Trying not to freak.

[tigressA]

Talk about blowing something all out of proportion. The guy has an open account, so what? I have several open accounts in forums everywhere. Some I leave open on purpose, some I've forgetten about, and some I thought I closed, but some glitch prevented me.You're right to say that actions speak louder than words.

 

Have you any evidence that he has cheated?

No. But in my humble opinion, having an open account on a dating site after you've agreed to be exclusive with someone is not something that helps your case if you want to be trusted.

 

Has he contacted any other woman, that you know of?

No, not that I know of.

 

Are you going to break up with him because he didn't call you when he was sick, AND, horror of horrors, he has an open account on a dating site. Sounds really petty to me.

I don't know. I just don't like it when someone I'm involved with goes back on their word.

 

I guess the best thing to do to "help him feel better" is to give him space. He hasn't contacted me, I guess he doesn't want to talk to me. I'm not going to crowd him by asking him what I can do. I'm not going to do anything.

Edited September 12, 2010 by tigressA

[sugarmomma]

It disturbs me on so many levels when someone tells me that they're gonna do something and don't. That's just leaving the other person hanging and totally inconsiderate.

 

Tigressa, this guy sounds like a lot of work and I would cut my losses. Relationships should be simple and satisfying and this one doesn't appear to be.

 

You deserve the best and if he can't or won't give it to you, move on. Life is too short to waste with ambivalent people who don't know if they want to sit down or stand up.

[JustJoe]

Goes back on his word? HE IS SICK.........for chrissakes. Cut him some slack. TA, I like you, I really do, but your priorities are whacked. A couple of weeks ago, I had an accident on the farm. To make a long story short, I mangled my left pinkie finger and had to amputate about an inch of it. With the drugs and painkillers, I slept for about 18 hours. Instead of stressing about me not calling, my GF left work and broke the sound barrier getting to me to make sure I was OK, then nursed me for a couple of days. My point is, instead of stressing about what is happening to you, did you express any concern for him? Once you found out he was sick, your attitude should have changed from anger to love and caring. JMHO.

[threebyfate]

And once more Tigress. I still think something's not right with his not calling. Sick doesn't mean incapable of contact.

[tigressA]

Goes back on his word? HE IS SICK.........for chrissakes. Cut him some slack. TA, I like you, I really do, but your priorities are whacked. A couple of weeks ago, I had an accident on the farm. To make a long story short, I mangled my left pinkie finger and had to amputate about an inch of it. With the drugs and painkillers, I slept for about 18 hours. Instead of stressing about me not calling, my GF left work and broke the sound barrier getting to me to make sure I was OK, then nursed me for a couple of days. My point is, instead of stressing about what is happening to you, did you express any concern for him? Once you found out he was sick, your attitude should have changed from anger to love and caring. JMHO.

 

I called him 3 times--once Friday night, twice Saturday afternoon, left messages because yeah, I was concerned. I wondered if he was okay, if something had happened. And I had never let him know I had been angry with him when he finally called back. I showed concern the whole time. He did apologize several times for not getting in touch with me before then.

 

Your story's sweet, but it's not something I'm capable of doing due to several circumstances. If I could make my way over to him I would've been there by now, believe me.

[JustJoe]

I'm starting to feel sorry for the guy. He gets sick, and probably doesn't feel like communicating, and instead of his GF being concerned about his well-being, she is inventing reasons to dump him. TA, how much of your concern was about him, and how much was about your fears he was cheating? Honestly, I think everybody should lighten up on the guy. Let him explain himself, when he is on the mend.

Edited September 12, 2010 by JustJoe

[tigressA]

I'm starting to feel sorry for the guy. He gets sick, and probably doesn't feel like communicating, and instead of his GF being concerned about his well-being, she is inventing reasons to dump him. TA, how much of your concern was about him, and how much was about your fears he was cheating? Honestly, I think everybody should lighten up on the guy. Let him explain himself, when he is on the mend.

 

Honestly, my very first thought was that he was cheating. I admit that. But by Saturday when I still hadn't heard from him, that's when I got worried that something had happened to him. I figured that if he had been cheating, he likely would've been wily enough to still contact me in some way on Friday in order to dupe me.

 

And say what you will about his still-open account, but I just cannot see how you think I can totally trust him when his words and actions, on the surface, do not appear to match up, regardless of any evidence of cheating or lack thereof. To me, his words and actions not matching up is evidence that I should be wary of him at the very least.

[JustJoe]

TA, I'm not saying you shouldn't be wary. I think ALL people, in relationships , should be wary. But I also believe that everybody should be given the chance to explain, and not when they are ill, but when they can effectively communicate.

[tigressA]

TA, I'm not saying you shouldn't be wary. I think ALL people, in relationships , should be wary. But I also believe that everybody should be given the chance to explain, and not when they are ill, but when they can effectively communicate.

 

I see what you're saying. And I will cut him slack on the contact due to him being sick. I don't care about that anymore.

 

But at the same time, I just cannot see how he can explain away his still-open account on a dating site, and the fact that he's been regularly logging into it, when he's supposed to be exclusive with me.

[TaurusTerp]

If you dump guys for things like this, the only ones you will end up with are guys that are actually trying to play you. They'll maintain contact daily, say the right things, etc.

 

You're sabotaging your relationship for no reason. Do you actually want out? That's the vibe I'm getting, as you are literally pulling problems from nowhere.

[TaurusTerp]

I see what you're saying. And I will cut him slack on the contact due to him being sick. I don't care about that anymore.

 

But at the same time, I just cannot see how he can explain away his still-open account on a dating site, and the fact that he's been regularly logging into it, when he's supposed to be exclusive with me.

 

Who cares? Is he contacting women? Is he cheating? If not, what's the difference between that and looking at women on the street, looking at porn, etc?

[tigressA]

Really? You guys think there is absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that he has been regularly logging into his account on, yes, I'm making this clear once again, A DATING SITE, for weeks after HE initiated an exclusive status with ME? You honestly see nothing wrong with that? You think that I have a desire to "sabotage" my relationship with this guy for "nothing"?

 

I just am really struggling to see how you can think that that is "nothing".

[tigressA]

Who cares? Is he contacting women? Is he cheating? If not, what's the difference between that and looking at women on the street, looking at porn, etc?

 

Because you're also advertising yourself as single when you're not. He didn't even change his status or what he was looking for or anything. He still has that he's single, he still has that he's looking for women near him for "long term/short term dating" as well as "new friends".

[TaurusTerp]

Really? You guys think there is absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that he has been regularly logging into his account on, yes, I'm making this clear once again, A DATING SITE, for weeks after HE initiated an exclusive status with ME? You honestly see nothing wrong with that? You think that I have a desire to "sabotage" my relationship with this guy for "nothing"?

 

I just am really struggling to see how you can think that that is "nothing".

 

Unless he's actually pursuing women, I wouldn't freak out. Some girl sent him a message with an interesting title, perhaps and he wanted to see it.

 

And now you're changing it to he "REGULARLY" logs in, which you don't even know. He logged in once, thats the extent of your knowledge unless you're leaving out information. Your phrasing is really what makes me think you want out and are looking for a reason.

[JustJoe]

TA, it's not "nothing", but it's not worth breaking up over. IMO, these are the kind of things people need to talk about, when they enter exclusivity, it's about setting boundaries. If you didn't mention it before, chances are, he thinks you are OK with it. I mean he didn't try to hide it did he? When you talk, simply say that you want him to close the account. Problem solved, and no break-up.

[tigressA]

Unless he's actually pursuing women, I wouldn't freak out. Some girl sent him a message with an interesting title, perhaps and he wanted to see it.

 

And now you're changing it to he "REGULARLY" logs in, which you don't even know. He logged in once, thats the extent of your knowledge unless you're leaving out information. Your phrasing is really what makes me think you want out and are looking for a reason.

 

No, I'm not leaving out information. And I never "changed" my story. I assume that he has been regularly logging in because he did that when we were together the first time, and yes, even after establishing exclusivity.

 

I am just feeling wary because while yes, there is no evidence that he is pursuing anyone else, there is also no evidence that he isn't. And the fact that he is still active on that site does not help.

[tigressA]

TA, it's not "nothing", but it's not worth breaking up over. IMO, these are the kind of things people need to talk about, when they enter exclusivity, it's about setting boundaries. If you didn't mention it before, chances are, he thinks you are OK with it. I mean he didn't try to hide it did he? When you talk, simply say that you want him to close the account. Problem solved, and no break-up.

 

Yeah, I didn't think of that before. He could very well think that I'm okay with him still having his account up there because I never once said anything to him about it, even when we were together the first time. No, he never tried to hide it. He never tried to hide anything from me. Yeah, if I talk to him about it (and I will because I really do not like it) I'm sure he'll disable it. It's like I just expected him to read my mind and know that I would have a problem with it without me saying anything.

 

If he gets defensive about it or is ambivalent, then I have a reason to break up with him, because then it's clear that he thinks I'm not enough for him and he really does want more options.

 

He still hasn't logged in again since Thursday, which fits with him basically cutting himself off from the world while being ill since I haven't seen him online in our IM either.

Edited September 12, 2010 by tigressA

[JustJoe]

Unlike a lot of guys, when I'm hurt or sick, I don't want to be "mothered", I want to be left alone. When I hurt my hand, I finally had to tell Babe to get back to work and stop driving me nuts.:laugh: When "C', is better, you probably should talk a little more about boundaries.

[K'aycie]

I agree with what some of the men on here have suggested.

 

But, if you two are in an exclusive relationship, I don't think discussing boundaries with him, should fall on you. When you're in an exclusive relationship, that generally means, you aren't regularly logging into a DATING website with your status still listed as single.

 

That's just disrespectful, IMO.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Maybe he got a message from some random and logged in to check it out?

[tigressA]

Yeah, K'aycie, that's how I tend to see it. But some people here have a point when they say, "Well, did you ever say anything to him about it?"

 

As I said, when I talk to him about it--if he agrees to take it down, and follows through, then fine, all is well. If he gets defensive or is ambivalent about taking it down, then he is dumped. Simple as that.

[K'aycie]

Yeah, K'aycie, that's how I tend to see it. But some people here have a point when they say, "Well, did you ever say anything to him about it?"

 

As I said, when I talk to him about it--if he agrees to take it down, and follows through, then fine, all is well. If he gets defensive or is ambivalent about taking it down, then he is dumped. Simple as that.

 

I suppose. But, it would still bother me, for the same reason why I shouldn't have to tell someone I was in an exclusive relationship with, that they shouldn't be keeping their options open.

 

Maybe that's a stretch on my part, who knows.

[tigressA]

I suppose. But, it would still bother me, for the same reason why I shouldn't have to tell someone I was in an exclusive relationship with, that they shouldn't be keeping their options open.

 

Maybe that's a stretch on my part, who knows.

 

Oh don't get me wrong, it bothers me too. It really does! But part of being involved with someone is understanding their perspective. He very likely thought, "Well, she hasn't said anything to me about this, so she must not care. I've told her I am not interested in seeing anyone else, and since she hasn't brought it up, that must be good enough for her." And who knows, he very well could've just been checking his inbox like SAC and a couple others have suggested.

 

I have faith that when I talk to him and I make it clear that I have a problem with his profile still being up he'll take it down. I don't see why he wouldn't be amenable to it since he was the one who brought up being exclusive.

[ComeUndone]

So....

 

Did he call?

[tigressA]

So....

 

Did he call?

 

No, he didn't.