Is he just controlling me?

[pureinheart]

I married my best friend in the world, we had some happy times. But when things weren't so happy he threatened to kill me (he never meant it) and harrassed me a good deal. We have since formed a friendship; that has now dwindled to nothing and we co-parent well (always have done) but have no relationship of our own.

 

What I am trying to say is... even the kindest most gentle people can find themselves at an extreme. Not okay, but it does happen. I totally agree with PIH and would also say that although you shouldn't ignore how he is behaving, I don't think you should make assumptions about him and his likely attitude in the future. Or let his behaviour colour your decisions.

 

Hi SG, your right, even those that have the best of intentions can freak out...actually we are all capable of it at varying degrees...well ya, I guess friends is a bit much, but when I talk to them there are no problems and they'ed be there for me if I needed them...they have other mates now so friends isn't exactly the right wording for now anyway:).

 

Also thanks SG...although I didn't communicate it like usual, I had horrible thoughts about this MM which can fuel imaginations.

[Fallen Angel]

Noelle,

 

I experienced "morning sickness" from a few days after conception until the day I delivered. Fortunately though, it is a short term problem for most women.

 

I found that having a glass of flat, room temp gingerale (made with real ginger) next to the bed to sip before trying to get up in the morning was helpful.

 

Also, taking a pre-natal vitamin about three hours before bed. (if you take it closer to bedtime you may end up with heart burn issues from it! )

 

Salty snacks (in moderation) before getting up helps a bit too. (I bought the small pretzel sticks and would just suck the salt on them as trying to eat them was sometimes to much for my tummy to take.)

 

With my twins I had to be put on an anti-nasuea medication that is generally used for patients who take chemo-therapy but you are unlikely to have to go to that extreme.

 

I also found setting my alarm clock to go off 30 minutes earlier than I needed to get out of bed, and then hitting snooze a few times allowed me to wake up more gently and it seemed to help with the morning sickness as well.

 

A cool rag to the back of the neck, and the wrists can help with the flushed feeling that morning sickness brings, and I know it sounds silly but putting one foot flat on the floor while the rest of you stays laying down seems to help sometimes.

 

Most importantly, remember, this will pass. You will not feel sick every morning for the rest of your life. I promise.

 

((hugs to you)) and many good and peaceful thoughts sent your way.

[Ellin]

Noelle, I'm thinking about you and wishing you the best. You need a lot of support right now, so please talk to whoever is protective of you, especially your parents.

 

Not the MM, though, keep him at a distance because he doesn't sound nice at all, he might havee seemed to be a lovely man, but now in the time of need he is failing the test miserably. His presence around you is definitely not helping, quite the opposite.

 

And since he's not helpful, leave him out of the picture while deciding what is best for YOU, what it is you really want in your heart and how you imagine your future.

 

You definitely need to be surrounded by kindness and care so please turn to someone you trust.

 

And before you decide either way, make sure this is what you really want as there is no rewinding the time.

 

Big hugs for you.

[bentnotbroken]

You are really lucky to have both parents Noelle. Take advantage of their support and love them all you can while you have them.

 

 

She is blessed to have them both. They may be a little disappointed, but most parents step it up when their children need them.

[Fieldsofgold]

My daughter came home her junior year from college and told me she was pregnant. My primary reaction was gratitude that she told me.

 

It all worked out well in the long run. She has her doctorate and a successful career, and a teenager who is the joy of our lives. Without any contact from "dad."

 

Remember that even though your parents have been married for 25 years, I'll bet they haven't always been perfect - probably have a few secrets from their young years they'd rather not divulge!

 

The MM did exactly what I thought he'd do if he went with you and you decided not to go through with it. HIS BEHAVIOR has cost him his right to input in this situation. Please do NOT contact him again, and please, please, please tell your parents.

 

At his age and his experience level, if the consequences of his abusive behavior are clearly explained to him, he won't cross that line. And, BTW, his behavior IS ABUSIVE. Stay away from him.

 

Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.

[joseygirl]

Noelle, (that is my middle name and i love it)

I do believe that he is trying to influence you. That being the question you asked in the beginned of the thread. I don't want to thread jack but just offer you encouragement to take your time making this decision and not feel pushed by him. Telling him you need space is the best thing right now.

 

When I was 23 I had an abortion. I was pregnant from a boyfriend that I didn't see a future with and was scared. It was a very traumatic experience as I had an internal struggle going on. I moved quickly and he was relieved as he didn't want the child. I had the abortion.... and moved on. I am now 36 going on 37 and desperately want children. My marriage ended last year after 11 yrs and we tried to have children for a period of time. I don't know if I will be able to have children naturally or not as the doctors seem to think I would need to go in vitro... but there have been so many days I wished I had had that child. I am no divorced and alone at 37 and in no way am I saying that you should have the child or not have it... I just wish I'd taken longer to consider all the possible outcomes.... and I wish that I'd spoken to someone older and wiser. It is a blessing that so many people on this site come back to support and give advice as I have found so much of the advice on here useful.

 

You have a bit of time before you are past the time where you could have the pregnancy terminated. Rest your mind and your heart and just take the time to find out what is right for you. I am sending loving energy your way and hope that you will find the lessons and blessings that this experience is here to give you.

 

:)

[pureinheart]

Noelle, (that is my middle name and i love it)

I do believe that he is trying to influence you. That being the question you asked in the beginned of the thread. I don't want to thread jack but just offer you encouragement to take your time making this decision and not feel pushed by him. Telling him you need space is the best thing right now.

 

When I was 23 I had an abortion. I was pregnant from a boyfriend that I didn't see a future with and was scared. It was a very traumatic experience as I had an internal struggle going on. I moved quickly and he was relieved as he didn't want the child. I had the abortion.... and moved on. I am now 36 going on 37 and desperately want children. My marriage ended last year after 11 yrs and we tried to have children for a period of time. I don't know if I will be able to have children naturally or not as the doctors seem to think I would need to go in vitro... but there have been so many days I wished I had had that child. I am no divorced and alone at 37 and in no way am I saying that you should have the child or not have it... I just wish I'd taken longer to consider all the possible outcomes.... and I wish that I'd spoken to someone older and wiser. It is a blessing that so many people on this site come back to support and give advice as I have found so much of the advice on here useful.

 

You have a bit of time before you are past the time where you could have the pregnancy terminated. Rest your mind and your heart and just take the time to find out what is right for you. I am sending loving energy your way and hope that you will find the lessons and blessings that this experience is here to give you.

 

:)

 

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))) I am so very sorry JG:(

[2sunny]

At his age and his experience level, if the consequences of his abusive behavior are clearly explained to him, he won't cross that line. And, BTW, his behavior IS ABUSIVE. Stay away from him.

 

 

if what you have stated is true - then he is abusive, both emotionally and physically.

 

if that is the case - file a restraining order on him so you feel protected enough to not be at his mercy every time he wants to try to control you.

 

this action is critical if you intend to keep the child. keep yourself safe from him.

[Fallen Angel]

Noelle,

 

Thinking of you, hoping you are well. Please drop us a note and let us know you are okay. ((hugs))

[noelle303]

Hey everyone! Just a quickie letting you know whats going on so right now...

 

I'm keeping the baby. My parents know the whole story, and I am very very thankful and blessed that they stand fully by my side.

 

At the moment I am not speaking to MM at all, there's no contact until me and my dad (he's a lawyer) figure out the best way to go at this legally, and we all figure out the best way to go at this privately and emotionally. I'm gonna have a child and need to figure out the best way to live for him/her.

 

I'm just about 11 weeks pregnant and have a sonogram soon to see the baby.

 

 

Thank you all for your support and advice, you really helped! And I will update you further when there is more to say and ask...

 

xxx

[jj33]

Im so pleased for you that your parents are being so supportive (and I must say surprised as I didnt expect they would be based on what you disclosed about yourself and your background).

 

Im sure that knowing your parents are supportive of your decision you will be really pleased that you made the decision you did.

 

Also very good news that you are not speaking to MM. Im sure your father and his colleagues will take good care of you on the legal front and that MM knowing that they are now involved will tread very carefully.

 

This is a real cautionary tale for WSs.

 

Wishing the best for you and the baby.

 

jj

[noelle303]

Im so pleased for you that your parents are being so supportive (and I must say surprised as I didnt expect they would be based on what you disclosed about yourself and your background).

 

 

jj

 

Thank you JJ!

 

Tbh, I was really scared of telling them... I mean, no one in my family has ever gotten pregnant at this age, or unmarried. And I'm not gonna lie, my parents were really upset and disappointed. They want the best for me, my dad is really academic and we are quite close, he takes so much pride in me (I'm an only child) so this was a big hit for them.

 

But they love me above anything else, and my dad said that he knows this has the biggest impact on MY life and that they are there to help me build a life for myself.

[Capris]

Wow what a story. I serisouly am proud and happy of your strength! I really hope everything truns out great for you and your child!

 

I thought about not posting at all after everything is on its way but then again if a post from a total stranger can change your life decision, than you shouldnt make it at all right?

 

So here's my thoughts.

I sometimes wonder what i would do in a similiar situation and always answer my self "i can only decide if it really ever happens to me". I have never been pregnant or had a real crave for a baby. Weird thing is that i would love my MM to be the Father of my children but of course if we ever shared a life...

 

..But plans ,sometimes, dont work out. So every time i think of what if i get pregnant? I try to think it all through like: this is a child, its a life comitment, the MM could mean nothing more to me in a couple of years, but its the baby's father.

 

Besides the hard position of being a single Mother ( i dearly admire those who make it). I cant imagine myself lying to my kid about his dad or telling him the truth and his dad not wanting to see him or something.Both are bad come outs, yes good things can happen, im just working on the worst case scenarios.

On the other hand, its not the childs fault, why deny it its life? Well thats an answer i cant get cause i have never been pregnant.

Everything might turn out good with the Father, you never know. Of course he is flipped out, how will he explain this to his family? cause he will have to at some point. Its not like someone caught you guys kissing or something, its a human being that may arrive on his wife's doorstep one day asking about his father (yeah, i watch alot of movies)

 

Its good that your family knows everything and they are there to support you, that must be the thing that helped you decide having the baby, at least it would make me more positive on the thought.

 

Everything seems to be good with the people who are in this situation, you, him, your family, things are starting to get into order for your marvelous decision on keeping the baby. But you guys will have to consider the baby too. Thats where my thoughts would be. What are you going to tell it? Will the Father be part of his life? Will he know who his Father is? As much as i dont like the thought of not giving an unborn child the chance to live, i dont like the idea of giving a born child the chance to suffer for the rest of his life. I would try to keep things as clear as i could with the father and the child, but of course im just behind my desk and things seem easy from over here.

 

Ok these are just my thoughts. You are handling a situation i could only imagine. Im glad you made yout decision and have support too!

I guess its like everything else in life, if you work hard to make it, you will!

Again, for me its easy cause im sitting behind my desk typing my thoughts away.

 

I really hope everything turns out happy!!

[TaraMaiden]

Hey everyone! Just a quickie letting you know whats going on so right now...

 

I'm keeping the baby. My parents know the whole story, and I am very very thankful and blessed that they stand fully by my side.

 

At the moment I am not speaking to MM at all, there's no contact until me and my dad (he's a lawyer) figure out the best way to go at this legally, and we all figure out the best way to go at this privately and emotionally. I'm gonna have a child and need to figure out the best way to live for him/her.

 

I'm just about 11 weeks pregnant and have a sonogram soon to see the baby.

 

 

Thank you all for your support and advice, you really helped! And I will update you further when there is more to say and ask...

 

xxx

 

Congratulations.

This must truly have been the hardest decision you've ever had to make and for what it's worth, (and it may be amoebic in significance) I personally am extremely pleased that you came to the decision you did. It must have been hugely difficult, and I wish you every success, good fortune and blessing. It's a momentous thing to decide to continue with a pregnancy of this kind, and you have my deep and abiding respect for it all.

And let me tell you swiftly, I truly, hand on heart thought nothing else of you, faced with the dilemma you faced. My opinion of you would have been the same, regardless.... But I wish you well.

 

Insofar as the legal situation is concerned, I think the Law is rightly unemotional about such matters. The father has a responsibility to the child. Make sure he faces that.Take care of yourself, and keep all the virtual pseudo aunties and uncles, here on LS up to date with progress.

With you hun, and happy for your gain.

 

_/l\_ (hands together palm-to-palm).

[Fallen Angel]

Noelle,

 

Lovely... simply lovely!!

 

Congratulations on the start of a wonderful new life. For yourself and your lil peanut!!

 

Many hugs and well wishes. And may the Gods of love and life smile upon you and yours in all the years to come.

[desertIslandCactus]

Honey, I am so proud of you and your parents. From what you had earlier said, I knew they were this kind of loving supportive people. And somehow I knew that you had pretty much made your decision before telling your parents.

 

As a parent who has seen this, I promise you: This child will capture everyone's Hearts from the day he/she is born.

[Fieldsofgold]

I am also very happy for your decision, and echo the sentiments of the posters before me. Trust me, it won't be long before you will understand what we are all talking about when we tell you how it is so worth it all.

 

Please keep us updated!

[donnamaybe]

lil peanut

Ha ha. That's what my son and his fiance call my grand daughter.

 

Noelle, I am SOOO happy for you. Happy mostly because you have such wonderful, supportive parents. Happy also because of your choice to have your baby. When you first hold your baby in your arms you will feel a rush of love that you never thought possible.

 

What a great outcome!

[lilbunny]

Noelle, I am so glad you have spoken to your parents and have their love and support to help you through.

 

I did suspect that you were leaning this way from your posts.

 

I hope your sickness has eased and you are feeling better physically.

 

Good luck to you and your baby, keep us updated.

[2sunny]

Hey everyone! Just a quickie letting you know whats going on so right now...

 

I'm keeping the baby. My parents know the whole story, and I am very very thankful and blessed that they stand fully by my side.

 

At the moment I am not speaking to MM at all, there's no contact until me and my dad (he's a lawyer) figure out the best way to go at this legally, and we all figure out the best way to go at this privately and emotionally. I'm gonna have a child and need to figure out the best way to live for him/her.

 

I'm just about 11 weeks pregnant and have a sonogram soon to see the baby.

 

 

Thank you all for your support and advice, you really helped! And I will update you further when there is more to say and ask...

 

xxx

 

ahhhhhhh, one of THE loveliest updates i've seen here in years!

 

good honesty, good choice involving family support, good boundary keeping MM away for your safety, good for you! and best of all = good for the baby who will bring you renewed joy! life goes on... your family will always love YOU and this new life you will bring into the world!

 

right on!

[ladydesigner]

Just wanted to say congratulations!!! I am happy to see such a great ending and that you fully have your family's support.

 

What a blessing this baby will be!

[Ellin]

Noelle, I'm so happy it's all turned so well for you, I wish I could hug you now.

 

I'm relieved to hear that you are supported and looked after and you'll be welcoming your little bundle of joy into the world.

 

You are strong and amazing.

 

As the pregnancy progresses you'll see it was all worth it as having children is a magical experience.

 

Make sure you look after yourself well. It will be hard at times but with the right support which you seem to have, you'll make a life for yourself and your little boy or girl, and you will still be successful.

 

Please keep us updated.

[SidLyon]

Glad to hear your news.

 

I never posted on any of your threads before as I felt my own opinion would not be helpful to you.

 

I am not religious and have always been "pro-choice". However it wasn't until I had my children that I realised what a mistake it would have been for me if I had ever actually exercised the choice to terminate. I am so glad I never was faced with that situation but still would never criticise anyone for terminating.

 

I admire you for having to deal with it and working out something that was right for you. I think most people never regret having their children.

 

Good luck with everything.

[joseygirl]

Congrats NOELLE!!!!!!

 

Sooooo very excited for you. I am saying prayers and sending loving thoughts your way. I know this will be a journey for you... but you will get the love that you probably never thought imaginable from that little one. Be well!

 

xoxox;)

[noelle303]

Congratulations! I am personally happy for your decision. Out of curiosity has your MM tried to contact you recently and what have your parents said about how to deal with him? Did they ask you to go NC with him?

 

 

Thank you. Yes, he has tried to contact me, but I currently have his number blocked and the last time I spoke to him I told him to give me space or I will be calling the police (harsh, and clearly a bluff, but I needed him to back off for a while).

 

My dad scheduled a meeting for me with his friend who practices in family law. I need to get myself as informed as possible for this.

 

I told my parents of MM's behavior (embelished it a little cause there would have been murder) and they agreed with me that the best way to proceed for now is to go NC.... my dad actually belives that there is no reason for me to even be talking to him unless it's about legal stuff, but I don't believe in that. I'm having the guy's baby, there needs to be some kind of personal contact if I want to build a healthy environment for my child. And I know that this is extremely difficult on him too so I don't wish to make it any harder.

 

Wow what a story. I serisouly am proud and happy of your strength! I really hope everything truns out great for you and your child!

 

I thought about not posting at all after everything is on its way but then again if a post from a total stranger can change your life decision, than you shouldnt make it at all right?

 

So here's my thoughts.

I sometimes wonder what i would do in a similiar situation and always answer my self "i can only decide if it really ever happens to me". I have never been pregnant or had a real crave for a baby. Weird thing is that i would love my MM to be the Father of my children but of course if we ever shared a life...

 

..But plans ,sometimes, dont work out. So every time i think of what if i get pregnant? I try to think it all through like: this is a child, its a life comitment, the MM could mean nothing more to me in a couple of years, but its the baby's father.

 

Besides the hard position of being a single Mother ( i dearly admire those who make it). I cant imagine myself lying to my kid about his dad or telling him the truth and his dad not wanting to see him or something.Both are bad come outs, yes good things can happen, im just working on the worst case scenarios.

On the other hand, its not the childs fault, why deny it its life? Well thats an answer i cant get cause i have never been pregnant.

Everything might turn out good with the Father, you never know. Of course he is flipped out, how will he explain this to his family? cause he will have to at some point. Its not like someone caught you guys kissing or something, its a human being that may arrive on his wife's doorstep one day asking about his father (yeah, i watch alot of movies)

 

Its good that your family knows everything and they are there to support you, that must be the thing that helped you decide having the baby, at least it would make me more positive on the thought.

 

Everything seems to be good with the people who are in this situation, you, him, your family, things are starting to get into order for your marvelous decision on keeping the baby. But you guys will have to consider the baby too. Thats where my thoughts would be. What are you going to tell it? Will the Father be part of his life? Will he know who his Father is? As much as i dont like the thought of not giving an unborn child the chance to live, i dont like the idea of giving a born child the chance to suffer for the rest of his life. I would try to keep things as clear as i could with the father and the child, but of course im just behind my desk and things seem easy from over here.

 

Ok these are just my thoughts. You are handling a situation i could only imagine. Im glad you made yout decision and have support too!

I guess its like everything else in life, if you work hard to make it, you will!

Again, for me its easy cause im sitting behind my desk typing my thoughts away.

 

I really hope everything turns out happy!!

 

 

I can't answer some of these questions yet, I have a lot to figure out aswell. And trust me, these are burning questions in my mind.

 

More than anything else I want to build a safe, healthy network for the baby. I know more than anyone that this isn't the best start, nor the best situation, I need to work twice as hard for these things, which to some families come easy. But I am willing to do that, and I am lucky to have people on my side.

 

 

Thanks everyone for the kind words and well wishes, it's truly nice to read all that! I have to say that I am feeling a little better and taking better care of myself.

Will post on how the situation develops! xxx