He chose the addiction

[dreamingoftigers]

It's what they sweeten it with that sucks.

[Duckduckgoose]

peanut butter sucks

 

It's what they sweeten it with that sucks.

 

WTF random

 

How do you know he will acknowledge your ultimatums?

[dreamingoftigers]

There is an 80% chance that he won't. That's on him though.

 

Truth is: I don't think he loves me anymore. Talking to him tonight doesn't want to even talk about healing seperation. Says he plans to work on his issues and then maybe "we'll see." But this doesn't even acknowledge whether or not I actually would want him back after all of this.

 

Quite frankly I do not want to go through any of this ever ever again. On the other hand, if he were to go through the list and do his parts of it he would actually far more resemble the man that I married and I wouldn't really feel so untrusting and I would be in a much more secure position with someone that would come up from the gutter to work on his issues.

 

So whether or not I love the person isn't the issue. I know that I do. I always have and probably always will. Should that crowd out my better judgment? No. Should I risk mine and my daughter's well-being on the quest of love? Never. Would I be willing to put my intimate self on the line for my recovered spouse? Probably. Does this mean that he will recover and want to have that special relationship with me? It doesn't look like it.

 

It was never him I had the problem with. None of this sweetness, even his crabbiness, not his being out of shape or anything like that. It was always the bedroom stuff (because he just wasn't present) and the way I have been lied to and terribly hurt over the fact that he keeps choosing his addiction to the point of destruction. To the point where I have to make decisions between my personal integrity and living with him.

 

It is his behaviour that makes all of the difference, not his personality or intelligence or anything of that nature.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good for you! You need to take care of you so that you can take care of her and that means not letting this man back in your life and putting up with his crap.

 

I resented and hated my mother for a lot of years for not drawing the line for my father. I used to tell my husband before we were married that I pitied whoever I had a child with because that man would be watched like a hawk because of my own father.

 

I pity the fool that messes with my baby! Especially if that fool is her father's demon!

[dreamingoftigers]

WTF random

 

How do you know he will acknowledge your ultimatums?

 

Oh yeah another thing: I did warn him what the consequences were for going out on me again and I don't think he took it seriously. The first night I kicked him out was simply for untrustworthy behaviour that we talked about, he wasn't expecting me to follow-through. I did and I followed through with kicking him out altogether and not accepting his phone calls.

 

Tonight I broke down on NC which means I need to be bullet-proof from now on.

 

Honestly I think he pushed me to the point of throwing him out because he didn't have the guts to go through trying to leave. I think that I came between him and his addiction (plus we did have a lot of conflict) and he wasn't happy. What I think will happen is that he will come to realize that _I_ am not the cause of his unhappiness. But it may take a damn long time.

[IfiKnewThen]

wow i just got done reading your thread. i want you to know i have cut and pasted some of your words of wisdom (from other threads on here i related to ) and emailed some of your input you wrote to others for reference, for myself. i thought you had a lot of good insight..still do : ) . i never read your back story (still haven't) but admired your ability to care about and offer help to, others here on LS.

 

there was a lot to catch up on in your thread here...and i wanted to impart some thoughts as i was reading tonight. some are complete no brainers of course, and i am sure i dont have to tell you...but

 

please stay far away from strangers, on telephones who are willing to meet you at truck stops or anywhere for that matter. you know your daughter couldn't do without you. she needs her Mom to be safe and return home to her...always. people can barely be trusted that we know, let alone strangers. praise God you got out of that situation alive. i know you know better....its dangerous...period...plus std's etc. glad for yours and your daughters sake you didn't go through with it. rage can do a lot to us. i know you were fuming and had all the fun you could stand with your husband. self control is key right now and really in all situations. thats all.

 

please, believe me when i tell you, i don't want to sound preachy or reprimanding when i mention a few things here when i emtion some bible passages. believe me i don't claim to know much at allllllllll. i have been a slow learner in life, i don't throw stones and i have made a billion mistakes. lets be clear on that.

 

so when i talk religion (and i don't know Mormon) i am only sharing my own personal take and interpretations of things, from the few things i have come to ponder in my own religion.

 

i know you spoke of not wanting or believing or desiring divorce. you quoted the bible too. (made sense)

 

but it also says (to my personal knowledge) that Christ said that 27 "You have heard that it was said to those of old, "You shall not commit adultery.'

* 28But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29

 

 

* 31 "Furthermore it has been said, "Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' 32But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery.

 

ok i am NOT going to claim to really understand this, fully. but heres what i was thinking. based on the bible or Jesus' sermon on the mount..it looks like your hubby could have already committed adultery via lust of another woman. that being said..it goes on to say...except for sexual immorality divorcing a woman causes the woman to commit adultery by marrying someone else, if its not because of adultery/ sexual immorality. so if your hubby committed adultery thru lust...that technically could be as someone once said here on LS, "God's green light for divorce".

 

the point of this analogy is not to say ah ha!!! divorce!!! no. i am definitely NOT saying that. (let no man or woman put assunder your marriage...not suggesting it.) but its saying( since you are taking the bible or Gods word into account as you quoted it in this post) it does seem like there is a reason where he appears to leave room where divorce is permissible.

 

i know for my own self, i always loved God all my life and wanted to do right. (still do) (I ended up going horribly wrong however and have my own faults. the thing is my lack of understanding of a lot of things and really not reading the whole bible cover to cover and studying it fully myself, left me quite confused. i still havent read the entire bible. i do now believe God wants us to serve him but our religion or faith has to serve us too. MEANING, he counseled us so that we would suffer less and have better quality lives. we can go all confused about everything..or have lack full knowledge and we cant expect that we will make the right religious based decisions all the time, not having full or complete knowledge. things can get lost in the sauce that dont serve us as God had intended. I know we serve him. but i am saying it was meant to kept us from strife and suffering to hear good counsil.

 

i wanted so badly for my marriage to work out. some things happened i took made bad desicions. i was a vulnerable scared fool and its also not good to operate on fear. have your antena up but not operate on fear. i think. still wanting so badly for it to work out and do right by God, I still did other things that went against him. OK i dont want to confuse you. what i am trying to say is...knowledge is power but we need full and accurate knowledge. lots of religions are different yes. i believe the book of morman has another book that lets say king james version doesn't have ..and so i dont know what your book has in addition to the king james version.

 

not debating religion here at all. the message here is just to get full and the best accurate knowledge as possible. reading all scriptures to get the best sense of what the bible is really trying to tell us...so that we can please God but that our religion can serve us too. NOT SELF SERVING and twisted. just protecting , etc. not tickle our ears mind you but best serve us in a circumstance or before a rough circumstance arises. divert problems.

it sounds like you really want to do right by God . It also sounds like you love your husband...still. so divorce is not your first option. you sound scared of your future without him too..naturally. there are concerns about being with him and without him. you just sound majorly unhappy with the direction your marriage took.

 

honestly, to me it sounds like your husband is passive aggressive big time. he sounds like although he causes a lot of it himself, he fears and loathes confrontation and will avoid it at all costs. ironic because his hiding things is what infuriates you the most, and causes the greatest confrontation. its the lies. i say it all the time. over and over again and it is stated in many relationship books that i admire and relate to as well.......A WOMAN NEEDS TO FEEL SAFE WITH A MAN. SHE CANT BE WONDERING ALL THE TIME WHAT DOES HE "REALLY" think or feel. who is is. will he betray me? is he betraying me? whats really happening in "our lives together.

 

they say men need to feel trusted. so lets say you ask your man to please open a jar of pickles for instance. and then you hand him the jar, and you say "wait, now dont break the jar, and clean your hands before you try to open it, and maybe run the jar under hot water, and maybe tap it with the end of a knife to losen it up the lid... and ......wait wait...use a towel when you hold the jar. dont spill the pickle juice" ...... he.. WONT FEEL TRUSTED.

 

its a crazy cycle but if youre used to instructing him what to do OR if he messed up a lot and you feel compelled to go over things to instruct him so it wont happen again (because you lost confidence in him..could be very very legitimate reasons... he will feel untrusted and scared to say anything. i am NOTTTTTTTTT saying you did this or you created this. no way...no how. i am saying if he didnt make you feel safe a lot of the time opening the jar, ....lets say he banged the jar on the counter, glass went flying...and he made a habit of it...you would come to NOT trust him to do something.

 

he sounds like he doesnt get that fact mentally and emotionally that he perpetuates the situation by HIDING things from you. he wants to be trusted and admired..but hides things. again operating on fear. real or unreal. so passive and then gets aggressive. i am sure you are mad enough that you hate computers by now. but because he hides the fact that he HAS ONE, he makes matters so much worse. he thinks hiding avoids confrontation and explanation and having to account for his actions. easy right. BUZZ, wrong. he is making matters worse. sounds like he has made up his mind not to be told what to do. you don't really want to tell him what to do, you want him to be responsible and honest. he either takes it as a mother figure then losing attraction for you, OR and/or...sees it as a way he can operate on his terms. he says yes yes yes...(maybe) and kinda gets back at you and gets what he wants secretly. aka= passive aggressive in my opinion..from what it "sounds" like. this possible personality type, with an addiction. i am sure he doesn't want to be labeled and resents it like hell too. "addict" .probably in his minds eye this is his escape..his pleasure...and even his payback. but addiction? does he see it this way? probably not. and he might think who cares now..i don't want to be told what to do and not do. or i am in control.

 

he sounds like he doesn't like himself either. these are all truly his hang ups. we can all unknowingly not know what to say or do with someone like this. it can possibly (not always) make matters worse. and everyone telling you its not your fault is true. he is deciding or (knee jerk reacting unknowingly,) to withold information.. in an almost paranoid like way. its selfish too. but he could have passive aggressive personality. it can resemble just giving up.

 

he can misunderstand you at every turn. then when you catch him in lies..you get so frustrated because you feel maybe..................maybe you guys made strides..maybe you can trust him this time. maybe youre am safe. but then BAM, youre not safe, he still being passive aggressive ..also....aka sneaky. and he wants to be trusted. thats what men want almost number one, besides sex. of course there is nurturing and understanding..etc. but like number one is trusted. for us to admire them, trust them to make the right decisions ..do the right thing. a man likes that. but hes doing the opposite of trust building things and making you feel unsafe and then getting upset and its a vicious cycle. i suspect thats ONE problem. then the sexual tension and addiction mixed with that "possible" personality could give way to a more circular lifestyle going nowhere. hes checking out mentally. your exhausted.

 

i dont know..maybe he needs to read men are from mars woman are from venus with nudie pics next to the chapters (to get him interested) on a nook (instead of a computer). with the purchase of only books that can make him see the real difference between the sexes. and that you are NOT meaning to nag him or go ballistic..but that he is perpetuating that very same situation for himself. you can not control this man. he needs help and awareness methinks. you both need to feel safe. i think most all of his feelings of not feeling safe are exaggerated in his mind. but when he feels you bite him or go ballistic...he says to himself...see see....look at her.

 

it seems like two very very different personalities..belief systems...and goals here. as you already know. its sad because seems like there is love but the utter frustration is poisioning it to death. i know i am saying a lot here but it cant be analyzed to death either. no one will likely save the other. its saving oneself with consideration for another. love each other as themselves. but some of this is self loathing. (with him, i think).

 

if there would only be separation through trust...that each is working on themselves, or to work together in harmony. this situation could use prayer. i feel for you.

 

a really good counselor..that both of you have to feel safe with and it may take a few counselors to find the right one. i dont know about sex addiction ...never read much about it....except that he sounds like he needs a 12 step program. and he also has to be sober for anyone to get through to him. so there's a real lot going on... you cant blame or beat yourself up. its all about how did we get to this place. what is each willing to do..and is it more plausible together or apart or at all. like the prayer goes God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot chance ..the courage to chance the things i can and wisdom to know the difference. and honestly the strength to go on and the ability to compartmentalize and take it a bit at a time in order so not to be overwhelmed. i know it sux to have him out there. you suffer too because ..where is he to help you when you need an extra hand? and who do you talk to? it gets lonely. it;s so much like really being between a rock and a hard place. what alternatives are you getting when he cant face talking to you and being up front and honest? your pressure cooker has had it. i do pray he gets to a safe place, sobers up, wakes up. to needs a sober head to get all of this. tell him you love him but you cant take it. then enough said. thinking on it and talking just seems to escalate all. its all been said already. maybe say it in a new way...i dont know. passive aggressive people hear things differently..so do inebriated people. there are no easy fast answers. its exhausting. he is in his body and you in yours. he can only control him and change his thinking and doing..and feeling and belief system in his own being. not you. i am sorry i went on. i wish i had a clear cut answer. it seems to involve so much. but i always say ..love is the answer in all scenarios in the end. and love is patient and kind and etc etc. each has to be loving like in Corinthians..its not easy.

 

then there is the story of when Jesus was looking at a fig tree. i believe it it bared no fruit for 3 years and he did just had the tree wither. now i don't claim to know the meaning of this story and dollar to doughnuts many would see this story in all kinds of ways. he does speak to the disciples saying whatever you ask in faith it shall be done..but for a brief moment i thought....it wasn't baring any fruit and not to give way to it anymore. not saying to ignore your hubby,..but you cant keep fighting the fight of changing him. you can still communicate. but give up the fight. he has to do this for himself. perhaps your daughter. but he has to do it now. if he choices to be a fake to you, he needs to seek help, on his own now. and perhaps... remember.. let the weak say, i am strong. Joel 3:10.

 

all things in the bible were meant to be interpreted a certain way. the question is how do these things apply to us today. how can they best serve us, without tickling our ears but being a genuine help. and then trust and have faith. its tough..but i have to believe something about these principals are really possible and WORK. hang in there. as everyone says here concentrate on the baby. calmly, for your own sanity and lovingly point him in the direction of help to..help himself.and then...don't look back and help yourself. and tell him you need only truth now. and for him to see his part in this too, making it go round and round.. sorry so lengthy. read your thread and was concerned and was wishing there was some way to help.

[trippi1432]

Hugs DOT - you will get there....it's all coming at you in bits and pieces right now, but you are doing fine...good list on the ultimatums. Understandable that you have to break NC once in a while to give him that....but when you do, stick to just discussing your daughter and the progress he has made with verifiable proof.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hugs DOT - you will get there....it's all coming at you in bits and pieces right now, but you are doing fine...good list on the ultimatums. Understandable that you have to break NC once in a while to give him that....but when you do, stick to just discussing your daughter and the progress he has made with verifiable proof.

 

Will try. It us very hard I feel the need to ask if he still loves me. But I know that that is screwed up and it wouldn't matter unless he was actually going to back any of it up and get help.

[dreamingoftigers]

Broke down very hard realizing that all that I was has been replaced at the click of a mouse.

[trippi1432]

Hey DOT - Be kind to yourself....you don't need to ask him if he still loves you. For a person to truly get help with an addiction is because they finally see that they have a problem and they need to really love themselves. In order for them to love anyone else, they have to start there with themselves....and it's usually when they hit rock bottom and see that they have lost it all.

 

In the meantime, you need to worry about you...not him. What you have gone through is a traumatic experience and you need to work on coping with this. Believe me, after my IC the other day, my being able to recall vividly many traumatic experiences at the hands of my exH from 16 years ago up...those stick. (And no to the men, it's not because women remember every little thing you do wrong). It is what happens when your brain cannot register what has just happened as a normal experience. Well adjusted people can experience this years over years until they develop an adjustment disorder because they finally just accept that this is how things are. All in all...it's a total mind f*ck...believe me, the more I learn, the more I see that I was literally "cheated" out of 15 years of what could have been a normal life.

 

What sucks is that I cannot move past anger to forgiveness for my exH...probably never will as there are literally no good memories to be thankful for. (I have to laugh at that because my IC was shocked when I said in a very low voice, "We are going to have to find something else for me to "Let go in love" on that one.....reminded me of the scene from Jaws..."Gonna need a bigger boat".)

 

As you process all of this DOT, it's okay to recall the good things in light of the bad things....it's important to do this because if he does work on this and works on getting better, you won't be harboring this experience to a set back. It's also essential to your long term healing if he does not get better. You need this time for you...limit your contact as much as possible.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you so much for posting. I really needed it tonight. I really felt that his addictioncoloured the early moments with my little one and my pregnancy. That really broke my heart. What addicts don't realize is that there is a very real cost to their "highs" and the cost doesn't just come from them. As my little girl has been at my parent's place everytime she hears the door bell ring she gets very upset when it isn't my husband there to pick her up. How sad for her that her Dad can't show up for her because no one showed up for him and now he can't show up for his own life.

[Duckduckgoose]

Eh don't feel too sorry for him. Let him be the one feeling sorry for himself as he freezes his balls off... you said it was -20 there? Yeah that's really cold... be it centigrade or Fahrenheit.

 

Make him be the one who has to rebuild his life from the ground up, it's grueling and painful. People introspect at those kinds of times. He might find his monster in the closet... or might not.

 

Don't be surprised if he does blame you and make you to be the villain in this situation. Remember that you were the one that stood up for yourself and your beautiful daughter. Of course he wants to make you out to be bad while he is sucking the scum off the bottom of the world right now.

[dreamingoftigers]

I honestly don't think he wants me to feel bad, I think he just wants to feel less bad, wants to be "that Dad, hero of the family" and truly believe that it was my issues that made the marriage unsolvable (in his opinion).

 

It seems kind of like "yeah I got this issue, and I should work on it, but it doesn't impact my ability to be a father and you should be more reasonable about it especially because you have a mental history."

 

I haven't been going mental though. I had something happen with me, but on top of that most of what I have been experiencing is a pretty normal trauma response. And surprise, surprise I kept getting re-traumatized!

 

This last week I have been able to sleep through the night. I haven't been able to do that in so long, I just rest my head on a pillow, and lights out. In fact, I have been catching up on tons of sleep.

 

Nobody is blaming me non-stop for the day's events and I have had a bit of a break to grieve. I still miss and love my husband but I have some good supports in from group and it doesn't feel like the end of the world. Sadly enough it doesn't feel like the end of the world for him to be gone anymore because for the last two months or so he treated me so ****ty that I called a friend about a week before putting him out and bawled my eyes out saying that I didn't think I loved him anymore and that he doesn't touch me ever.

 

I do love my husband, but I sure didn't love that way he treated me at the height of this thing.

 

What he doesn't seem to realize is that our conflicts and myself are not simply going to disappear from his life. In fact, divorce in this case gives him a front-row seat to a ton of unresolved conflict. He is still going to have to learn to deal with conflict with me if he wants to have a part in his daughter's life. Reality check...

 

So essentially he is throwing away all of the good, great supportive parts of our marriage to invite a ****-load of grief and conflict into his life. Very helpful!

[Duckduckgoose]

I honestly don't think he wants me to feel bad, I think he just wants to feel less bad, wants to be "that Dad, hero of the family" and truly believe that it was my issues that made the marriage unsolvable (in his opinion).

 

It seems kind of like "yeah I got this issue, and I should work on it, but it doesn't impact my ability to be a father and you should be more reasonable about it especially because you have a mental history."

 

I haven't been going mental though. I had something happen with me, but on top of that most of what I have been experiencing is a pretty normal trauma response. And surprise, surprise I kept getting re-traumatized!

 

This last week I have been able to sleep through the night. I haven't been able to do that in so long, I just rest my head on a pillow, and lights out. In fact, I have been catching up on tons of sleep.

 

Nobody is blaming me non-stop for the day's events and I have had a bit of a break to grieve. I still miss and love my husband but I have some good supports in from group and it doesn't feel like the end of the world. Sadly enough it doesn't feel like the end of the world for him to be gone anymore because for the last two months or so he treated me so ****ty that I called a friend about a week before putting him out and bawled my eyes out saying that I didn't think I loved him anymore and that he doesn't touch me ever.

 

I do love my husband, but I sure didn't love that way he treated me at the height of this thing.

 

What he doesn't seem to realize is that our conflicts and myself are not simply going to disappear from his life. In fact, divorce in this case gives him a front-row seat to a ton of unresolved conflict. He is still going to have to learn to deal with conflict with me if he wants to have a part in his daughter's life. Reality check...

 

So essentially he is throwing away all of the good, great supportive parts of our marriage to invite a ****-load of grief and conflict into his life. Very helpful!

 

It doesn't matter if you have a mental issue as long as you are getting help and proper meds for it (if its that kind of issue). You can't fault someone who is actively working on their problems. Its the ones that deny they have a problem and blame everyone else that piss me off.

 

And yes his porn problem does affect his ability to be a father. Sort of like any addiction would impact a person's ability to have a healthy relationship, be it with a spouse or a family. Think of a World of Warcraft addiction... people have neglected spouses and family and some kids have died because of this thing! Or alcoholics and drug addicts ripping their lives apart and all the people it hurts! He is not a hero and cannot be a good father while this porn rules his life. Think about it, if it wasn't for the porn he would be there right now with you and your daughter. His porn problem therefore is affecting his ability to be a father cause he is not there right now.

 

Its a little okay to go mental right now... not mental like blow things up or kill people but to scream and release a lot of frustration, its been building up for a while.

 

And good on you for sleeping! Right now I've been having trouble getting a full night's rest, but my appetite is about normal again. I been tossing and turning and then get up before my alarm. I think the sleep part comes and goes for a while.

 

Its def. not the end of the world that he's gone, in fact its the beginning of a whole new one! Keep your support network close, and type here if you get a dry spell but need someone to talk with.

 

You are gonna love him for a while. I have been checking my feelings for my stbxH for a while. I can see how things are diminishing. I know part of me will probably always care for him, but the "love" is not there, and if he were to come tomorrow begging for me back I would have some serious thinking to do but he would most likely be turned down. Once that car is totalled just get a new one. Frame damage can't be repaired.

 

He probably doesn't realize that he's going to have to co-parent and what that entails. In our newspaper every week there is a section called "Bonus Families" that deal with the sticky situations of ex-etiquette. This is the website: http://www.bonusfamilies.com/

 

I used to read the column before stbX left, now I look forward to it, just to see the insight gleaned from wiser minds than mine.

 

Yes he is throwing it all away, and it's not your fault. Sometimes the worst person to deal with is yourself and thats who he is dealing with, if he is not running from himself as well.

[dreamingoftigers]

It doesn't matter if you have a mental issue as long as you are getting help and proper meds for it (if its that kind of issue). You can't fault someone who is actively working on their problems. Its the ones that deny they have a problem and blame everyone else that piss me off.

 

I have been going back to my therapist and attending group meetings. I call my friends when I am feeling too low. When I feel that compulsive behavior urge creeping up on me, outwit it for 20 or do minutes until the stab of grief hits me. The urge to be compulsive is my brain's way of trying not to deal with the pain. I wish that my husband understood that and was willing to get his own help. I may have had a brief psychiatric history, and I don't know why I never thought of thus until now, but aside from having suicidal behaviors that hospitalized me 3 times when I was younger, I still worked, had friends etc. He lived on the street as an alcoholic for over 10 years! I actually was the more functional one!

 

And yes his porn problem does affect his ability to be a father. Sort of like any addiction would impact a person's ability to have a healthy relationship, be it with a spouse or a family. Think of a World of Warcraft addiction... people have neglected spouses and family and some kids have died because of this thing! Or alcoholics and drug addicts ripping their lives apart and all the people it hurts! He is not a hero and cannot be a good father while this porn rules his life. Think about it, if it wasn't for the porn he would be there right now with you and your daughter. His porn problem therefore is affecting his ability to be

a father cause he is not there right now.

 

That's what I find do weird about this whole thing! He still talks to me like it is my issue! He took money from the family when we didn't have electricity to get himself a new masturbation toy! At the very least he could have upgraded our old laptop! Half of the keys are missing! He could have paid an outstanding bill! He could have paid out some of our staff! He could have paid for an accountant visit! He could have opened up an RESP for our daughter! He didn't even need the brand new laptop, he had an older one sitting in the garage that he used and purchased off of an online classified site. It was completely for the live if the addiction over the love of his family, and not just me but our daughter too! Thus very thought pattern has made me realize that I am back on the D track. I don't think that I will look back either. Him and his new laptop can keep the lovin' going if they want.

 

I wanted a new mini-laptop for over two years!

 

Its a little okay to go mental right now... not mental like blow things up or kill people but to scream and release a lot of frustration, its been building up for a while.

 

I went a little mental the night I kicked him out, it doesn't really suit me. And yes for someone like me to be pushed to the brink, I've had it!

 

And good on you for sleeping! Right now I've been having trouble getting a full night's rest, but my appetite is about normal again. I been tossing and turning and then get up before my alarm. I think the sleep part comes and goes for a while.

 

Man if anything I have been catching up on rest.[/b

 

Its def. not the end of the world that he's gone, in fact its the beginning of a whole new one! Keep your support network close, and type here if you get a dry spell but need someone to talk with.

 

Exactly what I have been doing but thanks for the backup! My God, to think he won't commit to a healing separation with me!he has totally blown it, can you imagine having a spouse willing to walk with you through this kind of bull****! What a stupid stupid waste! He didn't even make the smart decision to put me on ice with the Healing Seperation until he could make damn damn sure with a healthy mindset that he didn't want his family anymore!

 

You are gonna love him for a while. I have been checking my feelings for my stbxH for a while. I can see how things are diminishing. I know part of me will probably always care for him, but the "love" is not there, and if he were to come tomorrow begging for me back I would have some serious thinking to do but he would most likely be turned down. Once that car is totalled just get a new one. Frame damage can't be repaired.

 

I think I will just take the single-bus for awhile and get my emotional/financial footing. Build up my relationship with my daughter who is very clearly grieving for Dad as well. Tonight she was going around saying "uh-oh Daddy" and then getting a very mad/depressed look on her face. Her look says it all, and he thinks he can just waltz back in and be her Dad! After everything we have been through, how checked- out he has been acting around her, I don't think so!

 

He probably doesn't realize that he's going to have to co-parent and what that entails. In our newspaper every week there is a section called "Bonus Families" that deal with the sticky situations of ex-etiquette. This is the website: http://www.bonusfamilies.com/

 

I don't think he realizes divorce and how magical that is either! It takes the good out of the relationships and allows the state to govern how often you get to see your kid and how much money you are going to invest in them! It's like a genie that loves to give you the opposite of what you want. He wants his independence and his "sex." and to be free of bring "controlled."

 

The ironic thing us that he has thrown away his freedom to an addiction that controls his mind and choices. He has thrown away the best chance he ever had at an intimate sexual relationship. He is also tossing a lot if his independence by now having whatever his income is going towards a daughter that he probably won't get to see at this rate. And for what? Boobs on the Internet? What else is kind if funny is that I have been overweight my whole teen/adult life. I have lost over 50 lbs and there is no sign of stopping. I am really surprised at the results so far, I am going to be freaking hot! Who knew? And he only got to be married to me during the "fat years" ROFL.

 

I used to read the column before stbX left, now I look forward to it, just to see the insight gleaned from wiser minds than mine.

 

Yes he is throwing it all away, and it's not your fault. Sometimes the worst person to deal with is yourself and thats who he is dealing with, if he is not running from himself as well.

 

Oh trust me, for a fat man he can sure run, you should have seen him the night I WAS crazy! He's run for over ten years from his problems, it's amazing he ever gained an ounce. (that's right I made a far joke at his expense.)

 

I think it is so ironic that he does not trust me! I never would have betrayed him like this. The worst thing I did to him was tell his parents our business at our absolute low point 1.5 years ago and then I told him that I didn't because I knew he would have left me.

 

At least now I know that he wouldn't do barely anything to save our family, because he has had two years and tons of resources to do so and has done a grand total of: 3 weeks of recovery, read one book that he never did anything with, lied to five therapists, and briefly looked at Relationship Rescue. I could gave done all that (and did) in 3 weeks (except for lie to all of the therapists). I wasn't even worth 3 minutes a week if honesty from him! He said it was because I couldn't handle it!

 

How would he even know? I wasn't given it! He never once told me he had a porn relapse or slip! Not once! I was never even given the chance not to handle it! It's just an excuse for saying, "if I tell you then I might have to deal with the conflict of having an addiction or having a family, or I might have to admit to myself that there is something wrong with this and I don't want to have to stop."

 

He still hasn't stopped! How do I know? He says he "plans to work on issues." plans. Not working on them, not "I have stopped because I lost everything." but I "plan to." just like he "wants a healthy family" just not this one, or one where he has to be honest, or one he has to give up his addiction to be part of.

 

Just one that magically appears! Ironically enough he us having a family that is so close to the family that he wanted magically disappearing!

 

I bet I can find a healthy partner because I am still so young!

[dreamingoftigers]

My sister's birthday tonight felt a little weird because we just had my brother's birthday 11 days ago and it was almost identical except without my H. As well, that was the last time I have any photos of him. He was so checked out and withdrawn looking.

[dreamingoftigers]

I just realized that today was Family Day, it made me so blue all over again.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have come up with two incredible options. This doesn't mean that I want the marriage or even very much to do with him because if the damage caused, but I have nit given up on the person yet. There are still dome very viable ( and one even easy way) to potentially beat his demon.

 

My kid may be able to have a healthy, loving Dad.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am still screwed up. I realize that now. I broke NC and we talked for quite awhile tonight. I should have left at 8 but didn't get home until after midnight. I threw way too much emotionally into things. Way way way too too much into things and I seriously have to stop overfunctioning in that way!

[marqueemoon4]

I am still screwed up. I realize that now. I broke NC and we talked for quite awhile tonight. I should have left at 8 but didn't get home until after midnight. I threw way too much emotionally into things. Way way way too too much into things and I seriously have to stop overfunctioning in that way!

 

you're making it way too easy on him.. c'mon follow all the great advice you've given

[dreamingoftigers]

you're making it way too easy on him.. c'mon follow all the great advice you've given

 

I know, ****!

 

I just need to find my inner strength and remind myself that taking care of any of his emotional needs or to try to get someone so out of touch with themselves to try to take care of mine is just totally dysfunctional! And won't help anything or encourage him to get well. It also shows that I don't have any faith in him to get better. And even if I do or don't, that kind of portrayal is pretty damaging.

 

****!

[Duckduckgoose]

Cut those emotional strings with him the sooner he's totally cut loose the better. Better for you and your daughter that is. Its not your concern if he feels like **** or like worthless and stupid failure. Your concern is you and your daughter and moving forward to something better.

 

Negotiating with him is like beating your head against a brick wall sooooo not worth it.

 

If nothing else, do the 180 technique on him. I dunno what it is exactly but others here do. Let him only see you looking good, feeling good even if you are faking it so bad.

[dreamingoftigers]

Gonna try 180 just to take better care of myself.

 

Need to get back to exercising more and being more regular with my meds!

[Duckduckgoose]

I don't know what its like in Canada, but here there are lots of paved walking trails that moms push strollers on, either walking or jogging behind them.

 

These are milf moms. Maybe you could do something like that?

 

Some also have a little buggy they pull behind their bikes with the kids in it. There are so many hot moms out there:p

 

They call them greenways or land trust trails here. Some moms take their kids with them to the gyms cause gyms have daycare... especially gyms affiliated with churches.

[dreamingoftigers]

My church has a free Zumba class ( I don't know WTF Zumba is though). There is very very often childcare.

 

The big challenge now is minimizing the impact to my cute little daughter. And rebuilding any business I might have lost, quite a challenge!

 

My h and I have been talking the last couple of days. There have been good moments and bad, as well as a Seperation Agreement made. Since ihsce been back on meds for a solid two days I have evened out quite a bit. My nerves are still somewhat raw ( maybe I should go treat myself to a massage!). At least now there feels like some sort of direction.