He chose the addiction

[Duckduckgoose]

Zumba is fun, it is dancing.

 

A friend showed me Zumba but I already DDR (Dance Dance Revolution).

[dreamingoftigers]

I think that I might look a little ridiculous dancing, but I go have some dance coupons that I gave to use up before April 1st. I don't want to go alone though, kind if embarrassing.

[Duckduckgoose]

I'd go with you, but its kind of a drive for me and I don't have a passport/visa

[sb129]

Zumba is fun! I did it alot to help get back into shape after I had my daughter.

 

I went alone, it was fine.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay LSers I have a confession to make. I sm a ****ing retard, a ****ing ****ing retard, okay?

 

I didn't ****ing listen and I invited my husband back into the house for two nights and let him stay over. He said a lot of nice words and Gus a lot of nice things but today the goddamn same stupid ****ing being ridiculously late and ****ing lying pattern happened again!

 

I keep thinking "I haven't done all that I can to save this marriage and my child's family." the truth is I wanted my husband to love me and be attracted to me like he once was. It isn't going to happen. He doesn't want to.

 

For what the porn does for him, he would be at best settling for my fat ass. He still puts it before us and I remembered how he put it before our child. I don't want to get into that too much but it isn't as bad as everyone would think but it was enough to show me that he has that capability.

 

If my husband truly truly wanted thus family he would have ( or he would now) run his ass off to therapy, group, laser, ANYWHERE! Instead of lying and slinking around with every electronic device he can. He had two years of every option in the book and did try to white-knuckle it. But he knows (and everyone ****ing knows!) that that will never be the way to recover EVER!

 

Words words words. That's all there is. Words and wishful thinking and me going nine ****ing months without sex last years (over 3 different periods) do that my husband and porn could explore their relationship with one another.

 

You know what? I am tired of being in between the two of them, porn is what works for my husband. Porn doesn't get angry at him or make him feel bad. Porn is always there at the end if the say for him no matter what. Porn is always sexually satisfying. porn doesn't get far or grow old. Porn doesn't give you unwanted pregnancies. Porn is variety, porn can be had almost anytime and almost anywhere (it would seem). Porn doesn't make you feel ashamed for wanting porn.

 

I can't possibly compare. This isn't 1884 and a man dies not need a wife, he can make his own dinners and have his own bachelor suite. Why should he want to change at all? In fact porn makes me completely redundant and the lower quality version at that.

 

I really should leave him to it. My nagging and whining and crying in pain is really holding him back from true happiness, and who the Hell do I think I am to stop that? Just because we wore white and had a dinner six years ago does not entitle me to make him live a low-quality life with a wife he can't stand most days.

 

I will do what is best for us and set us free.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's been hard to pick a direction and straighten out my path and pick a direction. I truly believe that if it comes down to picking my personal integrity and sanity vs. My marriage that I have to pick my sanity and integrity if for no one else, then for my daughter. So that leavesme with only one choice at this point. I have some pieces to pick up and myself to restore. After the whole day of ripping my own heart out, I have decided not to look back unless there is a complete 180. I won't let down my guard againin sympathy, loneliness, or a sense of guilt. We are both adults and we both made toxic choices. I have to stop. And I am. My h is being dropped off at a neighboring town to continue his own personal journey. I won't be waiting for his return, there is too much to take care of, and too much healing left to do. And a cute little kid that needs her Mom more than ever.

[Duckduckgoose]

You've already done all you can. Kick his ass back out and don't look back. The "man" he was is gone. You can live just fine without him.

 

Porn addiction and the self-esteem issues it brings on the BS... cause yes spouses of porn addicts are betrayed, are toxic. Kick his ass to the curb once and for all. He's had a million and one chances. Why would he change at a million and two?

 

Its one thing to beat yourself up. Its another to beat yourself up with the person still there causing you further emotional damage. Tell him to not let the door hit his ass on the way out.

[allenmj]

Duck's said everything I would. You deserve soo much better

[dreamingoftigers]

You've already done all you can. Kick his ass back out and don't look back. The "man" he was is gone. You can live just fine without him.

 

Porn addiction and the self-esteem issues it brings on the BS... cause yes spouses of porn addicts are betrayed, are toxic. Kick his ass to the curb once and for all. He's had a million and one chances. Why would he change at a million and two?

 

Its one thing to beat yourself up. Its another to beat yourself up with the person still there causing you further emotional damage. Tell him to not let the door hit his ass on the way out.

 

The is the single most embarrassing and shameful thing that I have to admit on Loveshack. I come on here reflecting who I am to get help and pull through my issues and work on recOvering. I know what I need to do. I know what I am supposed to do. The truth is: I am not ready. I am too scared. Every time someone leaves me I go into mortal terror. I think it was because I was abandoned at 3 months old and then my grandmother left when I was 7 after being the primary caregiver in my life.

 

All day in and day out I feel crappy about our "relationship" but then when it comes time to send him away of pack honor even separate, the terror comes. The blank feelings, the swelling pain that I know from experience has caused me to be terrifyingly impulsive and crazy. Sadly enough, I can handle the financial, emotional, psychological abuse as well as the cheating and porn crap without affection better then I canstand the aloneness and the terror and worry. I can see that this is destroying my life and happiness. I can see that it is no example for my daughter, she will learn to expect no better. It's toxic.

 

It is strange to watch. If I were an outsider looking in, I would never understand it. Here sits this woman who is overweight but otherwise rather kind, seemingly intelligent, has such potential and only 28. She has a young daughter and wants to be agood example to her and wants to become something more then she is. She has spent a lot of time working on herself and on her relationship. She has a certain strength about her and yet here she is pleading to her 32 year old husband who claims to love her but won't stop lying about his risky sexual activities. They have emotionally battered one another for two years. He wants to leave, says he is happier without her and greatly prefers the porn to her. And yet she pleads with him often to give the marriage and family another chance. He won't stop. He has no real reason to. He cares somewhat about her pain but sees it as her problem, if she doesn't like it she can leave. He shows no real remorse, after she has known for two years that he is an addict, what right dies she have to expect him to stop. Why does she keep badgering him? Why doesn't she just accept it or just move on? Why is everything such a guilt trip? Why does she keep bugging me for sex? It's constant. It's clear she isn't happy, why doesn't she just go away?

 

Our marriage hasn't worked in two years, in fact much longer. Why does she insist on not seeing what is right in front of her face? He isn't going to change. It isn't that he hates her. He just doesn't love her or care for her enough to even put forth solid, consistent effort to stop. And why should he? He wouldn't be particularly affected by losing the nagging most depressing thing in his life that seems to cause the most grief and comes between him and his idea of pleasure. She angers him often, stresses him always, but that's about all. Why would anyone trade in their favorite pasttime for that? Why can't she see that if she went through the pain of losing him and of losing hope, that not only would she be the only one truly grieving, but that she maybe able to fill her life with happier things?

 

Why can't she see that the grass may very well be much much greener because someone would actually be tending it on the other side, there may actually be someone present.

 

Why can't she see that marital (especially sexual) bonds are the most fragile, tender, hardest to keep and exceedingly rewarding bonds, but they are so broken and ruined that they are practically insolvent at this point. Why can't she see that?

 

I don't know.

 

I do know that I hope to have a couple of EMDR sessions done over getting through the abandonment. Maybe then I can let go, right now I wait on a thread.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have just returned to the blank state of things where I don't feel too much.

 

Just trying to get things done and put off the coming header.

 

I spoke to a divorce busting coach on Saturday, so did he.

 

She fired me from trying to be the Head Fixer of my husband's addiction.

 

Since that happened I actually feel better.

 

I don't feel as much that the way he treats me is a reflection of what I am, but more a reflection of how much I have been willing to take in order to be loved and have a family.

 

The only problem with that is that I am not being loved properly, not even close. Not anywhere near to the smallest iota. My husband used to look at me like I was pretty, if I tipped forward a little he would try to look down my top and we would kind of grin at each other, he would sometimes slap my butt playfully.

 

Now he resents me being in the room. He doesn't notice me, and now Britney Spear's cleavage (an artist I find disgusting in her conduct no less!) is what lines the desktop of his laptop.

 

Nothing is sexy between us anymore, it has all been killed.

 

My breasts are not as large and perfectly shaped as those of porn, my thighs and waist a fair amount bigger, I am not 18-21. In the older days when a man took a wife they would grow older together having their places and roles. A man would look upon his wife as beautiful because his access to other women would have been somewhat limited, and she would come to define sex to him to a large degree. He could look at her as the mother of his children, the love and wife of his youth. She would be beautiful on so many levels.

 

Now with this "wonderful technology" (in my case) the history and things we have done together don't matter. The fact that I had his child goes ker-plop in his mind. So what? So what I had a child? So what I followed him wherever he wished to live or wander to, so what I supported the vast majority of his goals, many of which turned into pipe dreams, and many others that he sacrificed to his addiction.

 

So what? It doesn't matter because I don't feel the same.

 

He just plays with addictions like playing with fire. Had a few beers last week, on Dexedrine no less. Never mind he was an alcoholic that was homeless for ten years that thought he could never quit when I met him. Never mind the years of sobriety.

 

And the coffee, and now the energy drinks with the Dexedrine. Not supposed to mix caffeine and Dexedrine, but whatever right? Whatever new thing that might feel a little higher then life.

 

Why not unwrite our history and who we were to each other?

Each little step closer to just making us nothing.

I almost think that living like this is somehow okay, I have no illusions that I hold any attraction for him anymore. I have seen what he has fed his brain on every electronic device he has hidden. When you spend that much time and investment into anything, you are bound to grow to love it. And love it in ways you cannot easily let go of.

 

Sadly enough, he is not "ready" to try to fix anything. I know what "ready" means. "Ready" is that time when the excuses run out and that is so far away, it is unreal. He needs to get a "place" and a "car" before he is "Ready" to change from his addiction. What sense does that make? It is an addiction! An addiction that has chewed up everything in it's path so far, how "ready" do you need to be?

 

The funny thing is: everything about recovery talks about making the change in behaviour first before understanding why the change needed to be made. You make the change, things improve, then you understand the wisdom and revelation with the change.

 

It's what I need to do to. It's like I need to find a way within myself to completely let this relationship go, just let it completely go and then I will know why it had to be done. I will experience the joy, wisdom and understanding that comes with letting go of someone who isn't "ready" to not be toxic in my life.

 

I think I have hit my rock bottom seeing that he was looking for "the right girl" right after I asked him to leave. Not trying to fix the issue, not trying to save the family. Not even when I went to him and said "I have waited two years, I am your wife, or I am not. You need to pick between me and the porn." He said "Then neither. I won't come home unhealthy." But he also won't go get healthy, and now I have brought him back.

 

I am so stupid for not letting him dangle in the wind. I don't think he would have been back, I think he would have gotten his own place (which he is still going to do) and let the porn take him away. I have not seen one iota of a rock bottom. And I can't change that. I can't make someone feel convicted of the damage they cause to their family. He acts like I am sicker then him, he acts like he needed to come back and take care of things. In a sense he is right, but my problem is the amount I have invested into someone who is psychologically incapable of giving back. He sees only his justifications for what he is doing.

 

Such reasons as:

 

he isn't attracted to me anymore

he only stayed in the marriage not to hurt me

he got fed up of the marriage long ago

I act like a nut when he tries to leave so somehow that means that he can't

It's arousing

 

At least now he can only hurt me more, he can't hurt me deeper.

 

It's laughable to know that if he had invested maybe even 10% of the time and effort that he did into procuring porn into our marriage instead, we would probably have a happy, functional marriage.

 

I have grown tired of myself for not leaving, and tired of myself for having cared so long for someone who put me dead last under the guise of trying to put me first. The only thing that has come out of all of this is that since he stopped touching me and since our sex life has all but died out. And reading everything he wrote to the other women that not only has my self-worth eroded, but my feelings for him as well.

 

I am finally at the point where I have realized that he has changed himself into someone that I do not know anymore, just seeking the high all of the time has made him so withdrawn and uncaring about the feelings and life of those around him. Luckily I don't love this new person he has been slowly metamorphosizing into. Soon he won't be someone I love at all. He is just hanging on this thin thin thread. Sometimes I catch small glimpses of who he used to be and the things we shared together. He feels the same when I lie beside him, but he does not reach out for me at all anymore. We just chunk down into bed, dead beside one another. If I cuddle up to him, he often does not respond. He doesn't turn over. Deadness. Sometimes the way he talks, but the tone he used to use with me, almost a proud to be by me tone is all but completely lost. Gifts are gestures are all gone too. There are no courting behaviours whatsoever. Nothing to signify that we might have been actually in love at one point. His heart has left the building. I don't see mine sticking around much after. What's the point of being alone in the dark with a ghost?

 

The way he used to see my falter or be in pain and he would comfort me is so long gone that it is almost a faint memory. Now he has seen me cry so often and become so depressed that he is impervious to it. There is no response to my pain besides agitation and anger. I have given up being in pain around him anymore. I may have vented and been harsh in the past, but even the simple discomfort of things is enough to bring harsh criticism.

 

The way he used to talk to me about our future and the wonderful ways we would be happy is moot.

 

The way he used to take my hand and hold it, my god, when is the last time that happened? Maybe, maybe last year some time? And initiate any sex without that ****ing guilty look on his face? Yes guilty like "I know I have been ignoring you forever and I should be ****ing you, but I have been occupied, so how about tonight?"

 

God I would settle for being held close on the couch with real cuddling intent.

 

It's all just nagging. It's all just guilt-trip to request it. I even negotiated getting touched once a day like a hug or kiss in January. What a pit I have dug myself. Why am I here with someone who doesn't take me hand or cuddle me? Why?

 

Surely to God my weight wouldn't stop me from getting someone who would at least hold my hand periodically. What in the ****ing Hell is wrong with me? What the Hell is wrong with him that all of the simple tender things go out the window despite all of everything we shared together?

 

Are internet breasts and vaginas so important that no one should ever hold my hand again?

[dreamingoftigers]

Update: he's getting his own place.

 

I am refocusing my efforts on making my home more liveable and finding time to take care of all of the business and household things while watching my daughter so everything isn't such a shock.

 

I have been talking to my S-anon sponsor and making quite a few realizations about my situation.

 

I can see that I have lived my life with no sense of self and when the relationship dissolved I felt like I lost the mirror that gave me a sense of who I was and what role I occupied. I don't feel that so much anymore, I am much more ready to let this go. I guess I just needed the return trip to see what it was exactly that I was missing.

 

Emotionally I have been very weak but I have clearly seen the need to remain accountable. What I did see was that my daughter often asked for Daddy and would wait by the door at dayhome and my parent's place for Daddy to pick her up. She was being sad and angry as well.

 

Somewhere along the line I lost sight of the bigger picture and I am struggling to piece it back together and get it back.

 

It has only been a few days but I think I can cope with the pain of abandonment now and not sacrifice my self-worth.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am learning a lot more about myself in thus situation because I realize more and more that if he so chooses to continue that addictive path that it is not in any way because I failed as a spouse. It really is because he is so compelled to do so. It isn't even a rejection of me although the pending separation and all the little moves to get there ( whether I requested them or not ) feel like it.

 

He told me today that I have been acting untrustworthy (ie Trucker Incident). That really makes me think his is very far divorced from reality and not at all able to see how phenomenally damaging his actions are. I truly think that his addiction was around often when I went to bed and virtually everytime I walked out the door. Or almost always when he did an errand. And he thinks that I am untrustworthy, holy ****, that's ****ed.

 

He treated me like I was shaming him for suspecting that! He would get angry and critical and mean about it. He still gets upset when I look at him like I don't trust him. I have no idea where he would even begin dealing with this and frankly I don't care. He either has to or nothing good will ever stay in his life.

 

I did not make a healthy choice and I realize that there are consequences for that now. The only thing I can do from here is move forward and make peace with that scared, frail part of me and make it stronger. I know I have probably about another month of work to do if I work real hard at it.

[trippi1432]

Amen!! :bunny:

[dreamingoftigers]

Amen!! :bunny:

 

LOL amen to which part?

[trippi1432]

All of it DOT - Keep moving forward and working on you. Hugs!

[dreamingoftigers]

I have made some serious headway in what is going on with me.

 

Last night I was completing a job and thinking about what could possibly be done to fix my family. Then I thought more about how it just wasn't working the way I had tried anything and I wondered why I was so much more focused and obsessed with this then most people would be. I have really been wondering what the Hell is wrong with me, and I think I figured it out.

 

You see, most addiction is avoidance and the claim is that co-dependents of addicts are "co-addicted." They get hooked on the cycle that the addict provides them. Now for me, there is nothing fun about the cycle so I didn't understand why I would be "hooked." In fact, it's been pretty ****ty.

 

Then I thought about how I didn't have that sense of self either, so I began to wonder what I was avoiding about my own life. By focusing on my husband's addiction, it was like overfocusing on his life. So I took my mind away from all of our marital conflict and all of his addiction issues to see what else was lurking there.

 

It came pretty quickly actually, a huge stab of grief.

 

I have been avoiding my own fear of being a mother.

 

It has been a huge struggle for me to accept the fact that I have a child that I was not supposed to be able to have. This is not to say that she is not a joy, on the contrary she is the greatest joy ever in the universe and I love her cuteness bit by bit. But with that comes great great terror.

 

I did not have a strong mother figure, in fact my mother is so heavily, pathetically co-dependent she couldn't even see that my father had a problem whatsoever. I always resented her for it and for trying to give me sixty million reasons and excuses why my father was always off of his nut. "He's tired," "his feet hurt." Seriously stupid.

 

My biggest goal in life was not to have a family like my family. I thought that by marrying and having a child with this man, that I found out that I had recreated it and it broke my heart. I went about it from the wrong way and attempted to fix or at least compensate for the problem. I poured my heart out figuring that my pain and the importance of his daughter would be enough to change everything, it wasn't. I scoured everything for new knowledge and treatment, I went to recovery to encourage him to go to his own recovery, I threatened, I limited his freedoms, I got angry, I set my bottom line and didn't stick to it. I tortured both of us for two years and nothing really changed except for my sanity got lessened. I have not been able to fix "the problem."

 

Now I see that "the problem" is not just a broken husband, it is also a broken wife who is trying to take too much responsibility for the other party. And trying to fix a family for her daughter that is not fixable in the state it is in.

 

I don't know why I didn't see it, but my mother spent over 30 years trying to fix my father and, well, she didn't gain any life skills or tools herself, she also lost 30 years. We have next to no relationship because she spent every waking bloody hour trying to save my father from his pain and tell me why I was not valid enough to pay any attention to. My father was King of Household. He held in his hands the blank cheque.

 

I am sickened to think that I have started to repeat the cycle. I am glad that my daughter is only 21 months old and that I do have the chance to avoid more damage from this. My husband needs to fix himself or we cannot be a family.

 

I told him this tonight, he is gone for the weekend and if he wants to be a family at all then he needs to go into recovery asap. I decided tonight as I saw him off at the bus station that I am not living one more day like this. NOT ONE MORE DAY. I WILL NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE WONDERING IF HE IS USING THE SECOND I AM GONE, OR THE SECOND HE GOES TO THE "STORE."

 

He gets no excuses. Yes his childhood sucked, yes it was awful, but it is also over and he is going to be 33 in a couple of weeks! He has a child who deserves a childhood! And it is up to me to make sure that his demon doesn't affect that anymore, his issues can no longer touch her life.

 

This is something that my mother did not do for me. She let my father's demons run wild and we all had to pretend that they weren't there.

 

Not me anymore, my husband's demons are here, and they need to **** off. NOW. If that means that they take him with them, then so be it. My husband's demons are no longer welcome in this house, I have plenty of my own to fight. Recovery, or screw off.

 

I also know what recovery looks like. Recovery looks like gratitude and hope, not this depressed angry bull**** he comes home with, I totally know now. Plus a polygraph, don't even try.

 

I will no longer avoid being a mother to my child. I have a pretty good template of what not to do and the rest I can read up on.

 

I do feel like an idiot for not realizing these things sooner and having to lose so much because of them, money, time, effort and the first year and a half of my daughter's life. I could have learned to play the piano.

 

But what is life without wasted time?

 

I know that I will not crumble this time for sure because I had a positive week with my H and things slowed down but I am more then willing to let it go now to have my sanity back. I am surprised that I haven't had a heart attack yet.

 

A while ago he told me that he needed to be "ready" for recovery. I also thought that I needed to be "ready" to let this relationship go. "Ready" is not ever going to magically come. When would I ever be "ready" to let completely go of someone I care so much for? Never. What does ready look like anyways? Does it mean that I don't give a **** anymore? Because if that is the case, not being "ready" will go on forever.

 

So I have to do it regardless in order to get better, and so that my daughter has the best chance she can even though it isn't optimal. My life may not be perfect here on out, it may never look anything close to perfect. Who knows, I may never get laid again (ugh). But I will not settle for an insane, depressed, brutal, betrayed life anymore. I will not settle for constant hurt and no trust anymore. I don't want that life anymore.

 

Everyone and their dog better remind me of this post if I ever get stupid enough to slide back.

 

I will not chase someone who wants to watch glorified tv instead of having a family anymore, that is just so ****ing stupid and I am done with it.

 

Amen.

[marqueemoon4]

Again I wish my stbx cared so much about her family because I'm willing to do anything to make it work unlike your husband who doesn't seem to care at all. He knows he can do what he wants and you're so dependent on the idea of him being around to complete the "family" that there are no real repercussions. I really think you need to let him go once and for all and realize he has to change for himself, not because you want him to.

[dreamingoftigers]

Again I wish my stbx cared so much about her family because I'm willing to do anything to make it work unlike your husband who doesn't seem to care at all. He knows he can do what he wants and you're so dependent on the idea of him being around to complete the "family" that there are no real repercussions. I really think you need to let him go once and for all and realize he has to change for himself, not because you want him to.

 

I for one don't care why he changes if he does, just as long as myself and my daughter don't have to deal with the weirdness that comes with his addiction anymore. I am not willing to expose myself to it anymore. I had this week and thought that I could pull through and that I would feel so much better if we could agree on some simple things and simple steps. It was very naive. He had been willing to make agreements but it doesn't matter since he is completely untrustworthy in this state, and I am not waiting around any longer for him to decide when he can stop treating us like this.

 

I am not being treated like this anymore, and I am not allowing my H to disrespect our family like this anymore. He can change because pizza has tomato sauce for all I care, it also isn't any of my business really. I just don't want anymore crap around here.

 

Furthermore the post above may not have been articulated as nicely as I thought, but I am no longer dependent on the "family" image. If having the missing piece here would be better for our daughter in the long run, then maybe. But this is causing me considerable mental, emotional and physiological harm. It just is. I can't live like that anymore, and that is why something in my own life needs to change. He either needs to verifiably manage his addiction (thus changing my environment) or he needs to be away from us completely until he is willing to do so, or I have sufficiently moved on (thus changing my environment.)

 

I wish my mother left my father years ago because he chose his addictions over everyone else. I am not willing to put my child through the same things, as well to say that there aren't any repercussions isn't true at this point. I am truly truly unwilling to live with the insanity anymore, despite the darkness that I have felt and the fear. Living with the insanity of not knowing what I am walking into when I get home, what moodiness and criticism and lack of affection awaits me at the end of the day is just too much and not worth having a "family unit" over.

[hardtobelieve]

I am by no means an expert but to me you sound like a wounded woman thrashing wildly at this injustice....trouble is the thrashing is harming you, not him and not the world.

 

As hard as it must be you need to focus on getting you back on your feet. And blindly having sex wont do it, it wont make him suffer and it wont help you or your child.

 

I dont know what the sytem is where you live but I really think if you could just get yourself to your local GP he/she might help you from tehre - with soem short term medication or some counselling or whatever it is they feel you need.

 

For you and for your child, you need to stop and breath and get the help you need and deserve.

[hardtobelieve]

Sorry GP is local family doctor - does it mean the same everywhere?

[Duckduckgoose]

GP= General Practitioner

 

Didn't know that myself till last week.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am by no means an expert but to me you sound like a wounded woman thrashing wildly at this injustice....trouble is the thrashing is harming you, not him and not the world.

 

I know I was unstable and oscillating. At this point I am not trying to put all of those pieces back together. Oddly enough I am comfortable in doing what I can day by day to look after myself and my daughter. Being "fired" from managing the rest has been a HUGE load off of my shoulders.

 

I did not thrash around to harm him or the world in any way, in fact there was some rage but it appears to me to be an extreme reaction to pain. I haven't thought of trying to "crush him like a bug" or whatever. What I have felt is resent and anger towards someone who is supposed to be my loving, supportive spouse treating me like I don't exist. I truly on every conscious level don't wish him harm, but wish that he would be convinced of himself to stop harming himself (and trust me he is) and harming everyone around him, especially our daughter.

 

My primary feeling is toward making my daughter's life as stable as possible and that means having a stable, balanced Mom until such point where if/when my husband decides to change his behaviour. (I will still be a stable, balanced Mom).

 

Yes being wounded has brought up parts of me that I didn't know existed. I don't have a history of violence whatsoever, or a history or promiscous sex.

 

As hard as it must be you need to focus on getting you back on your feet. And blindly having sex wont do it, it wont make him suffer and it wont help you or your child.

 

My intention for sex was never to "make him suffer." Truly at that point I figured that there was a good chance that I would never see him again, he has a life history of disappearing when things get tough. Also if I did screw everything that moved, I sure as Hell wasn't going to tell him about it. I also would have felt nothing but shame about giving up a piece of my character that I held so dear for so long.

 

What I did find: due to my depression and anger over the events, I forgot to take my morning dose of medication the next day which caused a massive crash-out. I didn't get back on my meds consistently for four days. You are never supposed to go cold turkey on Dexedrine. So what was already a massive life change etc. became a massive brain function issue.

 

Dexedrine relocates bloodflow to the reasoning centers of the brain from the limbic system, so on top of the shock of everything came sort of an impairment to logical thinking that lasted for the first few days of all of what was going on.

 

What I did notice was that I felt mostly nothing but flashes of white-hot grief, stress and mostly just blankness. I also had wickedly high levels of sexual arousal. I am not sure how much of this is just me emotionally reacting and how much of it was my going off of meds and it screwing with my brain, but now that I am back on meds, I am very grateful to be more balanced. I wouldn't just "say" that I wasn't trying to harm him or that I wasn't angry. I was angry, but truly honestly I also realized the night that I caught him that he was really, really sick and his judgment was warped. I spent a lot of time that week looking up last-ditch treatment alternatives etc. for him, me wanting to sleep around was not an intent to harm. It was actually a warped way of me trying to deal with the grief of being rejected and filling the void of intimacy/closeness that came with my husband. At this point I truly wonder how many cheaters are truly in some kind of weird conflict-avoidant pain and when they feel that they have been pushed too far (rightly or wrongly) whether or not to them it is actually valid.

 

I know that if I had cheated it would have been in a screwed-up way simply because I miss my husband and I was trying to screw the pain away, but like most "distractions" like getting drunk or gambling, that the effects it would have would be disastrous and damaging to my self-esteem. I am glad that I didn't go that far off of the deep end.

 

It may sound like excuses, but whatever. I do believe that lacking the medication exacerbated the symptoms that I was already experiencing and I have put a much stronger priority on remaining medicated and productive.

 

I dont know what the sytem is where you live but I really think if you could just get yourself to your local GP he/she might help you from tehre - with soem short term medication or some counselling or whatever it is they feel you need.

 

I have been going back to group and seeing my therapist.

 

For you and for your child, you need to stop and breath and get the help you need and deserve.

 

I am just working on making each day the best that I can for her and me, my husband needs to sort his own self out. He has my support in that regard, but not at the expense of my physical, financial, emotional, spiritual and sexual safety.

 

Thanks.

[dreamingoftigers]

So I found out today that the skin breakout that I have been having on and off for years is psoriasis. I am pretty devastated actually. It is like the final nail in my body-image coffin.

 

My father has severe severe psoriasis and he flakes everywhere. We call his truck the "Chip Wagon" because he skin flaked all over it in layers ( no we don't tell him this, yes we are mean mean people).

 

He has gone for a variety of treatments over the years including light therapy, but he is one of the lucky souls who gets burned by light therapy, so that would pretty much guarantee that I would be too (similar skin). Another treatment he was going to try greatly increases the risk of cancer, so he pretty much didn't go for that.

 

The breakouts have already caused an impact on my self-esteem even though they have largely cleared now, they would seem to be stress-linked which would make perfect sense from what I have been told.

 

I told my husband about it tonight and he reassured me that we could look into whatever treatment options available. He didn't seem to think that it was a big deal. I just figure that he wouldn't be anymore physically put off by me anyways.

 

We ended up arguing briefly and I hung up. I was talking about the steps etc. and how if he wasn't actually committed to doing them and trying to restore some form of intimacy with me over the long run to just forget it altogether because since he has been away I have started to really take care of myself and I don't feel as alone and devastated anymore. He countered that anytime he has tried to leave the relationship and toss it that I hunt him down. I told him I wasn't and hadn't been hunting him down lately.

 

Truly I am at the point where I am letting a lot of it go from an emotional standpoint. I don't want to hunt him down and try to convince him that our family is important. If he can't figure out that our family is important and more important then whatever he is hooked on, then I simply don't want to be married to him anymore. I won't go out of my way for a divorce unless being married to him interferes in any other life plans that I have. But if he really can't see the addiction for the destructive bull**** that it is, and that doing a recovery might save what was a really happy and promising marriage, then I don't even want to see him anymore. Why put myself through more rejection? I just can't see a good reason anymore.

 

When I was driving down to meet him the other day, images of what he partakes in and how much I don't add up to that for him flashed through my mind and I thought: why am I doing this? I turned around and went home until he called me.

 

I am having more and more trouble seeing us have a relationship overall, even with the recovery steps. He is the type of guy who is always messing around in something addictive and I don't want T to see that as a role model. I think it is so sad that she gets to be one of the kids that has a split-faith family and the father is the type to have seemingly lower standards and values. I think that can be very toxic and confusing for a kid to grow up in an inconsistent environment like that. One person has high standards spiritually etc, and the other has nothing really except that they "think there might be a higher power, but maybe we are all just one big experiment, like a cake and he doesn't care about us."

 

I am not saying that his attitude is "wrong." Just that the inconsistency could be very strange to deal with. I know that not everyone in the world believes the same thing etc, and I am not saying the T needs to believe those things either, but I do believe that a lot of what I may try to say about having a relationship with a loving God will probably be summarily undermined. Just another weird example of our marital conflict coming into play. If I felt that those things would be strongly respected then that would be different. Often though (like in front of our staff when we had the business) my husband would publicly call me out on even trivial points pretty much like a character assault and it was pretty embarassing. I think that that would easily happen in regards to my faith as well.

 

I want to share my faith with T and have it be something special. There are many things like this in our marriage. If my husband perceives a different attitude, or a strong one, I find that often I am accused of pushing it on him, even if I haven't at all, even if I just want something in my own life and he gets very emotionally charged and will say hurtful things to me. Much of that I can deal with, but I really really don't want that happening with my faith, or towards my daughter about my faith. (I.e. encouraging her to do things contrary to it in the name of "fun" when it is really just to prove a point or push buttons.)

 

I am sure that conflicts of this nature could be overcome but how with someone who won't even be honest enough to let me know what is going on day to day.

 

For instance: he acted really happy to see me for a good chunk of yesterday and then his mood became more withdrawn and dismissive, and now today he says I "hunted him down." I didn't hunt him down! I went to spend time with him, he wasn't hidden away! He wasn't calling me from a payphone claiming that he was in Illinois and I called my team of trackers to go get him! I didn't strategically hack his email and set up watch on his bank accounts! I am so irritated about that...

 

Well no more of that, no contact until he initiates it that's for sure.... I am so not being accused of that bull**** again. I get it, maybe he didn't want to see me for as long as he did, but he could have said something. I am so sick of him expecting me to be able to read minds all of the damn time, and if I don't then he feels justified to blow up or run to his addictive behaviours. A lot of times he is just so ****ing vague with no boundaries whatsoever. If he does make a little boundary that does get violated, he never sticks to his bottom line, or remind me that it was a boundary in the first place. I can't be responsible for trying to decipher what his needs are and make sure that he has properly articulated everything and make sure that he still shows up to have a relationship every once in awhile! I have enough things to take care of, including my own healing from all of this stuff!

 

Being single is way nicer then trying to be psychic all of the time.

 

You know what? I want a chemical castration! I hate the fact that I am a woman with a sex drive! If I was one of those women who simply wasn't into sex or only wanted it once a week or something then I could deal with that much better then trying to negotiate with someone that used to be interested in that department, and now simply has moved on to "better things."

 

I hate trying to have my sex drive filled, especially since porn and masturbation breach my sexual sobriety. Most married men would kill to have a wife so interested in sex! Yet in my relationship it is nothing but a source of conflict. So bloody frustrating!

 

Yes this was a post about God, sex, skin conditions and hunting people down....

 

Maybe I should double-check to see if I took my meds today....

Edited January 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[heartshaped]

I do have to ask albeit respectfully, why are you still in contact with him? I know the two of you have a daughter together, but in his condition, I'm sure you aren't letting him see your daughter so why are you still in contact with him? He needs to be cut off until he cleans up. He won't clean himself up until he hits rock bottom until there's nothing else left for him.

[dreamingoftigers]

I do have to ask albeit respectfully, why are you still in contact with him? I know the two of you have a daughter together, but in his condition, I'm sure you aren't letting him see your daughter so why are you still in contact with him? He needs to be cut off until he cleans up. He won't clean himself up until he hits rock bottom until there's nothing else left for him.

 

Honestly I am not sure that Rock Bottom for him would be losing our family or not at this point. I have been behaving so erratically for so long, and he does not need much motivation to walk away either.

 

I had a conversation with him and I realized that I don't want him to come home and try to get better if he isn't into it.

 

I don't want him to come home if he only did it because he feels trapped into it.

I don't want him to come home to only get me through the rough patches and he feels guilty about it.

I don't want him to come home only not to hurt me.

I don't want him to come home only to see his daughter, and his daughter alone.

I don't want him to come home only as a convenient place to stay if that's what it becomes.

I don't want him to come home only because he is lonely and wants some human (any human) contact.

I don't want him to come home full of resent and not wanting to be there.

I don't want him to come home feeling like he wants to be anywhere else.

 

I want him to come home if he wants to and because he misses me, likes me and thinks I am special.

 

I have wanted my whole life to be special to someone, I also want to treat the someone special to me like they are really special, and by pushing him around into whatever i want him to do, means I am not treating him special, and therefore it isn't fair to both of us.

 

I will speak with him tonight or tomorrow about it.

 

I am really sad and broken but it is better (I guess, we'll see) then trapping someone into something they don't want or aren't sure about.

 

Selling a sober life and relationship with a "no payments for at least a week" model is not working, and I am playing an active role in keeping us from being happy in life.