trippi1432 Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Rebuilding starts with small steps...and I know right now it all looks like crap. When my daughter was 3 and her father left, I had no idea where my life was going to go. When he left, he took the only stability I had, the car...and I lost the 2 jobs I was working to support us (he hated working). I was left with a child, penniless and had to move home to my mother's house....middle of no where without a vehicle. I remember looking at run down tobacco barns and telling my mom that was my future.....had no real good outlook on where my life was going to go. Rebuilding was each small step....getting a job and having to rely on my mother to get me back and forth to work....getting a car...my own and it was my security. Getting my own place...a roof over mine and my daughter's head. An instructor for a local college at the place I worked at inspired me to look into their programs and challenged me to apply for a grant and scholarship and I was on my way to my first degree. No one in my family had ever gone to college...but it became my goal to complete that degree before my daughter started kindergarten. Lucky breaks...small goals....seeing the opportunities....things don't always work out like we wish they could, but sometimes a path comes up that we didn't even know were there. I didn't have a plan, it just happened that way. Having a boundary isn't wrong...and no, what he did wasn't illegal...neither is alcoholism, gambling in most states or cheating really for that matter....but in most homes where that is present and tolerated (I use that term loosely), it represents a home without boundaries....and being without boundaries only serves to enable the behavior. Are you going to have a perfectly clear picture right now....no, you have to give yourself time right now to put things into perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 This is so crappy, I have been really horny and lonely today and I have even thought of turning to porn even though it left a ****-stain on my life. And then when I think of it or having sex with someone else the reality is that they are not him. Nothing else is my H and I miss the way he feels so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Yeah... I been feeling the same way but I didn't turn to porn. I thought about getting a vibrator but read that they can desensitize a woman. Don't want that! This gonna sound bad but for the first few weeks after my stbxH left I was horny out of my mind! I must've jilled off about 3x day for several days in a row! That is even without appetite and calories and energy. But it released a lot of tension... I did a lot of crying too, I was a mess. But it really helps to feel all those emotions... and I am not really emotional. No one else is your H... but after a while you won't desire your H anymore. Rebound sex isn't for everyone... I've been debating the pros/cons of it myself. I put a couple pillows beside me at night to snuggle against. I can't tell the difference if it was a real person or not Maybe that will help some. I might not be the most wise person but I hope there is something good in what I'm saying that may help some. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 And porn is not the answer. Its not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 And porn is not the answer. Its not. The pillow idea sounds helpful. This might sound so bad considering my stance on porn and how much it destroyed everything, but I did try it. BLAH! Ever dumb. I watched some and was just like "oh she totally moved away from that hand, he didn't know what the he'll he was doing." to think that years ago I had a problem abstaining from it and now it took over my H's brain. Now it just BLAH. I thought it would at least give me something chemical to go off of, but my template is too set. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 You know what is sad? I feel like I don't give a half-damn about his addiction anymore, I just wish that he would come home. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 You gonna be feeling real restless for some time... I spent a lot of time cleaning and re-arranging things. I would also stare at the wall or ceiling for long amounts of time, or pace like an animal stuck in a cage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 You gonna be feeling real restless for some time... I spent a lot of time cleaning and re-arranging things. I would also stare at the wall or ceiling for long amounts of time, or pace like an animal stuck in a cage. I just feel blank like I don't want to do anything. And I feel like I miss all of the contact that we used to have, just talking about things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 I just feel blank like I don't want to do anything. And I feel like I miss all of the contact that we used to have, just talking about things. At last count I think I am about 13lbs lighter. I haven't been this thin since I was 19 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I guess I could say that I didn't miss the contact with mine when he left, we never really talked much. I would either come home to ranting and raving or him on the phone for 3 hours chatting with his brother. No kidding, my phone bill was typically $400 a month until I switched to digital phone. Got him a cell phone...he would use 900 minutes of the 1200 minute plan...talking about old times and how much he missed them for years. My exH could never live in the present...always lived in the past. At any rate, someone sent me this song today to listen to....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWLdA4Vy_Fw&playnext=1&list=PLD93ABA40FBA0649E Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 I think my H is definitely living in the past, probably thinks that the streets will still have all of his old friends on them and they can all go drinking and screw a bunch of girls. But he's older now, wonder how this will play out.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 I ate my first actual meal today, it has been five days and I have had: a few bites of a Subway sub half of a mango some cut fruit a cup of juice and today: chicken, noodles and some milk. At least I am sleeping okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 I saw my daughter last night for the first time in a few days. Wow! What a happy, cute, soft little angel! I really, really haven't motivation back! She is do wonderful. The sad part is that now that her Dad got the boot for 30 days he would probably be forgetting that same things that I did. He may very well nit even be even lightly touching grief because what triggered grief for me often was going to the same places/seeing his stuff around. Right now he has gone far away and could easily just trick his brain into rebuilding there without finding out that he is grieving terribly for losing his life here (whether it was perfect or not). I think that us why a lot if these guys don't straighten up, every time they feel that longing or pain, they run away and dope themselves on the addiction to not feel anything. I hope the memory of our daughter serves enough that he mat get help. As for me though, I got myself out if bed, took my meds and got ready for work today, so we'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 Work was half blah but went okay. I've just been telling people that my H had to take a sudden out of town trip. I realized today after attending a meeting last night that a lot of the sexual addiction trigger cycle lasts 20 mins and that if you can get yourself through that, your trigger dies down until next time. To think that if my H did attend even just 3 meeting close together that he may have gotten some tools that would have helped regulate it. I find it hard to believe that we weren't worth 20 mins of his time. I know that I am worth more then that. I am surprised that he doesn't realize that he is worth more then that too. 20 mins.....wow. It's strange to think that because he couldn't spend 20 healthy minutes on himself that he loses all of my time. He loses a month (at least) of his daughter's life. How awful. How argument her too. I hate now that I have to take steps to protect us emotionally and financially from someone we love (well actually his demon, not the man himself) and are supposed to be loved by. I hate every single day of this. The only peace is sleep and a bit of work. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I dunno if there is DivorceCare or anything like it in Canada... I live in the Southern USA in the Bible Belt so there are about 3 churches on every road and lots of them have DivorceCare. Dunno if you would be up for that sort of thing but it helps me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 I may not D, been battling that one out (religious reasons). I am in no hurry to get everything else pulled apart either. Just protecting myself legally. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Hi DOT - Divorce Care is available in Canada, and you don't have to be a member of a church or a religion to attend. Just to let you know if you feel you need it in the future. They help you get through the stages, both emotionally and the financial aspects of it. You can find more info at http://www.divorcecare.org/findagroup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 I am saying that I may not divorce due to religious reasons. It's not like I am in a hurry or anything to get into another marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Ah..no problem...I just put it out there since DDG brought it up...just another recovery and support group in case you need it. I started it, but there were bigger issues to conquer than just the divorce so I know how that it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 This is awful, I was so dedicated to putting things back together but the last couple of months I had one foot out the door and really blamed myself. If only I had known. But then if I had known I could have made a real, informed choice instead if him starting fights that he pegged on me. Him saying he was "so fed up of our marriage" and doing so so little to change any of it. I kept saying to him "I strongly, strongly suspect that you are acting out" and he would deny it. But that feeling wouldn't go away. It is brutally cold up here and I am sure he fully blames me for being thrown out in this: BUT HE CHOSE THIS. And I hate the fact that he could be blaming me or the marriage for why life has sucked around here for the past while. We used to be so in love and so close to one another. This thing easily killed any feelings he had for me besides guilt. I hate it so much, walking around and grieving, I hate the fact that there is a good chance that I am the only one in thus relationship to do so. Wouldn't almost daily contact with someone for almost six years plus having a daughter change someone to be more attached to you? Even a little? Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 I don't get it either, I mean this walking away so fast and never looking back. No guilt. No remorse. Or maybe there is guilt and that's exactly why they don't want to look back. Because then they would have to DEAL with the problems they have caused. And they just don't want to take that closer look at themselves. Even if they have to sacrifice parenthood. They just don't want to be confronted. I don't know. Or maybe they just don't care, never have and never will. And maybe they don't even suffer a tiny little bit. Maybe. We will never find out. We can't look inside of them. What they are is what they always have been. And what they were while they were with us was a mere projection of our own wishful thinking. I hope you get better. Slowly but surely. I wish you strength and pride. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Blame is the hardest thing DOT...it's the killer of many relationships where an addiction is involved. It's truly the addiction that is the blame...not you, not the marriage....you had every right to set a boundary....he crossed it...if he is out in the cold, he only has himself to blame....himself and his actions. At the very end of my marriage, my exH tried to blame me for not holding our family together by not throwing him out or threatening to leave him for his drinking....I know now that HE WAS WRONG. It was not my fault, the fault lied solely with him. I did keep my family together as best I could for all of those years, I continued in this life..in the present for my children. He could never relax unless he had a beer in his hand and after 3, the smell reeked from his pores...(perhaps I should add how many times I had to sleep on the couch because he would pee the bed). Don't blame yourself DOT, it's not worth it....I self-blamed for a very long time. You can have empathy for him as he has an addiction...but the addiction is to blame and his lack of self control. Don't worry yourself with what he could be thinking and blaming right now....you really don't know...what he should be thinking is "Boy, how stupid I have been!!". Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 He did tell Me that he didn't think of me sexually for years but I have read time and time again that when these guys get hooked on the porn that they cannot have sexual interests with their wives until they can develop the emotional connection again with their wives and build from there, recovery needs up to two years for that to happen. You just can't have a healthy sexual template without that healing time. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 I dunno what religion you are, but you might could talk to a counselor of your faith and see what they have to say about porn and whether or not it is grounds for divorce. I know that in Baptist religion (the church I go to) pornography is sexual sin, and therefore infidelity. My stbx forsook his duties as a husband to his wife in favor of other women. My counselor described it very well to me as I was confused about it. However, so this doesn't start a religious war, the Bible can be used to justify or not justify things... even contradicting things. But in my heart, my stbxH was cheating on me. It didn't take a Bible to tell me that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 I am a Mormon, but personally I believe: Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. 7They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? 8He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. 9And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. 10His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry. Link to post Share on other sites
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