He chose the addiction

[denise_xo]

Certain monsters have to be killed off in order to clear the road leading forward... even if it's very painful as it happens.

[Duckduckgoose]

Don't even look in the rearview mirror as you flip that monster the bird. Let it bleed out in the street, maybe another car will finish killing it.

 

*ka-thump*

[trippi1432]

Well, if you figure out how to kill that monster, let me know....battled Jeckyl Hyde for 15 years and it was not a picnic. I remember who I used to be before all of that now, the battle to get back to her after going that long with someone with an addiction....a long one.

 

My exH had a very different life than me growing up DOT, but I always told him that we have within ourselves to see the patterns and change them for the better....you will. You have a very good head on your shoulders and you see those patterns....new paths can be made everyday. We all have it within ourselves to see it differently than how it was handed to us.

[dreamingoftigers]

He was so interested in being a parent and changing those patterns with me.

 

My daughter is truly all I have. That is so so so so so messed up.

 

I am in a fog on a different planet today because my life cannot possibly be happening to me.

 

there is no way in the world that i have a husband that got taken over by a pornography-alien to the point where he is going to parking lots to meet it.

 

there is no way that i have a daughter that needs me

 

my life is not happening

 

either my life was a good dream or this is a bad dream because the two can't co-exist.

 

my business has fallen apart. i have no one to fill shifts with me anymore.

 

Happy Valentine's Day

Edited February 14, 2011 by dreamingoftigers
addtional information

[dreamingoftigers]

I took a look through our photos that have been taken and noticed something almost shocking. For the last little bit, even when he is with our daughter he seems just completely withdrawn even pissed off.

[hopesndreams]

My daughter is truly all I have.

 

You are the only loving parent she has.

 

A truck stop? Seriously? Where would your daughter be if you met up with some murdering nutjob? There is NO EXCUSE for that type of irresponsible behaviour. Nor the violent outburst of biting his cheek! Ending up dead or going to jail--that's up to you!

 

He's just a pathetic excuse for a human being. Your life will be bliss without him! Be patient and kind to yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

My daughter is truly all I have.

 

You are the only loving parent she has.

 

A truck stop? Yes. Seriously? Yes. Where would your daughter be if you met up with some murdering nutjob? With her grandparents getting the rest of her life ****ed up in new and interesting ways. There is NO EXCUSE for that type of irresponsible behaviour. Thanks for the update. Nor the violent outburst of biting his cheek! Yup, understand that too, thanks very much. Nor was there any great excuse following and yelling after him like a ****ing psycho just in case you missed that part. Ending up dead or going to jail--that's up to you! Glad I have at least two options.

 

He's just a pathetic excuse for a human being. Your life will be bliss without him! Be patient and kind to yourself.

 

Is this what bliss feels like, kinda disappointed. And yeah, we are both still human beings. Issues, screwed up thinking and all.

 

I'll work on the patience and kindness thing.

[hopesndreams]

Is this what bliss feels like, kinda disappointed. And yeah, we are both still human beings. Issues, screwed up thinking and all.

 

I'll work on the patience and kindness thing.

 

Best to work on being a human being without issues and screwed up thinking then. Just sounds like more excuses.

 

As for the bliss, that happens once you get your act together. When you are no longer upset, angry and devastated over losing a cowardly, selfish man who you allowed to drag you down and in the process make yourself feel worthless and lose your self-respect.

[dreamingoftigers]

Best to work on being a human being without issues and screwed up thinking then. Just sounds like more excuses.

 

As for the bliss, that happens once you get your act together. When you are no longer upset, angry and devastated over losing a cowardly, selfish man who you allowed to drag you down and in the process make yourself feel worthless and lose your self-respect.

 

Perhaps you should take a look at everything we both have been through in the last year before you start accusing people of taking license wherever we feel.

 

I am not making excuses for him or myself. But yes, we are screwed-up and **** doesn't unstink overnight. Bliss will come when I know within myself that I am making the right choices to fix up my life, which I am trying to do now. Hanging onto shame from my past actions or his isn't going to help anyone. I pointed out our humanity because of the way you came down on me.

 

Is there not any evidence of the conviction I have felt to not chase after the murderous nut-job and cheek biting urges of my personality?

 

But yes, for now, I have suffered a loss. That loss may not be understandable to someone on the outside looking in. I have suffered a loss of hope that the man I love was becoming someone trustworthy and respectable. I had faith in that and was willing to support the efforts he made. I had been unsupportive in the past and wasn't going to make the same mistake again.

 

In fact, kicking him out with nothing is also my way of showing him the only real love that I can right now while also loving myself. I could have assauged my own worries about where he is or what he will do by giving him a cellphone, our vehicle and access to our money if wanted needed anything. That would have been far more comfortable to me.

 

I wouldn't even allow him to sleep in the car overnight because he needs to know that his addiction and our family cannot be under the same roof, especially for the sake of his daughter. He will never get better if I were to stand in the way of his obvious consequences.

 

To this very moment I actually 60% want him to come home just to have a hug and be held by him. I know in my heart that he would actually do that now and that he wants to see his daughter more then ever. I will not email him and ask him that. I will not use him to fill my ridiculous emotional template.

 

Plus I also know it would only be temporary and my emotional state would break down. I could even invite him back to live with his addiction and give it full permission to exist if he would just be with me. But what would that ever achieve? We would never be truly connected as husband and wife. I am not willing to throw myself under the bus that way. Besides he would not respect me enough to stay with me anyways.

 

The fact that I was even able to kick him out is huge for me. I have always struggled with maintaining my boundaries when he tries to convince me that what I am seeing and feeling isn't real. I maintained them and messed up other things. What am I to do now? Hang my head in shame forevermore? No. I ****ed up. I also don't expect any level of perfection from myself after suffering two years of constant trauma. Neither should anyone else.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have only been away from him for two days and already I feel less pressure. I know that all of this wasn't my fault for but being able to fill sky-high expectations when he could not be honest with me for 3 minutes a week!

 

I think when we met that we showed each other a lot of compassion and license which was rare for both of us being from dysfunctional backgrounds. I had no natural boundaries and he had rather few. The bond we held was all-consuming but fragile because neither one of us ever learned to deal with the inevitable fact that we would hurt one another. Every relationship has hurt, but not every relationship responds with blame and shame.

 

Clearly he was the type of man that could allow addiction to consume a large chunk of his time. He was a homeless alcoholic for ten years. It was almost an addiction time-bomb for him to go back to it again. His biological mother succumbed at ten years older then he will be turning next month. She was an addict as well that didn't get it together until the twilight of her life, and accounts vary on that as well. I met my H 18 months after he death.

 

I think that as he quit drinking he discovered that he did not know himself, and I was there to give him an identity. I was someone that needed to be taken care of, I was sexually charged and I was so so happy to have someone that felt so good and was so smart and friendly with such potential. I had never met anyone so carefree. That changed. Adjusting to regular life, finances, a regular sex life and the demands of a marriage took its toll. He often said to me that he couldn't bs himself around me. I didn't know what he was referring to. What was it I was blocking? I don't think even he knows because he was still so full of shame that he never found out who he was before venturing out on another addiction.

 

I miss him, he had such a good full heart, but he couldn't see his own responsibility and I couldn't see mine either. I never knew how to form and gently keep a warm loving connection with someone and I still don't. I miss how smart he is and how we could do little fun things together. I like how he would make adventurous Indian dishes. I miss the way we would cuddle whenever we would watch tv or a movie ( which we never did often enough).

I love how wonderful he was to our daughter, Joe they would hug and play together. All of these things were wonderful but I couldn't livevwith that lack of honesty and in the end, the lack of affection.

 

I can feel myself getting over and through this faster then I thought that j would and it actually makes me sad. I wanted to believe that my love was so great that I would never get past it. My love is and was great, but refusing to live the rest of my life because of it won't help anyone, not me, not our daughter, and not even him. I will always feel tinges that I miss him like when I see place we have been or think of lying in bed together looking into to each other's eyes. I guess it helps to know that he killed those bonding hormones out of himself and probably feels nothing for me. Except perhaps resent for me being in the way of his addiction.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have had the return of my will to fix things for myself. I am not letting his disease negotiate the terms of my life anymore.

 

I hope that he gets well and gets the help and support he needs.

 

Its my turn to go get mine.

[sb129]

I have had the return of my will to fix things for myself. I am not letting his disease negotiate the terms of my life anymore.

 

I hope that he gets well and gets the help and support he needs.

 

Its my turn to go get mine.

 

 

Atta girl.

[dreamingoftigers]

And now I feel really blue

 

But tomorrow is another day.

[Duckduckgoose]

You're gonna feel sick to your stomach for a long time, I still am sometimes. I lost a lot of weight that I didn't need to lose (already skinny), and a lot of muscle from not eating and exercising.

 

I am now getting some of my appetite back, and being able to get some muscle back too.

 

Just dress like you're hot stuff for a while, it helps you feel better... cause right now your feelings are taking 80% of your energy which is gonna leave you exhausted.

[dreamingoftigers]

You're gonna feel sick to your stomach for a long time, I still am sometimes. I lost a lot of weight that I didn't need to lose (already skinny), and a lot of muscle from not eating and exercising.

 

I am now getting some of my appetite back, and being able to get some muscle back too.

 

Just dress like you're hot stuff for a while, it helps you feel better... cause right now your feelings are taking 80% of your energy which is gonna leave you exhausted.

 

I don't feel sick to my stomach anymore. That is the way I felt everytime I discovered something new when I thought he had stopped using. I just oscillate between feeling my heart ache and wanting to see him and also just feeling like being in a fog.

 

I got an email today from someone saying essentially that I was trying to control his sexuality and that is where everything is stemming from. That to label him a sexual addict is manipulative etc. I thought about it for awhile and truly wondered if I was just trying to suppress his sexuality out of my own jealous issues.

 

I think maybe at first when I didn't realize more of what was going on. But I truly believe that he couldn't be intimate with me while putting his energy into all of that other stuff. He couldn't appreciate sex with me because it didn't give him the same high, it even made just the day to day loving stuff seem blah.

 

I miss him, I truly do. If it is controlling to want him to get better, then I guess I am controlling, but so what, everything in that regard is so out of control anyways. I really do believe that he would start conflicts to feel justified in getting his drug. I resented him not loving me enough to even truly try to stop. As far as I saw he wasn't trying, now I think that he might have been. He just couldn't resolve giving up the high.

 

I never wanted someone to feel trapped with me, I don't know how one would show they care all the time while their partner is not honest with them. He says that I wouldn't have reacted well to the truth, but the truth is that I always caught him in the lie, he never came to me with the truth, he didn't even try to. I wish things had been so different. I still love him and it hurts to say that. I wish I either didn't love him or he had been honest at the very least. I miss who we used to be with each other. I wish that I could have shown him that I still care about him and do it in a way that doesn't make him feel trapped or guilted. I wish we could just have a family, but wishing doesn't make things come true.

[dreamingoftigers]

Today I do not think that I am strong enough to go through this anymore.

 

I cannot raise my kid by myself and she is better off with her grandparents. I am simply not able to get my **** together because I am so overwhelmed with grief.

 

I can't believe that I tried to save this for so long and that I might have been poisoning it for so long. What if it really did collapse because of the shaming and the fact that he just couldn't be honest with me without me being a ****ing abusive spaz? My last ex left because I was unliveable.

 

What if he is just a normal guy and I caused our sex life to be a nightmare by being a demanding nutjob to the point where I influenced this kind of action. What if I am really just like his mother with her moody, nutty controllingness?

 

What if I do that to my kid? OMFG!

 

I just want to get in my car a drive far away, but it won't start and I don't have the money to fix it.

 

I can't believe my family has fallen apart, it was the one thing I wanted in life was a happy family! I am such a ****ty person that I can't have a family. I can't keep a guy around with my demanding, psycho nature. Who the **** bites someone? And chases them around yelling at them and shaming them for their issues?

 

I became a monster to the people I loved the most. I hate myself.

[dreamingoftigers]

Today I do not think that I am strong enough to go through this anymore.

 

I cannot raise my kid by myself and she is better off with her grandparents. I am simply not able to get my **** together because I am so overwhelmed with grief.

 

I can't believe that I tried to save this for so long and that I might have been poisoning it for so long. What if it really did collapse because of the shaming and the fact that he just couldn't be honest with me without me being a ****ing abusive spaz? My last ex left because I was unliveable.

 

What if he is just a normal guy and I caused our sex life to be a nightmare by being a demanding nutjob to the point where I influenced this kind of action. What if I am really just like his mother with her moody, nutty controllingness?

 

What if I do that to my kid? OMFG!

 

I just want to get in my car a drive far away, but it won't start and I don't have the money to fix it.

 

I can't believe my family has fallen apart, it was the one thing I wanted in life was a happy family! I am such a ****ty person that I can't have a family. I can't keep a guy around with my demanding, psycho nature. Who the **** bites someone? And chases them around yelling at them and shaming them for their issues?

 

I became a monster to the people I loved the most. I hate myself.

 

OKay, I just realized and thank God, that if I don't find a way to stop obsessing over this and put it behind me that I am going to lose every other thing in my life, which may not feel like a big deal right now because I am depressed. But it is.

 

It is a big deal and if I ever want to feel better again I have to get past this awful feeling. I cannot change anything that I have done, I cannot change anything that my husband has done. I can only change what mine and my daughter's future looks like.

 

And I better get on it.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am not asking him for child support. Either he's in or he's out or her life, none of that ambiguous "your mother never let me see you so I sent as much money to make sure you were always taken care of."

 

No excuses. If he wants to be a dad he can own it. If he wants to be a deadbeat he can own that too. Financially, I will pull though one way or another.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess that all I need to do now is to find a way to fix my car, go back to work and start eating again (On the bright side, I lost weight and am down to 248, thinnest I have been in two years.) I stopped keeping my weight-loss log because I started bingeing and was embarassed by it and I wasn't losing anymore weight even though I don't think I gained either. Maybe I did, hard to remember. But I know I didn't go past my starting point for sure. I have lost about 10 lbs in 3-4 days. I am sleeping better though.

 

Maybe all I need to do is go through this get back together - abandonment cycle and then I won't have a weight problem anymore.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You can get through this. It is very hard and it usually seems impossible that the awful part will someday be in your past, but it really will be.

 

I left my ex when I was pregnant due to his addiction. I had the baby and raised her alone until she was almost 5, and he came back wanting to be in recovery.

 

14 years later, he chose his addiction again. It devastated me, our daughter, and financially it was ruinous. If my family had not helped me I don't really know how we would have come out of just that part - not even mentioning the horrible black emotional pit I was in for so long.

 

I guess I was kind of lucky that my mom, who had Alzheimer's, needed to be taken care of. I did not like that or want to do it, but it gave my life enough structure that was outside of myself that I was able to gradually come back alive again.

 

Now it has been about 5 years. He has remarried, is still a practicing addict, and he messes around evilly with our now adult daughter. Once in a while I still get a reminder of the financial ruin. Honestly, once in a while I still miss what "used to be" or what "could have been" though I am happy in a healthy relationship with a man who has a strong and ethical character. There was something very compelling within my relationship with my ex. That something is an unhealthy thing that I was always attracted by. I do not indulge in these thoughts but they do sneak in when my guard is down, when something reminds me, or whatever.

 

But the GOOD news that I am wanting to communicate to you is that life DOES go on. YOU can have a good life. You have to choose to walk away from that sickness regardless of what binds you. And you have to take care of the daily life needs of you and your daughter. The little steps required to do those things will be walking you slowly but surely in a different direction.

[dreamingoftigers]

The money would be to help you make your daughter's life the best it can be. It isn't to absolve a parent of actually giving some of their time to their child. But you have to make your own choices. Just think of your daughter. The more financial assistance you get from him, the less time you'll have to spend on a job away from her. It may keep you from having to take two jobs just to make ends meet.

 

I'll keep us at a lower standard of living with a smaller place and cheaper food to eat before I sacrifice time with her.

[dreamingoftigers]

You can get through this. It is very hard and it usually seems impossible that the awful part will someday be in your past, but it really will be.

 

I left my ex when I was pregnant due to his addiction. I had the baby and raised her alone until she was almost 5, and he came back wanting to be in recovery.

 

14 years later, he chose his addiction again. It devastated me, our daughter, and financially it was ruinous. If my family had not helped me I don't really know how we would have come out of just that part - not even mentioning the horrible black emotional pit I was in for so long.

 

I guess I was kind of lucky that my mom, who had Alzheimer's, needed to be taken care of. I did not like that or want to do it, but it gave my life enough structure that was outside of myself that I was able to gradually come back alive again.

 

Now it has been about 5 years. He has remarried, is still a practicing addict, and he messes around evilly with our now adult daughter. Once in a while I still get a reminder of the financial ruin. Honestly, once in a while I still miss what "used to be" or what "could have been" though I am happy in a healthy relationship with a man who has a strong and ethical character. There was something very compelling within my relationship with my ex. That something is an unhealthy thing that I was always attracted by. I do not indulge in these thoughts but they do sneak in when my guard is down, when something reminds me, or whatever.

 

But the GOOD news that I am wanting to communicate to you is that life DOES go on. YOU can have a good life. You have to choose to walk away from that sickness regardless of what binds you. And you have to take care of the daily life needs of you and your daughter. The little steps required to do those things will be walking you slowly but surely in a different direction.

 

I am sorry that this happened to you. I really feel that I drove him away a lot. I just hated what the addiction did to him. He is on the run again.

 

I thought that I had to reset his email to get a new AppleID on the phone and so I did it and then it turned out the two are not linked, now I have lost the only branch of communication that happens with him whatsoever. I hope that he would check facebook in the case of an emergency with myself or our daughter.

 

I don't believe him that he only stayed in our marriage not to hurt me. I think that sounds just so irrational. I truly think that he will find the addiction empty eventually.

 

Years ago, my ex and I broke up and I felt that if I outwaited all of his doubts that we would get back together. This did end up happening but I resented that he left in the first place and he ended up leaving in a way I had no control over.

 

I think I repeated the cycle, I just keep feeling that if I wait long enough he may realize how special I am to be willing to go with him on this journey. The truth is, he doesn't want my company anymore and may have very well been only staying not to hurt us, and resenting me for it the whole time. I would hate to think that is the truth. I would like to think that he did love me but that he screwed up his brain and priorities by focusing on the addiction.

 

I truly wish that things were so very different. I wish we could all stand together like a family is supposed to. It is cold days like this that I wish I could be by him and we could go to a hotel and take a hot shower and warm up together. I miss those days like I miss a piece of myself.

 

As the relationship got more negative I began to withhold some of the more positive things we did together, like showering or watching movies. I must have hurt him quite a bit and really regret it now. In fact, I am the one that starting moving away from cuddling him in bed when I found out about his activities. It went beyond that, even as he tried recovery I would sometimes do that. I think I wanted to show him what he was losing but all that it did was cause resent, and he backlashed too. We blew a hole in our relationship together, addiction or no.

 

Now all that is left is this pain, unrequited love and the feeling that I wish we had at least cuddled more or gone out for more walks or something. I wish that I hadn't been so depressed by everything this last year that I didn't wreck what moments we did have together.

[trippi1432]

DOT - It's not controlling that you want him to get better, but it's also beyond your control as well. You did the right thing to set a boundary in your marriage, it was communicated to him, it was discussed thoroughly as to being an issue in your marriage and to how you felt yourself...how it affected the marriage.

 

He chose this, not you...and you WILL rebuild from this. Just keep telling yourself what you already have:

 

"I cannot change anything that I have done, I cannot change anything that my husband has done. I can only change what mine and my daughter's future looks like."

 

More strength in that than you know.

 

Hugs to you and T!!

Edited January 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you,

 

I know that the final choice was his, but I sure didn't have a series of good choices myself and I didn't make it any easier for him.

 

What does rebuild even look like?

 

To reach a goal you must have one: so what should rebuild even look like?

[dreamingoftigers]

Was having the boundary worth it?

 

I don't know.

 

Was it worth not being stuck in the same co-dependent cycle as my own parents and not accepting that for life? I don't know.

 

Should I have allowed the addiction to have a presence in this house? It wasn't illegal after all. Or was it something that had to go?