what....the...fck....

[shadowplay]

As for the alcohol question, I spoke to my psychiatrist about that awhile ago and she said it's OK to have a small amount, but I need to be careful. The reason that it's not recommended is because alcohol and this medication are both downers (rather than uppers), so they kind of exacerbate each other.

[shadowplay]

Oh, I forgot to mention that when he said we could go on more dates and see what happens he also added, "we don't have to have sex." That impressed me. Even if it doesn't turn into anything, and he's only interested in something casual, at least he seems to be honest, respectful and considerate. It's refreshing after the last guy. Based on how he handled last night, he seems like a pretty decent person.

[Star Gazer]

Oh, I forgot to mention that when he said we could go on more dates and see what happens he also added, "we don't have to have sex." That impressed me. Even if it doesn't turn into anything, and he's only interested in something casual, at least he seems to be honest, respectful and considerate. It's refreshing after the last guy. Based on how he handled last night, he seems like a pretty decent person.

 

You sound a wee bit like GooseChaser here.

 

"We don't have to have sex" is a classic line...

[shadowplay]

You sound a wee bit like GooseChaser here.

 

"We don't have to have sex" is a classic line...

 

Who is GooseChaser?

 

Could be. I'm not ruling out that he's trying to "play" me (which ain't gonna happen), but I think a lot of this has to do with tone and context. I didn't get a smarmy, indirect vibe from him like I did from the other dude. Who knows. I'm not going to waste time trying to figure him out. I'll just continue to enforce my boundaries.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, is there ANY way you can get a handle on your over-thinking and analyzing?

 

The stuff that takes up so much space in your head and emotions seems to usually be stuff that is not even really HAPPENING. I mean, don't you have enough on your plate with what's going on in your life without imagining scenarios and then getting 100% invested in them?

 

Shadow, who knows why the roommate acts weird. If she doesn't like you, she is likely to act weird about most anything you say or do. Or maybe she is weird herself. Can you step away from giving a sh*t? Or if you truly DO care, work on getting to know who she really is and forging a good relationship with her.

 

Same goes for the guy (or any guy). Maybe he won't call you again. Maybe he is as good as his word and you two WILL go on dates and see where it leads. Why is that not good enough for you? Trying to second guess everyone and their intentions is not truly saving you any pain, though I believe that is your M.O. If you "know" and believe that a person is going to do you wrong, you can avoid high expectations and, in your mind, prepare and protect yourself.

 

What that really does is prevent you from being emotionally present from what is REALLY happening. And you experience all pain many times over - through your imagined scenarios, and then again through what really occurs.

 

Also, believe it or not, it is tremendously self centered because when one is functioning that way, they never actually experience the other person as the individual they are ... only as the creation of one's own imagination.

 

Self fulfilled prophecies are easy to come by when one functions this way, too. It makes things very "off" and that's not fertile ground for developing a good relationship of ANY kind.

 

Thanks for this post. I've been mulling it over all day.

[LisaLee]

Who is GooseChaser?

 

 

GooseChaser is a pretty sweet young lady who is in an unfortunate FWB situation that she is using to get into a relationship with the guy. Even though he has flat out told her that he is not attracted to her, only wants sex, is not interested in a relationship, and is hung up on another girl, GC has maintained she believes she can possibly snag him into a relationship using sex.

 

I think what StarGazer was referring to is that GC has a habit of over analyzing every single little thing this guy texts/says and basically says the same thing you just said verbatim: "That impressed me." She turns the most negative messages into something positive for her.

 

I can't say much on the "we don't have to have sex" line. I told my boyfriend via skype the exact same thing when it was decided I would be visiting him (for the first time as more than friends). "Can we sleep in the same bed??? We don't have to have sex!!!" Of course I was thinking we have to have sex!! I think he knew at that point we would have sex because he squealed and spun around in his chair.

[shadowplay]

GooseChaser is a pretty sweet young lady who is in an unfortunate FWB situation that she is using to get into a relationship with the guy. Even though he has flat out told her that he is not attracted to her, only wants sex, is not interested in a relationship, and is hung up on another girl, GC has maintained she believes she can possibly snag him into a relationship using sex.

 

I think what StarGazer was referring to is that GC has a habit of over analyzing every single little thing this guy texts/says and basically says the same thing you just said verbatim: "That impressed me." She turns the most negative messages into something positive for her.

 

I can't say much on the "we don't have to have sex" line. I told my boyfriend via skype the exact same thing when it was decided I would be visiting him (for the first time as more than friends). "Can we sleep in the same bed??? We don't have to have sex!!!" Of course I was thinking we have to have sex!! I think he knew at that point we would have sex because he squealed and spun around in his chair.

 

OK, but I don't necessarily see anything nefarious about what he said about us not having to have sex. It did sound genuine in context.

 

Also, it sounds like this guy is jerking her around a lot more.

[shadowplay]

The responses I've gotten in this thread have led to some good self reflections.

Believe, it or not I think I have made some healthy changes in my attitude since that last guy.

 

It occurred to me that this is the first time in my life that guys I've started dating have only been interested in something casual/physical. I'm wondering if that's merely luck, something that's changed about my behavior, or the type of guys I'm attracting/pursuing.

[kpax]

It occurred to me that this is the first time in my life that guys I've started dating have only been interested in something casual/physical. I'm wondering if that's merely luck, something that's changed about my behavior, or the type of guys I'm attracting/pursuing.

 

 

I don't think it's any of the three. Or that it's just you. I think it's something that has changed with the times in the last few years.

 

I am doing nothing different, in fact if anything I have my life together MORE now than ever and almost 100% of the guys I meet are looking for something casual. It may have to do with the FWB situations guys can so easily find or the boom of internet dating where you can meet a different person every night if you want.

[xpaperxcutx]

Shadow, is there ANY way you can get a handle on your over-thinking and analyzing?

 

The stuff that takes up so much space in your head and emotions seems to usually be stuff that is not even really HAPPENING. I mean, don't you have enough on your plate with what's going on in your life without imagining scenarios and then getting 100% invested in them?

 

Shadow, who knows why the roommate acts weird. If she doesn't like you, she is likely to act weird about most anything you say or do. Or maybe she is weird herself. Can you step away from giving a sh*t? Or if you truly DO care, work on getting to know who she really is and forging a good relationship with her.

 

Same goes for the guy (or any guy). Maybe he won't call you again. Maybe he is as good as his word and you two WILL go on dates and see where it leads. Why is that not good enough for you? Trying to second guess everyone and their intentions is not truly saving you any pain, though I believe that is your M.O. If you "know" and believe that a person is going to do you wrong, you can avoid high expectations and, in your mind, prepare and protect yourself.

 

What that really does is prevent you from being emotionally present from what is REALLY happening. And you experience all pain many times over - through your imagined scenarios, and then again through what really occurs.

 

Also, believe it or not, it is tremendously self centered because when one is functioning that way, they never actually experience the other person as the individual they are ... only as the creation of one's own imagination.

 

Self fulfilled prophecies are easy to come by when one functions this way, too. It makes things very "off" and that's not fertile ground for developing a good relationship of ANY kind.

 

Most sane and " practical" post I have read on this thread.

 

The responses I've gotten in this thread have led to some good self reflections.

Believe, it or not I think I have made some healthy changes in my attitude since that last guy.

 

It occurred to me that this is the first time in my life that guys I've started dating have only been interested in something casual/physical. I'm wondering if that's merely luck, something that's changed about my behavior, or the type of guys I'm attracting/pursuing.

 

S_P, I'm, as everyone else are, happy for your self reflections but don't you think you're slightly jumping on the " casual" gun just a bit? After all, how long ago had it been since OKC guy? And we all know, yourself included, you can't " do " casual, even though you think you can.

 

Self reflections are always a good thing, but at the same time they're also temporary compared to " actions". By " actions" I mean, have you actually taken the time to just work on yourself? You won't know you've actually changed until a given amount of time, and from what I've seen so far, despite this recent curveball, 1-2 weeks are not enough for you to work on yourself.

 

Really, I'm glad to see that you're " confident" but this confidence stems from a guy you had a drunken encounter with, which isn't still shouldn't be taken lightly despite the fact you guys has been friends for a while.

[stefspets]

I don't think you messed up on the date. (Btw, I thought he was very good looking in his picture. Late response on that.)

 

It is great that you approached the intentions thing right away. Now he knows if he wants to be involved with you, you don't want casual. Enforce those boundaries.

 

I don't see anything wrong with dating and getting to know him better, but let him pursue, and don't sleep with him. He may decide that he does want a relationship and give it a chance. He may not. Whatever happens I think it's good to not become too attached but let things unfold naturally.

 

Can you stop drinking before these dates? He may not suspect alcohol but what if he did find out? I don't think it's an issue from last night but it could be in the future.

[Star Gazer]

...this confidence stems from a guy you had a drunken encounter with...

 

This is something to pay attention to, Shadow. It's external validation at its purest form.

 

You lacked confidence immediately before this hookup. Then you hookup with this guy, who you were always interested in but didn't think returned the sentiment, and he tells you he's always been attracted to you...and your "confidence" skyrockets.

 

Confidence doesn't come from a guy. It comes from within.

[eerie_reverie]

This is something to pay attention to, Shadow. It's external validation at its purest form.

 

You lacked confidence immediately before this hookup. Then you hookup with this guy, who you were always interested in but didn't think returned the sentiment, and he tells you he's always been attracted to you...and your "confidence" skyrockets.

 

Confidence doesn't come from a guy. It comes from within.

 

I agree with Star, and I fear when things go south with this guy, which I believe they will because he doesn't sound like he's ready for a relationship, which means it's only a matter of time, you will internalize that, too.

[Ariadne]

I don't think you messed up on the date. (Btw, I thought he was very good looking in his picture. Late response on that.)

 

Well,

 

I wouldn't say is going "too well"..

 

On the first date they "hooked up" out of the blue.

 

And on the second date she gets drunk before the date and throws up all over the place.

 

But there is a chance that soon Shadow is going to be in love and in a relationship of sorts with this guy (as it happened in the past).

[Ariadne]

Ugh, hope that you are feeling better Shadow.

 

As for the date, I don't think it went badly. Not your fault for getting sick and he knows it's something you had no control over. Sometimes men feel protective when they see you sick and it can even bond you.

 

I also don't think he sounded freaked out when you asked him about the casual thing. However, I am not sure if you can handle being just casual with him without developing feelings.

 

I actually think that he will call you and see you again. Also, you didn't fcvk up at all. You came off as well balanced and confident enough to ask about his intentions.

 

That's very thoughtful.

[shadowplay]

Well,

 

I wouldn't say is going "too well"..

 

On the first date they "hooked up" out of the blue.

 

And on the second date she gets drunk before the date and throws up all over the place.

 

But there is a chance that soon Shadow is going to be in love and in a relationship of sorts with this guy (as it happened in the past).

 

I didn't get drunk beforehand! Did you even read what I wrote??

[tigressA]

I didn't get drunk beforehand! Did you even read what I wrote??

 

She tends to skip over a lot of things. I've noticed this before...who knows if it's passive/aggressive or whatever else. Don't let it bother you.

 

Anyway, being back on topic. I also agree with Star and Paper. I think the true test here is if things go south with this guy--will you be able to handle it in a healthy way, or will you internalize it like you did with past guys?

[shadowplay]

so...

 

as a small update.

 

I sent J a message early this morning that sort of joked about how things went awry last night, but I think in a confident way. I suggested we try again some other time this week. He immediately responded that that sounds like a good idea and let's figure out a night that works for both of us. He also said we should go to the fair together some time in the next few days.

 

Then tonight he sent me a message on facebook inviting me to hang out with him, his BFF and my roomie at a local joint at 11. I think he sent it at 5, but I was at work so didn't get it. He sent me a text message saying the same thing around 10:30.

 

It took me off guard. I just got back from an eight hour shift, and I didn't feel up for the nervousness that would ensue from hanging out with him again. It's the kind of thing I usually need to mentally prepare for. I really wish I could just take it easy and go! Maybe one day I'll finally get to that place with guys I like. Anyway, I texted him back that I was going to crash after work, but to have fun and definitely next time. He immediately texted back something really friendly and told me to get rest.

 

At least he hasn't gone poof on me, my broaching of the casual thing didn't scare him off, and he seems interested in getting to know me better. Who knows if that will amount to anything, but whatever.

 

I'm realizing how AWKWARD this whole thing is because he's my roommates BFF. They're practically inseparable. That means I have to run into him all the time. That also means whenever we have a date I know B (his buddy) and his girlfriend (both my roommates and semi-friends) are getting a rundown of all our dates...including all of my embarrassing mishaps like getting sick last night. Then there's the awkwardness that I don't really talk about him with them...like the subject of us "dating" or whatever was only broached once. I feel nervous whenever they're around in the house.

 

Why can't I just relax? I'm being ridiculous.

[shadowplay]

She tends to skip over a lot of things. I've noticed this before...who knows if it's passive/aggressive or whatever else. Don't let it bother you.

 

Anyway, being back on topic. I also agree with Star and Paper. I think the true test here is if things go south with this guy--will you be able to handle it in a healthy way, or will you internalize it like you did with past guys?

 

I hope not.

 

I'm a little concerned because I already REALLY like him. He's like exactly my type. Problem is the more I like I guy, the harder it is to be myself around him, and the more I end up sabotaging things.

 

But I don't think I'll end up internalizing this one. I know if things don't work out, it will most likely because ofh is issues, not mine. I'm going to really, really try to nip any negative thoughts in the bud.

 

What I'm more concerned about is the ensuing awkwardness since he's so intertwined with my social circle.

Edited September 26, 2010 by shadowplay

[tigressA]

Just focus on what he said about wanting to be casual. If he says later on that he wants to explore something more with you, then great. Just don't think that his actions say he wants something more. There are plenty of guys who will say they want to date casually, but act like they want to be committed to you. I've dealt with that type more than once.

[shadowplay]

Most sane and " practical" post I have read on this thread.

 

 

 

S_P, I'm, as everyone else are, happy for your self reflections but don't you think you're slightly jumping on the " casual" gun just a bit? After all, how long ago had it been since OKC guy? And we all know, yourself included, you can't " do " casual, even though you think you can.

 

Self reflections are always a good thing, but at the same time they're also temporary compared to " actions". By " actions" I mean, have you actually taken the time to just work on yourself? You won't know you've actually changed until a given amount of time, and from what I've seen so far, despite this recent curveball, 1-2 weeks are not enough for you to work on yourself.

 

Really, I'm glad to see that you're " confident" but this confidence stems from a guy you had a drunken encounter with, which isn't still shouldn't be taken lightly despite the fact you guys has been friends for a while.

 

Where are you guys getting the impression I'm more confident? It was a slight ego boost, but honestly I feel no more confident deep down then I did before this happened.

[shadowplay]

Just focus on what he said about wanting to be casual. If he says later on that he wants to explore something more with you, then great. Just don't think that his actions say he wants something more. There are plenty of guys who will say they want to date casually, but act like they want to be committed to you. I've dealt with that type more than once.

 

Well, he didn't actually say that. He basically indicated he didn't know, and wanted to get to know me better.

[Star Gazer]

Well, he didn't actually say that. He basically indicated he didn't know, and wanted to get to know me better.

 

Doesn't his OKC profile say that he's only looking for something casual?

 

Don't make the mistake of convincing yourself that you're going to be the exception.

[tigressA]

Well, he didn't actually say that. He basically indicated he didn't know, and wanted to get to know me better.

 

Well, okay. At the very least, try to hold off on getting more physical with him than you already have been. Since he "doesn't know", the chances are very high that if he gets sex from you without a commitment, he'll see absolutely no reason to commit. I'm of the opinion that you may not be able to handle having no-strings-attached sex again at this time.

[shadowplay]

Doesn't his OKC profile say that he's only looking for something casual?

 

Don't make the mistake of convincing yourself that you're going to be the exception.

 

Yeah, I don't know. He said until we made out on Wednesday he was only interested in something casual with anybody, but that we should just keep going on dates and see what happens. As I've written, I don't have high expectations, but I'm also not going to totally rule out the possibility that something could materialize. We do have a lot in common and I doubt there are many girls out there who have stuff in common with him based on his interests and are also very smart (something he seems to really value). Shrug. We'll just see.