Author giotto Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 That alone raises a lot of questions Absolutely... and in the past I got really fed-up to be the "monster" in the family... she still doesn't do it, though... luckily, our kids rarely step out of line... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 That alone raises a lot of questions Getting back to this.... Does she have boundaries with the kids? Or is she a martyr to their needs and wishes? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 That alone raises a lot of questions Being angry twice in 17 years as a parent is a remarkable achievement. I bet I get angry at the kids twice in 17 HOURS. Of course, 99% of the time, the anger I have disappears in less than 17 minutes and perhaps in 17 seconds. I can say that most of the time they do not even know I was angry. Losing control of that anger is a whole different thing. Most parents get angry. Few parents lose control and cause harm. I think Giotto's point is one to also be concerned about. Question....what does she do in the family? And reading your next post about third shift...my wife also did not realize how much the third shift affected her. Even I in all my research did not realize how much it can change a person. Giotto, my wife worked every other weekend. So four days on and ten days off. You would think that this would mean that the third shift should have little impact. But it did, and I can only see it now. She would work the four days. And then the next to days for sure would be messed up. And many times during the next couple of nights, she still had trouble having a normal sleep pattern. Finally for a few days, she may have normal sleep...three or four. And then her body adjusted to a normal day/night, but the third shift began again. So, her body was messed up. After a couple of years of this, her body was more confused than ever. I cannot say that it affects your wife this way, but it did my wife. And one of the docs she worked with said that you would be surprised at how many of the night shift nurses were on antidepressants. It was very common. As you said though, this problem existed prior to the swing shift. Question....has her mental health always been as it is now, or is it now worse? Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 Getting back to this.... Does she have boundaries with the kids? Or is she a martyr to their needs and wishes? she has boundaries, not many, but she has. I wouldn't say she is a martyr... she enjoys being with them and many times she gives in, but the children also know that if she is tired she disappear to her bedroom... and it doesn't matter, because I'm around when she is in bed...so, they pester me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 Question....what does she do in the family? Spends time with kids, mainly... when she is not at work. She also does the hoovering and the washing... I do all the rest, cooking included... And reading your next post about third shift...my wife also did not realize how much the third shift affected her. Even I in all my research did not realize how much it can change a person. I do agree it has an impact... working shifts is not very good for her, but she enjoys her job immensely... Question....has her mental health always been as it is now, or is it now worse? I believe so. I don't know very much about it, because she never told me anything. When she first told me that she was taking ADs (many years ago), she said it was because she suffered from anxiety and recurrent thoughts... she didn't tell me what the recurrent thoughts were about... I only found out the other day (we've been together 25 years) they involved her childhood issues... I had no idea. If I had all these information some years ago, I would have acted differently and maybe our marriage would be in much better shape... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 she has boundaries, not many, but she has. I wouldn't say she is a martyr... she enjoys being with them and many times she gives in, but the children also know that if she is tired she disappear to her bedroom... and it doesn't matter, because I'm around when she is in bed...so, they pester me! I ask because mothers can have a tendency to give, give, give to their children, at the expense of their own person and their other relationships. If we give everything to our children, we have nothing left for our partners--and our partners sexual needs can just be "another person needing something from me". Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 I ask because mothers can have a tendency to give, give, give to their children, at the expense of their own person and their other relationships. If we give everything to our children, we have nothing left for our partners--and our partners sexual needs can just be "another person needing something from me". absolutely.. this is what happened to us... she just put the children (and the cats and the dog ) first... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Gio.. I have a question. Have you ever told her that if it didn't change, you'd get the sex outside the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 no, because I knew it would be a deal-breaker... she would have said we should divorce first... and I didn't want to have sex with another woman, I wanted to have sex with her! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Oh OK.. I was under the impression that she was OK with you going outside.. (must have mixed you up with someone else ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 Oh OK.. I was under the impression that she was OK with you going outside.. (must have mixed you up with someone else ) lol... no, I'm afraid... Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 21, 2010 Author Share Posted March 21, 2010 little update... We had sex last night, after 12 days, which is not bad. It's not ideal, but I was starting to get very frustrated and disappointed, so it's something and it means that she is thinking about it. She made me wait until 1.15 in the morning, though! Still no sign of any therapy arrangement... I should bring it up, I suppose, but I'm scared to upset the delicate balance we have just reached... As I said in the "other" thread, if I have to stay, at least we should enjoy what we can... I don't think we are kidding ourselves in thinking we can fix it, but at least we can try and do our best to enjoy each other's company when the kids are still at home... Link to post Share on other sites
tommyr Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 To answer the topical question, NO - I would not stay in a sexless marriage. Forced celibacy makes me miserable, bitter, angry, resentful. Regardless of how good the marriage might be in other ways, regular sex is a must. Regarding ultimatums, I believe that if you are in a sexless marriage and answered NO above, it would be irresponsible to end a marriage without first communicating the reason. Therefore, an ultimatum is NOT game playing, it is being true to oneself and true to the marriage vows. And for those who say ultimatums never work, I have had 2+ great years of frequent sex and a fantastic marriage since delivering my sexless marriage ultimatum. The thing is, I can't remind... it's a huge turn off for her... let's hope she will take my needs into more consideration this time... Giotto - right here (in bold) is a serious communication problem that you MUST solve RIGHT NOW or (in my humble opinion) your marriage is doomed. The pattern will go like this: approaching 2 week without sex, she is oblivious, you keep quiet, your resentment builds, each interaction with her becomes more tense until you snap with anger and frustration. Sound familiar? Trust me your marriage will live or die on this basic communication issue: how to remind her while keeping things positive. We had sex last night, after 12 days, which is not bad. It's not ideal, but I was starting to get very frustrated and disappointed, so it's something and it means that she is thinking about it. I predict your pattern of silence building into frustration will continue UNLESS you solve the how to remind her communication problem. Do it now, today, while everybody is still feeling good. Your marriage depends on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 21, 2010 Author Share Posted March 21, 2010 I predict your pattern of silence building into frustration will continue UNLESS you solve the how to remind her communication problem. Do it now, today, while everybody is still feeling good. Your marriage depends on it. you are right, tommyr, I will have to find a way of gently remind her... in a nice, friendly way... This means I need to intervene before I get too frustrated and definitely not after I've had a glass of wine... Link to post Share on other sites
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