Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) who knew I was so emotionally weak?!? not me thats for sure. fail at day 7.. txt how my son was. he's fine. then asked if there was a possibility we could could communicate positively in the future. no response. i suck. you'd think my critical thinking skills would be sharper as I have a BA in communications! Edited March 2, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Reread post #99 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Reread post #99 good isn't it? now if i could be happy accepting those things Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 from what I understand, you make the changes and then you become happy. You have to take the leap of faith first. I have yet to do this, so let me know how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 Well, I thought the knowledge that she doesn't care about me, is cold, and is NOW LIVING WITH ANOTHER GUY would be enough for my insides to say-- "you know what, its time to move on 100%". What more do I need her to do? What more evidence do I need that she is GONE? You're making yourself look like a fool.. you need to get healthy and MOVE ON. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 how about some feedback from someone other than DoT Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 I probably won't ever get a chance to set the record straight from my perspective with this person. Come to terms with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 I found this on Yahoo Questions, thought it was a pretty solid answer: "When will we, mortal humans, realize that it's easier to just NOT do dumb things, then to try to fix the damage we did later? You can't "fix it". Either she will forgive you or she won't. If she does, you better consider yourself DARN lucky and learn from this mistake and NEVER repeat it again. If she doesn't, you STILL better consider this a valuable lesson in what NOT to do, and never do it again. Every action comes with a direct consequence good or bad, and that's just how it rolls. The pain will probably NEVER go away for either of you. It just gets a little easier to deal with, as time goes on. One thing I've learned from life is there is no greater cost than losing one's own sense of dignity and self trust. Being able to "sleep with yourself" at night is worth more than money can buy. We can escape other people, but wherever WE run, THERE WE ARE. You have to wait it out. The ball's in her court now. She has the right to forgive you OR move on, and you lost your right to empathy when you made your decision to hurt her. The good news is, you can still redeem yourself, even if it's not with her. Learn the lesson, and then move on." Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 I found this on Yahoo Questions, thought it was a pretty solid answer: "When will we, mortal humans, realize that it's easier to just NOT do dumb things, then to try to fix the damage we did later? You can't "fix it". Either she will forgive you or she won't. If she does, you better consider yourself DARN lucky and learn from this mistake and NEVER repeat it again. If she doesn't, you STILL better consider this a valuable lesson in what NOT to do, and never do it again. Every action comes with a direct consequence good or bad, and that's just how it rolls. The pain will probably NEVER go away for either of you. It just gets a little easier to deal with, as time goes on. One thing I've learned from life is there is no greater cost than losing one's own sense of dignity and self trust. Being able to "sleep with yourself" at night is worth more than money can buy. We can escape other people, but wherever WE run, THERE WE ARE. You have to wait it out. The ball's in her court now. She has the right to forgive you OR move on, and you lost your right to empathy when you made your decision to hurt her. The good news is, you can still redeem yourself, even if it's not with her. Learn the lesson, and then move on." My ex-fiancee broke off our engagement and blindsided me. Never expressed any dissatisfaction with the r/l or me. How can you make sense of a situation where five days before you get dumped, your ex is telling you what kind of engagement ring she wants? You can click on my user profile and read my story if you want. It's been almost five months and I can tell I've made progress. Yet the pain is still there. One thing I've had a hard time with lately is the likelihood that we will never get back together, I will never get any kind of validation from her over how special our r/l was, and she will never reach out to me to express any sort of contrition or regret over how she treated me. So what I tell myself to deal with that is I will replace her, I will get validation from myself, and I will forgive her so an apology from her isn't necessary. I can tell that she emotionally shut down, compartmentalized her feelings, and has shunned me as a way of blocking it all out so she can avoid having to deal with any painful feelings or emotions associated with me and the breakup. It's not that I wish her a painful life, or even the idea that "karma is gonna get her." But I do find myself wanting her to endure appropriate consequences for her decision to hurt me. Whatever is fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 I go back and forth on whether I wish my ex the best or I think she deserves karmic repercussions. I don't know what ill will towards her at this point would accomplish, so I, like you have to forget the past and work on making the future as positive as possible. Funny thing is.. from her perspective I didn't spend much time with her and my son when we were together, and now that we're separated and she's moved on I just won't go away quietly. I guess using my powers of empathy that must be pretty annoying. I still don't agree with her living with another guy and having our son sleep there. I have a right to know where and who my son is living with. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 I am bumping up this quote below, because it is so TRUE and worth re-reading. I don't want it to get buried. Excellent insight, dreamingoftigers. See, just reactionary get-your-goat stuff. She isn't going to validate your existence as a human being so don't let it eat you alive. Here's kind of how co-dependency has worked (IME): Girl with low self-esteem hooks up with screwed-up/angry/controlling (insert character flaw here, essentially) kind of guy figuring: If he and I have not had that wonderful love connection then he will think that I am so special because I love him so easily. He doesn't have to work hard or jump through a bunch of hoops or be controlled by me, he just has to walk over this lowered bar to get to me, lucky him. To this kind of girl the template for her is usually written that love is brutally hard to get. I am guessing her family isn't exactly super-functional either, probably a pretty reactive bunch, (if Timmy swears he gets yelled at or ignored or the rest of the night kind of thing). So what this girl does is give you what looks to be a "gift": lots and lots of attention, affection, loyalty, time and availability. All for "free" or "low cost." Now you being guy with some kind of character flaw usually sees: if she's willing to give all of that, what else can I get away with? Usually impulse control goes a little wonky. Not only that but you fail to realize what isn't spoken: all of that loving etc. is not a "gift" it is a "loan." Co-dependent lovers are the ultimate high interest credit card. Every time you cross a little boundary or fail to love her "with interest" she racks it up on the debt that you already owe her. In the end she expects it to all balance out: didn't she give you that love and affection (no questions asked) when you seemed to need it the most? So that should mean that she is going to get a hefty return. Right? Especially if you took advantage or lost your temper or acted out of line, all of that goes on the accumulated debt and interest. Eventually she realizes that not only are you not repaying the loan, but even that it might be impossible. It probably doesn't help that you don't realize it even is a loan to begin with. You can't figure out why someone so giving in the beginning is being so demanding now. The reason the debt is getting called in now is that she was looking at emotional bankruptcy. She was getting exhausted giving out above and beyond what she should have emotionally. She realized that her own account was getting emptied with not enough return coming in (you didn't realize that you were supposed to be paying with interest). If she couldn't have gotten the interest etc. within the relationship, she will refill her emotional state by making steps to push you into reactivity and insanity. Basically if she couldn't make you love her the way she wanted you to in the relationship, she'll drain those emotions right back out of you by making you crazy or hurting you as much as she can (while protecting her own investments.) Have you ever been a victim of a marketing scheme, you know the kind of thing like: try this FREE today, or NO PAYMENTS FOR A WHOLE YEAR. Anyone who is cynical knows that those companies have a latch, they are expecting something back. The interest is accumulating or something. Relationships are the same way. If you are looking for a woman, you want to make sure that she is more of a savings account with investments instead of a high-interest credit card. She gives herself a certain percentage (meets her own needs first) before investing in you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 srsly... that is so my relationship/marriage..... 100% Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 marqueemoon4: well, I've read this entire thread from top to bottom, and let me just say - I'm there with you. I go back & forth between trying to figure out if there's a sliver of hope, or if I will ever get to tell my side of the story, etc. Fact is, our women fell into the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. They were Jekyll when it was to their advantage, and now they're Hyde. And any iota of longing from you or me is gonna turn them *right off*. So you have to ask yourself: what are you fighting for if she's not fighting for the same thing whatsoever? The answer bubbles up within the question itself, sad to say. I've recently had to train myself AGAIN to deal with LC (since we have 2 kids together)--or rather NC re us, but LC re the kids. Everything you've said here, I've encountered, right down to her almost diabolical thrill of seeing you (me) in torment. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) srsly... that is so my relationship/marriage..... 100% mine too! And another thing you stated earlier, that I related to: my wife came from a screwy family that had burnt her, and hence loaded her up with 'trust issues' well before we met; and my folks have been solidly married for 40+ years. Their marital longevity is something I've always aspired to, maybe even took for granted too. I just assumed that you worked through stuff, never realizing that there are some women in this world who will cut things off if things aren't just so. And the other thing that gets me (forgive my soapbox tangents) - I really believe in our wedding vows. 'Til death do us part is a sacred pact to me, something to be protected at all costs. The fact that I took this holiest of vows in front of God and lots of people seems to mean zilch to her. Blows my f*cking mind. Edited March 3, 2011 by worldgonewrong Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 dude... the marriage is SOOOO over. And honestly, I'm the dumbest f*ck on the planet for even wanting her back. I've made myself look crazy, ridiculously needy, totally unstable, depressed, and basically made it look like she made the best decision of her life for leaving. Hindsight is 20/20, but really, I have to remember to take her OFF the pedestal.. yea she is hot and all and looks the best I've seen her since we met in 02, but she SUCKED AS A WIFE. She is ALL ABOUT HER. She can't appreciate anything anyone does for her and has the most inflated sense of entitlement I've ever seen. She can't communicate for sh*t, has major daddy issues she'll never, ever address, and will only tell the truth if it BENEFITS HER. Outside of that she'll lie at the drop of a hat. Oh and did I mention she HATES MY GUTS?? And she's the type who uses people up, tosses them aside and moves onto the next sucker?? Well she does. F*CK HER sorry im a tad bitter today. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 sorry im a tad bitter today. totally understandable, man! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 oh and WGW... I too was all like "hey what about our vows?? I thought you believed in God (I'm not very religious)??" For better or for worse? No "hey we need to talk?" or "hey I'm really, really unhappy, we need to do something?" No, instead she deceptively does everything behind my back. Man, that betrayal is scarred on my soul and will be forever. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 I know - and I hate living in a sick state of limbo -- that weird place between KNOWING it's over and yet somehow, in some small part of my heart, hoping for a miracle of some sort. ...sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 just to share, my wife & I had 2 measly Marriage Counseling sessions. In the first one, she hit me over the head with the news that this would be a separation bound for divorce. It was like being punched in the balls. Took my breath away. We had not spoken in detail whatsoever about intention until SHE wanted to reveal this in front of a therapist. It was (sorry, ladies) emasculating, sitting there, having to 'take it' and somehow not argue in front of a therapist. Instead, I wept like a baby, and continued weeping after the counseling session. In the 2nd session, I did the exact opposite. Told her that I would consent to a separation, give her space and 'set her free'. I didn't cry once. I'm determined never to cry over this woman ever again. You cry over people who love you in return, not somebody who breaks your heart and grinds it into sawdust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 I know - and I hate living in a sick state of limbo -- that weird place between KNOWING it's over and yet somehow, in some small part of my heart, hoping for a miracle of some sort. ...sigh. man, some completely learning disabled part of my heart thinks we'll be close again someday... or I'm going to see her soon and she'll be nice to me and everything will be ok. it just doesn't get it. SHE IS COMMITTING ADULTERY WITH ANOTHER GUY AND LIVING WITH HIM. Oh that and she probably hasn't loved me since like 2008 or so. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 man, some completely learning disabled part of my heart thinks we'll be close again someday... or I'm going to see her soon and she'll be nice to me and everything will be ok. it just doesn't get it. SHE IS COMMITTING ADULTERY WITH ANOTHER GUY AND LIVING WITH HIM. Oh that and she probably hasn't loved me since like 2008 or so. It's tough for the brain to comprehend it -- particularly since there's a kid in the picture, right? It just compounds the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) just to share, my wife & I had 2 measly Marriage Counseling sessions. In the first one, she hit me over the head with the news that this would be a separation bound for divorce. It was like being punched in the balls. Took my breath away. We had not spoken in detail whatsoever about intention until SHE wanted to reveal this in front of a therapist. It was (sorry, ladies) emasculating, sitting there, having to 'take it' and somehow not argue in front of a therapist. Instead, I wept like a baby, and continued weeping after the counseling session. In the 2nd session, I did the exact opposite. Told her that I would consent to a separation, give her space and 'set her free'. I didn't cry once. I'm determined never to cry over this woman ever again. You cry over people who love you in return, not somebody who breaks your heart and grinds it into sawdust. dude, she bailed in May 2010 and I still sob on my way to work in the car at 5am. Kind of like the "why.. why the F... why is this happening" type thing. Im tired of it. oh and to share, we did TWO sessions of marriage counseling.. session 1 we both just dumped everything on the table, session 2 she assassinated my character. Said the damage was done, etc etc etc. Pulled out the "I love him but I'm not in love with him" trick. I realized as i semi stormed out that she had NO intentions of working things out, she was looking for validation and killing time while I paid for all her bills. Oh, and I'm sure new BF was waiting in the wings. I say again, F*ck her. Edited March 3, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 It sounds like it's just taken you a bit longer to roll through all the different stages of grief, that's all. For me, I think I sort of rolled through them in quick succession. Now I'm just...numb. Having read your story (and others), I'm always shocked by the audacity of people who get a new BF or OM so quickly. It blows my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Hopefully anger rolls a little more quickly then denial. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Share Posted March 4, 2011 dumpers don't care if the record is ever set straight, do they. Link to post Share on other sites
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