LC Journal by mm4

[dreamingoftigers]

So, how come you're not at that point yet? Don't get me wrong its admirable to want to keep your family in tact, but you have put up with ALOT.

 

I wrote a stellar chunk on this yesterday on my "I would to know where the idea came from that I cheated" thread ( or similarly titled) it is on page 3 and it is epic.

 

That's why I hold out.

[worldgonewrong]

You: (to her) "You look like sh*t. There. I hope that gives you more space that you appreciate."

 

Or part 2:

 

You show up wearing an astronaut suit, helmet tucked under your arm. You hand her a moon rock and some astronaut icecream.

 

"I thought you liked space?"

[dreamingoftigers]

I get the feeling that her text about appreciating me giving her space was to keep me from contacting her further.

 

also I guess complimenting her when I see her tonite would be a bad idea...

 

The first sentence is "negative predicting" and could easily be wrong. You often guess her motives as the most negative and that is actually a dysfunctional thinking pattern (sorry, and I do it too).

It doesn't help anything.

 

Don't complement her on anything but decent behaviour, andnot a backhanded one either.

[marqueemoon4]

Or part 2:

 

You show up wearing an astronaut suit, helmet tucked under your arm. You hand her a moon rock and some astronaut icecream.

 

"I thought you liked space?"

 

i almost spit out my coffee when I read this!!! bravo!

[marqueemoon4]

The first sentence is "negative predicting" and could easily be wrong. You often guess her motives as the most negative and that is actually a dysfunctional thinking pattern (sorry, and I do it too).

It doesn't help anything.

 

Don't complement her on anything but decent behaviour, andnot a backhanded one either.

 

 

this is good advice, and duly noted. i doubt much will be said tonite anyway, as its just a handoff and she is on her way to work.

[marqueemoon4]

Just got back from picking up my son... she did not look good. I asked if she was ok.. she said she hasn't been sleeping well at all and has been working alot. We discussed our son for about 5 minutes and kept it about that. Towards the end while holding my son I gave her a hug with one arm and kissed her on the forehead gently. She hugged back.. we talked for a second more and she left.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good start.

 

Follow-up smoothly and keeps things low-key and friendly. Beat her to the punch when it comes time to leave the conversation.

 

Either way you are going to be dealing with this woman for a long time.

[marqueemoon4]

son took a nap last evening.. woke up and said he wasn't feeling well. felt like he had a high temp, took it and it was 101.7. Txt his mother giving her a heads up.. she had me give him a Tylenol suppository (fun). She must've text me 6 times throughout the night asking how he was.. each time I was brief and to the point. He slept through the night, woke up at 6:30am and his temp was down to 98.7. She txt at 7:15am asking how he was, told him he was doing well and I was giving him lots of water and monitoring him. She said thanks and good job. Its amazing how the smallest amount of positive feedback from her can drastically improve my mood. She rarely made me feel wanted or special during our marriage.

Edited April 2, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[dreamingoftigers]

Or part 2:

 

You show up wearing an astronaut suit, helmet tucked under your arm. You hand her a moon rock and some astronaut icecream.

 

"I thought you liked space?"

 

My friend and I cracked up over this too.

 

son took a nap last evening.. woke up and said he wasn't feeling well. felt like he had a high temp, took it and it was 101.7. Txt his mother giving her a heads up.. she had me give him a Tylenol suppository (fun). She must've text me 6 times throughout the night asking how he was.. each time I was brief and to the point. He slept through the night, woke up at 6:30am and his temp was down to 98.7. She txt at 7:15am asking how he was, told him he was doing well and I was giving him lots of water and monitoring him. She said thanks and good job. Its amazing how the smallest amount of positive feedback from her can drastically improve my mood. She rarely made me feel wanted or special during our marriage.

 

I have found that those behaviours do not start in isolation. Probably she felt invalidated too, but when you are in the middle of it you both can only see what the other is doing. As well, if you think that she is attacking you in any way (i.e. nagging) usually it is just both partners trying to be heard and failing.

 

I just had a huge blast-off yesterday with my husband. He often perceives me to be on the attack. It is probably partially my presentation (although I am pretty sure that it wasn't bad yesterday) but I think it is more his reactive nature from childhood conditioning.

 

As well people have a Hell of a time changing/believing change. If a spouse reacts one way 90% of the time, the other spouse will most likely react like spouse A reacted that way 100% of the time. Meanwhile spouse A just tried to change the behaviour and spouse B missed it. So spouse A starts to think "it doesn't matter what I do, spouse B just 'goes off anyways.'"

 

One time out of ten isn't enough to show a change. And expectations usually get too high on either end.

[marqueemoon4]

right. it felt like being with her was a thankless job, I'm sure she probably felt the same way. and I thought since I supported her and my son 100% I deserved it more, maybe? so, what did she do? she left and found some other guy to support her.

[dreamingoftigers]

right. it felt like being with her was a thankless job, I'm sure she probably felt the same way. and I thought since I supported her and my son 100% I deserved it more, maybe? so, what did she do? she left and found some other guy to support her.

 

The money/support thing doesn't carry as much weight with us as it tends to with guys. We tend to be more verbal cheerleaders and want certain different recognition. Love languages. etc.

 

There has to be something special and unique in a relationship besides the fact that you bring home the bacon. (That isn't blaming, if it sounds like blaming just disregard.)

[marqueemoon4]

As mentioned in some other threads, I'm FINALLY to a point where I see this person for what she is. I'm done caring about this, no more will I give my personal power away to her. Every day I get closer to indifference with her, and honestly, if she ever wanted to come back I'd be a FOOL to ever trust her again. No amount of MC could ever fix the damage between us, and I am NOT going to allow her to doormat me anymore while she is off commiting adultery with her scumbag boyfriend. I'm done.

[marqueemoon4]

i will add that i could do with out my stomach hurting due to anxiety about this whole situation. ugh.

[worldgonewrong]

i will add that i could do with out my stomach hurting due to anxiety about this whole situation. ugh.

 

totally understandable, my man.

[marqueemoon4]

somebody help me out here... how does this woman justify living with another guy who just filed for his SECOND divorce when she is still legally married? AND lies to me straight up when I asked where our son is living? it must be nice to have no conscience whatsoever. i feel nothing but contempt for this person.

[marqueemoon4]

I'm sorry to hear.. I don't know how people can do this to someone they claimed to care about so much. Its a level of self centeredness I will never be able to relate to. Keep your chin up... things will get better. I'm just so tired of being disrespected by this person, she thinks she can treat me like garbage just because she is with someone else now. Its disgusting behavior.

[marqueemoon4]

quick reminder to self.. she doesn't love you, who knows if she ever did, and she has "moved on with her life". quit thinking she's going to feel differently EVER. and today she said someday we might be able to be friends. uhmmmm.. I have no interest in being friends with you. end of story.

[dreamingoftigers]

Usually I have found things tend to go completely kaput when the spouse that holds on on being there gives the spouse that wants things to work the slightest glimmer of validation and hope. Regardless of the fact that it is no longer a "romantic" conflict, you backed off and now and wants to be friends. Is tomorrow she took that off the table you might think, " you know, friends wasn't such a bad idea."

 

Push and pull. Humans are weird that way.

[marqueemoon4]

Usually I have found things tend to go completely kaput when the spouse that holds on on being there gives the spouse that wants things to work the slightest glimmer of validation and hope. Regardless of the fact that it is no longer a "romantic" conflict, you backed off and now and wants to be friends. Is tomorrow she took that off the table you might think, " you know, friends wasn't such a bad idea."

 

Push and pull. Humans are weird that way.

 

wait, what? the only glimmer of hope she gave me is that we could talk sometime soon, and the whole I appreciate you giving me space. she is still saying that she has said all she needs to say, ie- we're divorcing and we need to move on with our lives (which she already has, obviously since she is living with some dirtbag). So there is really no push/pull here... its mainly push by her, and me hoping she'll care, miss me or that giving her space will make her reassess the situation. well, she clearly feels exactly the same and I guess she thinks I want to be pals with her someday? I don't... its pretty much all or nothing and if she wants nothing thats what it will be. she obviously doesn't care since she has someone else and stands to gain alot from divorcing, where I get f-ed over most importantly with custody, then emotionally, and financially.

[marqueemoon4]

she said and I quote: "the sooner you do (let go) the better all of our lives will be. I guarantee it. Let me go xxxx... and I promise I will respect you and let you in more"

 

let me in to what? what you and your bf are up to? no thanks. the better all our lives will be? interesting, because this separation is causing our son a lot of pain. so incredibly selfish.

[marqueemoon4]

MM4, like I said before, I feel the same way that you do, same emotions and all. She has her FB page with all kinds of garbage, love of my life and so on and so on with her OM( not that it matters but wow I am so much better looking than him). I also over analyze everything she does and says, at least yours dosen't give you crumbs like mine did in the beginning. Now she will not really talk to me and it sucks cause I am looking for the same thing, a reaction of feelings for what she said she had when we married. For now I will not get that or if ever. I know that the R she is in now will not last and so does everyone else, but she will learn on her own. My MIL calls her a chamelion, meaning she can make herself into something she is not for her own gain. Again it sucks, I wonder if my whole marriage was a lie. The one thing now I do is to stop obsessing, it will drive you crazy, like me lol. I am sorry about your kid that sucks only 10 day a month, I lose mine for 3 months in summer to her. We live 950 miles apart, which helps a lot so I don't have to see her but a few times a year. How was your life before you meet her? I take it you were happy. You know there is nothing you can do or say that will change her mind she must do that on her own. Try to go back to your life before her, that is what I am trying to do. I had all kinds of stuff, motorcycles and boat, drag car, I was single and loving it. Then she came along and stole my heart and by the end sold everything cause I was married and had kids now, WTF. So I left when she asked for D and tried my best to get her to come around still did until about a week ago. My point being go back to life before her it had to be good right? It will be again. Sorry about rambling about me.

 

yea man, my ex is a big time chameleon too.. she shapeshifts into what she thinks the person she likes wants. its really kind of pathetic. she also uses people.. this guy she is with now has a townhouse near her parents and work, and believe me, that is a big selling point for her.

[worldgonewrong]

You know what's galling about her and this situation (among other things)?

It's the fact that she's being excruciatingly short-sighted. She does not realize that she is STILL going to have to be connected with you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES because you share a child together.

So, in the short term, she's relishing this sort of quasi-youthful power-trip about being 'free' or whatever the f*ck, but in reality, she's going to grow old and still have to deal with you vis-a-vis your child.

[marqueemoon4]

me: this stuff about life will be better for everyone, thats not true. you choose to ignore our son's pain, all so you can do whatever you want. I'm sick of seeing it personally.

 

her: that is so far from the truth. but you believe what you want.

 

me: keep telling yourself that. he cries his eyes out every time i have to bring him back to you.. you're in denial. but as long as you have everything the way you want it, who cares.

 

her: xxxxx, don't start. you have no idea what you're talking about.

 

me: and you do? please enlighten me.

 

her: that boy adores me and you both. so whatever.

 

her: I'm going back to work.

 

me: I didn't say he doesn't love you, i know he does. would never say otherwise. what he doesn't like is the situation you've put him in.

 

end of transmission

[marqueemoon4]

You know what, I know EXACTLY what I want. I want what she promised me in 2007 and never once delivered in the 2.5yrs we were married. HER LOVE AND SUPPORT. And I'm never gonna get it.

Edited April 5, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

Had a conversation with her on tuesday.. let her know that I know exactly what is going on and have plenty of evidence that will stand up in court. She immediately changed her tune and turned on the waterworks and said she was so sorry for how things went down, what a surprise. This is the same person who has treated me like complete garbage for 9mos and shown 0 emotion or remorse. I probably shouldn't have said this but I told her my intention of being our sons custodial parent, and that I absolutely do not approve of her having our son stay overnight with her boyfriend (which she finally admitted she was doing). She said I was a cruel person. I stated I wasn't the one who tried to take our son from her for TWO YEARS and I wasn't the one exposing our child to an adulterous relationship. I might add her boyfriend filed for divorce from his SECOND wife on March 14, 2011. So yea, he's a scumbag. She said in the future we could be friends, I told her I have NO interest in being "friends" with her whatsoever. Months ago there were two choices: either we made a conscious effort to fix our marriage for ourselves and our son or we're nothing. She chose to jump into a rebound relationship with this OM. She has lied over and over about everything. I'm done with her for life, now my main focus is getting physical custody of my son and exposing her for what she is. Payback is a bitch.