended up all night...

 

Starting to make health changes, very happy about this.

[dreamingoftigers]

Post 3500 on LS.

 

I have been sugar-drink free for over 24 hours and feel loads better even though I stayed up all night last night. (Meds)

 

I haven't even had any heavy sugar cravings all day today!

 

My visit teacher came by last night and talked with me about a whole variety of things. Really, really great.

 

I think I can really make a go out of being in a single parent set-up for awhile. I think that without the sugar in the way and the marital conflict, it can even be a lot of fun!

 

In fact for the first time that I can remember in so long, I feel pretty excited.

 

Of course I still break down and cry a few times a day, today was pretty heavy over the hurtful stuff he did, and I made another realization. It sucks, but I got myself a "God Box" and I am going to put my hopes, prayers and sadness into that when it comes up.

 

I am looking forward to tomorrow even though it will be a long day. Then the whole weekend is for me and my daughter!:love:

[dreamingoftigers]

Blah, I hate waking up by myself.

 

It is so lonely. I don't mind having all of the blankets to myself though.

 

Being in NC is like a sort of dull pain. I hope that it passes soon.

[dreamingoftigers]

I've just been pretty lonely lately, going to head out and be more social this weekend.

 

I feel like the whole world has opened up for me and I get to go re-explore it.

[IfiKnewThen]

as far as being lonely... take it one day at a time and try to look at it, as your not subjected to any imminent stress from your husband being present.

 

i know you have all the responsibilities at home for you and your child, but try to regard it as just your time for you, without him.

 

they always look better at a distance when we get lonely

but they're not

 

anyway, hang in there. and mingling with adults of any kind (family, friends, or just being around people in stores,) might feel good this weekend, so yes, its good to head out and be social. try to enjoy the holiday somehow.

[dreamingoftigers]

as far as being lonely... take it one day at a time and try to look at it, as your not subjected to any imminent stress from your husband being present.

 

i know you have all the responsibilities at home for you and your child, but try to regard it as just your time for you, without him.

 

they always look better at a distance when we get lonely

but they're not

 

Actually, oddly enough, he doesn't. I am more content here by myself then having to feel sick to my stomach and criticized for every single move I make. I am not counting down the days. Honestly I put the NC in place and then said for it to be broken at a counselor's office. Truth be told if he is motivated then he will book one before he leaves Victoria. He track-record when it comes to our marriage is pathetically unmotivated. I don't suspect that I will hear from him until very close to our daughter's birthday.

 

It is supposed to be our fifth wedding anniversary the week after that.

 

anyway, hang in there. and mingling with adults of any kind (family, friends, or just being around people in stores,) might feel good this weekend, so yes, its good to head out and be social. try to enjoy the holiday somehow.

 

I really really really wanted to paint the two bedrooms in the basement this weekend. I was so excited to try learning a new skill and then the landlord said I could only paint them white or off-white. The damn walls are already white, I wanted to make a cute kid's room for T.

[tinktronik]

I really really really wanted to paint the two bedrooms in the basement this weekend. I was so excited to try learning a new skill and then the landlord said I could only paint them white or off-white. The damn walls are already white, I wanted to make a cute kid's room for T.

There are some pretty shades of off white... Try a champagne or something. And get some wallies, Etsy has some great ones. They can completely transform a room.

[dreamingoftigers]

There are some pretty shades of off white... Try a champagne or something. And get some wallies, Etsy has some great ones. They can completely transform a room.

 

Are wallies sort of like panels that can be painted or something, because I thought of doing that, just painting nicely fitted panels that I can take down when I move.

 

I love bright, fun colours, champagne wouldn't cut it for me

[tinktronik]

Are wallies sort of like panels that can be painted or something, because I thought of doing that, just painting nicely fitted panels that I can take down when I move.

 

I love bright, fun colours, champagne wouldn't cut it for me

 

Wallies are vinyl wall stick-ons or decals. No painting needed. Here is an example:

 

http://www.etsy.com/listing/62550848/vinyl-wall-sticker-decal-art-giant-tree?ref=sr_list_5&ga_ref=auto&ga_search_query=vinyl+decal+wall+large&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

 

Oh, and they peel off when you're ready too.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wallies are vinyl wall stick-ons or decals. No painting needed. Here is an example:

 

http://www.etsy.com/listing/62550848/vinyl-wall-sticker-decal-art-giant-tree?ref=sr_list_5&ga_ref=auto&ga_search_query=vinyl+decal+wall+large&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

 

Oh, and they peel off when you're ready too.

 

Very cute idea! Thank you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Blah! He broke NC and it sent me through an emotional spiral!

 

I feel terrible because we were supposed to be NC until he broke it at an MC office when he got back.

 

He reached out very nicely in some texts, some deeper stuff about where his fears are coming from. He wrote that he wants to spend time with us and that we are loved by him.

 

He would like to stay some extra time and get some more treatment.

 

I ignored him breaking NC and the minute the first text rolled in I put my phone timer on 24 hours to give myself that chance to figure out what to do.

 

I feel bad for ignoring the contact, but I really thought it was best: 4 phone calls, 6 texts and an email.

 

One thing that got to me was that the first two texts were updates and openers and emotional tidbits.

 

The second text was about borrowing $50 to get some workboots so that he could do some temp work. The voicemails he left seemed very very focused on that. I just get the feeling that he wouldn't have broken NC unless it was for that. It makes me feel kinda used.

 

I could just be reading too much into it though. But who knows.

[soserious1]

You are only 28 yrs old, the world should be yours to explore, not consumed by someone who sits in a parked car potentially exposing himself to passerby all so that he can d/load free porn to jerk off too.

 

My heart hurts for you, it seriously does..

[marqueemoon4]

You are only 28 yrs old, the world should be yours to explore, not consumed by someone who sits in a parked car potentially exposing himself to passerby all so that he can d/load free porn to jerk off too.

 

My heart hurts for you, it seriously does..

 

its co-dependency and its the need to have a nuclear family, and the person you described is the final piece of the puzzle. Unfortunately, due to his issues and and behavior he will probably never fit. I know because I'm going through a similar situation.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am reading more about The New Codependency. I know that the odds are not good.

 

Yesterday he sent me some very nice texts.

 

This morning I texted him asking if he wanted to talk. I tried to keep things very business and he just accused me of a couple of poor motivations like "avoiding" (which was weird because I directly answered his question and he didn't read my response for what it contained) and "clearly you are not interested" when it came to him getting work boots.

 

The reality was that I was asking him if he felt he needed them given the fact that he would have fewer work days there then he thought. I was actually asking him for his view based on new information! An attempt to be considerate!

 

He went back to ignoring me. I also have a pretty good guess on how this cycle will round out: he will blame me for not being able to work because he couldn't afford boots and I "wasn't interested."

 

I have gone back to NC. I have nothing to prove to him. He's 33, he can let me know if he wants/needs anything and he can wait and listen to the actual response instead of the one he wants to make up in his head.

 

I am tired of being with someone who continually offers up this kind of treatment. I am not a victim to it, just wary and losing my patience at warp speed.

 

I would think that given my record of trying to accommodate him that that should carry a fair bit of weight, but it is very clear that he wishes to garner a bad impression of me for whatever thing that reinforces to him (perhaps justification?).

 

You know what? I know that I am not a bad person with bad motivations that is trying to "keep him down" "control him" "shame him" or whatever else. If he can't see that by now, then has has some larger issues coming. Because I don't want to live with someone that treats me like I am the person he thinks I am. Life is too short and I don't want to role-model that reprehensible trait to my daughter. So it changes or it goes.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am reading more about The New Codependency. I know that the odds are not good.

 

Yesterday he sent me some very nice texts.

 

This morning I texted him asking if he wanted to talk. I tried to keep things very business and he just accused me of a couple of poor motivations like "avoiding" (which was weird because I directly answered his question and he didn't read my response for what it contained) and "clearly you are not interested" when it came to him getting work boots.

 

The reality was that I was asking him if he felt he needed them given the fact that he would have fewer work days there then he thought. I was actually asking him for his view based on new information! An attempt to be considerate!

 

He went back to ignoring me. I also have a pretty good guess on how this cycle will round out: he will blame me for not being able to work because he couldn't afford boots and I "wasn't interested."

 

I have gone back to NC. I have nothing to prove to him. He's 33, he can let me know if he wants/needs anything and he can wait and listen to the actual response instead of the one he wants to make up in his head.

 

I am tired of being with someone who continually offers up this kind of treatment. I am not a victim to it, just wary and losing my patience at warp speed.

 

I would think that given my record of trying to accommodate him that that should carry a fair bit of weight, but it is very clear that he wishes to garner a bad impression of me for whatever thing that reinforces to him (perhaps justification?).

 

You know what? I know that I am not a bad person with bad motivations that is trying to "keep him down" "control him" "shame him" or whatever else. If he can't see that by now, then has has some larger issues coming. Because I don't want to live with someone that treats me like I am the person he thinks I am. Life is too short and I don't want to role-model that reprehensible trait to my daughter. So it changes or it goes.

 

OKay, okay, so I was wrong about how the cycle was going to round out.

 

I did some catastrophizing and negative predicting there. I also reviewed the texts and he didn't accuse me of avoiding, he asked me if I was, but some of our texting had overlapped and it looked like I hadn't actually made an effort to answer the question.

 

As for being "not interested" yes he assigned that to me and it frustrated me, but if anything that wouldn't make this an endgame. If all I had to worry about one a week or month was that, I could deal.

 

I did kind of make too much out of this. I'll just go back to bashing him for the addiction. Totally kidding.

 

Actually we had a nice conversation afterwards (well, kinda, we'll say that it was a healthy and progressive conversation).

 

He's been triggered by insecurity lately and he shared that with me as well as some fears etc. Very much more open then before. I tried to underline his security with these. Think I did okay.

 

Made it very clear about the assigning a crappy motivation to what I was doing was pretty triggering for me. Seemed to come across okay. He is going to read CBT for dummies.

[heartshaped]

You shouldn't have broken NC. Counseling cannot help either one of you if you do not abide by the rules and guidelines that are set. At the end of the day, the only way things can work for you to is if you both take time out to work on yourselves. You both need space.

[trippi1432]

Time to clean up the PM box again DOT....