Trying not to freak.

[tigressA]

he could have made stuff up, though.

 

Yeah, that did cross my mind for a second, but it sounded perfectly plausible to me. And especially in light of the fact that before this happened, he never went without contacting me without a good reason. If he had been reconsidering things, why would he have even bothered to call me back with an explanation like this? He could've just gone on "not responding". I guess we'll see if he contacts me again later tonight.

Edited September 12, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LisaLee]

Ahhh, good for you, Tigress! It is nice that there was a good reason as to why he didn't return your call. At least you didn't have to have that serious conversation with him.

 

Did you ask him about the dating site, though?

[tigressA]

Ahhh, good for you, Tigress! It is nice that there was a good reason as to why he didn't return your call. At least you didn't have to have that serious conversation with him.

 

Did you ask him about the dating site, though?

 

I do plan on talking to him about it tonight, when we talk again. I didn't want to get into any serious talk with him on the phone then, since he was out running an errand and still unwell. He had just called as soon as possible to alleviate my concern. I was focused just on that too, anyway. I had been really worried. I had called and left another message several hours after I called him the first time today. So he had a total of 3 missed calls and VMs on his phone from me by the time he got it back.

[tigressA]

I can't help but still feel a little sheepish at not trusting him with regard to this. I think deep down I knew there had to be a good reason for him not calling me, but my distrusting thought process just took over like it usually does. The first thought in my head was that he was cheating. It wasn't even that he could've been hurt or sick. It was that he was cheating. I still have a way to go when it comes to trusting him, which is kind of sad because at least with regard to contact, he has given me no reason to not trust him.

 

But now that I know he's still active on the dating site...that makes me very suspicious. What's a good way to talk to him about that, let him know I expect him to not be active on that site while we're dating?

[alphamale]

And should I continue to refrain from contacting him until I hear from him?

eat a lot of bon bons

[tigressA]

eat a lot of bon bons

 

Oh Alpha, you always know just what to say...

[D-Lish]

I'd still be leery- I mean, he might not have had his phone for 2 days, but he could have e-mailed you to tell you so... That's what most of us would have done- sick or not, right?

 

I would absolutely be wondering about him logging onto the dating site when you two have discussed exclusivity....And it just coincidentally happened at the same time he went MIA? I wouldn't go feeling all guilty for not believing in him just yet T. He logged into the dating site Thursday- so he was feeling fine enough to do that, but not well enough to shoot you a message that he wasn't well and didn't have his phone? Still sounds fishy...

[ComeUndone]

I can't help but still feel a little sheepish at not trusting him with regard to this. I think deep down I knew there had to be a good reason for him not calling me, but my distrusting thought process just took over like it usually does. The first thought in my head was that he was cheating. It wasn't even that he could've been hurt or sick. It was that he was cheating. I still have a way to go when it comes to trusting him, which is kind of sad because at least with regard to contact, he has given me no reason to not trust him.

 

But now that I know he's still active on the dating site...that makes me very suspicious. What's a good way to talk to him about that, let him know I expect him to not be active on that site while we're dating?

 

Well I'm glad he called.... at least you have that relief.

 

I would just tell him that, because he hadn't returned your phone call Friday, you were worried and you got on the site to see if he had been on... looking for a sign of life. I have done this very thing with my bf - after no call back from him after a day of rock climbing, I was really worried and I looked on a forum he posts on daily to see if there was new activity - voila! ...there was, and at least I didn't have to worry about him lying at the bottom of a mountain somewhere. So if you feel you need to give him some explanation as to why you were checking in on that site, there's it is.

 

Anyway, just tell him you noticed that he still has an active account, that you wouldn't expect him to be checking it if you two are exclusive, as you have agreed upon, and you want to know what's going on. Don't sound accusatory, just ask him for clarification as to his purpose for checking it. It may be a valid one, who knows... just wait and see what he says and then figure out your next step.

[ComeUndone]

I'd still be leery- I mean, he might not have had his phone for 2 days, but he could have e-mailed you to tell you so... That's what most of us would have done- sick or not, right?

 

I would absolutely be wondering about him logging onto the dating site when you two have discussed exclusivity....And it just coincidentally happened at the same time he went MIA? I wouldn't go feeling all guilty for not believing in him just yet T. He logged into the dating site Thursday- so he was feeling fine enough to do that, but not well enough to shoot you a message that he wasn't well and didn't have his phone? Still sounds fishy...

 

I ditto this... it does seems fishy. Just ask him about it and pay close attention his reaction and response. If you feel something is off then go with your gut.

[TaurusTerp]

I dont know how much of this has seeped through to him, but this jealousy and clinginess is probably why I've dumped 80% of the girls i've gone out with. It's suffocating and incredibly unpleasant.

 

He's given you no reason to suspect that he'd cheat, right? Give him the benefit of the doubt.

[LisaLee]

That's what most of us would have done- sick or not, right?

 

If I am sick I'm not crawling out of bed, much less getting on the net and sending an email. But that's just me. But I am curious about logging into the dating site.

[tigressA]

Well I'm glad he called.... at least you have that relief.

 

I would just tell him that, because he hadn't returned your phone call Friday, you were worried and you got on the site to see if he had been on... looking for a sign of life. I have done this very thing with my bf - after no call back from him after a day of rock climbing, I was really worried and I looked on a forum he posts on daily to see if there was new activity - voila! ...there was, and at least I didn't have to worry about him lying at the bottom of a mountain somewhere. So if you feel you need to give him some explanation as to why you were checking in on that site, there's it is.

 

Anyway, just tell him you noticed that he still has an active account, that you wouldn't expect him to be checking it if you two are exclusive, as you have agreed upon, and you want to know what's going on. Don't sound accusatory, just ask him for clarification as to his purpose for checking it. It may be a valid one, who knows... just wait and see what he says and then figure out your next step.

 

Okay, I really like that idea. I will go about it this way. Thanks.

 

D-Lish, I was wondering that too. But like I said in an earlier post, it just had his login date--not a specific time. And I checked my IM logs, and technically, it had been Thursday--albeit 2 A.M. or so Thursday--when we had last talked. It's likely that he was just on there at around the same time we were talking.

 

I am still very suspicous of it though, don't get me wrong. I really don't think there's any valid reason for him to continue being active on that site. If you're looking for new friends, there's always Facebook, or other sites that aren't primarily dating-oriented. There's also real life.

 

LisaLee: Yeah, I agree with what you posted. I'm not worried about the fact that he didn't email or anything. He had said a few times this past week when we talked that he was feeling really burnt-out. I'm not surprised he got sick. A lot of times we'll be up until 2, 3 A.M. talking on and off. And he has to get up at 7:30 to be at the office by 9. He's been running on near empty for awhile, pretty much since we got back together.

Edited September 12, 2010 by tigressA

[D-Lish]

I dont know how much of this has seeped through to him, but this jealousy and clinginess is probably why I've dumped 80% of the girls i've gone out with. It's suffocating and incredibly unpleasant.

 

He's given you no reason to suspect that he'd cheat, right? Give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Well I agree that there is some needy behaviour on the part of T. I wouldn't have ever called a guy ONCE, let alone TWICE, if he told me he was going to call me. If a guy tells me he's going to call me- the ball's in his court. I won't chase someone that can't be bothered to follow through. Not in the early stages of a relationship.

 

The fact that he was on the dating site does indicate that he is actively looking for other women. I know when I dated my last ex, whom I met online- it took him 4 months to take down his profile. I really liked him, but I also knew that pushing him to take the profile down wasn't a good move. I took mine down and just waited to see what he was going to do. One day he just took the profile down all on his own- and that was far more rewarding than pressuring him to do so. I admit- it drove me crazy inside my head, but I just played it cool.

[tigressA]

 

The fact that he was on the dating site does indicate that he is actively looking for other women. I know when I dated my last ex, whom I met online- it took him 4 months to take down his profile. I really liked him, but I also knew that pushing him to take the profile down wasn't a good move. I took mine down and just waited to see what he was going to do. One day he just took the profile down all on his own- and that was far more rewarding than pressuring him to do so. I admit- it drove me crazy inside my head, but I just played it cool.

 

What, so you're suggesting that I "play it cool" and wait until he takes it down all by himself? Should I not talk to him about this? We agreed to exclusivity--HE was the one who brought it up. But he still has an active profile. I disabled mine over a month ago, before we even reconciled; I only re-enabled it to see if he was still active, since I hadn't heard from him. I'm not going to just let this lie. I'm not going to "play it cool".

Edited September 12, 2010 by tigressA

[Pink Cupcakes]

You are a very rude person and I can understand why this guy's heart really isn't in it with you.

 

 

Yeah, that did cross my mind for a second, but it sounded perfectly plausible to me. And especially in light of the fact that before this happened, he never went without contacting me without a good reason. If he had been reconsidering things, why would he have even bothered to call me back with an explanation like this? He could've just gone on "not responding". I guess we'll see if he contacts me again later tonight.

 

I've noticed that you seem to be rather unhelpful and antagonistic in a lot of threads here, including mine. Just to make it clear, I don't like you.

[D-Lish]

What, so you're suggesting that I "play it cool" and wait until he takes it down all by himself? Should I not talk to him about this? We agreed to exclusivity--HE was the one who brought it up. But he still has an active profile. I disabled mine over a month ago, before we even reconciled; I only re-enabled it to see if he was still active, since I hadn't heard from him. I'm not going to just let this lie. I'm not going to "play it cool".

 

Then don't play it cool, that's up to you.

My ex and I never discussed exclusivity, so as much as I wanted it to become a real relationship, since we hadn't discussed things- I wanted him to come to the conclusion that he wanted to take his profile down on his own. Having him come to his own conclusion, without pressure from me was more rewarding in our situation. We had been engaging in gf/bf behaviour already- but I am never one to push a relationship.

 

Had we discussed exclusivity, then I found him on a dating site, I would have dumped him without a second thought and never looked back.

 

I still don't buy the "sick, left my phone at work" scenario. You know this guy best because you are supposedly "with him", so only you can know if it's a rouse or not.

[D-Lish]

If I am sick I'm not crawling out of bed, much less getting on the net and sending an email. But that's just me. But I am curious about logging into the dating site.

 

sick or not- if I like someone, and I left my phone at work, I'll shoot them an e-mail to let them know I am not well and I'll get in touch when I get better. My first instinct is that he's being deceptive.

[tigressA]

Well for now I buy it because like I said earlier in this thread, he wouldn't go without contacting me without a valid reason. I did freak out, yes, but as I also said previously, I am still working through my trust issues. I had to keep telling myself that he has, as yet, given me no reason to not trust him. If he doesn't contact me tonight like he said he would, then I'm going to dump him.

 

And while I agree with you that there is no valid reason for him to still be active on the site, perhaps he sees it differently. I don't know how he would see it, but that's part of why I'm going to talk to him about it.

 

In regard to the "sick or not, I'd email at least, etc etc", I can see both your point, D, and LisaLee's. I may bring that up in the conversation too.

Edited September 12, 2010 by tigressA

[TaurusTerp]

Look tigress, if you don't trust him, just break up now. It's not as though it'll be easier when he heads off to India and you won't be in daily contact.

 

If you do trust him, then ignore the posters talking about him being deceptive. They're just projecting from their past untrustworthy boyfriends onto this guy. Until he actually gives you a SOLID reason to suspect him of anything, you should trust him completely. A relationship built on distrust will rarely succeed.

[tigressA]

Look tigress, if you don't trust him, just break up now. It's not as though it'll be easier when he heads off to India and you won't be in daily contact.

 

If you do trust him, then ignore the posters talking about him being deceptive. They're just projecting from their past untrustworthy boyfriends onto this guy. Until he actually gives you a SOLID reason to suspect him of anything, you should trust him completely. A relationship built on distrust will rarely succeed.

 

I know. I know. I feel like deep down I do trust him; it's just that my brain still goes to these worst-case scenarios. I'm still working on that. And I have been betrayed by others before, and been the betrayer...

 

So, do you think his logging onto a dating site after establishing exclusivity with me is a solid reason to suspect him of anything? Or not?

[sugarmomma]

The fact that he has an active dating profile speaks louder than anything he could ever say about exclusivity. If I were you, I would reactivate my account and keep my options open since he seems to be doing the same thing. I can't think of leaving someone I care for hanging like he did. You have to know what your boundaries are or you will keep finding yourself in uncomfortable situations like this.

 

Disappearing acts are a huge red flag.

[elaina]

Had we discussed exclusivity, then I found him on a dating site, I would have dumped him without a second thought and never looked back.

 

Agreed!

 

I think that couples who have the exclusivity talk who have online dating profiles should have a deleting profile party and delete each others' account (with the other one logging in of course, and if you don't want the person to see your password or anything, bring a handy dandy blindfold ) Afterwards, they should go celebrate!

 

Ok, maybe the above is a tiny bit childish but still...

 

About him being sick and not calling, I'm like that when I'm sick. I refuse to talk on the phone except to call in to work to tell them I'm sick and then I just like to sleep the sickness off and eat ice cream and watch old musicals till I feel better. But yeah, I do text my loved one to say I'm sick so don't bother me.

 

Maybe some men though just think, "I'll call her later when I feel better." ?

[tigressA]

I actually just updated my profile with a few new pictures, and edited some of the text. I'm sorely tempted to pull something like this next time we talk:

 

"Hey, so have you met anyone interesting on OKCupid recently? Yeah, well a little while ago this guy just sent me a message; he's pretty cute. Haven't responded to him yet though....

 

Oh? Really? Well, you know, today I ended up thinking we must not be exclusive, since I saw you're still logging into your OKCupid profile. I thought it would be perfectly okay for me to start meeting other people, since you're still on there and that must mean you're doing the same thing. I mean, you said you wanted to be exclusive, but then I saw that and I was like, 'Huh, I guess he didn't really mean that after all! Well, that's cool, I can go meet other guys then!'" :laugh:

 

See what he says to that!

[elaina]

I actually just updated my profile with a few new pictures, and edited some of the text. I'm sorely tempted to pull something like this next time we talk:

 

"Hey, so have you met anyone interesting on OKCupid recently? Yeah, well a little while ago this guy just sent me a message; he's pretty cute. Haven't responded to him yet though....

 

Oh? Really? Well, you know, today I ended up thinking we must not be exclusive, since I saw you're still logging into your OKCupid profile. I thought it would be perfectly okay for me to start meeting other people, since you're still on there and that must mean you're doing the same thing. I mean, you said you wanted to be exclusive, but then I saw that and I was like, 'Huh, I guess he didn't really mean that after all! Well, that's cool, I can go meet other guys then!'" :laugh:

 

See what he says to that!

 

Lol

 

I don't see the harm in putting up your profile again and see if he notices and says anything. Maybe then he would come to you and say, "hey! I thought we were exclusive? Do you not like me anymore?" and use the sweet big eye look that makes you melt and then you could say, "okay, I guess I'll take it down, since you put it that way.... after you take down yours!"

 

Maybe it wouldn't go that way, but that would be fun if it did.

[threebyfate]

I agree with D. Something's not right in Kansas.

 

But I wouldn't discuss the online profile in that way. Just keep your profile up.

 

You mentioned that he was visiting his parents in India for 5 weeks. Does he do this regularly? 5 weeks is a very long visit.