Trying not to freak.

[ComeUndone]

Hmm, well it's still pretty early into the relationship, but he has basically set the pace for how frequently you guys talk, and just disappearing for a few days without so much as a text or return phone call... not ok. Maybe you ought to mirror his actions, perhaps some upcoming weekend you too should disappear.

[Star Gazer]

Maybe you ought to mirror his actions, perhaps some upcoming weekend you too should disappear.

 

OMG, no. Don't play games, that's just silly. T is an adult, she should behave like one.

 

And it's not that I can't call him my BF or SO. It's not like that at all. He in no way ever stated that that wasn't allowed.

 

None of the 5 billion (or however many) men on earth have told me that I can't call them my BF or SO, or that it isn't allowed, either.

 

You two need to talk like adults about this, and the other expectations in your "relationship," including communication.

[tigressA]

SG: I don't know. That doesn't really seem like his style.

 

Sugarmomma: No, he has not pulled a disappearing act like this before. We had a big fight that led us to split the first time. He had suggested taking a break, taking some time for ourselves, to figure things out. I agreed.

 

JJ: Yes, it is the same guy. And no, what you've suggested is not possible. It just wouldn't make any sense at all. We had the fight on Saturday night. I was with him at his place until Monday afternoon, when he dropped me off, and we talked Monday night, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

 

ComeUndone: I wouldn't disappear just because he has. That to me is playing games. I will just tell him I was concerned, and let him know that what he did was not okay.

[tigressA]

None of the 5 billion (or however many) men on earth have told me that I can't call them my BF or SO, or that it isn't allowed, either.

 

You two need to talk like adults about this, and the other expectations in your "relationship," including communication.

 

Who said that neither of us were talking like adults in the first place? Honestly, I'm not too concerned with "what we are", beyond being exclusive.

[TaurusTerp]

PG: He never said anything to me about being out of town. He did say that he was going to take this weekend for himself since he had a lot of stuff to do, etc. He is going back home to India for 5 weeks, starting next month.

 

He said he wanted a weekend to himself...why don't you give it to him? He already told you what was going to happen, you just inferred that a weekend for himself = a weekend for himself + time for you, incorrectly.

[TaurusTerp]

Really, you should stop freaking out until you have more information. Perhaps it's something more, but perhaps he just needs a weekend to recharge. Surely you've felt that way before.

[tigressA]

He said he wanted a weekend to himself...why don't you give it to him? He already told you what was going to happen, you just inferred that a weekend for himself = a weekend for himself + time for you, incorrectly.

 

No, he didn't tell me what was going to happen just by saying he wanted a weekend to himself. I don't take that to mean "I'm not going to be in contact with you at all." Additionally, I have not heard from him since Wednesday night. Nothing on Thursday, nothing on Friday. So this disappearing act was underway before the weekend ever started.

[Star Gazer]

Who said that neither of us were talking like adults in the first place?

 

Your other threads. You admit that you don't talk to him about how you're feeling. You feed him the "I'm fine" line when you're really not, let it boil up, then explode. That's not communicating like an adult.

 

*shrug*

[tigressA]

Your other threads. You admit that you don't talk to him about how you're feeling. You feed him the "I'm fine" line when you're really not, let it boil up, then explode. That's not communicating like an adult.

 

*shrug*

 

Oh, right. That. Well, things had markedly improved since then. That's another reason why his lack of contact is so unnerving.

 

And the "testing" thing...I did call him Friday night. If it had been just a test, wouldn't he have answered? I think so.

Edited September 11, 2010 by tigressA

[tigressA]

I got a spam email from his address just now in my inbox. Funny. You don't have to be online to have those sent out do you? I'm not exactly a tech geek.

[JustJoe]

I've never seen a luscious techno geek, yet. TA, sweetie, it maybe nothing more than that weekend thing he was talking about. Don't sweat it til Sunday. Hey, maybe you can have a girl's night , tommorrow night?

[tigressA]

In any case, I really don't know what's going on...conjecture is useless. I've just been trying to keep suspicions at bay. It's difficult, what with me still working through my trust issues. He told me that if he was ever upset with something/lost interest/met someone else, he'd be up front with me about it, not just disappear. And so far he has been up front about that--he has told me directly any time he's been upset, and what he was upset about. So I really should just trust him and try to keep calm about the whole thing.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It's a lot healthier for your state of mind to keep all conjectures at bay. Bottom line is, he should call you if he says he will, and not responding to your call is not cool either. When you do get back in contact with him, I agree with others who have said you need to address this with him - in a calm, casual, not angry or accusatory way. We all want to be in a relationship with a person we can count upon to do what they say they will.

 

I might be confused about the timeline, but last time you were together (with his friends) wasn't there some kind of negative situation between you?

[tigressA]

I might be confused about the timeline, but last time you were together (with his friends) wasn't there some kind of negative situation between you?

 

Yeah, Labor Day weekend. We had a fight that Saturday night, but I don't see how that could be relevant at all anymore since it was resolved that night, I was still with him until Monday afternoon, and we talked every day since then--with him initiating contact, as usual--until Thursday.

 

I will definitely address this with him. It is very, very unlike him to not return any of my efforts to contact him. Most of the time he answers his phone and tells me up front if it's a bad time and that he'll call me back, or he won't pick up, but he will call me back. I'm trying hard not to call him again. I want to give him his space, if that's what this is all about, but on the other hand this is just so out of the ordinary, and I'm concerned.

Edited September 11, 2010 by tigressA

[tigressA]

Ugh, I caved and called him again, just now. Again, he didn't answer, so I left a message. I said that since I haven't heard from him in a couple days I'm a little concerned, and to please call me back as soon as he gets the message. I did ramble a little bit, but the overall message is clear.

 

Something that really pisses me off about this is that there have been times when I wasn't available to answer his calls, and he would leave voicemails wondering if I was upset with him for something because I wasn't answering, when in fact I was just away from my phone. And I would always call him back as soon as I saw that he had called. And now he has the nerve to not respond at all to my calls. :mad:

 

If he doesn't call me back at all today I am officially done with him. If he can't be bothered to return a call from me with the kind of message I left, indicating my concern about him, then he's not worth any effort from me at all anymore. Ugh, I am so pissed right now!

[O'Malley]

It's a lot healthier for your state of mind to keep all conjectures at bay. Bottom line is, he should call you if he says he will, and not responding to your call is not cool either. When you do get back in contact with him, I agree with others who have said you need to address this with him - in a calm, casual, not angry or accusatory way. We all want to be in a relationship with a person we can count upon to do what they say they will.

 

Agreed, and to add: get out of the house. Turn off your phone. Exercise, go to the park, go out to a new restaurant or club, hang out with your friends. See if there are any cute guys at your local bookstore or coffee house.

 

The worst thing you can do to yourself is to wait around for someone to contact you who hasn't put it high on his list of priorities at this time. Give yourself some much needed space; think about if this relationship is really making you content, or if all the roller coaster-ing is worth your trouble.

[tigressA]

I only wish I could get out of the house right this second, but I can't. It's kind of a story but I have a job as a live-in caretaker and I have to be around when the woman's partner isn't. On top of that we live out in the boondocks and I don't know how to drive...I have so much solitude on a regular basis that it's beginning to drive me crazy. Anything that would help resolve that issue wouldn't be an overnight kind of solution. And I think I'm PMSing. I tend to overreact with stuff like this when I'm hormonal, and the circumstances I deal with every day don't help.

 

There hasn't been any rollercoaster-ing since we got back together. Everything was just fine until this weekend. I was content until this weekend. I was a priority for him until this weekend. I don't know what changed.

 

I did turn my phone off just now. He'll be low-priority for me for the rest of the weekend, like I am for him.

Edited September 11, 2010 by tigressA

[tigressA]

Out of curiosity, I re-enabled my online dating profile. I had had it disabled for over a month. He's still active...the last time he logged in was...ding ding ding, Thursday! He logs into his account but doesn't have time to contact me at all that day?

 

At this point I am just about finished. He told me he wanted to be exclusive from the very beginning but he's still logging into his account?! Granted we didn't talk about disabling our accounts but hello, why would you still bother with something like that if you really want to be exclusive with someone?

 

Edit: I just realized that it didn't give a specific time, just the date. And technically when we talked last, it was Thursday--after midnight. But still...the fact that he's still active isn't good.

Edited September 11, 2010 by tigressA

[LisaLee]

Tigress, I feel for you, this is very rude of him! Especially if you are use to daily contact from him... my mind would be going crazy, thinking he was in a car wreck or some sort of accident. This type of inconsideration is totally uncalled for. On top of that he claims he wants to be exclusive but is still logging into his dating profile... I hope you have a very serious talk with him the next time he calls. I'm angry for you.

[tigressA]

Oh you better believe I'll have a talk with him, LL...I'll let him have it.

 

On second thought, perhaps that's not very adult.

 

I'm going to tell him that I think it was inconsiderate of him to not contact me at all, what with the pattern of daily contact that was established, and that it was especially rude to not return my calls, particularly after I expressed concern about him via voicemail. I'm also going to ask him why he feels the desire to continue to log into his dating profile when he said that he wants to be exclusive with me.

[Pink Cupcakes]

I imagine after your volitile Labor Day Weekend, he is reconsidering the relationship.

I wouldn't sweat it too much. He just isn't making you happy, and hasn't for quite a while now, according to your posts.

[tigressA]

I imagine after your volitile Labor Day Weekend, he is reconsidering the relationship.

I wouldn't sweat it too much. He just isn't making you happy, and hasn't for quite a while now, according to your posts.

 

Again, as I've reiterated several times in this thread, that just would not make any sense, since things had been great after we resolved our one conflict we had that weekend. And before that conflict, since the reconciliation, things had been going very well.

[Pink Cupcakes]

If you feel it "doesn't make sense" that he's reconsidering the relationship, then why are you freaking out then?

[tigressA]

Wow, do I feel incredibly sheepish.

 

He called me at around five. He woke me up from a nap. As soon as I said "Hello" he apologized for causing me so much concern. He said that he had gone to work Friday, but left early because he was feeling really ill, and that he had left his phone in his desk drawer. He was feeling a little better today so he went back to get it, and that's when he got my messages. He called when he was at a pharmacy to get some medicine; he was running a fever. He said that he hadn't bothered to get online since then either. I suspect he had started feeling ill Thursday, since I hadn't heard from him then. He said he was really sorry for making me worry so much, and he was touched that I showed so much concern by leaving those messages. He said we would talk later tonight.

 

So that part is solved. He definitely is far from being completely off the hook yet though. I am planning on talking to him tonight about his profile still being active.

[Pink Cupcakes]

he could have made stuff up, though.