Would you stay in a sexless marriage?

[carhill]

Great treatise, but it comes down to women being the gatekeepers of sex and no amount of arguing, no amount of cajoling and no amount of logic will ever shake that power base, along with their control of birthing babies. The best you can do as a man is get the hell out and leave them to some other poor bloke who wants to be their worker monkey. Why would you even want to be with someone who wields their power in such a reckless and wanton way?

 

BTW, no one answered my question about the wives feeling their needs and desires being fulfilled. Surely, some communication of this has gone on, yes?

[ladydesigner]

Troggleputty some of what you say is true and some is not. When we married I loved sex couldn't get enough of it. Maybe it is conscious choice of mine. I wasn't always frigid. I also do not need to have sex 3 times a week and if I do I will. Maybe me and my H are mismatched who knows. I'm not going to sit here and obsess over why he wants so much sex and why I do not need it so often.

 

I don't really enjoy having sex just for the sake of sex it just doesn't feel as good as when you really WANT it. And I have had sex just to please him (get him off my back). Is this the marital sex you speak of? Sheesh.

 

If my H wants to get a D over sex then so be it. I do not fear it anymore.

 

And I was molested and raped so I am sure this factors into a lot of my issues, but I am still a sexual human being. I still want and have sex.

 

I truly am sorry if my post was that annoying for you. I just wanted to state that it can be frustrated from both sides.

 

Maybe my marriage has run it's course who knows.

 

And I do drink plenty of wine to get in the mood, that's precisely how I get in the mood.

[silverfish]

When communicating about intimacy, do the wives who claim to have little to no interest in sexual intimacy contemporaneously claim that their husbands are meeting their needs and desires? Any expansion on that dynamic wrt balance?

 

Did you mean NOT meeting their needs and desires?

[SarahRose]

 

BTW, no one answered my question about the wives feeling their needs and desires being fulfilled. Surely, some communication of this has gone on, yes?

 

 

If I feel like I am some household servant to my spouse then I am not going to feel much like doing it with him.

 

Say he works late all the time, comes home and watches tv and hardly interacts with me at all, or barks about 2 cups being in the sink like I'm hired help then comes to bed dirty and sweaty and lazily gropes me a couple time in my privates thinking he is going to get sex, it just ain't happening.

[carhill]

Did you mean NOT meeting their needs and desires?

As the marriages appear to be otherwise 'happy', I meant the question as asked. I wish to hear from the men if their wives have communicated anything to the contrary.

 

If I feel like I am some household servant to my spouse then I am not going to feel much like doing it with him.

 

The question was meant for the men in otherwise happy, but sexless, marriages, but I thank you for the input.

[troggleputty]

Troggleputty some of what you say is true and some is not.

 

IMO the discussion is general, not simply about your own situation, so I'm not surprised that everything I said doesn't apply to you personally, it really wasn't meant to.

 

The general issue is why do SO MANY WOMEN (and some men) believe it to be perfectly OK to deny sex to their partners, yet still claim to "love" their partners? Why do so many people fail to see that denying sex is the antithesis of "love"?

 

 

When we married I loved sex couldn't get enough of it. Maybe it is conscious choice of mine.

 

The choice to have or not have sex is a conscious one. How you feel about it or how you perceive the experience is a mixture. But you confirm my point about the expectations you/your spouse had when you first got married regarding the role of sex in your relationship.

 

 

I wasn't always frigid. I also do not need to have sex 3 times a week and if I do I will. Maybe me and my H are mismatched who knows. I'm not going to sit here and obsess over why he wants so much sex and why I do not need it so often.

 

You don't have to obsess over anything. You perceive yourself as wanting sex less than your H does and you expressed this differential as a source of an unresolved, on-going problem in your marriage. The differential is not even the real issue; the real issue is the inability of yourself and your spouse to mutually resolve the problem in a constructive, productive way that strengthens your relationship.

 

Whether you or anyone else wants to believe it or not, the simplest and most efficient way to resolve the problem of a differential of desire between the H and W is simply for the W to agree to have more frequent sex with her H. (As usually the H wants it more than the W in these situations. But not always).

 

However in marriages where the W doesn't simply agree to be more sexual with her H, it's almost always a "power" issue for the W. Giving the H more sex is "giving in." I guess if a W perceives her ONLY source of real power in the M as being her ability to give/deprive sex to her H, she might well feel this way. If you let the H have sex whenever he wants to then you just used up your best bargaining chip.

 

 

I don't really enjoy having sex just for the sake of sex it just doesn't feel as good as when you really WANT it. And I have had sex just to please him (get him off my back). Is this the marital sex you speak of? Sheesh.

 

No one says you HAVE to want to have sex with your H. However if you LOVE your H then you should WANT to have sex with him because HE wants it. "Just to please him..." LOL. You obviously DON'T believe this is a legitimate reason for you to have sex. But actually it's the BEST reason! "Just to please him!" That's right. No, not you... You will do it, but with resentment. You don't believe he is entitled to sex simply because he is your husband. You don't believe that pleasing your spouse can be a source of personal pleasure for you. It is simply a way to get rid of an irritant--your H.

 

Let me ask you something: Do you resent cooking a nice meal for your H, in particular, something that you might not personally enjoy eating but simply because your H likes that kind of food? Do you resent doing chores around the house for your H? I'm very curious.

 

 

 

I'll make the educated guess that you are the type of women who is extremely resentful of cooking for your H, just to please him.

 

If my H wants to get a D over sex then so be it. I do not fear it anymore.

 

Of course not. You don't really "want to" be married to him anymore. You don't really want to have sex with him. You know you can have better sex with someone else. From your description, you really have no marriage left, to speak of, other than for reasons of convenience/practicality. I don't see where there's any love left, that's for sure.

 

 

And I was molested and raped so I am sure this factors into a lot of my issues, but I am still a sexual human being. I still want and have sex.

 

Right, except you don't really want to have sex with your H. That's because you don't love him anymore.

 

By the way, if you were molested and raped and somehow feel that affects your ability to be intimate with your H, emotionally or sexually, it was and is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to get counseling for that.

 

 

I truly am sorry if my post was that annoying for you. I just wanted to state that it can be frustrated from both sides.

 

Your post wasn't annoying for me at all--actually it was very illuminating of the mindset of a woman who feels that it is appropriate to deny sex to her H and doesn't care if she loses her M over that denial. Yet still perceives herself as having been "victimized" by her H somehow.

 

But you are the sexual denier, so it is you, not your H, who caused that particular form of "frustration."

 

 

 

Maybe my marriage has run it's course who knows.

 

"Maybe"? You just haven't found a comfy landing pad yet.

 

 

And I do drink plenty of wine to get in the mood, that's precisely how I get in the mood.

 

Fine, lots of people need a cocktail or two to "loosen up." Again all this means is that you knew perfectly well that there was something very simple you could have done to feel more sexual with your H in the past, i.e. have a drink or two, and you chose not to do that.

 

You know you could do yourself a big favor by re-reading your own posts in this thread, and figuring out where you looked at anything from your H's perspective, or even tried to do that. The answer is: nowhere. Which tells the entire tale by itself.

[ladydesigner]

I'll make the educated guess that you are the type of women who is extremely resentful of cooking for your H, just to please him.

 

Nope quite the contrary I love cooking for my H. Always have.

 

However in marriages where the W doesn't simply agree to be more sexual with her H, it's almost always a "power" issue for the W. Giving the H more sex is "giving in." I guess if a W perceives her ONLY source of real power in the M as being her ability to give/deprive sex to her H, she might well feel this way. If you let the H have sex whenever he wants to then you just used up your best bargaining chip.

 

I do not see it as a power issue at all. I just at times really am not interested in sex.

 

I think I would like to have sex a lot more if it didn't take so long for my H to climax. He looks at a lot of porn and masturbates quite often so not sure if that is why it takes so long. It only takes me 10 minutes. Most of the time I don't want a long drawn out sexual process. That would get tiring night after night.

 

I do see what you say about pleasing my H just for the sake of pleasing him. This makes sense and I am going to try this out;) Maybe stop thinking about having sex and just doing it. I see your point.

 

Of course not. You don't really "want to" be married to him anymore. You don't really want to have sex with him. You know you can have better sex with someone else. From your description, you really have no marriage left, to speak of, other than for reasons of convenience/practicality. I don't see where there's any love left, that's for sure.

 

I do want to be married to him I just don't want to worry about D anymore. It hurt me the first time he said it to me and well I just don't want to beat myself up about it anymore.

 

And about the comfy landing pad... mine would be more comfy than his as I am the breadwinner, but I do want to be married and figure out a way to make it work.

 

Counseling yes I have received counseling. I probably need more and I guess sex therapy for my H and I should be an option.

[troggleputty]

Great treatise, but it comes down to women being the gatekeepers of sex and no amount of arguing, no amount of cajoling and no amount of logic will ever shake that power base, along with their control of birthing babies.

 

Of course if a woman insists on viewing her sexuality in that way I guess no one can stop her. On the other hand how often do the women posting on LS who deny their husbands sex, or the husbands posting here about their wives who deny them sex, characterize them the way you have?

 

And obviously I'm certainly not trying to argue with any woman who insists on denying their H sex, that's an impossible task. I am trying to analyze/understand that kind of mentality however.

 

I think it's important for the men whose wives insist on denying them sex, to understand exactly what you're saying is often the case. Otherwise they seem to get steamrollered.

 

 

The best you can do as a man is get the hell out and leave them to some other poor bloke who wants to be their worker monkey. Why would you even want to be with someone who wields their power in such a reckless and wanton way?

 

LOL so you think it's hopeless? You may well be correct.

 

 

BTW, no one answered my question about the wives feeling their needs and desires being fulfilled. Surely, some communication of this has gone on, yes?

 

When a woman starts talking about her "needs" and "desires" not being fulfilled, it's usually in the context of running some kind of a con job on her husband.

 

They need to be talking about their obligations to the marriage, and how they aim to go about fulfilling those obligations. (As do the husbands.)

[carhill]

I still want to hear from the husbands. This is important stuff we covered in MC with regard to marital balance of responsibility. I don't want to put words in their mouths.

 

We solved our imbalance and incompatibilities the healthy way, with an amicable divorce. I can't imagine a man (or woman) putting their head down and dealing with this day in and day out for years. Life is far too short. In fact, it could end tomorrow while your head is down. Food for thought

[troggleputty]

Nope quite the contrary I love cooking for my H. Always have.

 

Well doesn't cooking take a lot more time and effort then having sex? I mean seriously, why should a little bit of sex now and then be viewed as such a horrible burden? I can't put myself in your shoes but I just don't understand this resentment of the sex act.

 

 

 

I do not see it as a power issue at all. I just at times really am not interested in sex.

 

Clearly we are not always in the mood at the same time as our spouse. But the kind of thing you are dealing with is a MAJOR source of conflict in your M. If you and your H had different levels of desire but were able to function well in your marriage despite that, fine, no problem.

 

It's not a sex issue. It's a conflict-resolution issue. The conflict in your relationship is being played out in the sexual arena.

 

 

 

I think I would like to have sex a lot more if it didn't take so long for my H to climax.

 

This is interesting because it turns around the whole situation, it makes it sound as if you are actually a more sexual person than your H, and the reason you don't like having sex with your H is because he has technique issues. But, technique issues can be resolved usually, can't they?

 

 

He looks at a lot of porn and masturbates quite often so not sure if that is why it takes so long. It only takes me 10 minutes. Most of the time I don't want a long drawn out sexual process. That would get tiring night after night.

 

Well you didn't provide any of this info at least not before in this thread? This turns the entire situation around. Your H should not be wanking it to porn if that is negatively affecting your relationship, that's on him, not on you.

 

You don't like having sex with your H because it's an unpleasant experience for you. That's not the same thing as "denying" sex to your H. However it does support the notion that you would find satisfaction with someone outside the marriage, i.e. someone with better technique, which you apparently did.

 

Assuming you have communicated these issues to your H, how did he respond? Did he insist on his right to keep wanking to porn at the expense of your sex life? If so why? If he prefers wanking it to having sex with his wife then he is extremely dysfunctional. When did all this start?

 

I do see what you say about pleasing my H just for the sake of pleasing him. This makes sense and I am going to try this out;) Maybe stop thinking about having sex and just doing it. I see your point.

 

Yeah but now that I know what is actually going on I'm not sure that the problem has anything to do with you at all. If it takes him forever to climax because he wanks it all the time then I can see why the experience of sex might be unpleasant for you.

 

I would be curious why he is wanking it all the time and why this would be acceptable to you (which I am sure it is not). I don't anyone could fault you for not wanting him to be wanking to porn all the time, resulting in an unpleasant sexual experience for you. That's just whacky behavior on your H's part. Evidently he has plenty of his "own issues."

 

 

I do want to be married to him I just don't want to worry about D anymore. It hurt me the first time he said it to me and well I just don't want to beat myself up about it anymore.

 

Look maybe he likes wanking it to porn better than having sex with a real live woman. Sad if true but if so maybe he's better off divorced.

 

I'm well beyond my pay grade as I simply can't understand a man who whacks it to the extent that it is affecting his sex life with his wife. That's just crazy behavior from my point of view.

 

 

 

And about the comfy landing pad... mine would be more comfy than his as I am the breadwinner, but I do want to be married and figure out a way to make it work.

 

OK so he doesn't have a job? I'm guessing your H has some pretty serious psychological issues which you haven't really disclosed (not that you should feel you have to, I'm just guessing there's a lot there about your H you haven't really disclosed).

 

Counseling yes I have received counseling. I probably need more and I guess sex therapy for my H and I should be an option.

 

What kind of porn does he like to whack to? I hope not horse or goat porn. I'm afraid I'm not sure what exactly you could do to address something like that.

 

Maybe you could get some DVD's of "Mr. Ed" and watch those when you have sex with your H? That might get his motor running.

[troggleputty]

I still want to hear from the husbands. This is important stuff we covered in MC with regard to marital balance of responsibility. I don't want to put words in their mouths.

 

We solved our imbalance and incompatibilities the healthy way, with an amicable divorce. I can't imagine a man (or woman) putting their head down and dealing with this day in and day out for years. Life is far too short. In fact, it could end tomorrow while your head is down. Food for thought

 

Apparently some husbands "handle it" by compulsively whacking off.

[ladydesigner]

Assuming you have communicated these issues to your H, how did he respond? Did he insist on his right to keep wanking to porn at the expense of your sex life? If so why? If he prefers wanking it to having sex with his wife then he is extremely dysfunctional. When did all this start?

 

Thanks Troggleputty I did feel like a sexual person before all this. Yes I have addressed it recently and he said he would try not to as often, but he still does. I think he is addicted to porn. This all started when we met. I am assuming he was always like this.

 

And yes it can make sex an unpleasant experience.

 

Sorry if I T/J but this conversation with you Troggleputty has been really enlightening for me. It actually opened my eyes to a few things I have never thought of... Thank you. You definitely gave me some food for thought and I do think my H's behavior is "dysfunctional."

 

Maybe you could get some DVD's of "Mr. Ed" and watch those when you have sex with your H? That might get his motor running.

 

:lmao:

[mem11363]

FWIW - If you want him to lighten up on the porn/manual over ride stuff you should tell him that if he could finish faster you would be happier with greater frequency.

 

Just one mans opinion.

 

 

Nope quite the contrary I love cooking for my H. Always have.

 

 

 

I do not see it as a power issue at all. I just at times really am not interested in sex.

 

I think I would like to have sex a lot more if it didn't take so long for my H to climax. He looks at a lot of porn and masturbates quite often so not sure if that is why it takes so long. It only takes me 10 minutes. Most of the time I don't want a long drawn out sexual process. That would get tiring night after night.

 

I do see what you say about pleasing my H just for the sake of pleasing him. This makes sense and I am going to try this out;) Maybe stop thinking about having sex and just doing it. I see your point.

 

 

 

I do want to be married to him I just don't want to worry about D anymore. It hurt me the first time he said it to me and well I just don't want to beat myself up about it anymore.

 

And about the comfy landing pad... mine would be more comfy than his as I am the breadwinner, but I do want to be married and figure out a way to make it work.

 

Counseling yes I have received counseling. I probably need more and I guess sex therapy for my H and I should be an option.

[mem11363]

House rule is simple. Sex is not some special protected category of activity. It is like any other high priority request from your spouse and is treated accordingly.

 

If my wife came up and gave me a long hug while saying I love you, I would never ever in a million years leave my hands hanging down while saying nothing. If I did that she would feel utterly rejected. She sees sexual rejection in the same light.

 

I still want to hear from the husbands. This is important stuff we covered in MC with regard to marital balance of responsibility. I don't want to put words in their mouths.

 

We solved our imbalance and incompatibilities the healthy way, with an amicable divorce. I can't imagine a man (or woman) putting their head down and dealing with this day in and day out for years. Life is far too short. In fact, it could end tomorrow while your head is down. Food for thought

[JamesM]

Troggleputty, since this thread is about questions....

 

Would you stay in a sexless marriage? Have you experienced a sexless marriage? Have you gained your "wisdom" from experience?

 

Is having sex important enough to sacrifice your family for?

 

And if I could ask, are you a male or a female? That helps us with some perspective.

[Mr. Lucky]

Wow, took a bit of a break from Loveshack, so it's somewhat disheartening to come back and find the same people grappling with the same issues. At least it helps to talk about it.

 

Even if a partner's willingness to engage sexually isn't an accurate measure of their love or commitment to the relationship, isn't their lack of willingness to participate in some attempt at resolution pretty telling? I could accept that my partner, for a variety of reasons that could relate to history, health or hormones, didn't want to have sex with me. But the deal-killer for me would be a lack of effort in workng actively together to address the underlying issues and find a reasonable working compromise. I can deal with "not tonight". I couldn't deal with "dont care enough to fix it"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SarahRose]

But the deal-killer for me would be a lack of effort in workng actively together to address the underlying issues and find a reasonable working compromise. I can deal with "not tonight". I couldn't deal with "dont care enough to fix it"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think that is the million dollar question. Why don't they care enough to compromise a little or fix it?

 

It was easier to accept a physical reason like low libido rather than finding out he was wanking to porn and ignoring me.

[meander]

Well, I think she's drifting away from you. There are so many possibilities to why it happened but realize that your relationship is lacking something. Sometimes we get tired of things and can't find pleasures in the things we have. If you take it away, it may or may not enlighten us. Maybe you two have gotten too comfortable. To the point that she just not sexually interested. I would give her space and if she doesn't miss me, I'd find out what her current interests are. I wouldn't invade her space. It's kind of like dating all over again. Woo her. And maybe the sexual attraction may be there.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I think that each one of us has a different definition of a sexless marriage.

 

For myself, in the last 17 years together, I would define our sex life as good, and at most times very good. I remember my wife giving our sex life a '9' on a scale of '1 to 10' not that long ago. Don't get me wrong there have been plenty of ups and downs in 17 years...

 

I think that it is more important for me for my wife to want it. If that's twice in one day (very rare these days but it does occur once every few months or so), great! If I have to wait a couple weeks for it (extremely rare for us too), that is acceptable and makes for a very special session when it does happen, it’s not a punishment or pain. I do not choose to love her more or less on the condition of how frequent our sex is. As long as it is pleasurable an intimate for both of us, that's more important to me than how often it may be occuring at the immediate moment.

 

I actually would be willing to say that I feel like less of a man if she just gives it up for the sake of my pleasure (happened many times I am sure). Her pleasure comes (no pun intended) first for me. I don't know that she would say it the same way I just did, but I do know it's important to her that I am into it and enjoy it too.

 

If something changed, barring any medical or other legitimate issues, if she never wanted it, was straight up refusing sex, or delaying the occurrence or frequency often enough, it's red flag and time for a long conversation.

 

For me the bottom line is, a marriage without sex and intimacy is akin to a prison sentence. Her and my relationship needs immediate work and effort (on both sides). Even our 5 kids would take a backseat to fixing the issues in our marriage to restore the intimacy!

[silverfish]

I think that each one of us has a different definition of a sexless marriage.

 

For myself, in the last 17 years together, I would define our sex life as good, and at most times very good. I remember my wife giving our sex life a '9' on a scale of '1 to 10' not that long ago. Don't get me wrong there have been plenty of ups and downs in 17 years...

 

I think that it is more important for me for my wife to want it. If that's twice in one day (very rare these days but it does occur once every few months or so), great! If I have to wait a couple weeks for it (extremely rare for us too), that is acceptable and makes for a very special session when it does happen, it’s not a punishment or pain. I do not choose to love her more or less on the condition of how frequent our sex is. As long as it is pleasurable an intimate for both of us, that's more important to me than how often it may be occuring at the immediate moment.

 

I actually would be willing to say that I feel like less of a man if she just gives it up for the sake of my pleasure (happened many times I am sure). Her pleasure comes (no pun intended) first for me. I don't know that she would say it the same way I just did, but I do know it's important to her that I am into it and enjoy it too.

 

If something changed, barring any medical or other legitimate issues, if she never wanted it, was straight up refusing sex, or delaying the occurrence or frequency often enough, it's red flag and time for a long conversation.

 

For me the bottom line is, a marriage without sex and intimacy is akin to a prison sentence. Her and my relationship needs immediate work and effort (on both sides). Even our 5 kids would take a backseat to fixing the issues in our marriage to restore the intimacy!

 

This is a great post, because there's a balance there....I suppose the only question I have is how then, would you go about having that long conversation, if the other person does not see it as a problem.

 

If the other partner has problems, such as work stress, depression, or other 'mental' reasons, then how do you get them to the point where they want to sort out your sex life. If they are already under a lot of external pressure, trying to get them to talk about sex can add fuel to the fire.

[carhill]

Mem1163, great rule. Thanks for that. When that happens, my bet is you feel loved, accepted and valued. That's what I want to hear, vicariously obviously, from the other H's here; that their wives have communicated to them that they (the wives) feel loved, accepted and valued by the words and actions of their husbands. With such disclosures, a healthy balance can be worked toward, IMO, provided both parties are willing.

[giotto]

Thank you very much for your input... very much appreciated...

 

I would like to start by saying that my wife is definitely not having an affair... she would not have the time or the energy and she is not the type. Having said that, you never know, but she works mainly with female colleagues... she is the most honest person I know and she would never do that to me.

 

Some comments have been very harsh, but correct to a certain point.

 

I will expand on the repercussion and fear of conflict side of the story. Basically, my wife absolutely hates confrontation, with me, with the rest of the family and relatives and at work. She hates it to the point that she almost never ever disciplines the children. It’s up to me. She left her second job because she was antagonised by work colleagues and she was in a position of responsibility. She just couldn’t hack it. This stems from upbringing issues. What does this mean in our relationship? I’m a fairly open and argumentative bloke, who has to tackle any issues. Our big issue at one point was sex, or lack of it. By withholding sex for reasons I was never told made me quite angry and confrontational. I might say hurtful stuff, but would be ok the following day and always made an effort to make up. To me, they were normal reactions and I can assure they were. I never shouted at my wife, never called her names, never lifted a finger on her. We were two people having an argument, although she would say very little. After a row, she would be very withdrawn and sex was once more out of the window.

 

Because of the above, she claims she is finding very difficult to have sex with me, in case she says no (for whatever reason) and I get confrontational. Despite this huge problem, she's never done anything to fix it. Last time she said she would go to IC but never did. This time she has promised again... one week past, nothing...

 

Another issue is her mental state. She claims to be suffering from anxiety and recurrent thoughts. Apparently her meds have stopped working... she said she would go to the doctor and have them changed, but she would also have a break from them... we’ll see.

 

To some main general points...

 

Troggleputty is saying that I should force the issue. Of course she is physically able to have sex with me. But this is not ok with me. I did threaten to leave last year and we also separated for a bit. We compromised and sex was "resurrected"... but it's only lasted a few months, until my last "outburst", a few days ago. She got so depressed about it that I felt guilty and agreed to no sex for a while. Is she manipulating me? I don’t know. I only know that I would never have sex with her if she didn’t like it (she even said that she did it for me a few times). I want the connection. I want to be desired, I want my wife to want it. Anything else is pity sex for me.

 

What ladydesigner said about herself rings very true to my ears :”I really noticed the change in my own libido after the first child was born. Sex became a chore to me and I'm not really sure why. I was pressured and threatened (my H threatening to leave if I did not have sex). This just exacerbated the situation. Now ever time I had sex I felt like I was being molested.”

 

I don’t fear conflict. It’s true that avoid it now because it’s pointless. There is nothing to be achieved with it. When I’m assertive, she stops responding completely.

 

I have – sadly – come to the conclusion that she doesn’t really love me. If she really loved me, she would have sex with me and she wouldn’t be “scared” of me. I’m sure she cares deeply about me, but not enough to see what she is doing to me. Or she knows very well, but she is so busy thinking about her issues that she has lost sight of mines. If she really loved me she would try and save our marriage, by going to IC and try and resolve her issues. She has promised but, judging by previous examples, I’m not holding my breath... more if and when I can think again... a bit down tonight...

Edited February 26, 2010 by giotto

[Mr. Lucky]

This is a great post, because there's a balance there....I suppose the only question I have is how then, would you go about having that long conversation, if the other person does not see it as a problem.

 

If the other partner has problems, such as work stress, depression, or other 'mental' reasons, then how do you get them to the point where they want to sort out your sex life. If they are already under a lot of external pressure, trying to get them to talk about sex can add fuel to the fire.

But isn't a sexless partner under "external pressure" also? One reasonable standard would be based on your partner's expectations of your reaction to and involvement in the problems you describe them as having. Most loving spouses wouldn't be indifferent to a partner's angst over work stress, depression, family strife or other issues. Again. lots of reasons why sex doesn't happen. But, in my mind, no good reasons behind a disregard for the impact and a willingness to try and figure it out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

If she really loved me, she would have sex with me and she wouldn’t be “scared” of me.

Disagree. We all have issues in our life and those issues can manifest themselves in different ways.

If she really loved me she would try and save our marriage, by going to IC and try and resolve her issues. She has promised but, judging by previous examples, I’m not holding my breath...

Couldn't agree more. There's no excuse for ignoring the cause and effect...

 

Mr. Lucky

[troggleputty]

Troggleputty, since this thread is about questions....

 

Would you stay in a sexless marriage?

 

Possibly. Quite possibly. Certainly if I had kids. However I might also feel entitled to have sex outside of the relationship if my partner was completely unwilling to have a meaningful sexual relationship with me. That fortunately is not the case.

 

 

 

Have you experienced a sexless marriage? Have you gained your "wisdom" from experience?

 

No I have not experienced a "sexless" marriage although my marriage has had certain other issues that we've had to deal with.

 

I do not claim to have any "wisdom," merely opinions based on what people post.

 

Is having sex important enough to sacrifice your family for?

 

Look. None of these situations where the wife (most of the time anyway) denies sex to the h is really about the sex itself or rather the lack of it.

 

Think of it this way: if the wife or husband had some serious medical issue which physically prevented sex from happening, would that be a reason to divorce? I don't think so, not in itself. Not if the partners really loved each other.

 

No, unfortunately, all these situations of sex-denial here at LS seem to be where one spouse deliberately denies/deprives the other spouse of sexual access when they are perfectly capable of performing the physical act.

 

The issue is: Why does the wife (or husband) disrespect their spouse to such an extent that they would think it even remotely compatible with having a loving relationship, to deny the spouse sex on a prolonged basis?

 

You see, when you are capable of having sex with your spouse, and deliberately deny it, over and over, then you are cutting the other person's heart out.

 

It is the denying spouse's way of abusing the denied spouse. Pure and simple. Denying sex to one's spouse on a repeated, prolonged basis is spousal abuse. Pure and simple. It's no different than denying food or any other basic necessity of life to your spouse.

 

The question is not the mechanics of actually having sex, or improving the sexual experience. That's relatively easy actually. The question is why a spouse thinks they are entitled to seriously hurt their spouse, and the marital relationship, by denying something as important as sex.

 

Usually it's because the denying spouse simply doesn't love and/or respect their denied spouse. There's really no other explanation for it.

 

And if I could ask, are you a male or a female? That helps us with some perspective.

 

Interesting that you can't tell what my gender is. Let's keep it that way for the time being. My gender should make absolutely no difference.