Would you stay in a sexless marriage?

[Remy]

I am staying in a sexless marriage for the children. I consider it sexless although we have sex 2 - 4 times a week, sometimes every day. My husband expects sex whenever he has the urge. Two in the morning, 5 minutes before we have to leave to go out, anytime he wants.

 

I don't classify that what he does to me or I do for him as a sex life. It has nothing to do with me. I am just a warm body that is used. There is no engagement on my part (nor any needed) I just play the part. I have to pretend and do the requisite things. My 'performance' is enthusiastic. My husband considers himself a fantastic lover.

 

It hasn't always been this way. For sometime I didn't meet all his requirements. I had put on weight. I wasn't interested in sex with him. It was hell for him. He had a whole list of rules and I wasn't keeping to them. I didn't keep the house as perfect as he wanted. Sometimes I didn't provide interesting enough meals when he came home.

 

I actually had the temerity at one stage to suggest he might treat me with a little common courtesy occasionally. Obviously that was an excessive demand and he treated it with the contempt it deserved.

 

Now that I pretty much act as a fifties wife while also working full time and doing all the cooking, cleaning, child minding etc and have slimmed down and have sex at call he is a lot happier. He now considers we have a very good marriage. Although, I don't dress up enough and I have now refused to have anal sex as it was getting just far too painful to endure and the bleeding was a problem. The discomfort and pain in our normal sex life is manageable for me.

 

The only problem now is that I am ageing. I am in my early fifties and although I mostly get mistaken for being ten years younger my husband prefers thirty year olds so my time is limited.

 

I am expecting the divorce speech in the next year or so. I will then be divorced - still doing all the child care, cleaning, cooking etc and probably doing it all on my wage as I can't imagine my husband will want to share his money. He will want to spend it on my replacement. It will be difficult for him and I imagine he will get a lot of sympathy, particularly if he comes on here and details all his woes. I will get what I deserve as a female - nothing.

 

However, I will be FREE and I will never have to answer to a man again, ever. (Actually that is not quite true - I like to dream!) He will still be the father of my children and I will obviously still have to treat him in such a way that it is not detrimental to my children's feelings for him.

 

Giotto, I feel for you. Divorce is a big decision. Obviously sex is very important to you. Only you know what is right for you and your family. Good luck with whatever happens.

[SarahRose]

I am staying in a sexless marriage for the children. I consider it sexless although we have sex 2 - 4 times a week, sometimes every day. My husband expects sex whenever he has the urge. Two in the morning, 5 minutes before we have to leave to go out, anytime he wants.

 

I don't classify that what he does to me or I do for him as a sex life. It has nothing to do with me. I am just a warm body that is used. There is no engagement on my part (nor any needed) I just play the part. I have to pretend and do the requisite things. My 'performance' is enthusiastic. My husband considers himself a fantastic lover.

 

It hasn't always been this way. For sometime I didn't meet all his requirements. I had put on weight. I wasn't interested in sex with him. It was hell for him. He had a whole list of rules and I wasn't keeping to them. I didn't keep the house as perfect as he wanted. Sometimes I didn't provide interesting enough meals when he came home.

 

I actually had the temerity at one stage to suggest he might treat me with a little common courtesy occasionally. Obviously that was an excessive demand and he treated it with the contempt it deserved.

 

Now that I pretty much act as a fifties wife while also working full time and doing all the cooking, cleaning, child minding etc and have slimmed down and have sex at call he is a lot happier. He now considers we have a very good marriage. Although, I don't dress up enough and I have now refused to have anal sex as it was getting just far too painful to endure and the bleeding was a problem. The discomfort and pain in our normal sex life is manageable for me.

 

The only problem now is that I am ageing. I am in my early fifties and although I mostly get mistaken for being ten years younger my husband prefers thirty year olds so my time is limited.

 

I am expecting the divorce speech in the next year or so. I will then be divorced - still doing all the child care, cleaning, cooking etc and probably doing it all on my wage as I can't imagine my husband will want to share his money. He will want to spend it on my replacement. It will be difficult for him and I imagine he will get a lot of sympathy, particularly if he comes on here and details all his woes. I will get what I deserve as a female - nothing.

 

However, I will be FREE and I will never have to answer to a man again, ever. (Actually that is not quite true - I like to dream!) He will still be the father of my children and I will obviously still have to treat him in such a way that it is not detrimental to my children's feelings for him.

 

Giotto, I feel for you. Divorce is a big decision. Obviously sex is very important to you. Only you know what is right for you and your family. Good luck with whatever happens.

 

 

Oh come on be honest, people don't stay in marriages for the kids, they stay because they are too scared to leave or for financial reasons. Which one is it?

 

At 50 how young can your youngest possibly be?

[Art_Critic]

Oh come on be honest, people don't stay in marriages for the kids,

 

Certainly they do..

I stayed in my first marriage at least 1.5 years longer than I wanted to because of my Step Daughter..

I didn't want her to have to go thru another divorce and I also wanted her to get older till she could understand better so it didn't hurt her as much as I knew it was going to.

 

The trick was that 1.5 years was pure hell and I had to pull the plug in order to survive.

 

so.. People do stay for the kids..

 

Is it a correct way of dealing with a failing marriage... no.. but it happens when people put themselves in their child's shoes..

[JamesM]

I've actually decided I want a divorce... can't take this anymore... will be telling the wife later on... sorry.

 

I hope that some of the responses on this thread did not depress you so much that you gave up hope.

 

I am not sure what all happened in your home, but if she was working a third shift, then I cannot see what else changed. However, I know that 15 years is a long time. Even in my situation, I don't go back that far.

 

I would say both of you reverted back to the usual: she not wanting sex, and you allowing her to live a happy sexless life while you suffer.

 

G - tell her her exactly what you have told us all here:

 

1) you love her and are happy in the marriage aside from one dealbreaker: no sex

 

2) you will not stay both married and sexless

 

3) the last time when you reconciled and resumed a normal sexlife, marriage was great until she again stopped having sex with you

 

4) you are ready to divorce over the issue

 

If she chooses to go forward with a divorce rather than agree to regular sex, well I guess the marriage is not worth saving anyway.

 

Complete honesty is the best. I agree with this. However, my guess is that giotto would believe that any change is because of a fear of losing him...or rather her marriage.

 

thank you.. I told her about my intentions and we had a good long discussion about it, like we never had before... I'm too drained right now to expand on this, but I'll let you know in the morning... I'm ok, really...

 

I will be waiting. I feel for you.

 

Hopefully, it was an open talk that will produce results....one way or the other.

[JamesM]

Oh come on be honest, people don't stay in marriages for the kids, they stay because they are too scared to leave or for financial reasons. Which one is it?

 

At 50 how young can your youngest possibly be?

 

Actually, one of my motivators is the kids. It is not the only one, but overall my life and marriage are good. Honestly. While I would like some more passionate sex, even that is better. However, in the darkest times so far, I can honestly say that one of the reasons was them, because I want to be able to look them in the face (if the marriage failed) and say that I did everything possible to fix the problems.

 

It is not always the fear of leaving but also the fact that staying is still a better life.

[Neutrino]

I am staying in a sexless marriage for the children. I consider it sexless although we have sex 2 - 4 times a week, sometimes every day. My husband expects sex whenever he has the urge. Two in the morning, 5 minutes before we have to leave to go out, anytime he wants.

 

I don't classify that what he does to me or I do for him as a sex life. It has nothing to do with me. I am just a warm body that is used. There is no engagement on my part (nor any needed) I just play the part. I have to pretend and do the requisite things. My 'performance' is enthusiastic. My husband considers himself a fantastic lover.

 

It hasn't always been this way. For sometime I didn't meet all his requirements. I had put on weight. I wasn't interested in sex with him. It was hell for him. He had a whole list of rules and I wasn't keeping to them. I didn't keep the house as perfect as he wanted. Sometimes I didn't provide interesting enough meals when he came home.

 

I actually had the temerity at one stage to suggest he might treat me with a little common courtesy occasionally. Obviously that was an excessive demand and he treated it with the contempt it deserved.

 

Now that I pretty much act as a fifties wife while also working full time and doing all the cooking, cleaning, child minding etc and have slimmed down and have sex at call he is a lot happier. He now considers we have a very good marriage. Although, I don't dress up enough and I have now refused to have anal sex as it was getting just far too painful to endure and the bleeding was a problem. The discomfort and pain in our normal sex life is manageable for me.

 

The only problem now is that I am ageing. I am in my early fifties and although I mostly get mistaken for being ten years younger my husband prefers thirty year olds so my time is limited.

 

I am expecting the divorce speech in the next year or so. I will then be divorced - still doing all the child care, cleaning, cooking etc and probably doing it all on my wage as I can't imagine my husband will want to share his money. He will want to spend it on my replacement. It will be difficult for him and I imagine he will get a lot of sympathy, particularly if he comes on here and details all his woes. I will get what I deserve as a female - nothing.

 

However, I will be FREE and I will never have to answer to a man again, ever. (Actually that is not quite true - I like to dream!) He will still be the father of my children and I will obviously still have to treat him in such a way that it is not detrimental to my children's feelings for him.

 

Giotto, I feel for you. Divorce is a big decision. Obviously sex is very important to you. Only you know what is right for you and your family. Good luck with whatever happens.

 

Remy, I'm absolutely shocked to read your post... If like you say, you're doing this for your children, please consider the following :

 

1. Your children love you and want their mom to be a happy person, living the life she wants. If my mom did something like this, claiming it was for my sake - I would be mad and disappointed.

 

2. Children normally watch their parent's relationship for example, do you think you are setting a good example ? Would you like your daughters to spend their lives the way you spend yours now ? Would you like your sons to learn that this is what a "good marriage" is ?

 

You want your freedom - take it. Your children will only benefit from it - trust me.

 

* Sorry for posting off topic in this thread.

Edited March 1, 2010 by Neutrino

[giotto]

Time to reply, and I'm using the quote below to start things off...

 

I suspect that she has now again made promises that things will get better, only to not follow-up afterwards. It's often like that: when people feel that their partner considers to leave them, they are afraid and do an effort. It would bother me if my partner always waits so long to change things.

 

This is very true and this is the exact reason why I got upset after a month of no sex despite the "agreement"... and it was going quite well!

 

Apparently, she took my outburst very badly and she also misunderstood me. I said, if it was going so well, why wait a month until I explode or get very resentful? She knows this very well, but she chose to ignore it, putting me in that position, a position which bears consequences she truly hates... I don't understand. But her reasoning was that she has zero libido and sex is not something she thinks about, ever. Also, because of this long term struggle between the two of us, she associates sex with a negative thing. She doesn't do it on purpose, but her mind has been conditioned like this after all these years.

 

Now, the good news? Well, are they really? I don't know. She said she's come to terms with having to go to therapy and she will book an appointment with a therapist her sister (a psychotherapist herself) recommended. She admitted she has to solve her issues in order to save our marriage. She can't shove it under the carpet anymore. She adimitted that she is the source of all our problems. It's her childhood issues that have caused and are causing all this. It's not fair on me (apparently!) and I have suffered long enough. Well, I was quite astonished and shocked by this confession, because she's always blamed me in the past and she made me feel abnormal for wanting a normal loving relationship.

 

The sex problem also stems for her issues... she can't stand conflict and she says I can get very angry with her. She hates it. She withdraws in her shell. It's defensive mechanism. Yes, but I get angry because I get rejected and pushed away all the time! But it's become too embedded in her mind.

 

So, she said we should try cuddling and kissing again. She misses it. Then we can resume sex. She was adamant that it won't take long.

 

She also said that when I said I was leaving, she thought long and hard about our relationship and she realised she would miss me very much and she wanted to be with me. I'm a considerate and unselfish person and she loves me very much. I don't know whether this is just fear or not. But she did make an effort, until, apparently, I blew it...

 

She appreciated the space I gave her, because she could think about her situation without external pressure. We talked for about an hour. She asked me to stay, but she would understand if, in the future, I would go. Obviously, she cannot guarantee me that therapy will work.

 

Well, I said I would stay and will support her. I didn't give her any "deadline", but in my mind I'm prepared to stay for about 6 months. We'll see if she keeps her promise this time, because it's her last chance...

[giotto]

maybe I've been a fool, but i do owe it to my family and children... at least a last chance...

[tommyr]

Congratulations. Sounds like your wife has suddenly found some willingness to work with you on the sex issue. Guess she imagined your headlights in the driveway and realized she was about to loose a great husband simply because he wants a normal sexlife.

 

Maybe you have already answered this, giotto, but just how often are you hoping for sex together? It is important to discuss this with your wife (preferably while clothed) and reach an agreement on frequency.

Let's say you both compromise to be intimate 1X per week.

Since she has no libido, it will be your job to initiate the weekly session.

Consider this and talk about this. Ask her the best way for you to initiate and get a favorable response. Ask her that if she really is NOT in the mood when you initiate, instead of telling you just NO - she should specify a better time..... "not now, but how is tomorrow morning?"

 

I know this may sound too mechanical, unromantic, and lack spontaneity but believe me this is a key part of the equation. I think the reason things fell apart the "last time" she agreed to more sex is you both did not work out the correct process for initiating and refusing.

[JamesM]

maybe I've been a fool, but i do owe it to my family and children... at least a last chance...

 

Good for you. It is always worth one more shot of there is a chance for change.

 

Now the bad news.

 

I swear in almost every word that was my wife talking about four years ago....and about six months ago.

 

And here I still am.

 

She will change...I can guarantee it. The big question is....is her motivation only out of losing you going to be able to sustain lasting improvement? Can she actually learn to love you sexually, or will she (when she gets over this initial shock) still resent you for forcing her into sex? Will her therapy draw her closer to you?

 

Her response was the exact opposite of what you expected. Perhaps she also knew that she needed to do something different if she was to retain you and keep her family together. As you noted, it was not because she wants to enjoy sex with you again. She simply wants you. That is good if she can overcome her mental and emotional issues.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am very supportive of what you did. Confrontations and ultimatums do serve their purpose. However, since the motivation was a fear of losing you, then until that motivation turns to simply love for you and a true desire to change, then all you can do is wait.

[giotto]

Congratulations. Sounds like your wife has suddenly found some willingness to work with you on the sex issue. Guess she imagined your headlights in the driveway and realized she was about to loose a great husband simply because he wants a normal sexlife.

 

Maybe you have already answered this, giotto, but just how often are you hoping for sex together? It is important to discuss this with your wife (preferably while clothed) and reach an agreement on frequency.

Let's say you both compromise to be intimate 1X per week.

Since she has no libido, it will be your job to initiate the weekly session.

Consider this and talk about this. Ask her the best way for you to initiate and get a favorable response. Ask her that if she really is NOT in the mood when you initiate, instead of telling you just NO - she should specify a better time..... "not now, but how is tomorrow morning?"

 

I know this may sound too mechanical, unromantic, and lack spontaneity but believe me this is a key part of the equation. I think the reason things fell apart the "last time" she agreed to more sex is you both did not work out the correct process for initiating and refusing.

 

she always lets me know when she will be in the "mood"... for example, she says 'what about tomorrow?' the day before... and I like that... but last time she didn't say it for a month!

[JamesM]

Maybe you have already answered this, giotto, but just how often are you hoping for sex together? It is important to discuss this with your wife (preferably while clothed) and reach an agreement on frequency.

Let's say you both compromise to be intimate 1X per week.

Since she has no libido, it will be your job to initiate the weekly session.

Consider this and talk about this. Ask her the best way for you to initiate and get a favorable response. Ask her that if she really is NOT in the mood when you initiate, instead of telling you just NO - she should specify a better time..... "not now, but how is tomorrow morning?"

 

giotto, I caution using this approach as I have in the past...because it depends on how your wife will accept it. I do think it can work with some couples. I know it can work to some degree in my own marriage. However, what it did for us and it seems will do for you, is not only take the spontaneity and romance out of sex, but it will make sex a requirement. Based on what you have said, she may resent sex all the more...not desire it.

 

My wife out of love will then have sex with me because she realizes that I need it. And she does it as an expression of her love to me. But her heart is not into having sexual enjoyment with me but allowing me to have her for my sexual enjoyment.

 

The issue here is not about sex but about the love expressed through sex. This is not about frequency but about passion. This is simply not about the act but about the lack of understanding from the wife concerning how sex is the best way that a husband knows he is loved by her.

 

As Lizzie has said on many threads (and this one, too, I believe), she had sex twice a week with her husband and pretty much as often as he wanted, yet she resented it and even cried after it was over. So none of us husbands want a requirement met. We want to be shown love through sexual expression. It is not only about quantity but about quality. It is not just about an agreement to having a certain amount of sex, but it is about an enthusiasm to seek out sex.

 

If sex happened once a week or twice a month but every time was passionate and romantic, then perhaps giotto would be happy. However, if sex happened twice or three times a week, but her heart was not into it, then I do not think giotto would say that his problem was cured.

[giotto]

Good for you. It is always worth one more shot of there is a chance for change.

 

Now the bad news.

 

I swear in almost every word that was my wife talking about four years ago....and about six months ago.

 

And here I still am.

 

She will change...I can guarantee it. The big question is....is her motivation only out of losing you going to be able to sustain lasting improvement? Can she actually learn to love you sexually, or will she (when she gets over this initial shock) still resent you for forcing her into sex? Will her therapy draw her closer to you?

 

Her response was the exact opposite of what you expected. Perhaps she also knew that she needed to do something different if she was to retain you and keep her family together. As you noted, it was not because she wants to enjoy sex with you again. She simply wants you. That is good if she can overcome her mental and emotional issues.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am very supportive of what you did. Confrontations and ultimatums do serve their purpose. However, since the motivation was a fear of losing you, then until that motivation turns to simply love for you and a true desire to change, then all you can do is wait.

 

James, she seems to be honest about wanting to change sexually and be close to me like we were many years ago. She says she misses it, but she always swept under the carpet because of her issues and the way our relationship evolved.

 

Last time, when I said I was moving out, she did change. She told me that she put a lot of effort in it and I noticed it. She did. But she has zero libido, so never thinks about sex and she has to keep reminding herself of my needs.I think she lost track of it last January... I don't know.

 

I do hope that therapy will change her for the better. I can't walk out now that she has promised. I need to wait and see... I must say I do feel quite depressed I kind of "wasted" 15 years of my life. But I know she didn't mean it. I should have put my foot down ages ago...

[giotto]

 

If sex happened once a week or twice a month but every time was passionate and romantic, then perhaps giotto would be happy. However, if sex happened twice or three times a week, but her heart was not into it, then I do not think giotto would say that his problem was cured.

 

absolutely... to me quality is the most important aspect. Before it "went wrong", I think we were averaging once every 10 days, and it was plenty for me, coming from a once a month situation. I was very happy.

 

I would never "schedule" sex with her, because it doesn't work. She lets me know, one way or another and, if not, I just ask gently and not when we are in bed...

 

As she said, we have to reinvent our sex life... we will see... she knows that for me sex is not just sex. I have explained to her that to me it means closeness, connection and intimacy. Maybe the message will be received...

[JamesM]

 

I do hope that therapy will change her for the better. I can't walk out now that she has promised. I need to wait and see... I must say I do feel quite depressed I kind of "wasted" 15 years of my life. But I know she didn't mean it. I should have put my foot down ages ago...

 

The therapy should change her. And if she has mental issues, then a good therapist will get her through them.

 

I doubt if you look at things realistically and objectively that you would say that 15 years have been wasted. Far from it. However, I do agree...waiting this out and giving it a chance is best for your marriage, children and above all...you. Leaving with any doubt that change can happen will haunt you if she does change and the next guy benefits.

 

Patience, my friend. Difficult but necessary.

[giotto]

 

Patience, my friend. Difficult but necessary.

 

after all these years, this is a major breakthrough for our relationship. I'm also directly happy for my wife that she has finally decided to tackle her issues. It won't be easy for her to face her past. To be honest, I had no idea how bad it was. I just wish she told me earlier...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

JShe says she misses it, but she always swept under the carpet because of her issues and the way our relationship evolved.

 

But she has zero libido, so never thinks about sex and she has to keep reminding herself of my needs.

 

She misses it.... So that means it is something she likes.... I don't miss anything that is unpleasurable....

 

Zero libido.... You have stated that when you have sex it is vigorous and that she enjoys it (which I equate as Orgasms, correct me if I am wrong).

 

So we are back to my stupidity.... My wife I guess also has very low libido (if that is the definition).... She doesn't think about it 99% of the time..... She enjoys it, so to me that is what counts. We can argue back and forth as to why you do not indulge more often something that you like...... It all has to do with trauma, childhood issues, parents and upbringing....

 

Frustrating yes.... But there is always hope as long as there are orgasms......

[xxoo]

She misses it.... So that means it is something she likes.... I don't miss anything that is unpleasurable....

 

Could mean that she misses liking it. Could mean that she misses having a libido, and remembers how much she enjoyed sex when she did have a strong libido.

 

Zero libido.... You have stated that when you have sex it is vigorous and that she enjoys it (which I equate as Orgasms, correct me if I am wrong).

 

Maybe, but not necessarily. Some people find it nearly impossible to orgasm on ADs. Some women fake enjoying sex to make the man climax faster (get it over with faster). It is possible to enjoy some aspects of sex and not others (enjoy the skin-to-skin, but not the intercourse, for example).

 

Keep in mind that women's libido is also tied to hormones. Drive tends to be highest around the week of ovulation for menstruating women. A woman with no libido issues can usually get aroused at any time during the month, but a woman struggling with libido or ability to orgasm may have a "window" where it is much easier than other times of the month.

[JamesM]

She misses it.... So that means it is something she likes....

 

She may not enjoy sex for the experience itself, but she simply misses the emotional and intimate connection she once had with giotto. She knows that to get that connection back, then she needs to "want" more sex.

 

I know that this is the best part of sex for my wife. It is all about the intimate connection and emotional satisfaction she gets from sex. It is not about the orgasms (when and if she has them) because that is a physical release. She enjoys being close to me.

 

So it is with many wives, I am guessing.

[Mr. Lucky]

It is not always the fear of leaving but also the fact that staying is still a better life.

How do you know this ???

 

I think it's hard for most people to understand - and admit - the impact of the tension and resentment that results from a low sex or sexless marriage. If it didn't affect you in a profound way, you - and others - wouldn't have literally thousands of posts on it. I have been there myself. In a relationship that sexually and emationally satisfied you, wouldn't you be a different person?

 

How do you know that staying in your present sexually starved marriage is a "better life"?

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

How do you know that staying in your present sexually starved marriage is a "better life"?

 

Obviously unless I know all alternative options available...which we never know, then I cannot know that staying is better than leaving. Just as I cannot know that leaving would be better than staying.

 

What I do know is that in every way besides the quality/quantity of sex, my marriage is what I would wish it to be. What I can also say is that the person I am with is by far better than any person I have met now or in the past. And not only that, but I know in my heart that she is the one I want. It is not only that I see no better options, it is also that the option I have is who i want.

 

So, for me, how can leaving the person I love be a better option? To me fixing the option I have is far superior to looking at or for a new option.

 

Others may not feel that way, and then I say consider your other options.

[DolceVenganza]

I wouldn't stay in a 'sexless marriage' anymore than a woman/wife would stay in an 'emotionless, empty' marriage. Men derive alot of their FEELINGS for women through ACTIONS, including sex and reciprocal caring actions. We derive alot of TRUST and FEELINGS through women DOING what they say or NOT doing things women of less morale or character WOULD DO.

 

Hearing such stories just says to me "WARNING, DANGER."

 

The whole concept of marriage is largely broken and I believe people ought to derive their own meaning of marriage respective to their relationahip, communicate that to their S/O, and see that it jives.

 

In modern times, a marriage is a BUSINESS contract, as eyed by the state and federal government. If it is about spirituality, love, and emotion, then no MARRIAGE contract is needed, unless you seek identity before the state and IRS. If it's TRULY about caring for a person, you should realize you don't need legal binding - that was a concoction of and perversion by various legal and religious entities over time.

 

I had a business partner recently pass and he married his long time 'wife' of nearly 20 years on his death bed simply so that passing assets and acquiring SSI would be easier and guaranteed. They were as married as 2 people can be and saw no reason to be MARRIED legally because they proved the strength of their conviction each day through their actions and words. They did not need legal penalties or the ostrication by religious zealots to keep them married or trying, they needed each other, plain and simple.

 

I feel that relationship TITLES ENTITLE people to certain claims, be it family, friend, lover, girlfriend/boyfriend, or husband/wife. Things you wouldn't do to a normal stranger or mere acquaintance most do without thinking within the confines of a relationship and home. This is a slow deterioration, in my mind, of a relationship. It is a snowball that begins but never ends. Hurts build up and break down the bonds over time.

 

~ DV

[Toodamnpragmatic]

She may not enjoy sex for the experience itself, but she simply misses the emotional and intimate connection she once had with giotto. She knows that to get that connection back, then she needs to "want" more sex.

 

I know that this is the best part of sex for my wife. It is all about the intimate connection and emotional satisfaction she gets from sex. It is not about the orgasms (when and if she has them) because that is a physical release. She enjoys being close to me.

 

So it is with many wives, I am guessing.

 

 

My wife enjoys being close to me, but not sex. We sleep together every night, and frankly when we are happier, she sleeps closer to me. We can lounge on the couch and she has her legs on me.... That is not SEX.... Sorry JamesM..... Sex and oragasms to me are intertwined (Lizzie60 and her issues notwithstanding)...... Let's bring out the violins and discuss sex and intimacy and i want to puke.... Sorry a good roll in the hay, a good orgasm, beats this mental closeness that you espouse. This is when I start believing in mem1963's Alpha male hypothesis.

[SarahRose]

My wife enjoys being close to me, but not sex. We sleep together every night, and frankly when we are happier, she sleeps closer to me. We can lounge on the couch and she has her legs on me.... That is not SEX.... Sorry JamesM..... Sex and oragasms to me are intertwined (Lizzie60 and her issues notwithstanding)...... Let's bring out the violins and discuss sex and intimacy and i want to puke.... Sorry a good roll in the hay, a good orgasm, beats this mental closeness that you espouse. This is when I start believing in mem1963's Alpha male hypothesis.

 

A lot of men think the way you do but many woman don't. Lots of women don't have to orgasm every time. It is the quality and closeness of being together that makes them feel satisfied.

[Mr. Lucky]

Obviously unless I know all alternative options available...which we never know, then I cannot know that staying is better than leaving. Just as I cannot know that leaving would be better than staying.

 

What I do know is that in every way besides the quality/quantity of sex, my marriage is what I would wish it to be. What I can also say is that the person I am with is by far better than any person I have met now or in the past. And not only that, but I know in my heart that she is the one I want. It is not only that I see no better options, it is also that the option I have is who i want.

 

So, for me, how can leaving the person I love be a better option? To me fixing the option I have is far superior to looking at or for a new option.

 

Others may not feel that way, and then I say consider your other options.

Well said James and I respect your clearly well considered feelings. I just think that the effects of non-requited sexual love and affirmation are toxic to everyone involved in a marriage over the course of time. We might bury that anger and resentment deep and life does go on, but it takes a toll. As you said, it's a different calculation for each person...

 

Mr. Lucky