Is he just controlling me?

[noelle303]

looks like he only plays nice when he thinks he will get his way. expect him to be nice as log as you give in to his needs and wants.

 

forget what he may want - YOU should do what you want. if you want this baby - keep it... if you don't - then don't.

 

his expectations and opinions are irrelevant at this point. he knows if you have the baby then he gets outed to his W - and also has to pay support money for the next 18 years. he's going to push dang HARD for you to do it his way because it totally gets him off the hook. he has EVERY reason to be nice as long as you terminate. then after - he may be nice to keep you under cover or he may get mean again to be sure you disappear forever.

 

either way - i definitely think his W has a right to know he has started another life growing inside of you. but then again - he's banking on you being wimpy and quiet - so to keep this a secret. a secret is still a form of lying. tell the W. SHE has a right to know she's married to a man that intends o terminate a baby for HIS convenience.

 

i'd call her today... before MM has a say in that one too. he just doesn't want to get caught for the evidence of HIS bad behavior... but his W should know what he is capable of.

 

 

Oh I can't tell her. I mean.... it affects way too many lives for me to just blurt something like this out, both mine and his.

 

Plus, should this woman really be told by me? Doesn't she deserve to be told about this from her husband, not some girl she doesn't even know... thats his business. It's his life, as he said.

 

 

Oh and to answer another question of yours - no way am I allowing him to control me. If that is his motivation then I don't want him anywhere near me.

[jj33]

Stop answering his calls until you have made your decision. Hes definitely trying to control you if hes getting upset that you wont go with him.

 

And totally agree with you. You have your own problems to contend with. You dont need to tell the W unless you decide to keep it and even then its up to him to explain the situation.

 

Why get his W involved now when you have so much else on your mind and you have a decision to make. Then for sure she would be pressuring you to get it aborted as well.

 

Just focus on today. Get through your appointments and make your decision.

 

Good luck

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think I should rather have a neutral presence with me, and not someone for whom I know will get crazily upset if I choose to back out of the whole thing.

 

Bring a good friend who has no stake in your decision, and will support you regardless of what you decide to do. MM is the last person you want with you when you are going through something like that.

 

I know how I felt when I saw the first ultrasound, and the second - and let me tell you: you do not want someone in there with you who will interfere with what will be going through your head during that time.

[noelle303]

Bring a good friend who has no stake in your decision, and will support you regardless of what you decide to do. MM is the last person you want with you when you are going through something like that.

 

I know how I felt when I saw the first ultrasound, and the second - and let me tell you: you do not want someone in there with you who will interfere with what will be going through your head during that time.

 

 

Thanks... I'm scared for tomorrow.

I don't want to back out... I don't even want to see it. Will they show me the baby on a dating scan, or will I hear the heartbeat or something?

[fooled once]

Thanks... I'm scared for tomorrow.

I don't want to back out... I don't even want to see it. Will they show me the baby on a dating scan, or will I hear the heartbeat or something?

 

They probably won't show you the screen - and no, unless they put a doplar on your stomach, you won't hear anything as it is usually too early to hear the heart.

 

Don't focus on that stuff though..focus on your life a year from now. Focus on continuing your education. Focus on finding someone who is single and only wants to be with you.

 

And yes the rules are someone has to be there to drive you home. Make it be a friend who supports you and cares about you. I have 'been there' for a couple people, including my niece. She was just about your age.

 

She is now a mom of 2 kids and very happy with the decision she made at the time.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Thanks... I'm scared for tomorrow.

I don't want to back out... I don't even want to see it. Will they show me the baby on a dating scan, or will I hear the heartbeat or something?

 

They won't show you anything you don't want to see - or at least I hope not. I don't think you'll be able to hear a heartbeat at this point.

[whichwayisup]

This is how the procedure went with me:

 

My gyn did blood tests to confirm the pregnancy, she reffered me to an abortion clinic. I made an appointment, had counseling already on Thursday and then they made an appointment for a dating sonogram to see how far along I am. This will be on Monday.

After I have this, then I make another appointment to get the actual procedure.

 

He offered to go with me on Monday, and then again when I actually get it done.

I told him that I will have a friend go with me (the clinics policy is not to discharge women without having another person there) but he wouldn't hear of it.

 

I don't know... I understand he was shocked and in panic, but his reaction was pretty horrible.

I think I should rather have a neutral presence with me, and not someone for whom I know will get crazily upset if I choose to back out of the whole thing.

He is being nice and supportive of you because of the choice you made to have an abortion. He isn't going to rock the boat.. He's happy because HE dodged a bullet. Him being nice has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Remember how sh.itty he's been towards you before you decided abortion?

 

His reaction was awful because HIS life would change if you had the baby. His wife would know, his family, friends, everyone.. Now, he doesn't need to worry about that.

 

I certainly hope if you DO decide to abort, you cut this man out of your life forever and don't continue an affair with him.

[2sunny]

and i hope too, that IF you choose to keep the child - that you understand that choice is ONLY yours. YOU get to choose if you want another person in your life to love. it could be that you have been given a gift - do you intend to eliminate the possibility of that gift?

 

i'm not judging you - just pointing out the fact that YOU do have options... they are yours and yours alone. open your mind to the possibilities being endless.

[MorningCoffee]

and i hope too, that IF you choose to keep the child - that you understand that choice is ONLY yours. YOU get to choose if you want another person in your life to love. it could be that you have been given a gift - do you intend to eliminate the possibility of that gift?

 

i'm not judging you - just pointing out the fact that YOU do have options... they are yours and yours alone. open your mind to the possibilities being endless.

 

When you think of possibilities, there is another to add to the mix: Carrying the baby to term and then letting him or her go to a couple who wish to adopt.

 

My only child is my adopted daughter -- who coincidentally will give birth soon to my first grandchild. I am eternally grateful to her birthmom for her decision to complete the pregnancy, and then for her decision to give us the gift of being able to love and raise her child as ours.

 

All the best to you.

[2sunny]

When you think of possibilities, there is another to add to the mix: Carrying the baby to term and then letting him or her go to a couple who wish to adopt.

 

My only child is my adopted daughter -- who coincidentally will give birth soon to my first grandchild. I am eternally grateful to her birthmom for her decision to complete the pregnancy, and then for her decision to give us the gift of being able to love and raise her child as ours.

 

All the best to you.

 

i love this! when the mind is open to all possibilities - anything can happen, miracles happen!

[TaraMaiden]

When you think of possibilities, there is another to add to the mix: Carrying the baby to term and then letting him or her go to a couple who wish to adopt.......

All the best to you.

 

I have to say, in the OP's position, this would probably be my option.

 

But - we're not the OP - and in a way, we're exerting exactly the same kind of emotional pressure on her, this MM is.

 

That's unfair.

 

Really guys, I know everything is well-meant, but we have to let her come to her own conclusions on her own.

I'm sure all these options have not only been put to her, but she's also thought of them herself.

 

Really, we need to show no bias, no preference and no influence. This is why she comes here.

To air her situation with this guy, not to get different inputs into what WE think she should do about the pregnancy.....

[carhill]

OP, perhaps not a man's place, but think of me as a father....I tend to align with LucreziaBorgia in that, if you are to be accompanied to the scan and, depending on your decision, procedure, it should be by a trusted and neutral friend; someone who is open to *all* possibilities and will support you and care for you.

 

MM has his own agenda, both about your pregnancy and affair, and is about as far from a neutral party as you can get. The flip-flopping of his behavior underscores his agenda.

 

Best wishes for strength and wisdom in this challenging time. You can do it

Edited August 15, 2010 by carhill

[jj33]

in a way, we're exerting exactly the same kind of emotional pressure on her, this MM is.

 

That's unfair.

 

Really guys, I know everything is well-meant, but we have to let her come to her own conclusions on her own.

I'm sure all these options have not only been put to her, but she's also thought of them herself.

 

Really, we need to show no bias, no preference and no influence. This is why she comes here.

To air her situation with this guy, not to get different inputs into what WE think she should do about the pregnancy.....

 

 

And we have managed to get most if not all of her threads closed down by going on this precise tangent which deprives her of the use of the forum through no fault of her own.

 

She hasnt asked us what she should do. She asked us whether MM is trying to control her by offering to go with her

[carhill]

She asked us whether MM is trying to control her by offering to go with her

 

Sorry I didn't answer more clearly. Yes, IMO, he is and has been trying to control the OP all along, from the very inception of the affair. He's used to getting what he wants. Most controlling people are. His behaviors are those of a man who knows how to manipulate to his advantage. He's practiced and proficient and has been down this road before.

 

Hope that's clear enough

[desertIslandCactus]

 

 

I hope this entire experience has taught the OP some valuable lessons. I also hope she makes a decision before it is too late for her to have a procedure and she finds herself unwillingly about to become a parent, .

 

 

TaraMaiden, JJ,

 

In ref to selectively admonishing others for posting their positive thoughts: The above type of negativity seems overlooked.

[TaraMaiden]

I wasn't admonishing others for posting 'positive thoughts'. I was admonishing others for posting any thoughts at all.... including the kind of sentiment you quote.

Equally unacceptable, I agree.

[2sunny]

I wasn't admonishing others for posting 'positive thoughts'. I was admonishing others for posting any thoughts at all.... including the kind of sentiment you quote.

Equally unacceptable, I agree.

 

TM - I can post MY thoughts and feelings all i want - this is an open forum, remember? within the guidelines of the forum - and our first constitution - everyone has a right to freedom of speech... or the written word as it appears here.

 

what SHE chooses to do is completely up to HER. all i suggested was to keep the mind open... NOTHING is wrong with that! it's her body.

 

to be on topic:

and is the MM trying to control her? it appears he is showing evidence of such behavior... she has a decision to make - and it should be for herself and the best interest of such.

[Silly_Girl]

Noelle, I wouldn't take him AT ALL. You need someone without a vested interest who is there for YOU. Someone who can be supportive, and objective. Someone who will not react in any way if you run from the building never to return. Or not.

 

This is your life, your decision and you owe him nothing at all.

 

I very much hope you are able to arrange for a real friend to go with you. Do you feel you can inform him that he is not welcome and you will be going without him (if that's what you choose to do)?

 

If it won't take no for an answer I would suggest you say that if you are forced to attend with him you won't go at all; he may well back off then.

 

I think this must be incredibly difficult. A friend of mine is in a similar position. Not similar, but it's about what is best regarding an unexpected pregnancy and it's the single most difficult thing to stay rational and dispassionate about. That's why you should be with someone whose only concern and interest is YOU.

[Ellin]

I hope this entire experience has taught the OP some valuable lessons. I also hope she makes a decision before it is too late for her to have a procedure and she finds herself unwillingly about to become a parent,

I can't believe you would exert pressure, however small, on a stranger on internet forum to have an abortion.

 

And calling her a sex toy, especially in such a difficult situation is just tactless and insensitive.

[Ellin]

Hey everyone... I don't know if you remember my situation a couple of weeks ago. I am pregnant by a MM who when he found out pushed really hard and dare I say agressive for an abortion.

 

So, two weeks ago I went to spend a few days at my parents (told them I had the flu, I was in fact very sick) and didn't talk to him at all. He tried to call me but I needed time away cause I was getting way too stressed out. My roommate told him where I was.

So, I got back about a week ago and he visited me at my place. He seemed upset and again mad because apparently I ''cut him off' but after fighting again for a little while he soothed and wanted to talk about what I want to do with this pregnancy.

I decided to be straight with him and not play games so I told him how I went to the doctor who confirmed the pregnancy with a blood test and how I have an appointment at an abortion clinic that week for counseling and I will go further from there. He seemed more calmed down, we talked some more about everything and left things on a positive note.

 

We met up for coffee the next day and then again the next one, he was calm, nice, I cried, he comforted etc.

I had counseling on Thursday and it went really well, I felt much better. He called me after it to see how it went, so we talked about that some more... I told him how they made another appointment for me to get a scan on Monday.

He asked whether he can take me, he really wants to be there.

 

Now I am suspicious. Do I let him take me and be there?

 

Cause a part of me thinks that maybe the way he behaved when I first told him was shock and panic and now he's calmed down. I want to clarify that he was always super nice all through our relationship and never even said a bad word to me or made me uncomfortable... I really cared for him and believe he cared for me too.

 

But another part of me thinks that maybe he wants to be thereld say to control me in a way. Cause he knows that I am leaning towards terminating and I will make a final decision after the scan so he wants to be there to stir me in that direction and make sure I am not hesitating. And that this 'nice' act is purely because he knows he will catch more flies with honey... and that he is equally terrified and wants me to abort as the minute he found out.

 

What do you guys think?

Hi, Noelle.

 

I've read most of your posts and I really feel for you. Your MM seems immature and selfish.

 

From everything I read I would say he wants to take you there to have the situation under control. He thought only about himself before and probably he does still.

 

You need to be free from anyone's influence while you're there. It's only your decision and you have right to decide either way.

 

Hugs.

[TaraMaiden]

TM - I can post MY thoughts and feelings all i want - this is an open forum, remember? within the guidelines of the forum - and our first constitution - everyone has a right to freedom of speech... or the written word as it appears here.

 

you forget two things, Sunny...

One: Freedom of speech doesn't mean exemption from responsibility. Simply because you're 'free' to say 'what you want' doesn't make what you say - right.

Two: This kind of talk got her other thread(s) closed.

Your first constitution - which is American, of course, though not everybody on here is - means nothing to the moderator who comes in and closes a thread for doing precisely what is happening again.

You can plead your first constitution all you want, but Tony will do his job regardless....

 

what SHE chooses to do is completely up to HER. all i suggested was to keep the mind open... NOTHING is wrong with that! it's her body.

Well now, I wasn't simply addressing you, but all posters who gave well-meaning advice - and it all became rather conflicting, which is not what the OP needed, right now.

 

to be on topic:

and is the MM trying to control her? it appears he is showing evidence of such behavior... she has a decision to make - and it should be for herself and the best interest of such.

Yes, I agree. So why should anybody then come in and try to convince her here, one way or the other, with their own opinion?

It's something she has to do for herself. And I really don't think the thread is entirely constructive, or supportive of that.

[desertIslandCactus]

"This is a forum where we give help and a sympathetic ear to people who need us"

 

That help is many times based on life experiences, it's just natural.

 

I only spoke up because I don't see why posters should bicker with posters they do not agree with, while selectivly ignorring rude comments.

[2sunny]

 

Well now, I wasn't simply addressing you, but all posters who gave well-meaning advice - and it all became rather conflicting, which is not what the OP needed, right now.

 

Yes, I agree. So why should anybody then come in and try to convince her here, one way or the other, with their own opinion?

It's something she has to do for herself. And I really don't think the thread is entirely constructive, or supportive of that.

 

how are YOU the expert on what this poster may or may not need?

 

YOUR opinion is yours. do not speak for all here.

 

i encouraged her to keep an open mind for HER best interest... that really is all she needs to consider... the decision she makes will be the RIGHT one - FOR HER.

[TaraMaiden]

2sunny, I don't want to quarrel with you, or take it OT.

Which is what is happening.

Forget it, I'm happy to leave it here, if you are....

[Mimolicious]

Is you MM trying to control you? Yes, most likely but what's wrong with that? He is going to do whatever it takes to get himself out of this situation. Not your problem at this point! Don't worry about what he wants and what he is thinking. Worry about what you want. He can only control you if you allow him. Don't take him with you. That simple!

 

On the flip-side. It's kind of single sided to not understand why he would want to control you. Put yourself in his shoes. Let's be for real, we all know that it is too late for the "should've" "Could've". Yes, he got himself into this A but so did you, you allowed him to entertain it. Too late to cry over spilled milk. Can't blame him for acting however way he has acted...

If you were to be the MW and he was your OM and you got pregnant from anyone other than your H, you would be flipping your wig and wanting an abortion asap too. That's the way he feels. Doesn't mean that you have to understand him or make your decisions based on what he thinks and feels.

 

Good luck!

 

FYI- If you are in fact getting a scan with the objective of aborting, they DO NOT show you the monitor or anything that has to do with the scan. That's basically an influential issue when it comes to the procedure. A doctor is never going to make you keep a baby or abort a baby (unless there are medical reasons that require you to abort)