what....the...fck....

[donnamaybe]

I think it's crazy to be attracted to a woman with strong opinions: her sense of security hinges on the fact that she wins every argument.

Statements like the above positively BEG for a discussion.

[carhill]

Hey Shadow, good on ya. Enjoy the fair. You've been through a lot, so having these positive feelings is a welcomed revelation. What happens will happen. IMO, sometimes it's better to let them happen for awhile and then open it up to dissection on LS. Part of growth and change is trusting yourself in that growth and change. You're worthy of that trust. Good luck

[USMCHokie]

I think it's crazy to be attracted to a woman with strong opinions: her sense of security hinges on the fact that she wins every argument.

 

Hmmm, you statement seems to rest on the assumption that someone who has strong opinons needs to have those opinions heard and agreed upon by others...

 

Just because I have strong opinions on certain things doesn't that mean that I'm absolutely correct on those things or that I need anyone else to agree with me or even know my opinions on those matters.

[MrNate]

Hmmm, you statement seems to rest on the assumption that someone who has strong opinons needs to have those opinions heard and agreed upon by others...

 

Just because I have strong opinions on certain things doesn't that mean that I'm absolutely correct on those things or that I need anyone else to agree with me or even know my opinions on those matters.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[shadowplay]

So, this is tangentially related. We're going to a movie instead, because unfortunately our friends flaked out on us for the fair and I want to go as a group when they're free.

 

But my roommate, the one who is a bit crazy and is friends with J, and the girlfriend of his best friend (who also lives with me until October), is being really weird since we hooked up.

 

Every time I see her now around the house she's very quiet and unfriendly.

 

I never even mentioned what happened to her, because it was kind of awkward due to her demeanor. I thought this was the reason for the awkwardness between us -- there was this elephant in the room.

 

But I finally mentioned it a few minutes ago, that J and I are doing something tonight. And she just said, "Oh." Then there was about ten minutes of silence.

 

WTF is going on? She seems pissed off, but what about???

[Star Gazer]

WTF is going on? She seems pissed off, but why could she possibly be?

 

This is what I mean by street smarts, Shadow.

 

Do you really not know? She's clearly jealous.

 

Do they have any history together?

[shadowplay]

This is what I mean by street smarts, Shadow.

 

Do you really not know? She's clearly jealous.

 

Do they have any history together?

 

No, I'm pretty sure they don't. I mean she only met him through her boyfriend, and she moved here a year ago. So what does she have to be jealous about?

[Kamille]

It could have nothing to do with this guy or with you. Maybe she's upset about something completely unrelated that happened at the party or to her today.

 

Until she decides to talk to you about whatever is on her mind, there isn't much you can do. I say, go out to the movie, have fun, and if your roomie's weird mood continues tomorrow, ask her if there's anything on her mind.

 

There is no way you will be able to guess why she's acting this way. So, for now, let it go.

[johan]

Maybe her foot hurts.

[Star Gazer]

No, I'm pretty sure they don't. I mean she only met him through her boyfriend, and she moved here a year ago. So what does she have to be jealous about?

 

That he doesn't like her, even if she doesn't (or can't) like him in return.

 

Or... This is the roommate that you think doesn't like you, right? "Sarah"? If she genuinely doesn't like you, it makes sense that she wouldn't like her friend making out with you. Right?

 

What's your friendship like with J's best friend's girlfriend? The other one that's acting weird? Is Sarah friends with her too?

[shadowplay]

That he doesn't like her, even if she doesn't (or can't) like him in return.

 

Or... This is the roommate that you think doesn't like you, right? "Sarah"? If she genuinely doesn't like you, it makes sense that she wouldn't like her friend making out with you. Right?

 

What's your friendship like with J's best friend's girlfriend? The other one that's acting weird? Is Sarah friends with her too?

 

I'm confused, they're both the same person. Only one roommate is acting weird, Sarah, the one whose boyfriend is J's best friend.

 

I've actually gotten fairly close with the other roomie. I told her about the thing with J and she thought it was cool and funny.

[Star Gazer]

I'm confused, they're both the same person. Only one roommate is acting weird, Sarah, the one whose boyfriend is J's best friend.

 

I've actually gotten fairly close with the other roomie. I told her about the thing with J and she thought it was cool and funny.

 

Oh, okay. The way you wrote that post it sounded like there were two people: (1) the crazy roommate, and (2) J's best friend's girlfriend. Gotcha.

 

It's either jealousy, or just that she doesn't want you dating her BF's BFF.

[shadowplay]

or just that she doesn't want you dating her BF's BFF.

 

is this like taboo or something...? I don't see the big deal.

[Star Gazer]

is this like taboo or something...? I don't see the big deal.

 

No, not taboo. But you said she doesn't like you. It naturally follows that she wouldn't want you dating her boyfriend's best friend for two reasons: (1) she'd think you're somehow "not worthy" of him, and/or (2) she'd likely have to spend more time with you, doing double-date like things.

 

Think about women you don't like. Shoot, even use me as an example. Would you want me dating one of your friends? See what I mean?

[shadowplay]

No, not taboo. But you said she doesn't like you. It naturally follows that she wouldn't want you dating her boyfriend's best friend for two reasons: (1) she'd think you're somehow "not worthy" of him, and/or (2) she'd likely have to spend more time with you, doing double-date like things.

 

Think about women you don't like. Shoot, even use me as an example. Would you want me dating one of your friends? See what I mean?

 

Well, recently it's been unclear to me whether she likes me or not. She had warmed up a lot in the last month. She's been friendlier, and we've even had some good chats. But then again, I feel like she's somebody who would pretend to be nice to somebody she dislikes. She's even admitted to doing this with other people. Which naturally puts me on guard.

[shadowplay]

Well, I managed to royally fck that up. What a surprise.

 

I got really sick halfway through our date. I was fine at the beginning, and I actually only had a tiny bit to drink beforehand. But I think I might have gotten food poisoning from this questionable leftover stir fry that was in my fridge. I was fine for like an hour, and then I suddenly felt like I was about to puke so we had to split from the movie. I kept puking out of his car on the way back. OMG. And then I collapsed on the grass at my house and he literally had to CARRY me up to my room. It was surreal. I don't understand because I felt drunk, but all I had before we left was 1/2 a shot of tonic mixed with gin in my fridge and that stir fry (no, it wasn't on an empty stomach. I had plenty to eat earlier in the day).

 

It was so incredibly embarrassing. He was really, really sweet, though. We collapsed on my bed, and once I stopped feeling sick we had a good conversation.

 

I decided to be candid with him. I asked him if he's just looking for something casual, and told him that I'm not really...but I also don't know exactly what I want. I also remarked that he seems a bit emotionally unavailable (but I said it in a joking/teasing way). He laughed, and agreed that he probably is -- he didn't sound proud of it, though.

 

He said that prior to our hooking up on Wednesday he was only interested in casual dating in general since he just got out of his first serious relationship a couple of months ago. He said that Wednesday took him by surprise, and was great. He said we could go on more dates, and just see what happens.

 

Suddenly when he left, I had this certainty that I had completely ruined things by getting sick and would probably never hear from him again. You know how sometimes you just know? The getting sick thing isn't my fault, but in my experience that doesn't matter. A guy will still hold it against you. He probably thinks I'm some wino now. And if he doesn't, he will forever associate me with puke.

 

I also think it was a mistake for me to bring up the casual thing so early on, and it probably freaked him out.

 

It's unfortunate because I was starting to quite like him, and we have so much in common. We had good conversations before and after I got sick. He's also a lot sweeter than I originally assumed, and several people who know him well have even said that about him to me. I feel pretty confident that he's the only *what I consider* desirable guy I'm going to meet before I move to NY in a year. (He's moving to NY too btw around that time.) You guys can argue with me, but I think if you lived in my town you'd understand how limited my options here are. I don't feel terrible about that -- it's just the way it is.

 

If he ends up seeing me again it may only be because he feels guilty about immediately rejecting me for getting sick. Also, he may feel forced into it since I'm his best friend's roommate and he knows he'll be seeing me around all the time. So if we do go out again, it will be one of those uncomfortable dates where I don't know if he even wants to be there.

 

It's not like I'm devastated. I think I learned from my last dating experience to keep myself from getting emotionally attached too fast. It's more just the whole series of disappointments and not just bad but downright awful dates.

 

I'm done with dating for now. Even when I try hard not to, I end up fcking things up.

 

I know I already declared an end to dating for me, but this involvement with J came out of nowhere and was hard to pass up.

[Cee]

Well, I managed to royally fck that up. What a surprise.

 

I decided to be candid with him. I asked him if he's just looking for something casual, and told him that I'm not really...but I also don't know exactly what I want. I also remarked that he seems a bit emotionally unavailable (but I said it in a joking/teasing way). He laughed, and agreed that he probably is -- he didn't sound proud of it, though.

 

He said that prior to our hooking up on Wednesday he was only interested in casual dating in general since he just got out of his first serious relationship a couple of months ago. He said that Wednesday took him by surprise, and was great. He said we could go on more dates, and just see what happens.

 

I also think it was a mistake for me to bring up the casual thing so early on, and it probably freaked him out.

 

It's not like I'm devastated. I think I learned from my last dating experience to keep myself from getting emotionally attached too fast. It's more just the whole series of disappointments and not just bad but downright awful dates.

 

 

You sound so GREAT and emotionally healthy. Not a single thing you posted sounded bad at all. On his end or yours. I think you did a fantastic thing by asking him his intentions. I think it is completely acceptable and a good idea to ask a person you might date about what he wants up front. And he sounds like a decent guy for being honest about his past serious relationship. And not being emotionally available.

 

Take the man exactly at his word. He just got out of a serious relationship. It wouldn't be healthy if he was interested in an LTR with you right now. It wouldn't be something you'd want. It's not your fault that he just so happened to have had a serious relationship. I think it's quick of him to date you when he's just out of a serious relationship, but I don't blame him. He had a crush on you and wanted to spend time with you.

 

I don't think it sounded like you freaked him out about bringing up the casual thing. His response showed he was comfortable to be honest. The only way to know what someone is thinking is to directly ask. When I date, I pretty much ask their dating intentions in a general way. It really helps. Especially since if a guy's intentions is to get married and have children. I adamantly don't want children & it would be wrong for me not to disclose that. In fact, the issue came up on a first date once & we ended things right then and there. And maintained friendly contact since.

 

Good for you. Please don't make last night into a drama about your lack of worth. There is no drama in food poisoning except, yuck, what a drag. There's no drama in liking a guy who wants different things. It's disappointing and frustrating, but no drama.

 

Please, celebrate your success in not chasing an unavailable guy. When you feel better, I hope you take yourself out without a date and have a good time.

 

You aren't alone. I am on a dating hiatus too. During my time date free, I'm going to focus on self-care and enjoying life as an independent single woman. But I admit, I am frustrated by dating so much.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Ugh, hope that you are feeling better Shadow.

 

As for the date, I don't think it went badly. Not your fault for getting sick and he knows it's something you had no control over. Sometimes men feel protective when they see you sick and it can even bond you.

 

I also don't think he sounded freaked out when you asked him about the casual thing. However, I am not sure if you can handle being just casual with him without developing feelings.

 

I actually think that he will call you and see you again. Also, you didn't fcvk up at all. You came off as well balanced and confident enough to ask about his intentions.

[Kamille]

The earlier you have the 'intention' conversation, the better. That way he knows you're not the kind to be able casual relationships before getting too involved with you. You had this conversation before either of you got emotionally attached. That's the exact right moment to have it.

 

As for getting sick... Wow, you really have poor luck when it comes to that, but it sounds like it went fairly well. You sound like you were comfortable and yourself even after getting sick.

 

This guy has shown you his card. He isn't ready for anything serious. Believe him. Don't take him seriously. Don't think you can change him until he tells you he wants something serious. Keep living your life and looking for the kind of relationship you want. Nothing stops you from hanging out with him and flirting with him, but don't get attached until he indicates it's okay to get attached.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Shadow, is there ANY way you can get a handle on your over-thinking and analyzing?

 

The stuff that takes up so much space in your head and emotions seems to usually be stuff that is not even really HAPPENING. I mean, don't you have enough on your plate with what's going on in your life without imagining scenarios and then getting 100% invested in them?

 

Shadow, who knows why the roommate acts weird. If she doesn't like you, she is likely to act weird about most anything you say or do. Or maybe she is weird herself. Can you step away from giving a sh*t? Or if you truly DO care, work on getting to know who she really is and forging a good relationship with her.

 

Same goes for the guy (or any guy). Maybe he won't call you again. Maybe he is as good as his word and you two WILL go on dates and see where it leads. Why is that not good enough for you? Trying to second guess everyone and their intentions is not truly saving you any pain, though I believe that is your M.O. If you "know" and believe that a person is going to do you wrong, you can avoid high expectations and, in your mind, prepare and protect yourself.

 

What that really does is prevent you from being emotionally present from what is REALLY happening. And you experience all pain many times over - through your imagined scenarios, and then again through what really occurs.

 

Also, believe it or not, it is tremendously self centered because when one is functioning that way, they never actually experience the other person as the individual they are ... only as the creation of one's own imagination.

 

Self fulfilled prophecies are easy to come by when one functions this way, too. It makes things very "off" and that's not fertile ground for developing a good relationship of ANY kind.

[SadandConfusedWA]

That is a good post and applies to me too.

[BobSacamento]

True, but I believe him that he was into me before. I'm good at picking up bull****. We'll see. I don't have huge expectations. I'm just kind of shocked...

 

Well if that isn't the understatement of the world...

[shadowplay]

Thanks for the responses, guys. Your reasoning makes a lot of sense to me. Perhaps I was being too hard on myself.

 

I think part of my motivation in writing that post was to psych myself up for being rejected and disappointed. Sometimes I find it helps to accept the worst case scenario preemptively, because it tempers my habit of over-investing.

 

I think I probably will see him again, but I suspect he will also be a bit more cautious this time. Even though the sickness wasn't my fault, I have this strong hunch that it left a bad impression. I mean he may not believe that it's food poisoning and think I'm just a drunk. Remember that guy who I never heard from again after I got sick on our first date back in June? But hopefully that impression isn't permanent.

 

The good thing is that I feel like if he does reject me I'll be able to take it with grace, and it won't shake me up that much. I can feel my skin thickening with all this new experience.

[Star Gazer]

The earlier you have the 'intention' conversation, the better. That way he knows you're not the kind to be able casual relationships before getting too involved with you. You had this conversation before either of you got emotionally attached. That's the exact right moment to have it.

 

As for getting sick... Wow, you really have poor luck when it comes to that, but it sounds like it went fairly well. You sound like you were comfortable and yourself even after getting sick.

 

This guy has shown you his card. He isn't ready for anything serious. Believe him. Don't take him seriously. Don't think you can change him until he tells you he wants something serious. Keep living your life and looking for the kind of relationship you want. Nothing stops you from hanging out with him and flirting with him, but don't get attached until he indicates it's okay to get attached.

 

Agree completely.

 

As for the sick thing, aren't you on certain meds that should NOT be taken with even a smidgen of alcohol? Haven't I asked you that before?

 

If not, I'd get my but to a doctor ASAP, Shadow. There's clearly something physiologically wrong with you. Neither food poisoning or one drink should have you wanting to puke (or actually puking) or collapsing on the grass.

[shadowplay]

Agree completely.

 

As for the sick thing, aren't you on certain meds that should NOT be taken with even a smidgen of alcohol? Haven't I asked you that before?

 

If not, I'd get my but to a doctor ASAP, Shadow. There's clearly something physiologically wrong with you. Neither food poisoning or one drink should have you wanting to puke (or actually puking) or collapsing on the grass.

 

Yeah, I'm a little concerned. I have a physical coming up in two weeks, so maybe that will answer some questions.