He chose the addiction

[dreamingoftigers]

And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

[dreamingoftigers]

Should I remove him off of my FB? That would also cut access to many of the pictures and videos of our daughter because they were all uploaded to my account.

 

I am not sure if this is fair or not.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am so so heartbroken right now. I found a myspace account that belongs to my husband and he listed himself as single. Like I never even existed.

 

I am so so so heartbroken. I feel so down below the ground now. We have been together 5.5 years, married for 4.5 and we have a daughter together. He isn't single. We got married and lived together all over the place. I exist and so does his daughter.

[carhill]

That sucks. Every small insult adds up to the totality of disrespect.

 

FWIW, as my exW and I both used MySpace to connect with mutual friends around the globe, I left my 'status' as 'married' until the court finalized our divorce. I thought that only fair.

 

TBH, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably leave the FB alone and consciously avoid any content which is detrimental to your health. If he's not actively creating issues for you there, leave it be.

 

Your H has his path. It's sad what such choices leave in their wake. My sympathies...

[threebyfate]

((hugs)) dot. Wish I could take your pain away.

 

I don't know how to help considering the Mormon aspect but what's coming through loud and clear is that the two of you have fundamental differences in your values. With this difference, there's active control on your side and passive resistance on his side. Maybe this split is for the best for both of you although right now, your pain is too great to consider this aspect.

[dreamingoftigers]

((hugs)) dot. Wish I could take your pain away.

 

I don't know how to help considering the Mormon aspect but what's coming through loud and clear is that the two of you have fundamental differences in your values. With this difference, there's active control on your side and passive resistance on his side. Maybe this split is for the best for both of you although right now, your pain is too great to consider this aspect.

 

What do you mean? active control/passive resistance?

 

I don't think he has defined his values because there are two different sides to him and he hasn't either picked one or reconciled both.

[dreamingoftigers]

That sucks. Every small insult adds up to the totality of disrespect.

 

FWIW, as my exW and I both used MySpace to connect with mutual friends around the globe, I left my 'status' as 'married' until the court finalized our divorce. I thought that only fair.

 

TBH, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably leave the FB alone and consciously avoid any content which is detrimental to your health. If he's not actively creating issues for you there, leave it be.

 

Your H has his path. It's sad what such choices leave in their wake. My sympathies...

 

I am not saying that I didn't do anything wrong in our marriage, I just don't see why I should be completely erased. I did lots of good too. I was lazy but I also spent a lot of time with him letting him know how much I cared for him. I think in the end he resented it because he wanted his other life so much more. I cannot believe all of the social networking he did considering how much he "wasn't into that stuff."

[threebyfate]

What do you mean? active control/passive resistance?

 

I don't think he has defined his values because there are two different sides to him and he hasn't either picked one or reconciled both.

You have a set of strong values, ones that you extrovert to him. He doesn't agree with your values but is too weak to stand up for himself so instead, uses lies and deception to resist.

 

So you know, I'm neither advocate for or anti-porn. I find it dumb and if it's an addiction, one that detracts from real life, nothing but a crutch for deeper issues. Addictions create brain chemistry dopamine hits which causes further cravings since dopamine is part of the human reward system.

[carhill]

Some people do better with scorched earth. Perhaps your H is one of those, IDK. He can re-write the past to match up with his present. It is what it is. Life gave you a gift, your daughter. Look into her eyes and see the true meaning of living. Hope things get better for you

[dreamingoftigers]

You have a set of strong values, ones that you extrovert to him. He doesn't agree with your values but is too weak to stand up for himself so instead, uses lies and deception to resist.

 

So you know, I'm neither advocate for or anti-porn. I find it dumb and if it's an addiction, one that detracts from real life, nothing but a crutch for deeper issues. Addictions create brain chemistry dopamine hits which causes further cravings since dopamine is part of the human reward system.

 

Nobody has become more deeply familiar with this process then me over the last little while.

[dreamingoftigers]

Some people do better with scorched earth. Perhaps your H is one of those, IDK. He can re-write the past to match up with his present. It is what it is. Life gave you a gift, your daughter. Look into her eyes and see the true meaning of living. Hope things get better for you

 

OMG I feel so stupid now... very very old account with nothing really about it. Nov 2007. I have an old account too, we probably joined at the same time and I am listed as single too, default setting. Does this mean we're okay and I've been acting crazy the whole time? :lmao::rolleyes::lmao:

 

Totally kidding, it just means that I poked around too much and it is time to stop. I am only hurting myself and making myself crazier then I need to. My husband's addiction already clearly rejected me enough. It doesn't matter if it wants him to be single too.

 

I am scared about my health though too, I have been having problems and have a referral but if it is something serious I don't know for sure what will happen to my daughter.

[trippi1432]

Hey DOT - Don't read into those sites...bunch of BS anyways.

 

Did want to hit on this real quick while I have time:

"You have a set of strong values, ones that you extrovert to him. He doesn't agree with your values but is too weak to stand up for himself so instead, uses lies and deception to resist."

 

My exH and I had this...raised differently....I will say this to what was posted...values can be different...it does not mean that one person must extend themselves to a lower set of morals...my exH wanted me extend myself below my means and standards...it worked with his alcoholism and gave him comfort. I was right not to take myself and my family there....they were worth more than that and you and you baby are too. If he cannot rise above his childhood and past to see that there are better things in life than what he was put under..that is on him.

 

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

[dreamingoftigers]

I find that so sad that he couldn't even talk to me about these things. I have been moody and outbursty before, but I am not a monster.

[Duckduckgoose]

If he's addicted to porn then social networking sites probably don't mean much to him, unless the girls he talks to on them are all sluts and show him tits and get on the webcam and do kinky ****.

 

At least mine was that way. Usually if they're porn addicted they don't want the problem of interacting with real people, too much work.

[dreamingoftigers]

True.

[dreamingoftigers]

Some people do better with scorched earth. Perhaps your H is one of those, IDK. He can re-write the past to match up with his present. It is what it is. Life gave you a gift, your daughter. Look into her eyes and see the true meaning of living. Hope things get better for you

 

Best gift ever!

 

I ended up talking to my H tonight via fb and let him know how i was recovering.

 

At one point he suggested that i would go crazy and end up in the hospital and that he should have been taking care of our daughter!

 

That hasn't been the case at all and wasn't last time either!

 

He took money and resources away from this family to feed his addiction. No way am I letting my daughter go with him until he straightens himself out!

[Duckduckgoose]

Are you going to try and get full custody?

 

If he can't wean himself from porn it doesn't sound like he will be a father that is there for his daughter like he should be.

 

As I say in World of Warcraft: RL comes first (RL=Real Life).

[dreamingoftigers]

It is kind of funny but porn addiction kind of reminds me of this:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqVmx8Mrqro&feature=related

[BB07]

Best gift ever!

 

I ended up talking to my H tonight via fb and let him know how i was recovering.

 

You are recovering, from what?

You should be celebrating yourself because you finally kicked a man out that had no respect or regard for you and your daughter because of his addictions. His addictions are who he is RIGHT NOW, so good riddance, right?

 

Please think about what is it that you've been getting out of this f'd up situation? What need does it feed for you? Martyr? Fear of the unknown, (without him)?

 

I've read your advice to others and it's usually good, but you need to apply some of your own tough love to yourself. Don't be weak and let that pathetic, sick "addict" back in your life? If you do, you aren't protecting your daughter. You owe her a good life and the best of yourself. Get it together and don't let him pull you down anymore, wipe the ****e off your feet and move on.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are recovering, from what?

 

Oh health issue I haven't posted here actually.

 

You should be celebrating yourself because you finally kicked a man out that had no respect or regard for you and your daughter because of his addictions. His addictions are who he is RIGHT NOW, so good riddance, right?

 

Good riddance to the addiction, not to the man that they were a part of.

 

Please think about what is it that you've been getting out of this f'd up situation? What need does it feed for you? Martyr? Fear of the unknown, (without him)?

 

The smallest bit of hope that we might be a family one day.

 

I've read your advice to others and it's usually good, but you need to apply some of your own tough love to yourself. Don't be weak and let that pathetic, sick "addict" back in your life? If you do, you aren't protecting your daughter. You owe her a good life and the best of yourself. Get it together and don't let him pull you down anymore, wipe the ****e off your feet and move on.

 

We both agreed that we are not going to be in each other's life like that as long as we haven't worked out our issues. He started talking like he would be his daughter's grand rescuer and I was very blunt that the only real thing he could do for her was to get help and get better.

 

He offered to switch places with me and take care of her. I said no, he doesn't even have a place yet!

[BB07]

Please put your daughter first, please. Protect her from him.

 

I'm the adult daughter of a serial cheater alcoholic father and a very loving mother but in spite of having a mother who was wonderful, she failed on some levels as she could have protected me more from him. In others words she should have kicked his sorry ass to the curb and not let him go back and forth. In one of those "he was back" times, my father molested me.

So...........I'm interested in your daughter and her protection.

[dreamingoftigers]

He's not welcome back until he does at least the following:

 

One bona-fide healing seperation (approx one year)

 

At least 6 month of sobriety

 

Properly medicated

 

Completed polygraph

 

I have my stuff in order

 

Attending once a week meetings for at least 3 months

 

Familiar with all recovery readings

 

Done his EMDR therapy

 

I am done my EMDR therapy

 

I feel safe with him and him being able to take care of his daughter

 

Some kind of conflict resolution/anger mangement training

 

Possibly even treatment

 

Our therapist gives it the green light!

 

I will not go through what I went through the last two years ever, ever again. I was raised by a screw-up Dad and an underfunctioning Mom, I will not allow my kid to go through that. Warning received and processed.

 

Even he is shocked as Hell that I threw him out backpack and laptop with nothing else, didn't even let him sleep in the car overnight. Gets it though, but that isn't enough.

[BB07]

He's not welcome back until he does at least the following:

 

One bona-fide healing seperation (approx one year)

 

At least 6 month of sobriety

 

Properly medicated

 

Completed polygraph

 

I have my stuff in order

 

Attending once a week meetings for at least 3 months

 

Familiar with all recovery readings

 

Done his EMDR therapy

 

I am done my EMDR therapy

 

I feel safe with him and him being able to take care of his daughter

 

Some kind of conflict resolution/anger mangement training

 

Possibly even treatment

 

Our therapist gives it the green light!

 

I will not go through what I went through the last two years ever, ever again. I was raised by a screw-up Dad and an underfunctioning Mom, I will not allow my kid to go through that. Warning received and processed.

 

Even he is shocked as Hell that I threw him out backpack and laptop with nothing else, didn't even let him sleep in the car overnight. Gets it though, but that isn't enough.

 

Good for you! You need to take care of you so that you can take care of her and that means not letting this man back in your life and putting up with his crap.

[dreamingoftigers]

I Negotiated with his demon's existence for two years, he needs to figure out if he wants to have an adult relationship with his wife and family or whether he wants to hang out with his childhood demons.

 

He was abandoned by four mothers growing up, I think that he uses women to fill the void, an overabundance of women. But nothing can fill that void except himself getting healthy.

 

I can't fill that void, all I can do is try to make sure my daughter doesn't develop any of her own demons due to me.

 

I didn't even cry first asking him to leave, his demons have pushed me too far, I had to develop a lot of inner steel.

[dreamingoftigers]

I do see a lot of incosistency in my own thread here and I am going to cut myself a little slack because I know it has been a rough ride, I won't cut his demon any slack though.

 

I also know that my emotions are going to be all over especially as i go through each little thing. I just have to keep in perspective that the feelings are information for me to take care of myself and my kid.